"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[dj_x2c]

Wow I needed this months ago. My ex and i hit the usual rough patch. Some guy moved in on her while were hurt promising better. Did the usual mistakes of begging and such. She says down the road etc etc. Jumped intp the relationship. Now that her dislike is over she confesses to being in love with me still, and will never get over me and let go. But she has feelong for him and now and such so I guess its a wait process. I'm just now giving her the space. In the mean time I need to love myself and such. She admits she is confused. And its right they dont have answers.

[mmiller5373]

Wilsonx, I think homebrew mentioned that you've been through G.I.G.S. yourself? Do you mind telling us about your experience with having it?

[sun_moon]

So there's the story! Thanks for sharing. Irony and karma wrapped up in a pretty little GIGS thread sandwich.

[mmiller5373]

Thanks homebrew. I wonder what you put your first love through during your last year together?

[sun_moon]

You know ever since I've stumbled upon this site I've wondered and I am still wondering if my first love had GIGS and didnt know it.

 

Who would have thought that after all this time, and I mean years and years, I come up with a different conclusion to our demise.

 

I dont even know if its been 7,8, or 9 years but it was that long ago. Reading what you described in your story is making me wonder now more than ever if he had GIGS.

 

He reaches out to me every once in a while to say hello, checking in on me, there are no feelings there. He's had relationships, I've had relationships, but ever so often we talk or catch up. He recently reached out to me, strangely and quite recently after my current breakup. We have been talking lately, nothing romantic, nothing serious, just talking. We dont even live in the same state. Till this day he has no problem admitting that it was his biggest mistake ever and his relationships fail because they dont meet his expectations of what we once had.

 

She is the measuring stick for the women I date..

 

That ex, my first love, has told me almost the same thing.

 

That immense pain that I felt was so long ago, I thought it would never end.

 

It did though

[wilsonx]

Wow I needed this months ago. My ex and i hit the usual rough patch. Some guy moved in on her while were hurt promising better. Did the usual mistakes of begging and such. She says down the road etc etc. Jumped intp the relationship. Now that her dislike is over she confesses to being in love with me still, and will never get over me and let go. But she has feelong for him and now and such so I guess its a wait process. I'm just now giving her the space. In the mean time I need to love myself and such. She admits she is confused. And its right they dont have answers.

 

You need to move on and find someone better. Don't be a doormat. Don't wait for her. She is gaslighting you to keep you as a plan B just incase the guy she has feelings for doesnt work out.

 

Take space for yourself not for her. I watch people all the time take space for their ex's. They are miserable. I have 2 friends that still chase their ex. One of them actually has her back after she went out and dated 2-3 other guys but he has nothing left as far as dignity inside (dont be this guy) He told me it hurt really bad watching her date other guys over an extended period of time. Guess what. She has free reign to dump him again and go date others because he tolerates the behavior and doesn't mind being a doormat. The second one is dating someone else but he STILL obsesses over his ex and its been almost a year after their breakup and they text each other back and forth and still fight like they are a couple. It's ridiculous.

 

For those of you that do not know the term gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim

[Forever Learning]

So there's the story! Thanks for sharing. Irony and karma wrapped up in a pretty little GIGS thread sandwich.

so cutely worded!

[sun_moon]

so cutely worded!

 

 

Hehehe thank you.

[Forever Learning]

For those of you that do not know the term gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim

 

Sorry to double post back to back, but I wanted to thank WilsonX for this information on Gaslighting. It is a very real phenomenon and quite terrible to experience. I try to raise awareness regarding Gaslighting whenever the opportunity presents itself.

 

Great job WilsonX, your perspective and insight is very helpful to a great many folks. Well done.

[wilsonx]

Sorry to double post back to back, but I wanted to thank WilsonX for this information on Gaslighting. It is a very real phenomenon and quite terrible to experience. I try to raise awareness regarding Gaslighting whenever the opportunity presents itself.

 

Great job WilsonX, your perspective and insight is very helpful to a great many folks. Well done.

 

It is a terrible phenomenon. I tried breaking up with my ex 2 months before she axed me because I KNEW she had feelings for another guy. My gut was screaming at me that night when she drunk texted another guy right in front of me in my car on our way back from a party. I got out of my car and walked away to get away from to her to break up with her cleanly and with little to no emotions. She knew it was coming too, she chased me around my apartment complex and started rambling something but I wasn't paying attention to her I was focused on myself because I was so in love with her. I mean extremely in love and the only way for me to do it was with full control of my emotions. It took me about 10 minutes to collect myself and she found me and ran up to me and grabbed my hand and said "I love you" The second she said this, I died inside. I couldn't end it. For the next 2 months, I couldn't sleep, I was more stressed then anything in my entire life. Some of the hairs on my head turned grey (not kidding you), I got sick both mentally and physically. I tried everyday to end the relationship but I couldnt. Then one night she did not come home and I said **** it Im going to the bar with some friends. Guess who my friends see she was all over, some 37 year old bald lanky cook that she works with and points her out to me. I grab her take her outside and I STILL could not ****ing end it. I tried and tried and tried and tried. Guess what, guess who ended it. And guess what the dumb bitch gave me another gaslighting saying how the entire relationship ending was my fault, everything was wrong with me but her reasons were pety. Almost like she was grasping at straws for coming up with a reason to end it.

 

Reasons for the breakup:

She did not like the way I communicated with her (lol I always calm discussing problems with her unless I needed to be assertive).

I was a good boyfriend I wasn't a great boyfriend (another lol).

She's still not over her last long term ex and she's mad he moved on six months after he left her (this was almost 3 years ago).

Some other pety bull**** stuff that I do not remember.

 

I laughed at her and called her a Bitch. I didnt beg, inside I was relieved that it was over but angry I couldnt pull the trigger. She was mad that I called her a bitch and said only one other person in her life has ever called her a Bitch and that was her last long term boyfriend. I said well guess it means something then. 2 of your Long Term Ex's calling you a bitch, you might want to reflect on that.

 

I can tell you right now, the grass isn't greener on that side of the fence. There actually isn't any grass because hes bald. I know it, she will soon enough know it. She's done everything possible to try to keep me in her life. Everything. Even the stupid email breadcrumbs but shes giving me my space now probably because her 10 year plan (Big Daddy Movie Pun) is working out so far.

 

To Be Continued...

 

And for the record, I have no intentions on acknowledging her existence on this planet ever again.

 

 

As for my story when I went through GIGS, I dont want to post it but 6 1/2 years later, the girl I left was the one I let get away. I was a senior in college with a population of 61% girls 39% guys. The one I left her for lasted 2 nights and yes it was the worst mistake I've ever made. She was not my first gf but the only one I have ever regretted losing. She lives in the same city as me now and is friends of the guy I posted above that waited for his ex to come back to him but shes engaged and shes happy and there's no point in me re entering her life. She knows I'm here though because he slipped my name to her.

[Mack05]

350 replies...30,000 views awesome thread guys!

[Mack05]

Awesome? I think it sucks!

 

Why?

 

It means that a lot of people got dumped because of G.I.G.S.

 

Hahahahaha!

 

Yeah but now they know why. Are we going to fall out again Homebrew?..

[mmiller5373]

It is a terrible phenomenon. I tried breaking up with my ex 2 months before she axed me because I KNEW she had feelings for another guy. My gut was screaming at me that night when she drunk texted another guy right in front of me in my car on our way back from a party. I got out of my car and walked away to get away from to her to break up with her cleanly and with little to no emotions. She knew it was coming too, she chased me around my apartment complex and started rambling something but I wasn't paying attention to her I was focused on myself because I was so in love with her. I mean extremely in love and the only way for me to do it was with full control of my emotions. It took me about 10 minutes to collect myself and she found me and ran up to me and grabbed my hand and said "I love you" The second she said this, I died inside. I couldn't end it. For the next 2 months, I couldn't sleep, I was more stressed then anything in my entire life. Some of the hairs on my head turned grey (not kidding you), I got sick both mentally and physically. I tried everyday to end the relationship but I couldnt. Then one night she did not come home and I said **** it Im going to the bar with some friends. Guess who my friends see she was all over, some 37 year old bald lanky cook that she works with and points her out to me. I grab her take her outside and I STILL could not ****ing end it. I tried and tried and tried and tried. Guess what, guess who ended it. And guess what the dumb bitch gave me another gaslighting saying how the entire relationship ending was my fault, everything was wrong with me but her reasons were pety. Almost like she was grasping at straws for coming up with a reason to end it.

 

Reasons for the breakup:

She did not like the way I communicated with her (lol I always calm discussing problems with her unless I needed to be assertive).

I was a good boyfriend I wasn't a great boyfriend (another lol).

She's still not over her last long term ex and she's mad he moved on six months after he left her (this was almost 3 years ago).

Some other pety bull**** stuff that I do not remember.

 

I laughed at her and called her a Bitch. I didnt beg, inside I was relieved that it was over but angry I couldnt pull the trigger. She was mad that I called her a bitch and said only one other person in her life has ever called her a Bitch and that was her last long term boyfriend. I said well guess it means something then. 2 of your Long Term Ex's calling you a bitch, you might want to reflect on that.

 

I can tell you right now, the grass isn't greener on that side of the fence. There actually isn't any grass because hes bald. I know it, she will soon enough know it. She's done everything possible to try to keep me in her life. Everything. Even the stupid email breadcrumbs but shes giving me my space now probably because her 10 year plan (Big Daddy Movie Pun) is working out so far.

 

To Be Continued...

 

And for the record, I have no intentions on acknowledging her existence on this planet ever again.

 

 

As for my story when I went through GIGS, I dont want to post it but 6 1/2 years later, the girl I left was the one I let get away. I was a senior in college with a population of 61% girls 39% guys. The one I left her for lasted 2 nights and yes it was the worst mistake I've ever made. She was not my first gf but the only one I have ever regretted losing. She lives in the same city as me now and is friends of the guy I posted above that waited for his ex to come back to him but shes engaged and shes happy and there's no point in me re entering her life. She knows I'm here though because he slipped my name to her.

 

Your post about gaslighting just made my day. I had been trying to figure out for months, why am I so unhappy with myself? How come 3 years ago I was happy and confident? For the last year and a half of my relationship with my ex (this was the time she got GIGS) my ex gaslighted the HELL out of me. I went from 170 lbs to 220 lbs. I hated myself because she changed my world so much. I literally believed every word that came out of her mouth.

 

I drove to a park where she was running to surprise her one day and was surprised to find her rushing out of another dude's car as soon as I pulled up. She played it off like she didn't see me and the dude took off as soon as I got close enough to his car. She denied that anything was happening between the two of them, and I stupidly believed her. She even made me feel like I was the crazy one for thinking she would ever do something like that. I now know the truth.

 

Toward the end of the relationship, she was always putting me down for my failures, never once mentioning anything she did wrong. She had me believing that I was the bad one. I'm the one that caused the end of everything. She convinced me she wasn't messing around with anyone else too. How wrong I was about that.

 

She was always saying things like,

 

"You only workout for 45 minutes? That's wrong. I workout for 90 minutes."

"You can't eat that, it's not healthy."

"My family does things this way... your way is wrong."

"Guys are supposed to pick up their woman and drive them places."

"Sex before marriage? It's wrong. How do you think God would look at us? How do you think my father would look at us?"

[Southofthebay]

I'm getting over my ex now, and have accepted the situation. But one thing still lingers, was our relationship based on a lie? The reason I was serious with her is because she was my first Virgin(or so I thought). I always had a thing about marrying a girl that was a virgin, assuming because of the way I was raised(religious). I had sex with my ex about a month after we started hanging out. She said she remembers it, but it didn't seem like she did. I slightly remember. When we first started seeing each other she told me she had sex with 4 guys, then it was 5 then it was 2. She never gave me a right answer. She said yeah one guys saw my breast, then later in the future she would say no ones ever seen me naked. The thing is I never took her as more than we're dating until she told me she was a virgin when we had sex(I knew her ex boyfriend and I simply could not take her serious knowing that scum ****ed her). This happened at her birthday party about 6 months into dating, she told me she had to tell me something, and took me into the bathroom. With teary eyes and what seemed to be the most sincerity in the world, she told me she was a virgin when we first had sex. I told her why she lied and she said that it was because she thought I would not like her or take her serious. Which did not make sense. She seemed so happy to tell me that, she said she had been holding it in for so long. Strangely enough, about two weeks later my ex ex calls me and tells me the same damn thing out of no where! after over a year of her dumping me, except she would tell me she had only been with one guy when we were together. I assumed it was a lie, she was pregnant at the time and left her abusive boyfriend. But I still believed my now ex. I trusted her word. Now I'm deeply questioning our whole relationship.

 

What got me thinking twice about this is that the last time I saw her she asked me if I told her best friend that I was her first? that she was a virgin when we first had sex. I told her "yes, I did, I'm sorry I know it was probably too personal to share(but at the same time wondering how the hell is it that she never told her best friend this)." She said, "no don't worry I was just wondering because I never told her". This brought up a red flag. Then she went on about how the reason we were probably together was because of that.

 

Everyone tells me that theres no way you wouldn't be able to tell she's a virgin when you have sex. I remember her being tight, unexperience, very shy, stiff and uncomforable at first when I started. I assumed she hadn't had sex in a long time. But I wouldn't sit here and say yeah she was a damn virgin for sure.

 

I'm starting to feel like the past 4 years of my life was a big lie.. I big huge lie. as if she was gaslighting me for 4.5 years of my life.. not just during my very horrible break-up..

 

Any opinions? I know you guys don't know her personally, but from your point of view what does it look like?

Edited July 31, 2011 by Southofthebay

[wilsonx]

Honestly, I did not want to post my story to show that I was moving forward but I posted it as an example of how dangerous gaslighting is.

 

What I want to tell you is stop looking back. Focus on today and start looking forward. Just assume anything she told you was a lie as it does not really matter anymore. Pretty much everything my ex told me was a lie now that the love cloud has disapaited but you know what, I try not to let it bother me. I'm focused on me, working out, hanging out with friends, finishing my goals, going out of town on Monday, playing kickball on Thurs.

 

See how my ex is not in the picture? Start focusing on you. She will still be on your mind but if you keep focusing on you, you will start to obsess less and get things done that you want to get done

[Dasaso]

thats exactly what happened to me! I broke up with him 6 months ago!! and it wasnt a really good reason, i just was very confused. But we were together just a year, so I dont know why my confusion started to early. He tried for this 6 mothns to get me back, but i didnt wanted to , he complain about how I treated him, hecomplained about everything thinking i would react and get back together, his plan didnt work. He traveled for a motnh to europe and now he doesnt want to be with my, Now that I Want to!!! I guess we both made mistakes.. he should have gave me time to realize he was perfect for me... and I should have been more mature

[TheDovic]

OMG this is exactly what's happening with me. I'm 28 and my ex fiance is 23. We have just bought a house and were supposed to get married next year.

 

She could not give me a lucid reason for wanting to break up and still tells me she loves me (and is in love with me), she tells me she fancies me more than she could ever fancy anyone, she flirts with me constantly and texts me ten times per day. (I NEVER text her first)

 

I recently decided to cut contact to let her see what life is like without me. Do you think this is the right call?

 

Can I just say thank you so much for this post. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of me because I honestly didn't understand why she left me and this was killing me inside!

Edited July 31, 2011 by TheDovic

[poorguy]

OMG this is exactly what's happening with me. I'm 28 and my ex fiance is 23. We have just bought a house and were supposed to get married next year.

 

She could not give me a lucid reason for wanting to break up and still tells me she loves me (and is in love with me), she tells me she fancies me more than she could ever fancy anyone, she flirts with me constantly and texts me ten times per day. (I NEVER text her first)

 

I recently decided to cut contact to let her see what life is like without me. Do you think this is the right call?

 

Can I just say thank you so much for this post. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of me because I honestly didn't understand why she left me and this was killing me inside!

 

Cutting contact with her in this situation is exactly what you need to do. There are literally no other options!!! Something is going on so you sticking around or what not will kill whatever may be left...go away...for now.

She's 23 you say? That age loves cake!!! Do not feed her any!!! Let some time go by dude....without you!!!! If you ate cake every day eventually you would get sick of it too!!!

 

Im calling for a good hard time out on this one

[wilsonx]

He traveled for a motnh to europe and now he doesnt want to be with my, Now that I Want to!!! I guess we both made mistakes.. he should have gave me time to realize he was perfect for me... and I should have been more mature

 

lol WHAT? He should have gave you more time? Listen darling, the second you ended the relationship, he owed you nothing. This is one of those life lessons on that you want what you cant have.

 

I agree that you should be more mature now and in the future.

[wilsonx]

OMG this is exactly what's happening with me. I'm 28 and my ex fiance is 23. We have just bought a house and were supposed to get married next year.

 

She could not give me a lucid reason for wanting to break up and still tells me she loves me (and is in love with me), she tells me she fancies me more than she could ever fancy anyone, she flirts with me constantly and texts me ten times per day. (I NEVER text her first)

 

I recently decided to cut contact to let her see what life is like without me. Do you think this is the right call?

 

Can I just say thank you so much for this post. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of me because I honestly didn't understand why she left me and this was killing me inside!

 

Go NC, I am going to give you a little hint, shes probably seeing someone else. Shes feeling guilty about it and is trying to keep you around to see and make sure it works out.

 

Don't hang around. Go find someone more mature then this. Stop answering texts and phone calls emails facebook.

 

Cutting contact with her in this situation is exactly what you need to do. There are literally no other options!!! Something is going on so you sticking around or what not will kill whatever may be left...go away...for now.

She's 23 you say? That age loves cake!!! Do not feed her any!!! Let some time go by dude....without you!!!! If you ate cake every day eventually you would get sick of it too!!!

 

Im calling for a good hard time out on this one

 

Agreed with everything you said here.. My ex is 23... Cake gets old

[Casablanca]

I've sadly had this syndrome, broke up with my gf of 2.5 years and about 4 and half months later I realized the mistake, but it was too late...she wasnt willing to give me a second chance. Almost 2 years later I still consider it a mistake though I have learned a lot about myself and just have to learn from it and keep going. I'm over it, but I still know it was a mistake, but there isnt anything I can do but learn from it and not make it again.

 

It is a good lesson to know, but it is very hard to learn this without once having the syndrome and finding out that the grass isnt always greener.

[wilsonx]

Read homebrew's post a page or 2 back about his run through of GIGS... Thats GIGS. Not oops i made a mistake four months later, this is a year -> years later.

[Casablanca]

Read homebrew's post a page or 2 back about his run through of GIGS... Thats GIGS. Not oops i made a mistake four months later, this is a year -> years later.

Saw it and sounds like what happened to me...I thought as he said "there was greener grass" but there wasnt, and it wasnt until a few months later that I realized that the grass wasnt greener and I can easily say as he said

 

However, how many times have you heard people say "I let a good one get away" or "I lost the best thing that ever happened to me" or "I was such an idiot to break up with so and so"?

This is me...I broke up with my gf because I thought there was something better out there, that there was greener grass and I was wrong.

[Timmy2]

So I had been with my girlfriend for just about a year when inexplicably she broke up with me. She had mentioned to me how she didn't feel she had enough time for herself but nothing crazy and I tried to accommodate her as much as I could. All of a sudden she broke up with me saying the spark had gone. I kinda think it was bull***** because two months prior she had found something on my phone in facebook (I hate that friggen site for more than this reason) from earlier in the relationship that really hurt her. She even admitted to me that she realized how much she cared based on how hurt she really was. Either way she broke up with me and has dated a couple guys, all of who seem to have boyfriends or are otherwise just not right (I know this from more bull***** facebook). Oh one other thing - she had said that she felt I was hinting at me moving in way too much (another GIGS symptom - scared of another level?) - I totally wasn't though.

 

I've been trying No Contact for 5 months now but she either gets in touch or we bump into each other (this being NYC so can't be that often but it does). It's always been stupid txts, IMs, "likes" on facebook (we're no longer friends, but have mutual friends - she comments on that kind of stuff). I've had to tell her to let me be if she wants me to heal. I would hear all the same stuff people here experienced namely "I can't be with you right now", "I don't have an answer", "I don't want a bf, right now". So again I've gonna a month of NC.

 

Last Monday she texted me "how was the wedding" on a wedding we were supposed to go to together, but I ignored the text. Today she texts me "hello" and then 5 minutes later "can you talk for a minute?". I have a second number and she sends me again in one sentence "how was the wedding, hello, can you talk for a minute". I didn't answer. Then of course she called but I didn't pick up. I told her "I am out I can't talk...anything wrong?" She writes back "No worries, enjoy"

 

I don't know what to do. I do still love her and I get these breadcrumbs all the time. Does this sound like GIGS or am I delusional? I guess I'm seeking advice, your opinions or maybe just to vent. Either way thanks for reading.

 

Tim

Edited August 2, 2011 by Timmy2

[TheHurtProcess]

thats exactly what happened to me! I broke up with him 6 months ago!! and it wasnt a really good reason, i just was very confused. But we were together just a year, so I dont know why my confusion started to early. He tried for this 6 mothns to get me back, but i didnt wanted to , he complain about how I treated him, hecomplained about everything thinking i would react and get back together, his plan didnt work. He traveled for a motnh to europe and now he doesnt want to be with my, Now that I Want to!!! I guess we both made mistakes.. he should have gave me time to realize he was perfect for me... and I should have been more mature

 

lol WHAT? He should have gave you more time? Listen darling, the second you ended the relationship, he owed you nothing. This is one of those life lessons on that you want what you cant have.

 

I agree that you should be more mature now and in the future.

 

LMFAO!!! I know... right? WTF? You should have tried to get him back 6 months ago, long before he took a trip to Europe. I hate to say it, but you waited way too long, that window of opportunity has now closed and now the tables have turned. He probably took that trip to Europe and realized that there are so many other people out there that would gladly take your place on the pedestal, who would stick with him through thick and thin.

 

I love to hear stories such as these.