"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[DreamStrong]

I know you posted this awhile ago, but the information was helpful, thank you--I just recently experienced a painful breakup with someone that did exactly as you described; yep, blind-sided me...

[ShockS]

To ___________

 

Today is the __th of _______, we broke up on the __th of ________.

Since we last spoke I’ve had good days & bad days….

Today is a bad day.

You sent me a message about _____________________________.

I haven’t replied.

I can’t talk to you right now.

I’ve been through break-up’s before. I’ve cried more at others, but I have never been as sad as I am now.

For the last __ weeks I have been trying to understand what happened.

Playing things over & over in my mind.

There are so many questions I’ve wanted to ask you.

But I realize now that you don’t have the answers.

I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.

That’s not a ‘line’ it’s the truth. I would have done anything for you.

Somewhere in your heart I know you love me too.

But I think you’ve been standing too close to see it.

That’s why things are over.

You’ve gone to see the bigger picture.

Maybe someday you’ll realize that we should’ve stayed together.

But I can’t tell you this.

You have to find out for yourself.

You have broken my heart.

I don’t know if I can forgive you for this just yet.

Someday I will, I know this.

Because someday I will be over you.

And this is what it takes.

And that’s ok too.

Maybe you will never read this letter.

Because this letter is not for you….. It’s for me.

This is to help me realize that I was fully in love with you.

This letter is to help me make sense of things.

You don’t deserve my love right now.

You are too selfish at the moment.

Even if you wanted to get back together now it wouldn’t work.

You are not right for me the way you are.

Although this is tearing my life apart, you need to do what you are going to do.

I can’t shake the image of you giving yourself to someone else.

It’s heartbreaking.

But that’s ok.

Because it means my pain is real. I was true, I was honest with myself.

I really do deserve better & it will happen for me, because I will be worth so much more to someone else than I am to you right now.

Maybe we will get back together in the future.

Maybe we will lead completely separate lives & never speak again.

Maybe we will both love someone else more than we loved each other.

Maybe you will even be that someone, but you aren’t that person yet.

I don’t know if this breakup will make you better or worse.

For me I know things will get better because I’m a little bit stronger now.

I know what I want.

Edited March 9, 2013 by ShockS

[kaeno]

nothing to see here

Edited March 9, 2013 by kaeno
post was inappropriate

[DreamStrong]

Thank you for your excellent letter--still crying. Yes, I will get over this, but oh how this hurts.

[CorridorE]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/378648-going-into-no-conact-but-there-still-hope-us

 

This is my story if anyone would care to read. I wonder if my ex is going through GIGS...

[Thunderchild]

The grass is always greener - over the septic tank!!

[travelonic]

I would really like some input on my story [top of this page], how much of it is, or could be a case of G.I.G.S, whatnot from their perspective [even though I do already feel like it is - and all te signs are present[

[maino]

exactly the same thing happened to me. seriously I say you gotta know what you want .my gf wanted space I've now realized that bull**** she want to date other people and see obviously how the sex is .im 27 shes 31 im the second guy she slept with ,the first guy she dated for 13 years ... I cut ties now she can sleep around see who ever see wants but I aint taking her back.I'd never no how many guys she would have screwed .

[Gaz1]

I'm 28 and my wife is 26 we broke up 6 months ago and have 2 lovely children very young. I've been with my wife 5 yrs and married nearly 3 yrs, ive never been a bad husband and always cared for her, before we split she started going out with her mates a lot then out of the blue hit me with the I'm not in love with u anymore words, was a complete shock and had me begging and pleading to her, writing love letters as she didn't wanna speak about it,then 3 weeks after split found out she's dating some1 else taking my kids to parks and stuff, she filed for divorce and lied about it,(just to get a quick 1 on me) done me for bad behaviour, I had no option but to sign it, since then she wasn't happy with £100 a week so she got CSa on me, now she gets £80 a week, she's always lolling for an excuse to start an argument and she's always going pubs a lot, my heads all over the show still as the divorce is nearly final and I still care for her, I would love a chance to reconcile just so I can be there for my kids everyday

[travelonic]

my gf wanted space I've now realized that bull**** she want to date other people and see obviously how the sex is .i.

 

Wanting to explore greener pastures it sounds exactly like G.I.G.S - maybe not so much 'bull****' - as wanting to be apart to explore 'greener pasture' is what it seems like she wanted, and is now doing.

[calgary]

so she goes out and does the dirty with tonnes of guys and then when she's had her fun you take her back ? no thanks! I really hope that not all girls want to be a wh*re at some point in their lives and that I can find a decent girl who hasn't slept with half my friend group some day.

[shutta300]

So my ex gf broke up with me a month ago. All I can get out of her was she wasn't happy and some reasons why. They didn't seem like such big deals. So of course I began doing those things she wanted cuz I loved her without her even trying on her end. Doing them apparently didn't do s***. I come to find out that she was talking to some guy from work, who she is now dating after 3 weeks of being broken up. So anything I did wasn't gonna help cuz it seems she had made up her mind to move on to someone else instead of work on our relationship. Dunno if this would be a case of G.I.G.S or not. She is 22 and it wasn't and extremely long relationship. (8 months)

[Am4Real]

So my ex gf broke up with me a month ago. All I can get out of her was she wasn't happy and some reasons why. They didn't seem like such big deals. So of course I began doing those things she wanted cuz I loved her without her even trying on her end. Doing them apparently didn't do s***. I come to find out that she was talking to some guy from work, who she is now dating after 3 weeks of being broken up. So anything I did wasn't gonna help cuz it seems she had made up her mind to move on to someone else instead of work on our relationship. Dunno if this would be a case of G.I.G.S or not. She is 22 and it wasn't and extremely long relationship. (8 months)

 

You seem to have grasped the realities of your situation quite well.

 

I'm sorry for the loss and hurt.

 

All the best,

Am4Real

[brokenman16]

just came across this thread and im reading my own life here! 1st ever post - here goes:

 

Me - 25 Her - 27

 

LTR 6 1/2 years. Moved in after uni etc 8 months ago, got own place 3 months ago. No relationship problems really. Broke up for a few days over crimbo over stupid household chores etc. Sorted that out, all seemed well. Jan went well - no probs. Told that she loved me, still good sex life, passed some exams and she was so happy for me - in a couple kind of way. Mid Jan - decorating our house, buying some prints for the walls etc......

 

Then a few days later, wakes up beside me, says "I can't do this anymore". Totally blindsided. The 'reasons':

• she's too fatigued

• I haven't met her expectations

• loves but is not in love (though still fancies... Wtf)

• circumstances aren't right for us now

• Timing isn't right

 

Did all the begging, pleading, texting, letters etc doh! No avail. Both move out of the house. Within weeks she joins a dating site. Stupidly I confronted her.

 

V down atm. Was her b'day this week. Sent a card (nothing mushy mind). Been in NC/LC. Had some limited conv via fb. I've had an op so she asked about my recovery, me about her new job, flat etc Had good chat, until she mentioned that I can use my crutches to pull women! V insensitive given she knows how I feel! Stupidly I said i wasn't interested in anyone else. End of conv!

 

Today, I messaged her about a final bill and had a fairly civil chat. Asked if she fancied grabbing a coffee for a quick catch up. She said no. That she wasn't at a stage where she could stage where she could be my friend! She dumped me!

 

Is this a case of GIGS? How can she, who loved me that much not want contact with me? Its not like I've done anything wrong. I don't honesty get what's happened in the last 2 months at all and how someone can behave this way.

 

Worst of all, she knows how I feel, I have no power here and she is just a cold ice-queen.... And yet id still want to be back together (sigh).

[brokenman16]

Hmm she certainly wasn't bothered about marriage and if there was someone else I don't think she would have joined an online dating site. If anything, it might be things were just too comfortable. In regards to loss of feelings it is the only logical explanation. But if that's the case I don't know why she would push us to move to somewhere new, buy loads of furniture and household things and then just turn around within weeks and end it. Truely odd behaviour really. 7 year itch is the only thing I can think of.

[Pisces13]

Wow, I've been browsing these forums for around a week or so now, I always saw this post pinned at the top of the forum, but never read it until now. I'm glad that I finally did, as this sounds exactly like the breakup I'm currently going through with my ex.

[Rainy1030]

I think I have a GIGS situation here, coupled with a hefty infatuation. My ex left me after 4 years for a girl he dated when he was 14. She moved away and they never really wanted to break up. He had a one night fling with her before we were together while she was married, but beyond that hadn't really talked for years. After we were together, she started talking to him (she was going through a divorce) and they had a long distance/emotional affair. He stopped but I felt like there were still feelings. For the next 2 years he contacted her rarely, just friendly stuff, and then had yet another long distance affair with her, this time while she was splitting up with hubby number 2. He cut it off on his own and I found out after the fact.

 

I offered multiple times for him to go be with her and figure things out but he refused and denied still having feelings for her. After we moved a lot closer to her, he started to talk to her again and made the decision to go see her. After that, he split up with me (they had spent 3 days together) and moved in with her. That's where we're at. He still says he loves me too, but he loves her as well, and he doesn't know what he wants. I've been trying to be supportive, but now I'm trying to do NC because its just causing me more pain. I'm a very reasonable person, I know he was depressed before he left, I know he is still depressed, and I know he felt like crap over the whole thing, I understand that he needed to figure his stuff out and the depression just finally pushed him over the edge, I just wish he could've taken my offers to figure it out before.

 

Anyway, they are both cheaters, they have nothing in common really, and his descriptions of his feelings and his lack of acknowledging ANYTHING negative with her tells me he's headlong into the hormonal high one sometimes gets-esp since he seems to have had this fantasy love life with her for so long (I've seen their convos with the affairs, VERY fantasy filled and lovey dovey, nothing reality based at all). I've bowed out now and I'm just trying to heal, but I do hope they split up, if nothing else than so he's back up here again for our daughter. I don't want to be with him again, unless some serious changes happened on his own. We had a wonderful relationship besides this single issue, but he's a wreck right now and I don't want whoever he is now.

 

With the depression and his still not really knowing what he wants and feeling conflicted, I do wonder if once he figures things out, if he'll become more "himself" again. But for now, I'm trying to forget him and move on and I'm hoping going mostly no contact will help. I still have to deal with him sometimes, but not too often. I've been told I;ve handled this all extremely well and I hope I can continue to heal from the heartache and move on!

[R.C]

So, i wanted to share my experience. I had been dating my ex for 2 years, i am a third year varsity student. We met during first year. She was an extremely sweet girl, by far the best gf i have ever had. But at first i took her for granted, took me about 6 months before i settled down and actually committed to her. I would go out, spend more time with my friends, told her im not ready for exclusivity, would kiss other girls at clubs etc. But she had a family crisis around the 6 month mark, so i had to choose her, or my wild lifestyle. So i chose her. Everything was perfect, and the more i spent time with her, the more i realized meaningless hookups are so over-rated. But i needed to experience that, in order to fully appreciate her.

 

I had G.I.G.S, I thought partying, and being with other girls was worth more than committing to her. But all that changed, but someone has to go through a "wild" phase, BEFORE you can ever fully appreciate someone. 6 months ago, our roles reversed, she began wanting to go out more with friends, she kissed another guy and told me, we broke up for awhile, i went NC, she told me she made a mistake, next three months were amazing, but she slowly started spending more and more time a part, broke up with me, telling me she needs her independence, but still is madly in love with me. I told her i accept her decision, then she suddenly changed her tune, and told me she doesnt want to lose me, but a week later, she sent me a long message explaining she is not ready for commitment yet. I was her first real relationship, i was her first sexual partner. So it hurts me obviously, but now she is experiencing G.I.G.S and in order to fully appreciate what we had, she needs to experience hooking up, clubbing and spending time with her friends. When she comes back to me, im not sure what i plan to do yet... I love her a lot, and we are highly compatible, just depends if she has gotten the partying and experimenting over with i suppose... Hope my experience can help some others...

[crederer]

Holy hell this is pretty much exactly what happened to me. She couldn't give an answer. She was crying so hard while she was breaking up with me and she rarely ever cries. She said "I feel like I'm making a huge mistake, but I need to do it". Why do you feel you have to do it if it is this difficult for you?

 

The thing that keeps going through my mind is, Why? I'd prefer if she cheated so it'd be easier just to say "good riddance" but I love her so much.

 

She's depressed as well, so this was the basic reason she gave me. She needed time to find herself, blah blah. Not going to see anyone else, and in time, if she get's her head right, we may get back together. I think this might be some sort of self sabotage. It stemmed around the time we started looking for apartments together as well, which ties into what the OP stated.

 

I have reason to believe she may be seeing an ex (married man 20 years her senior) which is a slap in the face, but I don't have confirmation on that, so it may just be me over thinking things.

[Pisces13]

Why do you feel you have to do it if it is this difficult for you?

 

That is the worst thing about a G.I.G.S. break up, and is why it is so hard to get over as a dumpee.

 

In my opinion, when you break up with someone, it shouldn't be a difficult decision. When I broke up with my first girlfriend (we were together for 3 years) I didn't feel overly bad about it, I knew it was the right decision for me to make, and I didn't regret it. I'm a very emotional sort of person too, so it's not like I was cold and emotionally void towards her, it's just that I knew it was the right decision to make. I did start to miss her after maybe 3-4 months, but I just kept thinking about the reasons why I chose to break up with her (she didn't treat me overly well) and that stopped me from going back to her.

[HateThisLimbo]

Soooooo....I didn't read all 800+ replies so maybe someone else asked this question too. The original post said that the dumper usually isn't strong enough to completely break up with the dumpee so the dumpee usually gets fed up, tired of waiting, moves on, etc. When the dumper finally pushes the dumpee into being the bad guy and breaking up, WHAT DOES THE DUMPEE SAY when all along he or she has said that he or she would be patient, give time and space, etc? I can so see this playing out in my scenario. He will twist it so that I didn't stick to my end of the deal. But I'm not waiting around forever...he's on limited time...very limited time.

[R.C]

@Brokenman, you need to give her space. Take it from someone who has been on both sides. If someone i ran to me whenever i needed them, or still made it clear to me that they are interested in me, i would have no reason to go back. What you need to do is establish a fear of loss in her. Stop contacting her, find hobbies, go out with friends, and post a ton of pictures of you having fun! If and when she contacts you, be short and indifferent. Wait about a month. And then and only then, call her, ask her how everything is going, if she is very receptive, tell her to go have coffee with you. DONT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE BREAKUP. During the meet up, make sure you touch her face for some reason, like wiping something off her face, or cleaning her nose. Makes her subconsciously think that you 2 are still lovers. Also during your meet, be the first one to go. after 30 minutes, pretend you have somewhere urgent you have to be, and then call her again after a week, and repeat the process. I wish you luck, im currently going no contact with my ex, its a week and a half now, although its bloody tough, as i see her everyday, but i try and be as scarce as possible.

[eachcomingnight]

11 days NC and struggling tremendously. Have had some "up" moments and even a decent day that suggested to me that this is not the end of the world.

But what is really making this hard is the fact that things were so great between us for the overwhelming majority of the relationship. He couldn't deal with the "path" we were on (the best I can make it out is that in his head, me moving to him would then progress into living together and then marriage and then forever)... as he was breaking up with me he used all the lines... "it would be easier if I didn't have such intense feelings for you" (of course it would...) "i really hope i'm doing the right thing"... "my biggest fear is losing you forever"... at one point he even sounded like he wanted me to talk him out of it ("Where do you see this logically going?") ("What if...")

 

But I knew that I had already lost him and although I calmly refuted most of his points I did so just to make a point rather than to argue for his love.

 

What's killing me right now is the "what if's". I KNOW that I need to let go of them or I will not be able to heal. I just wish I knew that he would tell me if he changed his mind. I know that everyone says "they'll come back to you if it was meant to be," etc. etc. but honestly I feel like he is the kind of guy who would suck it up and respect my wish to stay NC in order to let me heal. In other words, even if he realized that he screwed up majorly, I think he would suffer in silence.

 

So much of the advice on here reminds us to focus on the fact that our ex was not the "right' person for us and that someone better will come along. This is so difficult for me to accept as we had such a loving and understanding relationship up to the point in time where he started freaking out about the future. I don't think that I could have been a better girlfriend to be honest, I was pretty awesome to him and he knows this. My only mistake was assuming that he felt the same way that I did about our future. But he made it easy to believe that, and he could have spoken up and shared whatever fears he had earlier.

 

God, I really adore him so much. This is so painful.

[number122]

Well, here's my story. We broke up 2 weeks ago.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/385772-ex-wrote-e-mail-after-bu-need#post4789959

 

Maybe it was GIGS? Or just simply because LDR and LTR? Or maybe because she's selfish and young? I'll never know. Actually it would hurt more if she had GIGS syndrome. Nevertheless maybe I dodged a bullet, but it still hurts bad.

[garand]

my ex and I dated for 8 mos she moved her new bf in 2 days after she dumped me (she has been 1 yr divorced hes been 5 mos divorced) they got married in march !she has 2 kids he doesn't Im heartbroken we live close so I see them..... painful