"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[jod1983]

That's not GIGS.

 

It really is unfair to you to be put on the sidelines while she sorts out the mess in her own life. She's doing you a kindness and you're lucky she's not selfish enough to make you wait.

 

I suggest you do what she tells you. Let go, move on, try to find other people, or if you don't want, concentrate on yourself and do things that make you happy. You'll eventually find someone who is a better fit for you.

 

Or maybe you can't be with her today, but maybe in a few years you can once she is able to let go of all her baggage. If you're meant to be together, you eventually will.

 

Good luck!

I actually forgot to add that a week later she had her dating profile back up.

[Freshstart17]

What does it mean when she says:

 

"I wish I could feel differently. I'm sad that things have come to what they have. I wish things could have gone differently."

 

I wish people were just more straightforward. Seriously

[Ftheeastcoast]

What does it mean when she says:

 

"I wish I could feel differently. I'm sad that things have come to what they have. I wish things could have gone differently."

 

I wish people were just more straightforward. Seriously

 

 

It means nothing, stop talking to her. Tell her you don't have time for wishing. You want a woman who has her head straight and cares about you and acts like it. Then cut out contact. Empathy is the worst move you can make for you and her.

 

Who in this situation has the power to grant that wish? Who made things come to what they have? Who could have made things go differently?

 

Classic example of a girl acting like she's a victim because she has no clue how to handle her emotions and how they impact you.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Ftheeastcoast

[shamefullyjaded]

I feel like after reading a large number of these posts Ishould post my story and see if G.I.G.S qualifies. So, please help me to understand.

 

My ex-boyfriend met over 8 years ago with the encouragement ofhis mother. He and I had become friendsbecause her daughter dates my brother. We had a blast hanging out together and hit it off. He officially moved in after 4 months. We hadsome struggles through out the beginning stages of our relationship. We had some fights but always came backtogether. Unfortunately before we dated,there was some negative history with our families. Neither of us thought twice about thoseissues and I guess became naive that it would ever get in the way of ourrelationship. Fast forward several yearslater and the negative history became a focal point. We are about 2 years into the relationship atthis point. We decided to do counseling tohelp us communicate better. It workedand we just agreed to disagree about the family issue and focus on us and trynot to let the issue get in between us.

 

Thing were good for many years, we commented lots of timehow our relationship is so much stronger then other because we don’t fightabout the small petty things. Going onour 5 year anniversary we find out we are pregnant. He already had a daughter from a previous relationship,which came to visit on weekend, so we are use to having a child around. During the pregnancy we had a rocky moment becauseof the family issues but again we worked it out. He would tell me constantly how much he lovedme. We talked about marriage all thetime through out the relationship. He would tell me “when we get married..not if.” (I was always the main bread winner in the house.)

 

Fast forward two years later..(which was last year) his daddies unexpectedly. Young guy only53. I got the call in the wee hours ofthe morning. We start having relationship problems again but we work throughthem. We go back to counseling becausethe family problems arise again. Idecided to distance myself from my family at this point. I didn’t like the decision they have madethrough out the years. I also did thisto prove to my boyfriend that he and our children were my first and only priority.Things were great no issues.

 

Towards the end of September beginning of October of thisyear he started to become distant. I thoughtbecause it was the anniversary of this father death. I gave him space. We went to a counseling session on 10/16 and Imentioned the distance. He said nothingwas wrong and didn’t understand why I was so upset. I make a minor comment and he blew up. Didn’t talk to me for a few days, said he wasunsure about our relationship when I finally approached him. He brings up all the negative things aboutour relationship and then tells me we are through. I was completely blindsided. He blamed me and the family issues as the reason for breakup. He acted so cold towards me; was down rightmean towards me. (we were still livingtogether at the time) Said he couldn’t trust me and that he was afraid of me.

 

Something didn’t seem right to me. I couldn’t understand why after 8 years ofworking it out, one day he would just decide we were finished for no goodreason; especially since we have a 2.5 year old at home. I started snooping through his email andfound 4 pictures (1 mildly inappropriate) of this girl sent to him just 1 dayafter he told me we were through. I duga little deeper to find out the day before he broke up with me they weretexting each other. He is 32 and she just turned 20. I never snoopedbefore but knew there had to be something more.

 

Is this GIGS? He mentioned a few times through out the relationship how he didn't have those fun years because his parents held him back. Or am I just blind to the fact we were doomed from the start? Please help, I need understanding?

Edited November 15, 2013 by shamefullyjaded
formatting issues

[MissBrunette84]

I used to come here when I broke up with my ex of 4 years. If you want to read my old posts you can find them here. I really so think he had grass is greener syndrome as we are now back together for well over a year and he's moved in so sometimes it does work out... In the end .

[xUnknown]

I used to come here when I broke up with my ex of 4 years. If you want to read my old posts you can find them here. I really so think he had grass is greener syndrome as we are now back together for well over a year and he's moved in so sometimes it does work out... In the end .

 

Glad to see that you are happy now =).

 

How long were you two separated for before getting back together?

[MissBrunette84]

Glad to see that you are happy now =).

 

How long were you two separated for before getting back together?

 

A year or so. Int hat time he was playing the feild with me being hot/cold all that jazz. So I changed my number and cut him off for a while and we saw each other at a rock festival and he was all I've made a mistake etc... The thing is we rarely argue now and it's a hell of a lot better. Knowing he's got it out of his system as we met when we were young (he was 18) he's 24 now. He said he wanted to see what was out there as he never experienced life. I mean I didn't hang about for him, I met others guys too as I was done with being messed about with at the time.

 

Honestly though we have both grown and it's way better now, we understand each other more.

[organizedchaos]

A year or so. Int hat time he was playing the feild with me being hot/cold all that jazz. So I changed my number and cut him off for a while and we saw each other at a rock festival and he was all I've made a mistake etc... The thing is we rarely argue now and it's a hell of a lot better. Knowing he's got it out of his system as we met when we were young (he was 18) he's 24 now. He said he wanted to see what was out there as he never experienced life. I mean I didn't hang about for him, I met others guys too as I was done with being messed about with at the time.

 

Honestly though we have both grown and it's way better now, we understand each other more.

 

That's awesome. Congrats!

[MissBrunette84]

That's awesome. Congrats!

 

Thank you. It didn't come without its fair share of heartache though. Went through some pretty rough times with the breaking up etc...

 

I guess though it all happened for a reason

[BC1980]

What does it mean when she says:

 

"I wish I could feel differently. I'm sad that things have come to what they have. I wish things could have gone differently."

 

I wish people were just more straightforward. Seriously

 

Vomit. My ex said some of this same stuff. "I wish it had worked out." "I really didn't want it to end this way."

 

Here is what it means: The ex is a confused person and needs to be left alone.

[Amaury]

I wish I read this sooner, this is EXACTLY what happened to me, its almost scary. Sadly after the break up I didn't handle it as smoothly as i wished and now things are horrible between us which is a shame because I really liked her as a person but now I'm disgusted by her as my ex and I dont think things will ever be good between us and that's what hurts the most. Everything we built in a yr and a half was ruined in a span of a month and 2 weeks. I guess we were just young and in "love", the break up wasn't what hurt me, it was the men she slept with right after. How can you move on and forget about someone you love with all your heart but hate with a passion. I guess time heals all and I should focus on myself, but my mind is to distracted.

[redshift]

I'm pretty sure my ex fiancee suffered from GIGS, but I'm not sure.

 

She's Catholic and I'm an agnostic atheist, and I was always upfront about it. I supported her in her faith, but it wasn't for me. When we met, I was hateful after years of bullying, and she was hurt because her last boyfriend used her.

 

After a year and a half together, I proposed before we went off to college, she said "yes" of course.

 

We were together though all those years through long distance. She was planning our wedding, bought a dress over the summer. I finished classes in only 3 years so I could get a job to work in her area. I used the last 1500 dollars of my mom's death benefit to move out to her in Charlotte from Miami. I had to go home to Illinois for a couple of months to get some interviews. 3 days before I was going to start interviews, she called me on Skype and said "I can't do us anymore".

 

I was speechless, I had based my whole life on this, I was days away from having a job and a place. She told me that she had watched the good little Catholic boys with their Catholic girlfriends and that had become necessary to her. She told a mutual friend that she was "filled with joy" after breaking up with me. I worked my ass off just to live close to her. I loved her, I know that she had loved me. It's only been 5 weeks, we were not far from four and a half years. She's already looking into other guys. She's cut off all communication with me. I moved out to Salt Lake City thanks to help from my father and uncle. Now I don't have any friends in person because I work 6 days a week. She's living it up with her college friends.

 

I think she may be going through the quarter life crisis as well, she stated that if she could go back to beginning college, she'd want to go for art instead of math. (before she broke it off)

 

Once she broke up with me, she became mean and vindictive. I wish I had the woman who'd beg me to skype with her because she needed me. I keep going back and forth, one day, I can work and I fell alright, the next day I feel incredibly lonely. One day I'm angry, the next day I'm grieving as if I watched my mother die again.

 

So my question is, is it really GIGS (I think it is) or am I being silly and it's really a fundamental difference (I mean it is a fundamental difference, but mixed religion marriages are more frequently successful than homogeneous marriages)? I hope we all understand the differenciation between what I'm trying to say.

[Stay]

After a almost 7 year relationship, she left me for another guy.. Pretty much cheated on me emotionally and lied to me, lost all my trust. So I've been on a 6 month NC and finally had to run into her yesterday, we talked and she started tearing up but I had no idea why. I asked her why but she didn't tell me. She did tell me she miss me, asked about my life, and kept trying to figure out if I'm seeing anyone. When she left she told me she miss me again and gave me a long hug.

 

This rush of emotion and feelings was unexpected for me and I really wonder what is going through her head, did she realize what she did was wrong? I told her she did this to herself, I was always there for her but she decided to get up and leave. She told me she knows so it seems like she know what she did wrong.

[for666]

stay--

 

it's crumble's

until it's not full contact of = "i did a mistake sorry. i love you!"

don't move..

continue regular as you did

 

and yes.. secret ,she start's missing you but if you jump now IT"S OVER

stay cool...

if she really miss's you, love's you , she gonna fight for you

 

... stay cool!

[Greeneiz]

Very good read and pretty much dead on for me.

 

I know she has been chatting with guys that she has no intentions of a relationship with. I just hope it does not take long or her to realize what she had. She had Filet Minon, so why go after ground beef?

[Sabrina88]

I think i am going through a similar kind of break up...

 

For full recap of my situation refer to the following thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/445171-talking-internet-vs-meeting-person

 

lululucy,

 

Thank you so much for being honest and sharing with all of us on LS! You have NO IDEA how many countless people on here have been on the receiving end of G.I.G.S.

 

What most people on here don't realize is just how HARD and DIFFICULT it is on the people with G.I.G.S. Rarely if ever, does the person suffering from G.I.G.S. have the strength or courage to end the relationship to "figure things out". The simple truth, you don't know what you think, feel yet. That is what you are going through now... a very difficult process that is not at all easy.

 

Also, due to their loyalty to their BF / GF and also them not wanting to hurt or lose the person, they keep this whole G.I.G.S. issue to themselves. Not because they are dishonest, but simply they are very confused! People, imagine for a minute you going to your BF / GF and telling them you don't know if you want to marry them anymore or you might not be in love with them anymore... What is going to happen? All he!! is going to break loose! The G.I.G.S. issue is the least of the worries at point. So it's no wonder it is so hard to talk about this with the other party.

 

Did ALL OF YOU PEOPLE READ THE ABOVE POST!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

 

Does lululucy sound like some evil, twisted &$#^* that wants to set out and hurt her boyfriend? Someone that wants to cheat on him?

 

Of course NOT! That is the last thing she wants to do!

Having said all of that... lululucy, what I have seen is usually people in your shoes seem to force the other party to end the relationship for them.

 

You see… my goal is that people on here on LS can better understand what is happening to them and to the person suffering from G.I.G.S. so they are better equipped to handle the situation and create an environment that both parties can be successful even after the "worst" has happened, whatever that might be, there is still a chance for reconciliation to be possible.

 

Moral of the story… There is nothing wrong with people that have G.I.G.S.! They mean you no harm! Even if they were to communicate the G.I.G.S. issue, the other party will most likely lose their minds, convince, guilt, plead, etc. the person with G.I.G.S. to stay without giving the person the opportunity, space and time they need to resolve their G.I.G.S. issue. This of course leads to the person with G.I.G.S. to lose respect and have resentment for the other party and as you can tell it goes all downhill very quickly from there and ultimately ends like most of the drama filled posts you see here on LS.

 

 

What is ironic about the whole thing is this... The person that does not have G.I.G.S. ends up getting pissed off, anger, hurt and bitter towards the person when the person with G.I.G.S. ended the relationship without a single thought or consideration of their feelings, their desires, their needs etc.

 

When in all actuality had the person without G.I.G.S. are really hypocritical. Were they respectful, understanding, given the person with G.I.G.S. the time and space needed to sort this out? No! They did allow the person to solve their issue(s) by doing what they thought was right by "fighting" for the relationship. Now they find themselves on the receiving end of what they should have done in the first place. Now they "preaching" / "complaining" about what a jerk their ex is when they sorta trapped them and left them no choice so to speak.

 

What is sad... Had the person without G.I.G.S. let them "go figure it out" so to speak... the person with G.I.G.S. would have more than likely ended up coming to their senses in time and realized what they had in the person (assuming it was a healthy and good relationship) and would have ended up with the person in the end / long run.

 

It's crazy isn't it!

 

Just so you know... Even older people can suffer from G.I.G.S too. This isn't just for young people. Signs to look for... People that didn’t have the college experience, people that got married young, people that didn’t date around, people that did not have a lot “life experiences” growing up, etc.

 

That is why the whole when you see, feel, think, believe, suspect your BF / GF is suffering from G.I.G.S. the VERY BEST THING you can do for them and yourself is to let them go and give them the opportunity, freedom, time and space to work through it. More times than not, if you were to do this. You would end up with them in the end.

 

However, most people do the COMPLETE opposite of what I am sharing here. This coming from someone who has been on both sides of the G.I.G.S. issue.

 

Do you think you went through the recieving end of this or suspect you are in the the middle of it now with your gf / bf / spouse?

 

If you want to know EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO AND HOW TO PROCEED? No matter where you are in the process...

 

I suggest you go read my thread here:

 

Breaks and Breaking Up - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

 

 

 

I understand everything quoted above is right..but what if in this situation dumper is in relation with ur family friend...which means u have to see them together for ur entire life....and c them do things that he promised u about....

[EnigmaWolf92]

I'm glad I read this. It seems to be right where I'm at right now and helps me make sense of things but I don't want to have false hope one way or the other.

[Cntstgbabe]

My ex is 100% going through G.I.G.S. we were together got two years. He loved me to pieces and told me often. People used to joke saying that it was crazy how well we worked together and how similar we are. In the past few months we started talking about marriage and moving in together. We planned so many things for our future home. We looked at rings. Then 1.5 months ago he broke up with me. He said he needed independence to figure out his life and didn't know if this would be forever. He said there wasn't someone else (but quickly got into a new relationship). We were best friends and even seeing him recently we slipped back easily into conversation like we didn't miss a beat.

 

I know he has no answer for me as to why he broke it off. He is confused with his life. He doesn't know want he wants for a career, he has a rough family life, and the talk of marriage and moving in with him put a huge weight on his shoulders. I would definitely define this as a quarter life crisis. Everyone was shocked by his actions. i told him that I had to let him go and that I couldn't be his friend. He was shocked, especially since we hung out for an hour and were happy together. He told me that he'd miss me and still cared. I said that I'd miss him too. For my sanity I had to let him go, but I want him back. I hope one day he will come around.

[chau_nnguyen]

I was in a relationship with my ex and we lived together for almost 4 years, we broke up bc of my insecurities and when I was on a holiday, after the first time I broke up with him, we got back and then he dumped me and got back with me 3 times. When I got home from my holiday, we met and he wanted to work things out with me, then an hour later he confessed me that after the first time we broke up, he dated a girl thats friend with his brothers girlfriend and were still seeing her during the times we got back. Then he asked me if he could stay at his brothes house to figure out what he wanted for us and I accepted. Then a day later he broke it off with me again. 5 times in 1 month! I was so upset and crying all day. In 3 weeks after the last time breaking up, he still came over to see me like everyday to check on me and to get his stuff. We talked bout our relationship and things between us and between him and her, he hugged me really tight and tried to touch me, he even got naked in front of me when I dared him, reason he came over to see me is bc he missed me, that he thought of me when hung out with her. During the times he came over and on facebook, I confronted him bout things I heard from his friends and his brothers told me that shes there with him everyday and they sleep together, he picks up and drops her off at school, go strawberry picking, hanging out a lots, he makes new license to get into the clubs with her that he told me he hated, when I call or talk to him on the phone he doesnt answer straight after bc shes there, he deleted our conversation on facebook incase she might sees it bc he let her uses his phone to take photos of her and them, he named her number as sweetie on his phone and xoxo her in texts (thats what I saw by my own eyes). He denied all of that, he said he only saw her as friend and enjoy her company and shes a fun girl to hang out with. He even changed her name number from Sweetie to Friend in front of me just to prove that they are nothing. He also said if one day he find the love he once had for me he will let me, then he said if he dates her again i will be the first person know that, but it would be just for fun, then he went it wouldnt be serious unless we get back, then dont worry hes not gonna date her. Confused! But I see things like this, we dated when I was 18, shes 18 now, she gives him the fun, happiness and joys of honeymon stage that he was craving to have that, besides its connivence bc shes friend with his brothers girlfriend and I didnt get along well with them so its better to hangout with her bc its no drama. I told him and of course he denied it, theres no honeymon stage bc they are just friend! He also said i was the last asian girl he ever dated and yes shes asian, we are both vietnamese!

So last Sunday I heard him and his friends planned to go fishing but he said she wouldnt come bc there was no seat in the car but his brother said she was going to come. I trusted him. Then I decided to send his best friend a text saying if he can get a time alone with my ex, please help me to find out if what I heard from people and what I saw on his phone were truth and if he likes her I will back off and give up on our love. I regretted doing that bc his friend told him on that day (they didnt go fishing), and he confronted me and asked me why I did it, i gave him reasons but he seemed he didnt care much about it. Then yesterday he was with his brother (who hates me to gut and mean to me all the time), he asked me why I sent the text again, and he said "But do u know what u said to him really hurt me why did u have to lie an make me look bad because it was not true why did u have to make me sound so stupid". I said sorry to him and explain i didnt think it through and i though his friend would help us get back. Then 20 mins later he text me said "Can u please stop talking and asking bout me and her, I love her and thats all I want u to know, Im serious telling u this, please stop". Then he called me and said he felt in love with her 2 weeks ago she knows that and she loves him too, they sleep together and have sex, and if I want he can let me meet her to have a final talk. I know it was his brother who hates me and told him to say that to make me shut up bc why he said I hurt him by sending the text and what I said aint truth. If he said he liked her I could believe it but not IN LOVE we broke up 2 weeks after he knew he loved her and the way he denied things made me believe he just said it to piss me off, of course he has feeling for her based on what I heard and saw but not love, its so fast. I dont know if shes a rebound or he actually loves her. Chris u got to read through this slowly to understand how messed up he is and the way he denied and stringed me along in 1 month since I got home! I cant do NC right now bc I still need to talk to help bout putting the house we rent in my name and his furnitures are still here. I went NC in 2 days last week and he called me like 6 times in total and he got a bit jealous when he knew I was on a date. Last friday he asked if I want him to come over I said no, then he called again said he was at supermarket near my place and wondered if I needed anything I said no again. After that we talked a bit then this **** happened just yesterday! His brother told his friend that my ex new girlfriend has left him bc of this **** before my ex told me if I want can meet her. I asked him latter that night if I can meet her and he said maybe. I dont know what to do, I love him so much but why he had to lie bout his feeling for her and denied everything I knew bout them and kept stringing me along! There are so many confusions of him bc of his reactions towards me when he saw me and things he said to lead me on and if he dates her he will let me know like million times, denied everything then bum he loves her after he said things i knew aint true and it hurt him. Please help Im stuck

[Markholland]

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

(AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)

 

I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.

 

In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.

 

This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

 

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.

 

So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.

 

If anyone has any questions, I'll be happy to give you my opinion on the matter.

 

Good luck, everyone.

 

Everything that is said above me is EXACTLY what i am going through with my girlfriend all the reasons she gave me is nearly word for word what she told me

 

Me and my girlfriend of 2years and 8 months had a fantastic relationship shes now 19 and im now 22 and she is suffering from GIGS i have gone through all the emotions and now just enjoying life with mates and concentrating on myself i know her and i know that one day she will come running back and i cant wait for that day she has nothing without me shes made the biggest mistake of her life

[julzfromsa]

Hi Everyone

 

This will be my first post, hopefully not my last regarding this matter. I find myself starting a very unfamiliar and strange life at the age of 27. Only way to describe how I am feeling is to compare it with how Alice felt, tumbling down the rabbit hole. Life has lost its colour and I battle to feel motivated about anything right now. Let me tell you why.

 

I met Jamie when I was 16 years old, a year prior to my senior Year in South Africa. She was a best friend of my Cousin, Samantha. We were young, impressionable and excited. I found her to be exquisitely beautiful and fell head over heels almost instantly. We went through the motions and before long we were dating. I had tons of self confidence and had no problems winning her heart over back then. For the next year, the only thing important to me was her. My grades took a back seat and consequentially I ended up with a second rate graduation. Regardless of the poor academic year I had, I was in love and in good spirits. It is necessary to tell you all a little about or characters before we move on.

 

I had always been a confident, emotionally and morally intelligent person, even as I grew up. Girls liked me, and I liked them back even though I may have been a bit shy. I never really had any sort of romantically serious relationship before Jamie, so I found myself in a completely new and exciting space. Anyways, I think I became infatuated by this girl almost instantly. She came from a completely different background. She had a broken home where anything was acceptable. Underage, she ended up taking me to my first club. Well from that point on, I kind of had to grow up really fast in order to match up to her "adult maturity". I ended up giving her my virginity, which was a good experience for me, even though she was not a virgin. This already started to bother me as I realize now the connection I felt with her was not a healthy one. I was jealous and wanted 100% of her to belong to me.

 

Over the next year or so, things started to become serious. I took a year of work and school (gap year) and spent most of my time with her. We were in love and infatuated, going out to clubs, doing things that youths generally do except we did it all together. I started to feel that I was losing my morality and after a while started questioning her behaviour. She likes to smoke Marijuana and cigarettes and engage in rather reckless irresponsible activities with rather dubious people. I soon put a stop to all of this as I could not accept it anymore. Jamie eventually stopped all her nonsense and changed for the better in both my eyes and her parents. She went to school and got a qualification in Beauty Therapy. We were happy for the next year or so. We had our fights but they were just fights and made up soon after. So it had been approximately 3 years after school, we were 21 when she left me for the first time. She needed her space and freedom to explore whilst she was in her 2nd year beauty therapy diploma. I was broken and begged for her back. She wouldn’t have me, and 2 weeks down the road she was involved with an older guy. I was broken, absolutely devastated but managed to look after myself. I got fit, looked after myself and found a girl to console my broken heart for a short time. I didn’t end up sleeping with her because I felt that I was not ready for that. Jamie contacted me 8 weeks down the road and begged for me back, apparently it was the biggest mistake of her life. I took her back because I was desperately in love with her, even though I knew that we were completely different people. I was in my first year of a psychology degree, motivated and driven however the 8 week break up caused me to miss my finals and fail the year. I battled my way through the relationship for the next 6 months as she had been sleeping with this other guy, and numerous others and I was insecure and jealous. She put in all the effort and eventually I found my groove and forgave her. I ended up repeating the semester and passed with distinction while she finished her diploma. We moved in together and stayed at my folks place the remainder of the year.

 

I changed my career choice and decided to study architecture, and did so whilst she worked at a health spa. I would pick her up and drop her off at work while went to varsity. Everything went smoothly for a while till she met somebody at her place of work and had a fling with him. Once again I was devistated and broken. She decided very quickly that it was a mistake and wanted to fight for our relationship. She once again picked up the pieces of my heart and I had to find it in myself to forgive and forget. I believed that I had no choice because I loved her so much. I gave her my entire being, losing everything that I was in the process. The one thing in my life that I held dear was her. It was unhealthy and a huge mistake. I saw her to be this beautiful angel (she is very beautiful) however she is no angel. She was selfish and controlling and never trusted me for a moment - even though in 11 years I had not set eyes on another for not one second. I didn’t want anyone else but her, I truly didn’t. She treated me well while things were fine. We made love and held each other dear. Perhaps because of my nature, we didn’t go out as much as she would’ve liked. She is a very excitable and loud person where I am so much more grounded. I know how to have a good time but not matching her energy, not at all. Our friends believed we were a perfect match because we complimented each others personalities. They did not know of her indiscretion prior as I was too embarrassed to tell them.

 

Now my third year in Architecture school we were still living with my parents, however things did not go well. Jamie became restless and quite frankly so did I and there was a falling out with my parents. Of course I took Jamie’s side and she ended up leaving the house to move into a new flat, she was a working woman now and could do so, however I could not. I was in my third year of varsity and felt that if I could not contribute or pay my own way, then I should not move in with her, so I didn’t but I did spend most of my time there. Things seemed to be better than ever, but Jamie been extremely impressionable was influenced buy her flat mate who was single and a bit of a party goer. We had a bad argument one night and Jamie ended up going out, and kissed some other guy. She told me the truth the next day and was terrified I would leave. Once again, I could never leave over a kiss as now more than ever I loved her more. A deep seated love, almost entirely dependent. Once again my ego was broken; heart was in pieces and did not trust her. She worked hard to gain my trust and I could see an effort been put in from her side so eventually I forgave her but did not forget. She started a new job and I went on to finish my third year with distinction. We moved back in with my parents where things seemed to become comfortable and happy. I went on to my 4th year of studies. She supported me entirely and had not one glitch in our relationship throughout the year. We got engaged and I thought that this was it. She will be my wife forever. She was excited and couldn’t wait to get married but we had to wait till I had finished varsity.

 

I finished varsity top of my class, and I swear to God the only reason why I worked so God Damn hard was because I wanted to look after my wife more than anything. I wanted to support her and give her everything she wanted. She was by now the prize goal and nothing else could get in my way. I landed a top Job at probably the most reputable architectural firm in southern Africa and was feeling great. Just before I started working for this firm, there was another massive falling out at home (with my parents) and Jamie and I moved in together as now I could support myself and save for a wedding and house. Wedding plans were made and venues were paid for. She was excited, I was stressed. I was paying for this wedding and working ridiculous hours, sometimes 42 hours straight. She couldn’t accept this and we had many fights regarding the hours I worked. I kept on telling her, that I’m doing this for our future, for our wedding, not for myself. She never really could uderstand that. I ended u buying all the furniture for which she seemed grateful and excited. I don’t blame her for everything, not at all because the writing was on the wall. I had been so consumed in stress that I didn’t see the signs. We made love maybe 3 times a month but only for the past 6 months. I put the issue down to heavy stress on both sides as we were doing all this on our own. She was still very pleasant to me, and I felt that after 11 years our relationship had developed into something much more. She was my best friend, my lover and soon to be my wife. I was content and I honestly thought so was she.

 

About a month and a half ago, she went to Panama, South America on a Business trip. Donating her eggs to a woman who would pay 4000 US Dollars. I disagreed and said no. Eventually she made up her own mind to do it and left for Panama. I ended up trying to understand and thought that the money would help for the wedding. This was her excuse to do this. I’m not sure if she intended it to be a holiday or what she wanted this to be but it became the straw that broke the camel’s back. She returned a different person completely. Uninterested in wedding plans or house plans. Uninterested in her Job. She was changed, cold and heartless. She ended up meeting a man in Panama, and fell in love with her freedom I suppose. I tried to salvage the situation a week prior to her admitting all of this by going away for a weekend. I knew there was something wrong and desperately wanted to fix whatever the problem was. I just wanted the bad dream to end. The love of my life was changed and deep down I knew why. She just didn’t want me anymore; she just didn’t love me anymore. I was kind, gentle, didn’t push and honourable. She was cold and couldn't hold a conversation with me for more than a minute. The only thing she cared about was her Panama trip and travelling. We ended up making very disconnected love that night which probably hurt me more than anything in the world. I prepared myself for the worst that night as I knew.

 

The trip back home was agonizing and I knew whatever happens, we going to talk about this when we arrive, so I did.

 

She admitted to her cheating on me with a man she had met in 2 days. She told me that she loves me but not in-love with me and she does not want to fight for the relationship at all. I had been honourable, sincere, and honest for 11 years. I had given her my soul, my bank balance, my virginity - absolutely everything. I had supported her through the best and the worst and never not once was I abusive to her. I put her so high up on that pedestal that it was sickening to everyone around me, but I didn't care. I loved her for her faults and didn't want to think of how incompatible we were as a couple. I had finished top of my class in varsity and am extremely driven to succeed. I always understood that hard work was key to everything including relationships. She didn't finish school and is an au-pair at 27 years old who needs to "find herself".

 

It’s been over for nearly a month now and I’m still deeply in-love with this woman. She has sold the engagement ring for money and had no problems asking for more. She is now single and trust me when I say she will be meeting many men who I’m sure she just wants to have "fun" with as it is in her nature. I know it’s not healthy to think of such things so I try not to but it’s so very difficult. I have reconnected with the friends that will have me, and met a girl who is different in many ways and the same in some. The new girl helps as I am not alone and there is some companionship there, but she still isn't the one for me. I know this in my soul. She knows we just friends for now and I just don't see it going further.

 

I find myself at the age of 27, and my life is upside down. I moved back into my parents place for now with hardly any close friends and a broken heart. I was ready to start a family 2 months ago, now I have to get back in the saddle and meet new people of which i am not motivated to do. I have lost my partner and my best friend, and probably the reason why I was breathing for 11 years of my life. I know how unhealthy that is and that that kind of love is wrong, none the less it is how I felt.

 

I don't know what to say from here or what I am going to do. I have never been a quitter so I will not start quitting now. I'm doing all the healthy things I should be doing like training, speaking to friends, going out, been positive etc but the pangs of grief consume me. I have not contacted or spoken to her since the breakup as I know with no uncertainty that it is over and nothing I do or say will bring her back to me. I love her so deeply that I am willing to let her go. I'm just scared of what will happen to me, will I become lonely and ugly? Will someone love me the way I love them. Will I find someone as beautiful as I thought she was?

 

I’m in a mess, and hopefully, faithfully I will continue to live

 

 

I simply don't have the words to describe my situation any better than the post above as-well. 11 years, soon to be my wife went to Panama on holiday and returned a different person. The person i loved for 11 years didn't exist and its true, the writing was on the wall 6 months before she broke me. I do hope one day she regrets it because i was good to this woman. I loved and cared for her, i gave her everything. I have decided to have no contact with her at all, albeit i did have a conversation with her a week after the split, trying to understand. It never got ugly and i decided to give her her space because that is how much i love her. I feel in my heart that it is completely over, she just doesn't love me anymore. I am so deeply still inlove that the pain is unbearable but i will not contact her, nor will i beg. I am at peace with her not loving me, but the pain is as real as anything. GIGS, i dont know, its more a matter of falling out of love and just not been happy in the relationship anymore. Perhaps she wants to experiment and try new things in life but the common denominator is always that the one partner loves the other more, and perhaps in a different way. I do not want to see her on facebook or the mobile phone. For me to heal i have to pretend she is dead - because seeing her and her new life will destroy me. So absolute no contact in every way possible is essential. I prey to god that the day i bump into her, i am better and moved on.

[realfriends]

Unfortunately, this happened to my ex. We were happily together for close to 5 years. Planned our futures out. Were just so happy to be with each other all the time. Had the same morals.

 

All of a sudden, she starts to get into arguments with me for no reason and we cant seem to settle them. She eventually asks for a break, which I said just break up with me, im not doing a break, but eventually decided too because I loved her so much and couldnt let go for apparently no good reason. Next day, I check her social media, see she was talking to another guy and found out she cheated on me.

 

She tells me that shes been missing something in the relationship for a while and she doesnt know if I am the one. Its rough. Really truly rough.

 

Been 33 days of NC and just have to realize that I have to let go and move on with my life. There is no other way that this could work if either of us one day want to give it another go.

 

Thank you for the post. It helps the pain a little bit

[cooki]

Hi,

 

i'm new to this forum and i also want to share my story in the hope it could help someone. I want some feedback from you guys, altought the most was said and it helped me to go trough my situation:

 

I (24) was with this girl (21) for 3.5 years - physical. Mentaly we were together i would say 2.5 years. So after the 2.5 year she gave me the friends with benefits speech. I was mindblown and even then i knew that this means the end of our relationship (and it truly was). So i declined and after that things started to getting even worse. By worse meaning that her atraction lvl dropped, she wasn't that insterested anymore in me, become distand and in the end i was the only one who emotionaly invested in this relationship. Due to fact that it was my first relationship i didn't realy know how to handle the situation, if this would happend to me now, i would definitely dump her.

Friends with benefits = i want to break up with you for whatever reason

Speaking about reason. After hours drilling into her she finaly said: i am tired of you, i love you but i'm now in love with you anymore, we can still be friends, she doesn't fell the same as i do for her.

Hey, i don't feel the same either like on the first months of relationship, no more butterflies But because the hormons and molecules in our bodies doesn't dance to some heavy house beat, instead to clasic music, i should break up? Never!

She also said: look i was never single before. I think this was her biggest concern, to miss this years of being free and hook up with random guys u feel atracted. I COULD HAVE SAY THE SAME, i also didn't have this time yet and i try to enjoy it now, even it's hard, cuz i rather be with her.

What make us so different?? Why she is in that state now, why i'm not?

I forgive her, this forum opened my eyes.

 

We've break up 2 months ago. After the break up i try to maintain NC with her.

Hope she will eventualy realise what she have lost, breaking up with me. It's sad, but i think people must go trough such situations in live, some to get stronger, some to find out that the grass is not greener on the other side (in our country we have a simmilar saying - the neighbours pears are always more sweet than the home ones )

 

Is that gigs ????

 

Never leave the person you love for the person you like.

 

Have a nice day.

[mm373]

My ex and I (She is 21, I am 25) have been together for over 3 years. We have been doing long distance the last 3 months until she graduates in May and move back to her hometown (which is where I moved to during the summer to work and be with her).

 

She broke up with me about 5 weeks ago because she didn't think I was giving her enough attention and she didn't feel loved. Our problems started when she moved in the fall with her new roommate that likes to party (my ex was very chill, we dated since her 1st weekend in college).

 

The break up came as surprise to me because during the summer she was telling me about moving in with me after graduation and getting married by 25. 2 weeks before the break up she was talking about promise rings. She broke up saying that she had been thinking about it for a while. Yesterday we talked and she says she misses me, but she would be getting back with me for the wrong reasons now. She wants to be single during her last semester in college and we will work on things in May when she is back. She can't promise she won't meet anyone because she wants to talk to people but if it's meant to be it will happen.

 

What is the best way to deal with this? We have been in contact a lot and I know I gotta give her space.. Is it better to go no contact or limited contacted? I accepted that we won't be back together now, but I would like to give us the best chance in the future.. Thanks!

[julzfromsa]

Hi,

 

i'm new to this forum and i also want to share my story in the hope it could help someone. I want some feedback from you guys, altought the most was said and it helped me to go trough my situation:

 

I (24) was with this girl (21) for 3.5 years - physical. Mentaly we were together i would say 2.5 years. So after the 2.5 year she gave me the friends with benefits speech. I was mindblown and even then i knew that this means the end of our relationship (and it truly was). So i declined and after that things started to getting even worse. By worse meaning that her atraction lvl dropped, she wasn't that insterested anymore in me, become distand and in the end i was the only one who emotionaly invested in this relationship. Due to fact that it was my first relationship i didn't realy know how to handle the situation, if this would happend to me now, i would definitely dump her.

Friends with benefits = i want to break up with you for whatever reason

Speaking about reason. After hours drilling into her she finaly said: i am tired of you, i love you but i'm now in love with you anymore, we can still be friends, she doesn't fell the same as i do for her.

Hey, i don't feel the same either like on the first months of relationship, no more butterflies But because the hormons and molecules in our bodies doesn't dance to some heavy house beat, instead to clasic music, i should break up? Never!

She also said: look i was never single before. I think this was her biggest concern, to miss this years of being free and hook up with random guys u feel atracted. I COULD HAVE SAY THE SAME, i also didn't have this time yet and i try to enjoy it now, even it's hard, cuz i rather be with her.

What make us so different?? Why she is in that state now, why i'm not?

I forgive her, this forum opened my eyes.

 

We've break up 2 months ago. After the break up i try to maintain NC with her.

Hope she will eventualy realise what she have lost, breaking up with me. It's sad, but i think people must go trough such situations in live, some to get stronger, some to find out that the grass is not greener on the other side (in our country we have a simmilar saying - the neighbours pears are always more sweet than the home ones )

 

Is that gigs ????

 

Never leave the person you love for the person you like.

 

Have a nice day.

 

Yep dude - almost exactly what she said to me. I love you but not inlove with you. I mean WTF is that. I just dont understand but non the less it doesnt matter if we understand or not. She just doesnt love you, simple. Strange how guys become content (most cases) and woman get the GIGS (not all of them), just saying ladies tend to get the syndrome much more.

 

Its difficult because when the other leaves, the dumpee usually is still very much in love. Only thing to do from there is start looking after yourself and improving because nothing is going to bring them back.