"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[MoooOinkBaaa]

My ex is totally changing now. She used to live a clean healthy lifestyle. Now she's out getting wasted, getting tattoos that a 13 year old would choose. I can't even imagine my girlfriend smoking baccy, it's so weird seeing her talk about it on Twitter. She knows I always hated smoking because I had to live with my mum who smoked 40 a day and it drove me crazy. Her whole attitude has gone backwards.

 

I'm really starting to lose respect for her. Has anyone told their exes about this GIGGS? I'm thinking of telling her I'm not waiting around anymore. I want to tell her how much she's running away from herself.

[Turnandcough]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. I gave her a couple days to cool things over before we talked. I asked her what she wanted and he said I wasn't going to like the answer so I said I respected her decision and she would say I love you blah blah. When I got home I got emotional as texted I that day saying I wanted to fight for something I loved. I only did it that day, been NC ever since. Honestly I miss her sometimes but for the most I'm remembering how great being single is. At this point idk if I would even take her back. Gotta know what your worth and what you deserve. I'm sure sooner or later she will get off of her rebounds and try to come back. At that point she will be just another girl to me. Break up reason was I lied about something little, not cheating, and she thought I had been clingy which was BS because she asked me to stay with her most every night. We both are in college and live at the same apartment complex. She needed "space" and is recently 21, so I'm guessing she just wanted to go party It up since she is about to graduate. Anyway, I'll stay NC and move on. Any thoughts?

[Turnandcough]

Btw 7 month relationship. I'm 23 she is 21. Her roommates are around her age and newly single. I know they were saying, "if he lied about this what else could he be lying about..." All the BS girls say. Ive kinda recognized tht she used this as her "window of opportunity" to test the waters, gigs, whatever other immature petty excuses are out there.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

She's definitely trying to change herself. Today she posted on instagram, a full body shot of herself (she's always been overweight) and how she's had enough of her body and is changing it.

 

She never did this with me, she would try then give up. I'd try and get her into fitness, get her swimming and stuff.

 

Looks like she thinks she can do better than me and once she's fit she can really get any guy she wants.

 

I hate this so much.

[Mariposa10]

She's definitely trying to change herself. Today she posted on instagram, a full body shot of herself (she's always been overweight) and how she's had enough of her body and is changing it.

 

She never did this with me, she would try then give up. I'd try and get her into fitness, get her swimming and stuff.

 

Looks like she thinks she can do better than me and once she's fit she can really get any guy she wants.

 

I hate this so much.

 

Or maybe this is how she's dealing with the breakup?? Don't over analyze everything, you'll only get hurt. She might give up again. We don't know. Stop guessing!

[organizedchaos]

She's definitely trying to change herself. Today she posted on instagram, a full body shot of herself (she's always been overweight) and how she's had enough of her body and is changing it.

 

She never did this with me, she would try then give up. I'd try and get her into fitness, get her swimming and stuff.

 

Looks like she thinks she can do better than me and once she's fit she can really get any guy she wants.

 

I hate this so much.

 

Only because you won't stop looking at her Instagram and Twitter feeds.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Haha she's full on turned against me, I'm gonna post back here if anything happens. Has anyone else got any good news? Are we all on the bones of our arses still?

 

I just came to a realization. My girlfriend doesn't have GIGGS. This new lifestyle and changes in herself are due to attention. She wants attention! I got a little too comfy in the relationship, we had terrible communication due to me. It was LDR too so I think she chose this route of drinking to feed her loneliness. This is what most single people do, they go out looking for attention. It's not a case of GIGGS though. It's filling a void, somewhere in the relationship my ex got unhappy. I know where this is.

 

Look what she said to me not too long ago whilst she was in this lifestyle change.

 

I too have this fear sometimes. Like what if we do finally live together and it all goes tits up. But then remember, I do go out and meet other people and I've met loads of different boys and not once have I fallen in love with anyone else, its only ever been you. No one has even come close to tempting me from leaving you. You shouldn't avoid meeting people (though I would prefer you don't hang out with girls ) because if you feel the same way I do, you won't find anyone else.

 

We was talking about the distance in our relationship, I was being really negative about it.

 

So the problems came first THEN this lifestyle change. It's a way to deal with the break-up but I know she still cares about me because on her Twitter she's saying how I nagged her to exercise and made comments on her belly. Now before anyone thinks I'm an ass, this is totally untrue. I only encouraged her to exercise and rarely. I used to kiss her belly all the time and tell her I loved it.

 

But this means she's holding a grudge against me right now. She's probablly going to hold it for a while, nothing I say or do will make her switch her feelings, might take a while.

 

I noticed a lot of people in this thread had a great relationship but then it suddenly changed. Be honest did you do anything to trigger it? It could be months back, my ex must of been planning this a while. Her break-up message was so planned, fast and concise.

 

Oh maybe I'm just daydreaming again....

Edited October 1, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[jamesjesse0]

I have been going through a really tough time with what I think is GIGS from my longterm ex girlfriend. My story, if anybody feels that they can help, is really kind of unique. My relationship is really unheard of, and I have been struggling for a while and would like some outside opinions on the matter.

 

I began dating my ex when I was 15 (young I know), but we dated for 7 years straight. Went to college together, were the perfect hs sweethearts, etc. She is older than me and graduated a semester earlier than I (I worked my a** off to finish early so that we could get married). My last semester in school, my now ex is sending me texts that she is confused about how she feels. "I know I love you, but I dont know why I'm not sure about marriage/us, etc." All of the sudden, one night while im in my apartment and she is out she hits me with "this just isnt working". A breakup from a 7 year relationship over text. We talked for another day or two and she insisted that we breakup without the intent of getting back together.

 

Very little talking for about two months. Fastforward, though, I get a job in the same city (our plans were to move to this city, so this is where I wanted to be for myself). I go to a new church one day and, guess who is waiting for me at the end of the service? Yep, her. We hugged and she came to see my new apartment, and our intimacy was rekindled but she made it a fact to say that this doesnt change things. I knew she had been on dates, but hadn't found anyone, so I let it be. Off and on she would contact me and we would hang out for about 3 months (sex involved). She would go cold, then go hot. She explained to me over and over that "she wished we would have met later in life so she could have figured herself out" and "I'm perfect, but shes just not sure why she doesn't have a for sure feeling". She even takes me to the beach with her family for a summer trip, takes my dog on walks while I'm at work, gets sushi with me at a place that we call "ours." Then, one day (while we're about to go to bed) I see a text from a guy that I knew she had been hanging out with. She told me that they hung out and he was too boring so she wasn't interested. She said that she told him that she didn't want a relationship and that they couldn't talk. But, this text says on both parties "I just couldn't help but text you". I want to give here privacy, so I stop looking at the text. She says that they had done things, but no sex. For the next 4 months, though, she makes sure that we don't have sex. She does, though, ask me to hang out about every other day.

 

Now, to the part that has hit me the most... We have been officially broken up for a year, but she still wants to hang out with me. She then goes cold for two weeks. Then gives me a text saying that we shouldn't talk. I need answers, so I ask her to meet me.

 

The tough thing is that she said that she had sex with the guy when she said that they didn't, and that they have continued to have sex. she says that she doesn't love him but that she doesnt want anything with me. she wants me to move on and be happy. she makes it clear she doesnt want a relationship with anybody and that they dont spend the night with each other just have sex.

 

We were each others first and only, so this is major to me. We were young, and I understand that we need to experience things. But, I want to know if her love will ever come back. I understand that I need to back away, but I just want to hear some thoughts about what will happen next. Anybody?

[Turnandcough]

I have been going through a really tough time with what I think is GIGS from my longterm ex girlfriend. My story, if anybody feels that they can help, is really kind of unique. My relationship is really unheard of, and I have been struggling for a while and would like some outside opinions on the matter.

 

I began dating my ex when I was 15 (young I know), but we dated for 7 years straight. Went to college together, were the perfect hs sweethearts, etc. She is older than me and graduated a semester earlier than I (I worked my a** off to finish early so that we could get married). My last semester in school, my now ex is sending me texts that she is confused about how she feels. "I know I love you, but I dont know why I'm not sure about marriage/us, etc." All of the sudden, one night while im in my apartment and she is out she hits me with "this just isnt working". A breakup from a 7 year relationship over text. We talked for another day or two and she insisted that we breakup without the intent of getting back together.

 

Very little talking for about two months. Fastforward, though, I get a job in the same city (our plans were to move to this city, so this is where I wanted to be for myself). I go to a new church one day and, guess who is waiting for me at the end of the service? Yep, her. We hugged and she came to see my new apartment, and our intimacy was rekindled but she made it a fact to say that this doesnt change things. I knew she had been on dates, but hadn't found anyone, so I let it be. Off and on she would contact me and we would hang out for about 3 months (sex involved). She would go cold, then go hot. She explained to me over and over that "she wished we would have met later in life so she could have figured herself out" and "I'm perfect, but shes just not sure why she doesn't have a for sure feeling". She even takes me to the beach with her family for a summer trip, takes my dog on walks while I'm at work, gets sushi with me at a place that we call "ours." Then, one day (while we're about to go to bed) I see a text from a guy that I knew she had been hanging out with. She told me that they hung out and he was too boring so she wasn't interested. She said that she told him that she didn't want a relationship and that they couldn't talk. But, this text says on both parties "I just couldn't help but text you". I want to give here privacy, so I stop looking at the text. She says that they had done things, but no sex. For the next 4 months, though, she makes sure that we don't have sex. She does, though, ask me to hang out about every other day.

 

Now, to the part that has hit me the most... We have been officially broken up for a year, but she still wants to hang out with me. She then goes cold for two weeks. Then gives me a text saying that we shouldn't talk. I need answers, so I ask her to meet me.

 

The tough thing is that she said that she had sex with the guy when she said that they didn't, and that they have continued to have sex. she says that she doesn't love him but that she doesnt want anything with me. she wants me to move on and be happy. she makes it clear she doesnt want a relationship with anybody and that they dont spend the night with each other just have sex.

 

We were each others first and only, so this is major to me. We were young, and I understand that we need to experience things. But, I want to know if her love will ever come back. I understand that I need to back away, but I just want to hear some thoughts about what will happen next. Anybody?

 

You need to go No Contact on her while she is "figuring" this stuff out. Sounds like she was in a LTR all through the fun college times and maybe she needs to go out and be single for a while. Yes this is a immature thing to do but she is young. I know you love her and i'm sure she loves you very much. Once you start to scarce yourself that 7 years of memories will crawl into her head and taunt her everyday. There will be days when you say this isn't working she is just forgetting about me. Honestly, she will never be able to forget about you for her entire life since that was a 7 year relationship. Let her breathe and let the idea of you slip away from her. In this time don't hope and wish she will come back. Act as if she is never coming back! Go hit the gym and work your *** off so you can get buy something you have always wanted or go on a vacation with some buddies. My ex did the same thing and I am currently in 3 weeks of NC. They say it takes over a month for them to realize, "Oh crap! Maybe he is just gonna find another love and move on!" Maybe you will! Take time to be single though. IMO being single is a lot of fun if you manage to stay busy. It will hit you hard when you are home alone though. Don't be her doormat man! Be the freaking alpha male you are supposed to be and go literally **** life. I heard a great metaphor from a video one time. It's a little bulgar but kinda makes since in a way. Men have dicks.... we go and **** things, meaning we go head strong and go after the things we want. Girls, have a vagina that is meant for accepting things into it (meaning, looking for a guy who is attacking life and literally ****ing it). They are attracted to go getters. I'm sure you were very nice to her and girls take that for granted, it is called the White Knight look. Sometimes they wanna find the guy who is owning his own life because that is attractive. You did all this stuff for her, like graduating early so you could give your life to her. That is a very noble thing to do. But..... girls like the chase, not to be chased. YOU HAVE GOT TO BECOME YOUR OWN PERSON! If she does come back take it superrrrrr slow. She needs to know your worth a hell of a lot more than what she is giving you. If she doesn't come back, your already living your life to the fullest (if your becoming the alpha your meant to be).

 

I was in the same situation, girl up and left me because I was too "clingy". I only became "clingy" when all her roommates got back from summer break and she wanted to go party with them. I never got in her way of doing it. I realized she has lot value in how great of a person I really am and what I deserve. I'm moving on and it's a slow process.... but I am ****ing things in my life right now and completely getting shredded so next time she see's me (even though I may not even want her then) she is gonna be like..... I ****ed up. I'm smiling typing this because even 3 weeks out I am already having so many revelations. Yes, I lose sleep because I dream about her. They are fading and i'm having one hell of a fun life right now. Keep that chin up, get active, and go **** the world.

[Turnandcough]

I;m on here a lot and so are a lot of these people all going through the same stuff. Instead of contacting her, get your *** on here and spill your guts. Lot of good opinions on here. It will give you a gut check.

[Jdogg577]

My GIGS girlfriend came back after about 6 weeks of no contact. We spent a week dating again and it was amazing - all the feelings were still there, but she left again because she felt she still wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet and needs more time.

 

The second time sucks waaaay worse than the first. Be cautious.

[Polak]

My GIGS girlfriend came back after about 6 weeks of no contact. We spent a week dating again and it was amazing - all the feelings were still there, but she left again because she felt she still wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet and needs more time.

 

The second time sucks waaaay worse than the first. Be cautious.

 

Remember what homebrew said... it will take a very long time (1-2 years) before they come back to you with a legitimate desire and attempt to commit. "Otherwise, you're just going to be a rebound."

 

Get away from her. NC all the way. You don't need repeated pain that only gets worse!

[Polak]

I have been going through a really tough time with what I think is GIGS from my longterm ex girlfriend. My story, if anybody feels that they can help, is really kind of unique. My relationship is really unheard of, and I have been struggling for a while and would like some outside opinions on the matter.

 

I began dating my ex when I was 15 (young I know), but we dated for 7 years straight. Went to college together, were the perfect hs sweethearts, etc. She is older than me and graduated a semester earlier than I (I worked my a** off to finish early so that we could get married). My last semester in school, my now ex is sending me texts that she is confused about how she feels. "I know I love you, but I dont know why I'm not sure about marriage/us, etc." All of the sudden, one night while im in my apartment and she is out she hits me with "this just isnt working". A breakup from a 7 year relationship over text. We talked for another day or two and she insisted that we breakup without the intent of getting back together.

 

Very little talking for about two months. Fastforward, though, I get a job in the same city (our plans were to move to this city, so this is where I wanted to be for myself). I go to a new church one day and, guess who is waiting for me at the end of the service? Yep, her. We hugged and she came to see my new apartment, and our intimacy was rekindled but she made it a fact to say that this doesnt change things. I knew she had been on dates, but hadn't found anyone, so I let it be. Off and on she would contact me and we would hang out for about 3 months (sex involved). She would go cold, then go hot. She explained to me over and over that "she wished we would have met later in life so she could have figured herself out" and "I'm perfect, but shes just not sure why she doesn't have a for sure feeling". She even takes me to the beach with her family for a summer trip, takes my dog on walks while I'm at work, gets sushi with me at a place that we call "ours." Then, one day (while we're about to go to bed) I see a text from a guy that I knew she had been hanging out with. She told me that they hung out and he was too boring so she wasn't interested. She said that she told him that she didn't want a relationship and that they couldn't talk. But, this text says on both parties "I just couldn't help but text you". I want to give here privacy, so I stop looking at the text. She says that they had done things, but no sex. For the next 4 months, though, she makes sure that we don't have sex. She does, though, ask me to hang out about every other day.

 

Now, to the part that has hit me the most... We have been officially broken up for a year, but she still wants to hang out with me. She then goes cold for two weeks. Then gives me a text saying that we shouldn't talk. I need answers, so I ask her to meet me.

 

The tough thing is that she said that she had sex with the guy when she said that they didn't, and that they have continued to have sex. she says that she doesn't love him but that she doesnt want anything with me. she wants me to move on and be happy. she makes it clear she doesnt want a relationship with anybody and that they dont spend the night with each other just have sex.

 

We were each others first and only, so this is major to me. We were young, and I understand that we need to experience things. But, I want to know if her love will ever come back. I understand that I need to back away, but I just want to hear some thoughts about what will happen next. Anybody?

Bro, get away from this situation! This is defnitely unique in that your relationship with her (7 yrs) was longer than many people's marriages... Basically a good portion of your life you spent with this girl, and you don't know much else. Being single almost doesn't feel real, correct? That's what makes this harder, but....

 

Don't let her string you along. Don't contact her anymore. She wants to still be "friends" yet has casual sex with other guys? Screw that. Lose her. Drop her like a deadweight. If she's going to figure herself out by doing that stuff, let her do it, but don't get involved in any way. Regardless of how unnatural it may feel, do not respond to texts or email. She will just somehow set up the next situation to cause you more suffering and pain. Not worth it.

[Jdogg577]

Remember what homebrew said... it will take a very long time (1-2 years) before they come back to you with a legitimate desire and attempt to commit. "Otherwise, you're just going to be a rebound."

 

Get away from her. NC all the way. You don't need repeated pain that only gets worse!

 

I don't think there's a certain time on it, ideally more than like a month and a half in my case - i think when its right its right...if ever. But I think both parties need to know absolutely that the relationship is something they wanna move forward with. For me she didn't know that completely, she just had a feint idea. But that makes it really hard for us because it's like starting from square 1 all over again and watching her leave one more time.

[jamesjesse0]

You need to go No Contact on her while she is "figuring" this stuff out. Sounds like she was in a LTR all through the fun college times and maybe she needs to go out and be single for a while. Yes this is a immature thing to do but she is young. I know you love her and i'm sure she loves you very much. Once you start to scarce yourself that 7 years of memories will crawl into her head and taunt her everyday. There will be days when you say this isn't working she is just forgetting about me. Honestly, she will never be able to forget about you for her entire life since that was a 7 year relationship. Let her breathe and let the idea of you slip away from her. In this time don't hope and wish she will come back. Act as if she is never coming back! Go hit the gym and work your *** off so you can get buy something you have always wanted or go on a vacation with some buddies. My ex did the same thing and I am currently in 3 weeks of NC. They say it takes over a month for them to realize, "Oh crap! Maybe he is just gonna find another love and move on!" Maybe you will! Take time to be single though. IMO being single is a lot of fun if you manage to stay busy. It will hit you hard when you are home alone though. Don't be her doormat man! Be the freaking alpha male you are supposed to be and go literally **** life. I heard a great metaphor from a video one time. It's a little bulgar but kinda makes since in a way. Men have dicks.... we go and **** things, meaning we go head strong and go after the things we want. Girls, have a vagina that is meant for accepting things into it (meaning, looking for a guy who is attacking life and literally ****ing it). They are attracted to go getters. I'm sure you were very nice to her and girls take that for granted, it is called the White Knight look. Sometimes they wanna find the guy who is owning his own life because that is attractive. You did all this stuff for her, like graduating early so you could give your life to her. That is a very noble thing to do. But..... girls like the chase, not to be chased. YOU HAVE GOT TO BECOME YOUR OWN PERSON! If she does come back take it superrrrrr slow. She needs to know your worth a hell of a lot more than what she is giving you. If she doesn't come back, your already living your life to the fullest (if your becoming the alpha your meant to be).

 

I was in the same situation, girl up and left me because I was too "clingy". I only became "clingy" when all her roommates got back from summer break and she wanted to go party with them. I never got in her way of doing it. I realized she has lot value in how great of a person I really am and what I deserve. I'm moving on and it's a slow process.... but I am ****ing things in my life right now and completely getting shredded so next time she see's me (even though I may not even want her then) she is gonna be like..... I ****ed up. I'm smiling typing this because even 3 weeks out I am already having so many revelations. Yes, I lose sleep because I dream about her. They are fading and i'm having one hell of a fun life right now. Keep that chin up, get active, and go **** the world.

 

You know, I guess that's one thing that I should have put in this post. The last time that I spoke to her where she told me that she wants me to move on, she kept telling my "I want to see you one day happy with YOURSELF". It's like almost dropping me a hint that she wanted to see me independent and not relying on her. My biggest fear is that while I'm working on myself and shes ****ing with someone else, will she just find another guy? I just don't know what she wants out of this situation. And honestly, I know that I've been a chump for a whole year. I've acted like I can't make it without her and that has pushed her away, but did it push her away forever?

[lofi_tokyo]

I've been on these forums (on and off - been off for about a year now) for many years, and I've always scoffed at GIGS. I've seen a lot of dumpees really cling to getting their SO back someday because they're blaming GIGS.

 

Well, I'm here to say, I am officially a GIGS girl. I fit all of the criteria listed in the original post. Do I regret my decision? Right now I miss my ex like crazy, and I do love him (right in alignment with the original post). Would I go back to the relationship?

 

No, no I don't think so. I think I can be confusing at times (I spare my ex from this) by feeling deep regret and by lamenting my decision. However, some small tiny part of me knew all along that I wasn't happy. Is this tied to a quarter-life crisis? Sort of. I'm getting older, and I'm figuring out my priorities and what I need moving forward. I'm in a period of self-reflection and self-evaluation.

 

Just posting my musings here I guess!

[Turnandcough]

You know, I guess that's one thing that I should have put in this post. The last time that I spoke to her where she told me that she wants me to move on, she kept telling my "I want to see you one day happy with YOURSELF". It's like almost dropping me a hint that she wanted to see me independent and not relying on her. My biggest fear is that while I'm working on myself and shes ****ing with someone else, will she just find another guy? I just don't know what she wants out of this situation. And honestly, I know that I've been a chump for a whole year. I've acted like I can't make it without her and that has pushed her away, but did it push her away forever?

 

No one knows wht the future holds bro! Like everyon says the only thing you can do is truly MOVE ON! That doesn't mean put a face on and pretend to move on with false hope! I promise when you switch it in your head and realize that when you move on your chances are win/win. You could move on and find a girl that is twice the girl your ex was OR she comes back because your owning your own life and your happy! She realizes your different and to never needed her. That will make her feel like she lost you instead of the other way around. By then you could give 2 F's about her. You'll be in a better place to step back and look at what YOU want! Not what she wants. This is your life and you think just because she is gone means your life is meant to be **** now? Hell no! Enjoy this freedom! Set a goal and beat the hell out of it. You'll feel accomplished and you'll gain your self worth back. She obviously forgot how bada** you are so your gonna go be the Alpha man you are! You don't need her you just want her.

[Turnandcough]

You know, I guess that's one thing that I should have put in this post. The last time that I spoke to her where she told me that she wants me to move on, she kept telling my "I want to see you one day happy with YOURSELF". It's like almost dropping me a hint that she wanted to see me independent and not relying on her. My biggest fear is that while I'm working on myself and shes ****ing with someone else, will she just find another guy? I just don't know what she wants out of this situation. And honestly, I know that I've been a chump for a whole year. I've acted like I can't make it without her and that has pushed her away, but did it push her away forever?

 

Btw who gives what she wants now! It's all about you now and she needs to fight for you because you are worth the fight! It may not be when you want it but you know what you meant to her. How many girls have you had sex with that didn't mean anything? Exactly, you think it's different for girls? Use your brain.

[Turnandcough]

I've been on these forums (on and off - been off for about a year now) for many years, and I've always scoffed at GIGS. I've seen a lot of dumpees really cling to getting their SO back someday because they're blaming GIGS.

 

Well, I'm here to say, I am officially a GIGS girl. I fit all of the criteria listed in the original post. Do I regret my decision? Right now I miss my ex like crazy, and I do love him (right in alignment with the original post). Would I go back to the relationship?

 

No, no I don't think so. I think I can be confusing at times (I spare my ex from this) by feeling deep regret and by lamenting my decision. However, some small tiny part of me knew all along that I wasn't happy. Is this tied to a quarter-life crisis? Sort of. I'm getting older, and I'm figuring out my priorities and what I need moving forward. I'm in a period of self-reflection and self-evaluation.

 

Just posting my musings here I guess!

 

If I were you I would learn from everyone else in this post. If you hurt your ex an didn't give him a real reason why you left,what's to say all you need to do is open lines between you two? If you feel strongly he isn't the one leave him alone forever. It's not worth reopening his wounds.

[Nimiety]

I've been recently dumped by my long term (9 years, 7 cohabitating) girlfriend, and I think GIGS is a major component of her reason.

 

She had a severely abusive father growing up, and came from a family of "strong" (read: belligerent) women. She has trust issues, and anger issues, and I've held her hand every day for 9 years trying to help her even out.

 

I have family issues of my own: My father was convicted of child luring about 18 months ago, and it broke a lot of trust I had with my folks. My ex seemed to have transferred some of her "daddy issues" to me and my relationship with my parents, and wasn't at all happy that I wasn't prepared to turn my relationship with them into a black-and-white affair. She saw it as my taking the side of a "pedophile rapist" over her. It really hurt her, but it was her own issue.

 

Fast forward a year. Things have been really rough for her. She hates her job, she's not making friends, our pet gets sick and dies, and I'm too stressed with school to babysit her constantly (she became a total attention hog). She's unhappy, and starts blaming me wholesale. Calling me "toxic". Saying our relationship is "killing her". I've done nothing mean, abusive, cold, or callus. I've done nothing but stand by her side and try to help her (even at the expense of helping myself get over all of this, which I realize was a mistake). She refuses professional help. She refuses couples counseling!

 

Then a new guy shows up at work. They're "just friends". There's "nothing happening". Then "he's more fun than [i am]". And then I'm dumped, and she's chasing after him. She's "totally moved on" and "completely over our relationship", and "really happy with him".

 

Only he doesn't actually seem to very interested. He has no time for her. He's a workaholic. He's stood her up repeatedly. He's told her that he's applying for work cross country. He didn't phone or email her on her birthday; didn't get her a card or gift. He also won't tell her that he's not interested, and keeps stringing her along.

 

To me, she's clearly going through a "quarter life crisis", is rebounding very strongly off of someone who's simply unavailable (and worse, he's now apparently blaming me for his unavailability - due to financial constraints, I'm stuck living with my ex until I can find a new job (believe me, I've been looking, and looking hard!), and he's now telling her that he feels too weird being with her while I'm "in the picture" (I'm not in the picture. I've accepted that our relationship is over)). The new guy came in, seemed more interesting than him, and she hadn't projected all of her baggage onto him yet (in fact, thanks to my being stuck here for the next few weeks yet, she's still projecting it all onto me, even though, outside of special occasions and special circumstances, I've attempted to keep my distance).

 

I love my ex with all of my heart, and I love her unconditionally. If our relationship was making her unhappy, I'm really glad for her sake that she had the courage to tell me so, and to end it. But the fact that she's insisting on rebounding come Hell or high water (she's already created a Plenty-of-Fish account, to boot, since it looks like things with the new guy are going nowhere very fast) tells me that she's very unhappy right now.

 

I know we had a good relationship. I know I always treated her with love, respect, and perhaps even a little too much devotion. I did everything in my power to make her happy, but she lost a lot of self confidence and self esteem after graduating, and there was no getting through to her. There was no helping her. And she managed to project all of her pain and troubles onto me, so that she never bothered to try and help herself (because she has no problems, you see! Her only problem was me!).

 

I have no doubt that six months or a year after I can finally move out, she'll be knocking on my door, telling me how sorry she was for hurting me, and how guilty she feels about it (hell, she already did this this past Tuesday; I told her that I didn't want her to feel guilty, but also that she'd get no absolution from me at this time). Once she gives herself the chance to actually reflect on things, she'll see how it wasn't all my fault, and that she took no responsibility for her own pain or problems.

 

Until then I'm looking for a job, I'm running (I've already lost 2 inches off of my waistline since we broke up!), lifting weights, going out with friends, and finishing my MSc thesis. I'm also working on my anxiety issues, learning to take a leadership role in social situations, and working being more open and honest about my feelings and desires. Once I get that job, I'm going to get an awesome new apartment, pay my ex back for back rent, and maybe even start dating casually (I'm not interested in a new relationship anytime soon, but I could stand to meet some new people).

 

I do hope that my ex comes back some day, but it's more important to me that she gets help resolving her issues and has a happy life. I'm told via a mutual friend that she is "addicted" to me, and is probably never going to truly go away, even if we never end up together again, so at least if she does find true happiness without me, I'll be able to know about it, and be happy for her.

[Romaks]

This seems to happen to all the good guys.

[Mariposa10]

This seems to happen to all the good guys.

 

 

 

And gals too.

[Polak]

Until then I'm looking for a job, I'm running (I've already lost 2 inches off of my waistline since we broke up!), lifting weights, going out with friends, and finishing my MSc thesis. I'm also working on my anxiety issues, learning to take a leadership role in social situations, and working being more open and honest about my feelings and desires. Once I get that job, I'm going to get an awesome new apartment, pay my ex back for back rent, and maybe even start dating casually (I'm not interested in a new relationship anytime soon, but I could stand to meet some new people).

 

Way to go, that's what I like to see. Being proactive in the face of negativity. The benefits are pouring already!

[im_thedude]

I want to know whether you guys think my situation is GIGS or something else.

 

My full story is here.

 

Basically, the big thing that resulted in our break up was my ex's online activities. She met a lot of "friends" online, be it through Tumblr, Xbox, or some other media platform. I was upset about this, because I figured if she really loved me she wouldn't need the satisfaction of having two dozen guy friends online. So I felt disrespected about her not honoring my requests to curb her online social habits, and she felt like I was controlling her and not letting her "be herself," even though she went ahead and talked to the guys anyways.

 

She dumped me two months ago, citing her being unhappy for sometime, largely because I didn't let her "be herself." Her message to me was very clear - there were no feelings left and she didn't want to be in contact with me.

 

About two months before our breakup, she finally got on her feet with a new job (thus new friends), a new car, and a new found sense of adulthood. So she dumped me, gave me the coldest shoulder possible, and I found out that about two weeks after dumping me, she booked a week-long vacation to her hometown.

 

I snooped (stupid, I know) and saw that she was spending her time up there with one of the dudes she had met online that she told me about when we were still together. From what I gather, they've been very flirty and he's been showing her old hometown to her again, and I've deduced that she is staying at his place (because I know with her job she probably can't afford a hotel for a week).

 

Personally, I've experienced a whole wide range of emotions over this. First, I'm hurt that I was ultimately right about being weary of her online activities - I had always known that if our relationship ended, those scumbags she was "friends" with would jump right on her. Second, I'm jealous, because I wish I was seemingly moving on from this relationship as easily as she was. And then I'm also just really confused about where her mental state is.

 

With this new job and additional money, new car, new friends, and new found sense of self, was it GIGS that made her decide to book a flight (when she had never even been on a plane before) to have this fling with some guy she developed a connection to online? What do you guys think is happening, and will anything come of this? Realistically, they live very far apart and couldn't have a proper relationship together, so I'm just wondering if this was some spontaneous act of lashing out or a genuine attempt to move on.

 

I guess I'm trying to wrap my head around how I could possibly still have hope for her coming back when so many things point otherwise.

Edited October 4, 2013 by im_thedude

[xUnknown]

I would love the input if anyone can help me out. New to the forums.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/429554-break-gf-gigs-thoughts#post5252730