"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[CptSaveAho]

i feel this is my situation. We are married (i'm 23, he is 21) for 10 months, together for 4 years. We just started college and he works full time and i told him not to take on too many classes. Long story short, i had to do his paper for him and then 2 days after that is when he all the sudden decided he doesn't want to be married, doesn't want to pay rent, and just literally walked out on me. But lied to me by saying he loves me he will be back and that everything was ok.

 

Took the car, money, and tried to take the dog by tricking me saying he will be back!!!!! Thank god i have a brain and said no. It has been 3 weeks now, how long does it take them to realize the grass isn't greener? If that is the case.

 

.....years.......

[Romaks]

Guys, please look at my thread and let me know if this has anything to do with GIGS.... so far it seems that it's exactly that.

 

My thread

[davidvilla]

Guys, I posted here a week or two ago. My ex has GIGS and we were about 3 weeks NC and 1 month since BU. I think I was sent my first breadcrumbs via email a few days ago saying "I hope you're well. xo". I waited a few days and replied with "I'm doing well I've had an busy few weeks. I hope you're well too". At that point I figured that this would be the end of the conversation (which is what I wanted it to be). A couple days later she sent another email saying "I hope by busy you mean everything is good. I am doing ok as well". I really don't know what was going through her head by sending that...It just seem like an empty communication. I don't plan on responding and I don't need her knowing whats going on with me right now. Any advice is appreciated. I'm assuming that more of these breadcrumbs will follow...has anyone had experience receiving more breadcrumbs after ignoring a few?

[Freshstart17]

Hello all, as I stated earlier my wife has full blown GIGS. I can't keep a strict no contact rule because we have kids together. My question is when I do have to talk to her or see her how she I act around her? The thought of me looking at her actually disgust me. She has done sooo many hurtful things. I'm unsure of how to act around her, because honestly I wish I could never talk to or see her again.

 

Lastly, I don't want her back. However, I'm struggling with what she did to me. I'm trying to get past the shock. It's tough to get past. Any suggestions to get past the shock would be appreciated, thanks guys!

[lauri]

Hello all, as I stated earlier my wife has full blown GIGS. I can't keep a strict no contact rule because we have kids together. My question is when I do have to talk to her or see her how she I act around her? The thought of me looking at her actually disgust me. She has done sooo many hurtful things. I'm unsure of how to act around her, because honestly I wish I could never talk to or see her again.

 

Lastly, I don't want her back. However, I'm struggling with what she did to me. I'm trying to get past the shock. It's tough to get past. Any suggestions to get past the shock would be appreciated, thanks guys!

 

I know man...I'm going through the same thing minus the marriage and kids (the shock). For myself, NC has worked extremely well to get over this situation. I think your situation is a lot more complicated due to the kids and what has happened. I would try to become civil with her in front of the kids and try to avoid seeing her / talking to her as much as possible to help with your healing process.

 

I have had some colleagues who's wives have done absolutely horrible things...things I could never forgive someone for doing, but they have had to find a way to battle through it for their children. I wish I knew the answer for you man but the only way this will get better is with time.

[hurts2death]

skid jesus that woman my friend....

[Romaks]

For those of you who was dumped by someone with G.I.G.S... Below is their mindset / mentality / attitude / take on things:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/427241-he-doesn-t-want-my-rebound

 

Christ, that's literally what I imagine my ex going through except for the fact that the guy she wanted to pursue just had a 3 year relationship end, and he wasn't exactly emotionally stable from what I gather.

[lauri]

For those of you who was dumped by someone with G.I.G.S... Below is their mindset / mentality / attitude / take on things:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/427241-he-doesn-t-want-my-rebound

 

*sigh...at least we see in the mind of that woman.

 

I think in the end its up to us as men to find a way to not let them lose interest and think the penalty of leaving us is far too great...I think my mistake with my ex is she felt she could get away with leaving me and potentially coming back if she changes her mind.

[lastking]

Great post!! Just going through this right now with my GF of 9 years. She just turned 26... We had what we both at the time considered to be a good/great relationship. We spent the all of this spring and summer looking for a house to buy and she put so much effort into it but just a few weeks before closing on the house, we broke up. We were together since she was 17 and for some reason she suddenly changed this year and the break up excuses dont make sense at all. I wish I had read this earlier cause the breakup didnt make sense to me at all. Anyways I moved on and ended up buying the house anyways. Its so suprising to see her posts on facebook about getting drunk (wasted ), going to clubs...things she didnt do before. She is getting bad influence from an older sister that broke up with her boyfriend. She is talking about quitting her job and moving to a different State. These are things that she wouldnt think about months ago

Edited September 25, 2013 by lastking
spelling

[hurts2death]

yeah i know its weird..these acts are bad and look bad..but for the dumpers with gigs is the holy ,,,,

 

hang in there you will make it,,, i am sure she will regret though

Great post!! Just going through this right now with my GF of 9 years. She just turned 26... We had what we both at the time considered to be a good/great relationship. We spent the all of this spring and summer looking for a house to buy and she put so much effort into it but just a few weeks before closing on the house, we broke up. We were together since she was 17 and for some reason she suddenly changed this year and the break up excuses dont make sense at all. I wish I had read this earlier cause the breakup didnt make sense to me at all. Anyways I moved on and ended up buying the house anyways. Its so suprising to see her posts on facebook about getting drunk (wasted ), going to clubs...things she didnt do before. She is getting bad influence from an older sister that broke up with her boyfriend. She is talking about quitting her job and moving to a different State. These are things that she wouldnt think about months ago

[Nancy87]

my fiance brokeup with me saying God doesnt want us together. How convincing is that?

 

He got a new job and moved to a different country.

 

possibly GIGS?

 

BUT it's been 4 months now n he did not contact!

[Mr Scorpio]

So, has anyone resolved a case of GIGS? Has anyone been able to quiet the GIGS voices?

 

Background: I spent years obsessing over my ex prior to dating her. I didn't date (or consider dating) anyone else. Once we finally began dating, the relationship was fantastic. Then GIGS started creeping up on me. It was caused by her desire for us to move in together. I became depressed over the idea of my social-life being strangled.

 

I didn't break-up with her, nor did my behavior change. However, I also didn't take solid steps to becoming "husband worthy" (i.e. -- still worked 2nd shift while she was working 1st, stayed up late playing Xbox, didn't seek out a career, etc). So, she left me after 7 months of living together. I spent months in regret.

 

Then, two years later, she came back around. She made it apparent that she wanted us to get back together (or so she thought). Whereas I would have thought I'd learned my lesson, that was not the case. I still didn't care for the idea of spending all of my weekends with her. I didn't like the idea of being accountable to her in terms of where/when I went and how I spent my $. In the end, the come-back was a knee-jerk reaction on her part, and we went our seperate ways.

 

Now, I find myself inhibited with doubt. I've been single for a long-time, and finding a new-partner would likely prove difficult for me. However, beyond that, I can't resolve my GIGS. I'm reaching the age where, if I'm going to have a family, I need to get cracking.

 

But, the idea of working a 50-60 hour week, in between getting kids up in the morning, coming home to a needy (yet loving) group of people at night, being "locked" into family stuff on the weekends? I don't know. And if I don't know, what business do I have involving myself with someone else who does know what they want? If I wasn't excited about doing this with a woman whom I love(d), what makes me think I'll want to do it with someone else?

 

OTOH, given my age and busy schedule, much of my social circle has dried up. I don't receive regular invites to go do this-or-that like I did when I was with my ex. But is that a good reason to enter into a relationship? Out of boredom from lack of platonic friends? If not, do I find myself sitting at a bar alone 4 nights a week at age 40? Such indecision.

 

I should mention that, in the previous relationship, my ex did not have many platonic GFs that she could call up on a weekend. She didn't have a "girl's night". It was me and her, playing board games or watching TV the vast majority of the time. Beyond that, she stated a strong desire to move across the country to somewhere warmer. Then, neither of us would have had old-friends around. Perhaps that was an atypical example. OTOH, that seems to be common: just be friends with the people you work with. No thanks.

 

Thoughts?

[Andy555]

Hi, I feel my ex has GIGS, we were together 6 years I'm 25 she is 22, she moved in wit me and my parents around 4 years ago cus she had a complicated home life b4.

 

I became a bit more serious lately she also got a new job recently then out of the blue she called it off without any good reason.

 

She tried to give it another go she wud kiss me passionately and hav a massive smile on her face afterwards and always say she had fun. I did feel it was always me making the effort though, I wud b th one to text her 1st and organise to go out.

 

The following day after a 'date' which ended in a passionate kiss, she text me ending it saying it just didn't feel right so she had to let me go which is hard to take.

 

I know she is moving on and enjoying single life but I find it really hard to do the same. So iv had to go down th route of NC. We were in and out of contact for 5 weeks and now iv gone 5 days which obviously helps, I just feel deep down I dnt want to move on and I dnt kno why when I know she is!

 

I dnt kno how she can move on so quickly and not care about being in touch as b4 we were in constant contact.

 

I do believe one day she wil realise wat she has lost because iv always been a good bf and we got on so well but I feel she needs to go through this stage of her life to realise it which I can't sit by wait! So how do I move on? And how can she just not care?

[Johnsmith100]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427637-unique-situation

 

Not sure if this is allowed but there's an element to this thread in it!

[freebird31]

I LOVE THIS.

ill be the first to say my ex dumped me and broke my heart for reasons that seem like GIGS. BUT for real though? What will i get from any of this by hating him? That doesn't make me any more of a better or mature person.

 

I truly forgive my ex. And although he hurt me and put me through hell these last couple of months by trying to contact me, i STILL forgive him. and i dont hate him for the decision that he made. becuase that, my friends, would be CONDITIONAL love if i did i think.

 

Yes i may have felt so angry and I DID,i REALLY DID felt like i hated my ex. but you know what, Im going to be the bigger person and forgive him. for everything.

 

And if he wants to go and be single and live his life, so be it. Why should i hate him for that? why should anyone hate another person for that? Yes, he broke my heart and i miss him so much. but thats what differentiates Condition love and Unconditional love. I hated him all these months and was so angry and bitter and ive just really realized that, why should you hate someone for wanting to just see what else is out there ? I dont hate him...He didnt break up with me to cause me pain. THATS THE PROBLEM. we ALL think our exes broke up with us to INTENTIONALLY cause us pain. I know mine didnt. If he wants to go out there and be single and enjoy his college life, its fine. i dont own him. i never did. he is free to do what makes him happy. in the mean time, i will do what makes me happy. sometimes, ill admit, i hurt over him. but i dont hate him anymore. i truly fogive him.

[777doom]

For those who have made it through the healing process, this is a good pick-me-up:

 

Anberlin- Day Late Friend (lyrics) - YouTube

 

In fact, the album that this song is from is very good and all of the songs describe various parts of a relationship and a break-up... if you can open your mind enough to give it a listen then you will enjoy it

[Freshstart17]

Question for you all. My wife who has GIGS was pretty responsive and courteous with me when dealing with unresolved financial and kid matters. Now out of the blue she won't text me back, became very cold. She is acting like I dumped her! On a document she refused to put her last name (my last name) on it. What is the reason for this???

[MoooOinkBaaa]

My girlfriend is a classic case of GIGGS. Her lifestyle started to change, she started drinking out, then clubbing then getting wasted. She even started smoking cigarettes and that was a total shock as she used to hate smokers. Then she moved onto baccy! She hated tattoos, now she wants them and now she wants piercings. She wants to dye her beautiful natural blonde hair purple/red. You really know someone wants to change when they start smoking.

 

In her break-up e-mail she gave me the cliche excuses. Needing to find herself, not wanting to be in a relationship, wanting her freedom. Accusing me of holding her back. She thinks she's got some new found sense of independence but she just lives off her mum's Independence. Her mum provides everything for her.

 

Her mum has bought her a house, she's moving in next month. She also turned 25 in May. I was with her for seven years and she used to say how we would grow old together and she adored me.

 

She wasn't bothered about the break-up at all judging by her Twitter, she's already trying to attract male attention.

 

I'm really starting to not like her anymore. She just threw me away like an empty crisp packet. Left me hanging telling me not to wait because she doesn't know if she will change her mind soon.

 

We did have some communication problems but now I realize it's not the reason for the break-up, just the excuse.

 

It's all about her.

Edited September 29, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Romaks]

My girlfriend is a classic case of GIGGS. Her lifestyle started to change, she started drinking out, then clubbing then getting wasted. She even started smoking cigarettes and that was a total shock as she used to hate smokers. Then she moved onto baccy! She hated tattoos, now she wants them and now she wants piercings. She wants to dye her beautiful natural blonde hair purple/red. You really know someone wants to change when they start smoking.

 

In her break-up e-mail she gave me the cliche excuses. Needing to find herself, not wanting to be in a relationship, wanting her freedom. Accusing me of holding her back. She thinks she's got some new found sense of independence but she just lives off her mum's Independence. Her mum provides everything for her.

 

Her mum has bought her a house, she's moving in next month. She also turned 25 in May. I was with her for seven years and she used to say how we would grow old together and she adored me.

 

She wasn't bothered about the break-up at all judging by her Twitter, she's already trying to attract male attention.

 

I'm really starting to not like her anymore. She just threw me away like an empty crisp packet. Left me hanging telling me not to wait because she doesn't know if she will change her mind soon.

 

We did have some communication problems but now I realize it's not the reason for the break-up, just the excuse.

 

It's all about her.

 

 

I totally feel you man. It's hard and you just have to move on. Cut all contact entirely and let her get it all out of her system, and if she doesn't, she was never even good enough for you anyway.

 

Do NOT put your life on hold, and focus on whatever you do. The way I see it, is if she were to not have this sort of 'crisis,' then when you're married to her in your late 40's, she'll have some sort of mid-life crisis where she'll desperately want to go back to her younger years thinking she never fully took advantage of them.

 

I've been reading about this a lot, and It seems this happens pretty often. Girls like this tend to come back when you're totally over them, but the difference is, they come back with absolutely no doubt. You are going through the pain of the break up, but she isn't. You'll get over her quickly, but then she'll experience the pain once she finally realizes what she has left behind. Either way, it's a win-win for you since you'll be a better person, and you'll seek out more mature relationships in the future.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yeah maybe I'm lucky to get out now before it happened later down the road. She's not trying to find herself at all, she's running away from the real her. All these new changes she claims are superficial outside changes. It's all camouflage. She's so insecure she needs to completely change her image or she doesn't know what to do. I've seen her twitter and her emotions are all over the place. She has no self esteem and constantly tweets to try and attract male attention.

 

"I'm getting my nipples pierced".

 

She's hit 25 and feels like she's missed out on the single life. She has to take responsibility now and grow up but she's trying to go backwards as long as she can.

 

At the end of the day after the nights over it's a lonely lifestyle. It's hard to find love these days, a strong connection between two people. She was my first girlfriend and she doesn't even appreciate that, she had no history to stack up, no history of exes to worry about. Her sense of adventure might wind up making her miserable, she will be like other singles complaining they can't find a good man. She's already complaining on twitter that she can't attract the males she fancies.

 

Her excuses for dumping me were that I don't fit into this new lifestyle of hers, I can't accept her for who she is (I don't even know who that is). She told me we're not on the same page, she's not the same person.

 

It's her who can't accept ME for who I am. Because I'm not full of tattoos, piercings and booze.

 

I think her mum must of had a big influence in her dumping me because her messages didn't even sound like her. Her mum likes her money and she just bought my ex a house, so she'll want a guy with a great job to move in. It'll be her mum who's told her she can do better than me and advised her to go out and live her life and find herself. She has her wrapped around her finger, my ex will never find herself until her mum stops providing everything for her in life. She lives under the thumb of her mum.

Edited September 29, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[hurts2death]

the same s hit to you and to all..

 

i wish i could have a cure for all of us.

hang in there brothers

[Romaks]

Yeah you got the right attitude.

 

It's not your fault that she has no idea what she's doing, and you trying to help her is just going to drive her away. Trust me, it'll hit her like a ton of bricks that what she's doing is unfulfilling and not going to take her anyway. Maybe it'll take someone to use her or break her heart or something, but sooner or later, an epiphany is bound to happen.

 

Sooner or later, they ALL want to settle, but right now, they're soo vulnerable to social demands and what not.

 

Hey man, I'd appreciate if you put your two cents in on to my thread.

My thread

 

I always appreciate a different perspective.

[silentdove]

Im new here! I was in a relationship for the same guy since we were 17/18, me being the oldest. I will say we have went through some real tough times. After a year and half he broke up with me and started partying. Once that died down, he came back. Then the cheating messages began in his phone. He says hes actually never physically cheated . But it hurts all the same. About two years ago he started cleaning up his act. But the trust was already broken. Five months ago he broke up with me because I still never learned to trust him enough to let him go out and do things over night without me. The trust was horrid. The feelings and horrible thoughts I had. Since weve broken up hes come and gone saying he doesn't know what will happen. I will say his behavior became so crazy when we broke up. Drinking all the time. quit his good job. Tried new drugs. A few months before we broke up he gave me the " im young I should be having fun" line. And I wasn't allowing him to do so inside the relationship. He truly did love me. We started talking again about a month ago and it started with "time will only tell with what will happen with us" once again he flipped out weeks later saying he never wants to come back again. That he loves me but isn't in love. I truly recognize my mistakes and have learned to trust and see how he was feeling. Now hes being certain hes never going to fall in love with me again. But he still gives me money when needed, there to help me,talks to me and even spends time with me. And I really don't know if he is over us like hes saying. He still looks at me the same,flirts ect. Hes been crazy about me since day one. Advice? anyone else gone through this.? Should I give up even though he still spends time and cares? whats really going through his mind

 

And it has nothing to do with seeing other girls. He just isn't that person. Hes told me why we broke up. The whole having some sort of freedom thing to do his own thing. And I really see where hes coming from now .

 

Is this g.i.g.s? or the outcome of me not trusting him and giving him his freedom?

[hurts2death]

cool post i agree on that so the best we do the dumpees is go and vanish from them silently and polite....giving them what they want...while we become better (we can only become better after the low point we are(the lowest)we can only go upwards but them?downwards lol) and when that epiphany comes we are 100x better in all aspects and if we moved on even better

 

Yeah you got the right attitude.

 

It's not your fault that she has no idea what she's doing, and you trying to help her is just going to drive her away. Trust me, it'll hit her like a ton of bricks that what she's doing is unfulfilling and not going to take her anyway. Maybe it'll take someone to use her or break her heart or something, but sooner or later, an epiphany is bound to happen.

 

Sooner or later, they ALL want to settle, but right now, they're soo vulnerable to social demands and what not.

 

Hey man, I'd appreciate if you put your two cents in on to my thread.

My thread

 

I always appreciate a different perspective.

[Mr Scorpio]

Go the George Clooney route. Just don't be surprised when they end up dumping you after a few years after they change their mind on marriage / kids /etc. and you don't go along with it. I tried it and it looks good on paper but in my experience it still hurts like hell and not worth the trouble. Since I don't mind being alone... It's not an issue for me.

 

And therein lies the dilemma. As an only child, I have plenty of experience with being alone. At the end of a long day, I don't particularly mind it. When I see a guy with dead eyes in a grocery store lugging around a pile of screaming kids, I certainly don't mind it. However, when I allow my mind to wander back to fond memories of time spent with my ex, then it bothers me.

 

If I had to guess right now, I would say that indecision will keep me single for the foreseeable future. Then again, legend has it that there are women out there who also value free-time and aren't looking to have children.

 

Que sera.