"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[steelgator]

Idk if this is GIGS or not

 

So my long distance girlfriend split with me recently. We were together 14 months. She was in her first year of law school so she was stressed out alot. After she visited my parents she started becoming distant and I wanted an answer. She was saying she has so much time she has to dedicate to school and she is scared we're becoming serious and she doesn't know if she's ready for that, doesn't have time for me and feels bad I'm putting in so much effort, and just wants to be friends. I said sorry but I have to move on and I stopped talking to her.

 

A week later she says sorry she could've handled it better but wants to continue talking. We talked for two more months she became silent again for another month. I told her we need to talk.

 

She tells me grandpa just died and after Law finals and looking for an internship she is lost and needs to mature and try to be happy alone. Told me she loves me but not IN love with me, although I treat her well and thinks I am too perfect for her and she felt guilty for stringing me along when she was unsure of our future. Also told me that when she hears my voice it "soothes and calms" her, which I don't know why you would leave a guy who makes you feel at ease. When I took the breakup well she said "Stoooooop being soooo great!" I could hear the emotion in her voice. It sucks but I have deactivated my facebook and am going no contact to work on myself.

[Gillan88]

Can be this syndrome linked to sex addiction?

[Arabesque]

My partner of a year recently decided that he can't move to where I want to emotionally. I told him "I want a lover ... Someone who can show me that I mean something to them...I want an equal relationship, both feeling it .. both communicating it ..." He said he loved being with me and cared for me more than I realise...but knows he's only "80% there"...and went on to say he can't give me "110%"....

.We talked about emotional commitment. He has never lived with anyone, and is himself frustrated that he can't seem to make a relationship work. He is 48. He is unhappy that he can't take it forward and he says he doesn't understand why not...I was upset, but said that I couldn't be with someone who didn't feel the same way as I do and that it was not equal, and it hurt and it was not good enough for me.

He sent me a text later saying .."I dont want to split up from you.I just dont feel that im moving it on to where you want it to go x x"

I am finding this really hard...for my self respect I need to accept that this is his way of breaking up...It doesn't feel right to just go along with this....

We used to text and talk all the time, I decided just to withdraw...NC was not discussed, but he just keeps texting me saying that he misses me and doesn't want me to think I'm ignoring him and that he cares about me . This has confused me , I did reply to his texts, but now when he keeps texting "I hope you're ok" and he misses me , I just think I should go cold turkey and ignore him.

Don't know what to do....I have never played games with texts and prefer speaking face to face but we've done that.

Should I reply in a friendly matter of fact way or should I just ignore him???

[lamis]

Told me she loves me but not IN love with me

 

I never know what this means, though my ex said the same thing to me and from reading threads here, lots of people's exes say it. For me they are the same thing, so I don't understand it. I personally just think it is a dumper's way of dealing with guilt/making you feel less bad.

 

Anyway, you did the right thing going NC. She is just going to keep stringing you along and keeping you around for your "soothing" abilities/generally being a nice guy, but never commit to you.

[1630chicago]

Just reading this thread now and starting to sound more and more like what I am going through...

 

I just turned 28 and she is about to turn 27. We met over 4 years ago when I was 23 (about to turn 24) and she was 22 (about to turn 23). From the first moment we met, there was an incredible instant connection and we were inseparable. We were best friends, complimented and completed each other perfectly, etc. The thing I loved most about her was that I always felt like I could trust her completely – she was always there for me, always stood by me during the tough times, and never wavered in her love and support for me and for our relationship.

 

Over the past 4+ years, we've obviously been through a lot together - getting situated with our careers, starting and completing grad school (she finished last year, I am finishing this year), family illnesses, etc. We were always there for each other through it all, and have essentially been living like a married couple the past 3.5 years.

 

Despite our closeness, she always moved slowly, and so even though we spent every night together and were always around each other, she was hesitant to move in together until 2.5 years into our relationship (due to our respective commutes to school, we ended up keeping separate places until 3.5 years), and she always seemed to think it was weird when our friends started to get engaged and get married. I knew she had been hurt before in one previous relationship, and that she moved more cautiously than I did, and so while it wasn't my preference, I was willing to move at her pace.

 

This past summer, I interned for a prestigious management consulting firm in my hometown, and had to decide at the end of the summer whether to accept a position for the following year in my hometown city or switch to the office in Chicago where we have been living for the past 6 years. I wanted to be in my hometown, and she was willing to move for me, but with her job and friends in Chicago, it seemed easier to be there, and I was willing to switch and stay in Chicago to make things easier on her if we were truly 100% committed to each other. We had that conversation, decided we were, and I switched to Chicago, prepared to get engaged once I finished school that year. We moved in together in August, finally, and everything was easy and great, albeit routine.

 

This spring, between valentines day and our anniversary in March, there was a noticeable lack of affection on her end. She was working long hours, and seemed to always be tired, which I attributed to work at the time. I would bring up my frustration with frequently being rebuffed, but we still had a very close physical relationship (just not manifested through sex). In March, we went on vacation to the Cayman Islands. The Saturday after we got back, my birthday weekend, she woke up and was upset. She said she hadn't been happy and thought we should break up. This had happened once before in our relationship (6 months in), but it was due to a big school decision that was causing her stress and that I was (wrongly) pressuring her about, and we ultimately resolved everything that day. This time, we talked about how she was feeling, about our future, and about the need to decide one way or the other after 4+ years. From that, we began a state of limbo, where we would take time to work on our relationship and ultimately make a decision over the next month on our future together.

 

The conversation caught me off guard and served as a huge wake-up call for me. The reality of possibly losing her made me realize that I did not want to live my life without her. I was determined to win her back, and began to do everything in my power to show her how much I loved and appreciated her. During this time, our relationship was much better, and she was very reassuring and made me think that things would ultimately work out.

 

10 days after our original talk, and after numerous other talks and emails in the preceding days, we sat down to talk again and I said how hard this was on me, and how I didn't know how much longer I could handle the uncertainty. She seemed to wake up to what was happening, saying "oh god" when realizing what she had put me through the past 10 days. She said she wanted to take breaking up off the table, that she was 100% committed to us and to getting engaged, etc.

 

Over the next three weeks, our relationship continued to be great (at least in my opinion). We were appreciating each other more, being more affectionate and planning our future together (buying new kitchen ware we needed, shopping for engagement rings, looking at our next apt, discussing the type of dog that we were planning to get, etc.). Last weekend, we went running together, went out to dinner on Saturday night, checked out a new apartment on Sunday and cooked dinner on Sunday night. On Monday morning, we talked about a non-refundable hotel that we were planning to book for an upcoming Europe trip together. I said I was going to book it that day, and she said to do it.

 

On Monday night, she got home, and I could tell something was wrong. I asked if it was about us, and she said that while things had been better, she still wasn't happy, and felt like something was missing/that she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right.

 

She comes from a family that is not as expressive or open with communicating, and so it is sometimes hard for her to communicate her feelings. It is a frustration, because I am very open and like to talk things out, and sometimes feel that I have to tiptoe around the issue or else she will get upset and cry and we won't be able to resolve anything. However, it is something she is working on and something I accept about her, because I love her for who she is.

 

In any case, she couldn't give me much more in the way of details, said she "didn't know" what was wrong, and that she would spend the night on the couch. I ended up taking the couch, and over the course of the night I came into our bedroom a few times because I was torn up. Eventually, I went back to sleep on the couch and she came out and spent the rest of the night with me on the couch. On Tuesday morning, she said she wanted to spend the night at her best friend's, and thought a day apart would be helpful. That day and the next, she was cold and limited in responding to my emails and texts.

 

On Wednesday night, she came home to talk. We held each other and cried. I asked if this is what she really wanted, and she said "I don't know." I asked if there was any hope left for us, and she said "I don't know, maybe a little, but I don't know." She wouldn't tell me much else, and I couldn't pull teeth to find out the information. She ended up falling asleep in my arms on the couch. We went to bed and more or less held each other through the night (though she seemed conflicted about it).

 

On Thursday morning, we agreed that I would give her space and not contact her through the weekend while I was at home. We kissed, and she left. When I landed on Thursday night, I texted her to tell her I got in safe, and asked her to keep an open mind and think about giving us a second chance over the weekend. She said she was so sorry, that she hoped I could enjoy the time with my family, and that "Yes I do want to take this time to think. I want to do the right thing and I want to keep an open mind." Since then, I've realized that I shouldn't have begged or texted, and I am trying not to communicate with her. I only heard from her on Sunday morning (today), when she texted to ask if I would be back Sunday or Monday (I had told her when I left that I would be back Monday).

 

I guess I'm struggling because I don't know what changed or why, and she won't give me answers. She claims that there is no one else, and I have no reason to suspect that there would be. I know that she has been thinking about this for a long time (she is not a rash decision-maker), and she says that she has been feeling this way for "a few months, maybe more." She is unhappy and seems to feel like something is missing, but either can't or won't describe what it is. I know she has been working long hours, and I don't know if that has contributed to her unhappiness.

 

During the last year of our relationship, I went through a period where I had questions and doubts. Part of it was fueled by a lack of excitement and just the monotonous routine that we had gotten into, part of it was fueled by the reality that this is the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I still loved her and did everything I could to make her happy, however. I don't know if she has the same feelings now, or what she is thinking.

 

I feel as though I have been left at the alter. All of a sudden, I don't recognize the person I have shared the last four years of my life with. I think back and can't figure out anything big that I did wrong to cause this. I always cared for her, went out of my way to make her happy and do for her, etc. I know I need to have respect for myself, and that her actions are inexcusable, but at the same time, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this person. How do I give up on that? I'm trying to follow the no contact advice, and I know that irrespective of what happens when I get home on Monday, we will need to take a break and she will have to move out, but it is all selfishly in an effort to get her to wake up and realize what she's done, and hopefully come back to me.

 

Any thoughts to help interpret what is happening, how I should respond/move forward, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

[Sunbathe]

I'm not sure if my recent breakup constitutes as GIGS, but it does share some similarities. My ex boyfriend (20) and I (21) had been together since high school when we were 16 and 17 respectively. At the time of the breakup, we had been together for nearly 4 years. We were each others first relationship, first kiss, first everything really.

 

For the past year or so, he had been very absent from our relationship, not really dedicating any time to me, not much affection, etc. For the entire year he was flip flopping on whether or not he wanted to break up me or stay together, and stupidly, I waited around.

 

I tried to have conversations about our future with him, and was told things like:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."

 

"I am curious about what else is out there"

 

"There might be someone who I am more compatible with"

 

"I don't want to have to miss out on things by being in a relationship"

 

Essentially, he said while everything is great between us on paper (similar interests, values, long term goals) he is just not feeling it. So he finally decided to break things off. But the thing that separates this from GIGS is that there is no other girl involved. In fact, he didn't even really talk to any other girls throughout our relationship. He is not the type of guy to hook up with random girls. He actually has some pretty feminine qualities, and has told me that for him sex is a very emotional thing, not just a physical experience as it is for most men.

 

While he acknowledged that dating other girls is a part of it, he mainly feels this way because he just wants to wake up and do whatever the hell he wants that day (aka, hanging out with his friends all the time) and live for each moment. He wants to live with that uncertainty.

 

It also goes deeper than that. He seems to be questioning literally everything. In the past month, he suddenly switched his major, applied to a different college... and has since decided to not transfer after all and wants to change his major to something entirely new for a third time! He is clearly very lost, and in his own words "needs to find himself".

 

It's all so very confusing, as he has said himself what a great catch I am and that any guy would be very lucky to have me. He told me that I am the sweetest girl he has ever met. When we said goodbye he was very emotional, and kept hugging me tightly and telling me "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through" and "I love you".

 

We have been NC since we said goodbye 3 days ago. When we said goodbye, he said we will talk soon and that he hopes we can be friends some day.

 

Is this GIGS?

[Sunbathe]

Absolutely.

 

Despite the fact that he dragged this out for a year? From what I read a GIGS breakup usually happens out of the blue, but I could kind of see this coming for a while now.

[l.k]

hey

NEED HELP

i meat my gf when i was in 12th, she was in 10th.. 2010 (i was 17 and she was 15) we were in same school..i was completely in love with her, things were going very amazing as she was my first love and my true love... we decided to get married when we both settle up, we used to live near each other (same society), the way we used to c each other in school and after school was so different, i loved her more than anything and she did too as i was the only guy who respected her feelings and cared and loved her like anything, we use to meat every day and make do love stuff.. things were very much romantic and intense... then after 5 months she told me she has to leave India and going to USA (because of her dad's and mom's fights, she and her mom and her lil bro were silently leaving India without coming into his dad's knowledge) they were going to her mom's sister's house in USA, i was heartbroken....

 

Experienced worst days of my life, then we continued our relationship as long distance... things continued going amazing.. we eventually found out that we r best for each other and will end up marrying... she cared for me allot... we use to talk almost every time... think about each other almost every time.., of course we used to fight but it was all due to distance but we after all loved each other soo much that it dint even matter.. she even said that we should try being friends coz of our fights.. but i always told her that we cant be friends ad that all these fights are coz of this distance and how much i love her beside those fights...

 

She used to care sooo much that even for once if i was not able to reply her texts or her calls (she used to call evrytime) she use to panic and ask my brothers and sisters where i am... she used to tell me that she cannot live without me and she cannot imagine her life without me, she had less friends in her school (in usa), we were excited about how we will love each other when we will meat finally after long time... discuss things that we would do after meating.. WE REALIZED THAT IT IS A TRUE LOVE

 

3 years passed i was everything for her and she was everything for me... i loved her so much because even after staying so far she did not leave my hand, she used to tell me how immature her mother have become.. act indifferently, fight uselessly with her and her sister,and how much she miss her India friends, i used to console her every time whenever their was a fight in their house (as she was feeling depressed)

things went great between me and her.. posting love stuff on fb.. celebrating each others b'day.. then suddenly she started lil ignoring me, asked for space..

 

She said she still loves me and cared for me like hell and will never stop caring for me no matter what happens, said it wasn't my fault at all..and need lil space.. started playing games with her mom's bro(as he also went to USA by then) instead of talking to me, she started sleeping early(her night and my morning here) so whenever i used to wake i use to find that she is feeling sleepy so dint talk much... stopped calling me like she used to.. i was obviously scared that i might not loose her soo i started doing evrything that a bf would do.. panic.. ask her y she is ignoring me all... then somehow i regained her attention and she started talking to me like we used to

 

4th year-

then she got admission in well known California university...and started living in her university as the university was lil far from her house things went smooth as they were going..

 

then suddenly 3 months back out of the blue she started ignoring me unexpectedly.. then when i asked her what she want.. she said she wants to breakup and want to live a single life... it was all the way unexpected and drove me mad.. it was like someone hit me with 100 bullets on my chest... i begged her... but she went cold from that caring and loving person I've known.. she said she cares me but don't feel love for anyone... she said she wants to be single.. she started partying... made more friends... drinking and and other stuff that she never did in life and no1 expected from her..

 

She started to talk rudely with me... changed her fb password (as we both knew each others fb password) she started talking to all our close mutual friends that we had in India and her college friends and ignoring me all the way... whenever i used to talk to her ask her to come back and tell her how much i love her and care for her... she acted cold and dint care started replying rudely.... it all made me mad... i couldnt belive that the person whom i have supported emotionaly evrytime and who supported me and loved me went soo cold unexpectedly.... we were about to complete our 4 years and in between it was her b'day... and i celebrated with my friends in a restaurant...

 

but it even dint work... i begged.. pleaded... did evrything that a bf would do....for few days after the breakup she used to stalk my fb id but after sometime i changed my passward... she also started seeing a guy their in her college ,he was of my age and was also indian... but i dont know what was their between him and her though she told me that they are just friends.... but she was liking his evry posts on fb , instagram, and i even found out that guys name on top of her snapchat bestfreinds list.... after second month of the breakup one night (her) she had a bad dream and she texted me for consoling... i did consolde her but she again went ignoring and cold... then again that indian guy broke her heart (i dont know how) she came to me and told me that she is heartbroken..

 

i again consolled her and asked her to come back but she again went ignoring me... then slowly she started giving me rude replies... she satrted spending time with her roomates (her new female freinds) spending time with all other people she recently made freinds.... again i found out that she is seeing another guy from her college who also indian... i dont know what she is upto... but she clearly says that she dont miss me and dont wanna be in a relationship with me... its been 3 months now... she ignores my texts and when she replies.. she acts totaly cold as if i was nothing in her life ,i am all heatbrocken as i dint expected that she would breakup like this

 

i still want her back but in way that she has always been in my life... i am so confused i know i should heal up emotionally totally but it hurts when i see her posts on fb showing how much fun she is having with friends so i finally removed her from fb and snapchat ( which i did 1-2 times after the breakup) i have half moved on but i still want her to come back in my life... and if not that at least to say sorry

i seemed like she is totally enjoying her single life now with all her male and female friends... going clubbing and drinking

 

i know she is going thru GIGS

 

i want to know that

 

are their any chances that she may regret her decision and come back ??

 

will she realize what she has lost if i go no contact now after 3 months post BU????

 

 

what should i do to make her realize that she has lost the only person in the world who could truely love her???

 

please i dont want any answers related to " you should move on and forget about her' i am already almost healed now but somewhere around i want her to miss me and realize what she has lost.... i want her to comee back realizing her mistake.... what should i do ??

 

PLEASE HELP

[unoelo1]

I'm hoping Gibson or Wilson are still around to give advice on GIGs...

 

 

Still trying to figure out whether my guy has GIGs and, if so, what stage he is currently at:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/477985-want-hear-gigs-experts

[Troyalan12345]

We broke up jan 28th we dated for almost two years

She started talking to some guy in feb. Started dating around either mid march or early april cant really pin point just know its around there

On feb 14 we had sex and three days after that as well. I slept. At her house and hung out with her still everyday.

She cried in my arms in march after we went to kohls, she was on the phone with him when i parkwd so i got mad went in the store and xame out she goes i dont like this guy i just need time im sorry

 

On easter she told me she hopped into something new and just to give her space and such

 

Last weekend she tells me i think when i realize im inlove with you youll be moved on

 

On april 16th she tells me go through hell now get me back later ( i was contacting her and blowing her up so she meant by giving he a months space )

 

So heres what i know about this loser

 

Hes completely opposite of me kindof good guy bad guy

He listens to screamo i listen to rap and so forth

 

She rushed into sex and intimacy and allt hat i believe

 

What ive seen by her is she talks to other guys as friends ( never did that with me ) she sees me sometimes but lies and says shes with someone else

 

We talked the other night and she said she doesnt know why she broke up with me and she we have unresolved issues. She still has everything i gave her notes and this bear we made in march called "forever bear" she named it that because our love is forever and she put this heart in it called one a million and the lady at the store goes make a wish " so when we walked out i go what did you wish for? She goes that we get back together someday soon.

 

And we decided to go NC till june 5th. But recently i contacted her and she tells me to move on? But the other week she says she still loves me but isnt inlove. She has a new answer every time. She also changed her number so ive decided to let her come to me. Even before her doing that we havent talked really or saw eachother in month but we talked last thursday. I want to know if this is GIGS. If it is, how should i go about this, im inlvoe with this girl and want to get her back, hope somone can help me out

[STM206]

Maybe the grass really is greener?

[FredJones80]

Maybe the grass really is greener?

 

Don't even...

 

[Troyalan12345]

Hope it is. ****ing miss her

[newenglandkid]

Please spare me a few moments to read my post and determine if my situation was similar to GIGS.

 

So my GF (23yr old) has been out of school for a year, has worked at her job since graduating and broke up with me 1 week 4 days ago. I am 22 just graduated from grad school and currently on the job hunt. I thought our relationship was very good, I did a lot of things for her like take time off of work when she had her wisdom teeth removed. Slept over her house every weekend, DD on Thursday and Saturday nights etc. Although I feel I didn't get that same type of treatment in return bc if I slept over and I wanted to watch a hockey game at 1030 at night and she wanted to go to bed, it would lead to her getting upset at me and me coming to bed eventually. Those would be the types of fights we had, little irrelevant fights that honestly were so stupid in retrospect but now I see she may have been a little selfish. But I still loved her, and if she would be willing to be less selfish I would take her back in a heartbeat.

 

When she broke up with me she told me that she had not had the same feelings for me, ever since going on a business trip to the West Coast. She went alone on this trip, we would text all the time, but she did go out to dinner at the bar and start chit chatting with other people on business. I had no problem with that, I didn't want to get mad bc she's talking with other people. She doesn't know anyone there.

 

So anyway she told me she didn't have the same feelings for me, she wasn't happy and it wasn't my fault. She also claimed the fights played a role but when I asked about it later that night she said "the fights took a toll too, idk"

 

Over the past weekend I saw her at a bar, and I ran into one of her male coworkers and we got to talking about her and he had told me that she had been acting differently that night compared to other nights when we were out together (basically drinking parting more).

 

So my question is, does this sound like a girl who has GIGS. I'm starting to think that it is bc when she went on that trip she for a taste of the single life again and she thought that would be much better then arguing with me about a hockey game. Reading the original post, a lot of the symptoms seem to match up but I'm looking for reassurance or other opinions.

 

Thanks guys for the time.

[lime87]

I read this and it sounded like my ex...but he's 31. A GIGS late bloomer perhaps?

 

He does hang around with a lot of people at work who are around 22-23...I guess it could have contributed.

 

The problem is he's reliving his youth ten years too late.

Edited May 29, 2014 by lime87
more text

[newenglandkid]

Does anyone believe my breakup (explained on the previous page) is a case of GIGS??

[umirano]

So my question is, does this sound like a girl who has GIGS. I'm starting to think that it is bc when she went on that trip she for a taste of the single life again and she thought that would be much better then arguing with me about a hockey game. Reading the original post, a lot of the symptoms seem to match up but I'm looking for reassurance or other opinions.

 

Call it what you like. She just wants to explore more after so much time with you. You're both very young. It's quite normal to up and leave at some point. Sure fights don't encourage staying, but don't beat yourself up over it. They happen in all relationships. There's no way you could have avoided it. If it didn't happen now it'd have happened a few months down the road. I don't know anybody who stayed with their gf from HS/College until the end of their 20s. And if it wouldn't have been her it would have been you at some point to leave, it's statistically guaranteed. Don't overanalyze. Do what makes you happy, see it as an opportunity to date other girls, learn more about them and have more fun.

[travelonic]

GIGS is just a waste of time to even consider, IMO.

 

And IMO, it is not - depending on how you consider it, but fortunately, neither of us are right or wrong - since opinions are not factual, but objective.

 

You look at the hoe people have, but so what? Just because people misuse the information doesn't inherently make it bad to have, or not worth considering - I mean, investigating it allows us to help put into context something that really baffles people, and understand - or at least try to - why it happens this way, and how to explain it to those who never unerwent this particular type of breakup, give them better tuned tools to help them. IMO. It is EXACTLY the means to the ends that makes it worth looking at, understanding, because it is the ENDS to the MEANS that make the particular type of breakup so painful.

[phoenix13]

So my gf wanted space at the end of April since we always did things together and I gave it to her. Then she ended up cheating on me while I was taking care of her kid (my stepkid). She stated she was being impulsive. Then I moved out which caused her to be a upset because she felt that I didn't fight for our love. The thing was I fought for it every second. I did everything for her and her kid. She said that I was perfect in everyway and continued to try and talk to me every other couple of days. I tried NC but she blew up my phone and me being weak I answered cause she said she wanted to work things out. Turns out she changed her mind because I didn't answer. Then later on she says she wants to work on our friendship to build our relationship yet she still talks to the person she cheated on me with and hangs out with them. She said it is nothing and that they have no feelings for each other and that she regrets what she did with them and just want to be friends with her. And that she only talks to her because she is a distraction. We've had sex one day and I've spent the night another day. after that we haven't talked and I know she is spending more time with this person. I know I need to move on but how do you tell your heart to. I lived with her for almost 2 years and helped her raise her kid. I've been there more than his father has and anybody else. Everyday I feel like its a battle to get out of bed and go to work. I know they say it gets easier but this pain in my chest is still here and I keep thinking that she has replaced me. This person may be a rebound but it still hurts none the less and if this relationship does last idk. I know that the other person had a gf too but they could have broken up and she could be talking to my ex. My ex is just so confusing she'll tell me she loves and how she fears if we get back together it won't be the same but that she misses me. Then other times she says she misses me sometimes. I mean I don't want to be a door mat to her. I just wish I can move on easy. I know some part of me wants her to come back. I just feel lost and confused by her actions. I told her it's not a game and that I won't be around.

[Rar0]

The grass is greener where you water it.

[Jamest85]

think uve answered one of my posts with this!

 

i have to fully walk away.. 100% no contact and not be a safety net

[redbaron005]

The grass is greener where you water it.

 

Not always true. Overwater and you can kill the grass. The grass isn't always greener but it is always different.

[ommzgn]

hello. first of all this is my first post. second, I'm not native on English so excuse me for my mistakes. Now, I want to tell my story.

 

I had a GF. we've been together for 4 yrs. she was 21 when we broke but now is 22, I'm 24. she left me exactly on dec 31 13, so it's been 5 months and counting. I still miss her, dearly, and passionately. She dumped me because she said she was not happy, and that she changed and wanted to be alone. first she asked for a time but I disagree as I found that to be unfair, so she said we were done. I cried a lot during that moment, I felt like if someone died, I honestly felt a funeral vibe. Anyway, I cried and told her that I was sad because we would never be together again, so she said that we don't know and that I always jumped to the worst conclusion.

 

I was so devastated that I didn't even go to my family dinner nor with my friends. It was the worst new year eve ever. TBH I wasn't that happy anymore in our relationship. I did love her and I worked as hard as I could for it to work, but I was unhappy because she got a new job and was very distant since then. I obviously though she was dating someone new and that that was the reason she called it quits. she obviously denied it. Anyway, days passed and she left some breadcrumbs and stuff like that. then she send me a mail saying she was sorry for the break up but that it was for the best and that I should enjoy life and stuff. I was so sad I called and beg and stuff.

 

anyway, I saw begging didn't work so I went NC to get her back. time passed and then I started to know about her through mutual friends. I was told that she got an enormous ego, thinking I was an ahole, that I was mean, a bad bf, and telling people about personal issues I never told anyone but her. that really killed me, as I would never bad mouth anyone, let alone talk about personal issues. so I called her to tell her how hurtful her attitude was towards me. she denied everything, so I told her to give my stuff back. I told her to leave her with her maid so we didn't have to see each other and she agreed. she only left a sweater and kept my most important stuff. time went by and I emailed her a sorry letter just because I wanted to forgive myself. and after that I stick to NC for real. As I said I started NC to get her back, but as time went by, I realised that it was for my own sanity. Now after 5 months and starting the 6th (almost) I realised she had GIGS. for now she's not dating anyone (at least not serious) and she hasn't left breadcrumbs anymore, so I don't know. she send me a message 2w ago because I got into a fist fight defending a random girl (I lost though) but it wasn't breadcrumb because it was not out of the blue and wasn't than intimate, though I don't know how she know about this. even though I erased her on FB sometimes I see stuff about her, like commenting on mutual friends status and stuff like that, and most of the time is stuff about love and exes and things like that. She hasn't erased any pic with me, even the romantic ones, and even though I erased her from tumblr and twitter, she still follows me. One time she change her profile pic to a very old photo I took of her. Sometime ago she called a very close friend though my friend couldn't answer so we don't know what she wanted or why she was calling. She upload a photo of her ferret but I was feeding him in the photo, solo my hands are visible. That's all, that's why I don't think these are breadcrumbs, just coincidences.

 

we were a ver cool and cute couple, she's kinda punkish dark, and me too, we were almost a concept, the best couple ever. very stylish too. most people though we were gonna get married, most we're shocked we broke up, and most told me that this was just a phase. of course not, we've been broken for (again) 5 months, and she doesn't seem to want to come back. she's been so rude and mean, specially since she talked bad about me, and about personal stuff, and I just don't know this girl anymore. she's just another person. another mean and crazy person. what so you guys think? please someone say anything, I just want to feel read and understood. greeting to everyone.

Edited June 9, 2014 by ommzgn
Adding info.

[gj13]

I read this and it sounded like my ex...but he's 31. A GIGS late bloomer perhaps?

 

He does hang around with a lot of people at work who are around 22-23...I guess it could have contributed.

 

The problem is he's reliving his youth ten years too late.

 

I read this and it mirrored my situation. He's 32 as well, and we broke up in January. We kept contact up until last week, we sometimes even went out. Last week he asked to meet up saying he'd gone out with someone (out of the blue), all the while he had kept on saying how he missed me and stuff through text the weeks before. It's so confusing. I don't know if he's going through GIG, though he did mention that he was feeling lost and felt that he should be at some other place in his life due to his age (much more established). We had talked about marriage up until a month before he broke up with me Even though we broke uo 4/5 months ago, i feel as though we just did due to my mistake of not going NC...I'm devastated.

 

Even

[TheCanadianGuy]

Hey guys, this sounds a lot like something I went through, but I wonder...

 

Do these things still apply to someone my age, and in such a short relationship?

It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage.

A: We were only seeing each other for a couple months, but I was pressuring her to make things official (long story, explanation in another thread). I've since apologized and explained that I too didn't want anything that serious but felt pressured to. Didn't change anything.

It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

A: She was young, 18, (don't worry, I'm only 19), and she has never had a serious relationship. Dated a number of guys, one for 7 months with whom she was exclusive with, and never considered him a boyfriend.

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

A: She was vague, cited perceived "drama", though we hardly disagreed, that her feelings changed, didn't like me in that way anymore despite proclaiming strong feelings for me merely days before.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

A: A bit distant about a day before it happened, that's it.

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

A: No.

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

A: Not really.

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

A: She kissed a new guy just 2-3 days after ending things with me. And now they've got a 'thing'. He's a foriegn exchange student, he won't even be in the country in a month.

Dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend

A: She's been very clear she doesn't want to see me. Oddly enough, she quickly checks my SnapChat stories (if you don't know what that is, its an app used to chat via pics/vid with text, a 'story' is a pic you leave for your friends to open if they so choose to). But it doesn't mean much.

 

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left.

 

A: We had a good relationship, but it was still in the early stages. She said she was 'falling for me', I was more thoughtful and better than other guys she's seen, I was 'perfect', etc. I don't want her back, but I wouldn't mind the opporitunity to be the one to say "no" haha.