Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

[Teknoe]

I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

 

I emailed to apologize and she forgave me.

 

However, our last two chats I can sense a huge difference. It looks like I've lost her trust because she takes a while to respond and now her response is pretty generic. It's a stark contrast to the old way she talked with me.

 

I don't get it... I always see other guys mess up (some times bigger mess ups) but they always recover with the friend or girlfriend. For me, when I mess up once, it seems the relationship is damaged forever. I don't know why. I hate it. Why don't I get the same 2nd chances others seem to always get?

 

I regret offending her... I don't know if it'll take her time or if she really will close me off from now to the end of time. She was a good friend whom I could share anything with. I know sometimes I can be too sarcastic for my own good... she knows I didn't mean to offend her but no matter since I still did.

 

Girls, any insights/similar stories here? I always seem to somehow make one mistake with my closest girl friends, and it always changes the relationship for the worse. I'm def. still learning.

[dreamingoftigers]

It shouldn't permanently change anything, just wait it out a bit. Stay steady with who you are, she'll come around.

[Teknoe]

It shouldn't permanently change anything, just wait it out a bit. Stay steady with who you are, she'll come around.

 

 

update: she's come around a bit. She no longer initiates IM's with me, but whenever I message her she'll respond back more like her old self than when I offended her initially in November.

 

She does have a BF now, so I know she's set up some emotional boundaries with me (which is perfectly understandable) and I def. had to adjust to those boundaries.

 

If she were single, I think we would talk like how we used to.

 

But it's nice to have her back as a friend again.

[UpCon3 Guy]

update: she's come around a bit. She no longer initiates IM's with me, but whenever I message her she'll respond back more like her old self than when I offended her initially in November.

 

She does have a BF now, so I know she's set up some emotional boundaries with me (which is perfectly understandable) and I def. had to adjust to those boundaries.

 

If she were single, I think we would talk like how we used to.

 

But it's nice to have her back as a friend again.

 

Nice! You're a good buddy!

[dreamingoftigers]

update: she's come around a bit. She no longer initiates IM's with me, but whenever I message her she'll respond back more like her old self than when I offended her initially in November.

 

She does have a BF now, so I know she's set up some emotional boundaries with me (which is perfectly understandable) and I def. had to adjust to those boundaries.

 

If she were single, I think we would talk like how we used to.

 

But it's nice to have her back as a friend again.

 

Good, I have a couple of male friends. One has been a close friend for years before I met my husband, we have talked about many personal and not so personal things over the years but we do go in and out of contact over time. Just happens. Most friendships are cyclical.

 

As time goes on with the bf, he'll see that you are friends and not an issue (most likely) and then things will be easy smooth, no questions asked.

[Teknoe]

Truth is though, I would say I see her as an 80% friend, 20% crush. I have mild feelings for her. Mainly because she and I get along great I feel, and I find her attractive.

 

If she were single, I'd probably risk asking her out.

 

But she's not single, and I have had to remind myself she's taken, unavailable and that she could only be a friend at best.

[UpCon3 Guy]

Truth is though, I would say I see her as an 80% friend, 20% crush. I have mild feelings for her. Mainly because she and I get along great I feel, and I find her attractive.

 

If she were single, I'd probably risk asking her out.

 

But she's not single, and I have had to remind myself she's taken, unavailable and that she could only be a friend at best.

 

Nothing wrong with that. Hey, we're human beings, not robots. We have attractions/feelings. Unlike the lower animals, we have a BRAIN and CONSCIENCE that tells us (most of the time, anyway! ) whether or not to act on our attractions/feelings.

 

You're doing fine, Teknoe. Be HAPPY that you have a good friend in the opposite sex. If a relationship opportunity opens up in the future and she reciprocates the feelings you have for her, all the better. You guys will already have had a lot in common..

[Teknoe]

I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

 

I emailed to apologize and she forgave me.

 

 

I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

 

This was November 2010. In December, she and that guy she liked that she was going to share before I made the sarcastic comment became a couple.

 

Since then, she hasn't really talked to me. I would initiate conversations, but she'd take longer than pre-BF to reply, and sometimes very generic responses.

 

We met Summer 2010. She was single, so was I. We used to go to church together and get 1 on 1 dinner afterward. Not really a date as we always went dutch, but we got along so well and I always enjoyed her company. Vice versa, I like to think.

 

I posted an update in late March that things were getting better.

 

However, in the past month our friendship has pretty much died out. I don't see her online as much, and whenever I try to talk with her, it's just not the same (i.e. generic response, long response time).

 

I texted her this past weekend asking her how she's been. Never got a reply. I know she got the text because we used to text a lot back in the summer time.

 

I can only assume she's been busy, and of course, being loyal to her BF. Maybe she senses I like her and that scares her off with a friendship with me because it's mixed emotions. Sigh. She's a good girl... one of the good ones. Not without her issues, of course, but definitely one of the good ones. I wished when she was single I pursued her instead of the other girl. Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

 

I just feel bad because I lost out on her romantically, and now, also lost out on her as a friend (seemingly).

 

I truly believe certain people are placed in your life and certain people are taken out of your life for a reason, but I still don't like it =P

 

My plan now? Well, I ain't gonna IM or email her "get my text?" Coz I know she did. She simply chose not to answer me. I don't care how busy someone is, if they care about you, they'll respond within 72 hours. It's been about that long now. So, I get the hint. If she wishes to continue our friendship, she'll contact me. At this point, I'm not going to bother her again.

 

I have a feeling if I do that though, she won't ever initiate (at least as long as she's with her BF -- if they ever break up I could envision a scenario where she comes to me because I've always been "that safe guy" to her) and that our friendship will probably die out.

 

It sucks because Hollywood movies always show you guys who mess up (far worse than what I did might I add) and in the end they always get a 5th chance and wins the girl back. I know life ain't Hollywood but I hear stories in real life about redemption all the time. Dunno why it can't happen here like how I want it to.

 

Feeling sad and abandoned. Any words of wisdom, encouragement or similar experiences you've had would be helpful right about now. Thanks.

[crazylove]

That's a really sad story, it sounded like you guys got on so well. I think because of her relationship things have had to change. It's perfectly natural, and i wouldn't take it personally. People come and people go throughout our lives. She may come back later, she may not, but u sound like a really nice person, and to me, sounds like she's missing out on a really great pal:)

[Teknoe]

That's a really sad story, it sounded like you guys got on so well. I think because of her relationship things have had to change. It's perfectly natural, and i wouldn't take it personally. People come and people go throughout our lives. She may come back later, she may not, but u sound like a really nice person, and to me, sounds like she's missing out on a really great pal:)

 

 

Aw thanks crazylove. Well, I must also add I was telling her about my crush last summer (I was crazy infatuated with another girl) and she became my "go to friend" to tell everything about my crush. I wore the poor girl down and definitely took myself out of the equation with her.

 

One night in November I emailed her "I consider you as one of those few rare friends I feel comfortable sharing any and everything to."

 

I think that scared her off, because she was never the same with me after that.

 

It was a nice strong friendship while it lasted.

 

I texted her not too long ago and again, no reply. See each other on GChat but last I tried to talk with her she said "busy, but we'll catch up soon! next week?"

 

Of course, next week we never did.

 

Starting to get a bit peeved, honestly. I guess I just have to move on and count this as a past summer memory. A very nice one, but a memory nonetheless (i.e. it's in the past).

[uklfstyle]

It shouldn't permanently change anything, just wait it out a bit. Stay steady with who you are, she'll come around.

Yes , agree with this advice:P

[Teknoe]

Yes , agree with this advice:P

 

That was back in November though.

 

She hasn't really come around.

 

I think she's closed this chapter of her life, for whatever reason. Maybe I should close it for myself as well.

[Teknoe]

update: decided to shoot her an "update on our lives" type email, where I shared with her things on my end, asking her about hers in closing.

 

Keep in mind the week prior I messaged her on GChat to ask her how's life been (since we hadn't talked in a few months) and she said "We'll catch up next week OK!" to which, of course, we didn't.

 

So I swallowed my pride and sent her the email after she didn't contact me.

 

It's been over a week and no reply.

 

Yup, for whatever reason, she's decided to dump me as a friend. It sucks, it hurts a bit, but I ain't dead and at this point I'm kinda like whatever about it. Time to move on. It sucks mainly because this time last year we hung out and talked so much. I honestly thought she was going to be one of those few rare lifelong best friend types.

 

I guess I said too many things that rubbed her the long way, and she felt it was best to axe the friendship.

 

It is what it is, right. I can either cry about it, or move on. I'm moving on.

[crazylove]

Sorry to hear that, but yeah, I think you're doing the right thing. You can't make someone reply if they don't want to. Such a shame though. Hope you're ok:)

[Teknoe]

thanks crazylove. I am doing ok

 

Though to be honest, I still find myself thinking about her now and again. Last night I was thinking about her, mainly because I was watching the 1987 film Some Kind of Wonderful... where the main guy was chasing a girl when his best friend was the one for him instead. Naturally, I thought of her.

 

I think the reason why she dumped me as her friend was for her sake and for mine too. Now that she's in a relationship, and she probably knew I liked her somewhat or came to the recent realization that I have all along, she feels it's best to cut it off. Who knows, I could drive myself crazy speculating but I won't.

 

I'll be fine

[Afishwithabike]

Friendships come and go. Sometimes a friendship runs its course and the two people move on for a variety of reasons.

 

Once a friend of mine made comments about two of my family members. The comments were sarcastic and unnecessarily rude. I was livid. He later apologized for the comments, and I think he was sincere in his apology, but the friendship was never the same afterwards. We later stopped talking mostly because I wasn't interested in maintaining the friendship any longer. The comments were the proverbial straw the broke the camel's back. The friendship was on a downward course even before he said what he said. What he said just gave me the impetus to end things. It just showed another side of him - an immature side that didn't sit well with me.

 

I'm not sure if that's what happened in your situation, but it sounds like you're doing ok and she's doing ok as well so that's what matters.

[green_tea]

I had a male friend make what I thought was a rude/thoughtless comment in an email recently. I never replied to him, and when he wrote back a few days later, I was terse and late in my replies. I was pretty hurt by what he had said, and so was trying to wind the friendship down, as it seems this girl did with you. However he persisted (even though I'm pretty sure he could tell I wasn't being my usual self with him).

 

Eventually he wrote me something funny, and I caved and now it is all almost back to normal. We are completely platonic though, so no question of feelings on either side at all.

 

This probably doesn't help you, it was just a similar situation. Glad to hear you are doing ok.

[Badenov]

Same with me. I was a "fill-in friend" for someone while she & her other friend weren't getting along (for over a year). Once they made up, she became more & more inconsiderate of me until I finally had enough & walked away. I still have regrets & miss her (altho I see her almost every day), but she never reached out to me or gave me anything to work with.

 

Building a friendship is like building a bridge: If you don't work on it from both sides you'll never meet in the middle

[Teknoe]

Building a friendship is like building a bridge: If you don't work on it from both sides you'll never meet in the middle

 

 

Nice quote. I'll have to remember that one.

 

Yeah, it sucks but what can you do? This time last summer, we were two peas in a pod. Now, she doesn't even want to remember me, it seems. She's moved on. I am in the process of doing the same.

 

I watched this scene about a year ago and it helped me a lot then. This is a good reminder to watch it again.

 

The "people are like a tree" analogy is on the money!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBI4Bh2z9W8

[Kakajpbr2011]

don’t worry too much because we girls are like that and behave like that all the time, she might be pissed or was by the time you had the chatt after you being sarcastic, women don’t forget things easily and in our first opportunity we will try to ask why you behaved that way, most time we’re wrong because we want men (most of time) guessing what is going on our mind:p

You should habe a chat and ask her why she did change and if you have done something to her because she seems to be mad at you recently in my opnion she will open up and tell you the truth...

[Teknoe]

don’t worry too much because we girls are like that and behave like that all the time, she might be pissed or was by the time you had the chatt after you being sarcastic, women don’t forget things easily and in our first opportunity we will try to ask why you behaved that way, most time we’re wrong because we want men (most of time) guessing what is going on our mind:p

You should habe a chat and ask her why she did change and if you have done something to her because she seems to be mad at you recently in my opnion she will open up and tell you the truth...

 

 

The "riff" occurred around November last year. We haven't really talked since early March 2011. At this point, I don't see a legit reason to ask her, as she's clearly moved on and hey, honestly, she doesn't owe me an explanation. Would it be courteous on her part to? Of course, but she doesn't owe me jack squat.

 

And I really rather not be all melodramatic and go down like a little baby. I'm walking with some pride intact.

[frenchtelephones]

It sounds like you understand yourself and the situation quite well, which I think shows real maturity. I don't know how old you are, but regardless I'm impressed by your self-insight. The way you miss her (thinking of her as a missed opportunity when you watch a romantic movie) really does suggest that you're not just sad about losing a good friend, but sad about losing a woman you felt something stronger for. I don't think you should see it as a situation where you messed up though. I sounds to me like you handled it just fine.

 

She probably senses that you have some feelings for her (women are quite good at detecting subtle signs of that) and has chosen to distance herself as a result. I can think of several reasons why she'd do this. One is that she has some feelings for you too and doesn't want to put herself in a situation where she'd be emotionally torn and at the risk of cheating on her current bf. Another is that her current boyfriend isn't comfortable with your friendship and she's cutting you out of her life out of respect for him. A third is that she doesn't know how to have a "normal" (i.e fully platonic) friendship with you (depending on how flirtations and/or intense your former way of communicating was she might just find it inappropriate given the new circumstances - of course you'll know more about this than I do.)

 

At this point I think the best thing you can do is, as you put it, "keep your pride intact." Pressuring her into communicating with you will probably have a reverse effect (i.e she'll be more convinced you're in love with her and that the two of you will always be unable to have something platonic.) However, if you stop messaging her now she'll most likely always remember you as a really nice guy. And who knows, if she retains fond memories of you she might wake up one day and feel like talking to you. At this point you're powerless, which truly sucks. But that's also the reality of it; you've done everything you can, and the ball is now in her court. If you don't initiate conversation you might never hear from her again, but (particularly since your pushing her into communication is quite unlikely to garner positive results) I think that's just a risk you're going to have to take.

 

Okay this response turned out longer than I planned. I'm going through something vaguely similar so writing you an essay was sort of cathartic Good luck with everything.

[Teknoe]

Wow, honestly, I wasn't expecting this topic to be bumped after my last post, but I'm pleasantly surprised it has. I'm also shocked it has seen nearly 5,500 views as of this posting. That's quite insane. It's the highest viewed thread on this Friendship forum that I know of, by far. I appreciate everyone's advice, insight and empathy.

 

French, your reply has touched me the most of all the replies here. I want to thank you because it really did move me. Kind words from a complete stranger... somehow it feels like we "get" each other

 

 

It sounds like you understand yourself and the situation quite well, which I think shows real maturity. I don't know how old you are, but regardless I'm impressed by your self-insight. The way you miss her (thinking of her as a missed opportunity when you watch a romantic movie) really does suggest that you're not just sad about losing a good friend, but sad about losing a woman you felt something stronger for. I don't think you should see it as a situation where you messed up though. I sounds to me like you handled it just fine.

 

Thank you. Well, I'm at the point of my life where I feel I'm humble enough to accept life for what it is, and I understand you can't control anyone or force them to like you, see you, or even speak to you. But yeah, whenever I watch romantic comedies, like the last two I saw were Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) and What Happens in Vegas (2008). SKOW was about an average Joe who had a crush on the hot girl, while his best platonic friend really had feelings for him, but he didn't know it until the end. That made me think of her a lot.

 

WHIV not surprisingly Ashton Kutcher messes up with Cameron Diaz's character a ton. In the end, all is forgiven. That "frustrates" me when watching these Hollywood chick flicks. They always show guys messing up UNBELIEVABLY so, but they always get a 78th chance in the end and get the girl (back). Here in real life, I think I made one small mistake one night (acting a bit sarcastic toward her when she wanted to share about the two crushes in her life) and it kind of burned me for good. On a side note, that is something I also need to be careful about. When I become really comfortable/good friends with someone, part of me can tend to be a little sarcastic when I probably shouldn't. That's something I need to control going forward with my closer friends. And on another side note, last night I watched Back to the Future III and that also preaches the woman forgiving the man... something I wish I could experience more of in this life

 

The other thing that might have scared her off or pushed her away in addition to my sarcastic comment that one night in November 2010 was around that time I also emailed her and told her, "Hey E, I just wanted to let you know you are one of the few friends that I feel comfortable sharing anything to. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your friendship". I don't know if that scared her in any sense, how intense or serious her friendship meant to me. But I wanted to be honest and share with her what she meant to me. I made myself very vulnerable there. In the future I may not share that until it's absolutely clear she feels the same way back about me. I hate playing the game so to speak but there is something as holding back and not giving the other person complete power... even in platonic friendships (early on, at least).

 

Oh BTW I'm 27.

 

 

She probably senses that you have some feelings for her (women are quite good at detecting subtle signs of that) and has chosen to distance herself as a result. I can think of several reasons why she'd do this. One is that she has some feelings for you too and doesn't want to put herself in a situation where she'd be emotionally torn and at the risk of cheating on her current bf. Another is that her current boyfriend isn't comfortable with your friendship and she's cutting you out of her life out of respect for him. A third is that she doesn't know how to have a "normal" (i.e fully platonic) friendship with you (depending on how flirtations and/or intense your former way of communicating was she might just find it inappropriate given the new circumstances - of course you'll know more about this than I do.)

 

Great insight. I think this is pretty much right on. She probably senses I do have some feelings for her, and as to protect herself/her relationship with her BF, she's had to drop me out completely, at least for the time being. I do think if she were single we'd still be good friends.

 

In hindsight, if I was more forward with her early on in the friendship (i.e. asking her on dates and not just hang outs) I think we might have had a pretty good BF-GF relationship. But, I know things happen for a reason.

 

Oh, and we never really flirted. We were just two really good, wholesome friends. Our first meeting was a Saturday late afternoon church service and we went out to dinner 1 on 1 afterward. This happened 3 or 4 times last summer. We had also movie outings and of course, the almost daily 2 hour GChat night sessions.

 

 

At this point I think the best thing you can do is, as you put it, "keep your pride intact." Pressuring her into communicating with you will probably have a reverse effect (i.e she'll be more convinced you're in love with her and that the two of you will always be unable to have something platonic.) However, if you stop messaging her now she'll most likely always remember you as a really nice guy. And who knows, if she retains fond memories of you she might wake up one day and feel like talking to you. At this point you're powerless, which truly sucks. But that's also the reality of it; you've done everything you can, and the ball is now in her court. If you don't initiate conversation you might never hear from her again, but (particularly since your pushing her into communication is quite unlikely to garner positive results) I think that's just a risk you're going to have to take.

 

No doubt. My last contact was that lengthy email I wrote her updating her on my end, and asking her for updates on her. It's been about a month and no reply. I still see her on FB and GChat, but she doesn't message me, and I know better than to message her and pressure her any further. I've backed off, and should she contact me in the future, I will respond in kind. Until that point, nothing I can do. And honestly, not expecting her to ever contact me again (it helps when I think worse case scenario, at least, in this case).

 

Part of me thinks "Nah, she'll contact me when she's single again, just you watch" but then immediately the other part of me goes "No, I shouldn't think that. I hope it really works out for her and him. I just hope she's happy"

 

 

Okay this response turned out longer than I planned. I'm going through something vaguely similar so writing you an essay was sort of cathartic Good luck with everything.

 

No, it's OK. In fact, your reply quite made my day

 

And, for what it's worth, it's a nice "bow" on this whole situation, honestly. Your post put it perfectly, what most likely happened, what needs to happen now and just your empathy means a lot to me. It's almost like I have EXTRA peace about this situation now, so thank you.

 

Now I have to ask, you say you're going through something vaguely similar. Are you more in my shoes, or her shoes? Also, I'd be curious as to the details of the situation if you don't mind sharing. This thread is open for anyone to share THEIR OWN situations BTW. It doesn't have to be just about me and my former lady friend. In fact I'd love to read similar situations you (as in, anybody reading this) may be going through, or have gone through in the past.

[frenchtelephones]

Teknoe, I'm really happy my reply meant so much to you. It sounded like you had a pretty solid understanding of the situation to begin with and I don't really think I added very much but I'm still glad I gave you some extra closure

 

As for my situation. Well, I guess I am more in your position than hers, but my story is far more messed up than yours and only part of it relates to the topic of this thread. I'm happy to tell it and will try to do it in an as condensed version as possible, but I feel like I should warn you that it possesses some truly messed up elements that don't parallel your situation at all.

 

Okay, here goes. I knew a guy in high school. He was disabled (a genetic condition that makes him too weak to walk but also affects his general physicality to a degree.) Back then we sometimes talked -- we could have a decent conversation and share a laugh -- but I didn't consider him as even a potential friend. However, he fell in love with me. Since I didn't reciprocate on any level I gently rebuffed him, which he accepted, and for the rest of high school we were casual friends who shared some complicated emotional baggage. The first year at university we IMed a few times, however, the summer after freshman year we both came back home and struck up a far more intense friendship. I'd had a failed relationship with another guy we both knew from high school and was extremely fragile and unhappy, and he gave me wonderful support for a few months. Basically he gave me attention, affection and appreciation, but more than that he genuinely understood me; he understood me better than anyone else ever had, perhaps better than I myself did. He alluded to his old feelings for me, however, I naively (perhaps stupidly and blindly) thought (or chose to think -- I'm not sure) that he wasn't still in love with me and that chatting with him for four hours or more every day was normal and sustainable.

 

Eventually he confessed his love for me again. To begin with I told him that I didn't reciprocate and that I just wanted to be great friends. However, he told me that he didn't think it was that simple, and that he knew that in some ways I loved him back but was too afraid to admit it. Here is where our stories differ fundamentally, Teknoe. You're afraid you damaged your situation beyond repair because of some sarcastic remarks and a little too much persistence, whereas I really, truly, and unforgivably messed up. Eventually I (in a very confused and vulnerable state) began to question what I felt. I thought okay, maybe I DO have romantic feelings for him. Perhaps I'm just really afraid of society's judgment of a young woman who chooses to have a disabled boyfriend. Maybe physical attraction isn't so important. Maybe I can sort of make it work anyway." Of course part of me knew I couldn't. Part of me knew that I was telling myself many of these things to make sense of and justify my neediness, my loneliness and my desperation at the thought of losing a person who had become so important to me. I don't mean to simplify things. I think I DID (frankly still do) love his personality, that we had great conversations, and that I looked forward to seeing him with the anticipation one feels for someone one is in love with. Perhaps you could say that what I felt was romantic love without physical attraction, if such a thing makes sense.

 

Anyways, pressured by him, really confused about the nature of what I felt, and petrified of abandonment, I decided I would be willing to try a relationship. However (this is the part I feel the worst about) I agreed to this on the condition that our relationship remain a secret. But not even with this disgusting condition could I make it work. We held hands once. We never kissed. I had a meaningless one-night-stand with a guy I met at a club and told him about it (nah I guess this is the part I feel the worst about.) Soon I let him know I couldn’t manage what would when the academic year began turn into a long distance relationship. Naturally he knew that was a bull**** excuse.

 

He deleted me from facebook and we stopped talking completely, as is to be expected. To begin with I just repressed everything. However, after a while I began to dream about him. After some more time had passed the guilt began to sink in. Eventually I realized what my actions said about my human essence; I realized how callous and selfish I was and the magnitude of the damage I’d inflicted on a person who’d done nothing but love me.

Long story short (well okay it’s too late to call this story short) I felt like an awful person and was completed consumed by nostalgia for what I’d lost and remorse over what I’d done. This lasted for about a year and a half, until I decided to see a therapist.

 

In the middle of trying to sort out my painful past (April of this year) I got an email from the guy whose heart I ripped to shreds. The email led to a skype conversation where I gave him the most complex and sincere apology I possibly could, and where he said that he was okay with things now because he understood that I was an extremely unhappy and insecure person at the time and that he’d played a significant part in what happened between us by putting such strong pressure on me. Every time I tell the full story to myself I wonder how he managed to forgive me. Given what I did it seems impossible to me. But it actually happened.

 

Anyways, for the past three months we’ve tried to have a regular platonic friendship. The problem is that we never had a regular platonic friendship to begin with. What we’ve felt for each other over the years has been anything and everything but normal and causal, be it love, hate, anger and then back to love for him, and dependence, confused love, guilt, gratitude and then right back to confused love and dependence for me. I found these forums by googling “can men and women be platonic friends?” Who knows, I’m sure in some cases they can. I don’t think the kind of friendships that involve hours and hours of IMing and spending whole nights alone together are very good examples of sustainable ones, though. That kind of behavior signifies underlying attraction. If both people are attracted the friendship might transition into a happy relationship. If the attraction is one-sided the friendship will probably (depending on how well it is handled) either fade away or crash and burn. Having it fade away, the way yours is, I think is far better than what happened in my case. If it just fades there will presumably not be any bad memories, which: 1. Minimizes suffering, and 2. Makes a future reconciliation possible. I was given some sort of chance for reconciliation despite handling everything horribly, and while I think talking about what happened between us was good for both me and the guy, we came out of it understanding that the bond we’d both missed was never a friendship to begin with, but a really unhealthy combination of love and dependence. We’re not on speaking terms anymore. Ending it was completely his initiative but I didn’t argue very strongly against it. We parted on good terms this time, and part of me hopes that some day we will be able to have some kind of friendship, but truthfully speaking both our outlooks would have to change dramatically for that to ever happen. I guess it's in this way I'm sort of vaguely in your position. For now all I can do is wait and wait and wait for time to do its magic (you know, heal all wounds and make strong emotions fade), and while that happens or not, just try to go on with my life

 

I have no idea if you or anyone else bothered reading all of this. Once I got started I just kept going. I also don’t know if there is anything to learn from my mistakes. Maybe that platonic friendships are really difficult and rarely platonic. Or that being needy and desperate can make you do truly awful things if you don’t know how to restrain yourself. Or that it’s better to have a good ending than a bad one. Either way it’s time for me to make dinner now so I shall peace out

Edited July 13, 2011 by frenchtelephones

[Teknoe]

Read everything, French. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story with us.

 

 

I found these forums by googling “can men and women be platonic friends?” Who knows, I’m sure in some cases they can. I don’t think the kind of friendships that involve hours and hours of IMing and spending whole nights alone together are very good examples of sustainable ones, though. That kind of behavior signifies underlying attraction.

 

You hit a key point here. My friend E and I were doing just this, and I don't think it was a healthy purely platonic friendship. Also, at the time I was talking with E, I had a HUGE crush on another lady friend, A, whom just like E I was talking to every night for hours on end. I also obsessively told E about A almost daily, and I know that wore poor E out.

 

I honestly believe men and women can be JUST friends, however, it has to be reasonable (i.e. no more than an hour spent talking or no more than 2 hours hanging out a week 1 on 1). If you talk to that person EVERY DAY, for an hour or more, that's a sign that one party may have feelings for the other.

 

Very rare to have a VERY GOOD female-male platonic friendship, where they're spending 5+ hours a week together without at least one having some sort of underlying attraction.

 

Anyway, I also want to say you are NOT a horrible person, french. We all made mistakes. We're all human. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much over this. Yes, time will eventually heal all wounds. I'm impressed by his maturity. He sounds like a great gentleman who because of his maturity is able to forgive. Being able to forgive someone who has wronged us takes a lot of humility and maturity. Also, it's important that, in time, you learn to forgive YOURSELF.

 

Hang in there!