setting boundaries

[shlee]

Getting this all out is therapeutic to me, and if I'm lucky someone might be able to offer some insight or support if they make it through all this.

 

About 2 months ago my SO's sister sent an email to him and myself asking us to contribute $ to the very expensive birthday gift she wanted to get for her mother's bday, and specifically asking me to help her plan/cook a birthday dinner for family members, to which I agreed.

 

I followed up with her three times about this, the last time being 2 weeks ago when I found out that this is no longer an intimate family affair and that there will be 25 or more friends and family present. She never kept me in the loop on any of these changes, so I finally stopped asking her about it and assumed she was planning to have it catered.

 

The party is tomorrow, and yesterday she sent my bf a text message (but not me) telling him she wanted us at her house 7 hours before the party starts to help her set up. She did not offer to let us have the use of a bedroom/bathroom to shower and get ready for the party after setting up.

 

I worked 70 hours this week up to yesterday, and I will be putting in 8 to 10 hours today. I had my weekend planned to do all the cleaning, errands and personal projects I want to catch up on after a freaking long week at work. I don't think I should have to spend an entire day cleaning and setting up for a party that I was initially invited to help plan, and then dumped without a word. I feel a tiny bit like an *******, because his mother's birthday should probably be important to me, but it's just not - it's not even a big birthday, like at 40th, 50th, etc. It's just a random birthday. Birthdays in my family have never been a big deal, and they aren't to his parents either - but every year he and his sister act like prima donnas about their birthdays and their parents' birthdays.

 

I told my SO that I have things to do this weekend and I will have to meet him at his sister's house later in the afternoon to help with cleaning and setting up. I didn't say it, but I was thinking that it is ridiculous to spend 13 hours in one day on someone's birthday. He had also suggested that we go to his parents' house for dinner tonight and I said absolutely not. We had a tiny little argument over this this morning.

 

Am I being completely selfish here? I admit that I might feel a bit resentful because he doesn't have to spend so much time with my family.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I don't think you're being selfish. Go to the party, buy a gift, but don't get there seven hours in advance. That's simply insane. Even the sister who's planning this shouldn't get there that early.

 

Personally, big hoopla parties are reserved only for the following birthdays:

 

1-18

21

40

50

100 and every year after.

 

All other birthdays are just reminders we're one step closer to the grave.

[shlee]

I don't think you're being selfish. Go to the party, buy a gift, but don't get there seven hours in advance. That's simply insane. Even the sister who's planning this shouldn't get there that early.

 

Personally, big hoopla parties are reserved only for the following birthdays:

 

1-18

21

40

50

100 and every year after.

 

All other birthdays are just reminders we're one step closer to the grave.

I agree. The sister has issues about out-shining her brother, being the favorite/best and whatever, which is why she's going to all this effort - if she wants to waste HER time, I don't care, but I'm pissed that they are trying to rope me in on this as well. That is NOT how I want to spend my entire Saturday.

 

This is simply complaining: I said something else in the OP because it wasn't my focus, but she sent the initial email to BF and myself, asking HIM to chip in on the gift and ME to help her cook dinner for 8 people, which to me is a normal birthday and that's fine. Now I'm getting all worked up over the fact that apparently I'm considered family when she needs help cleaning and setting up, but not when it comes to buying a nice gift or actually being told what the hell is going on with the party.

 

I know this is completely silly, but I'm also (secretly) pissed off because my bf didn't get my dad a bday gift when we saw him for his birthday recently, but I am expected to get his family gifts for EVERYTHING. I don't think there's any point in bringing that up now, but for Christmas I think I'm going to suggest that I buy one gift for my family and he buys one gift for his family and we both sign each other's cards.