"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[Sloan]

I had just signed up for this site because I encountered this type of break-up and I must say its been tough. However, I have a few questions about it. My girlfriend broke it off with me after almost three years and everything was so great until she started making friends. I am 20 and she is 18. She has had a rough life and I have always been their for her but she has a rough time making and keeping friends. When she makes friends, its almost like she changes and doesn't really have interest in the relationship anymore. Prior to the breakup with her last week, she broke up with me a month prior to that. I had no clue what was going on and it kept feeling like someone was involved. Eventually I did find out she started communicating with another guy and hungout with him alone but claims she didn't do anything and they were just friends. I should also tell you she has cheated on me once when we first started dating but I was young and decided to take her back. We were great until the last two months where these two things happened. However, there was no fighting or anything, just random on her side. When I took her back again after she stopped communicating that guy, we were great for a month.

 

Fast Forwarding: She met another girlfriend who is pretty popular with girls and guys and she is going on vacation soon and my girlfriend (at the time) decided to go. When she broke up with me, I asked her why, and she made excuses and then would say a reasoning but then say the opposite and I was just scratching my head. The night before the breakup she told me that she didn't really care if we had broke up and thats when it hit me really hard. The following day I had a pretty good feeling it was ending soon. By now I sit here two weeks later wondering why it happened. I have people telling me not to be a nice guy all the time but I want to be who I am, not pretend to be someone else. If that person doesn't like it then its not meant to be. But, I sit here wondering if she is with another guy and I know I shouldn't care because I need to move on. It's been no contact for almost two weeks. I know deep down inside I don't want to get back with her in the future but I feel one day she will realize how great I treated during the whole relationship. I am not sure if she is going on that vacation because her friend hooked her up with a guy friend down their, I am not sure.

[DrStrangelove]

I had just signed up for this site because I encountered this type of break-up and I must say its been tough. However, I have a few questions about it. My girlfriend broke it off with me after almost three years and everything was so great until she started making friends. I am 20 and she is 18. She has had a rough life and I have always been their for her but she has a rough time making and keeping friends. When she makes friends, its almost like she changes and doesn't really have interest in the relationship anymore. Prior to the breakup with her last week, she broke up with me a month prior to that. I had no clue what was going on and it kept feeling like someone was involved. Eventually I did find out she started communicating with another guy and hungout with him alone but claims she didn't do anything and they were just friends. I should also tell you she has cheated on me once when we first started dating but I was young and decided to take her back. We were great until the last two months where these two things happened. However, there was no fighting or anything, just random on her side. When I took her back again after she stopped communicating that guy, we were great for a month.

 

Fast Forwarding: She met another girlfriend who is pretty popular with girls and guys and she is going on vacation soon and my girlfriend (at the time) decided to go. When she broke up with me, I asked her why, and she made excuses and then would say a reasoning but then say the opposite and I was just scratching my head. The night before the breakup she told me that she didn't really care if we had broke up and thats when it hit me really hard. The following day I had a pretty good feeling it was ending soon. By now I sit here two weeks later wondering why it happened. I have people telling me not to be a nice guy all the time but I want to be who I am, not pretend to be someone else. If that person doesn't like it then its not meant to be. But, I sit here wondering if she is with another guy and I know I shouldn't care because I need to move on. It's been no contact for almost two weeks. I know deep down inside I don't want to get back with her in the future but I feel one day she will realize how great I treated during the whole relationship. I am not sure if she is going on that vacation because her friend hooked her up with a guy friend down their, I am not sure.

 

Sorry to break it to you... that closure will never come. If you read my thread my gf dated my for 3 years, and she broke up with me for another guy. She followed the typical GIGS syndrome. That is what your girl is going through. She may come back.. but, I am with you... don't take her back. I have just realized young girls do not have the mentality to stick through it for the long-term. She needs to date other guys. Best way for you to heal is go straight into no contact. She may feed you breadcrumbs...do not bite. She want's to make sure she has a backup plan. Let her suffer.. you're. If you read my thread...it is really similar to yours. I even lived with my ex for a year. It's been 45 days now. I have coped. There are 7 billion people in this world, I'm sure everyone has a few million there compatible with. Stay strong, you already sound like your on the right path. Get off everything in this forum. Plenty of good folks around here to help.

 

Keep it short, but accurate.

[Sloan]

Thank you so much for the reply.

 

It's been two weeks since the break up and I am better, but still hurting. But TODAY I came home to a package that read Happy Valentines Day and I have yet to open the package. I am not sure if I should open it, put it away, or return the package. I am getting the feeling she either wants a back up plan, or she is completely lost in her life right now. I cannot take her back because she hasn't learned from her mistakes yet and I have only dated one girl and been in one relationship which was her of three years. I am not sure if this is the "Breadcrumbs" technique or what she is really thinking? I can't completely trust her that she isn't talking to other people right now.

[jazzyladyree]

i am currently going through this, its hurts like hell. how do you cope with it

[DrStrangelove]

Thank you so much for the reply.

 

It's been two weeks since the break up and I am better, but still hurting. But TODAY I came home to a package that read Happy Valentines Day and I have yet to open the package. I am not sure if I should open it, put it away, or return the package. I am getting the feeling she either wants a back up plan, or she is completely lost in her life right now. I cannot take her back because she hasn't learned from her mistakes yet and I have only dated one girl and been in one relationship which was her of three years. I am not sure if this is the "Breadcrumbs" technique or what she is really thinking? I can't completely trust her that she isn't talking to other people right now.

 

I opened an email after the breakup - all it was - was a take care of yourself, how her life is ****ty, when it really wasn't. I'm telling you to not open it. Send it back to the post office, or throw it away. You and I are really similar, it was my first girl, and my first long-term. These girls are all just a learning experience for the future. Just focus on yourself, make yourself better, stronger, and wiser. Come out of this healed. She will go through a rebound, then the grieving stage and probably come crawling back. Resist it. Even if she learns from her mistakes, there's no guarantee she will stay forever. She could leave again for another guy. They are YOUNG, they do not realize what sacrifice is. Leave her in the past.

[Sloan]

I think the toughest part for me right now is social networking. I have been restraining myself from logging on facebook or twitter because when I see her post it's the only thing that makes me feel depressed or saddened. I have done a pretty good job but could do better. As I already mentioned, she is going away this Thursday with her friend and I have no clue what is going to happen but the thought of her hooking up with someone else (not saying she will) but disgust me. I am not dwelling over it but it can be frustrating at times. I am lucky to also be going away this Thursday for a week and a half with my family where I hope to get my mind off of this. I assume she must think about me at times but it can get irritating to maybe know she doesn't really care or is fine with not having me in her life where I have done so much for this individual. I mean, before I met her she was at a really tough time in her life. She was hanging out with friends who were doing illegal things and later her father past away where I continued to go to college but took care of her. I don't understand how someone can just shut off the one person in her life who is a positive influence. The thing that makes me understand that I would never marry this girl is one she cheated but also we have totally different families. Her mother and step father have a very abusive relationship with cheating involved and live with a lot of dysfunction. Whereas with my family, my mother is happily re-married (was cheated on by my father when she had three kids and pregnant with another) coming up on 11 years anniversary. My family is very old-fashioned and really focus on good manors, loyalty, etc.

 

So when I was with her, I always kind of felt like a mentor or a big brother trying to explain the do's and don'ts. But she never believed she could get into college and I proved to her she could get straight A's and get into college and last month she witnessed it herself. Sooner or later she must realize but I am not sure. I know I must move on and I have been doing a pretty good job of it but I continue to think about her though processing and why it was she left me because as I have read, how am I supposed to learn from this if I don't know what I did wrong? Maybe I didn't do anything wrong? I don't really think I did.

 

Thank you again, you're help is really appreciated!

[DrStrangelove]

I hear ya. To be honest.. you come across as a good guy. You did nothing wrong from the sounds of your words. She may have wanted to call it quits a long time ago. I think that was the case of my story - the girl emotionally checked out 6 months before the breakup. They do not want to hurt us so try to let it be a slow break up. About the disgusting thing, lol I went through that. She is already dating another guy - and I did have some nightmares. But, try to remember things could always be worse. It's better you find this out now, instead of 5 years from now. Just remember you will find someone who cares about you as much as you did her. She probably will hook up with someone, sorry to be honest, but girls at that age do odd things. Why? We can never pinpoint it. No Contact will help you heal. I'm talking to a new girl, and have already messed by being overzealous.

[newsbug]

So it kind of sounds like my now ex has the GIGS. If I need to respect him and give him his space along with respecting myself and stopping communication with him so I can try and heal...what do I do when he keeps texting me and asking me how I am? I don't want to tell him to eff off, but I don't want to talk to him either. It would be really nice if I could get through this without it being a horrible break up and then if things were meant to be later on, they will be. But if I become a crazy person then it can't be. Even if things never work out and we stay split...I'd rather be the bigger person and not let it get to a really ugly area. Do I still just do the NC thing and just stop answering his texts? Do I sent him a email telling him how I feel and that I don't hate him but I need space now just as much as he does.

[Sloan]

I think No contact is the best thing to do when your involved in GIGS because you want to show that person that they infact do need you in there life. If you are trying to get back together with the person, then its best to do no contact because they will realize what they are missing and that you're not there for them anymore. If you continue to contact them, they will know you are always their for them and you will be set as a backup incase whatever they are doing fails. Break ups are usually a time to focus on yourself, how to make yourself happy, what are your goals, etc. You should never wait for someone, there is always someone out their for you who will treat you the way you treat others.

Also, you shouldn't feel guilty or not the bigger person by nc.

[woutermm]

Dear all,

 

This is a serious thread.

 

I’m currently an MBA student at London Business School and I’m doing in-depth research on the dynamics and processes on break-ups. Since it’s a sensitive subject, I need a lot of honest, anonymous inputs. Therefore, I’ve created a temporary forum (not in competition with this one at all), where I posted 30 or so research questions were I would like your opinion on (feel free to choose). The questions are formulated to be answered by women, so please respect this. Feel free to share this link if you want to be part of the academic research, that will likely lead to a publication of a book around July 2013.

 

LINK: breakuplounge.forumchitchat.com (please remove the spaces after the points)

 

Thank you very much for your valuable insights.

Kind regards,

 

Wouter

[marklarsson]

my ex is behaving in this exact same way. because her actions seemed confusing i tried to win her back. but recently i just told her that i want to be with her but im not going to contact her anymore and that she should not expect me to be waiting about either

 

do you think this is a good way to handle the situation?

[soverynewtothis]

I am a new dumpee and I think my ex has GIGS. I am also new to being heartbroken (first relationship, first real love, first break up), but it seems that I am following your advice so far (I haven't contacted, am trying to focus on myself). So, I may still be a little too optimistic about the state of our relationship. But I am not yet hopeless that he will eventually come back to me.

 

What are the chances of reconciliation long distance? Long story short, we had been together for over 2 years, the last 6 months of which he lives in the next state.

[Love4Pain]

After my ex broke up with me (long distance, kind of applied to GIGS too) I googled everything under the sun about how to heal, and I understand No Contact for healing, and most sites say go no contact because it helps the dumper to think about/remember what was so great about you and maybe they will miss you. However I found one site that talked about how No contact only showed your ex that you don't care about them enough to want them in your life, and that communication with your ex is very important, and by communicating it shows that you do care about them and how will you know if you can get back together if you never talk.

 

How do you all feel about this? I know it hurts so much to talk to your ex after you break up, usually they try to move on right away with someone else or you feel like they are just using you for emotional support, but I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing with No contact.

 

I've had 3 previous bf's contact me after 4 or 5 years saying how stupid they were, I was so great, ect, and this was after we had cut all contact with each other, but...for the most part I never wanted to get back with them. I now have an ex who I want to get back with, but I don't want to "see if they come around in 5 years" because I stopped talking to them....so I'm kind of leaning on the whole, communication with the ex.

 

So what are your thoughts? And/or did N.C or contact help you get back with someone you wanted to be with?

[levi29]

I really enjoyed reading your thread about having a "specific" type of breakup. I connected to it because I am currently going through a very similar experience. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and living with him for a little over a year. I have always been very confident about our bond and relationship, yet have been resentful recently due to him not working. He has struggled to maintain a job and has been unemployed since we lived together. Instead of enjoying our new home together we were stressing out about money. I continued to show support and love and was confident we would overcome this obstacle together as a team... He came to me a two weeks ago and said he longer wanted to be in the relationship. He told me he hasn't felt emotionally connected and that he can't even take of himself. This doesn't make any sense to me because I have stood by his side this entire time and supported him and now he wants to leave me. I am in a lot of pain and confusion. He would tell me almost every week that he could not wait to start working so he could afford a ring to propose. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I tried to reach out to him and said there are other solutions and that we didn't even try to work through the problem,but he said it was too much work and not willing to do it. I know that this is not the man for me now and plan to move forward, but I hate the shock of it and I feel as though my efforts were a waste of time. Anyways sorry for ranting, but I felt maybe someone could relate to my story....

[levi29]

I really enjoyed reading your thread about having a "specific" type of breakup. I connected to it because I am currently going through a very similar experience. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and living with him for a little over a year. I have always been very confident about our bond and relationship, yet have been resentful recently due to him not working. He has struggled to maintain a job and has been unemployed since we lived together. Instead of enjoying our new home together we were stressing out about money. I continued to show support and love and was confident we would overcome this obstacle together as a team... He came to me a two weeks ago and said he longer wanted to be in the relationship. He told me he hasn't felt emotionally connected and that he can't even take of himself. This doesn't make any sense to me because I have stood by his side this entire time and supported him and now he wants to leave me. I am in a lot of pain and confusion. He would tell me almost every week that he could not wait to start working so he could afford a ring to propose. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I tried to reach out to him and said there are other solutions and that we didn't even try to work through the problem,but he said it was too much work and not willing to do it. I know that this is not the man for me now and plan to move forward, but I hate the shock of it and I feel as though my efforts were a waste of time. Anyways sorry for ranting, but I felt maybe someone could relate to my story....

[marklarsson]

I really enjoyed reading your thread about having a "specific" type of breakup. I connected to it because I am currently going through a very similar experience. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and living with him for a little over a year. I have always been very confident about our bond and relationship, yet have been resentful recently due to him not working. He has struggled to maintain a job and has been unemployed since we lived together. Instead of enjoying our new home together we were stressing out about money. I continued to show support and love and was confident we would overcome this obstacle together as a team... He came to me a two weeks ago and said he longer wanted to be in the relationship. He told me he hasn't felt emotionally connected and that he can't even take of himself. This doesn't make any sense to me because I have stood by his side this entire time and supported him and now he wants to leave me. I am in a lot of pain and confusion. He would tell me almost every week that he could not wait to start working so he could afford a ring to propose. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I tried to reach out to him and said there are other solutions and that we didn't even try to work through the problem,but he said it was too much work and not willing to do it. I know that this is not the man for me now and plan to move forward, but I hate the shock of it and I feel as though my efforts were a waste of time. Anyways sorry for ranting, but I felt maybe someone could relate to my story....

 

maybe he is feeling sorry for himself. as a man not being able to provide really lowers our ego etc.. give him some time and see what he says

[still living in hope]

I recently broke up with my GF after 1 year and 4 months.

 

This is my story

 

Before she met me

4-5 months before she met me she dated a guy a few times. He kept mucking her about cancelling dates etc..

 

Enter me

I met my GF through a cracking one night stand, we started a sexual relationship which developed into a loving relationship.

 

The relationship overall

Overall the relationship was very rocky. This was mainly due to jealosies, insecurities and binge drinking - on both parts. We split up many times in our relationship over all manner of different things. We wernt Angels!!!

 

We also had some really loving fun times!! some much togetherness!!We went on holiday to lanzarote and also Cuba.

 

The problem

Early in the relationship by chance I became aware that she was texting some guy - I found this strange because she told me about everything. She said she'd known him years they were just friends although she had kissed him a couple of times.

 

One day I glimpsed a bit of her message from him which started "Hi sexy".

 

This caused big ruptions in our relationship. I was accused of not trusting her and being in-secure. However she saw it was causing problems and said she would stop messaging him.

 

I also used to message a friend I once kissed years before. My GF also hated it. Difference was though we were actually just friends. We used to meet up as friends before I met my GF but after I met my GF that all stopped because it wasnt worth the agro. The only time I ever spoke to or saw my friend (I once kissed) was when things were bad with the GF.

 

Oneday we momentarily bumped into the guy at a festival - my girlfriend did not at all handle this situation well. On our way home he messaged her saying she looked fine and that he wanted to give her a lift home. What a ***** right? I was also aware that he had a girlfriend.

 

This caused massive problems!!! She said she did nothing to encourage it and said again she wouldnt message anymore him and tell him to stop. She said that it wasnt worth it and that I was worth so much more!!

 

I think at one point I gave her the ultimatum continue texting him or I'm leaving you - I was accussed of being possesive and having issues that I needed to sort out. I actually went on anit-depressents believing I had some kind of issue!

 

I think eventually I stopped asking about him. It just caused so many problems and hurt. I know she continued messaging him - but I just left it - believing that it was nothing and I was everything.

 

The last time we split up was just after christmas we got back together a few days later.

 

Since that break up for me it was a new year and a fresh new start. I started going go the gym and getting really fit - I took things slowly with her, stopped having irrational thoughts and things got so much better. All the drama stopped - which is what she wanted - I really began to trust her. I hadnt really spent enough time with her family because of the rocky road but as things were going well I went along for her Mums birthday. Me, her and her mum and dad - we even all jumped in my car. Things were good.

 

The break-up

A week later my GF tells me she developing feelings for the other guy (without meeting up with him as far as I know) and that our relationship is over - completeley out of the blue. She says she doesnt want to cheat on me so therefore shes ending the relationship.

 

So shes basically just letting me know that she going too. Or that she wants to see him so she can see how she feels - however - shes not coming back to me.

 

This caused a really horrible break-up. Worst I've ever experienced. I said and done some really horrible things - she said some really hurtful things.

 

After the break up

After the break up I found out that she had been lying to me. She had not known him years only for four to five months before me and she hadnt only kissed him she had slept with him. I also found out that he mucked her around big time cancelling dates etc... I have no problem with what happened before she met me.

 

Shes spun me the whole "grass is greener syndrome" concept in those exact words.

 

So off she goes.

 

The GIGS Concept

the GIGS concept is really b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t its basically a permanent break up. One partner goes of with another - then may or may not try to come back - which doesnt matter because the dumpee will not accept the dumper back anyway. I think Its just people living in hope!!!

 

Hope is very important!! Reminiscing out the future is important. You cant do anything about the past but the future is right there waiting in front of you

 

Could you really be bothered with it? Wouldnt you rather have a fresh start!!!

 

I am not dealing with the situation very well. ATM Im just still living in hope.

 

I have been onto the internet and actually found myself a hot date for tonight!!! Im sure that this will just be a temporary fix.

 

I am not looking at starting a new relationship - Im going to make friends with her. I'm going to hope that she likes me for the person I am.

 

Just nice to have some company that makes you feel good!! A fresh relationship!!

 

My Ex GF on the other hand? is entering the guys world with whome shes been conspiring!! un-pure and it will be full of memories of me - for both of them I feel sorry.

 

Please let me know your thoughts on my situation!!

[Shizhappens]

Would appriciate anyone who reads and replys to this...

So met this girl through a friend, was friend of older sister before i knew her, but we started dating and became close very quickly.

She was 17 when i met her i was 18 now 21, broke up just over a month ago as she said she dint feel the same about me anymore, i wasnt the person she fell i. Love with during the 4 years we were together, i was her first(sexualy). In whole the relation ship was not perfect we had our fare share of arguments, probably more than the average relationship. First year we were together we bost had terrible losses, i lost teo of my best friends to a car accident in which the loss of them was replaced by her. She also lost a family member in which i was there for her all the way, she also had family issues in which i was there for, along side college, friends, money so in and so forth.

We got pregnant 2 years in, but decided against it eventhough it killed us both inside but for the position we were in it was for the best. We done alot of activities with eachothers familys. A year latter due to weed and agee issues i pushed her away told her i Needed a break why? I cannot explain... even tho i loved her dearly. She found attention elsewhere but quickly sorted things out. And made ammends. We then carried on with love even stronger than before spoke about marriage and having kids in time to come, we went on holiday jamaica july 2012 and it was paradise met my relatives of the country and she felt like part of the family.

We got back and things sorta went down hill on my part had a few issues i kept inside like found lump, work went dry, no money, felt i dint have freedom of my own like driving and living with parents so i kind of felt restricted, kept these things from her dint get the sexual urge like i used to... Made her feel unattractive january came and we broke up over something silly and she told me that was it, she had had enough of my bulls*** and we didnt speak for weeks.

i fell off scaffold at work and when she found out she cane to see me and made sure i didnt sleep due to concussion sat up all night watching me told me how in live with me she was, a week latter an arguement and we broke up she told me she dint love me she hates me donesnt want to talk to me im just some one she used to know and that she had been over the relationship for a while, but weeks before told me she would bever leave, would always love me no matter what, wants to get married and have kids soon! I know this is what some women are like, what they feel at that time just want to know if this could be a case of GIGS?

Any reply greatly appriciated thanks!

[Shizhappens]

Yes of course appriciate it mate she wasnt my first love or first fling, she reminded me of that all the time cudnt let go of my past... Im over the worst of it, the loss stage, the no contact stage im more pissed as she cudnt give me a reason as to why she hates me so much after how much i was there for her, but yh, focus on myself, improve and learn. Didnt think it was possible, but jt does help! Thanks for reply

[travelonic]

This thread makes me wonder if G.I.G is involved or not, as the situations seem to match that in the OP.

 

To start: This girl is about 3 1/2 years younger than I, she is almost 20, I'm almost 23 1/2. This was her first real relationship - this was my 2nd, the first one being, well, one that started OK, but quickly became crap because we [being the person I was dating at that time] didn't see each other more than 3 or so times per year - even when she was in town [went to college an hour and a half away from me].

 

We [being the girl in my latest now-dead relationship] met not this past October, but a year before that, roughly 16 months ago at the college we both go to. We met and almost instantly we connected ridiculously well. Turns out the number of similarities between us - not just mentally/behaviorally/ideologically, idealistically, but to small extents [aside from the obvious male vs female differences] - physically as well. [and yes, in spite of the similarities, there were glaring differences - but the similarities were enough where people wondered, "is that guy dating... his sister? 0_o" ]. We did not go into a relationship right away - in fact, it wasn't until 2 months later we decided to officially enter one. We did a ton together, and regularly Skype'd each other for anywhere from an hour to 4 hours. One of the biggest things that kept her looking at me was our unique level of similarity - made her feel less like a freak of nature, less alone [since she does have low self esteem, trouble being social [though when in a situation where she HAS to, does so quite well]. During the following spring semester a friend new to the school joined the group of friends we - being her and I - were in. She started getting a little crush-y, lusty towards him - by which I mean very little, to the point where she still was / seemed very much in control. He saw this, and kept himself away out of respect for us, knowing the consequences of letting it get out of hand. One of my friends talked to her [in general, not specifically], and in the conversation she said [about me] that I was the greatest thing to happen to her, and that she loved me dearly/wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Since we both had similar, if not the same, peeves, and issues, and expressed them the same way, we understood each other, and communicated in ways I can safely say others would DREAM to be able to do. We spent Valentine's Day, her birthday together - holidays [Easter with her and hermom, Hanukkkah, Passover, Rosh Hashana[ together, we got together and did things as often as we could on top of spending lots of time together on campus.

 

The summer came, and went without incident. Then the fall came.

 

Her feelings became clear infatuation, and she started flirting with him - though she was consciously aware of this, especially when she saw it visibly upsetting me. One thing I need to note here is she has a hard time handling confrontations, or anything that will either possibly become one, or resemble one. On top of that, she has trouble asking for help - academic, relationship, etc, both in knowing who to ask, and what to ask - ESPECIALLY when it is a situation she has never been in before.

 

My birthday came and went in October, and we celebrated together - and at no time did I feel like her feelings were diminished at all. [the **** hitting the fan happened early in November].

 

The feelings were conflicting, she said, and she sought advice on how to handle it - which did set off some warning bells, but not strong enough for me ... until I found out [too late] that she sought advice on how to control herself and save our relationship from the very guy she was obsessing over [and gave her more of an excuse to flirt]. The Monday before the **** hit the fan and splattered everywhere I noticed she was on Skype, but not accepting my calls. The next day, we were together, then I went to class - and came back seeing her with him. That was very upsetting... that night, she cut off all communication - including Facebook, skype, etc, and went into a relationship with him that night. Up until the night before all this happened, in spite of her conflicted feelings - she said, and showed - deep feelings, affection towards me [and I to her - quite symmetrically too]. So much for that, after 11 months relationship + 2 months of getting to know each other as friends before that]

 

Obviously, I wanted some goddamned answers. The next month I finally got to talking to her - first alone, then the guy joined in. From what I garnered, she talked about "problems" that were really not problems at all - sure, they were a little annoying, but some of this was misunderstanding [like for example sometimes she'd be joking around, and I'd misunderstand her as being serious about something - sometimes the opposite occurred and she'd get ticked because she'd say something serious and I thought she was joking due to her tone.... but SOMETIMES she mistook something like a cough, hiccup, etc as me not being serious when we were having a serious talk - which was not the case at all. I also feel these feelings were exaggerated with this guy being brought into the picture].

 

When the guy joined in, forget about it - it's odd, like a disconnect occurred. She said she had never "felt this way about anybody before" about the guy [which anybody who knew us - friends, family, etc, could say - due to the way we were around each other - was a load of BS.]. She wasn't sure how she felt when alone - as in, without the guy - but was very sure when he was around - and only when he was around. She also seemed - both when the guy was around and when he was not, unsure of some of the reasoning that she had for breaking up - whether some issues she had about our relationship were real, fixable or not, or if they didn't seem fixable if that was exaggerated feelings because of her conflicted feelings over me and this other guy, relationships, who she wants to be with, etc. She also said that they talked, and basically they told a story of her going head over heels for him over some story about strength - kid was bullied in middle school, found friends, overcame them, yada yada] - which they told me [after her wondering when he stopped giving in to her flirting] happened the day before the **** hit the fan. He, btw, gave into her flirting the night a nor'easter made getting off campus extremely difficult - resulting in him giving her his cell phone #. That night, if her mom didn't need her home to help out, she woulda gone home with me [and we woulda slept together], instead she ended up stranded on a bus for 6 hours. ~_~

 

The 2nd time we talked, she admitted that she felt horrible about breaking my heart, and "throwing away a good thing" [her words] - and she also kept reassuring me throughout it all that shouldn't blame myself, that it is all her fault - even though I didn't feel like blaming myself at all [mainly since I still wanted to figure out for myself what the flying **** is going on to begin with]. I said "don't be a stranger," to which she replied "I don't want to be a stranger" and before I left the conversation, she said "I love you." I just kept walking, tossing a Snapple bottle I was carrying into a bush nearby as I walked away.

 

According to his friends, the guy did everything he could - though it feels like bull****, I see the likelihood of that being true [though I wish I'd get a direct answer to whether or not he sat her down and talked to her, told her 'no'] OTOH he is inexperienced with relationships, so who knows. They also say she also complains on Facebook a LOT about feeling conflicted about things regarding our breakup, feeling horrible, etc.

 

Interestingly enough, when anybody asks her what she sees in this new guy, you only get two things - emotional strength, and that he is - as a youtube personality would say - hot-hothothot-hot. OTOH if she was asked that about me before **** hit the fan, you'd get answers about how caring I was, how our similarities made us understand ourselves - and each other - better, how she no longer felt like a freak of nature, alone [even wen we were just friends she felt that way]. There is pessimism amongst friends that this will last, and that it will fall apart, especially since it seemed like his giving in to her flirting turned G.I.F esque infatuation into unhealthy obsession for the guy.

 

After continuing to make mistakes so far as trying to contact, talk to, plead to her - especially since I nearly made things catastrophically worse at one point, my friends pulling me back in time and keeping me from doing anything really stupid - as of two weeks and 3 days ago I initiated a rule for myself of absolutely NO contact at all - and avoid situations where I'd run into her on campus.

 

What do yous make of all this? Any degree of G.I.G involved? If not, what do you think is going on here?

Edited March 1, 2013 by travelonic

[Thunderchild]

Not sure if I've undergone a GIGS break up or if I have just dodged a bullet with an extremely immature, spineless, 44 year old 'Princess'.

 

The background. We were together for 5 years, had our ups and downs (as we all do) but, somehow we managed to keep it together. 13 days ago she announced that she had had a 'fling' with someone at her work Xmas party and had just found out from the doctor that she was pregnant to him having been previously told that she could not have children. She then said that her paramour/'Baby Daddy' wasn't on the scene any more - that it was a one night thing - and that she planned to take the single mother route through life. The break up - although painful and blind-siding me - went suprisingly well from my perspective. I didn't grovel or beg, but did tell her how much she meant to me, to which she replied that ".......we do not have a future" and that ".....nothing was happening in our relationship" (so, obviously it was all-my-fault), which was odd as I had spent the two months before and after her return from her parents suggesting that we move in together. The rejected sexual advances (post-Xmas) I put down to her illness over the Xmas period - and took things gently - she had suffered a very severe ear infection which had macerated her eardrum and wasn't healing properly.

 

It didn't actually occur to me that she was pushing me away because her paramour might be waiting in the wings as she strung me along (for the support and stability) to make sure that 'Baby-Daddy' was on-board, so to speak, before abandoning ship. Plus the reluctance to us moving in together may have been down to paramour already being on the scene prior to the Xmas 'fling'. If she hadn't fallen pregnant, I suspect I may never have found out about this episode. Looking at that scenario, an awful lot of what happened now seems to fit.

 

I challenged her on her inability to take responsibity for what she said had happened - the usual excuses came out "I was drunk" and "It just happened" (she was obviously a 'victim-of-circumstances' and not her own choices and decisions) etc which really riled me up. She mumbled a half-assed apology as she excused herself to which I replied that she wasn't sorry at all and told her to get out. I have been NC since that moment.

 

GIGS or No-GIGS?? Or, was she just a silly little girl who met someone and didn't have the decency to tell me until the pregnancy forced her hand??

Edited March 2, 2013 by Thunderchild

[adelia]

I never assume the grass is greener because it takes work no matter who you're with or the situation. After the honeymoon wears off that's when you see how compatible you are, how much you have in common and how your personalities mesh. I also don't have the I never do anything wrong syndrome that can go along with the gig one.

Nothing great is ever easy but it can be so worth it.

[travelonic]

I do think my story is G.I.G.S - given how the story, the actions thus far, the situations specfically match everything in the OP it seems, but hopefully others can/will chime in.

 

If it is in fact G.I.G.S, I wonder if the gravity of it all - what she did, who she is hurting, etc - will actually hit her hard - it seems like she is aware of the hurt going on, but not fully "aware" of it.

[lamaga]

Is there anyone who could help me with my issue? I am still reading through this thread and it has helped me alot. I think my ex-boyfriend might suffer from gigs big time.

A little story of a breakup and what happened after.... ! - LoveShack.org Community Forums

[Drummerboy420]

Would a female in her early 30's get GIGS? She recently turned 31, I am 28 going on 29 in April. We were together for 6 years, starting from when she was 25, and I was 22 going on 23.