"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[skyle]

Best thing to do is to go NC so you can move on and in the meantime it lets her realise what she is really missing.

[Berlington Bob]

First, I want to say that I was the dumpee in my 5 1/2 year relationship due to G.I.G.S... But I had also been 'suffering' from the condition myself for about 4 years. Since the beginning she has been talking about wanting to get married and wanting kids. I was always kind of reluctant especially being on the recieving end of G.I.G.S. about 3-4 years before I met my ex. I always had a tough time trusting that THIS girl that I knew so well wouldn't just up and leave me like the last one did... I am so glad to finally realize why she did. But I also realize I have been having the feelings of needing to experience life on my own first (after college now) and I always wished that I had met her about 3 years later.

 

So last march I finally proposed and of course she said yes. She was so happy then and through most of the summer but a few months ago she started to get more and more distant. I thought it was just because she had 2 really tough classes on top of working full time but her behavior was EXACTLY like the G.I.G.S. at the beginning of this thread (now over a year ago.. wanted to point that out). She ended up cheating on me to get out of it and I broke things off (but I still know I'm the dumpee). Now she's with the guy and I am trying to do NC. I didnt make an ass of myself, I tried for about 2 days to talk to her and make sure that this is really what she wanted but in the end I packed up my stuff and GTFO.

 

Here are my 2 questions...

1. She keeps texting me saying she wants to say goodbye to my dog (our dog kind of but I'm taking her with me). This complicates NC because either I have to not let her see the dog (and me) which would probably make me out to be vengeful and bitter, also making her act that way. Or, I have to see her again even though I know that's a bad idea at least until I can honestly say I'm over her. What should I do?

 

2. Since I seem to have made a more clean cut than it seems most on here have does that reduce the time in people's opinions that it will take for her to get it out of her system? I know it has already made it possible for me to start healing and moving on. I'm not even sure that I could take her back because of the cheating thing. It would have been different if she had broken things off then dated the guy but she actually told me she wanted to talk about it the next day to see if we could work things out. Then she went to Jody's house and slept with him. I would at least like to think that at some point she will call and appologize for the cheating part... It might make my ego stop poking me in the eyeballs every time I think of her.

 

Please post some advise. Especially about how to do the NC thing.

 

Here is my original post BTW...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t306506/

[wilsonx]

1) Dont break NC, the dog is yours, shes trying to exert some control over your life. Keep it, it sucks but its the way it is.

 

2) Shes not going to apologize anytime in the near future, and if she does, its going to be just to relieve her own guilt more then the she hurt your feelings type thing. You're care meter when it finally happens will register probably at 0. I know your heart and head are battling each other over and over and over again, trust me, been there, done that have the t shirt. Work on yourself and focus on yourself. This is all that matters, you loving and respecting yourself. Once this kicks in, letting go is a breeze.

 

Don't hold on to the anger or resentment towards her, it will be your downfall. This is something you have to let go of eventually. A living amends is a good way to do this without breaking NC. Write a letter to your ex saying you forgive her and hold no resentment towards her for the way she treated you. Read this outloud to a close friend. After you read it and mean it, burn it.

 

NC is simple, block her from facebook and all her email addresses. Don't look at her pictures, it does not matter what your friends think or her friends think. She cheated on you bro, shes not your friend. Cut that string. Block her number off your phone. Focus on you

Edited November 15, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

Spoke with homebrew tonight.... Reclaimed his 5 stages of GIGS post

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

If you treated your girlfriend very well and she got GIGS and left you (grass is greener syndrome) I think there is a very good chance she will come back.. It hit me the other day that GIGS is like a rebellious stage. I know i went through one with my parents where I didn't listen to them and thought i knew everything. As a few years passed i realized that I didn't know everything and i started to respect my parents more and listen to them.

 

It's the same thing when you have a perfect relationship and the girl leaves you. She thinks she knows it all and rebels against you, but they always come back. But sadly you never want them back when they do.

 

Anyway here is a bunch of stuff I found on GIGS by many different people on different forums:

 

Since G.I.G.S. (grass is greener syndrome) takes YEARS and looking at it from a big picture point of view... These all are kind of the same and your Ex will not miss a phase, if they do... they aren't ready.

 

Phase 1 - The 180 and experiencing the world

 

They make new "friends" and go out and experience the world. This could be going out, new hobbies, drugs,

drinking, partying, changing their appearance, try new things and even do things they hated or swore they would never do while dating you. etc.

 

Phase 2 - Soting their oats

 

Your Ex is going to date around and enter into several short / long term relationships.

 

Phase 3 - Pain is life's greatest teacher!

 

This is when your Ex starts to experience the consequences of their actions, behavior, decisions, etc. This can all hit at once (hitting bottom) or take several

years for it to have it's much needed effect on your Ex. Your Ex is one that has to learn the hard way!

 

Examples:

 

Losing jobs, getting their heartbroken by their bad choices in people they date, screwed over by their good time "friends", arrested, major drama, etc.

 

In my Ex's case, it all hit at once. I have had others that it took several big things through a period of time to hit before they suffered for it.

 

Several notes here:

 

Note 1: Some Ex's suffer consequences that are beyond repair. Some get knocked up by losers, alcoholism, drug addictions, ruin their careers, drop out of school, get

arrested, get so screwed up by the losers they date they never heal, etc.

 

Note 2: You usually start to hear from the Ex around this time. NOTE: They are not wanting you back!

 

Note 3: Your Ex will more than likely repeat or continue to make the same mistakes again and again before moving onto Phase 4.

 

Note 4: This is hard... even my Ex fooled me by coming back near the end of this phase. I took her back for a week earlier this year (well over a year after our break up) and

quickly saw that she hadn't figured it all out yet and moved on to the next phase. I broke up with her and said I wan't no part of the "friends" and lifestyle she was living.

She even tried to convince me to come live it with her so we could be together... Don't fall for it. Do what I did if you hear from them. They will respect you for it.

 

Phase 4 - Coming "Home"

 

This is where your Ex finally starts to make changes and choose to grow up. Due to age, their friends and mostly because of what they learned due to Phase 3 above.

 

They drop their good time "friends", get burned out of partying, sick of the drama, want someone "more", etc.

 

This is when your Ex does another 180 but this time, they become the person you use to know.

 

This phase does not happen overnight and it is a process!

 

This is also when you a lot of you will hear from your Ex. No, they do not want you back although some will say they do (like my Ex). They know, that you know that they were

idiots and for some reason, they feel the need to let you know that they are "normal" and good again. This is also when your Ex starts to realize that you are special and rare.

That people like you do not grow on trees.

 

This is where most dumpees make the mistake of trying to get their Ex back! The dumpee thinks all the obstacles, hurdles and growing up that needed to happen, has occurred. That's wrong!

 

Why?

 

Your Ex just got to a point to where they feel "normal". So in a way, they are right back where they started when this whole G.I.G.S. thing kicked in.

 

All Phase 1, 2 and 3 are is them losing their minds and doing and experiencing as much as they can. In most cases, all the wrong ways.

 

What your Ex is thinking now is... I brought all the crap upon myself because I was being stupid and not thinking. Now that I am normal, I have the knowledge and ability to find a person like you.

 

If you make the mistake of taking them back now... You are setting yourself up to be dumped again. After a while, your Ex is going to think / feel / believe that they made a

hasty decision in coming back to you. They will think, I really don't know now that I am "normal" if this is who / what I want. Also, there is a little bit of doubt about you too

since you were so quick to take them back after all that they have done.

 

This is the reason why I said no to my Ex that wants me back. I need her to go date some more now that she is "normal". My Ex is half-hearted and still has G.I.G.S. (although s

he does not know it) and is trying to get things to return to normal when she was happy. Phase 1, 2 and 3 are fun for a time but becomes complete and total misery after a while.

Why do you think a lot of them go nuts with the drinking, drugs and partying... To be numb!

 

I also am showing her, that she "lost" me and prove that I am not a chump. That there are consequences to her decisions and she needs to feel them now that she is "normal".

Her fear (which she stated over and over to me), is that she will never find a guy like me. The fact that she says that, tells me everything I needed to know. Although persistent,

I know that she is not really ready.

 

Phase 5 - Crawling on Broken Glass On Their Knees

 

Once they are "normal"... They still think they have a chance and what it takes to find what they once had. Well let me tell you, in my case, that just isn't going to happen.

For some of you, that will also be the case.

 

After they get out there and experience what "normal" is enough times... This is when the reality of the situation finally hits them. This is when they know beyond a shadow of a

doubt that they have indeed made a very big mistake.

 

This is when your Ex will do whatever it takes to WIN your love back. They will make their intentions known and there will be no mistake as to what they are doing. No mixed

messages, no wondering, no doubts, etc.

 

They will crawl on broken glass on their knees to get you back!

[mmiller5373]

What happened to homebrew?

[wilsonx]

banstick.....

[mmiller5373]

banstick.....

 

Well, that stinks.

[Glove_slap]

Hey wilson, we've come in contact several times in the forums and you've helped me a lot, I highly appreciate your wisdom.

 

I have a question however.

My ex and I dated for three years, she came from an upper middle class family from the suburbs while I came from a lower class family in the ghetto. I managed to steer myself out of trouble with her help when we were in high school and I guess I helped her stay focused as well. We went to different schools and dated throughout high school but just when it ended she broke up with me and got together with this (21-22) year old drug dealer from the suburbs. He got arrested back in April along with my ex's best girl friend (stereotypical uptown girl who does drugs/wants to be a model/hangs out with uptown gang members).

The thing is that she's still with him, we've been together for three years and we've been broken up for almost a year and a half but she's still with him. He does everything for her, buys her whatever the hell she wants (he's crazy rich, has a condo and a mansion) she's materialistic as well. He makes her food, treats her like a princess, drives her around town does everything the hell she wants but here I am trying to work hard in university while being from a lower income family without a penny to my name. We broke up and I've accepted that, I took her for granted and she betrayed me, it was both our faults but nothing we could have worked on together, it seemed as if she just gave up and wanted to experience the world - I'm sure her friends had an influence on her as she's very malleable.

 

Anyways what I'm really asking is that how come she's so close to all the drugs/arrests/partying/crazy social life but still hasn't experienced the downfall, the darkside of it as you said? Its going to be a year without NC in December (although I did run into her accidentally in February of this year but I don't count it) but her life is just as great as it was if not better than when she got together with the guy in the first place.

 

I know you don't have the answers to everything but can you shed some light to my predicament?

[mmiller5373]

Glove_slap... the downfall can take years. You guys have been broken up for a year and a half.

 

How do you still know what your ex is up to?

[Glove_slap]

well, I was hoping no one would ask me that question. I used to follow her twitter months ago but I stopped around March of this year. A few weeks ago I just googled her name for some reason and her twitter page came up and I just skimmed through a couple of tweets. I found out about her bf getting arrested back in April out of PURE COINCIDENCE. I was so upset one day because I just couldn't believe he had so much more money and was so much more successful than me so I googled his name (I google everything - google isn't a verb btw) and to my surprise? His name and the names of a few other people showed up on local news websites about a drug ring bust, I recognized his name along with the ex's bff. The age's were correct as well as the area of residence so I knew it was them and her twitter at the time gave it away as well as she put it at the time.

[EgoJoe]

Kudos to Wilson for reposting that.

[mmiller5373]

Glove_slap, you need to quit looking at your ex girlfriend's twitter. If you keep trying to find out what she's up to, you're never going to move on. You may not be contacting her... but in a way, you're breaking NC by reading about her.

 

The ex usually doesn't come back until you're completely over them. When you stop focusing on the past. That's when you'll get the contact from them.

 

Sounds like your ex still needs to hit rock bottom, then learn from it.

[BoredAgain]

I'm currently going through a break-up from a 4.5 year relationship -- seems like a textbook GIGS case. But this got me thinking about an earlier girlfriend, and how the situation had a lot of similarities. So I thought I'd share...

 

My high school girlfriend of 2 years dumped me at the end of our first semester of college. Looking back now, there would have been good reasons for us to break up (she was becoming religious, she wanted to get married young, etc.), but those weren't the reasons she gave me. Instead I got the vagueness of "I'm not sure I miss you when you're not around" and "I love you but I'm not in-love." Unfortunately, I didn't handle the situation very well.

 

For about a month after the dumping, there was a lot of drama. We hung out a lot and fooled around, but we were never "back together" (though I was hoping we would be eventually). A bit before the break-up, she had started partying, hanging with new friends, and getting friendly with another guy. And when he and her finally went on a date I sort of went nuclear on the situation ... I yelled, cried, and pleaded, but nothing worked. It was awful, but eventually things slipped into NC which allowed me to heal.

 

I'm not sure when I finally got over it, but between 6-12 months afterward I actually realized that I was much better off. I realized that even if she begged me to take her back, I'd never even consider doing it. The grass was greener, at least for me.

 

She continued dating this new guy, but about 12-18 months after the break-up she started sniffing around my life. I mentioned (or she asked maybe) that I started seeing another girl, and I remember her telling me she thought it was a bad idea and tried to discourage me... Why? I have no clue. Maybe there was still some jealousy and regrets there for her.

 

But eventually she got married to this new guy. When I found out about their engagement I remember my first thought was, "that poor bastard!" Two or three years after the break-up, I actually had lunch with the two of them. Seeing them, I didn't feel any anger or regret anymore, but I felt bad for them. She had gained A TON of weight, and he seemed to act like a doormat.

 

I haven't seen or heard from her since... and I honestly don't really care.

[mike588]

While reading your post I had a flashback about the part where you mentioned that she told you it wasn't a good idea that you date anyone.

 

I'd forgotten all about it but 2 days after my ex. dumped me she said the same thing,,, Interesting.Hummm wonder if it was out of genuine concern that I don't get in a rebound relationship or like you,, wants to leave the door cracked open alittle.

 

Oh well to late now!

Edited December 4, 2011 by mike588

[lolita jade]

Has anyone seen the film '10' with Dudley Moore in? It a great film about mid life crisis and GIGS. I used to watch this film over and over as a teenager but funny now my 25 year marriage has ended due to GIGS/ Rebound on my husbands side. Not gone off with a Bo Derek look alike though but with a woman with 3 kids. Our's are adult now.

 

I think I am free to holiday and be independant etc. He has just added (if he stays with her) 10 years or so to him not being independant

[Randybrandt]

Does a cheater fall into the GIGS category? My ex isn't in the GIGS age range she is in her late 20's while I am in my early. One day I found out she cheated on me and then she said Randy I always thought of you as a mate t last month and I told you we should break it off ( which she never did) so my question is does GIGS fall into the cheating category where the never admit fault or wrongdoing they just leave and in hopes you can be their mate. I just realized one thing I failed to notice her new boyfriend total opposites. She is more of a drinker and likes going to bars while her new BF is more of a stay at home guy who slips teas and reads the newspaper.Sorry I am new to this GIGS syndrome and I wonder if my ex fell into that category because she is older 20's instead of the typical demographic.

Edited December 25, 2011 by Randybrandt

[gibson]

No two GIGS people are same and the amount of time it takes to go through it various from person to person.

 

The time it takes a person to go through GIGS is not based on how or what a GIGS person does (although this is a contributing factor). It's based upon them learning and growing up from their good choices and bad and their experiences.

 

You can have a GIGS person who has the need and desire to see what is out there, date around and enter into several LTRs. Or you have the other extreme, a highly destructive person with a very high threshold and tolerance for pain.

 

From my own experience, those of my friends (women and men) and many other people who I have talked too, GIGS at a minimum takes at lest a year or two.

 

Another factor with GIGS is women and men are different too (no shocker there).

 

In general, women go through GIGS much faster than men. It's due to the fact they mature faster and GIGS is harsher and a more "painful" experience on a women.

 

Assuming the women has GIGS, is single, dates around in her early twenties (and doesn't get get totally screwed up and ruined by the "bad boys" she will surly date)... A women typically starts to want to settle down, desire and seek a meaningful and lasting relationship with the intention of marrying around 25 or so.

 

Men on the other hand, I think are predisposed to have GIGS because of the way we are wired and the heavy influence of society at large (It promotes, encourages and glorifies men with GIGS).

 

Because of that, men can have GIGS for a much longer time, even many decades, think Warren Beaty. (Google him and his personal life if you do not know who he is or his story). Me and several of my male friends had it more or less throughout our twenties and early thirties.

 

The problem I see with many people here on LS is they focus on their Ex and whatever "issue" (GIGS, commitment phobe, daddy issues, BPD, NPD, etc) and not themselves. They become obsessed with *insert dumpers "issue" here* what it is, why their Ex has it and have false hope. They do not go through the "Stages of Grief" in a normal and natural way or come to terms and accept the relationship is over. They get stuck in a holding pattern.

 

GIGS is GIGS! You want to be single, care free, date around, hang out with friends, make new "friends", focus on career, travel, have the "college experience", sleep around, try new things, party, drink, etc.

 

GIGS people do enter into relationships (several) but it's with someone who is generally in the same "phase" they are in. These are not deep or meaningful relationships, they are just "fun" or for "fun". In general, they do not seek out or usually date the "marrying kind". If they do date the "marrying kind", its dysfunctional and full of drama and never works out in the end.

 

GIGS just happens....

 

For some people, they realize they have GIGS at a young age. They date around in HS and college and never enter into a LTR (that last years). Or, you have the people with GIGS who do not know it and are ticking timebombs just waiting to go off.

 

For the later, GIGS eventually rears it's head and takes over. Sometimes people can fight through it (not likely these days! It's a much different world than it was for our grandparents) but it's a safe bet that even a*rich and fulfilling relationship or happily married person with kids is going to end in a break up or divorce.

 

If you were dumped due to someone with GIGS, they probably had no idea they had it or would ever get it. Not to mention, they did you a huge favor! It's better your Ex goes through GIGS now and your relationship end rather than years later after you were married and have kids involved.*

 

Don't believe me? Go read through the divorce forum. You will see countless late twenties and early thirties women and men they want to leave it all because of GIGS. They come right out and say it and spell it out. Wife / Husband is everything I wanted but... I'm feel like I missed out, need to be single, date around and experience the world on my own, etc.

Edited December 25, 2011 by gibson

[smokey bear]

Thank you, it still didnt answer my question, Are some parts of gigs possible to go through while still in the relationship, eg partying, good time friends, 180 etc for a few months while in the relationship before they leave?

[smokey bear]

Gibson do they apologise, or do some just move on for fear of rejection, thinking you've moved on etc.

 

Are there any signs its ending?

[gibson]

Are some parts of gigs possible to go through while still in the relationship, eg partying, good time friends, 180 etc for a few months while in the relationship before they leave?

 

I did this (did the 180 many months prior to the break up) with my Ex from 20 years ago when I had GIGS. I had the best of both worlds I guess you could say. Not so much for her.

 

The drinking, partying, new "friends", 180 thing, etc. are just symptoms and a by product of their "syndrome".

 

The "syndrome" - They are done in thier mind and are convinced and believe there is something / someone better out there for them.

 

Until they get out there, dated around, enter into LTR(s), experience "it" on their own, I do not believe they learn a thing.

 

If you look back a couple of pages, you will see wilsonx re-posted my break out of the phases a GIGS person goes through. Notice Phase 4, they get over the partying, drama and all the BS that goes along with the 180 flip and return to "normal".

 

This is when they start looking for the "marrying type" in hopes of findng someone to have a lasting and meaningful relationship with. It's only after they seek out, date and enter into relationships with these people that they have something to compare you and your relationship too. Because as far as your Ex is concerned, they just flip a switch when they are ready and people like you grow on trees.

 

If your Ex cares (which most don't) about someone during Stage 1, 2 and 3... They expect to be disappointed, let down and hurt. However, they never see it coming from the "good" people they date and enter into relationships with in Phase 4.

 

After they have bern with enough "good" people and assuming you and the relationship you two once had was a good one, that when your Ex starts to really know, realize and understand how special you are, what your relationship meant and how rare you and your relationship really were.

 

People with GIGS generally have never had any life experience, had consequences for their actions, pain, scared, hurt, disappointment, alone, uncertainty, wisdom, maturity, deductive reasoning skills, etc. These people have to learn things the hard way, so let them!

 

Hope this helps!

Edited December 25, 2011 by gibson

[Randybrandt]

It still didn't answer my question. Did my ex suffer from GIGS? I am trying to figure out why A- She didn't dump me ( although she will claim she said so) B- She gave me false hope by setting up dates and then breaking them and when I finally saw her before I found out she was in another relationship she said let's have babies please please have babies with me. I actually believed that wench. I found out several days later from my mates she was already in a relationship and I confronted her about it and she said Randy are you mad? I said a month ago I wanted to be mates and break it off which was a total lie. I keep screaming at myself thinking she never did break it off and gave me false hope thinking there was something. I just want to know did she suffer from GIGS?

[wilsonx]

 

The problem I see with many people here on LS is they focus on their Ex and whatever "issue" (GIGS, commitment phobe, daddy issues, BPD, NPD, etc) and not themselves. They become obsessed with *insert dumpers "issue" here* what it is, why their Ex has it and have false hope. They do not go through the "Stages of Grief" in a normal and natural way or come to terms and accept the relationship is over. They get stuck in a holding pattern.

 

.

 

He answered your question, you did not read. As for the holding pattern, absolutely true lol

 

Smokey.... read darling

Edited December 25, 2011 by wilsonx

[daisydukes]

What are the stages of grief? I suppose my ex had GIGS too. I hate GIGS it is a awful four letter word:sick: He was 33 and I am in my twenties. I would of thought he would be over that by now but clearly he wasn't. His loss I suppose but geesh it still hurts.

Edited December 25, 2011 by daisydukes

[gibson]

Gibson do they apologise, or do some just move on for fear of rejection, thinking you've moved on etc.

 

Are there any signs its ending?

 

In this day and age of email, texting and social media... Most everyone I know has heard from Exes. Crazy ones, bad ones, good one, short term ones, long term ones, etc.

 

Aside from the breadcrumbs... A general rule, several years go by before they usually check up, see what you are up too and want to say Hi.

 

I have had several Exes that sought closure (even though they were the dumper), clear the air, apologize, etc. Many of my friends have had that happen to them as well.

 

You asked about signs of GIGS ending...

 

Which part? The partying and 180? Stage 4?

 

GIGS people drop A TON of breadcrumbs, they are "conflicted" (which is what they say and it's total bs)... they are just in the process of getting settled and adjusted to their new lifestyle.

 

They usually just reach out / check up ever so often but do not be confused by this... The probably hit a bump along the way in their new GIGS world and want you as a security blanket. Sometimes, they make overtures of wanting to get back together, but their lifestyle, "friends", actions, etc. will not line up with what they are saying.

 

If and when they come back and really want you, their will be no doubt as to what they want, what they are doing and why.

[sunflowering]

GIGS people drop A TON of breadcrumbs, they are "conflicted" (which is what they say and it's total bs)... they are just in the process of getting settled and adjusted to their new lifestyle.

 

They usually just reach out / check up ever so often but do not be confused by this... The probably hit a bump along the way in their new GIGS world and want you as a security blanket. Sometimes, they make overtures of wanting to get back together, but their lifestyle, "friends", actions, etc. will not line up with what they are saying.

 

If and when they come back and really want you, their will be no doubt as to what they want, what they are doing and why.

 

My ex had GIGS. He broke off our 3 year relationship. I made the mistake of getting back together with him because he said he wanted to try again and have a more mature relationship with me.

I should have realized in the first couple of weeks that his lifestyle, didn't have any room for me. I realized that I kind of took a back seat to everything he enjoyed.

After about a little more than a month of this, he eventually told me he didn't know what he wanted. he didn't know if he loved me, etc etc.

I made the mistake thinking that maybe it wouldn't take that long for someone with GIGS to grow out of it.

 

But he's only 20, and I'm just 19. I can understand and have accepted it completely.