"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[casusbubble]

I vote this thread up there with CaliGuy's NC Guide

[for666]

well it's my bd today !! yey im 24...

BTW: i have to say the hardest break up is GIGS.. in my opinion.. all other problems have reason this is Like (nothing you can/cud do reason)

 

so let me tell you a story of my break up's

yes yes i have 3 break up's with gigs (hahaha)

 

well it happen's f ALLOT! people F allot

i got not so good luck with it cos well.. there are actually no red sign's for GIGS

 

first one was when i was 17 and she was 18

well it was fun...

we both study'd in the same Boarding school so we feel in love bla bla had allot of sex and bla bla..

well after we finish'd boarding school she just broke up with me saying she wan't to be single and that we have no future she live's in defrant city and all that yaka yaka..

well i went NC cos i was hurt and i feel used ... ( you know school bf sex)

and now that she is free to the big world i'm not gonna be part of it...

 

well karma is a bitch

after year+ she is pregnant and not married

and her best friend telling me ( btw i'm in contact with her Bfriend cos she learn'd with me and a good person) that she made a mistake but now it's to f late

(well dam right i wont take her back with a baby that she made out of f idiot)

well she is now married to some ugly person .. and have a baby that's not from him and have a terrible life.. well karma suck's...

and didn't finish college.. haha and have bad job.. ( i make now like double than she make's +++)

 

second girl i date'd for around 2 month i think...

well one day she just run away.. i was 21 she was 17.. and i was so good to her

that she wanted to have (first time sex) but i wanted to wait for 18...

so she decided i'm not the one..

and i was well establish next to her and well experienced (it kind of made her feel less valued next to me)

so she just decided i'm to mature and she want to experience allot and much faster and well.. she really did a Houdini trick on me.. poof she wasn't even at home..

well next thing i did i try'd to win her back a little bit by talking to her

than when i seen she is just stupid little girl and afraid of mature commitment, i deleted her from Facebook and never look'd in to her eye's again

 

after 4 month of silence from me she started to hang around my friend's

and telling them to Say to me THAT she is SORRY

and spreading a roomer that i refused to have sex with her.. ( that i actually did (didn't want go to jail..))

 

well i refused all her sorry and continued with my life

 

well i found a new GF around age 22 and new gf is 1 month and 19..

i was in the faze of don't get me wrong (experiencing life)

just finished my degree had a nice job so i used DRUG's...

you know live'd the life

party's alcohol smoking.. trance f party.. well had fun

 

but this time i feel in love like never before..

we met in a Friend's bd party and it was fun

i took her phone number from a friend of her

and call'd her to go on a date.. and we hit it off

 

so much in common that it was amazing we cud really speak each day for 1 hr on anything...

but her attitude was always bad ..

she was always late on our meeting's

and use'd to promise something and than forget it..

friend and learning always on first place so i'd meet her one's a week only

+she had army and started to learn allot to get to doctor degree outboard..that her mom's want (+ she is reach reach reach family) and i'm a poor poor ,lonely mom son (but i f reap'd my life to get hie education)

 

well we where amazing her family/friend's love'd me and mine family only.

my friend's didn't like her, she wasn't treating me with respect..

but i didn't took it in mind cos i know she do it to EVERYONE including her best friend (like i sad it's just SHE) so i took her as she is

and gave her free space

she cud go party and grow alone

i was always there tho but have my boundaries

and did get angry or wanted some break cos she use'd to take advantage of my good heart..

but you know i just show'd the boundaries and each time i did she changed a little bit

 

but i didn't trap her in a Cage and gave her all the freedom she wanted

(going party with BF, not calling each day, didn't pressure her at all, and always inspired her to go after her dream's even tho sometime there where stupid... but f it i'm the man and i gonna stand there no matter what!)

i wasn't needy or clingy at all.

and we had a free life and very smooth relationship

well 8 month into it

 

she changed her base to a close'd base and started to get allot of attention from guy's... well it didn't bother me and i even sad to her

well you'r beautiful why not to get attention .. i don't mind i know you are with me.

( i'm just not the jealous type of person, lol it's make me proud cos my girl is beautiful and get's attention, but she is with me.)

 

and we where kind of open and even sometime i didn't see her 2 week's cos she went out on a weekend with her best friend that released from army only one's a month on a weekend (so i knew this is important and i know how to live alone fine)

 

so i can say we had a great relationship with some little problems of her being responsible more...

i have my boundaries but you know she didn't break them twice

 

but after the base change in army

she became cold

and typical GIGS appeared

she love me as a person but no in love...

the type of thing now

(the attention the responsibility the Learning outboard in the future (7 years))

all hit it like mad and she wanted out from a great understanding person like me

that gave her the ability to grow alone in the relationship and not pressuring her into anything..

even saying it's all gonna be fine for 7 year's i can visit her and all that..

 

well like she sad to me.. i don't feel the same i used to feel in the first time..

gigs ****..

 

i didn't figure out at first what hit me..

i was perfect in the BOOK's and it wasn't en-of for her i didn't know what gonna be en-of..

 

i guess she just wanted out to experience the world (19 years old)

i try'd fighting a little bit but her saying Some same reason's

i love you but not in love with you

and she didn't know why.. she just didn't.

 

well i frighted with that and try'd to get my reason's why.. but all to fail

and i eventually just gave up...

 

gigs is something you just cant fight..

just cant

 

now it's 7 month into a Break up

and i have a new GF for 2 month now.

 

well took me some time to get it all into my head...

 

i'm glad that people are sitting here and speaking about it it helps allot

 

i can see now that all the break up's was not my fault and the only thing left to do is to continue be a Great person to someone else..

even do you are getting hurt i have a feeling that maybe i'm the lesson of a life to some people that i actually give them a standard to look up to

 

i make the hie standard

and if i was great in the relationship they gonna have always a trouble finding someone that gave his 100% into it..

i am. i am uniq

 

that's why they chose to come back

and i know very easily that one day my 3d ex gonna wake up and say

hey he was great

( btw i stopped drug's during me and her dating , i respected her and never smoked next to her, it was hard and 2 month after is the time she dump'd me even do i just wanted little bit of more attention but didn't argue on it or something ( well she didn't even know i stooped or did smoke XD))

 

and by showing you my example i gain'd 10 kg of muscle after the break up

got a better job. i'm started to read allot of book's , live on my own, doing a project to get a better job ( i wanna open my own business) and my life is great even now..

and have a new gf that treat's me life a prince ( she had allot of dick head's)

and she know how to value me and i am uniq

 

now i know one thing for shore

best way to get on with it ... GIGS.. is to move on

and get you'r life even better than it was

if you are a great person they always gonna look behind them and see how you rise to the start when they stand in the sand.. sparkling only when you shine!

but you shine so much brighter than them.. all else is just gonna be a reflection of you!

 

 

be strong ^^ i know i am

i know it hurt's as hell i know..

 

but you gonna feel mush better if you get my attitude

life wont end..

even if zombies Apocalypse hit's now it wont end..

life gonna throw at you as much difficulties as it can

and it will **** you in every corner

but if you learn how to be strong in all those ability's you become STRONG

not weak but stronger each time

 

break my heart more and more and ill become invincible !

 

just live you'r life people be happy for what you have

improve you'r self each day ( in or without a relationship) and noting gonna hit you hard cos you are READY for it all!

 

thank you for reading GIGS.. it just a lesson of life for some people to value people for what they are and how they treat you and not how you feel in the moment of weakness

[Juha]

So went out with an awesome girl for over a year and a half. Started as friends, became very close/best friends then gf/bf... I was her first love and she fell very hard for me.

 

She is now 18 and has just gone off to school 2 hours away from me.

First time away on her own. We were great together. She loved me totally as I do her. I was her best friend and she mine. Always there for each other supporting each other... Knew everything about each other...

 

Should have seen some of the signs during the summer. told me she was afraid of how she felt about me. Did not know how to handle her feelings for me. etc. She also had some women health issues in that time also.

Also her mother is sick and dealing with cancer. It came back during the summer and has spread unfortunately. She was very stressed about her mother, her health issues, leaving the end of the summer for school.

 

Anyway we talked about her going away to school many times. She was all for keeping me in her life and having me come visit her some. She was looking forward to doing specific things and she said them. She also said that she needed me to not freak out as we would not talk or see as much of each other... I was good with it.

 

So she goes away, I am going to give her space so she can get acclimated and comfortable... First two weeks she is leaning on me heavily as she is homesick and does not really know anyone, etc... told me numerous times she loved me, texted me while I was sleeping one night that she wanted me to know that she loved me. She was hurting as her mother was gong in for chemo one day and reached out to me for support.

 

Another night texted me that there was music playing from another building and they played the ringtone of my phone and it made her think of me.

She also said she wanted me to come visit her the next day. When I responded the next morning she said it was not the right time yet as she just got there but wanted me to soon.

 

Next day called me and we spoke, that night I texted her a couple of pics we took of us together. Before she left she said she wanted one for her room and I would send her a couple to choose from to make a picture of she semi freaked out when she got them, said don't send me those, I can't explain why.... I first was wanting a reason then back tracked and downplayed it... This was Sept 15.

 

Next day she sent me a funny pic text. since then she became distant and cold. Withdrawing and not contacting at all. I would send a couple of have a

great day or similar texts as I knew she was having a tough time. She did not respond that week. She called that Saturday Sept. 21 I could not answer. She did not leave a message or text. Which she always did when she always did when I did not answer. I called back and she did not answer, I left a message. She never called back.

 

The next week I still sent a couple of texts the same as the week before about have a great day and such. She would respond I will thanks you too.

Cold and distant. I would ask how she was doing and how school was going and she would never respond.

 

So last Wednesday Oct. 2. I had been having trouble with my anxiety for months and never knew it. I was not myself always as I was dealing with Parents who had problems, got sick and almost died... I did not focus on taking care of it and kinda forgot about it. Well went to see someone in the middle of September ann have been taking care of it. Have been feeling better and better.

 

So sent her a text telling her all this and at the end said I love you.

She called me in a minute and started telling me this is not working, it's not right. I love you as a friend, am not in love with you anymore.

 

I tried to talk but every time I did she would keep repeating "you're not going to change my mind". Told me she did not think of me ever, did not miss me, and did not need me. Thanked me for always being there for her.

Wanted to be friends for the rest of her life as I was very important and special to her. Also told me that she was happy that I was helping myself get better but that it did not change anything.

 

I tried to talk a little and see if we could work it out. She said she could not talk. Tried to be positive but she was totally negative. Repeated 2-3 times she was the happiest she has ever been in her life. I did not make her happy. Last couple of months have not been great etc etc...

 

That we could never be the same, that it could never be how it was. Also said she was holding me back.

 

She then said I can't do this and said I have to go and hung up...

 

Said she would be home in two weeks and we could exchange our stuff then

that she would not be seeing me when she came home for holiday break. lol (like after hearing her I would think I would see her)

 

Before she was with me she partied a lot and would hook up with random guys and give them oral sex and some more. She told me they would treat her like a piece of meat and did not care about her at all. She felt bad about herself. Also she went with a guy and was raped. She always said she was not as she knew what she was getting into. Even though she kept telling him no and he forced himself on her physically and hurt her.

 

She loved me and having sex with me. I was the only one who ever made her orgasm and I would take my time with her until she trusted me completely.

 

Last Saturday I was out with friends, got home late and saw a text from her apologizing for sending a snapchat. She said she was so so so sorry she was responding to a snapchat from a friend she grew up with and hit kitty instead of Kyle (kitty is her nickname for me).

 

the picture was of her with "I miss you so much" on it..

 

I responded with "no problem, you made it perfectly clear how you feel about me the other day"

 

I respect you and your decision that you dont want me in your life anymore,

I don't agree with it but I accept it...

 

Later on the next afternoon she sent another text.

"I'm not trying to start a conversation. I just felt badly I was trying to respond to Kyle's snapchat but I was drunk and distracted and hit your name instead"

 

I responded with the same text as I said above...

 

Just totally shocked at what happened in 2.5 weeks. After coming here and reading about g.i.g.s I now understand what she is doing... She just flipped like that and freaked out... That's messed up

 

I am certain she is partying with all her new friends and may even be with someone or just hooking up already... they won't treat her as well as I did.

Maybe she just wants to slut around and party like she did before me. That way she does not have to deal with any emotions for me, she is not good with them as I posted earlier.

 

It's a shame she wants to push away someone she is best friends with, is always there for her, supports her totally no matter what, has great fun with, has great sex with, etc.. Don't see anyone at school treating her as well as I did...

 

I am in nc and don't plan on seeing or talking to her anytime soon...

Except to exchange items...

 

I love her and miss her. Mind boggling how she just flips like that in two weeks... Maybe she will miss me someday...

 

Sorry for such a long post, just got on a roll

Edited October 8, 2013 by Juha
change

[ponchsox]

Does this qualify as GIGS?

 

My gf of 1.5 years suddenly ended our relationship two weeks ago. No warning signs, we had just had amazing sex and talked about marriage stuff a week prior. She said she wasn't happy about lack of quality alone time we were getting (she's a single mom with issues w/ her child's father not being in the picture do to a drug problem and she lives an hour away) and didn't see it getting better any time soon.

 

I broke NC for a few days, we talked, I asked for a reconciliation, she said no because even if we did there would be trust issues for the way she handled the breakup. I did sent her some below the belt texts out of anger. I apologized, she forgave, said she wanted NC, since then I have been NC and feeling a little better each day. I have not had the urge to contact her at all. I'm over the anger phase and now missing her.

 

She also commented during our NC break that she may have just blown her future, but has to focus on her son getting better grades in school. Could this be GIGS for months, even a year or more where I might hear from her down the road (not that I want to)?

Edited October 8, 2013 by ponchsox

[andres]

It was amazing to discover that this "syndrome" is so common, it was just an intuition for me just a couple of days ago and I used to blame dumpers a lot more before reading this.

 

So here I write something about my nightmare.

 

Of course I am the dumpee, 6 years long dreamy relationship, perfect lovers, best friends, big plans, the kind of relationship that is impossible to end like this. Classic GIGS is deadly but it can get worse:

- Syndrome started a couple of months ago after relocating to a new city to start a new life together. A lot of new people met, new ideas, new grass very green. It started a couple of months ago... but I wasn't dumped yet. We're in a temporary break of 1 week, she went back to her hometown to clear her mind. When she's back I have to be prepared for anything.

- She knows she doesn't feel the same, has all the syntoms, but she doesn't have the strength to end the relationship. She is going literally crazy about the pain she's causing me and this is killing her probably more than me. I am wrecked but have to be the strong one and hope she actually ends this as soon as possible.

- Big big complication... she has nowhere else to go and she depends on my money. Her job is not enough for her, she has to find another one, another flat and I know all this is simply too much for her right now to cope with.

 

She'll be back in some days, hopefully with a final decision. I expect it to be "let's continue the break up process". But I fear this process will still take some months and I already know it would be awful and worse than anything she'll have a terrible terrible time.

 

I am done trying to convince her to work things out together and it was very hard for me to be around her during the last days. I was already convinced it was over and started to feel a lot cheated by her, because of all I gave and because... it kind of happend to me once and I resisted for her, for what she meant to me and the big value I have always given her.

 

How can I handle this torture the healthiest way?

I am thinking to look for another flat myself and tell her to take her time in the one we share, to find her space, her time, to forget about me, to start looking for a new job and for all she's missing in her life, but I am not sure if it's a good idea. She would also need a lot of convincing to accept this.

[Romaks]

It was amazing to discover that this "syndrome" is so common, it was just an intuition for me just a couple of days ago and I used to blame dumpers a lot more before reading this.

 

So here I write something about my nightmare.

 

Of course I am the dumpee, 6 years long dreamy relationship, perfect lovers, best friends, big plans, the kind of relationship that is impossible to end like this. Classic GIGS is deadly but it can get worse:

- Syndrome started a couple of months ago after relocating to a new city to start a new life together. A lot of new people met, new ideas, new grass very green. It started a couple of months ago... but I wasn't dumped yet. We're in a temporary break of 1 week, she went back to her hometown to clear her mind. When she's back I have to be prepared for anything.

- She knows she doesn't feel the same, has all the syntoms, but she doesn't have the strength to end the relationship. She is going literally crazy about the pain she's causing me and this is killing her probably more than me. I am wrecked but have to be the strong one and hope she actually ends this as soon as possible.

- Big big complication... she has nowhere else to go and she depends on my money. Her job is not enough for her, she has to find another one, another flat and I know all this is simply too much for her right now to cope with.

 

She'll be back in some days, hopefully with a final decision. I expect it to be "let's continue the break up process". But I fear this process will still take some months and I already know it would be awful and worse than anything she'll have a terrible terrible time.

 

I am done trying to convince her to work things out together and it was very hard for me to be around her during the last days. I was already convinced it was over and started to feel a lot cheated by her, because of all I gave and because... it kind of happend to me once and I resisted for her, for what she meant to me and the big value I have always given her.

 

How can I handle this torture the healthiest way?

I am thinking to look for another flat myself and tell her to take her time in the one we share, to find her space, her time, to forget about me, to start looking for a new job and for all she's missing in her life, but I am not sure if it's a good idea. She would also need a lot of convincing to accept this.

 

I feel for you, man. We're all going through it and it's very hard. We never know the outcome, so don't even waste your time analyzing. Do what's right for you, hope for the best, and improve yourself in any way you can.

[andres]

Thank you Romaks, it's always a relief to feel understood when going through this sort of nightmares.

 

Unfortunately I can't stop analyzing, as it is not over yet. She's in the middle of this GIGS thing, but ending our 6 year long relationship, living together and sharing everything (dreams, projects, house, money) will still take some time. During this time we'll have to keep seeing each other every day, even when we feel like the least. If it sounds like a torture, well it has been during the last months and it's going to be for a while longer. GIGS and forced cohabitation hit very hard on our judgement. So analyzing is the only thing allowing us (me) to take the right choices in the near future. There was a time when analyzing was totally useless and simply being together was all we needed to be happy, but it's over.

 

This is something she has to end. But I can't trust her judgement, considering all has happened. I hope she takes the right decision and leave. But if she will lack the strength, I will have to force her. Even if being happy with her again is all I want. Because I know that if we keep together now is only because we don't have the strength to end it and this will end up poisoning our lives for good.

 

In some days the break we agreed about will be over and she will be back again. Now... what if she tells me it was all a mistake, that staying with me is all she wants, that she wants to give it another try? A big part of myself holds on this hope, but at some level I know this would be the worst case scenario. Whatever it is she's experiencing, she has to go for it. She can't be complete without finding it, or without discovering it was nothing. I need to accept losing her, take the hardest decisions everyday, go NC and find myself again.

 

Our worst enemies in this process are loneliness, feeling totally lost and worthless without our partner. Our fresh start will be the day when we regain control over our lives and we feel actually happy alone with ourselves.

 

By the way, I read your story Romaks, it really looks like you didn't deserve anything of all that, as no GIGS dumpee appears to do. Keep up the good job, the pain will only make you a stronger person and if I can give you a piece of advice... in my opinion NC means also removing all social network connections. I couldn't take even a single facebook status update without feeling awful.

[hms_ocean]

I was recently dumped by a girl who I 100% believe was going through a serious case of GIGS but sadly not just with me but her entire life because she was so insecure, stubborn, set in her ways, unrealistic, selfishness, emotional ect that she keeps telling herself something is true weather it is or not and will run with it. She was the kind of person who would listen to what people say and then do it, meaning if she had a problem with me or something in her life she would ask for advice/ or be told on it from friends/ family and then take what they said. This was also because her entire life revolved around her friends and she literally had hardly any interests to speak of at all and if she did she didn't know much about them or good at it so she would use everyone to encourage her and tell her what to do. Otherwise she would be sitting at home doing absolutely nothing with herself. In the relationship it was always about what I was doing to her wrong (if anything?) and not what she was doing to me. This as many people on here have stated as some of the clear traits of someone who will commit to GIGS because they truly don't know what they are doing or what they really want and can't comprehend what a relationship really involves and will continue to look for it in other people. I did my up most best to show this girl my love by talking to her, encouraging her, telling her nice things about herself, showed an interest in her friends and things she liked, making sure I contacted her enough, took her to nice places and did nice things for her. It was like suddenly none of things mattered to her or even happened because as others have mentioned on here she used a few problems at the end that weren't even true to warrent her decision because she kept telling herself that. (Just to add she was also a walking contradiction in most cases)

(I tend to believe that these people usually have some sort of personality disorder but I think that's for a more in depth discussion).

 

With a girl like this you may think me crazy for even wanting to go out with her but I was sadly blinded by the fact that she was such a nice girl who seemed to care about people (I'm still not sure if she actually does, just to get things out of people) and was quite fun to be with. We had a number of things in common (with the little she had, but I had way more interests than which probably made her feel bad about herself) and the same views on things. Sadly she didn't take the time to explore any of these further because of the personality traits I mentioned above. I truly believe she left me for a friend she had and if she hasn't she still likes him. The truth is though that this man was a womeniser and a suck up. The sort of guy that women with this sort of personality would fall for stupidly. The way I see it, that she actually has nothing in common with this person, just the fact that he is the fun guy to go out with and not me. I'm 25 and she was 27. Now you're probably thinking that this is too old for GIGS although people have said it can happen and any age and it did in this situation for a reason. I'm a very mature person sometimes (yes sadly sometimes I can be immature too but so can everyone) and like to have discussions about things. I went out with an older girl because I believed they would suit me better for this reason. Sadly I came to discover that this girl wasn't acting her age. I was also her first relationship (for about 7 years anyway) and probably the only guy who would take her out when everyone else she liked didn't like her or too scared to ask out as she had told me. Now that she had me, she used me as way of showing her own self worth and that she could actually have a boyfriend.

 

I suppose I should've seen it coming (and at times because I'm sometimes too smart for my own good I actually did but didn't act on it quick enough because I was scared I would ruin the relationship that may not of been broken) because of the way she was and experience I have seen in other relationships where this has happened to people and this is where the entire immature part comes in because usually as I stated that's what they usually are.

 

My cousin had this happen to him twice (they are usually the caring guys in a relationship like me). Two women, one a short term relationship and one a long term relationship broke up with him but liked or loved him, left him for another guy or something else. And what happened? That's right, the two girls ended up in stupid relationships where they were treated as rubbish, one was completely miserable with her life after the break up and one ended up an entire 10 years after the relationship ringing up my auntie asking weather my cousin was still available. A WHOLE 10 YEARS!!!

 

And this where I want to give comfort not only myself but others who have experienced this. Relationships in my opinion are for the most part, are a load of nonsense because of silly immature people in most cases. The sole purpose really for most people sadly is just to find someone to be around and mate. And that's where people like us, the GIGS dumpees are usually the smart ones. Because we realise what a relationship is really all about. Having respect for each other, proper communication, wanting to take an interest in each others's interests, making sure proper contact is made and love is shown in both directions, a willingness to keep the relationship going because you know just how hard it is to truly find someone you really love. You may asked yourself with these experiences, how can this whole one true love thing really be explained with the amount of divorces these days? It can but can't because of society, why? because have you ever wondered how many people are going around in relationships that are screwed, flawed ect because they left a person that truly loved them and was the right match? and months, even years or decades down the track have realised they were wrong.

 

The whole reason why this is happening so much in our society is the notion of choice (oh and it's killing off everything else we have, not just relationships) and people being immature. People move from one thing to another only to realise down the track what they should've really had because society is confusing them so much because of this. If they see a case of GIGS, instead of working on it, they will just quit and go after something else. People also have no fight for things any more. If they feel something is wrong, it's not working ect they will jump ship as soon as they can without even trying to work it out. Always looking for the better or easy option weather it is or not.

 

The question sadly is, when is this going to end? Although I would really like to get back with this girl I truly have to keep telling myself now that people who commit GIGS will in some shape or form will always commit GIGS and you should stay away from them. Why? because as I said at the start they are-

insecure, stubborn, set in their ways, unrealistic, selfish, emotional, can't evaluating things properly, gullible-

dead set IMMATURE!

 

(oh just to add for another topic, if you're ever dating a girl who cries a lot or thinks badly of themselves in a number of ways, either talk to them about it or leave them. They are actually using their emotional tactics/ insecurities to emotionally abuse you and it isn't right and you will lead a life of nothing but stress for yourself if you don't try and stop it)

Edited October 13, 2013 by hms_ocean

[Stealth3]

I was also a victim of GIGS. Gf dumped me after she started talking to some guy with "an amazing personality" only to find out he is 12 years older and with a kid and then be rejected by him because she is too young for him.....

 

She ****ed up our relationship of almost a year for that..... Found out grass aint always greener on the other side the hard way I guess.

[honest-abe]

This is quite long but if someone could take the time and read it and give me some advice it would mean the world to me! :

 

 

Background:

Me and this girl both moved to a big city nearly 500 miles away last year from separate small towns only 40 miles apart from each other we had never met and when we arrived in the big city we were fortunate enough to meet at a student party in the first few weeks and we hit it off immediately we got to know each other for a few weeks by going to the cinema and other things we basically spent every couple of days with each other then things went down the boyfriend/girlfriend route we started out slow only kissing each other for about 5 months as she was a virgin and I had previous experience prior to our relationship so I wouldn't ask or even allude to having sex with her leading up to her birthday she asked me if I'd like to have sex with her and I was reluctant at first but she assured me she was ready and told me she wants me to be the one to take her virginity so we did . She would then come and stay at my flat for the weekend between Thursday and Monday and I would stay at hers Tuesday to Wednesday.

 

The relationship was really good we never once argued we had a lot in common, music tastes, movies and the like and basically had quite similar outlook on life we would maybe have what I like to call our huffy moments as most people do but that was it no arguing, I let her have her space she let me have mine I encouraged her to go out and she would I even was cool with a male friend staying in her bedroom with her for four days cause I trusted her that much and even her flat mate said that when she asked her boyfriend if she could have a male friend stay for the weekend he went nuts and demanded her stay in a different flat (we live in student halls) she even came to a family wedding about 7 months after we started going out she would come and stay at my family home three times we hadn't told each other we love one and other.

 

A few times through the year we would be away from each other for weeks on one occasion my college finished early and I got 6 weeks holiday over Christmas and I went home and when I came back it was like I never left but the dreaded time came 4 months later when we both finished our year at college and went home for three months we both got summer jobs so we couldn't see each other much and she got more time of than me so she would come up and stay at mine on 2 occasions anyway the last time she stayed at mine was a month before we broke up.

 

We talked everyday and was planning on both going back to the big city for another year of college and she asked me to stay with her on occasions as I decided on not taking another year at college so I said I'd come and stay with her anyway and find a flat in the city we was going really good and two days before she dumped me she Facebooked me saying ''I can't wait to see you'' which I replied with my either and we chatted like boyfriends and girlfriends do so then a day goes by she goes out to a club cause she was in the big city already for college and I was due to come down a few weeks later she then cheated on me with another guy and the next morning broke it by text I called her straight up and she was in tears and then told me she cheated on my the night before and said she has no feelings for me anymore and hasn't had for a month bearing in mind she stayed at my house and was in constant contact with me and even said two days prior she can't wait to see me. So I said okay I understand and we chatted and I told her don't feel bad and we exchanged texts and Facebook messages everyday for two weeks like nothing changed except we were no longer an item. Anyway We talked about why we split and she said she's young and that she ''wants to experience all the fun aspects of what other girls experience'' Which I said I understand and I asked her if she was to get in another relationship please don't plaster it on Facebook as that would break me she agreed and said that she doesn't want to hurt me so she won't she even said this ''I wont have sex with them I'll just kiss them'' ''I won't be getting another boyfriend for quite a good while'' Anyway we chatted on a Monday and things were going well and we discussed again that is she gets a new man not to let me know about it and again she said I will never hurt you anyway 4 days go by I scroll down my Facebook page and BAM she's in a new relationship so I was obviously upset and messaged her right away ''Way to care about my feelings, did you have to put that on Facebook'' she quickly replied with ''God man whatever... I'm young'' then I went from being upset to now also angry I overreacted through my toys out the pram and defriended her but we still were exchanging messages for about 20 minutes and nothing bad then all of a sudden she blocked me so I text her twice from my phone and 2 minutes after the last text I called her 'she answered with ''Hello whose this'' I told her it was me (even though she exchanged texts from my 2 minutes before hand) she then told me she'd report me if I contact her again and she wants me out of her life I begged her to hear me out so she did and I tried to explain myself for a couple of minutes while upset I could her her crying to I think!? then I asked her what she thinks and she said that she told her mum , dad and brother and because of the way I have acted she wants me outta her life and hung up.

 

I have since sent her a email apologizing but don't think I'll hear anything back.

 

My question is:

 

I know she liked me me everyone said she was infatuated with me I don't want her back as a girlfriend just yet but do you think she may contact me later down the line like in a few months. Has there been occasions where someone realizes they made a mistake and rekindle feelings for someone even if they haven't seen or heard from that person for months?

 

I know a lot of you are gonna say move on I will try to but I feel like she's not thinking straight and has made a decision she may come to regret as we had a solid, steady paced relationship but those months apart from seeing eachother on a daily basis may have tricked her into thinking she's over me.

 

Now saying all that I can learn to live with it if she really has lost those feelings for me and is happy in her new relationship and has no desire to come back to me in a relationship sense but what I'am struggling with is how I may never hear from her again over one outburst. I really care about her and I'am already in no contact and I will wait for her to contact me, 6 months to a year down the line I just hope that she doesn't forget me. So I'm gonna give her space and let her current relationship blossom without the big bad wolf lurking in the woods.

 

I just really care about this girl she was the first person to actually give a damn about me!

[hms_ocean]

honest-abe- I know your pain mate. As you can see from my post above I'm going through exactly the same thing, down to the very point of wondering about the whole will I ever make contact with this person ever again. I think that's the toughest part of all because anyone you care about so deeply who just disappears out of your life, it basically feels like they a dead and not alive anymore to you, although in this case you know they are and I know how that feels because I have experienced a lot of deaths in my life. As I said although my girlfriend was 27 she had the maturity level of a much younger person and once again it comes down to that point. If the girl you love really acts like that, do you really want to be with them in the first place if your smart enough even to come on sites like this and wonder about things like this when they probably wouldn't have a clue about things like that, simply because they don't really care until it happens to them and if it was their first relationship or like mine for a long time (if she ever had one, was too scared to ask her in case it embarrassed her), they wont. They simply do not understand.

The other situation in mine and perhaps for you to, once you look back on the relationship with people like this is that somewhere along the line you begin to wonder (even if they did say they liked you and kissed you) did they really care about how you felt in the relationship and it was all about them.

 

As hard as it is, I think the main question you have to ask yourself is this. What do you think will hurt most? Having no contact with this girl forever and bases on the chance she may come back or try to speak to her again, try and be friends but put up with the fact that she has another guy because that is a really tough and brave thing to do.

 

To answer your question about will they remember you? Going by what everyone tells me, people always and I mean always remember the people they have dated. And if they end up in bad relationships and the older they get, the ones who left a good impression on them always end up having said about them, ''geez, I wish I had stayed with that person', sadly weathe you ever hear them say it or not.

 

For now this is what I'm doing. Searching around for other girls and truly wanting to be with them as well, but still putting in the back of my mine that perhaps she will contact me some day. The trouble is that may take years and your life can flash before your eyes. Because as with all relationships, look how many people are on here, there is no garuntee they will work out, even if they get married. Why do this, isn't this cheating on the person you youself end up with? No, because as I just stated, no one ever forgets the people they go out with and care for. You just have to hope you left a good enough impression on them.

 

Take care.

[for666]

I was recently dumped by a girl who I 100% believe was going through a serious case of GIGS but sadly not just with me but her entire life because she was so insecure, stubborn, set in her ways, unrealistic, selfishness, emotional ect that she keeps telling herself something is true weather it is or not and will run with it. She was the kind of person who would listen to what people say and then do it, meaning if she had a problem with me or something in her life she would ask for advice/ or be told on it from friends/ family and then take what they said. This was also because her entire life revolved around her friends and she literally had hardly any interests to speak of at all and if she did she didn't know much about them or good at it so she would use everyone to encourage her and tell her what to do. Otherwise she would be sitting at home doing absolutely nothing with herself. In the relationship it was always about what I was doing to her wrong (if anything?) and not what she was doing to me. This as many people on here have stated as some of the clear traits of someone who will commit to GIGS because they truly don't know what they are doing or what they really want and can't comprehend what a relationship really involves and will continue to look for it in other people. I did my up most best to show this girl my love by talking to her, encouraging her, telling her nice things about herself, showed an interest in her friends and things she liked, making sure I contacted her enough, took her to nice places and did nice things for her. It was like suddenly none of things mattered to her or even happened because as others have mentioned on here she used a few problems at the end that weren't even true to warrent her decision because she kept telling herself that. (Just to add she was also a walking contradiction in most cases)

(I tend to believe that these people usually have some sort of personality disorder but I think that's for a more in depth discussion).

 

With a girl like this you may think me crazy for even wanting to go out with her but I was sadly blinded by the fact that she was such a nice girl who seemed to care about people (I'm still not sure if she actually does, just to get things out of people) and was quite fun to be with. We had a number of things in common (with the little she had, but I had way more interests than which probably made her feel bad about herself) and the same views on things. Sadly she didn't take the time to explore any of these further because of the personality traits I mentioned above. I truly believe she left me for a friend she had and if she hasn't she still likes him. The truth is though that this man was a womeniser and a suck up. The sort of guy that women with this sort of personality would fall for stupidly. The way I see it, that she actually has nothing in common with this person, just the fact that he is the fun guy to go out with and not me. I'm 25 and she was 27. Now you're probably thinking that this is too old for GIGS although people have said it can happen and any age and it did in this situation for a reason. I'm a very mature person sometimes (yes sadly sometimes I can be immature too but so can everyone) and like to have discussions about things. I went out with an older girl because I believed they would suit me better for this reason. Sadly I came to discover that this girl wasn't acting her age. I was also her first relationship (for about 7 years anyway) and probably the only guy who would take her out when everyone else she liked didn't like her or too scared to ask out as she had told me. Now that she had me, she used me as way of showing her own self worth and that she could actually have a boyfriend.

 

I suppose I should've seen it coming (and at times because I'm sometimes too smart for my own good I actually did but didn't act on it quick enough because I was scared I would ruin the relationship that may not of been broken) because of the way she was and experience I have seen in other relationships where this has happened to people and this is where the entire immature part comes in because usually as I stated that's what they usually are.

 

My cousin had this happen to him twice (they are usually the caring guys in a relationship like me). Two women, one a short term relationship and one a long term relationship broke up with him but liked or loved him, left him for another guy or something else. And what happened? That's right, the two girls ended up in stupid relationships where they were treated as rubbish, one was completely miserable with her life after the break up and one ended up an entire 10 years after the relationship ringing up my auntie asking weather my cousin was still available. A WHOLE 10 YEARS!!!

 

And this where I want to give comfort not only myself but others who have experienced this. Relationships in my opinion are for the most part, are a load of nonsense because of silly immature people in most cases. The sole purpose really for most people sadly is just to find someone to be around and mate. And that's where people like us, the GIGS dumpees are usually the smart ones. Because we realise what a relationship is really all about. Having respect for each other, proper communication, wanting to take an interest in each others's interests, making sure proper contact is made and love is shown in both directions, a willingness to keep the relationship going because you know just how hard it is to truly find someone you really love. You may asked yourself with these experiences, how can this whole one true love thing really be explained with the amount of divorces these days? It can but can't because of society, why? because have you ever wondered how many people are going around in relationships that are screwed, flawed ect because they left a person that truly loved them and was the right match? and months, even years or decades down the track have realised they were wrong.

 

The whole reason why this is happening so much in our society is the notion of choice (oh and it's killing off everything else we have, not just relationships) and people being immature. People move from one thing to another only to realise down the track what they should've really had because society is confusing them so much because of this. If they see a case of GIGS, instead of working on it, they will just quit and go after something else. People also have no fight for things any more. If they feel something is wrong, it's not working ect they will jump ship as soon as they can without even trying to work it out. Always looking for the better or easy option weather it is or not.

 

The question sadly is, when is this going to end? Although I would really like to get back with this girl I truly have to keep telling myself now that people who commit GIGS will in some shape or form will always commit GIGS and you should stay away from them. Why? because as I said at the start they are-

insecure, stubborn, set in their ways, unrealistic, selfish, emotional, can't evaluating things properly, gullible-

dead set IMMATURE!

 

(oh just to add for another topic, if you're ever dating a girl who cries a lot or thinks badly of themselves in a number of ways, either talk to them about it or leave them. They are actually using their emotional tactics/ insecurities to emotionally abuse you and it isn't right and you will lead a life of nothing but stress for yourself if you don't try and stop it)

 

 

k i have to say it My Eng is bad...

so i cant explain like you did but you are 10000b% right

 

gigs are trait of immature person

 

and i'm lucky that iv experience it

cos now i understand love ( not that i didn't but now i value hard work even more)

it's not about those Butterfly's feeling and how much can i get get get..

it's about work HARD WORK it never gonna be easy NEVER

gigs people don't get it (eventually they will cos Reality heat hard)

 

and yes you are wright wright wright

i know i'm better then they are ^^

 

from my perspective all tho it hurt (breaking my heart) i didn't act or cry'd or beg'd , i acted cool and contain'd i did try to fight but it was a short fight with no pressure just some small talking there and there..

 

but people that have gig's give us something that they will never have..

they actually teach us about love more (they actually make us much more stronger then they are ^^)

 

it's life

i know that i don't fall in love with emotion's at the end...

i loved and had butterfly's but in time it's just ... get usual.. casual..

but i know it's how it suppose to be.. no emotional just this deep feeling of worm understanding (that you are respected equity)

and trust ( it's like having a best friend) but with some + + (gender)

and understanding that I can worm those feeling with actions .. but it's never gonna last for ever (a.c emotional love)

and it's all hard work

just don't give up in bad time (we all have them) and you gonna be happy

 

and only strong people know it (mature)

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

Hey guys, I love this post and it fits my situation very well. But i'd like you to go to my post and just read through it, I'd like some opinions, anything really.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/434210-typical-g-i-g-s-breakup

[organizedchaos]

Does this qualify as GIGS?

 

My gf of 1.5 years suddenly ended our relationship two weeks ago. No warning signs, we had just had amazing sex and talked about marriage stuff a week prior. She said she wasn't happy about lack of quality alone time we were getting (she's a single mom with issues w/ her child's father not being in the picture do to a drug problem and she lives an hour away) and didn't see it getting better any time soon.

 

I broke NC for a few days, we talked, I asked for a reconciliation, she said no because even if we did there would be trust issues for the way she handled the breakup. I did sent her some below the belt texts out of anger. I apologized, she forgave, said she wanted NC, since then I have been NC and feeling a little better each day. I have not had the urge to contact her at all. I'm over the anger phase and now missing her.

 

She also commented during our NC break that she may have just blown her future, but has to focus on her son getting better grades in school. Could this be GIGS for months, even a year or more where I might hear from her down the road (not that I want to)?

 

Doesn't sound that way to me. To me it sounds like she wasn't feeling it anymore and wants to focus on her child, not seeing what else is out there for her. I mean, that's exactly what she told you.

[Lost_Dragon]

This is about 50% completely wrong.

Dont send your a text telling they will "always be your baby"

How attractive do you think you are to someone when they have been out ****ing people and you lie there like a doormat and insinuate that you want to get back with them.

You know what builds attraction? Chasing, thats is, the only thing that will make her attracted to you here is your value going up, and he wanting it.

And that is when she will chase

If she does not think you are over it, then she does not have to balance the feelings of being broken up.

because in her head she knows she can get you back at any point

 

And besides that, we are men. GIG syndrom. What the **** ever.

If she wants to go out an **** other guys fine. But dont take her back.

 

Dont even contemplate taking her back and dont play all this stupid nice guy bull****. Tell her to **** off and blank her calls.

 

She is ****ing other people. She doesnt deserve to be pampered and "understood"

Im sorry, but she wants dick, she is out there trying to get as much dick as possible. And the only reason she will ever want your dick again is if the dick she is currently getting gets boring.

 

Are you going to sit there and wait for that to happen?

Or are you going to man up and go and **** some other women?

 

****ing hell, what happened to being a man, its becoming embarrassing!!

 

And i would just like to add, that this whole post is made to make the author feel scientific about their weak behaviour.

You dont sound clever, you just sound hung up

And everyone agreeing. be honest. You are only agreeing because you want reason to forgive your ex if she ever takes your pathetic ass back once shes got tired of getting boned by everyone else

 

MAN UP!!

 

I would have to agree. Some things should be seen as they are and not over analyzed. If the person ended it with you and is in another serious relationship that you feel is betraying what you had then you need to let them go. Even if they realized they messed up or whatever. You show them that they can walk all over your emotions and still get what they want. Most people don't ever change much or find ways to cover their tracks. Loyalty, Trust and Honor should never be a doubt in your mind. Once they cross that line and do it in a way that hurts you, that should be the end of it. Let them keep repeating mistakes on other people. Don't let them drain your dignity. You can't fix people. They must fix themselves.

[virtuzoso]

Oh man.... I have been reading through this thread and even though I know what I should do... It sucks...

 

I have G.I.G.S. A severe case. It's been getting worse over the last year of this 5.5 yr relationship. I love her, she great. A nice girl, level headed, smart, down to earth. And yet,... over the last year I've had this nagging feeling that something is missing, something is just not right.

 

We have been more distant, less physical on both our parts, but for me, I know I've been mentally more distant. She actually wanted to take a break last year, and we discussed our goals and we decided not too. But ever since....

 

This week I ran into someone who barely even registered as an aquaintance ( a teller @ my bank). We'd never shared anything other than hello's and my account balance But I came across during my job, she needed some help and I picked up on some vibes and I felt that feeling, you know? So much that I, completely spontaneously, gave her my number. It was as if I was outside of my body watching myself do something I would never do.

 

And yet, there I was doing it. And here I am reading about my 'condition' and what I should do and godddamn do I dread it. I'm still not even sure if I should do it, but I also kind of cant help it. And as someone who is NEVER out of control of themselves, this is a totally wierd and confusing situation.

 

So for all of you who've been on the recieving end of this ( which I have been in the past), cut the dumper a little slack, because if your dumper feels anything like I do right now, it sucks and is the most confusing feeling in the world, its like mixing nausea and elation and curiosity and dread into a blender. Yuck!

[andres]

When it's over you have to end it virtuzoso... The last thing you can expect is the dumpee to be understanding. But sometimes that can happen.

It's my case. I wrote about my case some posts above. She came back from her break in her hometown and she decided to end it. There is also another guy, but I will never understand whether he was the cause or a consequence. The thing is I decided to be the good guy anyways. She'll move away when she'll be ready and she'll have my support until that day, even though she broke my heart after 6 years.

Very difficult decision. When I caught her on the street with the other guy I was ready to kick her off the apartment and my life for good. But then I thought it through. I don't want to do anything I'll end up regretting. When hate takes over, I just shut the **** up and cool off. The reason is she's in a position much more fragile than mine and I can really really hurt her in 1000 possible ways, even accidentally. Sometimes I believe this is consuming her much more than me. So I just take the advantage to do the only thing I can do to make her feel better, let her breathe, even though the only thing I need is her to move away of my life and let me get over her.

There is a chance she doesn't deserve anything about this, but I still want her to be better and happy and to try my best to be able to say one day I gave her everything I could until the last moment. That's what counts for me, because I know it's over and there is no way we'll ever get back together again. I wouldn't take her back even if I had the chance.

 

So yes, dumpers have a terrible time too and they might be understood. But never forget that dumpees have never asked for this to happen, so feel very lucky when you have their support and never expect them to.

[bobby326]

A few people have said that they think this is what may be going on with my ex. We fight frequently towards the end because she was in party mode and I was getting ready to settle down. We never really talked much about marriage but I assumed she knew I wanted that eventually since we were living with eachother. It's been over 2 months since she left and she went back home to her family in another city claiming she never wanted to leave them in the first place and were not compatible and all that. The breakup was triggered by her getting drunk nd making out with some guy, I feel like after that she focused on all our issues and justified her decision that way and she missed her family as well. Since then no shred of evidence that she regrets her decision or misses me, I know she is getting drunk all the time. It's been about a month of NC, last Convo was pretty nasty, about 2 weeks ago got a text about my grandpa passing away but I just responded thank you. I wonder if she is suffering from gigs or just hasint loved me and was afraid to talk to me or try to work things out. I wonder if she will ever regret what she did about leaving so suddenly, she lives in a dream world where couples never have hard times. Btw we dated for 4 1/2 years, lived together for 1 1/2 years, I am 26, she is 24. The day before she got drunk and cheated we went on a really nice date and told each other we love each other all that ****, I'm just so confused.

Edited October 31, 2013 by bobby326

[bedelgeuse]

Im in a textbook case:

 

-She is 24. I am 29

-We lived together for 8 months, together for 1.5 years

-We started dating her first year post college

-I am her admitted most serious relationship she has had

-She became emotionally distant the months leading up to the BU

-She stopped initiating sex 3 months prior to the BU

-Went on a temporary LDR (due to work) and within 2 weeks breaks up

 

All the reasons for the breakup included:

"I don't know what I want"

"I'm not in love with you anymore"

"I need to find myself"

"I worry for you as a friend"

"I feel like I'm only 15% of myself, why would you want that?"

"I just can't be in a serious relationship right now"

 

Needless to say I'm crushed. She was my best relationship ever, but she dropped me like nothing. 15 days NC-

[McMike]

Hi guys,

 

I was in a 2 year LDR and my girlfriend decided to break it off due to the distance. She has 2 years until she finishes uni and feels she needs someone physically there with her. She also wants to experience more relationships before settling down. She says she still loves me very much and if it wasn't for the distance we'd still be happily together. She asked if there's a possibility that we can get together after she finishes uni and at first, in my state of anger, sadness and disbelief I told her to dream on and also called her a bunch of nasty names.

 

After I cooled down, read some advice online, including this thread, I decided to apologise and forgive her. I understood that she is young and wants to experience more in life and said "do what you gotta do and I'll do the same, if we're meant to be, we might reconnect in the future." I told her to not contact me for at least 6 months or until I've gotten over her, however long that may take. She was reluctant to let go but decided it was the best for the both of us.

 

I hope I have said and done the right things as I really do love her and I guess we'll see what happens in the future.

 

I hope I will report back in 2 years time with a happy outcome but I will let life run its course.

[TylerDurdenn]

Exactly the same circumstances as the op stated, she can't give me reasons for the break up and we finished on very positive terms. It makes no sense at all.

 

Chicken nuggets.

[justtrying]

She's in her early 20s, went from perfect and her absolutely adoring me to her suddenly saying she doesn't feel the same. She's concerned about the future a lot but DOES want to commit, I never said I wouldn't commit. I have to walk past her house every day it's so hard holding myself back from knocking. Is this likely GIGS? I want her back so much

[Moonbeam18]

Sorry this is so long, just feel like the details are important to understand our relationship and since its been on-going for almost 10 years, it's hard to sum up in a few words. Thanks for taking the time to help.

 

 

I have never been the type of girl that sticks to a committed relationship. My current boyfriend and I met when we were both young, only 11 years old, and were almost immediate best friends. As we got older, I could tell he felt more than just friendship for me, and I had an inkling of those feelings for him, but I was still wrapped up in a long-term crush on another boy and being an exceptionally rational pre-teen, I worried that if I tried to date my best friend it would only end with our friendship being destroyed.

 

So, we never took it any farther, and eventually grew apart (partially due to my treating him terribly in favour of new friends) through high school, and I moved away for three years while returning quite often for visits, which sometimes included him.

 

Than one day I woke up with this panicked feeling. As if I had lost him. I called crying and calmed down once he reassured me that we were still, and would always be, best friends. And just like that we were back. And he had a new GF, who I was very jealous over, but she turned out to be a wacko and when he soon became single again. It took no time before I had moved back to the town I'd grown up in and my boyfriend and I were jumping into bed every night; spending as much time as we could together during the day.

 

 

But there was still another man in my life. My best friend for 5 years at that point. A man, who for 3 months had shared my bedroom without any sexual conflicts, that I could argue with and not fear hurting his feelings or alienating him, the only man to ever recommend, not just a band I actually did come to adore, but specifically pick out the songs I would add to my top played list. A man, who I had been more honest and real with than anyone else ever, but who was exceptionally self-destructive and together we encouraged a mutual self-destruction, mostly through drug abuse. We had been pinpointed by friends and by complete strangers at parties as the perfect couple. Often, I felt that we really could be, but I was unwilling to destroy our friendship because of how important he had become to me, and I was too afraid to admit my feelings in fear of alienating him.

 

Than he admitted it to me. On New Years, which we had spent together, as the night was wrapping up. And I slept with him. And than I did it again. And again. But I couldn't get passed the fact that he had so many obvious issues with alcohol dependence that he needed to figure himself out before he tried to add me to his life. So I told him just that. And he told me he understood and just wanted me to be happy,, no matter what that meant.

 

I believe he meant it when he said it. Nonetheless, he found a way to start a huge fight between my boyfriend and I and himself. It grew to the point that I had to remove him from my life and I haven't spoken to him in over a year. But I miss him every day still. I've been told him wants to apologize now, but because this is the second time his drug issues have hurt me someway, I can't bring myself to forgive and forget again. But I think about him all the time. And I miss the relationship that we used to have, and I miss having that person who knows me better than I know myself.

 

Within a few months of this happening and about 9 months into serious dating, my boyfriend and I had moved in together and everything was going fantastically. I'd began to really enjoy being in a relationship that let me be independent, but also provided security and companionship. And being with him was also very effective for keeping me from the destructive path I make a habit of walking.

 

Over time, two other guy friends had grown to be my best friends and while one of them consistently hinted about me being the perfect girl, I was very much in love and had no qualms about confronting him, making it clear that I loved my boyfriend and despite the occasional complaint, I was never going to cheat on the boyfriend. He said he understood and was only having fun, and understood he was only going to get turned down. This went fine, and he still has not ever pushed me to leave my boyfriend or to cheat or even made any move that felt too close or too intimate for friendship.

 

Still, somehow, I find myself falling for him. And I want to spend more time with him and less with my boyfriend. My boyfriend always seems to be at odds with me. We fail to find common ground on almost anything, and never do anything together besides an occasional dog walk or movie on the couch. I feel trapped into being his mother. Cooking, cleaning, and finding his keys for him. Always having to nag him just to get little things around the house done for me. Spending the weekends doing laundry and cleaning while he is out hunting or taking extra shifts at work. I hate listening to him complain about work, and complain about my friends. Often, I find myself thinking he is acting like his father, who is insanely egotistical, selfish, and old fashioned in his view of the world. Not so much in a chauvinist type of way, but in a "work til your 50 and than retire too raise your grandkids" sort of way. I don't want marriage, kids, or to retire. I want to travel sooner, not later. I want to explore the opportunities I have been lucky enough to be born into. None of this seems to be reality to my boyfriend though, who routinely will pepper conversations with things like "when we have kids..." or "when we get married.."

 

But than, he is also so perfect. So encouraging and comforting when I feel lost and stressed to the max. He always lets me know if he isn't going to be home or if he will be late out with friends. We agree on so many of the big picture things. Be it political issues, religion, sex, or even just how to handle tough situations. Never gets jealous over my excess of male friends (Ive never been good with girls) and never lets a day pass where he doesn't remind me he loves me more than anything. Yet, when he buys me gifts for my birthday or our anniversary, he doesn't know me well enough to purchase a gift I love without my pointing him in the right direction. He has even got me a gift which I routinely say is a useless item to me because I never think to use it. It still has never been used.

 

At several points in our relationship, I have found myself questioning staying with him. And always end up glad I stayed, but lately I have been seeking solace in my personal addictions, and wanting to spend more time with friends and family over spending time with him. And that one flirty friend has become my own crush. He seems to get me more on a personal and unique level than my current boyfriend. But, this friend once again has his own demons, and encourages mine (but less destructively than the last one) which keeps me from envisioning us as much more than **** buddies. But I still find myself daydreaming of being single with him. Not to mention my friends are sick of listening to me complain about the same annoying things my boyfriend does all the time, and tell me that I sound almost cruel when I reference him.

 

I know I am saying things I shouldn't and that it would hurt my boyfriend to hear them, but I can't bring myself to break up with him over GIGS, let alone separate our lives from what they are. (We have a dog, share a house that I own but he has helped deal with renters and bills) He does mean a lot to me, and I love him, I can't imagine life without him there to back me up. Even my family loves him. I don't know whether this is just me destroying another relationship (usually I dont make it passed 6 months and this is going on 4 years) or if my judgement is clouded with stress, drugs, and GIGS. Or even if I'm just kidding myself over our relationship.

 

I'd appreciate any advice. Often strangers can see between the lines better than anyone near the page, let alone the author.

Please help me clear this confusion up, and tell me if I'm being a bitch letting this continue, or if I'm an idiot to give up what I have.

[jod1983]

Here is my story. I was recently dating a single mother and this was my first time ever dating one. I admit that I was going slow because she was recently divorced and I wanted us to take our time, however she insisted that " what was there to think about' we went to same schools together and grew up In the same neighborhood, and telling me to just take a leap of faith and trust it. I finally took on the challenge and started doing my research by learning on sites on how to be patient in this sort of relationship, this made me excited. So we start dating and getting to the point to where we would chat before bed and my heart was really opening up to her and her two daughters until something strange starting happening. One day I stopped hear from her. I tried texting, calling and leaving a voice mail but I got no response from her. I started to feel confused and lost, therefore back tracking to see if I went wrong somewhere. I finally receive a message from her stating that her ex husband had an overdose and she needs to be there for him and her daughters and that I don't deserve to be put to the side while she tries to resolve these issues. I let her know that I understand and that I'm willing to wait for her if she'll have me. She goes on to say that it's not fair for me and that I deserve to be happy and that I need to find the perfect person for me. she keeps telling me its not fair for me like she wants me to walk on away on my own without her having to tell me to leave. why do you think that? I don't want to lose her completely so I put out my friendship and she accepted it. well it got to a point where I would see how she was doing once a week and she would thank me for checking on her, then during a conversation starts about how I should start meeting someone. I told her that I didn't really want to right away after wait happened. Then she goes on about how guilty she is about what happened and tells me that she has a lot on her plate and she can't talk to me anymore because she feels guilty every time we talked and she wished me the best. I told her that I can't do anything to convince you that this is worth trying to make work, so I kindly wish her and her daughters the best. It has been a month today since we last spoke.

[strive]

Here is my story. I was recently dating a single mother and this was my first time ever dating one. I admit that I was going slow because she was recently divorced and I wanted us to take our time, however she insisted that " what was there to think about' we went to same schools together and grew up In the same neighborhood, and telling me to just take a leap of faith and trust it. I finally took on the challenge and started doing my research by learning on sites on how to be patient in this sort of relationship, this made me excited. So we start dating and getting to the point to where we would chat before bed and my heart was really opening up to her and her two daughters until something strange starting happening. One day I stopped hear from her. I tried texting, calling and leaving a voice mail but I got no response from her. I started to feel confused and lost, therefore back tracking to see if I went wrong somewhere. I finally receive a message from her stating that her ex husband had an overdose and she needs to be there for him and her daughters and that I don't deserve to be put to the side while she tries to resolve these issues. I let her know that I understand and that I'm willing to wait for her if she'll have me. She goes on to say that it's not fair for me and that I deserve to be happy and that I need to find the perfect person for me. she keeps telling me its not fair for me like she wants me to walk on away on my own without her having to tell me to leave. why do you think that? I don't want to lose her completely so I put out my friendship and she accepted it. well it got to a point where I would see how she was doing once a week and she would thank me for checking on her, then during a conversation starts about how I should start meeting someone. I told her that I didn't really want to right away after wait happened. Then she goes on about how guilty she is about what happened and tells me that she has a lot on her plate and she can't talk to me anymore because she feels guilty every time we talked and she wished me the best. I told her that I can't do anything to convince you that this is worth trying to make work, so I kindly wish her and her daughters the best. It has been a month today since we last spoke.

 

That's not GIGS.

 

It really is unfair to you to be put on the sidelines while she sorts out the mess in her own life. She's doing you a kindness and you're lucky she's not selfish enough to make you wait.

 

I suggest you do what she tells you. Let go, move on, try to find other people, or if you don't want, concentrate on yourself and do things that make you happy. You'll eventually find someone who is a better fit for you.

 

Or maybe you can't be with her today, but maybe in a few years you can once she is able to let go of all her baggage. If you're meant to be together, you eventually will.

 

Good luck!