Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

[FredRutherford]

Sounds good, Tek.

Hope you're out meeting women....

 

Personally, I have no vested interested in this, and in the advice I give other guys in your situation, other than to advise them to not make the same mistakes I made.

 

Think of this:

You're 28:

Within 3-5 yrs. you could

-be actively dating

-be in a serious relationship with a woman

-be engaged

 

If someone had told me that when I was 26-27, wouldn't have believed them, as love seemed so distant and obscure...

But shortly after turning 30, met my future wife...

 

Rely on God's help, of course, but it's going to take some work of your own. You need to do the things that get you into a loving relationship...

[trishd]

Tek and Fred, I have learned so much while reading this thread. You have been very insightful, and revealing. Sometimes I get lost in understanding how a man's mind works, and my relationship with my best guy friend just stumps me at times. This was good!

[Teknoe]

Wow, had no idea this thread got bumped this month. And whoa at 180,000+ views. Is this a record? At least for this Friendship forum? I'm kind of humbled by all the hits.

 

Quick update:

 

E's girl friend she was thinking of having me meet, like a month after she told me about her GF, she actually got a BF! LOL. And to add some extra spice, the BF's name is the same as mine.

 

How do I feel? Nothing, really. Meh? I wasn't and currently am not too obsessed about a GF right now. Still got some things to sort out.

 

As for E, I don't care for it anymore. Like seriously. I am finally over her completely. Don't think of her anymore whenever I watch romantic comedies, don't cringe when I see her name on chat, etc. I'm over the summer 2010 E episode.

 

I will say I do want a girlfriend/wife SOME day. Just not today. I also feel... in the future I will forego asking for so much advice. I'm the type that when I ask around I overanalyze. Next time, I'm just doing. Nothing wrong with taking a more direct approach. I just don't know when that time will come. Could be next year. Could be 2014. Could be later this year.

 

Just not now.

 

But at some point... I will meet a girl that I like... that she'll like me (at least as a friend)... and I will just ask her out.

 

BTW, Trish, glad this thread gave you some insight. If you have any ?'s, feel free to ask me.

[trishd]

Well..... since you offered, lol. I stumbled upon this thread because of your title and I was searching for some answers bc I feel like I have messed up my friendship with my best friend for good. He and I have been best friends our whole lives and it's gone through different phases, but during our adult lives we got closer than I ever expected. (Always platonic, and never crossing any lines) Then I found out he recently began dating someone and got married and didn't tell me. Someone else told me. When I approached him about it he said he never planned to tell me. I was crushed. Talk about sneaky. I just felt like he had disgarded a friendship that we had enjoyed our whole lives and I suddenly meant nothing. After this happened, I thought we were over. I distanced myself. Gave up. Now, he is accusing me of being sneaky because of something I did, which I did to protect him, but he does not see it that way. He says he can't trust me anymore and we can't be the same as we were.

I know that is all a bit confusing. I haven't really talked it out with anyone, so the story may have chased a few rabbits. I am currently trying to just forget it and move on. That leaves me feeling guilty because we have shared so much together and I once promised him I would never leave him.

[Teknoe]

Well..... since you offered, lol. I stumbled upon this thread because of your title and I was searching for some answers bc I feel like I have messed up my friendship with my best friend for good. He and I have been best friends our whole lives and it's gone through different phases, but during our adult lives we got closer than I ever expected. (Always platonic, and never crossing any lines) Then I found out he recently began dating someone and got married and didn't tell me. Someone else told me. When I approached him about it he said he never planned to tell me. I was crushed. Talk about sneaky. I just felt like he had disgarded a friendship that we had enjoyed our whole lives and I suddenly meant nothing. After this happened, I thought we were over. I distanced myself. Gave up. Now, he is accusing me of being sneaky because of something I did, which I did to protect him, but he does not see it that way. He says he can't trust me anymore and we can't be the same as we were.

I know that is all a bit confusing. I haven't really talked it out with anyone, so the story may have chased a few rabbits. I am currently trying to just forget it and move on. That leaves me feeling guilty because we have shared so much together and I once promised him I would never leave him.

 

Clearly you left out some vital details, probably for privacy, so it's hard for me to comment really. I'm perplexed why he would hide his marriage from you. So you considered him your best friend, yet he never told you about the wedding and you weren't even invited?

 

That is highly odd.

 

All I can say is YES, you will eventually move on. Father time has an amazing way of healing most wounds. I can see how your situation is different from mine and perhaps hurt you more than I can imagine, but I think you'll be fine. One day you'll wake up and chuckle thinking back to the days where this situation really affected you.

 

That's how I honestly feel about E these days. I am whatever, meh and so? toward it all. I guess because recently, I invited her to a play I was co-starring in, and she said she'd get back to me about it. She never did, and this is 2 years in a row she stiffed me on my play invitation. That was the final straw, and at that point I said in my mind politely as possible: SCREW THIS CRAP.

 

After a certain while, no matter how affectionately you think of someone, if they treat you poorly and don't even seem to care, you're going to feel similarly toward them as well.

 

It took me nearly 2 years, but finally, I could clearly (and disgustingly) see that I value(d) E 1,000 times more than she does me. I also could see she had moved on with her own life, her new BF and all that. And that I was part of her "old life."

 

Well forget that! You and me... we're better than that.

 

You just learn to let folks go after a while.

 

In fact, I highly suggest viewing this clip. It's helped me find some healing in the past and may help you too:

 

 

Sorry, quality not best as Lions Gate took down the best links. But you get the audio and that's the most important part.

[trishd]

Yes, of course I left out some details, as there just isn't enough space/time to tell it all. The point is, the "shut out" came out of the blue with no warning or reason. It truely was unnecessary. One vital detail.... we have known each other our whole lives, and I mean since birth. He's always said he has more desire to protect me than anyone he has ever known. He's a marine and sometimes I think he is so "programmed" in how he responds to people that he doesn't see how he hurts them. Me mainly. He expects me to think and respond as he would, and I don't think and process through things like he does in the least.

[Teknoe]

quick update: Emily and I have recently reconnected. She's got her own life now, her own boyfriend, her own friends, her own church circle (we go to separate churches), etc. Basically, our connection is now relegated to online chats. We haven't had many but this past week, we had two long and very nice conversations online.

 

Reconnected a bit. Nothing major, no plans to meet up, but it was just nice.

 

In hindsight, we were pretty compatible and I don't doubt we would have made a nice BF-GF match. Alas, there's nothing I can do, and I believe God has someone better suited for me than even Emily. That gives me great hope. Can't believe I'm coming up on two summers since Emily and I had that great "summer of connection." If only I wasn't chasing A summer of 2010, I might have taken my chances with Emily. Again, it's unhealthy to think that way, so I digress.

 

I'm happy she's happy with her BF. And I'm happy we were able to recently reconnect on a pretty deep level. I guess no matter how long we go without talking, she's just one of those friends who you click with and can pick up right where you last left off. I love those type of friendships

[FredRutherford]

Can't believe I'm coming up on two summers since Emily and I had that great "summer of connection." If only I wasn't chasing A summer of 2010, I might have taken my chances with Emily.

Don't dwell on what you could've done.

Being at ground level, you can't see the full picture as good as you can from an airplane.

 

Interacted with a number of women in college through campus religious student groups, classes, etc. But for some reason, rarely took initiative and didn't ask them out.

 

Even shared a ride with out of state.

A couple of years later, once out of college and dateless, tried vainly to find her phone number, city, etc., by looking up every last name similar to her's in that small state through directory assistance and phone books only to come up empty.

 

Years after college, as I approach 50, recall that failed effort as well as similar situations I could've asked a woman out.

A woman I sat next to in a college class. She was always starting conversation with me. For some unknown reason (my shyness?), I never recognized her interest and didn't ask her out. Another big regret.

 

If only I wasn't chasing A summer of 2010, I might have taken my chances with Emily.

When people see others dating, most won't "cut in" and try for one of the persons, as that person is "taken."

(Realize the players do that but I'd never go in and break-up a relationship).

 

This is one reason why people shouldn't continue dating someone they don't see a future with.

Some people stay bec. they have no other options and don't want to be alone, only to end the relationship later when it becomes obv. it needs to end.

 

I know that wasn't your situation here, but always advise others to move on bec. you never know who's lookin' and seeing who's dating whom...

If only I wasn't chasing A summer of 2010, I might have taken my chances with Emily.

The timing may not have been good for Emily either.

She may not have been receptive or may have had other issues unrelated to liking you, so try not to focus on that.

[Teknoe]

^ Oh no, if you interpreted me as lamenting or dwelling, I'm not really. Just wanted to say it, but I'm definitely not losing sleep over it. As I said in my last post, I believe everything happens for a reason and that if two people are meant to be together, as long as both are living right, eventually, their paths will cross.

 

Cheers

[Teknoe]

Can't believe I'm updating this thread. But I spoke with E today, and at length.

 

We hadn't really talked much this entire summer, and last we really spoke was end of May. I messaged her if she heard the news. A mutual friend (a family friend for her, a regular friend for me) of ours came down with cancer. We're praying for God to heal him.

 

Then we started updating each other. She and her BF are hoping to get engaged by Dec. 2012. Wow. She's 24. Who knew 2 years ago she'd be engaged by 24?

 

Anyway, she also suggested I meet one of her single female friends, to see if we can't be a good match. I appreciated her thinking of me as a suitable match for her friend (that means she thinks highly enough of my overall character that she would recommend me to her good friend).

 

Saw a pic, hard to tell from one pic. But she didn't look bad in the pic, and I'm sure in a more favorable angle/light she'd look even nicer. The thing is, E says she's chill and laid back. Definitely what I'd like in a woman. She is one year older than me though, well, more like 9 months. Not a deal breaker.

 

I told E I need to pray about it though. I start a full time career job for the first time in my life in less than 2 weeks. I want to focus on that before I get to know someone. But we'll see how it goes.

 

I told E I will get back to her, but if she doesn't hear back from me immediately, please don't be offended as my new job will take a lot out of me. The timing might not quite be there.

 

But overall, quite a chat with E. Had no idea she would try and set me up with one of her church friends.

 

We'll see what happens. Yes, I know -- be bold. And I will be, but when it's the right timing. We'll see.

[Teknoe]

Note, I'm replying to French's post from July 2011, over a year ago. With time passing, let's see how things are one year later...

 

 

It sounds like you understand yourself and the situation quite well, which I think shows real maturity. I don't know how old you are, but regardless I'm impressed by your self-insight. The way you miss her (thinking of her as a missed opportunity when you watch a romantic movie) really does suggest that you're not just sad about losing a good friend, but sad about losing a woman you felt something stronger for. I don't think you should see it as a situation where you messed up though. I sounds to me like you handled it just fine.

 

Aw thanks hun. That's awfully sweet of ya to say and it encourages me. Not to brag or anything, but I feel I have developed pretty solid self-insight over the years. Thankfully, I no longer think of E when watching romantic comedies like I did last summer. I really have moved on.

 

At this point I think the best thing you can do is, as you put it, "keep your pride intact." Pressuring her into communicating with you will probably have a reverse effect (i.e she'll be more convinced you're in love with her and that the two of you will always be unable to have something platonic.) However, if you stop messaging her now she'll most likely always remember you as a really nice guy. And who knows, if she retains fond memories of you she might wake up one day and feel like talking to you. At this point you're powerless, which truly sucks. But that's also the reality of it; you've done everything you can, and the ball is now in her court. If you don't initiate conversation you might never hear from her again, but (particularly since your pushing her into communication is quite unlikely to garner positive results) I think that's just a risk you're going to have to take.

 

Wow, one year later the results were exactly as you said!

 

I left her alone, didn't push her, and left the stage quietly. Just like you said, I think I left her with a good impression on me, because I didn't become that needy or desperate jerk who didn't know when to stop.

 

Reading your reply a year plus later makes me smile. Goes to show you, at the time as hard as it might be, one should always make the right decisions. Feelings are fickle. Go with what you know to be right, not wrong. It pays off in the end.

 

Now E and I are on good terms, and she's trying to hook me up with one of her single friends... who isn't bad looking at all.

 

win-win.

[Teknoe]

From July 25, 2011

 

I'm glad you feel peaceful. I think the two of you will reconnect one day. You probably can't go back to the way things were, but I think you'll talk again.

 

You, m'am, are a prophet

[FredRutherford]

Tek,

It's really nice a woman you tried to pursue thinks enough of you to suggest a friend who might be good for you to date.

I post to other singles guys about the potential of that kind of thing.

 

Like doing "informational interviews" and "networking" for jobs.

You meet a person at Co. A. They don't have anything open but he/she is impressed with you and suggests you tell Person B at Co. B that the person at Co. A suggested calling them.....

 

That did happen in job interviewing but of course, never happened to me in dating.

 

C

Anyway, she also suggested I meet one of her single female friends, to see if we can't be a good match. I appreciated her thinking of me as a suitable match for her friend (that means she thinks highly enough of my overall character that she would recommend me to her good friend).

 

Saw a pic, hard to tell from one pic. But she didn't look bad in the pic, and I'm sure in a more favorable angle/light she'd look even nicer. The thing is, E says she's chill and laid back. Definitely what I'd like in a woman. She is one year older than me though, well, more like 9 months. Not a deal breaker.

 

Tek,

Don't focus so much on looks.

I read how young people put too much emphasis on looks.

 

I didn't focus on looks when I was single. Almost any woman would probably be okay for me, in terms of looks.

 

"Average" looking girls, in terms of a scale of "below-average" to "above-average" would probably work. Most of us are "average" anyway, which is what I considered myself.

 

Recall sitting next to a woman in one of my college classes.

I think most would consider her "plain" or "average to below-average."

 

She was always making conversation with me.

Didn't see it at the time, and not sure why I never pursued her, but for a lonely guy like me who didn't get many dates (or second dates) in college, look at what a girl like her could've offered....

 

EDITED IN:

Viewing her Facebook page, I see she's divorced, has a child and now considers herself a lesbian.

Not sure if me pursuing her may have changed her life at all.....

Edited August 7, 2012 by FredRutherford

[Teknoe]

Fred, ha, yeah sometimes things work out for the best, don't they?

 

I agree that looks should not be #1 or maybe even #2. I will say E has recommended 2 friends of hers to me, and this 2nd one is definitely more attractive than the first one she recommended way back earlier this year.

 

Thing is, personality is so important to me. I have no idea what her personality is like. And I won't know unless E officially lets her know I'd like to get to know her better. Of course, that puts some emphasis on dating and whatnot, when I'm not sure I want to date her (based on personality + looks). So I can't get to know her as a friend without the pressure of dating her, which I might find I don't want to (and of course, vice versa). I feel like there's so much extra pressure, and I don't particularly am fond of that too much, lol.

 

That's why I've always done the friend get to know the girl slowly thing. That's also why I probably always get friend zoned, too.

 

I know being bold and direct is the key. I guess I have to swallow my preferences at some point and just trust God -- if I get peace to go through with this, that is.

[FredRutherford]

Of course, that puts some emphasis on dating and whatnot, when I'm not sure I want to date her (based on personality + looks). So I can't get to know her as a friend without the pressure of dating her, which I might find I don't want to (and of course, vice versa). I feel like there's so much extra pressure, and I don't particularly am fond of that too much, lol.

Then go on early dates in neutral "non-threatening" places like restaurants, sidewalk cafes, parks, city festivals, art museums, etc., where it's not so formal. Instead of picking her up at her place, meet her at the date, another "neutral" thing to do.

 

The less pressure you have in those early meetings, the less stressful it will be and the better chance you'll get to know each other.

 

That's why I've always done the friend get to know the girl slowly thing. That's also why I probably always get friend zoned, too.

 

You clearly see the problem with "getting to know" the girl first just "as friends."

Another guy may not take that approach and she'll start dating him instead.

 

Women like cool, confident guys.

Asking them out on dates shows a woman you're in charge and know what you want.

Staying "on the sidelines" portrays some wishy-washiness.

 

I may post something a HS female friend told me in a facebook PM about what girls wanted -- they want the guy to demonstrate some interest. Immediately.

I didn't and didn't know how and lost out... until my late 20s.

 

I know being bold and direct is the key. I guess I have to swallow my preferences at some point and just trust God -- if I get peace to go through with this, that is.

Yes, trust God, of course, but like someone out trying to find a job, takes some effort on your part too.

 

Tek, FWIW, my advice comes from personal experience and reading things years later that I was clueless about --- like showing interest.

 

Additionally, if someone had told me women are just as insecure -- maybe even more insecure -- about their looks and ability to attract a man --- I likely would've been bolder in approaching them...

[Teknoe]

Yes, trust God, of course, but like someone out trying to find a job, takes some effort on your part too.

 

Tek, FWIW, my advice comes from personal experience and reading things years later that I was clueless about --- like showing interest.

 

 

Oh I hear ya loud and clear. It's something I've learned over the past couple years. My next female interest I will go for the direct and bold approach. Something as direct as "Can I take you out on a date sometime?" (using the word DATE so my intent is clear) or "I'd like to get to know you better" (girls know what this means, especially in Christian circles).

 

Freddy, my last 3 rejections I did the friend zone thing. Well, my first was actually 1 on 1's, and I paid 60% of the time. My fault was not being more clear though (I called them hang outs) and the girl wasn't too familiar with American or dating customs (she never had a BF before and thought we were just hanging out... she was super naive, and I admit I didn't help matters because I was a bit unclear with my actions.)

 

So I've learned... next time, I'm going straight for it. Actually, my last crush, whom I never confessed to, I was hesitant because I felt she was a bit out of my league. At the time I was still working part time (for four years!) and just needed to improve myself further. Now that I have earned my VERY FIRST CAREER FULL TIME JOB, I know I'm not set but I know my "portfolio" is now in the "You can seriously think about dating now" file. I'm a bit of a late bloomer, but now that I have my full time job, I am feeling so much more productive, confident and I think girls will admire the fact that I work with little kids. Although I have to be careful as to not flaunt that around as a "women magnet" kind of device, and lose sight of why I got into this profession (for the kids' benefit, not for my self-image)

 

In a nutshell, I am further along in my life now than I was a year ago. SO FURTHER ALONG. Last year, I would not think of seriously dating. Now? It's in legit play. I know I'm not perfect and I never will be, but at least now I've got some core basics down, like the full time job and some good overall character. I think the next girl that I find I can connect with and am attracted to, and SINGLE, I'll go for the direct approach, as it's proven to work better than the friend thing. Especially at my age, we don't have time to wait around too long anymore. We're not 24, 25 anymore...

 

In fact, I plan to ask E if I can visit her small group this week or next. That way I can see her again and meet her 2 girl friends she suggested I meet. Killing 3 birds with 1 stone. That way I can see the girl of potential interest and see whether I might want to pursue a dating relationship or not.

 

Right now, I only have 1 pic to go off on and not much else. I think visiting the small group would be a good step and then I can take it from there.

Edited August 8, 2012 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

E and I are on pretty solid terms now.

 

How did it go from broken to solid? Some observations on my part:

 

-When she was "tired" of me in late 2010, I gave her space

 

-I still KIT with her here and there... and she could see over time that I was being genuine about it... which eased her back into talking with me after our "fall-out"

 

-She sees that I'm trying really hard in life now... I am now a full time teacher after teaching part time for FOUR years... my stock went up like 1000 points. She is very happy for me

 

Part of me can't help but wonder for a split second what would have happened had I had my life "more together" summer 2010 when E and I connected... I would certainly have felt more confident and ready to date, and might have been more aggressive. But I quickly squashed those bad thoughts and tell myself... things happen for a reason, and the best is yet to come.

 

E is a great woman. But there is someone out there who is just the right fit for me. I look forward to the day that I'll meet this woman... my future wife... but for now, I happily tackle the responsibility of being an effective full time teacher.

 

ONWARDS!

[SunandMoon]

Oh man, it's 4am and I just read the majority of this thread...whew.

 

I'm going through a bit of a rocky patch with an online female friend, and well, I haven't had much experience with female friends in general (especially ones I have a crush on), but this thread really drove it home for me and put things in perspective. I learned quite a bit and I hope to put some of what I learned to good use.

 

Yeah, ya guessed it, I don't really have much in the way of advice, but just wanted to say thanks to the OP for creating this wonderful thread.

 

Teknoe, I am so glad you were able to patch things up with E! And much luck & wishes your way in finding that woman that is there just for you!

[FredRutherford]

Part of me can't help but wonder for a split second what would have happened had I had my life "more together" summer 2010 when E and I connected... I would certainly have felt more confident and ready to date, and might have been more aggressive. But I quickly squashed those bad thoughts and tell myself... things happen for a reason, and the best is yet to come.

That's a good pt, Tek.

Here on LS, I speny too much time "looking back" to my 20s and wishing I'd done things in my dating life so much differently.

 

Thanks to some help from some other pple. online, I now clearly understand why I was such an unconfident young man, afraid to approach ladies and always seeking approval in others.

 

Parents divorced @5. Mom remarried when I was 8 and lived with a physically abusive stepfather, who would wallop you on the back of your head. Did that to his sons too...

None of the SOB's family has anything to do with him now.

I wised-up and moved out of state to be with my dad my soph. yr. of HS.

Mom later divorced the monster.

 

It all "fits" now and I clearly see why I was too shy and had like zero confidence until I got close to 30, when met future wife.

[Teknoe]

Fred,

It's all about seasons... and just being open enough to embrace those different seasons as they come. Every season is a learning opportunity, especially if one allows it.

 

 

Oh man, it's 4am and I just read the majority of this thread...whew.

 

I'm going through a bit of a rocky patch with an online female friend, and well, I haven't had much experience with female friends in general (especially ones I have a crush on), but this thread really drove it home for me and put things in perspective. I learned quite a bit and I hope to put some of what I learned to good use.

 

Yeah, ya guessed it, I don't really have much in the way of advice, but just wanted to say thanks to the OP for creating this wonderful thread.

 

Teknoe, I am so glad you were able to patch things up with E! And much luck & wishes your way in finding that woman that is there just for you!

 

Wow, it's posts like this that make me marvel. This thread has become quite a monster (almost 300,000 views! That is just nuts, lol). You never know who it might speak to, and I'm glad it spoke to you last night.

 

I read through this thread not too long ago... and it's cool because I can see how I changed from November 2010 to August 2012... that's almost two years. I can see how I've matured and come to understand the opposite sex more.

 

Mostly, I've learned to embrace who I am and where I am in life. And it's a MUCH better place now than it was a year or two ago.

 

I hope the best for you, and that you'll put to practice some of the theories you learned in this thread. You're not alone, and just like me, you'll grow and look back and go, "Wow... I'm so different now than I was _ months ago"

[ambivalentwish]

I would love to go through and piece together each part that I enjoyed reading the most in this thread but for the idea of saving your sanity by shortening this "to-be-lengthy-post" I just wanted to highlight some personal "mini-epiphanies" I gathered after reading this thread.

 

Some background:

I know some may label me as "someone lacking the capacity" to express "mature convictions" because of my "lack of experience and age (18)" but I don't mean to come off as rude or disrespectful to the other contributors of this thread. I initially stumbled upon this thread due to similar issues.

 

Teknoe, I'm glad I took the time to read through your thread and felt truly enlightened by the process you went through over the past ~2 years. Your struggles with your emotions and how you dealt with them over time got me thinking and furthered my reflective contemplation on my own life especially in the past 11 months. These are my gatherings:

 

(1) When someone makes an emotional impact on you but suddenly drops out of your life it can be difficult to get back on track. there will always be times you'll relapse into thoughts of helplessness and regret which is the exact moment when your insecurities and memories of "what could have been" truly attack you. But like you stated, "Time heals all." It's a difficult task but not an impossible one.

 

(2) The issues of "to-be-in-a-relationship-or-not" plagues just about everyone of all ages and backgrounds. It's how we deal with it that truly defines how emotionally stable and content we'll be with our lives. That's why it's so beneficial to take a step back and prioritize our lives every now and then i.e. during your conflict of "to-pursue-or-not-pursue-a-continuation-of-your-friendship-with-E" you focused on forwarding yourself, your career and transition from part-time-teacher to full-time-teaching

 

(3) We never truly stop 'reassessing' our lives. It's a continual process that we go through to develop our unique identities and character. There's always room to learn.

 

Lastly, I would just like to thank you tremendously for posting this. I'm glad I found it.

 

Also I just wanted to share this song. It really spoke to me; I hope you enjoy it as well.

 

Oasis - "Stop Crying Your Heart Out"

Oasis - Stop Crying your Heart Out - YouTube

 

"Hold up

Hold on

Don't be scared

You'll never change what's been and gone

 

May your smile (may your smile)

Shine on (shine on)

Don't be scared (don't be scared)

Your destiny may keep you warm

 

'cause all of the stars

Are fading away

Just try not to worry

You'll see them some day

Take what you need

And be on your way

And stop crying your heart out"

[Teknoe]

I just wanted to highlight some personal "mini-epiphanies" I gathered after reading this thread.

 

(2) The issues of "to-be-in-a-relationship-or-not" plagues just about everyone of all ages and backgrounds. It's how we deal with it that truly defines how emotionally stable and content we'll be with our lives. That's why it's so beneficial to take a step back and prioritize our lives every now and then i.e. during your conflict of "to-pursue-or-not-pursue-a-continuation-of-your-friendship-with-E" you focused on forwarding yourself, your career and transition from part-time-teacher to full-time-teaching

 

Lastly, I would just like to thank you tremendously for posting this. I'm glad I found it.

 

Ambivalent... wow. Speechless. I'm so astonished that my thread would have impacted you (and others) so much. I didn't intend it to be but this thread has turned into a 2 year monster... and I can really see certain "landmarks" in my journey with E and how I reacted to the situation.

 

I went back to page 3 of this thread and made an eerie post on August 21, 2011, talking about my fear of teaching full time. That I was content and complacent doing part time. One year later, August 21, 2012, I have my very own classroom, and I'm a full time teacher now. It's amazing how much things can change in one year.

 

As for E, we spoke recently and wanted to meet a mutual friend who is fighting cancer. She was a little wish washy when I asked if she would like to join me in visiting him (stating she didn't know him TOO well and that they had lost touch over the years). Not shockingly, she ended up not joining me, and that's pretty much that. At that point, I just realized... she's a product of my past. I have not seen her in person since we caught up 1 on 1 February 2011. That is a long time ago.

 

I have, more of less, officially "let her go" from my life now. There's just no more use keeping in touch with someone who doesn't initiate ever. It just feels like our season together even as friends has come to an end. That doesn't mean I'll never talk to her again, but I certainly wouldn't make a concerted effort to reach out to her. It's clear we have both gone our own ways and yes, time heals all/most wounds.

 

As for my life now, it's back on track. I'm enjoying my 1st full time of teaching, and I've made a new female friend that has sort of taken E's place. Well, E was special and unique in her own right, but I think you get the picture. Seasons come and go. You change with the times. You always hang onto your real "forever" friends, but many seasonal friends fade away with time...

 

Once again, I'm so happy this thread has inspired you in some small way. I'm humbled and thankful to have shared this journey here with you all.

 

Cheers.

[ambivalentwish]

It's amazing how much things can change in one year.

 

I have, more of less, officially "let her go" from my life now. There's just no more use keeping in touch with someone who doesn't initiate ever. It just feels like our season together even as friends has come to an end. That doesn't mean I'll never talk to her again, but I certainly wouldn't make a concerted effort to reach out to her. It's clear we have both gone our own ways and yes, time heals all/most wounds.

 

 

Yes, it surely is. Many things can change over the course of a year. Of course, I know that "simple truth" only on a small scale of things. To share some personal details, I found out who my true friends were (losing a childhood friend from kindergarten in the process - but all for the better, no regrets.), graduated from high school, and now in transition to my freshman year of college. Of course, there are some things that I wish didn't have to happen but we can't have all the things we want in life. We can only choose to be appreciative and grateful for what we are given.

 

I can truly relate to what you said about "not worth it to continue anything with someone who chooses to never initiate." I actually also recently burned a bridge with a friend for that particular reason. I tried on several occasions to "initiate" but felt disregarded. Days became weeks and I finally came to realize it was unhealthy for me to brood over it when I could be enjoying what I do have already.

 

Not to bank on more cliches but have you heard of this quote before? (P.S. I think it goes quite well with what you said about 'seasonal friendships.')

 

People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When we know which one it is, we will know what to do for that person. When someone is in our life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need we have expressed. They have come to assist us through a difficulty, to provide us with guidance and support, to aid us physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason we need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on our part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force us to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

 

Some people come into our life for a SEASON, because our turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring us an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach us something we have never done. They usually give us an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach us lifetime lessons, things we must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships areas of your life.It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

[Teknoe]

Yes, it surely is. Many things can change over the course of a year. Of course, I know that "simple truth" only on a small scale of things. To share some personal details, I found out who my true friends were (losing a childhood friend from kindergarten in the process - but all for the better, no regrets.), graduated from high school, and now in transition to my freshman year of college. Of course, there are some things that I wish didn't have to happen but we can't have all the things we want in life. We can only choose to be appreciative and grateful for what we are given.

 

I can truly relate to what you said about "not worth it to continue anything with someone who chooses to never initiate." I actually also recently burned a bridge with a friend for that particular reason. I tried on several occasions to "initiate" but felt disregarded. Days became weeks and I finally came to realize it was unhealthy for me to brood over it when I could be enjoying what I do have already.

 

Not to bank on more cliches but have you heard of this quote before? (P.S. I think it goes quite well with what you said about 'seasonal friendships.')

 

People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When we know which one it is, we will know what to do for that person. When someone is in our life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need we have expressed. They have come to assist us through a difficulty, to provide us with guidance and support, to aid us physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason we need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on our part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force us to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

 

Some people come into our life for a SEASON, because our turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring us an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach us something we have never done. They usually give us an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach us lifetime lessons, things we must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships areas of your life.It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

 

Love that quote. I've heard variations of it, yes. BTW, you might be 18, but you seem wise beyond your years. I can relate... more than 10 years ago I too had a falling out with some high school buds. We all entered college and that's when you find out who your real friends are. And whether your HS friendship was based on real bonds or merely geographical convenience.

 

Well, once we got out of college they started to really annoy me. Eventually, I broke it off with them because life is too short for that kind of BS. They would just do stupid stuff I was no longer interested in. It feels good to let folks go when the time is up.

 

College is a great time to discover who you are and continue to mature. I wish you all the best. You have a bright head on your shoulders.

 

And yes, people who never initiate do not deserve your friendship. I had someone I thought was a good friend last year that I hung out with a lot, but then his true colors came out and he wouldn't even show me enough respect to respond back to me. Good riddance. Life too short for BS!

[ambivalentwish]

Haha, I AM 18. Let's just say that I've accumulated experiences most 18 year olds wouldn't have wanted. Regardless, I don't regret much because life is also to short to REGRET. I wouldn't change any part of my past because it's helped me become who I am today. People who are at peace with who they are - those are the ones that are most happy.

 

I like how you phrased that:

 

And whether your HS friendship was based on real bonds or merely geographical convenience.

 

It's true, my 'childhood friend from kindergarten' - We simply grew up in the same town, and went through the same schools from kindergarten-high school. He simply chose to show his true colors our senior year and I was fed up with his newly discovered "two-faced nature."

 

I'm looking forward to college, discovering myself, and experiencing freedom - Haha, that is if my traditional Asian mother feels comfortable with her eldest 'flying the coop.' Although I say I'm attending a local university to appease her, I know because I've grown up surrounded by family that the transition to "no family nearby" would be devastating. Nevertheless, I find this new change exciting.

 

Life too short for BS!

 

No better way to say it!