"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[TheGrimSweeper]

Its not an uncommon thing in the low 20's with people.

 

I had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, just cause he felt like he needed to go out in the world and be himself. He never lost attraction or anything to her, after he broke up he told me how part of him kept saying how stupid he was for doing this and getting rid of this beautiful girl.

 

Few months down the road they got back together, the grass was not greener, he just needed to figure it out himself.

[pieturli]

Hmm I gotta say, I think my break up might have something to do with this. My girlfriend of 2 years (age 19) broke it off with me about a month and a half ago, citing the reason that her feelings towards me had waned. At first we suspected it was just the initial rush wearing off, but after months of trying to get the loving feeling back, it just wouldn't come.

 

I suppose my situation is different then eh? There was plenty of warning and she had been wrestling with the issue for a while. Seems a bit odd though, she herself admitted that her feelings changed around A LOT and that she just was not sure about anything. Oh well, she is gone now. We have talked a couple times, mainly when I've had some questions. I gotta admit, her answers were not always perfectly solid. Then again, she definitely didn't just leave out of the blue, there was a lot of talking and thinking about what we could do.

 

Oh well, as of now, it is over 100%. We have decided that in the future we will be friends again, but for the meantime its NC so we can both get over the relationship. We shall see how this pans out then huh:P?

Edited January 1, 2011 by pieturli

[I have no title]

I've heard that if your bf/gf dumped you because of the GIGS, then they are more likely to come back than if they would have broken up for any other reason, especially if the dumper is a man not a woman...is this actually true?

I was actually wondering if my relation suffered from GIGS or was it something else...maybe someone can help me with an advice?

 

We were together for a year, and everything was perfect until the last 2 months, when we both had exams in high school and were very stressed, and therefore fought a lot and had lots of arguments...the arguments were in 90% of cases caused by me, cause I was a little too hysterical and I always blamed him a lot for stupid things...well, when the exams finished (since we were born in different countries), he went to his home-country for the summer holliday, and I went to mine...that's when I felt the cold attitude from him....

Before we went, we already discussed a lot of times what were we going to do if we would be in a distance relationship, and i was against keeping the relationship, but he cried and begged me to keep it....well I agreed...but as soon as he went for his summer holliday, he stopped calling me, stopped texting and literary dissapeared....I could never reach him, he was never online anywhere, and didnt pick up the phone..

Well, through his mother and so, I managed to reach him and he still told me he loved me and he missed me a lot and he would never cheat on me...during the entire summer he told me 100000 stories about how he lost, forgot his telephone and how he couldnt visit me because of another 1000 problems he had.....and like that we had it for the entire summer, I called him and I always tried to reach him, otherwise he would text me like once a week or once in 10 days, and it would just be "i love you, you are so precious for me"...Once, in the end of the summer I got a long email from him saying " I love you so much and I want to struggle for our relationship, even though its very hard and I will keep trying I love you, you are the girl of my life" and so on.....I was very happy and I didnt pay attention to the fact that he could dissapear for another week after sending that email....I honestly beleived that he was too busy and occupied to call me or so....

When summer ended,I went to the university in another country, and we still were appart from each other...he promised to visit me, but he never did, and always had some excuse....Once Ive entered his facebook and Ive noticed that some of his girl-friend on facebook wrote that she loved him on his wall and stuff....I asked him who she was, and he said " oh, just a girl who fell in love with me, nothing special".....well guess what, I went to visit him in november (he didnt find time to visit me until then,and later I found out that the excuses he gave me were just stories he made up just to not to come to see me...and instead he was visiting this girl who he said was just his friend)/.....When I went to visit him, I noticed that he was constantly texting this girl (from facebook), hiding his telephone from me...I also noticed that, even though he still told me he loved me, his feelings were not as strong as before....I could see he was struggling with himself...I was crying every night cause I couldnt understand what happened to him, and it was driving him crazy...he told me that this girl from facebook is just his friend and he just liked to talk to her, bla bla bla..I wanted to break up with him cause I couldnt stand it, but he begged me to not to do it, and he said everything will be fine one day and he would make it up to me....later on, when I came back to my univ. I found his pass from his facebook and also from his skype....I've read all his messages and all their conversations...

So basically, they were together from a long time, since summer, and she didnt know about me..he was saying that he loves her and she was replying that she loves him too and all that sweet stuff....I know it was not nice of me to read everything, but otherwise he would have never told me the truth!

I also found out, that he already planned to cheat on me a week before he actually left for his summer holliday..he was flirting with some other girl on facebook in his private messages...If it was GIGS, than he wouldnt cheat on me with another girls prior to that girl he is with right now..

 

When I told him I know the truth and I know everything he broke...he told me he wanted to break up and stay friends for now, and he said "well if you dont want me and if you hate me so much right now for who I am and what ive done to you, can I try to go on with my new relationship and then see if it works out?"......I pretended I didnt care about it and I said he was free to do whatever he wanted....he kept calling me and saying that he loves me, and saying that he is extremely sorry for what he had done to me, and said that he didnt want to tell me the truth cause he didnt want to hurt me and lose me...he knew for sure he would lose me if i would find out that he cheated on me, therefore he wanted to make things work out without me knowing the truth....he told me he wanted to stop this relationship with this new girl at some point and come back to me as if nothing happened....

I kept pretending I didnt care while he was calling me and texting me constantly about how much he loves me and so on....I even pretended I had another guy and moved on (yeah, stupid me)

Then he stopped calling me after like 2 weeks and I couldnt take it anymore...I started begging him to come back and make things work out together...it didnt work of course...he started being cold, and he said he is now fully in love with his new girlfriend, even though he still has some feelings for me...He was still writing to me on skype and trying to act as if he was a friend for me..he was saying he deeply regrets that things had turned that way and so on..

Once I got drunk and he called me....I didnt pick up the phone, but then I didnt resist and called him back....he was extremely not nice, started blaming me for drinking and saying that I was a stupid girl...in the night he wrote a long message to me saying for the 100th time how much he regretted that it all turned like that, that he is guilty that he is extremely ashamed for what he had done, and that he is sad for me getting drunk and asked me to not to do it again...

Last time we talked was about what good times we had, and how perfect everything was...we started looking at our pictures together, and since I had him on the webcam, I could see he started crying...he said he wants those times back, but he cannot do anything about it now cause he has feelings for his new gf, even though he still loves me somewhere deep in his heart....

He told me he would call me and stuff, but he didnt....we didnt talk for about 20 days, and imagine Christmas, my birthday, new year's eve, and he didnt even send me one message with congrats..if he still had feelings for me, why didnt he even send me a congrats message? or maybe he just lied about it, to make me more obsessed with him?

I dont know what to think and I dont know whether I should beleive him or not...I dont know if it was GIGS what he had or something else...

If someone has time to read all this and help me, I would be very thankful!

[alaskanights]

I cant believe I found something that explains exactly what i am going through.

I am a 21 year old girl. I have been with my partner for 6 years now since we were 15. I have always felt he was the only one for me.

We have a great relationship, and he does anything for me.

He left his family, friends and his job to move to my city (1 hour away) to be with me.

We have bought 2 houses together and have 2 dogs.

We are engaged and have been for 2 years. We never set a date because the marriage part wasn't actually that important to either of us.

 

Through our time together we have done everything together and never left each others sides (because thats what I wanted). I couldnt stand being away from him for any length of time.

We had 1 mutual hobby that we would do, but apart from that pretty much just chilled at home with each other. We never go out to clubs or pubs or anything as neither of us drink.

 

He is ready for us to start a family..he really wants kids. He has wanted them for years, and its all hes ever wanted. I knew this since the start of our relationship and thought thats what I wanted too.

 

About a month ago my friend asked me to go out with her, so I decided for the first time I would go. We went to a club, had some drinks, and danced all night.

I had the most amazing night I had had in such a long time it was so much fun.

When I got home the next day, I felt like I had completely changed.

All I could think of was that I wanted to go out again because it was so much fun.

A month down the track now and I am so confused about everything.

I have no problem being away from by BF, and when I am away from him I don't think about him really, I just enjoy having my own space.

I don't know why I am feeling like this because my bf is like perfect.

Like I said he gave up everything for me, he does anything I ask, he treats me perfectly, and we never really fight. I know he would do anything for me and I know he loves me with his whole heart.

I know I love him, so I don't know whats going on with me.

I don't feel any "spark" or "passion" between us.

 

I have never dated or even kissed another guy before, and I find myself wondering what it would be like.

I know I wont find someone who treats me better then my bf does.

 

I dont know what to do. I asked him for space and he said if we had space we would just be over for good.

 

I dont want to hurt him, i just feel so lost and confused in my life like I dont know who I am.

I just want space to see what else is out there but I cant follow this desire because as you have posted in previous posts..later on I will probably come crawling back for the love he shows me.

 

Someone please help me.

[homebrew]

alaskanights,

 

Very, Very difficult situation you find yourself in.

 

I have broke up with someone due to G.I.G.S. and been dumped by someone due to G.I.G.S.

 

In my case... Due to me having G.I.G.S.... I lost the best girl in the whole world! Like you, I did have much experience other than dating her. There was nothing wrong with her... I just felt a burning need and desire to go and experience the world on my own. For me, it wasn't so much about dating other women (although that was a part of it)... but more of just something I needed to proof to myself. That I could make it there on my own.

 

For me... breaking up with her and losing her was costly (the heartache and pain was insane!)... but for me, it was the right thing to do.

 

Had I not done what I did... I believe I would have taken her for granted and I might have even resented her (although it would not have been her fault).

 

I was a little younger than you at the time... but I do believe I am a better man for it... even though it took me 13 years or so to find someone that was as good or better than her.

 

Had she still been single... I would have moved heaven and earth to be with her when I was over G.I.G.S.... but that was not God's plan for my life.

 

Let us know what you plan on doing...

[alaskanights]

I just feel like I don't have my own identity anymore I guess.

I am not sure of exactly who I am, and I just feel like I need space by myself to sort this out.

He doesn't understand this and says the only reason I would need to be by myself is so that I can see other people.

I don't want to have a relationship with anyone else..I just want to be by myself for a while so that I know that the person I am when I am with him, is the person I actually am by myself as well..

 

I just don't know if I'm brave enough to take the risk of losing him, when hes literally my whole life.

 

But like you said..I think staying and not doing anything I am going to resent him, and he doesnt deserve that either.

[homebrew]

I just feel like I don't have my own identity anymore I guess.

I am not sure of exactly who I am, and I just feel like I need space by myself to sort this out.

He doesn't understand this and says the only reason I would need to be by myself is so that I can see other people.

I don't want to have a relationship with anyone else..I just want to be by myself for a while so that I know that the person I am when I am with him, is the person I actually am by myself as well..

 

I just don't know if I'm brave enough to take the risk of losing him, when hes literally my whole life.

 

But like you said..I think staying and not doing anything I am going to resent him, and he doesnt deserve that either.

 

You are a CLASSIC example of what G.I.G.S. is... A poster child!

 

I wish I knew what to tell you... I know that several of the women on here my be able to help you further... I would create your on thread in this forum... Cut and paste your story and put what you just wrote at the bottom of it (good summary)... Once you have that... I will write more to you. There are several other users on here (women who are older and wiser than me) that I would want to chime in as well. They ARE REALLY good and will have great advice! In the tread title... put (Womens advice needed) at the end.

 

Note: There are a lot of people on here that were dumped due to G.I.G.S. so just warning you... I will chime in on the thread on who you should trust / listen to.

 

We want to help you, give you as much information as we can so that you make the right decision for yourself!

Edited January 2, 2011 by homebrew

[SithLord]

At the end of the day, it boils down to maturity and what you really what ladies and gentlemen. Its hard to understand certain things when your young and are involved in relationships.

 

 

If a person has cheated, lied, broken your heart? ask yourself honestly, do you want that negative energy back in your life, if so then prepare to deal with all the things attach to it. If you dont want to, cut'em loose.

 

Home has an understand of things because of his relationship experience in my opinion because Ive gone thru the same situations, yeah for example an Ex of mine years go, dump me, married and had kids. She truly was the love of my life, it ended because of distance. After 3 years of no contact, I contacted her and she was still very much in love with me despite being married. she told she wish things were different, how much she regrets, the grass wasnt greener and it cost her.

 

If she was single, would have I taken her back, honesty no because feelings change and i moved on to my new girlfriend. If I wanted her back i know I could of. But she had G.I.G.S and sometimes u have to let them go and experience see the world without you. If they ever come back and u decided on taking them back its on you, but i doubt it because feelings change.

 

if your looking to get revenge on your EX, best way to do is personal improvement and progress. No sense holdin on to negative thoughts if its gonna pass ways. its 2011, big things. No point to make them go throw hell although they deserve it, just to get back with them. Sometimes we let are Pride and EGO get the best of us and confuse with emotions.

Edited January 2, 2011 by SithLord

[Xero8780]

I could really use the advice from guys like sith or homebrew, would you mind reading my thread here and giving some feedback? Thank you so much

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259100/

[Duckduckgoose]

I have always felt he was the only one for me.

We have a great relationship

 

I know he would do anything for me and I know he loves me with his whole heart.

 

I know I wont find someone who treats me better then my bf does.

 

I just want space to see what else is out there but I cant follow this desire because as you have posted in previous posts..later on I will probably come crawling back for the love he shows me.

 

 

If he is the only one for you, you have a great relationship, you know you won't find someone better, then why do you want to leave again?

 

You mentioned you had a good time clubbin' with your friends. That's fine, its good to have fun (and healthy) outside of your relationship. If you let your boyfriend go, but think you might be crawling back to him later he might well have found, married, and started a family with another woman. Its never safe to assume that the person you left will wait around for you.

[Xero8780]

any tips on how to react once your ex, who left you b/c of GIGS, starts giving off signs that they regret the decision? Saying things like "i miss you" 'I am so confused" "i cant get over you" "I dont know if I made the right decision" how do I respond? Should I just straight up ask if they want to be back?

[Shannyn8877]

Homebrew-

 

Thank you for this topic/post. I was just dumped 2 weeks before christmas and a week before my ex was supposed to move into the same state as me.

 

Here is a little history. We were dating for 2.5 years and we have had a long distance relationship. He sold his things, found a job in my state, told his job he was leaving and found a place to live (move in with a mutual friend). We got into a silly fight and he took that fight and made it much bigger then it was and ran with it. Made it seem like he had a lot of thinking to do and ended up breaking up with me a week before he was supposed to move. Mind you, two weeks prior I drove 8 hours to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family and everything was fine then. He gave me bags of his clothes to bring home with me to make it easier for him to move.. which are now sitting in my room. The only reasoning he could give me was "we just don't see eye to eye on things, I don't love you anymore, I don't feel it anymore and the passion and spark are gone". He couldn't tell me when it began to happen and said it was still there on Thanksgiving (which it was.. I could tell by his actions.. nothing had changed then).

 

Any ones insight or help would be wonderful. Is this cold feet? Do you think there is a chance we will get back together? I feel like it will be easy for him to slip back into his life since he lives in a different state... He was the first to make contact. He sent me a text message on Christmas and called me the day after. Told me the "ball was in my court" for communication because he "doesn't know what I need to get over him". Pretty selfish huh?

 

I am confused.

[SDA]

any tips on how to react once your ex, who left you b/c of GIGS, starts giving off signs that they regret the decision? Saying things like "i miss you" 'I am so confused" "i cant get over you" "I dont know if I made the right decision" how do I respond? Should I just straight up ask if they want to be back?

 

My ex is doing this. I don't know what to really do either but I am just backing off and letting her think it through. She knows how I feel, I'm sure yours does also. I wouldn't pressure her into anything. Let her think. If she wants you she won't hesitate to tell you.

[Xero8780]

I am not sure if she knows how I feel exactly because I have been distant, I guess I should make how I feel clear...but I don't want to seem desperate

[Ariadne]

............

[Von]

Alaskaknights:

 

I am a 21 year old girl.

Age plays a factor in your feelings bigtime.

 

He left his family, friends and his job to move to my city (1 hour away) to be with me.

So he chased you.

 

Like I said he gave up everything for me, he does anything I ask, he treats me perfectly, and we never really fight. I know he would do anything for me and I know he loves me with his whole heart.

He sounds like a wussy nice guy that has you on a pedestal and your natural human roles are reversed. THAT IS WHY YOU ARE FEELING LIKE THIS. Women need strong manly men that: don't put them on a pedestal/worship the ground they walk on, don't give in to every demand, are a challenge and difficult sometimes, can balance being a good boy/bad boy, lead and put themselves first. You can argue with this all you want but since you are an emotional creature and genetically predesposed to be attracted to a manly man there is nothing you can do about it. You know how many times I've heard a girl say: "I just want a bad boy who knows how to be nice too and will treat me right" or vice versa. Too many to count.

 

I don't feel any "spark" or "passion" between us.

= LOSS OF ATTRACTION.

 

I know I wont find someone who treats me better then my bf does.

Yes you may if you were to leave. Theres thousands of men out there that can treat you right. Notice I didnt say millions, because most men don't understand women but enough of them do that you could find one. I'm not saying dump him and go hunting, but he needs to learn how to spark attraction in you.

 

I dont know what to do. I asked him for space and he said if we had space we would just be over for good.

Actually I either recommend getting your space and telling him to learn how how to buck up and be a man, or go to couples counseling and tell them to help you with the attraction.

 

I dont want to hurt him, i just feel so lost and confused in my life like I dont know who I am.

= You have a desire to go find who you are and date around. Which is grass is greener syndrome. But I have a theory why this even happens which i'll explain in a bit.

 

 

I just want space to see what else is out there but I cant follow this desire because as you have posted in previous posts..later on I will probably come crawling back for the love he shows me.

= You have grass is greener syndrome now. You better make a decision and stick with it. Leave or stay.

 

HOMEBREW, I applaud you for this thread and the great info you have provided and excellent discussions. But, and I respectfully need to add, your missing the point as to what CAUSES the "syndrome" to develop in the first place: LOSS OF ATTRACTION. That is the key to almost every breakup. The dumper loses attraction to the dumpee, and either A) Up and leaves quickly or B)starts thinking about leaving, feels trapped, searches for a way out, talks to their friends, gets confused, causes fights, maybe even cheats, and then dumps the relationship to go find the greener grass. So in scenario B this is what you've been talking about. But what causes the loss of attraction? Some examples: being clingy, desperate, putting the S.O. on a pedestal, fighting, smothering, jealous, insecure, boring, physical changes, bad habits, annoying ticks, loss of status, loss of money... etc etc etc....

 

I think you should study this and make it your next thread. It is the real reason for most breakups.

 

And my advice to dumpees, while your in NC, you need to learn how to spark attraction and keep it going. That is your key to a successful relationship.

 

Ok enough talk I gotta go.

[Ajax]

And my advice to dumpees, while your in NC, you need to learn how to spark attraction and keep it going. That is your key to a successful relationship.

 

 

That's all fine and good, but as a dumpee myself I'm more interested right now in killing off any attraction I have left for my ex.

[Xero8780]

Von: I am a guy and this happened to me. I dated my girlfriend for over two years and she dumped for grass is greener but looking I back I realize that while we never fought, everything seemed great, etc. it was because I put her on a pedestal, did everything for her, never argued with what she wanted, did everything for her etc.

 

So, as a "nice guy" who ended up losing his girlfriend due to loss of attraction how would you recommend I go about changing this? How, in my next relationship, or if I get back with my ex, do I become more of a challenge or whatever during the relationship without feeling like I am putting on some act.

 

Basically, what should my mindset be? What would you recommend I work on during the break? I don't want this to happen to me again but I don't want to be constantly paranoid in my next relationship that I am being "too nice" and then put on some act to seem more like a bad guy

[Von]

That's all fine and good, but as a dumpee myself I'm more interested right now in killing off any attraction I have left for my ex.

 

Oh dude I meant for the next person you meet, not your ex. Time will take away your feelings for your ex. But If you really want to "get it" when it comes to attraction go read some David deangelo stuff. And you ladies should give that stuff to your dude if you want to help him understand how to attract you and keep you around, I'm Just sayin.

[suddendumpee]

I think if I dated anyone right now, I would AUTOMATICALLY be exactly what a woman is looking for. Not because I'm trying to be a challenge, but simply because I AM a challenge right now. I'm so damn bitter and angry about my last relationship, I just don't give a shhh about anything right now. The girls I date will be falling for me left and right. haha. Sad but probably true.

[AC06]

This is a brilliant thread. It's everything that I knew for the last 6-7 months of my relationship put into words.

[Von]

Von: I am a guy and this happened to me. I dated my girlfriend for over two years and she dumped for grass is greener but looking I back I realize that while we never fought, everything seemed great, etc. it was because I put her on a pedestal, did everything for her, never argued with what she wanted, did everything for her etc.

 

So, as a "nice guy" who ended up losing his girlfriend due to loss of attraction how would you recommend I go about changing this? How, in my next relationship, or if I get back with my ex, do I become more of a challenge or whatever during the relationship without feeling like I am putting on some act.

 

Basically, what should my mindset be? What would you recommend I work on during the break? I don't want this to happen to me again but I don't want to be constantly paranoid in my next relationship that I am being "too nice" and then put on some act to seem more like a bad guy

 

I love this post. This is exactly what Im talking about and yes I have the answers you need.

 

First off, I realize now that in certain breakups the Loss Of Attraction can turn into the grass is greener thing. Its a transition the dumper goes through completely unaware to them. You named your reasons she left you, and I'd be willing to bet a few of the other "wuss" symptoms were there as well. Hey, I completely understand, I'm an ex-wuss myself and thats what caused my ex to leave me a year ago. I also decided to get this part of my life handled, and not only did it help me get over her but it totally changed my life for good.

 

The change you want to make has to come from inside first. To put simply, you need to kill your "inner child". But there is alot you hafta do and believe it or not if you totally focus on it it can happen fairly quickly. It took me four months of figuring this out on my own and lot of research to make the transition. To start off, start doing things COMPLETLY OPPOSITE of what youve been doing. Like, if you put people on a pedestal, DONT, put yourself on a pedestal. When people ask you to do things, say NO. Make yourself the most important person. Dont ask someone what they want to do or where they want to go, TELL THEM what YOU want to do and just DO IT. LEAD the way. And when someone does something you dont like, CALL THEM OUT ON IT. Dont be someones doorstep. You need to build a strong boundary around yourself like a shield the protects you from other people trying to walk all over you and push your buttons. I call this "the RESISTANCE". Its naturally a "challenge" to people and with the opposite sex creates attraction. A TON OF IT. Especially women, who love a challenge and will chase you forever if you know how to maintain it. And tease them RELENTLESSLY. They love it and its fun for you too. This is just how we are wired. Women want a man that's a challenge, will provide for them, protect them, give them good sex, and be the leader in their life that will also treat them good and show them the respect they deserve. THIS IS JUST HOW IT IS.

 

There is no "act" involved when you change your inner self, because that just becomes who you are. Just focus on yourself. I dont know your story but but with time and focus you will get over her and move on to better things. And when your over her, and if for some crazy reason she comes back, she will see you as a new person and have respect for you again, even though I find second chances to be highly unlikely to ever work with people.

 

And a "bad boy" has nothing to do with treating people like crap or acting. Its just a man that respects himself, puts himself first (not selfish), alot of the time has a dark "brooding" look, can tease people and not give a dam about the outcome, and is so confident that there really isnt anything he isnt willing to do to get what he wants. Make sense?

 

Now do yourself a favor and go read David Deangelo. Its the only program Ive found that is not a scam. Im serious. You can thank me later.

 

HOMEBREW buddy, you need to take this info and make it your own and spread the word in your own words, because this can help immensly. ATTRACTION is the key to everything.

[homebrew]

Von,

 

I agree with a lot of what you have shared in this thread. I do agree that there are a lot of people that end up in G.I.G.S. due to loss of attraction.

 

Putting someone or something on your pedestal besides yourself is very, very unhealthy.

 

I have been through G.I.G.S. myself... in my experience... I never lost attraction (physical or emotional) to the girl I decided to break up with (she was a model and never took my crap. I love strong women...). I was in my early twenties... We started dating when I was 18. I had dated around some... but not nearly as much as my friends. I wanted to prove to myself that I had "what it takes" to make it in the world. I wanted the freedom to pursue my career (which required heavy travel), I did want to date around to see what it was all about, I was a manly man in my relationship with my EX... She was a strong independent women.

 

What you are speaking too is more about people that let the spark die... Which a lot of men and women do. In my case, my EX didn't do that. I was more attracted to her in year 5 than I was in year 1.

 

Can "checking out", coasting, stop pursuing your GF / BF, letting the romance die, not doing the little things, taking them for granted, being boring, complacent, etc. develop into G.I.G.S.? Absolutely!

 

What you are talking about is something that every man and women should do in and throughout the relationship from day 1. It's more a state of being...

 

In my case, there were things that I needed to figure out for myself outside of the relationship. I was a kid and I was trying to find my place in this world. The women I was dating or relationship itself didn't define me nor would I let it. The fact that I did break up was the healthiest / best thing I could have ever done.

 

I for one did not have the need or desire to get married until I was in my early thirties and it had nothing to do with the women that I dated. I just wasn't "ready". I was working on my career, I had personal interest and goals I wanted to pursue / accomplish.

 

Your advice is sound... and some people due develop G.I.G.S. due to various "issues" which you point out. I was not one that suffered from those and neither did my EX. I was just a 23 year old kid that wanted to prove some things to myself, make a name for myself and kick start my career. G.I.G.S.? Yes! Did I put my EX on a pedestal? No. Did she put me on a pedestal? No.

[mmiller5373]

Homebrew,

 

Recently, for some reason, the weeks and months leading up to the breakup are running through my mind a lot. I seem to be remembering some of the things she said and did. We were on a break and when we got back together she wasn't the same. We got back together in May. It ended in August.

 

Pre Breakup

- It was like she was searching for something to be wrong with me. Trying to find reasons to break it off; even logging into my facebook. Even starting fights.

- Wishy-washiness, wanting to hang out one day, the next day she wanted to go out with friends. That wasn't like her at all.

- Not setting plans with me until last minute. I had several events/partys to go to and I could never get her to lock-in those dates. It was always last minute with her.

- She told me it was over several times, only to come running back a week or two later.

- Hanging with people she had told me she hated.

- Going out clubbing a lot more than usual.

- Calling, texting, and e-mailing me less.

- Using the "L" word a whole lot less.

- Telling me that we should just be friends.

- When I told her I had enough of her wishy-washiness, she apologized and said, "Just give me some time. I don't know what's going on with me."

- When the fighting started happening a lot more, I showed her a picture of us and she said, "That was a long time ago. Things aren't right." I could feel distance in her.

 

Post Breakup

- Blaming everything about the breakup on me. Taking no responsiblity for it at all.

- Acting really mean and hateful towards me. Almost a resentment. That wasn't there the week or so before.

- "We should have just been friends. Now things got worse."

- Telling me and even my grandmother, "I have no idea what's going on with me. I don't understand it either."

- "Maybe in a year or so, when things settle down. It could work."

- "My love just disappeared. I can't explain it."

- Getting into a relationship with a guy who is the opposite of me. He looks like a player. She's never been into those types of men.

- Lying to her family about the breakup and the new guy.

- "I really wish you would have understood me when I told you."

- Starting to drink at the clubs now.

- Telling me to move on with my life.

- "You're a good boy. You'll find someone nice."

- At the time I didn't think anything about it, but a month after the breakup, her brother-in-law (who's 15 years our elder) even said, "She'll date a few guys and in a few years, you'll get a phone call from her. She'll realize that she was wrong about you."

 

I'm thinkin definitely G.I.G.S. now.

[homebrew]

mmiller,

 

I believe you are correct!

 

Sounds to me like she didn't have the courage and the strength to do what was best for her... Which is to go deal with G.I.G.S. on your own.

 

She came back to you (out of her own weakness)... and blamed you / the relationship for her own shortcoming.

 

I THANK GOD that I went through G.I.G.S. myself. Otherwise when my EX "changed" her mind a week before moving out... I was easily able to tell her... HECK NO! Having been in her shoes before, I knew that she was nervous, scared and she was giving into it...

 

I heard from her several months later... She thank me so much for being strong (for myself and for her sake), for wanting the best for her even though it was not what I wanted and that she has the greatest love and respect for me. For her, I embody what love is... (Note: Whoever she ends up dating... They have their work cut out for them since I am the measuring stick!)

 

If I didn't hold her accountable to what she wanted and needed to do, I would have had the same thing happen to me that happened to you.