"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[Leeds]

@Leeds

 

Do what you feel is right for you. She can't tell you what you can or can't do with regards to other women or the house. She has no right. You can't tell her either what she can or can't do.

 

If you want to date someone else and bring them home, that's your choice. She lost that privilege the second she left and wanted to be independent.

 

It is a tough one, I actually dont want anything serious with anyone else, I just miss female company (I am going out with a girl tomorrow but have made it clear it is just as friends as I dont want anything more just now).

 

But the question is, do I continue to fight or do I stand back and let her self destruct?

 

Normally I would stand back but we have 2 kids together and it feels like I am giving up on the family if I just let her go - and NC is not an option as I have to see her every day with kids access etc

 

And is GIGS common amongst young women with kids or am I looking for something that isnt there?

Edited March 22, 2012 by Leeds
Another question!!!

[wilsonx]

Let her self destruct...

 

Only talk about the kids to her or "business" matters... (Light Contact)

 

Read, the first post in this thread to figure out what gigs applies to

[Leeds]

Let her self destruct...

 

Thought that would be the answer, just hard to stand back and watch the person you love do that - even more so when kids are involved, watching them suffer is harder to bear than my own upset!

 

Looks like 2012 is gonna be a tough one then!

[gibson]

I (gibson/homebrew) have written a lot G.I.G.S. on LS and since G.I.G.S. dumping season is upon us... I want to save a lot of you new fresh faces a lot of reading and cut straight to the chase.

 

Before I get that let me tell you there was NOTHING you could have done to prevent or stop your Ex from getting G.I.G.S. The other thing is G.I.G.S. isn't always about them wanting or looking for someone better (see number 6 below). Yes, they rebound, date and enter into other relationships but it's usually not with people that are "better" than you. It's quite the opposite usually. It's more about them having freedom, wanting to experience the world on their own, living it up, soting their oats, etc.

 

1. Assuming that your Ex is one the G.I.G.S. people that returns, you can forget about that happening for YEARS.

 

2. People change and they change A LOT between the ages of 18 - 25. So the girl you once knew and still love, is more than likely gone and never to return. It doesn't mean she changes for the worst or anything, they just change, their interests, hobbies, dreams, goals, plans, etc.

 

3. More than likely you will be over your G.I.G.S. Ex long before she ever returns and by that time, you will probably meet someone and be just as in love as you were with your Ex.

 

4. It's been my observation and many of my friends that most women aren't looking for "the one" or wanting to fine / be in their forever relationship till around the age of 25 or so. So odds are, your Ex will not start to consider you or pursue something for you until around those ages if she doesn't find someone that "measures up" to you in the meantime. For any ladies reading this, men generally are in G.I.G.S. longer (it's not as harsh on men as it is on women) and aren't looking for marriage around the age of 25.

 

5. A lot of G.I.G.S. people do the whole 180 for a while and become the complete opposite of the person you knew. I won't go into detail but if your Ex is doing a hardcore 180... I suggest you do everything in power now to FB stalk or have anyone tell you what she is up too.

 

6. You have ZERO chance of getting a G.I.G.S. Ex while they have G.I.G.S. (which goes on for years). Pressure, is the last thing on earth you want to do to them. Since you have feelings and want what you once had, you are going to "pressure" them whether you realize it or not. They typically date and enter into relationships with people they know it won't work out with or they go the whole "bad" boys / girls route or a combination of both. You can expect this pretty much up till around 25 or so. They will "kick a lot of tires" before determining the person / type of person they want to marry.

 

7. G.I.G.S. Dumpers drops TONS and I mean TONS of breadcrumbs before, during and after the break up and many continue to do for through the years (I still hear from my latest G.I.G.S. Ex 2+ years later pretty much monthly now and I don't even respond most of the time).

 

About the Phases thing I wrote concerning G.I.G.S.... It's a just very high level overview of the phases a G.I.G.S. person goes through over a long period of time (years). Their are no specific time frames and how long it takes varies for everyone.

 

G.I.G.S. Phases Explained (Reposted by Wilsonx in the middle of the page)

 

Phases 1 - 3

 

When your Ex is in Phases 1 - 3, I promise you, the less you know about them, the better! They are going to be on their G.I.G.S. "high horse", they are arrogant, superficial, shallow, cocky, self-absorbed, careless, reckless, selfish as hell and don't think or care about anyone but themselves. Unless you are just looking for fun or going with the flow and not caring about the outcome, dating a G.I.G.S. is a nightmare.

 

A lot of G.I.G.S. dumpees hear from their G.I.G.S. dumper at the end of Phase 3 (could be a year or more later). This is when the G.I.G.S. person either "hits bottom" due a lot of their bad choices and the consequences finally catching up to them or they are burning out of "the scene" which is chaos, drama, bs, etc. It get's really old after a while.

 

Don't be fooled thinking they want you back! Their bad influences and good time "friends" aren't there for them so they only use you as a "security blanket" and they disappear just as quick as they showed up only to go right back to doing what got them in their to begin with. Note: They can do this several times.

 

Phase 4 is next...

 

If your Ex shows up and is in the picture during Phase 4, I will just go ahead and tell you that you are going to go through pure hell. Why?

 

They think they are "normal" now, believe they want to be "normal" and even talk and sound "normal". Problem is... they aren't!

 

They will have a foot in "normal" and still have their bad influences, idiots they are dating / dated and their good time "friends" pulling on / hold their other foot in G.I.G.S. world, holding them back. Not to mention they usually have created a "mess" of their lives and they are dealing with cleaning that up as they bounce back and forth between you, whatever idiot / loser they are dating and their idiot friends.

 

So you could have a week of "normal" and then they disappear for a weekend or whatever and be back with idiot / loser and their good time "friends".

 

You see people that are in G.I.G.S. in Phase 4 a lot here on LS. It's pure hell and it will drive you out of your mind if you try and go through it with them, help them, etc.

 

The other thing about Phase 4 G.I.G.S. you need to be aware of... Is they think they are "normal" now and in a way right back where they started when they broke up with you. They think you are great and all but they never tried to date a "normal" person in Phases 1 - 3. So what happens here, they start to date (I should say torture) normal people like yourself trying to see if the Grass is Greener after all.

 

So you are dealing with "normal" person who tries to date other normal people like yourself while bouncing back to the losers and idiots they dated in G.I.G.S. and hanging with their good time "friends".

 

See why I call this is Pure Hell now?

 

Phase 5 is the promise land!

 

It's not till they started making good decisions, ditched the losers they were dating, walked away from that lifestyle and those good time "friends" and cleaned up the "mess" of their life that they made from G.I.G.S. that they are worth a crap.

 

This is when you see the person you once knew for the first time in a long, long time.

 

After going through all that crap and learning it all the "hard way"... They finally arrive to where you are at and want, need and desire all the same things you do now (although they have some mileage on them).

 

Considering the fact they never are going to meet a person like you in the circles they run in Phases 1 - 3 and scare off most normal people in Phase 4... That's why you generally see them show back up wanting a second chance years later.

 

I have had it happen to me 4 times and dealing with my 5th one now. I have seen it countless times with my friends (guys and girls too).

 

All the second chances (which have been a lot) that I have seen and work out were all G.I.G.S. related. It's where someone broke up to go have the "college experience", wanted to experience their life on their own, date around, travel, focus on school or career.

 

They met up 3 - 5 years later (where both people dated and were in other LTRs) and all the hurt, angry, bitterness, etc. was long since gone so it was for both of them to start a "BRAND NEW" relationship.

 

The reason a G.I.G.S. break up sucks so bad and hard to get over... Your Ex pretty much walk out on a what they will tell you is good thing, put you through an enormousness amount of heartache and pain for them to go and put themselves through all that crap!

 

The other problem is most G.I.G.S. dumpees either haven't gone through G.I.G.S. yet, are the type that never will go through it or you already did and no how meaningless and empty it is. As someone who loves and cares about them, it's hard to see your Ex become the complete opposite of what you knew and cause their life some much chaos, drama, BS, heartache and pain. Make no mistake, G.I.G.S. sucks! It's why most of them are drunk most of time, heavy into drugs or both.

 

So you go through all that pain, heartache and misery for essentially... NOTHING! When they come back (which a lot do)... That is the first thing they tell you. It's a hard pill to swallow!

Edited March 27, 2012 by gibson

[budley12]

G.I.G.S or no? My ex dumped me 4 months ago after a 3 year relationship. We were each others firsts. The story between us is a long one, however I will try to keep it short. My ex came out freshman year of college and that was when I started to experiment. We fooled around, and he immediately fell in love with me. I told him over and over that I was not ready for a relationship with another guy because I was not comfortable with it. Over the next year we were "together" but not dating... we were still freshmen and I wanted to see what else was out there so I fooled around with other people (and told my ex exactly what I was doing/how I was feeling). In my eyes it was not cheating because we were not dating, and I told him how I felt about "us" and I was not ready for commitment. I broke his heart over and over again after each time he found out I fooled around with someone else. I had told him to move on if he wanted more from me, but he stuck around hoping it would develop.

After some time it did develop into more. He gave me an ultimatum to be with him or not with him... so I chose him. I did not fool around with anyone else after this point. Everything was perfect then for about a year, but thats when a mutual friend got involved and tried to hook my ex up with a new guy. This mutual friend told my ex that I had cheated again and then my ex immediately broke up with me. One month later he wanted to get back with me but then decided against it and said "he forgave me for the heartbreak but could not forget".

Now my ex is with a new guy and I have been NC for 7weeks. He said he wanted to stay friends and for me to be apart of his life but it is too painful to see him with another guy. My ex truly loved me, and I honestly fell in love with him. We were starting to make future plans and I was even getting ready to propose. I am wondering if my ex has a case of GIGS, or if I truly did hurt him beyond repair. Is it time to 100% let him go, or do I keep some hope for us. We were each others firsts so maybe he is just testing the waters in other relationships. Also, we are both studying abroad in different countries next semester, so I am hopeful that if I stay NC with him until after we get back it may give us time to heal and possibly start something back up after? Thanks

[nature]

Gibson, the post you just wrote is so exactly what happened with my ex that it almost blows my mind. It's like are psychic explaining what happened to him, how he behaved during each of the phases, etc. I just cannot believe how accurate you are. My ex came back after the first year of doing a 180 and going off the wall with a huge pack of party friends. He wanted me back, was lying to me saying he was all good and made the biggest mistake of his life, but I knew he still had one foot in his "newfound other world" so I did not take him up on it. Very quickly he proceeded back to his party world that he had never actually left. Then suddenly he was in a relationship with a girl who was EVERYTHING he had described he didn't want in a woman. He used to say his worst nightmare was to date a single, newly divorced mom, and that's what he started dating. Shocked me. Now it's been another 2 years and I've had no contact with him, he's still been dating her, but he's reached out to me recently thru email and phone calls to apologize for what he did to me and how horribly he acted. There has been a hint of the "old him" in him now. However, I was up at a ski resort for the weekend and ran into him there with a few of his buddies in the happening nightspot there, and they were partying up a storm. Mind you so was I with my friends. but his girlfriend was not around, he was definately having a good time and he was with the boys he took up with when he went GIGS on me. He talked to me several times over the night and kept apologizing again, telling me how much he loves my parents, my family, how he ****ed up, gave me hugs, etc. Totally nice to me.

[gibson]

The link for the Phases didn't work in my post above.

 

Wilson reposted my G.I.G.S. Phases post. Look for it in the middle of the page.

[rob_h]

Ahhh Gibson your writing is so spot-on...

 

Just got bumped by my stage 4 ex. He wants to "make sure im the one" and have some "time alone" and is ego one minute and the old guy I used to know the next. I don't know what the hell to expect and how long it could go on for.

[jcp62]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/321037-first-broken-heart-book

^^^

Don't know how to post links to other threads like others have with the concealed URL, but that's the link to my "book". Curious as to what you have to say about this Gibson. I have read a lot of your posts on the whole GIGS thing these past couple of days, and I have actually laughed out loud because of how much it makes sense.

 

I don't mind the whole finding herself thing, it's just really hard for me to think about her sleeping around with other guys (considering we were each other's first and we both expected be each other's "onlys"). Knowing her, I don't think she would do the whole party/casual hookup scene, but from what I've read, I might not even recognize her if/when she goes thru this crazy thing called GIGS.

 

I'm almost dead set on weathering the storm and seeing what comes of us in the next 6 months to a year, and to me that involves not hooking up with other girls. I think part of my jealousy/problem with her being with other guys stems from the relationship as pictured in contemporary Western society - one of monogamy and not even having thoughts of being with people other than your partner.

 

I was thinking I need to just "draw a line in the sand" as to what I could accept if she ever did want to enter a relationship with me again. Do you think this would be a good idea or should I just let everything play out as it must and make decisions as they come (if she even ever wants me back in her life)?

[gibson]

I have not and I never would suggest you wait or hold out hope for an Ex to return. You should assume the worst, heal and move on.

 

You can't worry about what she is and isn't going to do. You two are broken up, you are both single and what you both do has nothing to do with the other person.

 

If she does come back and really want you (I'm not talking about the breadcrumbs she is sure to drop), it will not be for many YEARS.

 

What is more than likely to happen is... You will meet someone else, fall in love and end up happy.

[jcp62]

Thanks for the advice, I probably shouldn't be assuming or even hoping things work there way out. It just sucks thinking about not having her in my life anymore :'(

 

Any good threads you know of about the whole "healing process"? Kind of new to the whole deal.

[mullberry]

I have posted here before and love this website, it has been a real help even just reading the other people's post, however every now and then you gotta get your story out there, here is mine..

I just wanted to put on here that I think my ex has / had gigs (or whatever) as although our relationship had some flaws there was no reason for us to breakup (we are in our late 30's btw and were together 6 years). It has been 15 months since we broke up and we have had LC throughout that time (mainly texts from her which I occasionally reply to) she will be reminded of something good we did and want to tell me she thought about me.. I was as dignified as I could be during the breakup, yes I cried a lot.. And we had some long conversations but I didn't beg or plead, at month 5 I did go all out in a last attempt to win her back (maybe wrong, but was right for me at the time.. As it ensured in my head that i had tried everything at that stage to make her understand just how much I loved her) I expected rejection but doing this helped me (eventually) to move forward. Anyway, I then met someone and have been seeing her for about 5 months, the ghost of my ex is still there and I still get sad / emotional if I think about breaking up with her.. 10 months after I last saw my ex she asks if I want to meet up, I agreed (don't bother telling me if this was a mistake ive done it now!) Anyway, haing spoken to her for a couple of hours I just don't think she has faced up to anything.. She recalls our time together as the best and thinks I'm amazing, she wonders if, when she gets old she will regret not being with me. She seems emotionally vacant. She even said she was. It is like all the good stuff was there but the fact we are not together is a quirk of life, not because she bailed (this I find weird). If I'm honest I now know that during our 6 years I had doubts and my actions probably did not help, but I think I have learned from these harsh lessons and am getting on with it, I am still seeing the new girlfriend and she is very cool, I worry that it's too soon and I may hurt her although this is the last thing I want to do. I had half thought the ex was going to try to come back and I don't know why she wanted to see me. She did come out with a strange comment about fixing us and moving us to a new city where we can start again, but this is childish nonsense... All I want to know from her is why she thought we broke up, to know that she actually sat down, thought about it and could verbalise what happened. But I guess I have to wait another few years for that..

[loveydove]

I have not and I never would suggest you wait or hold out hope for an Ex to return. You should assume the worst, heal and move on.

 

You can't worry about what she is and isn't going to do. You two are broken up, you are both single and what you both do has nothing to do with the other person.

 

If she does come back and really want you (I'm not talking about the breadcrumbs she is sure to drop), it will not be for many YEARS.

 

What is more than likely to happen is... You will meet someone else, fall in love and end up happy.

 

Gibson,

 

my ex and I were in love for 6 years, he was sure I was the one. We had small break ups here and there in college, but he always said he still wanted to end up with me. He moved to California for work, and suddenly he found himself at a friends wedding and didn't know for sure he was supposed to end up with me. He has since broken things off, and 2 months later asked to see me. But he just ended up saying he doesn't know that I am the person he is "supposed" to end up with, and I should move on, even though he still loves me. Does this sound like GIGS? He definitely is the type of person to never be satisfied in his career, what kind of guitar he owns, his car, etc. Always looking for something better, or at someone who has more.

 

Thanks an advance for your insight.

[gibson]

Gibson,

 

my ex and I were in love for 6 years, he was sure I was the one. We had small break ups here and there in college, but he always said he still wanted to end up with me. He moved to California for work, and suddenly he found himself at a friends wedding and didn't know for sure he was supposed to end up with me. He has since broken things off, and 2 months later asked to see me. But he just ended up saying he doesn't know that I am the person he is "supposed" to end up with, and I should move on, even though he still loves me. Does this sound like GIGS? He definitely is the type of person to never be satisfied in his career, what kind of guitar he owns, his car, etc. Always looking for something better, or at someone who has more.

 

Thanks an advance for your insight.

 

You yourself had G.I.G.S. at one point in time even though you snapped out of it in a short amount of time... So you know that this is G.I.G.S. too.

 

Over the last he hasn't done the full 180 (not all of G.I.G.S. people do) but he and his life "changed" a good deal. His career is taking off, he moved to California to pursue his dreams and a relationship, love, etc. is no longer high on his list.

 

My G.I.G.S. was about me pursuing my career, proving that I had what it took and I was curious about dating others because I was in a LTR since I 17 to 22 or so, etc. In my situation I made my then Ex break up (by being a jerk the last 6 months or so because I didn't have the guts to do it myself) and ended a wonderful relationship with an amazing girl which I still deeply regret to this day (20 or so years later). My life wasn't ruined and I have gone on to achieve the success I desired and falling in love again. It just took me 15 or so years before I met someone else who "measured up" to the G.I.G.S. person I dumped because of that "phase" I went through. My G.I.G.S. Ex and I are still friends and talk from time to time even after all these years. She is very blessed to have a wonderful husband and 3 amazing kids and I couldn't be happier for her. My Ex met her husband right as I was coming out of G.I.G.S. and I tried everything to get her back... I was just too late and that is all on me.

 

What little I do know of your situation, I think the LTR from a young age, his career taking off and pursing it, etc... is G.I.G.S. and what probably happened. Trust me, there was nothing you could have done to stop / prevent it... Just immaturity / age and bad timing.

 

Again, I am sorry about your loss and what you are going through.

Edited April 10, 2012 by gibson

[loveydove]

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. He from time to time texts me, and is even talking about visiting the city I live in for the first time in 2 years, and expressed interest in seeing me then, etc. But at this point, it is best for me not to be seeing him and responding to him, right? It kills me, because I dont want him to fall out of love with me, but I dont want to always be here either.

[gibson]

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. He from time to time texts me, and is even talking about visiting the city I live in for the first time in 2 years, and expressed interest in seeing me then, etc. But at this point, it is best for me not to be seeing him and responding to him, right? It kills me, because I dont want him to fall out of love with me, but I dont want to always be here either.

 

His contact even though it's from time to time is typical of most G.I.G.S. dumpers. They usually drop a a lot of breadcrumbs that continues long after the break up, even many years later. They do not do this because they are evil and their intent is not cause you any additional harm or pain. They do it because they really do care, value and respect you and are being "friendly". Of course for G.I.G.S. dumpees this is extremely confusing and many are indeed hurt by any contact from their G.I.G.S. dumper.

 

In your case, first you have to think about you and what is best for you. I have a very strong feeling that he is wanting to meet you as an opportunity for the both of you to "catch up" and share what is going on in each other's lives and he is not playing a game.

 

If you meet with him, it is not going to make him want you back and if you think it's best no to meet with him, it's not going to prevent him from wanting a second change down the road if that is what he chooses.

 

So you just have to consider if this contact will help or harm you and you are the only person who really knows the answer to this question.

[loveydove]

I definitely waiver back and forth on that - sometimes I think it's better to have some contact because life is too short and I care very much for him. Other times I think it will make it hurt longer. My girlfriends say guys always want what they can't have - move on, break contact it will drive him crazy...but all I can think is that it might make it easier for him to get over me. And the fact that he still loves me is the only hope I have.

[Giggs]

omg. my ex totally hit almost all the points

 

We were together for 6 years and before we broke up, she said she was confused whether i am the one.

 

prior to that, her lifestyle changed too and have been going out much more and texting me much lesser. I confronted her about that and she told me that she cannot confirm her feelings

 

i suggest that we break up and she said she need 1 week of time out to think over but however she texted me back and said that she is willing to put in effort and try again after 2 days during the timeout period.

 

but however 4 days after she decided to give it a try again, she sort of forced me to break up with her. after which, 2 days after we broke up, she was seen outing with another guy till midnight.

 

Now the problem is that, i have started going into NC mode 2 days after we broke up but however, she is still in my facebook and twitter whereby she can know my activities.

 

so my question is, will my status updates on facebook and twitter affect my chance of reconciliation with her? Does status updating still considered NC? and normally how long will a person regret after going into GIGS phases.

[gibson]

so my question is, will my status updates on facebook and twitter affect my chance of reconciliation with her? Does status updating still considered NC? and normally how long will a person regret after going into GIGS phases.

 

Nothing you do will get her to want a second chance with you. If she will ever want one, it will be YEARS from now.

 

I suggest you read through this entire thread and take a look at the one below:

 

Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread!

[ThatDudeXO]

I'm not the type to hold on to false hope but my ex literally matches the description of a person going through GIGS nearly word for word. That's crazy.

[Gulf-Delta]

I'm not the type to hold on to false hope but my ex literally matches the description of a person going through GIGS nearly word for word. That's crazy.

 

Just remember, GiGs is just a theory and should be what you build your recovery around.

[truffelo]

Hello

I posted my story here a few days ago

and the more I read about this GIG syndrome, the more i think this was the reason of our break up (today a month ago)

 

I'm 25, she's 23. We were together for 6 years and we really were like a dream couple. There was always something magical between us. Even at the worst moments (like when i lost my job, she tragically lost a friend etc) we were able to make each other feel better within minutes.

 

We talked about everything and Untill 6 weeks ago it was pretty clear she was still crazy about me: She made a 80 pages book with pictures and texts about the two of us how lovely our relation was and things like "the best has yet to come"

 

That was just before she left for studying abroad. I was very supportive about that. But from one day to another she suddenly said (like she hadn't even thought about it) " I need a break, i need freedom".

That was pretty hard

She said it woulf be better for us as a couple on a long term and that she sill believed in our relation and she didn't want to give it up entirely because it was too good.

 

But ok, a few days later she allready was dating someone else and the only thing she's talking about is how much she drinks and how everyone loves here in italy and blablabla.

 

Now, even if she wants, she has to come back home (her parents) this summer because then her abroad studies end.

 

Can this "comeback" fasten the end of the GIGS?

[wilsonx]

No. If you see her this summer she won't be the same person you knew her as

 

She might want to catch up with you but don't mistake that as her wanting to get back in a relationship with you

Edited May 3, 2012 by wilsonx

[ThatDudeXO]

It makes zero difference to you whether your ex has GIGS or not. She's gone now and you have to deal with it. So accept that she's gone, don't hope for her return and move on.

 

IF she comes back, it won't be any time soon, I can almost guarantee you that. So don't hold on.

[complicatedgirl]

Hi I have a question regarding the GIGS thing.

 

here's my situation:

 

my guy and I were together for 4 years. what he did was this. He purposefully didn't greet me on our 4th year anniversary so I would talk to him. He said he wasn't happy anymore and He doesn't see us being together anymore. He feels that He doesn't see me as someone He will spend the rest of his life with. He's unsure of our relationship. But he still wants to be friends and thinks of me as one of the best things that ever happened to him.

 

what I did was: I didn't agree to being friends with him, and I said that we should have no contact. But the funny thing is, we're both studying in law school. He's 23 I'm 24. We both have the same school and same set of classes together so it's very very hard to not be visible to him.

 

It's been a year since we parted ways and the truth is, i have tried to move on. and I see that he's been kind of dating some girls but none sticks. and i do have that problem too. like i'm also looking for that certain 'spark' but it's not there. both of us are still single as of the moment. and honestly, I still miss him sometimes.

 

so what do you think? does he also have the GIGS? or it is just me thinking that way?

 

any assessment from any of you would be very thankful. thank you so much!