"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[reddragon588]

My girlfriend of three years broke up with me last month and it is definitely the Grass is Greener Syndrome that is talked about here. It is a bit of a relief to see this topic and know that this is something that is experienced in a lot of relationships.

 

I have been struggling very hard with this breakup. I made my share of mistakes in the relationship, but I loved her more than anything. I certainly believed she was the one. I started going to a therapist about 4 weeks ago, and that has helped a lot.

 

She wanted to continue being friends after. This was hard for me because it left me with the fantasy of maybe someday us getting back together. We also had several plans we had made together before breaking up, including going to a concert next month. I spoke with my therapist about this, and she said I needed to tell my ex about how I still had feelings for her, how she had made me feel, and listen to what she said.

 

My ex texted me Thursday about going to the concert. I called her on the phone and told her that I still loved her, and that I didn't think I would be able to see her as a friend, ever. She told me she didn't love me that way anymore, and some other things that made it clear to me that it was over (including that she thought she hadn't done anything to contribute to the relationship failing - lol). After hearing this, I knew I had no choice but to tell her we could not be friends anymore, and that we shouldn't contact each other anymore moving forward. I said as long as we were friends, I would never be able to move on. She said that it was hard for her because she still wants me in her life, to which I replied if she wanted me in her life, she shouldn't have broken up with me. She clearly didn't like that I was telling her that we couldn't be friends, but at least she said she wanted to respect my feelings. I don't think she understands what she did, or why I did what I did. I told her that this doesn't mean that I hate her or don't value what we once had, and that we are still ending on a good note, but we just can't be friends. I don't think she understood this.

 

I'm starting to have some seller's remorse, and I have those feelings that maybe I should have tried to be friends with her. But I realize, as long as I'm working to try to be friends with her, I can't move on with my own life. I feel better than I have since we broke up, but I'm still hurting a lot. And I'm wondering if maybe I made the wrong decision telling her we can't be friends anymore. We did have a great relationship, and we did have a great friendship within that relationship. But as I've said, I couldn't move on without ending this. I'm hurting and I wish it wasn't like this, but it is time for me to move on. I think I made the right decision, but I'm sitting here today and wondering if maybe I didn't. I've been obsessively checking her Facebook and Instagram today and forecasting/projecting onto what I see there about her recent activities. I am very confused about what to do here.

[ktcp2]

Hi guys! I'm new to this so I'm sorry in advance if I am not using this correctly. I wanted to ask some of you about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome". This is the first time I have heard of it. Does this syndrome apply to my situation? Here is my story.

 

I met him in the summer of 2011, and it was an instant connection. We had wonderful times together and I was the happiest I had ever been. He was wonderful to me, more wonderful than any other man I have ever been with. He seemed genuine with his feelings for me as well. He initiated conversations about marriage, babies, and even me moving to be with him (we lived about 2 hours away from each other and only saw each other on the weekends). Everything was fine between us and then out of nowhere with no indication, he was distant and cold with me. He said he didn't know if he could do this anymore and didn't know if it was going to work out between us. I couldn't wrap my mind around what had just happened. I was shocked and confused. He said he loved me and that it was the distance. Something in my gut, told me that wasn't it so I asked if there was another girl. There was. A girl he had started talking to at the gym I was devastated to say the least but learning from my past relationship, I let him go. I found out he started dating that girl only weeks after our breakup. I let him be. I never once initiated contact with him. At first, he continued to text me...weekly, then biweekly, then monthly. I would respond but was very short with him. After 5 months, I needed to contact him regarding my car. He responded to me regarding the car and then to my surprise he asked me to lunch. At this point, him and his girlfriend had broken up (although he never knew I knew about his relationship). We met for lunch and discussed everything. He apologized and let me know he made the biggest mistake by letting me go. We got back together. I gave him another chance, and he seemed to have proved he had changed and really wanted to be with me and have a future with me. We even had plans of me moving there (applied for jobs and looked for houses, all of which were his idea.) We spent last weekend together and it couldn't have been more perfect. I came home Monday morning with his usual i love you texts and how he had such a wonderful weekend with me. Tuesday morning he dropped the bomb about his feelings of fear about me moving there, us going to fast, and he didn't know if he was ready for a serious relationship. Again I was devastated. Of course, I asked again if there was another girl, and he swore up and down, there wasn't. He continued to tell me he loved me and went back and forth with us staying together. For 2 days, i struggled to understand where it was coming from again. I asked one more time, if there was another girl and he finally confessed. A girl from his past had contacted him 2 weeks ago. He still continues to say that she has nothing to do with why he wants the relationship to end. So here I am once again, I let him go. I've made no contact with him and will let him be. Anyways, he came back once and then did it again, does the syndrome apply to this situation?

 

Thanks for any help you can provide and thanks for listening.

 

ktcp2

[reddragon588]

ktcp2, to me (as a male) it sounds like your ex has commitment issues that are exacerbated by the long distance relationship. He has essentially cheated on you twice. That is unacceptable and he clearly is not giving you the attention and commitment you deserve.

[ktcp2]

ktcp2, to me (as a male) it sounds like your ex has commitment issues that are exacerbated by the long distance relationship. He has essentially cheated on you twice. That is unacceptable and he clearly is not giving you the attention and commitment you deserve.

You are right reddragon588. I only found out recently too, that he has left all his other exes for another girl and have gone back to them. He definitely has commitment issues! I had just read the article about the syndrome and had never heard of it. I just wondered if it applied to him. Thank you.

[ktcp2]

My girlfriend of three years broke up with me last month and it is definitely the Grass is Greener Syndrome that is talked about here. It is a bit of a relief to see this topic and know that this is something that is experienced in a lot of relationships.

 

I have been struggling very hard with this breakup. I made my share of mistakes in the relationship, but I loved her more than anything. I certainly believed she was the one. I started going to a therapist about 4 weeks ago, and that has helped a lot.

 

She wanted to continue being friends after. This was hard for me because it left me with the fantasy of maybe someday us getting back together. We also had several plans we had made together before breaking up, including going to a concert next month. I spoke with my therapist about this, and she said I needed to tell my ex about how I still had feelings for her, how she had made me feel, and listen to what she said.

 

My ex texted me Thursday about going to the concert. I called her on the phone and told her that I still loved her, and that I didn't think I would be able to see her as a friend, ever. She told me she didn't love me that way anymore, and some other things that made it clear to me that it was over (including that she thought she hadn't done anything to contribute to the relationship failing - lol). After hearing this, I knew I had no choice but to tell her we could not be friends anymore, and that we shouldn't contact each other anymore moving forward. I said as long as we were friends, I would never be able to move on. She said that it was hard for her because she still wants me in her life, to which I replied if she wanted me in her life, she shouldn't have broken up with me. She clearly didn't like that I was telling her that we couldn't be friends, but at least she said she wanted to respect my feelings. I don't think she understands what she did, or why I did what I did. I told her that this doesn't mean that I hate her or don't value what we once had, and that we are still ending on a good note, but we just can't be friends. I don't think she understood this.

 

I'm starting to have some seller's remorse, and I have those feelings that maybe I should have tried to be friends with her. But I realize, as long as I'm working to try to be friends with her, I can't move on with my own life. I feel better than I have since we broke up, but I'm still hurting a lot. And I'm wondering if maybe I made the wrong decision telling her we can't be friends anymore. We did have a great relationship, and we did have a great friendship within that relationship. But as I've said, I couldn't move on without ending this. I'm hurting and I wish it wasn't like this, but it is time for me to move on. I think I made the right decision, but I'm sitting here today and wondering if maybe I didn't. I've been obsessively checking her Facebook and Instagram today and forecasting/projecting onto what I see there about her recent activities. I am very confused about what to do here.

You made the right decision. It is best not to be friends with her and to have no contact with her. You will never be able to heal until then. I understand it's hard but it will get easier. The next thing I'm going to say is to stop checking her Facebook and Instagram. It only hurts more and keeps you from getting better (this is hard, i know, because I've been doing the same).

[reddragon588]

You are right reddragon588. I only found out recently too, that he has left all his other exes for another girl and have gone back to them. He definitely has commitment issues! I had just read the article about the syndrome and had never heard of it. I just wondered if it applied to him. Thank you.

 

I do not see it as GIGS. In my case, she was acting like the same loving and caring girlfriend I'd always had all the way up to the day we broke up. Then it just kind of came out of nowhere. I don't love you the same way anymore, I feel that you haven't loved me as much as you can, relationships aren't meant to last forever, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm so young and you're not supposed to just stay with the first person you meet, I need to be single to experience what it's like, etc. Those are the things that I heard, and I've read about those same statements in here.

 

Your case definitely seems to be a classic case of a guy with commitment issues and a penchant for cheating. He does not seem to be worthy of you. I know how hard it is to give up someone you love (I'm struggling hard with it right now too!), even when faced with the worst qualities of them, but I think this is not someone you should be spending time on. Even if you were to get back together, there is no reason to believe he wouldn't do the same thing again. And it will only hurt even more the next time.

[ktcp2]

Reddragon588: It was a sudden change of heart for him again (he did this same exact thing to me the first time around). He, as well acted the same loving person until the very end. He continued to tell me he loved me and he was still in love with me. He said he was scared about our future. Then after finally confessing about the girl, he said that it has nothing to do with the girl. The fact that he wanted to talk to her made him question his feelings for me.

 

Everyone says that this time should be easier than the first because I've already been through it with him. This time I can walk away knowing exactly what kind of person he is without a doubt. It is still very hard. It's making me crazy. I start blaming myself and wishing he would call/text/come back, even though I know all the facts. I'm just so tired and don't know if I can go through this again.

[reddragon588]

Reddragon588: It was a sudden change of heart for him again (he did this same exact thing to me the first time around). He, as well acted the same loving person until the very end. He continued to tell me he loved me and he was still in love with me. He said he was scared about our future. Then after finally confessing about the girl, he said that it has nothing to do with the girl. The fact that he wanted to talk to her made him question his feelings for me.

 

Everyone says that this time should be easier than the first because I've already been through it with him. This time I can walk away knowing exactly what kind of person he is without a doubt. It is still very hard. It's making me crazy. I start blaming myself and wishing he would call/text/come back, even though I know all the facts. I'm just so tired and don't know if I can go through this again.

 

In my opinion, it is harder the second time. My ex and I had a break last year for a couple months. It is much harder this time, because I let myself fall even further in love with her. Breaking up and getting back together lets you fall in love even more, and gives you more false hopes that maybe this is meant to be forever. I think it hurts more the longer you've been with them.

[Lifesatwister]

Thanks so much for sharing this information. My ex and I broke up this past spring after dating 7 years with an on-and-off engagement the 7th year. Much of what you list describes him. Up until we got engaged, everything was fine. The impending wedding threw him into a anxious, musing, person who started to act crazy. He was and still is, suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. Thank God I'm no longer a part of his inconsistent feelings towards me. No one should have to deal with someone who can't decide if they want to be with them.

 

The most hurtful thing he did was go behind my back to ask out a coworker of his who refused him - ha. This was during a month or so no contact time - we were still technically dating so I see this as cheating. He admitted he thought she could be the one and that after dating me for so long, he wished we had met later in life so that he could appreciate me. He took me for granted hard core. However, he was confused himself because he knew he loved me, but felt it must not be enough since he couldn't feel completely into getting married. He was inwardly struggling to find himself and figure out if I was the one, or how to find the one without hurting me - but being devious and underhanded was not the way to handle the situation. The fact that he couldn't just be straightforward about it, and just break up and not be a coward makes me think that even if he comes back, he will still have these selfish, underhanded tendencies.

 

He just contacted me through facebook message after two and a half months of being broken up to wish me happy birthday and to ask how I was "holding up". Seriously? Does he understand that this isn't the best thing to ask? Is he that dumb? I don't think he can fathom the hurt he has caused me. Either I won't answer, or I'll say something short like, "Thanks for the birthday wish and concern. I'm doing well considering the circumstances. I hope you are doing well." - Is this even too long? I'll wait a couple days to respond if I do. I hope it shows I'm moving on and don't expect him to answer the reply. I'll admit, a part of my heart will always love him (or who I thought he was), my first love. I have a wish tucked away that he will come back after realizing his mistakes and becoming a better person. I just feel like that's unrealistic though. Isn't it?

 

If he eventually comes back I pray I will have found someone so much better than him that the choice is an easy one to make. The only way I would possibly think about getting back together is if at least a year passed, I haven't found anyone better, and he shows me without a doubt he has changed into a mature person who knows he loves and wants me no matter what. Honestly, I don't see this happening. He hurt me so much in multiple ways, mostly by his disloyalty, and breaking of trust. How on Earth could he be the right person for me? Time will tell, right?

[Lifesatwister]

In my opinion, it is harder the second time. My ex and I had a break last year for a couple months. It is much harder this time, because I let myself fall even further in love with her. Breaking up and getting back together lets you fall in love even more, and gives you more false hopes that maybe this is meant to be forever. I think it hurts more the longer you've been with them.

 

Reddragon588: For me, I had been through so much hurt (a year's worth) that the second time I felt like I could tolerate breaking up. The first time, I tried to keep us together no matter what. Yes, I also loved him more in some ways so it just seemed like such a shame and such a waste, but it also made me see the cycle. The cycle can only be broken if you step away and let him or her get thrown around by life a bit. I had dated my ex 7 years and the 7th year was a back-and-forth engagement...you could say a lot was invested - much of my life, and all of my dreams.

 

Wow, the back and forth roller-coaster. It all started after we got engaged. He kept putting off planning and saying the wedding was so far away. It got worse from there. I just got off of a year roller coaster 2 and a half months ago for good...unless he comes back and wants only me and drastically changes in a year or more...but is that realistic? Anyways, I also had a similar situation. My ex fiance and I did two months of no contact, and then started dating again and working on things. Everything seems fine until one blow up moment. The first blow up moment was horrible. He contrived a bunch of reasons why our relationship wasn't working, but he had allowed himself to pursue another girl I found out about later. He just didn't know if I was the one because he thought the girl could be the one - the girl turned down his offer to date him by the way and this offer was made during a couple months of no contact when we were still dating.

 

Anyway, back and forth, back and forth. I feel sorry for him. His mind's a mess. He had at least two online dating profiles I found out about and he seemed to be grasping at anything - not looking for a real, solid relationship, while desperately trying to figure out how to find "the one". I firmly believe he must throw himself out into the real world to have lots of let downs, to get his ego torn up, and to get his heart broken. I know I'm the only one who comes close to his unrealistically high expectations. He will never be happy or be able to settle down unless he figures himself out.

 

It really stinks when you fall in love with someone like this. I just deserve a guy who knows I'm the one and would do anything to make me happy. I know friends with fiances and husbands like this - I'm going to find one. If my ex becomes this person somehow and finds his way back to me despite the very small odds, great. If not, I'll find the one who dreams of someone like me There's someone who wants a person exactly like you. Go get them!

[Lifesatwister]

ktcp2: It is very, very hard. You can read about my situation on my posts...I dated my ex fiance for 7 years and he started going crazy (grass is greener syndrome) after our engagement at the end of year 6.

 

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do - let go of my first and only love because he couldn't decide if he loved me enough to marry me or not. I just reached a point where I was fed up of being there for him without him meeting my needs. What you typed sounds just like what happened to me and the coworker he ended up asking to date him while we were engaged. Yes, it is still hard although you at least know though you have to break up. I reached a point where I said I couldn't keep dating him with him being so unsure. At the end, I just had to take care of myself. However, a year before that when all the problems started after we got engaged, there was no way I could have let go at all. I begged him to stay and held on with all my might. I turned into someone I'm not. It just takes everybody a different amount of time and amount of tries to figure out it just won't work. If it does work out some day, it will be at least a year or longer after he figures himself out and that he let the best thing in his life go. He has to screw up in the world without you as painful as it is.

 

Never blame yourself, ever. It's not your fault. He has a mental/emotional disability. It's probably not permanent, but you don't want to be 80 years old and single because you spent all your love on a person who couldn't love you back the way you should be. After all I've been through, I don't wish he'd call or text me. I used to all the time. It's impossible to understand this intense desire if you've never been in that position. You'll feel like you don't want him to contact you too with time. I dread him contacting me because I don't want him back right now. I don't want him back unless he has figured himself out, has become a better person, and wants only me after I've had the opportunity to date other people and see what it's like to be treated like a valuable princess. Don't let it make you crazy. Believe me, I still have moments. But they are getting less frequent. My "moments" used to be so physically painful it was hard to breathe. I bet you know what I'm talking about.

 

It's okay to get tired. If you have to go through it again, do it, but figure out where your limit lies. I felt a slight sense of relief after breaking up. Yes, it still hurts and there's a lot of pain, but it has shifted for me enough for me to feel relief. I'm finally feeling stronger now on my own two feet - not completely strong, but better. Just take small steps and you'll be fine. Keeping up this kind of relationship is exhausting. People aren't meant to endure one-sided love. Here are a few tips: when you want to call or text him, call or text someone else. Write down all the things you don't like about him/the past relationship - look at it once a day as a motivator to find something better. Join pinterest and find awesome quotes that remind you how great you are and how you need someone to love you completely These things have helped me so much!

[Lifesatwister]

Ktcp2: Regarding your first post, that back and forth thing totally happened in my ex relationship too. After we got engaged, my fiance ended up asking another girl out at work. That didn't work out and he tried to explain it by saying he thought she might be "the one". I eventually with much pain and effort, forgave him, but he would work hard in the relationship to make it work and be very loving, and eventually freeze up and pull away or I would have to question him until he would reveal his doubts again. My story is so complicated that I don't even remember the order of events - I'm not kidding. So much drama and going back and forth because he felt lost in life, felt guilt, and felt like there could be something better. Deep down though, I know he knows I'm the only person who can possibly check most of the boxes on his impossible expectation list. He became more downright mean as he became more unsure, and started pointing out my "flaws" which were never a big deal at all in our relationship before. Oh my gosh, I didn't like all the same TV shows...seriously? I now see he was a very immature, self-centered brat who couldn't see how he emotionally hurt me. He was emotionally stunted, wishy-washy, and unsure. Ironically enough, he had a big ego and believed he was a very reasonable person. He was also very stubborn. It's amazing how much is revealed once the love-blinders shift. I'll always have a little part of my heart that belongs to who he used to be, but now I can finally see who he has become. He really went down hill. I doubt if he can ever gain my trust again if he tries to come back some day.

[ktcp2]

In my opinion, it is harder the second time. My ex and I had a break last year for a couple months. It is much harder this time, because I let myself fall even further in love with her. Breaking up and getting back together lets you fall in love even more, and gives you more false hopes that maybe this is meant to be forever. I think it hurts more the longer you've been with them.

 

 

Definitely so much harder this time. I gave him so much more and fell for him so much harder, believed him so much more. Thank you so much for listening!

[ktcp2]

Lifesatwister: Thank you so much for taking the time to read my experience and thank you for sharing yours. I know that I can never be with him again. It would never work out. But my heart isn't there yet. It still thinks about him and all the memories we shared. Thank you for all the tips. I know it'll just take time but right now it feels like forever especially when I can't sleep or focus on anything.

[Laurainthesky]

I am seriously in awe that I found this thread and this website.

I have been killing myself trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

 

I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 23. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, completely long distance. I haven't really experienced an actual relationship other than him, let alone a relationship face to face. He flies over to see me twice a year. He treats me like a princess, he is the sweetest man. He is my other half.

 

Our relationship started out very rocky. He was in love with me and I was off in Laura land. I carry so much guilt regarding our relationship, only worsened now by my constant need to leave lately. This has been ongoing for many months.

 

I haven't followed through on my G.I.G.S. I do struggle with mental issues so both of us attribute my upsets to depression. I believe many of them lately have stemmed from my urge to leave. I talked to him about it once, but I waivered and felt so terrified. I ended up crying to him, telling him I'm so sorry, I couldn't believe I would think of leaving. He was really scared. This post gives me more options than I have been giving myself. I have been going through so much pain with this.

 

I'm not sure that the pain involved in me leaving could even be measured. He has done so much for me and vice versa. He went off drugs when he met me, got a job. Talks about the future. Marriage, kids. He has become my life and vice versa. If I left...it is so hard to imagine life for both of us. I'm afraid he would...I'm afraid of what will happen to him. I know I can handle pain. I know I can handle being alone.

 

I feel more trapped then I ever have. I feel selfish and crazy. I just crave freedom so badly, I want to be independent, travel, go to school, heal myself. We are similar in many ways, normally that would be a positive thing in a relationship. But I am 18 and I'm trying to create the person that I am. I am trying to reach bigger, I have to use my potential. We are both insecure, I don't want to be. We are both under-educated, I don't want to be.

 

He would be an amazing father, but I feel like I'd be fast forwarding my life if I were to stay. If I was 30 maybe I would feel differently.

 

I am so hurt by my own feelings. This is not how it is supposed to be. Any opinions would be wonderful.

 

Thank you

[AmarilloSkies]

I am seriously in awe that I found this thread and this website.

I have been killing myself trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

 

I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 23. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, completely long distance. I haven't really experienced an actual relationship other than him, let alone a relationship face to face. He flies over to see me twice a year. He treats me like a princess, he is the sweetest man. He is my other half.

 

Our relationship started out very rocky. He was in love with me and I was off in Laura land. I carry so much guilt regarding our relationship, only worsened now by my constant need to leave lately. This has been ongoing for many months.

 

I haven't followed through on my G.I.G.S. I do struggle with mental issues so both of us attribute my upsets to depression. I believe many of them lately have stemmed from my urge to leave. I talked to him about it once, but I waivered and felt so terrified. I ended up crying to him, telling him I'm so sorry, I couldn't believe I would think of leaving. He was really scared. This post gives me more options than I have been giving myself. I have been going through so much pain with this.

 

I'm not sure that the pain involved in me leaving could even be measured. He has done so much for me and vice versa. He went off drugs when he met me, got a job. Talks about the future. Marriage, kids. He has become my life and vice versa. If I left...it is so hard to imagine life for both of us. I'm afraid he would...I'm afraid of what will happen to him. I know I can handle pain. I know I can handle being alone.

 

I feel more trapped then I ever have. I feel selfish and crazy. I just crave freedom so badly, I want to be independent, travel, go to school, heal myself. We are similar in many ways, normally that would be a positive thing in a relationship. But I am 18 and I'm trying to create the person that I am. I am trying to reach bigger, I have to use my potential. We are both insecure, I don't want to be. We are both under-educated, I don't want to be.

 

He would be an amazing father, but I feel like I'd be fast forwarding my life if I were to stay. If I was 30 maybe I would feel differently.

 

I am so hurt by my own feelings. This is not how it is supposed to be. Any opinions would be wonderful.

 

Thank you

 

I am in a very, very, very similar situation.

 

I would also love some advice or opinions.

[Baseball_26]

I enjoyed reading this post. The guy could easily make money for posting all of this helpful information so should out to him for taking the time to post for everyone.

 

Okay, Me and my ex dated for 2.5 years. We dated our senior years in high school and she went off to college and I was going to accept scholarships to play ball. I knew this was not going to end well but before you knew it I fell in love with the girl. Instead of me going off to play ball in college , I gave it up.. She told me not to do it, but you can tell when some one wants you to do something and not do something. Anyhow, she went off to college and I took classes at home before I eventually moved up there with her. We did not live together. I found my own place close to hear. She joined a sorority and thinking back now the warning signs were there and I ignored them, she began drinking a lot.. this is a girl that never touched a bottle or partied back when we were in high school, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because everyone likes to enjoy college. So the first school year went through fine, we had a blast , good memories. I eventually became un happy though, I missed the game and wondered what if ? So eventually I returned to the game at a local community college where she was attending school. Fall season went great, everything was fine and then everything became a routine.. come home from 6 hour practices after getting up at 8:00 a.m. its rough, anyone who has played college athletics will understand. She started complaining , a lot more.. She just was not very understanding.. how come my dream is not as important as hers? I never complained about her studying, how much time she spends on school.. but I could tell me being gone all the time was getting to her. and then she started going out more and more and more, and drinking every other night. Its clear now these were warning signs. I tried to compromise and do the best I could. We just started fighting, and then it became a routine. Come home from practice blahh.. blahh naggg. Then some days would be wooo yayyy .. Its like she had something going on with her. So spring break came along and of course I was playing ball, but our games got cancelled. She invited me to go with her and I decided to stay behind because we just had a long road trip and it was the first 3 days I had off in a while, not to mention coach threatened to run us if we went out of town.. weird right.. Well lets just say I did not hear from much of her after I told her that. She started posting pictures of her in a bikini hugging other guys and my parents saw it and got all upset therefore upsetting me and it became some huge mess. so she comes home and complains some more about how im unaffectionate and blah blah blah. and then she broke up with me, said she does not want a relationship right now. I did not beg alot, I had to much pride for that. So I went no contact, broke it after thirty days to check in with her, we texted and started arguing. a week later I decided I could not talk to her anymore, I texted her to wish her the best and no hard feelings, of course she goes off in a rant and says she holding a grudge against me, but I was like ok... you are the one that dumped me I think you have done enough. So I transfered to another school to play ball back home and she texted me the other morning telling me she saw a tweet from a friend about me leaving and told me to text her in fill her in. I ignored it. I love the girl, but she broke up with me randomly and tried to put all the heat on me. she could not give me many reasons why she broke up with me and they were different everytime I did ask. So for now Im not talking to her anymore. Unless she texts me and says " I made a mistake" she will not hear from me. I gave alot for our realationship to work and she bailed on me. I have just struggled with what I should do. Pursue her, or chase a child hood dream of mine and continue playing college baseball. I love her , but girls can always be replaced.

[Blu_crush]

I think the cliche should be changed to this: “The grass is only as green as we keep it.”

 

"The grass always starts out a nice and shiny green (‘honeymoon phase’), but will begin to wear a bit with use. Then, it still needs to be maintained in order to stay a nice shade of green. The dulled green (or even brown) grass on our current side of the fence would be greener if we nurture it. The shiny green grass on the other side of the fence is our wish for our internal selves — to be happy, unscathed, and fully satisfied."

 

I found this in a blog - and am going through a similar situation maybe the syndrome encompasses players?

 

I think this is a good analogy.. and I truly believe that life is about your choices.. love is a choice and how you make your bed is how you lay in it..regardless of the side of the fence..As John Lennon once said: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

Edited July 26, 2013 by Blu_crush
Adding a thought

[jenn78]

I think my ex may be suffering for GIGS or whatever you want to call it.

 

We broke up because he claimed he didn't get the inquisitive part in our conversations (basically i didn't ask him enough questions and connect with his friends as much as he wanted me to). He never let me know how much this bothered him. He says something in his gut is making him not want to "try again."

 

He says we aren't mean't to be but he still loves me and misses me and is very sad/miserable. He wants to go out and explore the world as a single person. He says this isn't ready to be in a relationship. He is 23. Part of me thinks he will regret it based on other things he's said to me (ex. what if I come back in a year and you aren't here). I know things won't change in a month or two but I kinda think in a 6 months or sometime in the future he will realize he made a mistake. Maybe I am hanging onto false hope.. can anyone else relate? Maybe time will make me let go of the hope that he will come back to me.

[Frog Princess]

I went through this exact same thing in my last relationship. Things were almost absolutely perfect and drama free between us then BOOM, G.I.G.S. hit. I made all of the classic mistakes mentioned in the post; however, the dumper wanted to hang around. Eventually we started working toward being back in a relationship (something I did not force believe it or not) and he pulled another smooth move. Right now we are in the NC phase of things.

 

Part of the issue is that the person suffering from G.I.G.S. does not always want to let go. They will sometimes continue to lead the other person on, sleep with them, etc... When you are emotionally invested in a person, common sense tends to escape you. I completely agree with your statement above. I just wanted to add another reason why many dumpees become clingons.

 

And btw, I've been afflicted with G.I.G.S. a time or two myself.

 

For hilarious dating stories, articles and much more, visit Smooching Frogs.

[Frog Princess]

I think my ex may be suffering for GIGS or whatever you want to call it.

 

We broke up because he claimed he didn't get the inquisitive part in our conversations (basically i didn't ask him enough questions and connect with his friends as much as he wanted me to). He never let me know how much this bothered him. He says something in his gut is making him not want to "try again."

 

He says we aren't mean't to be but he still loves me and misses me and is very sad/miserable. He wants to go out and explore the world as a single person. He says this isn't ready to be in a relationship. He is 23. Part of me thinks he will regret it based on other things he's said to me (ex. what if I come back in a year and you aren't here). I know things won't change in a month or two but I kinda think in a 6 months or sometime in the future he will realize he made a mistake. Maybe I am hanging onto false hope.. can anyone else relate? Maybe time will make me let go of the hope that he will come back to me.

Jenn78

 

I'm experiencing something similar with my ex. My advice for you is to pick some positive activities that will keep your mind off of things. Is there something that you've been wanting to do but haven't found the time for it? Are there any local organizations you can join that align with your goals? Recently I started blogging and joined two professional networking groups. One of them has a kickball team. I can honestly say that it helps to take my mind off of things.

 

Smooching Frogs

[Virgil876]

I'm afraid I am in the same situation, my girlfriend has got GIGS.

 

We were together for 3.5 years, she is 23 and I am 10 years older than her, not long after valentines day this year (March 2013), she told me she felt different and is losing her love for me, I thought it was a temporary problem but looking back at it it was probably past the point of no return, she said she would try and get herself back on track and get her love for me back, so fast forward to July, she messaged me on facebook said that when she sees me next she needs "to talk" and I said it sounds important so why not say it now, so she blurted it out that she can't get her love back for me, saying that "It's not you, it's me" and so on.

 

I messaged her the next day saying we really need to talk about this first, then while we were talking about this, she said "I don't love you anymore" etc etc. Meanwhile I have found that she has been addicted to her online game again while she is saying that she isn't, playing from midnight till early hours in the morning (she doesn't work, she does try to make music and break into the music scene though) and then when she sees me she is so excited to tell me about the game while I am more worried about her situation where she is on the verge of broke while still not doing anything to improve her situation along with advancing her music.

 

And she just posted that she wants to sell some of her belongings to "travel overseas", while I thought it's out of her character, now I've come to realise that whenever she was with me and while she was addicted to that game, she would talk about this guy in England, to the point of talking to him on Skype while we were out in the shopping centre spending time together and taking photos for him to see what the shopping centres here are like.

 

I believe I lost her because of that.

[jenn78]

Yes I have been trying to do activities to keep me preoccupied but I've started missing him a lot more as time has gone by. I still hold onto the hope that he thinks he made a mistake... But so far he is sticking to his decision... Even though I know he misses me too.

[Luccinar]

Omg....I am just so relieved to have read this. I have gigs....except I so does my ex. I've been feeling crazy, hopeless and loss- we had a great relationship but something never felt right? We met at a really bad moment in our lives where we were off to grow up and find ourselves but instead we found each other and couldn't let go! We had a healthy relationship, we were sooo close. And then recently I just didn't know if I loved him or even felt like having sex! It was awful but I felt like he had gigs when we first met which had slowly worn off as he grew attached...where as it kind if trigger my gigs as I resented that he had felt that way, just could understand how he could of had gigs and was extremely hurt by it. Well so my gigs developed and I didn't realise at the time why (only starting to understand now) I felt like a monster, I didn't want to hurt him, cared about him so much, he's my best friend but was just unhappy, unsettled, started thinking about being single and how other men would treat me..which made me sick with guilt. Became angry at him, nice to him, flip flopping and feeling so trapped until eventually I ended it, he fought for it for only a couple days we cried so hard together in each others arms, knowing the problem wasn't solved. It was AWFUL!! Now he's gone and I NC he's stubborn and so am I, thank god maybe the NC would one day save us? Part of me knows if he fought for me I would be put off but the other part of me craves for it but it's clear I pushed him away and initiated the break up...although I just know he was suffering from gigs too but hiding it better, more willing to ride it out if that makes sense? This is the most pain ever. Not only am I the dumper but feel like the dumpee....I don't know who dumped who!! It was a mutual gigs that broke both our hearts and now I'm miserable and alone but not ready to go back to him because I still have gigs and I know he's still suffering from the gigs himself and needs his own space too! But I must say I feel so much better after reading the info on here. It literally was driving me insane I just had no idea why I was pushing him away and what the hell was going on!! I'm glad we both have gigs in a way because at least not one of us is suffering more then the other...but I know he's going through hell too :-(

 

A little bit about us- we both 20 and super open minded, he was sheltered growing up and has little life experience, he's desperate to learn, develop and grow. I'm finally financially free have had a lot of life experience and want to travel party and have fun. We are so not ready for a relationship, it's not even funny- gigs on both sides and now a lot of hurt on both sides too I resent him for not loving me enough to fight but know if he had I would've left anyway how does that work? And i wonder if he resents me? Did he trigger gigs in me? Or did we both just get it due to circumstance? I feel like he triggered it in me to be honest...he pushed me away very subtly and i noticed it subconsciously, became very unhappy and in return pushed him away. Hmm i really dont know...we both have been struggling to let each other go but needing to? We really both seem to have it and both be somewhat willing to accept it in each other. but im crying now thinking of him just leaving how he did...there was so much more in that action then he had communicated to me...im sure deep down, this must be what he wants. its hell not knowing!! All I know is I love him to death and I hope he finds what he needs and comes back to me eventually and I hope I'm ready for it when that sat comes. We had such a great relationship and I never ever want to hurt him. Thank you if anyone read that, I know it was a bit of a rant but I quite honestly had the first clarity since our break up a few days ago...relief...maybe not enough to let me sleep tonight, but enough to hopefully keep the anxiety away.

Edited August 7, 2013 by Luccinar
Remembered something

[Veera]

oujee, this is what my ex is going trough. Totally gigs. problem is, i want him back. we were together for 7 years and all of sudden he told me that our last year has has been bad. (yes, it was i have cancer, and it might have come back, but i don´t know yet. i was mess) now he is dating his work mate, started 1 month after our break up. she is 8 years younger than him. it has been 5 month now.

 

im on nc now. blew my first one. contacted him too early. after 2,5 weeks. but my problem is have so much doubt that i have lost him for good. I have not stalk him in anyway, but people just tell me how his doing, even if i don´t want to hear it. how his contacting her family and is friends with her brother now. its just that he has whole new family now. i have been crying every night now, and this is just breaking me. i love him so much and i want him back. i try ti stay active and meet people, but when i come to “our home” i just lose it.

 

any ideas what to do? should i just let them be?