"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[lylat333]

Just finished reading through almost every single post in this interesting thread (started yesterday). Here are my 2 cents:

 

I do feel some might be using GIG as a cop-out... the term can be taken very vague. Generally people break up because either 1) Someone cheated emotionally/physically, or 2) Someone doesn't feel this is the best relationship for them. (~aka, GIG)

 

More specifically, GIG should refer to a relationship where there really is no good reason for it to end, but one side feels compelled to anyway. I suffered from GIG and it wreaked havoc on my life. It brought an end to a relationship that lasted for 6 1/2 years, from the time I was 18-25. I knew I was in a good relationship... but here was the kind of analogy that influenced my thinking - say my relationship is great, it's like a steak dinner. Even if it's great and wonderful, do I want to have steak every night for the rest of my life or would I enjoy being able to finally experience other things? We were each others' first lover. I wasn't wise enough to realize what life would really be like if I brought and end to it all. I did, and I have felt plenty of times it may have been a grave mistake. Now I feel like an oddball... 27 male, healthy and successful and have only been intimate with 2 people.

 

My girlfriend pleaded with me, but I was unaffected. Sad but true. I have mixed feelings about NC... I'm not so sure that it's always the best thing. If the dumper is left to their own devices I think they will continue down the path they're on, chances are they're not going to just have an epiphany out of the blue and a sudden change of heart. They need voices and opinions outside their own that tell them what they are doing is a mistake so that communication can open up and a reconciliation can take place. With NC, sure the dumper may very well come to realize they made a mistake, but oftentimes it comes at a heavy price when it's too late. That said, if you are the dumpee and you don't feel the dumper is hearing you out, continued contact will only make things worse. Seems to be human nature to take advantage of any vulnerability being displayed by the dumpee, fuels the ego and self-justifications. Not to mention the toll it takes on your dignity. In my case, I didn't truly experience any ramifications from my GIG until my ex got into a new relationship. It totally blindsided me and I realized how much I took the liberty of having a relationship with her for granted. Hit me like a freight train the instant I saw the update on Facebook one night.

 

Right now, I am the dumpee. Going on 2 weeks of NC. I wanted to reconcile so bad with my ex and not long ago it seemed like she was on board with wanting to become a couple again but as soon as I tried to start working it out, she pulled away and now I have no idea what's going on. I thought she had been through enough life experiences by now to know what she wants, but now I fear something(s) have been taking place in recent past... her roommate is newly single again and immediately started pressuring her to get back out downtown. I have no idea when/if I will ever hear from my ex again, and right now I feel stuck. I'm starting to become resentful that she turned so fast and has left me out to suffer in silence, but here I am. I haven't let go of that little hope that maybe everything can still be OK, that it's not too late, that she'll see we had so much potential and get back in touch, but I doubt it will happen.

Edited August 9, 2013 by lylat333

[conf]

Someone could say that gigs is just an excuse for the dumpees which sometimes is true. But the fact is that there is a pattern.

 

The question is what we can say about the personality of a gigs victim? Namely,which is the cause of gigs? Imaturity? Insecurity? Perfectionism? Something else? This question is important because if it is not imaturity then it is obvious that reconciliation is a bad idea for the dumpee

 

Also i see in the pattern, that the gigs victims are usually the first who mention big commitments (such as move in/engagement/marriage). It's a little bit ironic. You give them what they want and then they move out :S Maybe this is the cause. They want what they dont have

[lylat333]

The question is what we can say about the personality of a gigs victim? Namely,which is the cause of gigs? Imaturity? Insecurity? Perfectionism? Something else? This question is important because if it is not imaturity then it is obvious that reconciliation is a bad idea for the dumpee

Well, when you end an otherwise good relationship for little to no reason, I would say that it is some combination of immaturity and other things. I am guilty of being a perfectionist, I always tell myself I don't want a good relationship, I want a great relationship. I think I've been overzealous at times.

 

Unless the dumpee is some sort of mind Jedi, there's always going to be some sort of effort at first to try and push hard for reconciliation even when it's so often counter-productive. Chances are it's going to be an uphill if not impossible battle, and not all dumpers will respond the same to reconciliation efforts. When I feel I suffered from GiG, my ex pretty much fell off the radar, she went NC and I really didn't know how she felt. If she would have contacted my friends to try and talk some sense into me, maybe that would have made a bigger impact. (though I started to try that recently as a fresh dumpee and it seemed to completely backfire and upset my ex) I was left living alone in my own little world and put the potential reconciliation on the backburner because I felt she was so available, which was wrong of me to do and very unfair for her. Sadly, not uncommon.

 

Also i see in the pattern, that the gigs victims are usually the first who mention big commitments (such as move in/engagement/marriage). It's a little bit ironic. You give them what they want and then they move out :S Maybe this is the cause. They want what they dont have

Yeah, we moved in together which is what we both thought we wanted and it's amazing how fast our relationship took a nosedive. This sounds silly, but to make a serious, monogamous relationship work both people have to truly have their heart in it and you have to keep each other on the same page. Once one or both people start to feel resentful... things won't just fix themselves. I wasn't ready. I was 23 when I bought my house, I had only been in that one serious relationship... now I'm 27 and have a much more sobered approach towards the idea of a serious relationship.

 

For LTR couples that are struggling... if you really want to salvage it I don't think there's anything wrong whatsoever with getting any help you can before calling it quits. If you love the person, I agree that breaking up should be a last resort, when you both understand that the relationship simply isn't going to work.

[Jbmouth91]

I suffered from this type of break up and I believe that we should NEVER EVER take them back. I know I'm not the best looking guy nor the perfect guy in terms of getting everything right in anything but I know that I gave everything for this girl and I made so many sacrifices and never tried to let her down. People have been so shocked by the amount of things I did and people even told her its hard to find a guy like that. BUT she chose to walk away from it all, she threw it away and that will be the path she will follow FOREVER! Why? Because we deserve someone who has their heart set on us and we should never come second best to ANYBODY! Especially when theyre out there ****ing other guys or dating other people! They know what theyre doing and really don't give a damn about us until their plan had gone t**s up! I'm going no contact with this girl FOREVER, blocked her and her friends on facebook, plus changing my number so that i never hear from her again. If she ever regrets things then she will have to just live with it as I was already there and she blew it! I deserve better and so do all of you! .... Don't get me wrong, I was devastated when she left me, made all the classic mistakes etc etc. but as time went by without any contact I soon realised all this and it was confirmed when I saw she's in a new relationship after clearly stating she wanted to be single, without the pressure of a relationship but then wanted to play the field and 'experience life'... 2 months after breaking up. I say bye bye

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I've done this before. I broke up with a girl that I was dating for 2 years. We had some minor issues. She was VERY pretty and sweet, but I was only 20.

 

I broke it off, realized that I had trouble getting girls, then tried to get her back. It didn't work and she was in a relationship about 5 months later. Then I moved on with my life, started talking to new girls. I got experience and became VERY good with girls.

 

Then, after about a year, she had her own GIGS. Her bf was talking about long term and she got scared. She also didn't like the way she was able to control him (I never stood for any of that) and tried to get back with me, while dating him. This actually went on for about 2 years on-and-off, but I had no interest in getting back with her.

 

Now, I'm 26 and haven't had an exclusive relationship since then. It was definitely a good idea because I know exactly what I want in a woman and, because I've gained so much experience from being single for so long, I know how to get it.

 

She's engaged to that same guy and put on A LOT of weight.

[blazerrr]

What do with a girl who is having GIGS, but already having second thoughts since I'm changed?

 

Well, we broke up a month ago, she went to rebound immediately. However, she still can't live without me, so she calls me like 1-2 times a week, we meet up. She is always blown away about my "new me". How long should I "seduce" her until she knows that she has lost something good?

 

Why I'm showing my good side to her is because I was never really GOOD to her in the relationship. I really want her to regret what she did.

 

My strategy is to get her back, but move on at the same time.

 

So, we have met occasionally in the past 2 weeks. She basically told me that I think we will be together very soon. I don't know if that's bluff or this is because I really put effort in getting her back without beeing needy/chasing, but just acting cool & mature.

 

If that not works I'll go into NC and never look back.

[DresdenKing]

Haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this has already been covered, but...

 

What do I do as the dumpee who DID give her the space, time and distance she requested after she comes back and breaks NC? Am I supposed to just welcome her back with open arms? Because I see that as a very beta male thing to do, letting her come and go as she pleases in the future.

 

I want her, and I love her, but I don't want it to be on her terms. Should I ignore her/cut her off (even though I don't want to and never once asked for that) when she comes crawling back and realizes the grass isn't greener?

[Jbmouth91]

Haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this has already been covered, but...

 

What do I do as the dumpee who DID give her the space, time and distance she requested after she comes back and breaks NC? Am I supposed to just welcome her back with open arms? Because I see that as a very beta male thing to do, letting her come and go as she pleases in the future.

 

I want her, and I love her, but I don't want it to be on her terms. Should I ignore her/cut her off (even though I don't want to and never once asked for that) when she comes crawling back and realizes the grass isn't greener?

 

Tell her you've moved on and found/looking for someone else. You should never wait for someone to return anyway as it does not help your healing.

[Jdogg577]

Hey everybody, I could really use some advice.

 

My girlfriend and I of almost two years recently broke up two weeks ago. We discussed getting back together a week ago and it seemed like it was going happen, but a few days back she wanted to break up on good terms.

 

Essentially, we've only really been with each other. She has another year left at college while I recently graduated. She thought our relationship wasn't really working in the last few months and thinks we could both really benefit from a break to grow and learn if this is really what we want in another person. I think this definitely has validity to it, in two weeks I have changed a lot, and learned a lot more about what she wants from me and what I want from me.

 

She cried and cried over whether or not she was making the right decision. She insists and I know she's being genuine that there isn't anybody else and that she really will use this time to reflect and that if this was really meant to be then we'll find each other again. But moving on has been hard. I told her that I can't move on if I still love her and if we are still friends. She understands but she insists that this isn't really goodbye but like a see you around.

 

The best thing I think for me to do is to sort of move on, heal, date other people and if I find in time that I still have feelings for her then maybe it was meant to be. But I'm scared of moving on in life without her and the thought of us dating other people is definitely hurting.

 

Anyone have any input?

[karpeezy]

My boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me last night, unexpectedly (so of course the first thing I do is come on LS lol).

 

We had an talk about 2 months ago, where I told him I knew what I wanted. He said he had been putting a lot of thought into our relationship, and would continue to do so.

 

After reading through much of this thread, it does seem like G.I.G.S is what he had minus one part ... He is 29, and has never been in love. I told him I loved him, and he said he was unable to say it back and didn't know if he'd ever be able to. He said his feelings towards me stalled about 2-3 months back and hadn't progressed at all, and when I asked him if I could do anything, he said no, and he'd really tried over the summer but his feelings were stuck and even though he liked me more than he's ever liked another girl, he didn't love me.

 

It was a typical "It's Not You, It's Me" and in this case.. I truly believe it is him. He doesn't know what he wants with his life, whereas I do. He needs time to figure himself out and just 'do him'.

 

I'm trying to make sense of this. We had a drama free relationship, and so much in common. I am in such shock, I really thought we would go the long haul.

 

He also pretty much nixed the idea of reconciliation, ever. When I asked him if he ever thought he would love me, he said he didn't think so. If he could see a future with me, he didn't think so. The fact that he was so FINAL about it, really kills me. But in the long run, I think will help me heal. For now though, I think it's time to be sad and cry and start the healing process.

[JimRiley]

If you were to take a step back and actually objectively look at the concept of GiGS, it's actually a pretty fascinating phenomenon. It's not specific to one sex but for some reason women are probably more emotionally tied to the idea I believe. Like it's a hardwired survival mechanism that springs into action once something pushes them to that point (unintentionally; obviously dependent on the person of course) because they are scared.

 

I also believe it has a lot to do with emotional maturity. My ex broke up with me because of GiGS almost to the T in July. Like if you read the OP and the symptoms in the OP I could have literally checked every single one off except for the rebound relationship part. She's not interested in that much it seems. Everything from "my feelings for you dropped, I don't know why/I don't know why but I feel like I need to be single and independent for a while etc." She judt goes out with friends and drinks so much more now JUST because. Then you read all the other stories and they're virtually the same thing over and over. It's actually amazing how prevalent it is. To me I think such a thing is worse for the dumper. It makes them flakey and if they can't truly grow or mature and find themselves on their own, they'll destructively never be able to have a proper relationship because eventually theyll start getting that itch again. Then the cycle repeats.

 

So I find it offensive that someone would consider it a 'cop out' when the dumpee calls GiGS on the dumper. Sure, everyone's different but under GiGS it seems like they're all virtually identical. I think we should continue to consider it a legitimate issue.

[DresdenKing]

It seems as though people who develop this syndrome are typically afraid of commitment and monogamy, which leads to feeling smothered and eventually losing the interest they once had in their partner because of it.

 

I was just dumped a week ago, not for the first time in life, and hindsight being as clear as it is I realize my Achilles heal is loving and falling too hard. Everyone needs to learn the fine art of straddling the incredibly thin line between expressing love/interest and exuding independence (this rule may be more exclusive to men?). Codependency and prioritizing my partner's needs before myself, as illogical as it may sound, has invariably led to my fall from grace 100% of the time.

 

I've vowed to never be a needy wimp again. Lesson learned.

[DresdenKing]

If you were to take a step back and actually objectively look at the concept of GiGS, it's actually a pretty fascinating phenomenon. It's not specific to one sex but for some reason women are probably more emotionally tied to the idea I believe. Like it's a hardwired survival mechanism that springs into action once something pushes them to that point (unintentionally; obviously dependent on the person of course) because they are scared.

 

This is just what I was thinking! It's usually the woman saying she loves you and could never leave you because you complete her, just a day or two before suddenly giving the cold shoulder and leaving. I think the general rule is that a woman is not attracted to a man who needs her more than she needs him. They value protection and security above all and from a biological standpoint, a man being too involved and needy repels them almost instantly because those qualities are associated with the inability to take care of himself, which subsequently means he can't take care of her.

[NvrLetUDown]

My ex broke up with me a month ago and I have been NC for a month now. After the breakup it was one phone call the next day and then NC. It was the first serious relationship for both of us (1.5 years) and she said she wanted to be single and have fun and that being in a committed relationship right now or any relationship was not a priority (were both 21). She works 7 days a week and after our break up has been going out drinking much more often with her friends. Seems like she is on course for GIGS? It's scary how the GIGs trend is so common and similar for alot of these stories on LS. Every now and then I have weak moments and really miss her, how do you guys cope ? And is it Just me or mornings are hard every now and then?

[DmxDex]

Looking back now my ex seems to fit this.

 

Dump me one month after my daughter was bor, we got back together 3 months later, we was around each other alot for our daughter. She ended it in march, saying she never felt the same love she did before the first breakup, and said i just anger her alot despite her blowing hot and cold for the last 2.5 years we got back together right up until the end.

 

She isnt really mature and got with another guy very quickly and is still with him she says its serious.

 

 

Just wonder if a reconciliation is on the cards.

 

When we split we didnt have much contact, i only contacted her about our daughter but she didnt make the effort which pissed me off seemed nice when she wanted something from me.

 

When i found out she had a new bf i called total no contact which was around a month ago. We go through her dad. I pick my daughter up from her dads.

 

She blamed me for alot of the issues claming i didnt do enough and didnt want marriage or try to move in which is rubbish, i think thats her own guilt and blaming me instead of her self.

 

Just wonder if i will get an apology for the way she treated me and wonder if this classes her in the grass is greener way?

 

Im 27 and she is 23 and we got together when i was 21 and she was 17.

 

I do have mental health problems i only got sorted out this year ADHD so it did strain us alot, so i was very impulsive to her alot because of the way she was and how angry and upset i was over stuff, but i still did alot for her and treated her well.

 

I was abit of a door mat.

Edited August 29, 2013 by DmxDex

[Cali408]

Haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this has already been covered, but...

 

What do I do as the dumpee who DID give her the space, time and distance she requested after she comes back and breaks NC? Am I supposed to just welcome her back with open arms? Because I see that as a very beta male thing to do, letting her come and go as she pleases in the future.

 

I want her, and I love her, but I don't want it to be on her terms. Should I ignore her/cut her off (even though I don't want to and never once asked for that) when she comes crawling back and realizes the grass isn't greener?

 

Move on. There is no such thing as a soulmate as I've learned. You are torturing yourself waiting. Love yourself and move on. It's a hopeless situation. If she comes back what makes you think she won't do it again/

[travelonic]

If she comes back what makes you think she won't do it again/

 

If she comes back, what makes you think she won't do it again? What makes you think she will do it again?

 

Unless you know about the habits of both people, and what changed for them both over the time they were broken up, it'd be kind of hard to be able to say for sure especially if you're looking in from the outside.

 

IMO, it depends - you always need to proceed with caution, but just because it happened once doesn't always mean it will happen again - it depends on the people, the circumstances of the relationship and breakup, AND the growth or lack thereof that occurred afterwards / if the two getting back together both recognize the issues and truly try to work on them.

[hurts2death]

guys take a look here i believe i am left and dumped for this gigs ****, i am devastated,,,,,,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420756-nothing-pains-much-nothing

[hurts2death]

guys i just thought of sth,,,,

 

 

if during the relationship we could put time and effort first for improving ourselfs wouldnt it be less possible for gigs to hit our partner?

[Sparkle304]

guys i just thought of sth,,,,

if during the relationship we could put time and effort first for improving ourselfs wouldnt it be less possible for gigs to hit our partner?

 

Hmm, nope. It is impossible to be everything that your partner wants. Sure it is great to improve yourself, but you do that for YOU, not your partner.

[hurts2death]

i remember my self before the crysis hit our economy i was just fast tornado in coupe mercedes always on the move for new things and all.... power boats ..... drinks everynight and on the move again,..... this now seems like a fast dream not only why i cant reach it anymore but cause is makes me feel emty... the hole point i was after was true care from my part and without knowing i was overtrying to impress her (she thought i was a movie star in the start) in order to get her care abot me,,, my ****ing lonely soul ..... i just FAILED totaly....

 

and each time i think of me and her(well a soul that cares) all i want is just to take a simple ****ing walk around the block and her hold my hand like i was somebody and like she really cared for my good manners and soul and ask none material things in return just my attention.....

 

 

i am like **** now in my heart........ how did i was trying to get sth with such a wrong way.... i guess i was in need of it so badly.... i should had been more cautius

 

 

i feel like i used my money in order to seduce her... and in start i seduced her so much i thought she was literally 100% an object of mine......so bad behavior of me trying to impress her and while though i was saying things like true love is two to try together if they start from scratch... i guess it wasnt in her mind though...i feel sad and bad and lonely ////........

Edited August 30, 2013 by hurts2death

[Joyvke]

Starting to think this is the case with my ex now as well, even though I didn't think this at first. He didn't wanted a relation anymore and a few days ago he said he doesn't know what he wants. Turns out he signed up to a dating site 2 weeks ago... I guess he just wanted a different "model'. I can only hope that he will see what he's been letting go *apart from my idiot crying mode when we broke up, I was a damn good girlfriend*.

[lastking]

@homebrew...Good Post!!! I just broke up with my girlfriend of 9 years. She is 25 and everything that you explained hits right on

[Freshstart17]

Hello everyone I would really appreciate your help and comments to help make sense of everything that is going on. This is my first post on here by the way.

 

I have read every post on this Gigs thread on I'm almost positive this is what I'm going through. I also feel my situation is a little different than everyone else's because I'm married and have 3 kids with her. She has chosen to separate from me, moved out and has her own place now. She recently told me that she is interested in another guy, but I'm almost positive she is dating this guy and has been for a little bit. She hit me with the I love you, but I'm not in love with you line and feels she missed out on a certain phase of life. She is willing to break up our family to do so. This woman has changed so much, it's not even funny. She has become very self absorbed and selfish and she has always been a very selfless person. Then she met these new friends, and they seem to show her a different life she never had and was willing to break up our family to pursue it. She goes out and parties all the time, drinks, does drugs now and host of other things. If you need more info on it, let me know.

 

My question to you guys is, how come this people with gigs just seem like all of sudden they don't give a crap about you anymore? Me and my wife were together for 10 years. Do they even miss you? Think about you?

 

What is the purpose of no contact besides healing? Seems as if no contact would make them forget you faster. The level of pain I feel is beyond words. The fact that I don't get to see my kids every night, pains me as well. I'm trying to make sense of it all. What happen to my wife?

[Freshstart17]

There is no explanation. It's just the way it is. You did not cause it and there was NOTHING you could have to done to prevent it either. Simply put, this was always going to happen no matter what.

 

People who have / going to have G.I.G.S. are just ticking time-bombs are waiting to blow up.

 

 

 

Sure they think about you but miss you, no. Everything you represent (commitment / marriage / kids / etc.) is the LAST THING ON EARTH they want.

 

 

 

Your wife has not forgotten you and she isn't going to all of a sudden change and want you, what you represent / offer.

 

In your case, you will not be able to do No Contact due to divorce / kids. However, if you think her thinking of you, missing you is going to get her back... you are not thinking incorrectly.

 

The person you once knew is GONE and if she ever does return to normal it would be YEARS from now. By then, you will have moved on and not want her back anyway if she was to return (which I doubt).

 

 

 

G.I.G.S. is what happened. A lot of people in the break up forum were dumped by an Ex who wanted to go "Sow their wild oats" but if you go look in the marriage / divorce forum you will see a TON of people in their 20s / early 30s who have the same thing happen to them as you have.

 

Let me guess, you married young, right?

 

Yes we were married young. I was with her since she was 17. I understand her need to I guess liberate and "find herself," I guess I thought she wouldn't break up the family to do it. Then act so cold towards me, like I don't even matter, when were each others best friend. It's shocking. She is being selfish.