"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[wilsonx]

I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'll definitely not be waiting patiently. If I do stumble across a guy that I'm attracted to in the time being, I'll definitely pursue it if its right.

 

I mean, its possible to let go of all this, and be free, and be me, but still maybe have feelings right? I guess, it becomes less of a need to be with, or a less of a want to have a certain outcome, then just me accepting the way I feel currently, and letting time take its course to help me move forward right? I don't plan on putting my life on hold or anything, so does this sound okay? I realize I'm young, and I don't have much experience, but does this sound like a reasonable, mature thing to do?

 

Everything you said here is absolutely reasonable, you do have a good head on your shoulders. Always trust it!

 

Something I would suggest is that these questions are personal to you so go buy a journal and when you have questions like these, write them down and ask them to yourself. You do not have to answer them on the spot or in a week or even a month.

 

What I am trying to get at is the only person you should ever seek validation from in life is yourself. If you believe something is right, then that's all that matters. Don't let anyone else tell you its not right.

 

You are very much a head of the game on this one, just keep moving forward =) and dont look back

[radishes]

Thanks I'll definitely keep that in mind! I believe I will know when I get to it, and in the mean time, I'm going to take it slow

[radishes]

I do have one question though. I realized after the break up, that our relationship was not exactly equal give and take. And during the relationship I believe we spent a little too much time together, so does all of this hurt the chances of him contacting again or wanting something more? I'm just curious, or rather, I'm still having a little hope in me. I can't deny that much

[wilsonx]

This is one of the hardest things you are going to hear and have to do. You are going to analyze the faults of the relationship over and over in your head.

 

Its good to do that for some time but I have come to the conclusion that usually the dumpers when they say that line "Its not you its me line," they have jumped ship and are pursuing a new relationship with someone else. That time and space thing that he told you is called gaslighting(click here for its meaning).

 

Every person in my entire life, that I know has said this or know someone else that has said this, it means they are interested in someone new and are pursuing that. I can get 5 people to vouch for this that are on this forum right now in this very thread if you want proof. When I came here in May I did not believe it at all. Not one bit, a week after she moved out she finally admitted to me that she had feelings for the guy I knew something was going on with for a long time.

 

Thats why I am all for moving forward and not being a doormat to this type of behavior. If you read around the forums, you will see that its true. The ex gaslights them a month or 2 later they are dating someone new.

[radishes]

This is one of the hardest things you are going to hear and have to do. You are going to analyze the faults of the relationship over and over in your head.

 

Its good to do that for some time but I have come to the conclusion that usually the dumpers when they say that line "Its not you its me line," they have jumped ship and are pursuing a new relationship with someone else. That time and space thing that he told you is called gaslighting(click here for its meaning).

 

Every person in my entire life, that I know has said this or know someone else that has said this, it means they are interested in someone new and are pursuing that. I can get 5 people to vouch for this that are on this forum right now in this very thread if you want proof. When I came here in May I did not believe it at all. Not one bit, a week after she moved out she finally admitted to me that she had feelings for the guy I knew something was going on with for a long time.

 

Thats why I am all for moving forward and not being a doormat to this type of behavior. If you read around the forums, you will see that its true. The ex gaslights them a month or 2 later they are dating someone new.

 

Yeah, I just found out he cheated on me a month before we broke up. Not physically, but through online things. (we broke up less than a week ago)

 

But he's already found somebody he likes... One of his girl roommates. Did I mention? She went back to her home country, and isn't coming back, and he's doing a LDR at the very beginning. For the sake of my sanity. I probably won't ever get back together with him... even if he ever does come back... with that being said this is probably over. I'm sorry if this is a bit emotionally charged, its just fresh.

Edited August 15, 2011 by radishes

[TheHurtProcess]

Be the bigger person and simply end it cleanly. If you hurt her, you almost validate any mistreatment she gave you. Choose the light, not the dark...

 

I definitely prefer the white meat over the dark meat anyways

 

I totally understand what you guys are saying. The issue is that there's almost no possibility of ending it without hurting her as a result. However, it had to be done regardless.

 

Last week, she basically got in contact with me, breaking down, expressing that she made the biggest mistake letting me go, that she regrets everything she did at the end and ultimately, that she was still in love with me (and my son). She also mentioned that she's been thinking about me and looking at my photos on facebook on a daily basis. Even if I did expect her to come running back eventually, I guess I didn't really expect it at the same time and so soon especially. I was totally unprepared.

 

Letting her down sooner probably would have been better and easier on her than doing so a week later. I wasn't really sure how I wanted to go about letting her down either.

 

Honestly, at the beginning of last week, I felt as if I wanted to slowly wade into the water to test it out and so on, see if there was a possibility of anything actually spawning from this. But as the week went on I began to realize that there was just no real good reason to continue this charade. The trust I once had for her is completely annihilated and I feel that it would be just way too much work/time for the both of us to rebuild that trust and there's a very good possibility that there just might not ever be the possibility of doing so.

 

I felt as if I had to do it in order to truly "KNOW" for myself. I now know that... she may truthfully care for my son and I. But, it wouldn't be fair to any of us (her, my son and I).

 

Thank you my friends, I appreciate it. It's good to know that I have some true friends located all around the world, whom I've never once met, but I can trust to help me through some insanely rough decisions and very hard times.

[radishes]

I noticed that you had "Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on" as one of the common symptoms.

 

What if my ex told me he just didn't have feelings for me as anything more than a friend. He fulfills a lot of the other symptoms, but I wasn't too clear on this one.

 

Also I cut all contact with him, but what if I agreed to be friends with him? Should I just tell him now that I can't? I'm kind of inexperienced so I'm not too sure how to proceed with things like this.

Edited August 15, 2011 by radishes

[mmiller5373]

I noticed that you had "Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on" as one of the common symptoms.

 

What if my ex told me he just didn't have feelings for me as anything more than a friend. He fulfills a lot of the other symptoms, but I wasn't too clear on this one.

 

Also I cut all contact with him, but what if I agreed to be friends with him? Should I just tell him now that I can't? I'm kind of inexperienced so I'm not too sure how to proceed with things like this.

 

My ex told me "maybe we can get back together in a year or so, when we both have change in our lives." As I continued with the begging (which, at the time, I didn't know was the complete wrong thing to do), she eventually said "You need to face it. It's over. Move on with your life." I asked her why she would say we could get back together in a year and she said, "because you never know. Maybe God will bring us back together."

 

If I only had this forum and this thread at the time of the breakup.

[wilsonx]

radishes, you should read the thread in my signature called, "I am no longer attracted to you" thread.

 

Mack even supplemented it really well as well and I give him amazing credit for his add on.

 

it helps to understand these people or at least it helped me, it took me 2 months to figure this out but as I started noticing patterns in people that post here, real life friends, my father, its true. People that we dated and just end it like a switch of the lightbulb are emotionally immature

"I am no longer attracted to you" thread

Edited August 15, 2011 by wilsonx

[radishes]

Search the forum for threads on being friends with an Ex. There are countless examples, stories and reasons why this is a bad idea for you.

 

For a dumpee, aside from begging and pleading with your Ex... Being "friends" is the next worst thing.

Then should I just tell him that we can't be friends?

[radishes]

radishes, you should read the thread in my signature called, "I am no longer attracted to you" thread.

 

Mack even supplemented it really well as well and I give him amazing credit for his add on.

 

it helps to understand these people or at least it helped me, it took me 2 months to figure this out but as I started noticing patterns in people that post here, real life friends, my father, its true. People that we dated and just end it like a switch of the lightbulb are emotionally immature

"I am no longer attracted to you" thread

Yeah I saw that applied to him, but I suppose I never minded because I came from a broken family too. I just really care about him and hope that something might let him see the light of day

[wilsonx]

yep, it will be the worst possible thing for you, you will end up being his hookup buddy from time to time and after a while you will start to feel almost dead and empty in side.

 

Just stay NC, you don't need to tell him anything

[wilsonx]

Yeah I saw that applied to him, but I suppose I never minded because I came from a broken family too. I just really care about him and hope that something might let him see the light of day

 

You know I posted about a broken family from my personal experience but that part doesnt really matter, just watch patterns in your life and what future people tell you for red flags, when you start separating yourself from him emotionally from your ex with NC, you will start to see things in your relationship that just did not make sense to you but you ignored them. These are the patterns I am talking about, the red flags.

[radishes]

You know I posted about a broken family from my personal experience but that part doesnt really matter, just watch patterns in your life and what future people tell you for red flags, when you start separating yourself from him emotionally from your ex with NC, you will start to see things in your relationship that just did not make sense to you but you ignored them. These are the patterns I am talking about, the red flags.

 

Alright. Thanks a lot of all the great advice. Its really helping me to see where I stand, and the things I should/shouldn't be doing. Again I really appreciate it Its different from the advice I get from my age group.

[radishes]

Figure out what you want and what is best for you and then make your decision.

 

Since I played such a major role in their life, it was important for them to share with me who / what they had become. By that time, my feelings had changed so it was a very rewarding experience for the both of us. Seeing their dreams come true, pursuing their passions, career, their accomplishments, falling in love, married, kids, etc.

 

Hope this helps!

I understand where you're coming from, and I'm actually hoping thats what will happen after I feel ready with all the NC. Since I still genuinely care for him as a person, I'd rather be able to offer him advice and nudge him along, than leave him to find out himself. I feel like people usually progress better when there's someone nudging them every once in a while. I don't have to be with him or have feelings for him, but I don't think I could just stand by and watch him struggling to grasp at a future and at a road he feels right.

[wilsonx]

I agree with this and all of us do but, you can't do this. For both of your sakes. He has to go out and experience life on his own and learn from his own mistakes. You have to go out and experience life on your own now too.

 

Its time to start taking care of yourself first and by going NC and starting to heal and grow from this experience, you will learn things about you. You have to let him go and thats the hardest thing to do, trust me.

[radishes]

Gotcha. I won't do that then. Well selective hearing is pretty common. But I'll definitely remember.

[mmiller5373]

radishes,

 

take it from someone who stuck around an ex's life while she was going through G.I.G.S.,

 

You don't want to be around them. They are not the same person. It will only hurt you in the long run as they (in some cases) go wild with sleeping around, drinking, partying, and pretty much changing their entire lifestyle. Holding on to somebody that's gone (for the time being) isn't going to help you move on. My ex girlfriend started getting G.I.G.S. around the 1-year mark, and I had no idea what was happening with her (again, I wish I saw this thread way back then). Guess what? We ended up staying together another 1.5 years (2.5 years total time together) and I seriously went through HELL with her during our last year together. One week it was, "let's be together. I miss you" then it was "I don't want anything to do with you" then it was "I can't live without you" then it was "let's be friends." Not to mention all of the lying that usually goes on with G.I.G.S.

 

It will be damaging to your mental health if you stay around your ex's life. You could go crazy!

[Tetris]

This is amazing. I'm going through this exact thing with my boyfriend right now. He left me and I feel so lost. I thought I was the only one having this exact stage. Ugh.

[wilsonx]

oh trust me you arent =(

[TheHurtProcess]

oh trust me you arent =(

 

I second that

[katie.x]

My ex became lazy in our relationship because he has depression and was going through a hard time. We decided to take a break so he could work through his issues, he was afraid he would lash put at me because would get angry very easily. So we had space, tried to get back together but I had trust issues as he had a new girl mate that he wasn't interested in but she was clearly after him. We then tried friends as we'd argue a lot and fell out of love, to when I told him we needed to cut ties because I was tired of being upset about his friendship with this girl. So he then confides in her stupidly and a month of us not talking they are now together.

Do you see this relationship lasting or any hope he'll turn around and see the grass isn't greener? (trust me, she's not greener at all)

[Dig0923]

My ex became lazy in our relationship because he has depression and was going through a hard time. We decided to take a break so he could work through his issues, he was afraid he would lash put at me because would get angry very easily. So we had space, tried to get back together but I had trust issues as he had a new girl mate that he wasn't interested in but she was clearly after him. We then tried friends as we'd argue a lot and fell out of love, to when I told him we needed to cut ties because I was tired of being upset about his friendship with this girl. So he then confides in her stupidly and a month of us not talking they are now together.

Do you see this relationship lasting or any hope he'll turn around and see the grass isn't greener? (trust me, she's not greener at all)

 

 

There is always a possibility that he will realize it is not greener, but in this time you should try to heal for yourself.

He could realize that it was better when he was with you but you have to decide if his intentions are true if he comes back and if it is even something you want. Also there is a possibility he will feel that the grass is greener with her and not with you, in that case if you are taking the time, and NC, to not dwell on it and move on, then it will be better for you if that is what ends up happening.

 

Short answer is maybe. There is always a possibility that the relationship won't last, but you just have to tell yourself that you are a better person then both of them and take the time to make yourself feel better and move on.

[katie.x]

Short answer is maybe. There is always a possibility that the relationship won't last, but you just have to tell yourself that you are a better person then both of them and take the time to make yourself feel better and move on.

 

That's really helpful, and pretty much what most people say, although the majority of people who know the situation all believe he rebounded to her to fill the void I left because we'd argued a lot and both feel really low. Most people think the 'shine' with rub off very quickly as this girl loves attention from where she can get it and doesn't really seem in the relationship for the right reasons.

 

He basically only spends time with this girl, his best mate and maybe 3 others who all think i screwed up our relationship and the other girl did nothing wrong. So he really doesn't have a level head perspective of everything that's gone on between us as no one he talks to think highly of me. A large point I can't get my head around is that this girl smokes, and probably like 15 a day, and he HATES smoking with a passion.

Hears hoping that'll be their undoing...

[furthermoresusan]

So, this is exactly what I'm going through, only it hasn't happened yet. I'm the one that wants to end it, and I dont have a good reason. I just know that I no longer want to see him romantically. We started sleeping together and it turned into every weekend [he works in another state] and now he expects me to be there all the time. Not only that, but as of about a week ago, I dont exactly have a home and so put a few boxes at his place. Now that he's here for the week, I feel trapped, like I'm obligated to spend the night with him and have sex, but even that's not the same. Obviously, I need to find another place for storage... but how do I tell him that I am no longer romantically interested for no good reason??