"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[sober and dry]

I'm going through a very similar situation. Dated my girlfriend for 3 years and within a one week period she cheats on me when she was blackout drunk and then confesses that she has been feeling very conflicted, confused,been bored, said were in a rut wants to be independent, hates her friends, doesn't like her major anymore, and feels like she could be happier with someone else.

 

I am 23 and my ex is 20. I took her virginity and she is also the only person she has ever dated. When we did break up she was bawling and explicitly expressed that she still loves me and is in love with me. This is soo hard and her answers are almost down to a T to what homebrew is expressing.

 

This seems like someone who is clearing house and has a massive case of the gigs which could be a product of her age (even though it had never been an issue in the past but i think it finally surfaced). Or it may have been long overdue and she just realized that if she was able to cheat then she had to come to terms and just do it now before she hurts me anymore.

 

I feel like I don't even know this person anymore. Once a sweet and loving little girl has turned into a monster in my mind. I know that i don't deserve this and no one does. I'll never allow myself to be someones plan B and just that fact that she can't commit and handled this so cowardly was enough to make me not want to be in the relationship either. I just don't understand at all, but I'm going to run FAR before i let this person hurt me anymore. I know I must move on.

 

Any advice is welcomed. Thanks guys and gals.

There is nothing to understand in there, sorry man. When someone give in to the gigs in this way it's just a lack of character. Even tough we think we know the person we love, in this cases they always revel something very different...

I'm sorry you are in that situation, but I have been trough something very similar and I really know how ****up it's...

Get away from her, whatever the cost. NC all the way to protect you. Every time she pops in your head, think if you want to live your life with someone like that or if you can even trust her again. When you see things this way I doubt you will be still thinking about going back to her or even try.

[runredlights]

I know it and it all makes sense in my head but easier said than done. I know I can't go back. I am just trying to understand why. I think there are answers that she either knows and can't or won't say. I have to wonder why immediately after hooking up with another guy she wanted to end things. Does she want some strange? Or is this person sincerely lost?

[sober and dry]

I know it and it all makes sense in my head but easier said than done. I know I can't go back. I am just trying to understand why. I think there are answers that she either knows and can't or won't say. I have to wonder why immediately after hooking up with another guy she wanted to end things. Does she want some strange? Or is this person sincerely lost?

When on gigs there are no answer besides the obvious, at least not from her. Sorry, but at least for now, this person is lost. Move on man.

[Nolan 93]

Hello everyone!!

 

Okay my story goes like this Once Upon A Time......So my gf of eleven months dumped me. She said she's confused, and loves me but is not in love with me, reason for feeling like this is she ran into her ex at the mall one day, I guess it got her hopes of having their old relationship back. Now recap her ex didn't technically cheat on her he was texting other girls and I guess sexually talking to them, ran into the bathroom and deleted all of the texts. Then I guess later he wanted a break, after two months I come in the picture. So she left me insisting that she wasn't going back to him "yah I'm that stupid lol" so give her about a week she's back with him. Okay cool I knew it, but even though she sent me a text, saying "I will miss you dearly, and you gave me real love and thats what I always wanted, and you gave that to me. You'll always have a place in my heart". So kind of contradicts things doesn't it? To throw it away and go back with your ex. Even though we had a beautiful and passionate relationship, we never argued much, we did everything together, and we loved each-other. Even after he hurt her emotionally , and she still tries to fix the relationship. She said "some things are to broke to mend" I'm thinking okay then why are you going back to your ex then lol. We can mend since its only been a week when we broke up, but they dated for about nine months, but they have been friends for four years in the past. So idk lol.

 

Im honestly don't know if this is "GIGS" type deal, or she just wants to go back to her first love. She ended a perfect relationship of eleven months, but I did chase her like an idiot, after all I'm 21 and she's 18. But she was my first love, I've been with plenty of girls but they were mostly FWB. I know I pushed her away by chasing and thats my fault, but honestly I didn't want to lose her like this. So this all happened a month ago, and I have been doing NC for about two weeks. Slowly getting over it, any advice if this is a GIGS type deal or not would be greatly appreciated. But either way I have to move on, this cant eat me up alive. But at the end of each day I will always love and miss my first love.

[perryellis322]

I'm a 28 year old male whose been dating a 24 year old girl mostly long distance for a year. She broke it off out of the blue. We were going really strong and until the week before, she was sending me msgs saying how she wanted to marry me and no one has been so compatible with her.

 

Her rationale for the breakup was that she feels a loss of spark and that her attraction for me has gone down and that she wants to be single and focus on her career. This is a shocker as we've been really, really strong and the chemistry never died down.

 

She fits GIGS to me almost perfectly. She's been partying hard and hanging around different people. This sounds arrogant but we got along so perfectly (we were best friends and made each other laugh hysterically all the time) that I know she'll reach out again in a couple months.

 

Question: If she reaches out, how should I respond to gauge her interest in dating again but not come off as desperate? Should I even respond after a couple months? I did love this girl and if she gets it out of her system of being single, I would consider taking her back.

[Nolan 93]

I'm a 28 year old male whose been dating a 24 year old girl mostly long distance for a year. She broke it off out of the blue. We were going really strong and until the week before, she was sending me msgs saying how she wanted to marry me and no one has been so compatible with her.

 

Her rationale for the breakup was that she feels a loss of spark and that her attraction for me has gone down and that she wants to be single and focus on her career. This is a shocker as we've been really, really strong and the chemistry never died down.

 

She fits GIGS to me almost perfectly. She's been partying hard and hanging around different people. This sounds arrogant but we got along so perfectly (we were best friends and made each other laugh hysterically all the time) that I know she'll reach out again in a couple months.

 

Question: If she reaches out, how should I respond to gauge her interest in dating again but not come off as desperate? Should I even respond after a couple months? I did love this girl and if she gets it out of her system of being single, I would consider taking her back.

 

I personally think If she reaches out, don't mention you want to date again she might get scared. If you do talk to her, just like you did before you guys became a couple. Let her talk about dating again, this way you know she is interested in dating again. If my ex decided to comeback to me after months being with her ex, then I might take her back, but things would change, but I honestly love her. The key is forget what happened its in the past, and never talk about it unless she brings it up. If my ex came back I would never mention it until she does, just to be safe and not make her feel guilty and run off. But she comes back great if not oh well I hate to say it but have to move on. Dating is always mind blowing lol, best of luck my friend,

[retroglitch]

Just wanted to +1 this thread as well. GF broke up with me a month ago out of the blue. Said she thinks we need to see other people. Had several long talks with her a few weeks after for answers. She never gave a consistent answer. She's starting to party more and is trying so hard to be 'social'.

 

Relationship was going perfectly. Had trust (she could be out with guys and I could be out with girls and we'd be cool with it), we were quite different in lifestyle (both in the creative arts) but shared similar moral interests and loved spending time together, so I can definitely count it as a 'healthy relationship'.

 

After reading Homebrews posts, I figured I'd document the events here being a GIGS dumpee to see if she actually grows out of it and comes back or if she fully moves on.

 

I am doing this because this thread making a huge difference with coping with the breakup, and I thank everyone's time and effort to share their stories and experiences for that.

 

Hard parts keeping myself motivated for self-improvement for now, because I know I won't be over her anytime soon (believe me I have tried getting over her lol). Slow and steady will get me there!

 

Thanks and remember,

'Don't apologise for not being Teflon-coated, or for quite simply having feelings and a memory that you can't just switch off or silence'

[Norajess]

when the ex is in the sowing his oats phase, will he forget about the dumpee completely? How long will this phase take and if the dumper and his new gf are flatmates living together will their relationship be stronger?

[Kona123]

This thread describes what happened to me perfectly. Here's my story if anyone is interested. Input is greatly appreciated.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/513541-broke-no-contact-didn-t-go-well

[beckles]

when the ex is in the sowing his oats phase, will he forget about the dumpee completely? How long will this phase take and if the dumper and his new gf are flatmates living together will their relationship be stronger?

 

My ex is also in a 'sow his oats' phase. While I can understand where he is coming from (I was his first gf and sexual partner) it still hurts so much! He has moved to New Zealand now so any hope of reconciliation for the mean time is off the table While they are out sowing their oats, I don't feel like they will forget about us. I feel like if you had a meaningful relationship, it will be very hard for them to forget about you for a while, no matter how hard they try (I hope so anyway!) My ex has been gone a week and am 4 days in NC, our breakup was drawn out over 2 months and I know that if there was ever to be any hope of us for the future I have to let him do this. I hope it doesn't take too long but by the looks of it on this thread it seems to be 6 months minimum before they can have gotten GIGS out of their system. I'm unsure about the new gf living with him, I have no experience in this myself I'm afraid. All we can do now is try to focus on ourselves and healing, no matter how hard it may be!

[Norajess]

My ex is also in a 'sow his oats' phase. While I can understand where he is coming from (I was his first gf and sexual partner) it still hurts so much! He has moved to New Zealand now so any hope of reconciliation for the mean time is off the table While they are out sowing their oats, I don't feel like they will forget about us. I feel like if you had a meaningful relationship, it will be very hard for them to forget about you for a while, no matter how hard they try (I hope so anyway!) My ex has been gone a week and am 4 days in NC, our breakup was drawn out over 2 months and I know that if there was ever to be any hope of us for the future I have to let him do this. I hope it doesn't take too long but by the looks of it on this thread it seems to be 6 months minimum before they can have gotten GIGS out of their system. I'm unsure about the new gf living with him, I have no experience in this myself I'm afraid. All we can do now is try to focus on ourselves and healing, no matter how hard it may be!

I feel the same way too, i have to let him do this now and let him experience it himself.

We were together for 4 years before he had to leave for further studies and it's a 7 hour time difference. He's dating the new girl for 3 months now and he look happy in his photos D: well I think we just have to 'wait' and see till it hits them. And yes meanwhile, we work on ourselves

[ally2015]

Hi Everyone! I am a new single parent and to be honest I have been left in limbo. I have spoken to friends and family with complete honesty and they cant even offer me an answer as to why I am in this situation and what I should do next so I thought I would reach out on here and hope someone else has been through this.

 

My ex and I have been together almost 4 years and have a planned 17 month old. We were living together when she was 1st born at my parents house which was very full on as we were in 1 room but we made it work. After approximately 1.5 years of living like this I asked him to move out as I discovered he was doing drugs and I didnt want any part of it around me or our child. So he moved back home and he worked hard to regain my trust and assured me the drugs had stopped. We were saving to buy a home rather then renting and were very close to our goal so decided it would be easier to continue living apart so we were on top of one another in 1 room which was my idea. So for a few months we made it work I would stay at his mums or he would stay here etc...

 

In October 2014 I became annoyed as it seemed like I was the only one making the effort anymore for him to see either of us, which was frustrating and I felt like a single parent. We were still intimate, talking about the future, he was to put it simply LAZY! In November I had enough of it and told him, I was sick of fighting for the relationship on my own, a relationship between me and him and as a family, he couldnt even be bothered to really spend time with our child which was so upsetting! He would rather hang out with his brother, not his family. When I confronted him about these issues saying I wanted out, he broke down crying, begging me to stay, that he was depressed as he hated his job and living away from us, etc... that we were so close to moving out. So i agreed to give it a go if he put the effort in. During November things were good, he was speaking to mortage brokers, speaking to my family members about how much he loves us and HE was the one initiating these conversations even with me, about having another child etc....

 

Then the next week... he left us. For the reasoning "Im not happy" nothing more, nothing less. I was like what the.... anyways a week after that we were acting fine he would come to see our child, talk to me, invited me to his xmas party etc.... THEN I found a text in his phone to a girl and confronted him about it, he denied it instantly and became VERY angry as I wouldnt give his phone back until I got an answer. I shut the front door and he ended up smashing the glass holding our child, I took her and alerted the police as he put her in danger. An AVO was placed on him which is now awaiting a hearing end of Feb. He saw her on Xmas day as I offered it for 1 hour supervised as for 2 weeks i heard nothing from him. Xmas day went fine, then after that all contact was cut. Not 1 single call or sms from him to speak to me or enquire about his child. So then I reached out to him (stupid I know) asking if he wants to see her, asking if he even cares about her due to the no contact. Would get no response or something just blaming me for him not seeing her or making contact.

 

Everything is somehow my fault despite I have done absolutely nothing wrong. He wont have a conversation with me about anything! Like he ended an engagement and walked out on his family, with no explanation and no conversation. He is clearly off with someone else enjoying the carefree, no responsibility lifestyle, not caring at all what he is doing to us. I have an exemption from child support due to the AVO so thats a bonus. I have been advised to basically wait for him to file for our child, that way i can keep her and basically have full custody until that point. I am just so frustrated as I know nothing, I just want answers so we can move forward... like will he wake up to himself and have the reality hit of what he has done... to me it seems like he wanted to leave have his fun then come back and commit...but then i found out so he kinda went stuff it... maybe drugs are involved... i just have no idea.... i love him, i know its ridiculous but we never really gave our family a real go and we were actually really really good together. I know all he has done is disgusting and unforgivable but i within myself dont feel its over... i cant explain it. i have a feeling he will attempt to come back, i just dont know! it is driving me insane thinking it over and over, like were there signs this was coming, no. Also his evil sister is in his ear and she doesnt like me mainly because i dont let her control me like she does everyone else. I just dont know what to do, has anyones partner done something similar.... i know i am being too nice offering and contacting him, just trying to show i want them to have some sort of relationship but he is the one making no contact then his sister is saying to me its because i am making it to hard!!! Delusional!! Any advice would be amazing as to what i should do regarding him and regarding our child and regarding my sanity!

[SycamoreCircle]

This belongs as an individual thread. GIGS is nowhere in the picture.

 

Were there signs that he was like this? You tell me. If I were a betting man, I'd say yes. I mean, a drug user just doesn't appear out of thin air.

 

All of what you describe is a cocktail of bad bad choices.

 

Your primary focus should not be bringing him back into the picture. Your focus should be taking care of yourself and that child. If that means you need to enlist supportive family members, if you need to move back home, whatever---do that.

 

All of your dreams of a whole family have to be put on hold.

 

Maybe this guy will straighten out his act and demonstrate that he can commit to the role of husband and father. Do I think it's going to happen anytime soon? Nope. It could be 10 years. It could be never. Some men are just seriously fractured.

 

Right now I'd be thankful this guy is not in the picture. He sounds volatile, immature and foolish.

 

Focus on you and the baby. Get emotional support from loved ones and this forum. Get your head straight. Best of luck.

[ally2015]

This belongs as an individual thread. GIGS is nowhere in the picture.

 

When i was reading the signs for GIGS at the start of this thread everything fit what he did... along with other factors of course such as drugs.

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

 

The reason and only reason he gave was 'im not happy" that is all i got nothing more nothing less and he wont communicate with me about it. i deserve more than that we were getting married and have a child.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

 

There was no warning he was going to leave. a week before he left he made a big deal about introdcing me to his grandmother which i met, why would you do that if you were going to leave? amongst other things there were no warning signs

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

 

He has completely changed and is 99% using heavy drugs

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

I got this line "i love you but not as much as before" "in a few months we can try work it out and be together" "who knows what the future holds for us" along with "id rather just kill myself then leave you and our family but i just have to"

 

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

Instantly has a 'girlfriend' that is 19 years old. i dont know her but being young and getting involved with a guy that has a child and literally just left his fiance... i dont think thats a compatible match... he is acting like a teenager so it may work for now but...

 

this is why i posted on here as he has hit all of these symptoms as well as having issues with drugs and mental health involved.

Edited February 16, 2015 by ally2015

[geronimo]

Homebrew, you are GOD! dude you got this down to the t. My gf of 5 years broke up with me out of no where (used religion/family as an excuse AFTER 5 YEARS??) she is 20 and im 23, we were recently talking alot about marriage and everything and then out of a blue she dumps me using this excuse. Also her lifestyle completely changed, this girl was the type who loved to stay in, watch movies etc etc, now shes always out going clubbing, drinking, partying. She is now seeing someone too. This girl used to cry about the fact that she never wants to live without having me in her life and was scared of losing me and now shes the one that dumps me. I was a mess in the beginnning of the breakup but now i have cut off all contact and went into complete NC. It has been 3 months since and I have not spoken to her or anything. I was on this thread today because its her birthday and I was really tempted to message her but thank god i fell upon this, i wish i could have seen it sooner.

 

I think mine is a GIGS too, but if you want to read my story i have posted it here; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/515631-overthinking-kills. Thanks alot!

[RRR]

So my now ex gf dumped me almost 1 month ago.

 

The symptoms are EXACTLY the same as described in this post!

Now, a few days ago I asked her to stop contacting me because I need time to heal.

 

I told her "Look I am willing to work on our relation, but since I see that you don't want to work on it, because you prefer to go party and be with friends, I only want you to contact me when you are serious, and not just to be friends."

 

Upon that she replied that she wants to go eat something in the near future, and that she will call me when she really wants to.

 

I dont know when she will contact me again, but what should I do now?

 

Stay in NC untill she contacts me?

When she contacts me, should I go grab a meal with her?

IF we end up grabbing a meal together, how should I act?

Should I ask her about the relationship, or wait untill she starts talking about it, what if she doesnt start talking about it?

 

All these questions in my head.. If someone could help me giving their opinion, I would highly appreciate it!

 

Thanks in advance,

RRR

[smellysocksuni]

This thread is quite interesting..

 

I believe my ex left due to getting G.I.G.S. Just before Christmas she went up to her hometown and was going out every night partying, drinking, smoking weed... it was all weird and not really how I knew her. Didn't want me to come up for New Year's because I was going to be boring and "ruin it". It was around this time that she signed up to some dating app and started sending pictures of herself naked to loads of different people. (I found out because her iPad that she'd left at home was linked to her iPhone that she had with her - lovely surprise for me!) I confronted her and... "I just wanted attention, some things that weren't you" - was her answer.

 

Met up a couple of times, and I got the "I'm in love with you but not in love with you", the "We can start again in the future" - I got them all.

 

I have read so much about this GIGS that I am convinced this is what happened. She's 26, and probably had a bit of a freak out. Was complaining of feeling "stifled" by me (?) and things like that. All out of character. Our relationship had become a BIT boring, but nothing to END it over. It could have been fixed. But anyway... my point is, I think she'll come back eventually. I don't buy that you can meet your soulmate on a dating app having sent pictures of yourself naked to someone and that's how your relationship starts :/

 

She uploads pictures everywhere with "#happy", almost as if to prove how happy she is. The last time I spoke to her she must have said the word "happy" about five times.

 

I just don't think she even knows what she's doing. No idea.

 

I am moving on though. I'm not waiting for this to happen, for her to come back - but it wouldn't surprise me.

Edited March 3, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Nolan 93]

This thread is quite interesting..

 

I believe my ex left due to getting G.I.G.S. Just before Christmas she went up to her hometown and was going out every night partying, drinking, smoking weed... it was all weird and not really how I knew her. Didn't want me to come up for New Year's because I was going to be boring and "ruin it". It was around this time that she signed up to some dating app and started sending pictures of herself naked to loads of different people. (I found out because her iPad that she'd left at home was linked to her iPhone that she had with her - lovely surprise for me!) I confronted her and... "I just wanted attention, some things that weren't you" - was her answer.

 

Met up a couple of times, and I got the "I'm in love with you but not in love with you", the "We can start again in the future" - I got them all.

 

I have read so much about this GIGS that I am convinced this is what happened. She's 26, and probably had a bit of a freak out. Was complaining of feeling "stifled" by me (?) and things like that. All out of character. Our relationship had become a BIT boring, but nothing to END it over. It could have been fixed. But anyway... my point is, I think she'll come back eventually. I don't buy that you can meet your soulmate on a dating app having sent pictures of yourself naked to someone and that's how your relationship starts :/

 

She uploads pictures everywhere with "#happy", almost as if to prove how happy she is. The last time I spoke to her she must have said the word "happy" about five times.

 

I just don't think she even knows what she's doing. No idea.

 

I am moving on though. I'm not waiting for this to happen, for her to come back - but it wouldn't surprise me.

 

The best thing to do is not dwell on the situation. I got the same phrase to "I love you, but Im not in love with you" which is a cop out to end things. There was no reason to end the relationship only reason why she ended it was cause her ex came back in the picture.

 

She comes back she comes back if not we don't need them. My philosophy is I treat all my girlfriends with respect and give them my all. So this way when things do end I know I gave it my all and I can look back and I know I did no wrong.

 

Time heals all wounds and honestly the pain is fading away.

[Van Norden]

Hey, thanks Homebrew for this thread. I just bumped it because it really made my day. After some posts I almost thought of venting my own insecurities in another "will she return?" thread. Well, I almost did that without an explicit question, in fact. But after reading the whole original thread I see that chances are that my case turns out to be another one like this. I mean, you nailed ALL the symptoms save for the "other person lurking around" (which I don't think so, but I'd never put my hand in the fire...). As for those who consider giving the ex a second chance... it really depends. I'm a bit into that bleak viewpoint in which I'd consider myself something like a second or backup option. Still I agree with the OP; we all make errors. It's up to the dumpee to fix them and how to do that and, more importantly, when. After reading some cases, I'm almost grateful that she doesn't get back with tears in her eyes asking for reconciliation after our 3 months of almost total NC. I hope she comes back later on, when we have already moved from past frustrations and are able to start again without feeling that debased.

 

So yeah. I know. Hope, the destroyer. But you know, it's always good to think that all is not lost. And yeah, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I know there's only one thing in the world which would make me feel worse: watching her making out or knowing she's with someone else. Still even in this case I would understand her and her insecurities, for I want to LOVE her instead of NEEDING her. And wouldn't consider it cheating by any means from the moment she decides to break up.

[Karin2rinkashi]

Now i know what she meant..... when i told her that this is the last time we will be talking because i am not going to stick around as "friends"

 

She said "I don't want you to go through this pain. I am sorry. :("

 

And i wanted to bang my head against the wall...

 

And then i said "Bye, L"

 

She said "Bye, *My nickname she gave me*"

 

It PISSED ME OFF!!! Why use that nickname when she has not used it in a month because we were in the middle of breaking up? Hit a chord inside me..

[Auspecial]

How many responses has this post had?

 

Many.

 

That says: this is an important issue.

 

That says: OLD does not work.

[we'llneverknow]

So.. it's been about 2-3 months since my ex bf of 3.5 years and I broke up... due to GIGS, maybe. I'm not really sure. I thought we had something really amazing, we got along really well in many aspects. However in the final 6-8 months of our relationship leading to the break up, I felt he distanced himself emotionally. We never really fought.. mostly him no longer willing to open up or communicate with me. I tried giving him space, tried being supportive, tried everything but nothing worked. I felt he still cared for me, but had somewhat emotionally checked out. After months, I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and asked him to step up and communicate with me, to care enough to work on us. Instead, he told me he can't. He felt too uncertain about his future, his career, he's unsure if he will still want to be with me in the future.

 

We're both approaching 30. I can relate to his fear of the unknown about the future, but I’m disappointed after 3.5 years he was unsure about me, esp when I was so sure about him. So I told him I can't keep being the only person willing to invest in a relationship while he sits back and just sees how things turn out. He said he loves me, but he doesn't want to waste my time, as he is just too uncertain about the future in general at this stage to decide if he wants to commit to me for the rest of his life. Well, despite saying that I rather not be in a relationship if he wouldn't put in the effort, I missed him too much and sought to reconcile 3 times within the first month of our break up, but he refused all my attempts. Said that he had been thinking about ending the relationship for a while now and believes it's the right decision, and told me to move on. I don't understand. Our relationship was strong when we found out his mother had cancer, and throughout her cancer treatments followed by his 9 months unemployment period. She eventually got better and he found a new job.. then our relationship deteriorated and he became unsure about everything. I don't know why.

 

We've had no contact for 2 months now. I feel I'm doing a lot better than 2-3 months ago, but I still miss him every day. His sister once messaged me after our break up to check up on me.. and said that she believes in her opinion that the years her brother and I have been together were the happiest years of his life. I don't get it. If he was happy, why did he become unsure about me? Is it GIGS? Quarter-life crisis? Is it because he's never really dated anyone else (I was his first girlfriend), so he wants the opportunity to see what else is out there? Or is it me? Is it because he feels he isn't financially secure enough to think about the idea of settling down and wants to focus on career? Do guys end a perfectly happy relationship with a girl because he feels he needs to be further up the career / wealth ladder and he can't accomplish that goal if he's in a relationship?

 

As you can see, I have no clue what happened. Some people said in this thread that in the case of GIGS, there's a good chance dumpers come back after a long period of time. I don't even know if I was technically the dumper or the dumpee, but I'm still holding on to the hope he'll come back. At least for now.. because if I try to convince myself he'll never come back, I kind of start to lose it and want to contact him to try work things out. Is there really nothing I can do but to just NC forever until he's experienced whatever he needs to experience? I don't hold a grudge or hate him for choosing to do what he thinks is best for him... I just wish I had some answer...

[loveweary11]

I just read this thread for the first time. After you are over the G.I.G. jerk, who would ever want that mess back?

 

I'm baffled.

[Fufu]

So.. it's been about 2-3 months since my ex bf of 3.5 years and I broke up... due to GIGS, maybe. I'm not really sure. I thought we had something really amazing, we got along really well in many aspects. However in the final 6-8 months of our relationship leading to the break up, I felt he distanced himself emotionally. We never really fought.. mostly him no longer willing to open up or communicate with me. I tried giving him space, tried being supportive, tried everything but nothing worked. I felt he still cared for me, but had somewhat emotionally checked out. After months, I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and asked him to step up and communicate with me, to care enough to work on us. Instead, he told me he can't. He felt too uncertain about his future, his career, he's unsure if he will still want to be with me in the future.

 

We're both approaching 30. I can relate to his fear of the unknown about the future, but I’m disappointed after 3.5 years he was unsure about me, esp when I was so sure about him. So I told him I can't keep being the only person willing to invest in a relationship while he sits back and just sees how things turn out. He said he loves me, but he doesn't want to waste my time, as he is just too uncertain about the future in general at this stage to decide if he wants to commit to me for the rest of his life. Well, despite saying that I rather not be in a relationship if he wouldn't put in the effort, I missed him too much and sought to reconcile 3 times within the first month of our break up, but he refused all my attempts. Said that he had been thinking about ending the relationship for a while now and believes it's the right decision, and told me to move on. I don't understand. Our relationship was strong when we found out his mother had cancer, and throughout her cancer treatments followed by his 9 months unemployment period. She eventually got better and he found a new job.. then our relationship deteriorated and he became unsure about everything. I don't know why.

 

We've had no contact for 2 months now. I feel I'm doing a lot better than 2-3 months ago, but I still miss him every day. His sister once messaged me after our break up to check up on me.. and said that she believes in her opinion that the years her brother and I have been together were the happiest years of his life. I don't get it. If he was happy, why did he become unsure about me? Is it GIGS? Quarter-life crisis? Is it because he's never really dated anyone else (I was his first girlfriend), so he wants the opportunity to see what else is out there? Or is it me? Is it because he feels he isn't financially secure enough to think about the idea of settling down and wants to focus on career? Do guys end a perfectly happy relationship with a girl because he feels he needs to be further up the career / wealth ladder and he can't accomplish that goal if he's in a relationship?

 

As you can see, I have no clue what happened. Some people said in this thread that in the case of GIGS, there's a good chance dumpers come back after a long period of time. I don't even know if I was technically the dumper or the dumpee, but I'm still holding on to the hope he'll come back. At least for now.. because if I try to convince myself he'll never come back, I kind of start to lose it and want to contact him to try work things out. Is there really nothing I can do but to just NC forever until he's experienced whatever he needs to experience? I don't hold a grudge or hate him for choosing to do what he thinks is best for him... I just wish I had some answer...

 

"but I’m disappointed after 3.5 years he was unsure about me, esp when I was so sure about him." This sentence is like a deal breaker for me. If he truly loves you, he is committed to you and it won't take him this long to figure it out.

 

You are already in 2 months of NC, move forward, don't look back at all. The answer is very clear, he refused all your attempts in reconciliation.

 

Your ex sounds like my ex-bf when he dumped me in October 2010. Together for 3 years, bought engagement rings. In the end, he told me he was unsure of our future. Despite my attempts of reconciliation, he told me he loved me but couldn't commit and show hesitation in our future. I decided to move on, (if he loves me, he wants me, that's it with all the empty love talks.)

 

And till today, he still remains as an ex. The best part - I have moved on and in a new relationship since 2013.

[we'llneverknow]

If he truly loves you, he is committed to you and it won't take him this long to figure it out.

 

You are already in 2 months of NC, move forward, don't look back at all. The answer is very clear, he refused all your attempts in reconciliation.

 

Thanks for your reply Fufu. You're right. Logically I know I should move on. I realise that there's nothing I can do at this point but continue NC while he figures things out for himself.

 

Soon I will be moving to another country soon for work, hoping by taking myself out of this environment to where there's no memories of him may help me move on faster. But I will eventually move back home in a year or two..... Which kind of got me thinking.. would a year or two apart allow him to grow and come back to me? Or would he forget about me altogether?

 

Realistically I realise it's better not to hold on to the hope of him coming back, but a huge part of me still feels like it was the right person wrong timing, you know?

Edited April 22, 2015 by we'llneverknow