"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[wilsonx]

you just tell him honestly. dont hide anything from him.

[danceallday]

This is such an amazing thread. I wish I had found this site two years ago. I made every stupid mistake that you mentioned and all that bad crap that you said would happen did happen. Maybe if I had just let me ex go and respect his decision things might have turned out so differently. Live and learn. Great information for the next time around.

[Coupedriver]

ok...lets try this..[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]I really dont know where to start this post and for those reading..better grab a bite to eat and a cold one..THIS IS A LONG ONE...OK..hmmm..where to begin...? I am a male,55 years old and was in a 7 year relationship with a woman ( 31 years old now..) and now its over..or is it..? I dont know if we can use real names so lets stick to letters.When we first ,met JA was like watching a a new world being born...like my eyes has been closed for all of those years and I finally found someone that ..just..we ..CLICKED.

We has so much in common is was SO cool..( She has a daughter by someone else..)...I tried to STAY away and so did she because of our age differences BUT that was NOT going to happen...we still made time for each other..more and more time...I told he when we first met.." NO children but I would help her raise her daughter like my own.." I asked her to move in and she did...things werent great but we did manage...we argued but who doesnt..? I gave up all of my free time..( I build Hot Rods....well DID..) to help her watch her daughter so she could go to work...We lost the house and went to an apartment,where I still watched her daughter everytime she went to work...well the apartment wasnt for us so we rented a house.

Same thing ..I watched her.Now to tell you how much I spoiled JA would take about 3 years..she never went without..I would spend money meant for lunch ( for me..)on dinners for us..cant tell you how many times that happened..Clothes..jewelery..dinners..shoes..ok,you have the picture...but we did argue pretty bad sometimes..( learned through counseling that I NEVER should have waited to talk to smooth things out..and my control issues I had.).But we agreed when we moved here..shes takes care of the inside of the house..me the outside...BUT when I would come home...DIRTY house and her watching TV.I would ask her.."Is this too much..? " "Nope ..I can handle it..she would say"..well why is the house a mess..?

Well I am tired from work...this would go for days at a time...me asking her to clean up..then an argument..then nothing..then 3 days later,we talk.I asked her to move out because maybe it would be better if we lived apart but still maintained we had.She agreed and we went on like that..OR so I thought....We had special plans to go to the Zoo over the weekend but she never called me...kinda being frantic I called her....and called and called...NO answer...Now I am REALLY freaking out...what if she is hurt or something..?

Well I wait for her in the parking lot where she works and she shows up..I ask her whats happening..? She had a look of PURE terror when I drove up..like something I havent ever seen with her.She said we need to talk..RUT RO..ok..I will meet you after work..so I wait and she says..." I love you BUT I am NOT in love with you..." WHOA..I feel my heart fall...I fall..I did everything I read about your NOT supposed to do...I cry..I babble...I promise to change..( Well I was changing through counseling BUT she never gave me the chance to tell her..)...I want to die..I tell her.."

I cant take this pain...I am going home to end my life." ..( Yeah I know ..DUMB..but it wasnt far from the truth...I DID have a plan..)..She continues to say talk but words arent really meaning anything...Like I am underwater and she is talking to me...she tell me.." I dont know who I am anymore" and I FEEL numb..." NUMB..? How do you think I ma feeling..??!?!?!?!? You told me a few months ago..{ " I LOVE YOU..YOU are the one for me...I have never had so MUCH in common with someone...your my BEST FRIEND.."...now I dont know what to believe...was she lying the whole time..? .

Oh by the way...she cheated on her last BF with his best friends..she got pregnant..She also tells me this early in our relationship...she also ADDS..I WILL NEVER LIE OR CHEAT ON YOU...!

Well guess what I found out..? She was talking to some guy for about 6 months..when I asked her this she said..."Oh,hes going through a divorce and needed someone to talk to...( I later found out he was NEVER even married..)..I told her.."JA,thats what SUPPORT groups are for..NOT YOU..he needs to work it out with his wife..your in a relationship"

WELL..we start to argue BADLY...she says.."Well I have never been SO HAPPY" UH..your in a new relationship..EVERYONE is HAPPY....She tells me..." I didnt cheat until we broke up.." UH JA..we have NEVER broken up....(counselor told me that she explains it in a way that makes sense to her so it looks like she didnt cheat..)...I fire BACK.." It will never work..its just him playing with your emotions and him being there at the right time.."!!! We fire a few more barbs..and she leaves..well I talk to her mother and ask her..."How is she..?"

Shes NOT good...the guy she is dating doesnt have a car OR a job...!!! Well she sent me an e-mail saying she DOING great..>!!! Her mothers tells me.." I dont think it will last and so does the rest of the family.."..( One more item..she still gets her mail here so her daughter can attend the local school and is WAY better then where she lives now..so I agreed to it..).We do send e-mails back and forth...once in a while...( FOR the LONGEST time..nothing...she wouldnt even answer me..)...

I drop her mail off now and then and we make small talk...but I can see behind her face she is falling apart..stressed out to the MAX.I KNOW THIS GIRL...well thought I did...oh,ok ANOTHER item..I will warn you now..this is VERY PERSONAL..but I can hide behind this computer...I found out she has HVP and yes I caught it...Now I was PRETTY scared at first and didnt FREAK out or throw her out of my house..we just kinda understood what had happened and we worked through it.Yes she still has it...now to the POINT..( Still reading..?...LOL)...a few things I NEED answers on..first off...why would she tell me all of those things and then turn around and LIE and CHEAT on me..?

Everything I did was a joke on me..?What did I mean to her..? Giving up 7 years of my life so she could go to work..Is that whats loves about..? You give and give and keep giving then find out shes lying..? How should a person expect to act after this..?. Shake her hand and say"Thanks for the laughs..?" Whoa..I am starting to sound bitter.....Not bitter..CONFUSED[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Coupedriver]

I am quite the rambling idiot aren't I..???!! LOL...Things have changed since the last posting...I will fill you in when I get back....I am a long distance truck driver and I was just called into work...

[DonDraper]

Thought you guys might be interested in this. Gives some insight into the biological aspects of GIGS. I think younger people who don't have as much experience with relationships mistinterpret the fading of limerance (read the article if you don't know that is) for "falling out of love."

 

I remember my ex told me I just seemed to love her so much more than she loved me, but I had been in a four-year relationship prior to her and just took the changing feelings in stride in a way she didn't because it was all new to her. Her previous relationships never exceeded a year.

 

Anyway, worth the read: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessResource/story?id=7183007

[edu]

if I could meet wilson, i would give him a tight hug. and we should actually make some form of arrangement to meet up somewhere. just like a UN meeting. These threads and stories really supports a broken heart and make the person come up. Anyway I am from Singapore and have been a dumpee after a 5 year relationship. am getting out of it steadily

[danceallday]

This thread is so spot on. Thank you for all of the wise words. I think GIGS also goes through mid-thirties for many people. Men seem to have a bit of a harder time with the mid-thirties thing. Men tend to explode and women tend to implode, or go further into themselves.

 

I was in a May/December relationship (I was the older one) and you would think I had seen the GIGS coming from a mile off, but I made all the classic mistakes. Now the whole relationship is in ruins. Like a huge nuclear dirty bomb went off. And here I am trying not to expire from radioactive sickenss.

[wilsonx]

if I could meet wilson, i would give him a tight hug. and we should actually make some form of arrangement to meet up somewhere. just like a UN meeting. These threads and stories really supports a broken heart and make the person come up. Anyway I am from Singapore and have been a dumpee after a 5 year relationship. am getting out of it steadily

 

If you will be my tourguide, I will go. =) I have some things I have to work on first such as working on a new career.

[Coupedriver]

Think I should re-post this in the MAIN forum..? And if you think about giving me advice about GROWING a SET..well keep that advice to yourself....

[radishes]

I posted in this forum a little bit ago, about my ex boyfriend who has GIGS and isn't quite done growing emotionally, or otherwise.

So things have calmed down a bit after college has resumed, I have a couple of things on my mind, and I'm not sure how to proceed.

We saw each other through a mutual friend, and I decided to talk to him and clear things up with him. Again he says he doesn't have any feelings for me other than that of a really good friend. So I'm okay with that. I've gotten past the point where I get upset or sad from hearing that. Of course, I feel like its a loss, but its alright.

So he really wants to remain friends with me, and I asked him why. He said it was because he really valued my realistic advice, and that we've always been good friends, so he thought it would be a big loss if we didn't remain friends. I told him that one of my concerns with doing that was if we did remain friends, and he would be dating again, hearing about it, would just bring back old wounds, and it would hurt. He replied by saying he has no intention of dating anybody right now, and is just not up for a relationship with anyone. Then I also voiced my concern that if I remain his friend now, that all possibility of ever reconciling and him seeing me in a different light goes out the window. He replied with we were friends before we started dating, and we've always been good friends, so I don't see why we can't become something more even if we are friends. I've always valued him as a really precious friend, but then I see him as something more, and I told him so. So throughout this entire conversation, he didn't look at me or make eye contact very often, he kinda just stared straight out into the distance.

So later when I agreed to run some errands with him, I asked him if it was stupid of me to have a little hope that maybe reconciling in the future might be possible. He took a while to answer, but finally came up with don't stop your life for me.

I suppose that even though I have hope, I know that both of us right now, currently, are not ready to date anybody. So I assume that's why I'm alright with seeing him, because I know that I'm not ready to date him with the way he is.

So with all this being said, should I really be his friend? I've been a little conflicted. And what is he thinking? It would be a lot easier for me to proceed if there were straight answers. I'm a bit confused. Even when we were talking with our mutual friend, he would barely look at me or in my eyes.

[wilsonx]

I posted in this forum a little bit ago, about my ex boyfriend who has GIGS and isn't quite done growing emotionally, or otherwise.

So things have calmed down a bit after college has resumed, I have a couple of things on my mind, and I'm not sure how to proceed.

We saw each other through a mutual friend, and I decided to talk to him and clear things up with him. Again he says he doesn't have any feelings for me other than that of a really good friend. So I'm okay with that. I've gotten past the point where I get upset or sad from hearing that. Of course, I feel like its a loss, but its alright.

So he really wants to remain friends with me, and I asked him why. He said it was because he really valued my realistic advice, and that we've always been good friends, so he thought it would be a big loss if we didn't remain friends. I told him that one of my concerns with doing that was if we did remain friends, and he would be dating again, hearing about it, would just bring back old wounds, and it would hurt. He replied by saying he has no intention of dating anybody right now, and is just not up for a relationship with anyone. Then I also voiced my concern that if I remain his friend now, that all possibility of ever reconciling and him seeing me in a different light goes out the window. He replied with we were friends before we started dating, and we've always been good friends, so I don't see why we can't become something more even if we are friends. I've always valued him as a really precious friend, but then I see him as something more, and I told him so. So throughout this entire conversation, he didn't look at me or make eye contact very often, he kinda just stared straight out into the distance.

So later when I agreed to run some errands with him, I asked him if it was stupid of me to have a little hope that maybe reconciling in the future might be possible. He took a while to answer, but finally came up with don't stop your life for me.

I suppose that even though I have hope, I know that both of us right now, currently, are not ready to date anybody. So I assume that's why I'm alright with seeing him, because I know that I'm not ready to date him with the way he is.

So with all this being said, should I really be his friend? I've been a little conflicted. And what is he thinking? It would be a lot easier for me to proceed if there were straight answers. I'm a bit confused. Even when we were talking with our mutual friend, he would barely look at me or in my eyes.

 

Ok, look you noticed something.

 

So throughout this entire conversation, he didn't look at me or make eye contact very often, he kinda just stared straight out into the distance.[/Quote]

 

When you are talking to someone and they do this, this is a sign of something. They are lying to you. He's is extremely guilty of something and is lying to you to try to cover up his guilt.

 

Your story is the same as everyone else on the forum and mine. Your ex is a lying piece of **** thats trying to have his cake and eat it to. Anybody that breaks up and says "I need to be single for a while/find myself/I need my space" or anything along these lines is because they became emotionally attracted to someone else.

 

We have posted already that you can't be friends with him. You need to stick NC. No matter what he says. For the next 6 months, tell yourself he's lying to you and do not contact him at all, read his texts, emails, listen to his friends, whatever.

 

He's being manipulative with you, thats why he's giving you run around answers. Look the time frame from a breakup to another relationship is typically 2 weeks to 2 months. He is already interested in someone else.

 

I got all of the same responses you did from my ex when I met up with her after our breakup. He's telling you the same thing my ex told me, dont wait around. That means they are about to start a new relationship.

 

Exit this, I know its hard but exit and go NC

[SillyS]

This is def an interesting concept, that could easily apply to millions of people out there. My ex wanted to marry me after a few months of meeting me, but as we were a year in, he suddenly was unsure of what he wanted and by the time he broke up with me--he said maybe down the line we could be together, and then said never that I hurt him too much a few weeks later because breaking up with him hurt him so much. Even though he left me.

 

I understand the situation and I respect those that have come through this syndrome to realize their mistakes. But I don't think I will be in the type of situation where my ex would ever realize or want me back, so I'll try to move on and assume the "what if" is not an option for me here.

[Rorschach64]

Sillys,

 

My ex fiancee broke up with me after accusing me of cheating based on a FB conversation that she took out of context, yet she still wanted to be friends and keep me in her life. Then how things proceeded there one of her friends got involved and suggested that there might have been someone else because of how she was acting and obviously the friend found out she was seeing someone after 4 days of being broken up with me.

 

Naturally I counter accuse her of cheating and staging the break up and she says all these vulgar nasty stuff up and including never wanting to see me again. I tell her lets stop this crap fighting and lets settle this up, I clear my name of cheating and I remove all sorts of reasons for her to break up with me and show her how she was wrong in all billions of ways but I still want to work on stuff. Her excuse to not get back together is there is "Too much hurt".

 

What I am getting at is, probably grasping at straws or finding some bs excuse to keep things apart, you know self justification as why their choice is the right and only one when/if they realize what they have done and might come back. Or so I hope...

Edited August 28, 2011 by Rorschach64

[mmiller5373]

Yeah, what is it about these GIGS dumpers that makes them blame everything on us? They're the ones that emotionally attach themself to someone else.

 

And why does it seem like a lot of them go searching for reasons to why they should break up with us? I've read a lot in this thread about them looking at text messages, Facebook, or e-mails to try to find something. Seems like most of the time they find nothing, but turn it into something.

 

Example, my ex got into my Facebook and found a conversation with a childhood friend of mine. The conversation between us was talking about my relationship troubles and the relationship troubles of my friend. Yet, my ex finds this and says I'm cheating?

[Rorschach64]

Miller,

 

I had the same thing happen to me, kind of funny. My guess is they are looking for vindication to ending the relationship so they can walk away guilt free instead of looking at their own short comings, my ex did the same thing up, down, left, and right at the end, even when I wasn't a cheater anymore in her eyes (Which she put up no fight what so ever when I was clearing my name which was weird) but she attacked my psychological stability, which I know, the US Army, and my current counsoler know I am compeletely stable.

 

Possibly a psychological self defense mechanism? Emotional immaturity? Hell if I know! Wilsonx or Homebrew might know.

[mmiller5373]

It was weird. During our years together, I had never seen her so hurt by that Facebook conversation. Honestly, I think that's when she made the decision that the relationship was over. Everything else after that was her way of saying goodbye. When she finally said it was over was when the blaming came out.

[Rorschach64]

Yup same here. She compared me to her father (weird), called me pathetic idiotic and I should wallow in my own poop because I wanted to save the relationship but ended up finding out she was seeing someone already BUT I would be the most ****ed person to think she was already seeing someone haha. Then she called me clingy, we were a LDR Singapore - East Coast US so I should have won a medal if I managed to be clingy from that far away. Finally summed it up with she regretted ever spending any time with me, she never wanted to see me ever again, and I'll never see the truth.

 

She said all that in response to me saying yeah i know you staged the break up to go be with some new dude, you used my generiosity to conduct a witch hunt, you loved playing the victim card but i wont allow it anymore, your actions are unbecoming of a good person thus you have broken my trust, my love and even friendship. Not once did I curse her out at all.

[mmiller5373]

I had a similar situation. I showed up at her house and she came running outside (hysterically) in tears. I was so confused. She even smacked me across the chest and took my car keys. Said she was so disappointed in me, said that she had just recently talked with her father about marriage with me, she just kept asking, "why? why would you do this to me? I want an answer." Later that night, she came to my house to apologize and told me everything was going to be alright.

 

Then she strung me along for another two months of hell till the end.

 

Turns out, there was another guy around 3 months before the above incident. She got herself a new job, a new group of friends, and started partying. I had no clue any of that stuff was going on during our last 5-6 months together.

[Rorschach64]

Damn I am glad I did what I did, granted I got chewed out for defending myself, instead of accepting her insistance on being friends still at least I am not a bloody cheater anymore.

 

That part where she got herself new friends and what not is some what similar too. It got to the point her friends were saying "Oh she spends more time with X she would know more." then "Oh she spends more time Y than me, X, so talk to her!" No one knew what she was doing in the end I guess just like yours.

 

Meh, I still will take her back if/when she comes back, I am willing to give it another try, but I am only speaking from 1~2 months of NC. Does your ex still talk to you or attempt to talk to you?

[mmiller5373]

Does your ex still talk to you or attempt to talk to you?

 

No. She broke up with me a year ago. I was unemployed and broke at the time, so my mind wasn't in the best place (also add in the hell she put me through for months before that). I had no idea what I was suppose to do during a breakup because I hadn't dealt with one before. Nobody gave me the right answers (I didn't find this board till months after the breakup). I couldn't stop contacting my ex. About 3 weeks after the breakup, she finally said I needed to leave her alone. I kept calling, texting, and begging (I still had no idea about the new guy, because she said there wasn't another guy). Finally, 2 months after the breakup, she changed her number. I've been NC for 8-9 months. I haven't heard a peep out of her. Nothing. I don't suspect I'll hear from her for a long, long time because she just had a baby with the new guy.

 

Looking back, I wish I would have been stronger at the time. Not because I want her back, but because my self-esteem took a hit from all the begging and the rejections that followed. I did and said a lot of crazy things after the breakup. A lot of it is embarassing.

[Rorschach64]

I'm sorry to hear that It always seems to happen when we are most down on our luck they decide to leave us and make stuff worse. I probably would have done the same as you if I never found this forum too. How did you find out about her having a kid with this new guy and yeah sometimes they like the grass on the other side

 

I view NC as my only other recourse, god knows, the forums are littered with stories where people chase and just annhilate any chance in the future, but yeah it is for you in the end.

[mmiller5373]

I'm sorry to hear that It always seems to happen when we are most down on our luck they decide to leave us and make stuff worse. I probably would have done the same as you if I never found this forum too. How did you find out about her having a kid with this new guy and yeah sometimes they like the grass on the other side

 

I view NC as my only other recourse, god knows, the forums are littered with stories where people chase and just annhilate any chance in the future, but yeah it is for you in the end.

 

She just couldn't tell me the truth. She told me "maybe it could work between us in the future" several times. That made me hold on to something that clearly wasn't there.

 

Her brother-in-law told me she was pregnant about 4 months after we broke up. It was tough news to deal with. She had the baby about a month ago and several old mutual friends contacted me on FB to ask me about it. They apparently didn't even know we were broken up, because when she left, she cut off all mutual friends and family.

 

She's not the one for me. I know that. She's a selfish human being. I deserve better than that after everything I did for that girl.

 

It's still tough to deal with though.

[Rorschach64]

Same situation comrade! Didn't get the whole truth, I got something weird like that myself but I was not sure if it was in a reincarnation fashion (she is southern indian hindu) or in this life time thing *shrug* about being together in the future. It gives me false hope now but she has been so silent for about 1~2 months now after I removed her 'victim' privilages, it makes me wonder a lot compared to other people's break ups where they see contact along the lines of 'I miss you' or some other garbage around this time frame. Sigh.

 

Ah, if I heard that news about my ex f I'd be absolutely devestated. Mortified . Heh, it is funny even when friends and family are totally shocked about the break up, but it gives you some sense that there was nothing wrong with the relationship. I never understood that approach to cutting everyone off....:|

 

You do deserve better, I do deserve beter, and everyone else does too. I forgave her, even though she never apologized for all her incredibly hurtful things, I gave her so much in the relationship and she gave so very little-I just asked for her heart and mind...that's all.

 

I don't hate her though, she thought in her odd mind she was doing the right thing for herself so...how could I? Maybe, I am too forgiving.

[wilsonx]

Possibly a psychological self defense mechanism? Emotional immaturity? Hell if I know! Wilsonx or Homebrew might know.

 

Its actually both. I will post more tomorrow. Have to go to bed but I have been watching this thread.

 

Stay tuned

[Rorschach64]

Righto! Looking forward to the response.