7 year relationship over

[emptydude]

Hi all,

 

My 7 year relationship with my girlfriend just ended (last night), and I've been up all night, and exploring my inner feelings about everything that happened.

 

So to start in the beginning, we started seeing each other when I was 19 and she was 16 years old. There was alot of drama in the beginning of the relationship in that we were caught "fooling around" by her parents, and as a result could only see each other in secret afterwards. Well, as the years went by, her parents forgave me, and everything turned out GREAT. In fact, it was probably the most ideal situation one could be in after an incident like that (parents ended up loving me, etc.)

 

So I graduate from college first, get my job (software consultant), while she studied to try to get into med school. During all that time, I can't describe how many sacrifices I had to make for us. Being with a person who is that driven isn't easy because they can't give as much time to a person as they would like (understandably).

 

So fast forward some more in time, and she eventually gets into med school. We start talking about having kids, getting married, basically our future together. At this point we are really happy and really in love with each other. Then she starts her second year, and she starts having "different feelings". I should also mention that she missed out on going out during college because 1) she was studying all the time and 2) she spent most of any free time left with me. So back to these "different feelings". She tells me that she is confused because she likes being with me, and that I make her happy, but at the same time, she has these desires to be "single" and see what that is like.

 

Now I understand the underlying desire of being single in a relationship. I think everyone that has been in a long term relationship would eventually have these curious feelings (I do too), but I'm guessing that most people recognize how special having a great relationship is, and know that they are sacrificing exploring their curious feelings because what they have right now is so good. And from what she was saying, it kind of seemed like she recognized this on a very low level, but isn't consciously aware of it (she mentioned how she wanted to be "Single" but at the same time eventually end back up together).

 

But anyways, when she was telling me all of these things, I just felt as if the relationship was pretty much over. If she can't recognize that people have to sacrifice certain things in order to have other things, I feel like there's really no point in being together.

 

So as all of this was happening, I couldn't help but feel like "begging her to stay". I started to feel very clingy, and unobjective about the situation. I wanted to tell her anything to help her realize that once she started down this road, there was pretty much no turning back.

 

But then I started to realize that thinking this way was really unhealthy for me, so basically I let her continue to talk about her "single life" desires without saying anything, and she eventually ended up saying, "I really want to break up right now and see what it's like to just be me, but at the same time, I want to be with you, and don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life." At this point I was feeling EXTREMELY sad

 

I never felt so down about life, and about myself until that moment. I wanted to cry out, "WHHYYYYY is this happening!?", and "Why can't we just be happy like we were!?!" So after she said this, I told her, "well it looks like you've made your choice abundantly clear". And then I left.

 

Now I'm just left with this feeling of emptiness and low self-esteem (and I'm usually a very confident person) and tremendous tremendous sadness. I feel like I did all the right things, and that we could have had such a happy life together if she would have just let some of those selfish desires go. But at the same time I know that those are her feelings, and if they are real to her, then how can they really be selfish? I mean it's her life, if that's what she wants, who am I to say that she can't have it?

 

So it's the next day, and it's assumed that we're broken up, so I don't know what to do. I want to call her, but know that I shouldn't. We were each other's "firsts", and it is just killing me to think that she would want to be intimate w/someone else. I'm 26 yrs old and am a living cliche'.

 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks all.

[morrigan]

I'm sorry about your breakup, but it was for the best if she had a desire to be on her own.

 

Who can be sure what she wants? There may or may not be someone else she's interested in. She seems to want to see what else is out there, unfortunately by telling you she still wants to be with you, she's giving you false hope about your future together. Give her space, but give yourself space, start focusing on interests, hobbies. Spend time with friends and family. Don't be demanding/clingy of her, and in return, she cannot be demanding/clingy of you. Since you are broken up, you both have the right to get on with your lives and see other people.

 

You're mad, upset, hurt, but you're doing the right thing in admitting that the relationship wasn't working any longer. Seven years is a long time, but people's emotions and ideas do change, and it isn't fair to either one of you to continue in a relationship where someone is not as attached anymore.

Best of luck.

[Vivid_29]

In most cases, people just don't abandon a relationship, just to see what it's like being single. Usually, another party is involved. She may have possible met someone else while in medschool.

 

You are right about her feelings. If this is the way she feels, her decision is not selfish at all. If she wants to be single to make herself happy and sane, so be it.

 

 

What's with the low self esteem? I hope you can get yourself back on your feet, get out there and hang out with friends, or keep busy to take your mind off of it. Do something good for yourself. Cherish the time spent with her and try to move on. We all have been through this. It's just that your time is now. It's gonna take some time to get past this. Give yourself some time to grieve. Never forget that time heals all.

 

Regards,

~V

 

PS - You are doing the right thing by not contacting her. Stay strong and don't ever ever beg her to come back.

[julieg]

emptydude try to focus on only today and drop the insecurity. you sound like a extremely bright focussed guy. use it to your advantage. she thinks the grass is greener. unfortunately she may lose you and the sad part is it will be too late once the situation gets complicated with new bf's and gf's. do you think that she takes you for granted- that after she looks around you'll still be available?

the best thing you can do is to start dating- you will get your confidence back and occupy some of your free time. try to spend as little time alone as possible. good luck.

[calithin83]

Hi, dont feel too depressed:( im sorry to hear this but maybe shes just curious because shes been with u for so long, maybe she just wants a break just to see if she loves u or what...i bet shes gonna come back running to u sooner or later....7 years is a long time and if u guys havent had a break then one is needed...maybe for a week or a month...it should help her realize what ure worth and stuff, if not then its definetely her loss cos id love to have a bf like u who isnt curious to be with another chick only cos u have been with me,--and i say this cos me and my bf of 3 years were also eachother first and it would also kill me to think of him having sex with another chick,a nd we broke up cos he told me the same thing ure girl told u...he told me he was curious..this killed me..all i could think was "what the hell??? i never think about being single or being with somene else but you!!, it hoenstly made me feel like i wasnt enough and he wanted to date another chick...well we broke up for a month 1/2 and eventutally he did come back! ...its scary but i dunno we are still together going through both ups and downs but its always weird cos me and my bf were eachother first and sometimes i wish we stay with eachother forever..but sometimes u never know....just hang in there!!!...she might come back she probably just needs some time, space. and u should use that time and space too, dont let ureself go crazy cos ure a great catch!!!