Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

[frenchtelephones]

Read everything, French. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story with us.

 

Aw, thanks Teknoe. Both for reading and for calling it "heartfelt" as opposed to "awful."

 

I honestly believe men and women can be JUST friends, however, it has to be reasonable (i.e. no more than an hour spent talking or no more than 2 hours hanging out a week 1 on 1). If you talk to that person EVERY DAY, for an hour or more, that's a sign that one party may have feelings for the other.

 

Very rare to have a VERY GOOD female-male platonic friendship, where they're spending 5+ hours a week together without at least one having some sort of underlying attraction.

 

Yeah I've pretty much reached the same conclusions. I loved the five-hour long IM sessions I used to have, and the afternoons we used to spend on a park bench by a lake talking about nothing in particular and never ever getting bored. But I realize I will never have, and should more importantly never ask for anything like that again from a guy I am not ready to be in a relationship with. I do believe that the best romantic relationships are rooted in solid friendship, however, close friendships that are merely like relationships are probably in most cases sustained by varying degrees of self-deception and denial by one or both parties, and are likely to have skewed and profoundly messed up power dynamics.

 

Anyway, I also want to say you are NOT a horrible person, french. We all made mistakes. We're all human. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much over this. Yes, time will eventually heal all wounds. I'm impressed by his maturity. He sounds like a great gentleman who because of his maturity is able to forgive. Being able to forgive someone who has wronged us takes a lot of humility and maturity. Also, it's important that, in time, you learn to forgive YOURSELF.

 

Hang in there!

 

Thanks for your kind words. He IS a wonderfully strong, insightful and mature person, which is part of the reason I'm mourning this so much. The fact that he's forgiven me of course makes it easier for me to forgive myself. I also finally ended up telling my close friends and family the story, and they don't really think I'm a horrible person either. However, I feel like it would be lighthearted to just forgive myself for everything and simply move on. But then again, I don't think I need to force myself to live forever in some kind of pseudo-purifying self-contempt. I really, really hate what I did the summer I was nineteen, but I can move on by telling myself that I'm not the same person now as I was then and that I would never make the same mistakes again. I don't want to say that I'm in any way happy about anything that happened, but I do think that I'm "better" person because if it. I also know that what I did didn't destroy the guy in question (he says the experience made him stronger), which also makes my actions a bit easier to live with.

 

You hit a key point here. My friend E and I were doing just this, and I don't think it was a healthy purely platonic friendship. Also, at the time I was talking with E, I had a HUGE crush on another lady friend, A, whom just like E I was talking to every night for hours on end. I also obsessively told E about A almost daily, and I know that wore poor E out.

 

Hey, I know the thread was originally about E, but (if you don't mind me asking) what happened with A?

[frenchtelephones]

This is great and thanks for sharing such a nice post here with us..

 

Thank you! (Assuming now that this was in reference to my post.)

[Teknoe]

Hey, I know the thread was originally about E, but (if you don't mind me asking) what happened with A?

 

 

Haha, it was heartache with A. Last summer it was all about A and E.

 

A was my major crush/really good friend.

 

E was my really good friend/really minor crush.

 

If A wasn't around, I'm sure my minor crush on E would have been more serious.

 

Anyway, A and I would talk hours on end every night. One night I was actually over at her place, and we talked on her sofa for 5 straight hours, without me making a move. It was just a funky "friends or more?" period for me. Eventually, I confessed (early September) and I received the "I'm not ready to date" talk. She really meant I'm not ready to date you.

 

Around this time I was sad, and E was having budding interests in her two guy friends.

 

So November time, on a particularly emotional night for me still clinging to the A rejection, I was sarcastic to E while E was sharing about her two guy crushes. That's when the whole fall-out between me and E happened. Plus, I was soooo obsessed about A -- telling E all about A, and eventually, E had enough of my A obsession.

 

I can see now from her shoes what a turnoff it was.

 

So yeah, last summer the nights were filled with laughter and emotionally connecting with both A and E. This summer, I really have had no female friends I'm talking to every night for hours on end. It's been a little sad I guess, but in another way I'm trying to embrace it, as I realize it's not healthy anyway unless she's your girlfriend.

 

The only exciting girl thing this summer for me is, tomorrow I'm meeting this girl 1 on 1 for the first time, and we're taking a walk in the park. I do like her, but I'm trying to play it cool and not be all obsessed like I was with A, b/c when I'm obsessed, it never ends well. I put the girl too much on a pedestal and it always blows up in my face.

 

So now E and I no longer talk.

 

A and I rarely talk. No need to, really. She's now a part of my past and I part of her past.

 

Learned a lot from her, though.

 

I learned not to confess my feelings for a girl friend in the future. If you have to confess, chances are, it's a 1 way street. If she likes you, she'll let you know in no uncertain terms. Plus there are smoother ways to let a girl know you like her than telling her so

[Teknoe]

Feeling weak tonight. Very tempted to email her and let her know I miss her friendship and that if I ever hurt her beyond that 1st time screwing up with the sarcastic comment, I truly am sorry.

 

Didn't email her though as it seems weak and selfish. I don't want to be a drama queen, right?

 

But it's crept back to the surface of her long lost friendship and I'm particularly bothered by that tonight. Not emailing to curse her or anything but something like

 

Hey E,

It's been a while. Last we talked you told me we'd catch up later but when it came to be later, and I initiated conversations with you, you never got back to me. I value(d) your friendship and must admit your silence has been hurtful to me. I have always viewed you as a good friend, the kind I'd have for life. Of course, to have a good friend you must be a good friend, too.

 

I admit there were times where I wasn't the best friend (or the easiest person to be around, due to my A-obsession). I completely understand if you decided it's just best to leave me in your past. If that has been your decision I will respect that and bow out after this email.

 

I want to apologize again for every time I've hurt or wronged you. I have to learn to move on myself, as I still think about our summer adventures and just what it was like to have a great friend like you last summer. But I know all good things come to an end. Perhaps you don't care, but know it meant a lot to me.

 

Please forgive me for being so selfish and not treating you better. I understand if you want to part ways. Some people come into our lives for a season. If that's the case here, so be it. I can live with that.

 

Just wanted to send you one last thank you and apology email. I will never forget you. Thank you for being part of my life last summer.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best in your future endeavors. God bless, and God be with you through and through.

-Teknoe

 

 

... bad idea, right?

[frenchtelephones]

Hello again, Teknoe I'm sorry I just disappeared from the thread (I went on vacation and didn't have internet access for a week.) As for the advisability of writing E an e-mail, I'd say it depends on if you mean what you say in it or not. My impression is that you miss her more than you feel sorry about (maybe) hurting her. Also, it doesn't seem to me that you've done anything that would warrant profuse apologies.

 

The sarcastic comment about the guy she was interested in might have hurt her (but basically everyone has said a few crappy things even to their dearest friends, and as long as you apologized afterwards it just doesn't seem very grave to me.) Talking to her about A all the time might have been more painful for her. If she had feelings for you it probably was. But then again, those conversations are not only your fault. Assuming you didn't suspect that she might have had feelings for you, talking to her about your crush doesn't seem horribly insensitive; that's the kind of thing you whine about to your close friends (and provided they don't have romantic feelings for you they find it a bit tiresome, but not heart-achingly painful ) Of course, when we're talking about intense male-female friendships it's never as simple as I put it above, and as a general rule I'd say (after the mistakes I've made) that it's always wise to tread lightly on those topics. Anyways, I suppose I'm saying that unless she indicated that she didn't want to talk about A it would have been hard for you to understand the harm you were (potentially) inflicting. Though then again the to-apologize-or-not-to-apologize question also depends on how much you talked about A. If you completely bulldozed her with rants then maybe the conversations were problematic even disregarding the feelings that might have been under the surface. There are a lot of variables here

 

My main point though is that you should ask yourself if you really feel sorry or not. If you do, then you might want to consider telling her. If you don't, and you're writing that you are mainly in hope of salvaging the friendship, then you might end up regretting it. I totally and completely understand how much you miss her, but you don't want to grovel to win her back. Basically; be sincere with yourself and with her, and only apologize for things you'd apologize for in absence of the hope that it would bring the two of you back on speaking terms. Also, I think it might be better to apologize for specific things rather than for every time you've hurt or wronged her. It carries more weight and shows that you've really thought about the things you're saying you're sorry about.

 

I think that even if you decide to apologize less you miiiight still want to let her know that you miss her and how much her friendship meant to you. If she's decided that being friends with you is not what she wants your e-mail probably won't make much difference, but then again, letting her know how much you valued her as a person can't do a horrible amount of damage either, so if making one last effort to get back in touch gives you peace of mind then I don't think it's the worst idea ever. You could consider leaving out the part about how she didn't get back to you and that her silence has been hurtful, though. What you're saying is perfectly legitimate - her silence is harsh - but accusing her is probably not the best way of getting a response. Letting her know that you miss her and how much you valued her says it all anyway

[Teknoe]

Hello again, Teknoe I'm sorry I just disappeared from the thread (I went on vacation and didn't have internet access for a week.) As for the advisability of writing E an e-mail, I'd say it depends on if you mean what you say in it or not. My impression is that you miss her more than you feel sorry about (maybe) hurting her. Also, it doesn't seem to me that you've done anything that would warrant profuse apologies.

 

 

No worries French and no need to apologize. Speaking of which, good point, I probably don't need to profusely apologize. Sometimes I can do that too much.

 

You bring up some great points. Agreed, in hindsight, apologizing for everything I ever wronged her or hurt her with sounds very generic. I need to be specific. Also another good point with me guilt tripping her with the silence thing. Consider that part axed as well.

 

A redraft... I think I won't send anything though. Had a weak moment and I think if I send it, more bad might occur than good. Anyway, a redraft for the heck of it

 

 

Hey E,

How have you been? The past couple days you came into my mind. I just wanted to take this opportunity to say I have missed your friendship. I reminisce back to last summer and recall all the great times and conversations we shared.

 

I understand with your boyfriend, new job and whatnot your life is not what it was last summer. I miss your company, though. I guess things will never be the same as they were last summer, but I miss your friendship. I know I wasn't the greatest friend at times, especially when I rambled on incessantly about A, driving you bananas. You put up with more than anyone should bear.

 

This may be futile to say now, but I truly value you as a person and as a friend, and miss having you as a friend. It's been a long time since we connected and if for whatever reasons you decided to cut me out, move on or whatever term it is one wishes to use, I'd understand. I know different people come and go. All I'm saying is I still care about you and I still care for our friendship. I hate to sound all melodramatic, but please let me know if you feel the same, or if you've changed and decided to move on. You don't have to explain the reasons you've moved on (if that's the case), but hearing it would give me more peace rather than unanswered emails and text messages.

 

-Teknoe

 

 

no matter how I write it, it just comes off wimpy, melodramatic, over-obsessive and totally the opposite of chill/casual. And I know the end results would be bad.

 

Sometimes it's better to let something die quietly and naturally than make for an even more awkward exit. I'm getting the feeling here. No matter how I word it, it all sounds the same... lame on my part, and if I were her I wouldn't want to respond to me, lol, which is kinda sad really when you think about it. I want to sound casual about it, but at the same time, eh i dunno. i'm grasping at straws here. i think it's clear the friendship has been buried on her part. and there's no use trying to salvage it.

 

i might make it worse for myself if i do try.

[Teknoe]

Praise God -- some time has lapse and my emotions are better in check now. I actually just sent E an email, but it's not what you think.

 

It was to many different friends, BCC style, where I invited them to join me for an event.

 

She may not reply, but it's all good. It shows her I still care about her, but not in a freaky obsessive sad way (i.e. sending her a personal overly long whiney email about how things have changed).

 

I have confidence in the future she and I will reconnect. Probably not on the same level as we did summer 2010 -- but I'm finally letting that memory go. I'll be chill, and she'll come around. I will be involved in some entertainment and she can check out my shows in the future.

 

But I gotta be cool and casual. If I act all melodramatic or how I normally act (i.e. over-communication when the other side doesn't necessarily want to engage in that sort of communication with me), then she probably will avoid future shows, period.

 

I listened to the old 1994 (?) song by Stevie B recently... "when you love someone you gotta learn to let them go."

 

I loved the idea of her. I loved what we shared last summer. You get the gist...

 

(Now) Peaceful in Seattle,

Teknoe

[frenchtelephones]

It sounds to me like the e-mail you sent was a good solution. I'm also glad you feel peaceful. I think the two of you will reconnect one day. You probably can't go back to the way things were, but I think you'll talk again.

[Teknoe]

It sounds to me like the e-mail you sent was a good solution. I'm also glad you feel peaceful. I think the two of you will reconnect one day. You probably can't go back to the way things were, but I think you'll talk again.

 

 

Same feelings here. No need to be all whiney and dramatic. That assures ZERO chance at possible future restoration.

 

Keep things light, cool, no pressure... chance for the friendship to maybe reform over time.

 

And yeah, it'll never be like it was summer 2010. But I think I've come to accept that at this point. She was a great friend, but she wasn't a girlfriend. It's not like my heart was broken, per se, so I know it could have been better, but it sure could have been a lot worse too.

 

My BDay is coming up soon. If she doesn't wish me happy bday, that will say a lot. Well, leaving it in the Big Guy's hands now. There's really nothing else I can do.

[Teknoe]

My BDay is coming up soon. If she doesn't wish me happy bday, that will say a lot. Well, leaving it in the Big Guy's hands now. There's really nothing else I can do.

 

 

Figure I update.

 

My BDAY passed and she didn't message me. It stung because I figured that was the final nail in the coffin.

 

But an hour after my bday passed, she texted me "Happy belated bday!"

 

In my response to her, I played it cool and chill. "Hey thanks! Hope you are well."

 

Hopefully this leads to some reconnecting down the road. Only time will tell. I guess she still cares? But of course, it'll never be the same. But I do hope we will be able to reconnect as friends. I'm ready either way, though. No high hopes, no expectations. Now it is what it is.

[Teknoe]

^ After that belated BDay text she never contacted me after that. Not too shocked, therefore, not too disappointed.

 

the other night I dreamt about her. It was surreal. I was driving on the freeway, looked in my rear view mirror and saw her right behind me.

 

As we pulled off into the same exit she cut me off! She got in front of me (I was going normal speed). Suddenly she pulled off to the side of the road. I followed suit.

 

Approached her car and did the typical "HEY! Wow, shocker running into you like this. HEY -- you cut me off!"

 

She gave me an innocent "I did??" with a playful smile.

 

sad as this may sound, it was a nice little chat we shared. then I walked into town to visit an old high school friend, then I woke up.

 

Tonight I watched Kiki's Delivery Service and really thought about her. Especially during the mini "love" scenes of Kiki and the boy. Somehow I just thought of her. I noticed on FB that she recently put up her relationship status public (in a relationship). I already knew about it, but seeing that gave me a slight twinge. She's doing well, and that makes me happy, but part of me is also sad I'm no longer part of her life, and she's no longer part of mine.

 

AH, ships that pass in the night. Just gotta keep marching ahead, like a good soldier. I contemplated emailing her tonight. But I know it'd be largely gooey, mushy and selfish on my part. Unnecessary. I don't want to be a burden to her or her BF. There's nothing I can do except move on, and if she contacts me again in the future, that'd be nice. As of now, looks like she's moved on.

 

I dunno why this is still bothering me from time to time, but sometimes it just does.

[Teknoe]

It would be wise to back off and leave her alone. You know she has a boyfriend. Be respectful of her relationship.

 

Oh trust me, I have. I have only initiated contact with her once in the past several months, and that was through a LARGE GROUP invite BCC style. I have been very respectful of her "new life" and her relationship with her BF. In fact, whenever I spoke with her in the past, and invited her out to things and events, I always made sure to say "Bring your BF too, it would be nice to meet him"

 

I know what it's like to be cheated on, so I don't want to put any guy in my shoes ever. It hurts to be cheated on.

 

Basically, I have backed off and have held off. I've had to bite my tongue on several occasions, as seen in my last post here.

[frenchtelephones]

AH, ships that pass in the night. Just gotta keep marching ahead, like a good soldier. I contemplated emailing her tonight. But I know it'd be largely gooey, mushy and selfish on my part. Unnecessary. I don't want to be a burden to her or her BF. There's nothing I can do except move on, and if she contacts me again in the future, that'd be nice. As of now, looks like she's moved on.

 

I dunno why this is still bothering me from time to time, but sometimes it just does.

 

I have my moments of weakness over the guy I told you about in this thread, too. The first week after he said that he couldn't make our friendship work I broke down and cried and cried and cried at least 1-2 times every day (once on the subway.) Then (after 8 days of silence) he sent me a text saying he was bored and was wondering if I wanted to come over and have a beer without attaching any importance to the meeting or seeing it as a reopening of our friendship. I was supposed to leave for the airport at 8 a.m. the next day so the timing was bad, and I also didn't think it was a wise idea to go over there when his text indicated he was just having a weak moment but that the essentials hadn't changed. I told him it wasn't a great idea because of my flight but that perhaps we should talk when I was back in town again. Of course, he never contacted me after I got back.... So now, after that brief moment of confused hope, I'm back at the conclusion that our friendship is over, or laying fallow (to put a more optimistic spin on it) for all foreseeable future.

 

The thing is, these past few weeks I've been feeling more okay about it. I've pondered our relationship a lot, analyzed the problematic aspects, analyzed the problematic aspects of ALL male-female platonic relationships, and realized just how unhealthy this friendship was, mostly for him, but also for me. But then, just a few days ago, I had a relapse. I haven't been crying like I did the first week after we stopped talking, but I've been feeling really blue. I've been hoping that he'll text me again asking if I want to meet up. I've also been rereading our IM log (which only confirms that our friendships had some serious problems.) All this is to say that I'll think I'm making progress, only to fall right back into the old black hole of neediness and whatever other feelings made our friendship dysfunctional to begin with. I think about e-mailing him and saying that we gave up too quickly on the possibility of being friends and that we should give it another try. But then again, I know I can't propose something I myself don't particularly believe in. All I can do is hope that maybe he'll e-mail me and suggest it. But then of course I feel stupid and selfish for hoping that, asking myself: why don't I want the healthy scenario? Why do I want him be my friend when I know it wouldn't be good for him? Why can't I just go on with my life?

 

I find that I slip into these hopeless, needy moods late at night when I have nothing to do. I try to tell myself to pick up a book and focus on the characters' lives instead of my own, or to dream about staring healthy romantic relationships instead of dreaming about rekindling semi-romantic unhealthy ones. I think it's sort of a vicious circle: I dwell on this relationship because I'm lonely, and as I dwell on it I endow it with so much magic and meaning that I become closed off and uninterested in meeting new people and cultivating healthy relationships, which in turn makes me even more lonely and likely to dwell. Maybe what you're doing is a bit similar? Maybe because you still dream about E, and because you have emotional history with her, the new girls you meet seem dull and unimportant in comparison. And maybe because you're not as interested in making new connections as you might otherwise be you end up lonely, and in your loneliness think even more about E.

 

I mean, I don't think willpower fixes everything. Telling yourself to stop thinking about her might help you think about her less, but let's face it, of course you're still going to think about her. I'm guessing you'll have your moments of E nostalgia until you find a new girl to occupy your mind, which might not happen tomorrow, but it will happen with time:)

[Teknoe]

french, thank you for sharing your personal stories and struggles as well. yes, will power only lasts so long. I think it's great you've approached analyzing what worked but more importantly what didn't work in your friendship with that guy. The more you confront an issue, the better chance you have at finding healthy solutions going forward. Conversely, the more you ignore an issue, the more you just bow down to it, and whatever those deep-seeded issues are, they become your master. Do not bow down to these issues!

 

I did find someone who fascinated me, french. ironically, she and E grew up as family friends. However, she and I never got out of the 1st gear of casual friendship, and at this point, I think it's pretty much a closed door (and I'm at peace with that). So the past month or so have been readjusting to life with "no prospects" so to speak. Guess when E sent me that belated bday text, it reminded me of our friendship and brought all those old warm feelings surging back.

 

I'm glad you thought better to visit your friend when you had the early flight the next morning. I agree with you that that wouldn't have been the healthiest thing for either one of you -- if you had took him up on his offer.

 

We also want to be careful not to "come back into their lives" when they are hurting, lonely, vulnerable or uncertain. For example, if E breaks up with her BF, and suddenly starts talking to me again, the healthy thing for me to do is of course be friendly but probably redirect her to some same-gender friends. Otherwise, we could risk being the rebound. And I know we don't want that.

 

Anyway, it's nice to know you can understand my "pain" and I can understand yours. I know things will be OK for both of us in the long run. BTW, I totally can relate on the re-reading IM logs. Ha... been there, done there!

 

Let's keep each other updated and encouraged to stay strong.

[Teknoe]

3 AM on a Sunday morning but gotta share this. May sound a little weird.

 

I just watched Last Night, a movie about a married couple who faces temptation on the same night with an old flame (for the wife) and an attractive co-worker (for the husband).

 

there was a scene where the wife tells the old flame "sorry, i just can't." i thought about E, and how she just kind of suddenly phased me out of her life. i dunno why exactly, but i wager her being in a relationship and possibly unsure of how she feels about me may have something to do with it.

 

anyway, i'm doing well at maintaining NC, but she pops into my mind like... every other day. we never kissed, never hugged. but we had several 1 on 1 hang outs (not dates, it was always dutch but we'd just talk and talk, got along really well). i guess it was one of those 'deep connections'... i felt like our "souls" "got each other's" if that makes any sense.

 

do/did i find her attractive? yes. but i enjoyed our connection more. we could and did talk about any and everything.

 

i dunno why i'm so hung up on a girl i never even hugged. maybe i'm making the friendship/connection bigger than what it was. thankfully, i'm good with no contact, but can't get her out of my mind whenever i watch a movie about relationships -- especially romantic comedies or "what could have been" dynamics in movies.

 

even though i know things always happen for a reason and i can't change the past, a small part of me still thinks about what might have happened last summer had i never fell so hard for the other girl, and instead pursued E. The other girl? Really don't have a deep connection with her i've come to realize. she was just hurting of her ex's treating her poorly, and used me as her sounding board.

 

but E and I... we had a connection.

 

I pray one day I'll wake up and all these feelings for E will float away. I pray that my connection with my future wife will surpass that of E's. she was the kind of girl that made me feel like anything was possible, and i could just share anything with her and vice versa. i haven't had an opposite sex friendship like that in 12 months, not since E.

 

Perhaps it's for the best, though. the older I get, the more I come to realize boundaries are healthy, and a platonic guy and girl friend just cannot talk for hours every day of the week.

 

Thanks for bearing with my 3 AM rant..

[piggyoink]

french, thank you for sharing your personal stories and struggles as well. yes, will power only lasts so long. I think it's great you've approached analyzing what worked but more importantly what didn't work in your friendship with that guy. The more you confront an issue, the better chance you have at finding healthy solutions going forward. Conversely, the more you ignore an issue, the more you just bow down to it, and whatever those deep-seeded issues are, they become your master. Do not bow down to these issues!

 

I did find someone who fascinated me, french. ironically, she and E grew up as family friends. However, she and I never got out of the 1st gear of casual friendship, and at this point, I think it's pretty much a closed door (and I'm at peace with that). So the past month or so have been readjusting to life with "no prospects" so to speak. Guess when E sent me that belated bday text, it reminded me of our friendship and brought all those old warm feelings surging back.

 

I'm glad you thought better to visit your friend when you had the early flight the next morning. I agree with you that that wouldn't have been the healthiest thing for either one of you -- if you had took him up on his offer.

 

We also want to be careful not to "come back into their lives" when they are hurting, lonely, vulnerable or uncertain. For example, if E breaks up with her BF, and suddenly starts talking to me again, the healthy thing for me to do is of course be friendly but probably redirect her to some same-gender friends. Otherwise, we could risk being the rebound. And I know we don't want that.

 

Anyway, it's nice to know you can understand my "pain" and I can understand yours. I know things will be OK for both of us in the long run. BTW, I totally can relate on the re-reading IM logs. Ha... been there, done there!

 

Let's keep each other updated and encouraged to stay strong.

 

Im curious why you wouldn't take a chance if it presents itself(ie if she breaks up as in your example above)

[Teknoe]

Im curious why you wouldn't take a chance if it presents itself(ie if she breaks up as in your example above)

 

 

Because my last GF I was her rebound.

 

I don't want to ever be the rebound again.

 

If E breaks up with her BF, and somehow wants to talk to me again, that's fine (in small doses). But to get in a relationship with her would probably only end up bad (unless she broke up with him, or if he breaks up with her then at least 10 months later after she's healed up).

 

No more Mr. Rebound here.

[Teknoe]

Dear LoveShack thread readers and followers,

 

First of all, wow, over 10,000 views. I never ever expected this thread to explode to over 10K views. I hope it just hasn't been me ranting, but that you got something small out of it too. OK, away with all the sappy stuff...

 

Today in my classroom my students shared their personal narratives out loud. My last student's story involved a main character named E. As soon as I heard it, E came to mind, naturally.

 

Immediately, I was already thinking of texting or emailing E "Hey one of my students named one of her characters E and it made me think of you."

 

The old me surely would have sent the text/email.

 

But not long after that thought came into my mind, I realized a couple things.

 

A. While E may appreciate the thoughtfulness, it's clear she's cut off contact which tells me she doesn't necessarily want to be too close. Therefore, thinking of HER needs and not just trying to come across as the sweet thoughtful guy... I decided to send it would be more selfish than SELFLESS

 

B. After a while, the urge to send the text/email to her faded. I realize finally I am starting to heal up. As my student continued on with her story, everytime she mentioned E's name the pain lessened and lessened, until, at the very last E name drop, I felt a sense of peace and clarity like never before.

 

Sure, I'll probably still think of her whenever I watch a sappy romantic comedy, and whenever I see guys messing up in movies being given a magical 2nd (or even 7th) chance, part of me might think back to me and E, but I've definitely clear a big hurtle on the road to recovery and restoration.

 

Thank you for reading. I appreciated having a small spot on the web to be able to share my thoughts, write 'em out (so I can better understand the situation and myself) and reflect on how I feel and reasons possibly as to why.

 

Finally, the more involved I am in my career, the less I think/care about chasing ladies, like E. I've always been a female first, career second guy. This week, it's like a switch flipped in my heart. Just focus on your career, handle that business, take care of it, take care of the students entrusted to me, and everything else will work itself out eventually, as it was meant to.

 

Peaceful and relaxed in Seattle,

Teknoe

Edited August 19, 2011 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

Watched TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT. Wow, it really spoke to me. In a lot of ways, I'm a bit like Topher Grace, OK, his character in the film (lol). Recent college grad whose biggest regret is not having enough balls to ask out the girl of his dreams in high school.

 

I don't want to spoil the movie but of course, not surprisingly, he gets it on with his crush and you can predict the rest. When the riff happened, I laughed because I've seen this 1,000 times before in movies, and I knew how it would end.

 

Yes, part of me did think of E, but this time it was different. It wasn't like "OH COME ON HOLLYWOOD! YA KILLIN' ME HERE!" It was more peaceful and E was more of a passing thought rather than something that consumed me the rest of the film. I was cheering for Topher's character, Matt Franklin.

 

He works at Suncoast Video and just... kind of taking it easy since graduation. I realize I have been doing the same thing. I shared in my last post that I've always been more focused (a better word would be fantasizing) on finding that one special partner in life, rather than focus on my career. One scene in the film really spoke to me

 

His dad told his son, "Just take a shot, son."

 

"But I don't know where to aim."

 

"Anywhere. Everywhere. Just shoot. If nothing else to hear the gun go off."

 

"Sorry dad that I'm a failure in life."

 

"No, you're not a failure. You're worst than that. You're someone who never tried to succeed."

 

My career isn't where I want it to be. I've let fear cripple me and get the worst of me, while everyone else around me have been landing full time gigs. I've been here, complacent and contently working part time, living in my own fantasy bubble frolicking with girl friends, being the shoulder to cry on, crush chasing... when I should be chasing my dream of making an impact in my chosen career field.

 

I hope to change that. Perhaps E came into my life as sort of a... final frontier, if you will. A wake up call of sorts.

 

I dunno, just 3 AM rambling.

 

Oh yeah in the movie Topher chases this super gorgeous girl no one thinks he can get with. My last crush was like that. I tried, but it didn't work out like I wanted, but it worked out like I needed.

 

I'm finally content NOT chasing girls. I've finally accepted a lot of things in my life I cannot control, like E "walking out of my life," how it didn't work out with A, or with my last crush just earlier this summer. I'm finally at peace being single, and not so worried about finding that one special lady to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Coz I know, FIRST, I got to get my life in motion. I just gotta say SCREW YOU to fear, and run with my shoes kicked off, full speed ahead. No stopping me now. If you believe in praying, if you could lift me up in prayer, to be focused, to be diligent and to just FIRE THE GUN, that would be most appreciated. Thank you.

 

It's a weird feeling. For the first time in my life, I'm happy to be single. Like, happy happy. I just know this isn't a time of my life to be chasing a girl. Maybe 2012. But not now. It feels good to be honest, to not be so girl-obsessed.

 

Anyway, TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT. Check it out, good stuff.

[The Straightener]

I didn't care for Take Me Home Tonight, it wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, . But I hear what you are saying. You say you have students. Sorry, I haven't read the latest postings but your a teacher? What is it you want to do with your career? Do you want teach still or do something else?

[Teknoe]

I'm currently a part time teacher. I'd like to teach full time, but it's been a mental block of sorts since graduating. I've half-heartedly applied here and there, but like the dad said in the movie I have yet to "tried to succeed" (really).

 

I know it might sound weird. I got my credential and everything. For w/e reason, I've gotten off track and in the mean time, built up this huge mental wall when it comes to applying full time.

 

I want it in my heart, but I just haven't taken the necessary steps in order to make it come true. That is my focus now, instead of all this girl chasing drama.

[frenchtelephones]

I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better about your situation, Teknoe. I wish I could honestly say I'm content being single! I'm sort of the opposite of you. Most people who know me (but who don't know me well) would probably describe me as a career first, love second kind of person. I've always done really well at school but never been able to make a relationship work, which I suppose would make it seem like I put academics before romance, but idk, I feel like I've only gotten wrapped up in acing school because I haven't had anything better to distract myself with.

 

Anyways, on the topic of getting sidetracked by love-related drama. The less I think about the guy I'm not on speaking terms with in particular, the more I realize how lonely I am in general. I think all the nostalgia and regret and guilt I felt about the way I had treated him sort of helped mask, or divert attention away from what I suppose are more fundamental problems: that I think my life is boring, that I didn't like the college I went to, that I have no direction in life, that my self-confidence is kinda low, that I have a pretty dim idea of what things make me happy, etc. I mean, now that I'm gradually letting go of this one particular problem that has consumed me for the last two years I can begin to see my life better, from a wider perspective than I've been able to look at it before.

 

That's sort of my latest question about my obsession with the guy I wrote about in this thread, actually. Was I obsessed with the past because the past was simply so important, so traumatizing, and so confusing that I needed to think about it hundreds of times each day? Or was I obsessed with the whole thing partly because I found my present life so dull? i.e was thinking about the past all the time just the simplest recourse to give my life some emotional content and meaning? As agonizing and crappy as my obsession with said guy has been, and as frustrating as your E obsession sounds, at least they've given our lives emotional substance. Now that I'm getting over my B obsession I wonder what I'll be left with. Currently my life feels empty, but then again, I'm also approaching a state of freedom where the past doesn't tie me down and in which I might be more open to meeting new people. Idk. I guess I have reason to be satisfied with this.

[Teknoe]

I seriously love how this thread started out about me (seeing as I was thread creator) but that it really hasn't been all about me, but others like yourself, French. I hope this has provided a place for us to get our thoughts and deep feelings out there, analyze a bit why things happened and how we reacted and why and all that.

 

I understand the drama part... I think that's why I always have a crush at any point in my life. It just creates some extra sense of excitement (and drama). I call up my 5-6 guy friends to discuss with each... it's exciting. It breaks up the grind.

 

But is it healthy? That, is a good question to chew on.

 

Right now, I admit I have two crushes. One that is subsiding, and one that I'm trying to contain as she's in a relationship. However, I'm handling it better this time. Not calling up my friends to talk about it and blow it up some more.

 

This article might interest ya, french.

 

http://www.boundlessline.org/2011/08/becoming-a-bore.html

 

It talks about "becoming a bore." Or is it? It's all perspective. Personally, I don't mind routine and stability. The older I get, the more peace and quiet and a nice night at home sounds better than a loud bar scene or night club.

 

I'm content being single like never before, and I hope you're able to find some solace in being single and receive peace and closure from the B situation.

[Teknoe]

I still do not know what makes a true friend

 

think golden rule.

 

to have a friend, you need to be a friend.

 

and know and accept that you'll click better with some people than others. that's just life. but always be respectful and treat others kindly. you usually reap what you sow

[visualbasicide]

Mercifully I have two or so true friends. They are the ones that are there for you no matter what. They will tell you the truth of a situation regardless of how it might damage your friendship. They don't tell you what you want to hear for their sake of maintaining the relationship, they tell you what you need to hear, even if you don't like it. They distance themselves from you when you ignore their advice and go off on some self destructive path but are always there to listen to you and help you come back from it. They always forgive past arguments and wrongs and know how to say they are sorry for their own short comings.

 

They always take some time to put you first at some point, just like any good relationship, it shouldn't always be about them or you, there should be equilibrium of give and give from both sides.