Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

[Teknoe]

Wow. Update time:

 

1. T and I had a nice email exchange. She updated me on her life and wow is she going through some major changes, including dumping the ex (again after a reboot try), falling for her male friend, leaving her career profession because of discouragement, working full time elsewhere, etc.

 

It was nice to hear these updates and I wish her well. I know our friendship will never be the same as it was before, but I hope she finds peace and happiness in her life, and that our friendship can slowly reform as time goes on. To a point where, it would be nice if we could hang out again without her feeling all paranoid that I might misinterpret it.

 

Sadly, T has disappeared from my life again. I thought our email exchange went well, but she hasn't talked to me since, and has ignored a few texts. I don't think I said anything wrong in my email, although looking back maybe I was a little "cold" with some comments. Not sure.

 

Here's my reply to her "life update" email from 2 weeks ago. I have not heard from her since. That includes a text I sent her 2-3 days ago asking how she is doing with her new guy interest. I have a feeling she has shut me out for whatever reason. This was my last email to her... did I say something wrong, or should have said something that I didn't write? Take a look

 

Looking back, I could have asked more questions. I hope I didn't come off as "uncaring" or "cold" in her eyes?? Her email ended with "any comments or questions??" It was mostly just comments. Maybe I should have asked more questions and shown more "sympathy" ? *shrug*

 

----

 

Wow, a lot has happened to you!

 

<< 1) went back to working as a waitress one night a week >>

 

 

Nice. Ha, I read this and right away I heard in my head: "You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar..."

 

Atomic Tom "Don't You Want Me" From "Take Me Home Tonight" Soundtrack - YouTube

 

 

<< 2) started getting unemployment checks >>

 

 

Mmm.

 

 

<< 3) started working at a YMCA daycare full time. it is HARD. >>

 

 

I bet it is!

 

 

<< 4) got back together and broke up with boyfriend. life was miserable. felt violated one night, almost called the cops. last last straw. >>

 

 

A. Sorry you felt violated.

B. I was worried something like this might happen to you if you chose to try again with him. As your friend I didn't feel it was my place to tell you what you oughta do, and I know for myself we often have to make our own choices and learn as we go. I never met your ex, but from what you described, you could do so much better. I guess it's the comfort and familiarity that makes it tempting to return to what's familiar... but I'm just glad you finally saw the light.

 

 

<< 5) kinda fell for my friend. pretty interesting, never saw it coming, but wondered what took me so long once it happened. i'm maybe still in denial, because i don't want the ex stuff to cloud/taint how people view me and 'friend' (ie, he's not a rebound, i promise). it's like a revelation how easy everything is. i always used to go for attraction first and work to build a relationship off of that. what a WORLD of a difference building a friendship first, and somehow attraction magically appears on its own, and then the rest (trust, honesty, communication, common hobbies, etc etc) is already established from the friendship. O.M.G. i'm still in disbelief, and sometimes wondering if it's a trick cuz it's too good to be true. i hope i don't mess this one up. >>

 

 

I wish you the best.

 

<< 6) i'm drinking (socially) like, all the time. going out all the time, and with different circles of friends. it's frickin amazing and despite being piss broke (working full time daycare i think added up to a little over 14k a YEAR. serious!?) i'm happy. most of the time, haha! >>

 

 

You sound just like my friend. She's the one that invited me to join her in the jacuzzi last night. She's Christian, but she's very different than your average Christian. First she invited me over and then she invited me to join her in the jacuzzi. Number of Christian girls I know who would do that: ZERO lol. Anyway last night she was telling me how she is just networking like crazy, drinking socially and having the time of her life. She just turned 26 last month. Young puppy still. I met her at my first church back in 2009 when she was 22 and we connected, stayed in touch over the years. We've been church hopping a bit lately, as she too is without a home church. She also told me she is dating two guys right now. They are complete opposites. One is big and cuddly, like a big teddy bear that she loves to snuggle with, but she said he's kind of floundering career-wise, and TOO laid back. The other guy is short, super logistical and plans events like no one's business. But she's not attracted to him too much, but loves his $$ (LOL, she's very blunt and honest about such things). She said she wished she could combine the two. Anyway, we kicked it in the jacuzzi for 2 hours. It was nice. If you're curious, you can look up ___ on my FB. She's definitely a cutie, and I had a crush on her way back when, but came to realize we're not very compatible and better off as just chill friends.

 

On a side note, as I get older and older, I'm realizing what kind of girl I wanna end up with. I need someone who is super sweet, chill, patient and basic. Coz that's pretty much me, lol. Since I started teaching full time too, I've become a lot more introverted (I used to be slightly more extroverted than introverted) and more of a homebody, lol. You know how it is... hitting 30 and teaching young students does a major number on ya! I just don't have the energy or motivation to go out much these days. So I'd need someone who also has a similar mindset, and isn't a "jet setter." I guess as you get older, you become more honest with who you are, your needs and what you're looking for in a partner in terms of compatibility.

 

Anyway, looks like I veered off topic lol. I'm glad you're happy!

 

 

<< 7) oh man almost forgot this one....i kinda just gave up on school. classes were stupid, nobody was helping me with what i really needed to get done, and i had no fieldwork to base my project on cuz my stupid principal from last year rejected my request to do observations at my school. i really don't know what i did to this guy, but he's really contributed to the demise of my teaching career. >>

 

 

 

Life happens, T. Seasons come and go. This is the season you are in now. You will learn from it and your life will continue to change as you go. Perhaps your teaching career is "dead" now, but you're a teacher at heart, and in SOME capacity, you will always have that teaching spirit deep inside of ya. Hey, I taught for 4 years (!) part time before I applied myself seriously to a full time position. LOL. So, don't think your dreams are dead. Maybe just on hold, like mine was from summer 2008 to summer 2012. Although mine was moreso my personal choice.

 

But whatever happens, just follow your heart.

Never get caught doing that which you do not love.

You will be OK, no matter what happens or does not happen.

 

---

 

for whatever reason, after that email, she has stopped contacting me

it makes me wonder if it was because something i said or revealed, or something I didn't say (?). Perhaps I could have been more sensitive regarding the violation part instead of being all "I hate to say I told you so but I told ya so." I don't think initially I came off all I told you so, but looking back maybe that's how she interpreted it and that ticked her off?? I also realized that I rambled on about myself in that big paragraph there, and came off a little "show offy" like hey, check out this hot female friend of mine who invited me to her jacuzzi. Life's good without ya! kind of thing?? *shrug* maybe the reply could have been more about her than me.

 

Oh well. She was fading away already at the point of that email. Our friendship has never been the same since my confession mid-summer. I was foolish enough to think even if she didn't feel the same way that the friendship would still be strong.

 

Lesson learned.

 

I'm done with confessions. While I'm glad I tried so I would never be left wondering, right now I'm sad that I lost a fun friend I enjoyed chatting and talking with. If I just bared it out a little longer, my crush on her might have faded, I never would have confessed and we still could have hung out today. Oh well. I guess her being a lover or a friend just isn't meant to be.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

I got some closure with T last night when we spoke for the first time in over 2 months. I saw her on my gchat list and thought to myself "What the hell." I swallowed my pride and sent her a "Hey! What's up? Long time no talk" type of opener.

 

She responded immediately "HI! Oh, sorry I never replied to your email a few months back. [excuse]."

 

Anyway, we spoke for about 30 minutes and caught up on each others' lives. The conversation was therapeutic in many ways, and I feel I walked away from it with a good sense of closure. I am completely over T... but not over the idea/reality of all my previous rejections which all came through confessions. Now I'm scared to ever confess again, and more importantly, honestly, am happily single right now because it's just easier being single and by yourself.

 

She isn't doing so well. Here's what she told me:

 

-Lost her career job. Now working 2 menial jobs to make ends meet. Seems really dejected about her career and doesn't see herself ever going back to that field. Sad, really.

 

-Gained 10-15 pounds

 

-New boyfriend broke up with her 2 weeks after they got together. He apologized and asked her back and she said yes. She described him and there were a ton of red flags with him/the relationship. Guess she really likes the bad apples.

 

In the end, I felt a sigh of relief and feel like I really dodged a bullet here! In hindsight, it all worked out and it is what it is.

 

I can now officially close the chapter on T. I don't see myself keeping in touch with her anymore. Our last chat also ended rather appropriately. We were chatting fine, then she disappeared on me without even telling me why. She treats me poorly, and I don't need that!

 

So I say, good riddance and best of luck in your life, T. I guess you ended up being a seasonal friend after all, and not a lifer.

[Teknoe]

So, I just have to share this.

 

T and I recently reconnected. We actually agreed to meet up to have dinner and play catch up. She has a BF now, and I'm so over her that I just see her strictly as a friend these days.

 

It was nice to see her again... we literally picked up where we last left off. It's nice to know we have that connection still... that rare quality where despite not seeing one another for nearly a year, after meeting up again it's like you just saw each other the other day. I LOVE "kindred spirits" connections like that.

 

Anyway, it'll never be like it was in the old days (old being 2012-2013 mind you, heh) with T but I suppose that's just life. They were fond memories, but I also know I've moved on and it's best to leave the memories in the past. It is interesting to chart back though and see how I myself reacted to certain events and happenings surrounding T.

[preraph]

She knew after your sarcastic comments that you didn't just view her as a friend and she didn't want to encourage you or keep you from moving on with life. Not only is it awkward to have a man around you know will probably work himself up to making a move on you when you don't want that, but it also messes with any bf relationships you have or are trying to get. Life isn't like the movies or anywhere close. Don't waste any more of your life on this and move on. When you meet a girl you like next, let her know right away you like her romantically and move on if that isn't received well. If you hang around more than a date or two without making a move, you can easily be friendzoned or rejected because it comes off as timid.

[Teknoe]

She knew after your sarcastic comments that you didn't just view her as a friend and she didn't want to encourage you or keep you from moving on with life. Not only is it awkward to have a man around you know will probably work himself up to making a move on you when you don't want that, but it also messes with any bf relationships you have or are trying to get. Life isn't like the movies or anywhere close. Don't waste any more of your life on this and move on. When you meet a girl you like next, let her know right away you like her romantically and move on if that isn't received well. If you hang around more than a date or two without making a move, you can easily be friendzoned or rejected because it comes off as timid.

 

 

Agreed. BTW, that's "E" you're talking about, the girl I originally made this topic about. E and I haven't talked in a good while now. She's set to get married and yeah, just one of those friendships that faded with time. I have seen my error but am not kicking myself for it any longer because life is about living and learning.

 

The topic later transitioned in 2012 to T. T and I still KIT these days, but not as frequently as we once did. I'm at peace equally with both E and T.

[KathyM]

I agree with the poster who's saying that putting yourself in the friendzone and then trying to climb out of it eventually with women is not a good plan. It just sets you up for disappointment and heartbreak, and wastes your time. Make your romantic interest known from the start so that they see you in those terms, and if they are not interested in you romantically, at least you'll know from the start without having to invest so much time and emotions before finding this out. The time you spend being a buddy to women who have boyfriends is time you could be spending doing things that will put you in contact with women who could potentially be a romantic partner.

[preraph]

Yeah, never kick yourself about it. Truth is none of us has any power to "make" someone like us. But being up front that you are interested romantically will keep you from wasting as much time. Some guys like to sneak up on a woman without taking any risk and "see" if they like them. This does NOT work. Because women don't like men who don't have any more confidence than that.

[Teknoe]

Had an impromptu and unexpected evening of fun with T... kind of truly puts a capper on it all. She got back into teaching this past year, but is leaving the profession forever.

 

She texted me this morning saying "You coming over to get what you want?"

 

So I came after school to pick up markers, whiteboards, tangrams, and a whole bunch of teaching resources. It was CRAZY how much free stuff I got. It was like I raided a teaching store... and won a sweepstake to boot!

 

After I raided her room, she asked me to dinner, and we had a nice 90 minute meal and conversation. She's moving soon to a town an hour away, and marriage is impending, so this was like the last time we're ever likely to hang out. Had some good laughs and I almost cried because I laughed that hard at our stupid corny jokes. That's always been my favorite thing hanging out with her. Feel like on a humor level at least, we can just say the dumbest things and cry laughing over it. It's a rare quality and something I don't find in others much these days. With her I always feel like 90 minutes is 30, and we just have this quirky banter. Good fast wit.

 

The evening ended with a hug in the crisp cool January night. As we pulled away she said very sweetly, "Have a great teaching career" and I wished her the best in her new field and marriage. It seemed poetic. It carried all at once a sense of finality, peace and well wishes. It was the best way to go out.

 

Thanks T for the friendship, the memories and the teaching resources. I'm glad our paths crossed at the teacher fair back in 2012. How times have changed since, and what a journey you and I have been on.

 

Farewell, my friend.

See you at some point down the road.

[Acacia98]

It's been interesting following this discussion and seeing how you've grown emotionally over the years, Teknoe. I hope you're in a much better place now. I thought of a few things in the course of reading the back and forth between you and the others:

 

Your observation about getting into an unhealthy pattern where women are concerned sounds right. I got the impression from your posts that you tended to crush on women who were inaccessible, and then you invested so much energy in analyzing your interactions with them that you became oblivious to the other possibilities or opportunities out there. You seemed to become more emotionally invested in the different ladies you talked about as they pulled away. Is it possible that, deep down inside, you don't really want a relationship (for whatever reason)?

 

I don't know if you ever took your friend up on that offer to set you up with her friend. If not, perhaps you should the next time the opportunity comes along. It's nice to meet and interact with new people, and it makes it less likely that you'll obsess over the one person you're crushing on. I also think that if you really want a relationship, meeting and interacting with more single women will make it more likely that you'll finally find somebody who's a psychological/emotional match for you.

 

I'll tell you something I've observed about people in general (including myself) over the years: when you're close to somebody you find attractive and never actually get physically involved, you tend to idealize the person so much that, when you lose them, you feel like they had this huge role in your life. It's extremely difficult to move on because you're so attached to the picture of "what could have been."

 

If you find you're still facing the same kinds of relationship challenges, consider getting therapy to get to the heart of these challenges. Also, as a general rule, don't put more energy into a relationship than the other person is willing/able to. If they don't communicate much, don't keep reaching out to them. If they flake out on you, don't keep making yourself available to meet. If they already have a boyfriend, don't go out of your way to be friends.

 

Another btw: Avoid talking to your lady friends about other ladies. Talking about other ladies could be interpreted to mean:

(a) That you're not discreet. So whatever they share with you will not remain private.

(b) That you totally like the lady you're talking about and are not remotely interested in the one you're talking to.

© That you're playing mind-games and trying to make the lady you're talking to jealous.

[Teknoe]

It's been interesting following this discussion and seeing how you've grown emotionally over the years, Teknoe. I hope you're in a much better place now. I thought of a few things in the course of reading the back and forth between you and the others:

 

Your observation about getting into an unhealthy pattern where women are concerned sounds right. I got the impression from your posts that you tended to crush on women who were inaccessible, and then you invested so much energy in analyzing your interactions with them that you became oblivious to the other possibilities or opportunities out there. You seemed to become more emotionally invested in the different ladies you talked about as they pulled away. Is it possible that, deep down inside, you don't really want a relationship (for whatever reason)?

 

I don't know if you ever took your friend up on that offer to set you up with her friend. If not, perhaps you should the next time the opportunity comes along. It's nice to meet and interact with new people, and it makes it less likely that you'll obsess over the one person you're crushing on. I also think that if you really want a relationship, meeting and interacting with more single women will make it more likely that you'll finally find somebody who's a psychological/emotional match for you.

 

I'll tell you something I've observed about people in general (including myself) over the years: when you're close to somebody you find attractive and never actually get physically involved, you tend to idealize the person so much that, when you lose them, you feel like they had this huge role in your life. It's extremely difficult to move on because you're so attached to the picture of "what could have been."

 

If you find you're still facing the same kinds of relationship challenges, consider getting therapy to get to the heart of these challenges. Also, as a general rule, don't put more energy into a relationship than the other person is willing/able to. If they don't communicate much, don't keep reaching out to them. If they flake out on you, don't keep making yourself available to meet. If they already have a boyfriend, don't go out of your way to be friends.

 

Another btw: Avoid talking to your lady friends about other ladies. Talking about other ladies could be interpreted to mean:

(a) That you're not discreet. So whatever they share with you will not remain private.

(b) That you totally like the lady you're talking about and are not remotely interested in the one you're talking to.

© That you're playing mind-games and trying to make the lady you're talking to jealous.

 

 

Good stuff, Acacia. You know, I've thought about it before, and it's been brought up before. It is entirely possible I don't actually want to be in a relationship. But I like to pretend that I am heading that way, so I crush on emotionally unavailable girls. I dunno how much of this is true (it's hard to quantify such a thing)... but I find I tend to enjoy being to myself and my devices. I don't want to let someone in unless I see them as super special (i.e. attractive and fun to be around).

 

I did meet my friend's friend. And while she was nice, I was not attracted in the least. Therefore, I told my friends in private I just see her as a friend. They were crushed (it seemed as if I had rejected THEM!) and ever since, our friendship hasn't quite been the same. It seemed like once I rejected their suggestion, they just gave up on the dream of the two of us being together and doubling up with them on their outings.

 

Good advice about avoiding talking about other women around my crushes. I agree with your 3 main points on why one should not.

 

Ironically, right now I'm digging a coworker. I know she is single, but I don't know if or how interested she is. I could ask her out, but I fear rejection and kind of like our quirky work banter. Not sure I want to ruin that by possibility revealing the truth to her and her saying no.

 

It was actually this time last year that I asked a coworker out and she rejected me. I only asked since I knew she was leaving in 4 months. This new coworker, she plans to return next year and yeah, I likely will return too. Scared for history to repeat itself, so for now I enjoy talking with her around the work place. I have reached out a few times and she didn't necessarily reach back like how I hoped she would. So I keep telling myself, no matter how dense she might be, odds are she isn't interested in a romantic thing.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

T not only left the profession, but she recently got engaged. I'm happy for her. And so begins her new life.

 

Ironically, right now I'm digging a coworker. I know she is single, but I don't know if or how interested she is. I could ask her out, but I fear rejection and kind of like our quirky work banter. Not sure I want to ruin that by possibility revealing the truth to her and her saying no.

 

It was actually this time last year that I asked a coworker out and she rejected me. I only asked since I knew she was leaving in 4 months. This new coworker, she plans to return next year and yeah, I likely will return too. Scared for history to repeat itself, so for now I enjoy talking with her around the work place. I have reached out a few times and she didn't necessarily reach back like how I hoped she would. So I keep telling myself, no matter how dense she might be, odds are she isn't interested in a romantic thing.

 

I asked out this coworker, and sure enough, she politely rejected me. Thankfully, there's been minimal awkwardness since, and we've gone back to normal work banter.

[spiderowl]

Probably not damaged forever but it suggests you are attracted to her and your being sarcastic about her boyfriend was a bit of a giveaway. If she thought that was the case, she might be worried about upsetting you or making you jealous. Or, she could be offended that you insulted her new boyfriend. Who knows?

[Acacia98]

Cool, Teknoe (This is a response to your response to me).

All the best.

[Teknoe]

Bumping an old thread. Figured I might as well provide a 2018 update to put a bow on things.

 

T and I have reconnected, but strictly in the platonic sense, and that's how I like it. I now have a girlfriend and T got married a few years ago and just had her first baby. We are both doing well and still talk once in a blue moon.

 

It's funny looking back 5-6 years on how I was crushing on her and how life has gone for the both of us since. I can see why she and I would not have made a good couple... but back at the time, that was hard for me to comprehend. It's all about compatibility, and she found her right match while I've found mine (so far, knock on wood).

 

T did quit teaching too to be a SAHM. I wish her well.