Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

[Teknoe]

This is an amazing thread but pretty much confirmed my fears and doubts.

 

Having to let someone go that you care about...

 

It is almost like you were living my life back in 2010 and now I am trying to salvage what is left of something which is turning into nothing. Using the same letter "E".... watching some of the same movies and experiencing some of the same situations...

 

I signed up for this forum just to say this.

 

I am in the early stages you went through, just clinging on to someone who doesn't want me around. My pinky is clutching onto whatever is left of any thread of a friendship. It was my fault and my fault alone. I can't say sorry enough. Trying to send out any form of communication I can just to try. It is slipping away. She was into someone else and I didn't respect that and I let it all hang out. I went on a hope and a prayer and landed face first in the dirt. I tried to be a good friend, but my feelings got in the way and ruined it all.

 

How I wish I could go back but then I think I would just be in a worse state, watching the person I care about with someone else thinking how selfishly I could do things better or whatever. Not taking into account her own feelings. I blew it...

 

I cried over it because I knew what I lost. I have never cried that hard at something like that, it almost scared me.

 

I hope God does have a plan for me, because right now I feel like I am in an empty room with no walls looking at a horizon that doesn't end. No one is with me and I don't know which way to go.

 

Wow... you and me both, brother. You and me both.

 

It's crazy how, like I always say, God/life keeps putting the same test in front of us, in a different pair of pants, until we ace it.

 

Guess I'm still not quite there.

 

I hope to ace the next one!

[Teknoe]

People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When we know which one it is, we will know what to do for that person. When someone is in our life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need we have expressed. They have come to assist us through a difficulty, to provide us with guidance and support, to aid us physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason we need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on our part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force us to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

 

Beautiful paragraph. I guess T was a reason, not a season nor a lifetime.... but a reason.

 

Can be just as powerful though as a season or lifetime.... that is, IF we would only learn from the reasons.

[FredRutherford]

I'm going to do what it takes to make sure my 30s > my 20s. I turn 30 this summer and my 20s was kind of awkward... had a lot of girl issues. I need to mature in this category.

That's a valid fear.

Many guys as they approach 30 (understandably) get worried.

 

Don't worry too much as early 30s are often the time when many of us who never got into successful relationships during our 20s actually meet our loves.

 

 

I'm doing something that just isn't working.

 

Agree.

This thread smacks of your dependance on these women.

 

You're too invested in them. They likely can sense that.

 

My advice: stop contacting them.

Go No Contact and start acting Non-Chalant as advised earlier.

 

Make THEM express some interest, if there is any.

 

Pls., do yourself a favor and read through this thread:

Nonchalance is Your Friend

 

I saw myself in that thread and saw all the mistakes I was making with women.

Tek, am sure you will benefit from those principles.

[Teknoe]

Right, I do depend on women too often for my happiness.

 

BTW, funny turn of events. T contacted me the other day. She apologized and said that she had been sick and basically out of touch with the world the past week or so.

 

She then asked me if I wanted to get dinner.

 

So, earlier tonight we met and had dinner. She owed me a dinner from back in March. She bought a Groupon and we agreed that we'd cash that in tonight.

 

It was nice to reconnect with her. Now, using what I've learned, I'm going to try and be more nonchalant. She's got some things she needs to iron out before I even think of dating her.

 

Thanks for the link.

[Teknoe]

Update: T and I are on a break. Dinner was fine, but I didn't progress and I'm sure in her mind she thinks I'm gay, playing games or I just don't know how to man up. Anyway, we're on a funky break (again) and it's probably for the best.

 

A new (old) girl is now back in my life. Ironically, I liked her when I first met her in 2009. She's cute and a bit awkward, which I kinda dig.

 

We've been connecting a bit lately and I just asked her out to coffee Sunday. Gonna have an open and honest discussion with her about our friendship and where it's at. May not necessarily confess, but I want to be honorable and be very wide open with our friendship.

 

Whether she shoots me down (i.e. oh Tek I def. just see you as a good guy friend) or gives me the ole "Yeah, I'm interested" I think this is a convo that needs to happen, for both our sakes but especially for me as a growth step.

 

Looking at this thread, I realize my horrible pattern of settling into the comfy good guy friend zone... never bold enough to step up or when I do, it's months and months later where I've gotten in so deep that the rejection hurts.

 

With this new (old) girl, we've only been connecting for the past 3 weeks or so. I don't want to wait around this time around.

 

I wanna break my bad old habits. So we'll see what happens!

[WordvAction]

Update: T and I are on a break. Dinner was fine, but I didn't progress and I'm sure in her mind she thinks I'm gay, playing games or I just don't know how to man up. Anyway, we're on a funky break (again) and it's probably for the best.

 

A new (old) girl is now back in my life. Ironically, I liked her when I first met her in 2009. She's cute and a bit awkward, which I kinda dig.

 

We've been connecting a bit lately and I just asked her out to coffee Sunday. Gonna have an open and honest discussion with her about our friendship and where it's at. May not necessarily confess, but I want to be honorable and be very wide open with our friendship.

 

Whether she shoots me down (i.e. oh Tek I def. just see you as a good guy friend) or gives me the ole "Yeah, I'm interested" I think this is a convo that needs to happen, for both our sakes but especially for me as a growth step.

 

Looking at this thread, I realize my horrible pattern of settling into the comfy good guy friend zone... never bold enough to step up or when I do, it's months and months later where I've gotten in so deep that the rejection hurts.

 

With this new (old) girl, we've only been connecting for the past 3 weeks or so. I don't want to wait around this time around.

 

I wanna break my bad old habits. So we'll see what happens!

 

Alright, you seem like a really good person, and don't take this as an insult, but you need to man up and just ask her out. The whole "Gonna have an open and honest discussion with her about our friendship and where it's at. May not necessarily confess, but I want to be honorable and be very wide open with our friendship" is going to get you in the friend zone alot. Instead of having that whole combo, why don't you just ask her out on a date? Girls want to date someone with confidence; being straightforward and asking her out on a date shows confidence (by the way, don't admit you like her until after the date happens), asking her where you two are at in your friendship does not display any confidence imho. Good luck man, hoping the best for you

[Teknoe]

Alright, you seem like a really good person, and don't take this as an insult, but you need to man up and just ask her out. The whole "Gonna have an open and honest discussion with her about our friendship and where it's at. May not necessarily confess, but I want to be honorable and be very wide open with our friendship" is going to get you in the friend zone alot. Instead of having that whole combo, why don't you just ask her out on a date? Girls want to date someone with confidence; being straightforward and asking her out on a date shows confidence (by the way, don't admit you like her until after the date happens), asking her where you two are at in your friendship does not display any confidence imho. Good luck man, hoping the best for you

 

Glad I didn't ask her out, lol.

 

Met her for coffee today, and right off the bat talked to her about clarity in a friendship blah blah blah and she pretty much said almost immediately "Can we just stay friends?"

 

I nodded with a smile.

 

I was actually relieved to hear it. At least I know now.

 

Then we had a nice conversation that went on probably too long, but it was a nice day and I had nowhere else to go. I enjoy her company, and now it's without the secret anguish of wondering whether or not her time spent with me is a sign of her liking me romantically. It isn't. So I was able to avoid that issue.

 

Had I asked her straight up "Can I take you out on a date?" AWKWARD!

 

LOL.

 

So we're still friends. She says she likes me because I'm her "spiritual" friend. She can talk to me about spiritual things and be encouraged.

[FredRutherford]

Looking at this thread, I realize my horrible pattern of settling into the comfy good guy friend zone... never bold enough to step up or when I do, it's months and months later where I've gotten in so deep that the rejection hurts

 

.....

 

 

I wanna break my bad old habits.

Good for you, Tek, for realizing this.

 

I've been where you've been.... Many of us have.

The FriendZone isn't a place a guy wants to be.

 

There's a guy I know on FB (he & I interacted in a Christian web forum).

He's 27, never gone on a real date or kissed a girl.

 

There's a girl out of state he's been chatting with online & talking on the phone for an hour every week.... for a year.....

I tried to help him garner some courage & try to move the relationship beyond the terminal "friendship" stage..

 

why don't you just ask her out on a date?

Girls want to date someone with confidence;

being straightforward and asking her out on a date shows confidence

Good advice.

 

Originally Posted by WordvAction

 

by the way, don't admit you like her until after the date happens),

 

True.

A guy doesn't want to show his cards too soon....

 

asking her where you two are at in your friendship does not display any confidence

True, especially early in the relationship.

 

The time to have that kind of talk is later, maybe 2-3 mos. into the dating relationship.

If one of the two wants to be "exclusive" rather than just casual dating friends, that's a good time to bring that topic up.

Best to ask the other how she sees the relationship (i.e. casual friends- can date others; exclusive )

I did that in the timeframe. Lemmee tell you, that brought us much closer emotionally...

Edited July 6, 2013 by FredRutherford

[WordvAction]

Good for you, Tek, for realizing this.

 

I've been where you've been.... Many of us have.

The FriendZone isn't a place a guy wants to be.

 

There's a guy I know on FB (he & I interacted in a Christian web forum).

He's 27, never gone on a real date or kissed a girl.

 

 

The time to have that kind of talk is later, maybe 2-3 mos. into the dating relationship.

If one of the two wants to be "exclusive" rather than just casual dating friends, that's a good time to bring that topic up.

Best to ask the other how she sees the relationship (i.e. casual friends- can date others; exclusive )

I did that in the timeframe. Lemmee tell you, that brought us much closer emotionally...

 

You think that guy may be getting Catfished? Not bashing online dating (if that's what it is) but it just seems like "dating" online for a year without ever meeting seems a little fishy to me?

 

And I wholeheartedly agree with that second part about when to have the talk; early enough to see if you're on the same page, and long enough for feelings to have developed enough to see where you're at.

[Teknoe]

Freak me. Freak me, man.

 

It was a prophecy. That post was written September 15, 2012. T and I were tight. She even offered me to crash the night, which I didn't accept. She has a BF, but over time I fell for her.

 

Flash forward not a year later... May 30 2013 and T has basically vanished out of my life. We were going strong but then something I did (I still don't know what exactly) turned her off.

 

Damn. This is a pattern I've developed with the opposite sex that I need to examine. It has a lot to do with me and deep-rooted issues. I should probably seek out a therapist.

 

I've crashed and burned with some crushes like A, E and now T... there is a destructive pattern here, and how I friend zone myself and then become too much for the crush to handle... in terms of boundaries.

 

I'm going to do what it takes to make sure my 30s > my 20s. I turn 30 this summer and my 20s was kind of awkward... had a lot of girl issues. I need to mature in this category.

 

Crap, now this thread title applies to T.

 

Unbelievable.

 

I'm doing something that just isn't working.

 

Sigh.

 

Well, didn't I jump the gun a little bit, LOL. T is back in my life and well back into it. She simply took a week off from the world (or at least me) but we ended up hanging out in early-mid June... and most recently I took her to a show last Sunday. Whenever we reconnect, it's like we pick up where we last left off.

 

And now she's single! Broke up with her BF a month ago after she had enough of his crap.

 

She's leaving the country for 5 weeks soon, so I sent her an emotionally packed email the other day. She responded, and I can see that she really values my friendship as well. It was really good to read that she thinks I'm a great person and that she's so glad I spoke to her at the place we initially first met. Funny... if I walked by her and never got her info we would never have the kind of connection we do now. Life is crazy like that. Take a chance. Make a connection!

 

She'll be back in September and I expect us to get together soon after that. I'm looking forward to seeing her and hope we can continue our chemistry. Maybe I'll try to escalate to a kiss if the moment is right, but I also have to be careful because she might just want a friendship and nothing more. Something tells me though that she would be open to explore dating with me... I just have to be confident and step up to the plate.

 

We'll see how things go.

[confused_friend]

Wow teknoe amazing thread and I read it entirely.. Really amazing to know how you have finally got over E and your journey through it.. It definitely gives some comfort to people like me who are in a situation similar to what you were in 2010.. Hope you find your Ms right soon.

[Teknoe]

Wow teknoe amazing thread and I read it entirely.. Really amazing to know how you have finally got over E and your journey through it.. It definitely gives some comfort to people like me who are in a situation similar to what you were in 2010.. Hope you find your Ms right soon.

 

You're welcome. You're not the only one who has benefitted from this thread. Really glad my musings and reflections have helped out others going through similar episodes currently. It's funny how we think we'll never get over someone, but the human spirit always pushes on. And many times, we meet someone who we admire/like even more. I guess it goes to show you the circle of life.

 

Right now, I'm pretty crazy about T. I know she ain't perfect but whenever we hang out I just get this really "alive" feeling. It is addicting...

[Teknoe]

Well, didn't I jump the gun a little bit, LOL. T is back in my life and well back into it. She simply took a week off from the world (or at least me) but we ended up hanging out in early-mid June... and most recently I took her to a show last Sunday. Whenever we reconnect, it's like we pick up where we last left off.

 

And now she's single! Broke up with her BF a month ago after she had enough of his crap.

 

She's leaving the country for 5 weeks soon, so I sent her an emotionally packed email the other day. She responded, and I can see that she really values my friendship as well. It was really good to read that she thinks I'm a great person and that she's so glad I spoke to her at the place we initially first met. Funny... if I walked by her and never got her info we would never have the kind of connection we do now. Life is crazy like that. Take a chance. Make a connection!

 

She'll be back in September and I expect us to get together soon after that. I'm looking forward to seeing her and hope we can continue our chemistry. Maybe I'll try to escalate to a kiss if the moment is right, but I also have to be careful because she might just want a friendship and nothing more. Something tells me though that she would be open to explore dating with me... I just have to be confident and step up to the plate.

 

We'll see how things go.

 

 

Well, after meeting up with an old college friend who help set me straight, I decided I am going to ask her out. Since she is out of the country right now, I'm going to keep my email brief and to the point. I won't mention date, because I think it creates a label, but this is pretty plain as day:

 

"Hey T,

I've been thinking about our relationship since you left the US. I have really enjoyed getting to know you better these past couple months. I would like to take you out when you come back, to see where this can go."

 

Short, simple, to the point. And since she is out of the country right now, it makes an email more appropriate... which I feel most comfortable sending out.

 

Wow, this is good. I can know 1 way or another! And so not drive myself insane wondering!

[Teknoe]

Well, I sent the confessional email, and it basically bombed. She replied saying "aw how sweet, I am not ready to date seriously however but I still love your company and still wanna hang out." This led to me sending another overly long email, that basically suffocated her probably, and came off a little too over analytical/scared her off. She basically hasn't spoken to me much since, and now she's been back in the states over 10 days and no contact. Oh well, you live and you learn, for sure.

 

I wanna thank the gentleman in this thread who has been pushing me to go the nonchalance route. I think I am finally fully buying into that program/mentality. From now on, I'm being nonchalant with all girls and crushes. I got a new crush developing now, at work of all places, and it's a good way to practice my new found mentality/approach to girls. So far, I have done a good job at keeping it nonchalant, and not overcontacting her. I might have teetered on the edge at times, but I think I have done a good job recently of pulling back.

 

For whatever reason, unless a girl digs you 110% back (which I guess I just haven't had in a long time), girls don't want you to get all serious and confessional. They like it casual and playful. Flirty. Fun. Light hearted.

[FredRutherford]

I wanna thank the gentleman in this thread who has been pushing me to go the nonchalance route. I think I am finally fully buying into that program/mentality. From now on, I'm being nonchalant with all girls and crushes. I got a new crush developing now, at work of all places, and it's a good way to practice my new found mentality/approach to girls. So far, I have done a good job at keeping it nonchalant, and not overcontacting her. I might have teetered on the edge at times, but I think I have done a good job recently of pulling back.

You're welcome, Tech.

I know I pushed you on this but looking back and reading stuff online, saw myself in similar situations. A guy's gotta protect his interests.

 

All I saw were dead-ends for you playing the "let's be friends" route and "waiting to see how it goes" first before asking her out.

Trust me, the not-so-nice guys don't hesitate while the good Christian women go waiting for the nice guys to ask them out.

 

Am dealing with a never-married virgin man in his late 30s who's pretty much called it quits.

He thinks there's "something wrong" with him in his conversation with women.

A devout Catholic, I'm recommending he try to improve his conversational skills by focusing on the gal and her likes, interests, career, life, etc. He thinks he's "dull" when in reality, many women think that of themselves & value having a guy show interest in her.

 

Another online Facebook friend, a man in his late 20's who's never really gone on a date, only sees the shades going lower & resigns himself to being a 40 y.o. virgin.

Add in his heavy guilt over normal and natural lusts, and all that kind of thing involves (porn), and you get one depressed dude.

 

Asked him if he's "God" and how he knows what the future will bring, how many don't meet their loves until their 30s.

 

All that's kind of getting ME depressed and glad I found mine in my early 30s.

Trust me, I know how it is for you guys as I was once there.

[FredRutherford]

For whatever reason, unless a girl digs you 110% back (which I guess I just haven't had in a long time), girls don't want you to get all serious and confessional. They like it casual and playful. Flirty. Fun. Light hearted.

That's the idea.

 

This Christian woman states it well.

Religious people: Did you feel any guilt when you lost your virginity? - Page 10 - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

Originally Posted by BetheButterfly

10th October 2012, 3:50 PM

 

I think many Christian women like the excitement and the danger and the adrenaline rush.

 

My advice is for Christian guys to up the adrenaline... take the girl on a breathless hike that gets the heart pumping for example or on another breathless journey if she's not into nature/fitness... also work out, muscles are really sexy.

 

I think one of the issues some Christian men face is they seem too "good" and do not have an element of mystery to them. Mystery is very intriguing.

I know I'm posting a lot here, but haven't visited this thread (or LS) in a while.

[Teknoe]

That's the idea.

 

This Christian woman states it well.

Religious people: Did you feel any guilt when you lost your virginity? - Page 10 - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

 

I know I'm posting a lot here, but haven't visited this thread (or LS) in a while.

 

No worries Fred. I'm happy you checked back in.

 

So, my current crush is a coworker. We work in a small space... making it dangerous if I ask her out on a date and either she rejects me out right, or we go and it doesn't quite gel. It can lead to some awkward work situations going forward.

 

I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I love the friendly rapport we currently share. On the other, I'd like to see if it can become more. On the (3rd) hand, I'm scared to rock the boat and kinda like it safe like it is now. Especially considering it is WORK.

 

I have reached out to her a few times, invited her to church, small group, a baseball game, but she never reached back. Always busy or had something going on, and never offered to make up. I get the feeling she just likes me as a coworker, and thus, I don't want to mess things up by asking her out... which basically reveals my hand.

 

Right now, I like it nonchalant and banter-y.

 

We're more than colleagues, but less than friends.

 

It's fun, yet safe and comfy. I guess I like that right now.

 

I'd be much more inclined to ask her out if she weren't my coworker. But she is, and for once in my life I am determined to walk by logic, not my wild imagination. I think if a girl likes you, she'll make it relatively easy on you. So far she kinda hasn't, and that tells me, in all likelihood, she just doesn't see me in that romantic light.

 

Thoughts?

[Teknoe]

I wrote my crush this encouraging card... but held back on giving it to her. whew. when i crush, i overcontact/give too many little notes/gifts. I think it's my way of trying to manufacture something.

 

today i was super nonchalant.

 

She was walking my way and i didn't even look at her. instead i waved at another coworker who waved at me, and i think my crush was like "what the heck, he didn't even look at me."

 

then at lunch she sat next to me and we (me, her, 2 other colleagues) enjoyed a quiet little lunch. Made them laugh a few times. had one say "Tek, you are so funny."

 

My crush ribbed on me, and I actually said out loud "JESUS!" and she gasped, going "Mr. Tek!" it was kind of a funny moment.

 

pulling back works. weird. you think contacting them will increase your odds, when in reality it actually has the opposite effect. I was thinking of asking her out to a movie with a few others tomorrow, but nix that. gotta stay in nonchalant mode and she'll probably say no anyway.

 

It's like "wasting a bullet on a dead bad guy already."

 

Leave one in the chamber.

 

And leave 'em wanting a little bit more.

[Teknoe]

One thing really annoys me about T now that I've confessed and she didn't feel the same way. That I am totally cool with. I understand. You can't make anyone like you.

 

But our friendship has changed completely. Now she talks with me like I am disposable. Meaning, she might hit me up, but she won't say "talk to you later" like she always did pre-confession. Now, she just signs off without saying a peep. I find it disrespectful. Also, I ask her questions sometimes, to hang out or her thoughts on a certain subject, and she'll never answer me.

 

I understand my confessing change the dynamics completely, but I deserve to be respected, too. If she's gonna treat me like I'm some kind of leper that if she gets too close to it might lead me on... then screw her. Seriously.

 

Tired of her disrespect and treating me as a non-friend. After all the things we been through, damn, I thought she would be more mature than this. It once again proves to me that no matter how mature you think a female friend might be, a confession always changes things. Always.

 

sigh. I am so done with confessing.

 

edit: would I look weak if I told her this?

Or should I just drop out of her life with some dignity and not mention how her disrespect hurts me? i.e. not saying bye like she used to before. i know it sounds small, but it's actually huge to me. i mean, who just signs off mid-conversation without saying something about it? i find it annoying and disrespectful. like she is playing with me. "haha, you confessed now i have all the power and now to make sure you don't have any thoughts i'm gonna treat you poorly so you know your place in my life"

Edited October 21, 2013 by Teknoe

[GGZ]

Hi Teknoe,

 

Like others before me, I want to say how helpful your post and recent threads have been to me. I admire how you have recovered from this experience and been able especially to rekindle with your significant other. I like to think that we decide what kind of lives we want to live, and have not believed this concept of fate.

 

However, as I read your story and look at what I am going through, which is pretty similar to your story back in that Summer 2010 with E, I sometimes question myself if I can only do that much, and the rest is decided or who knows even planned by someone else/something else.

 

Your story has given some hope; I have been friend with a woman for three years or so since I met her in college and we became close friends although it was a long distance relationship (We live 500 miles from each other). I would hang out with her and we would share our personal lives, goals and thoughts. I haven't thought of her as more than a friend until in the last few months when after I decided to bridge the gap and pay her a friendly visit, she shut me down on the social networks. I can understand she wishes we remain friends only, but my replies to her message maybe pushed her away...But by reading your post, I think that sending a last message or email to bring peace even if it makes me vulnerable is not necessarily a bad idea. It has been only three months since she cut me off and after reading your story, I want to a give it a try to win back her friendship in 5-6 months from now. I wonder sometimes if some women can just accept you, and understand that you don't want anything in return from them, but to be part of their lives and help them whenever they need help or someone to talk to, although you had had strong feelings and might still have some mild ones for them. I like to believe it can be done.

 

Einstein once said that "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'' But I think people need to believe in something, bigger than themselves, to fight for the things they believe in even though it may seem unreachable. Call me insane, but I want to spend my life to care and help people and close friends such as this woman, for I would be glad to live like as a stealth lover, giving and providing solace to her and disappearing afterwards.

 

Keep your story updated, I hope everything turns out to be fine for you and T. Thanks again for your inspiring story.

 

GG

Edited October 27, 2013 by GGZ

[GGZ]

In response to your previous thread, I suggest you tell her how her not saying good-bye or being somewhat rude bothers you, but do so in a subtle and indirect way. When having a good conversation, you can mention at the end, for instance you can say ''Hey, I have observed that you have recently been cold after hanging out together, I am not complaining about anything, but I just want to tell you that if there is anything you wish to discuss, I will be always ready to talk to you, because I genuinely value you as a friend and wish to make sure you are well."

 

I am pretty sure she may not have done it on purpose most of the time; she may be busy with work or some family issues. It is those little rocky moments, which show you the real facet of people's personality. Whatever comes out of it will strengthen your beliefs and interests concerning what kind of women fits your personality, and sometimes who comes in, fades away and remains in your life. gg

[Survivor12]

One thing really annoys me about T now that I've confessed and she didn't feel the same way. That I am totally cool with. I understand. You can't make anyone like you.

 

But our friendship has changed completely. Now she talks with me like I am disposable. Meaning, she might hit me up, but she won't say "talk to you later" like she always did pre-confession. Now, she just signs off without saying a peep. I find it disrespectful. Also, I ask her questions sometimes, to hang out or her thoughts on a certain subject, and she'll never answer me.

 

I understand my confessing change the dynamics completely, but I deserve to be respected, too. If she's gonna treat me like I'm some kind of leper that if she gets too close to it might lead me on... then screw her. Seriously.

 

Tired of her disrespect and treating me as a non-friend. After all the things we been through, damn, I thought she would be more mature than this. It once again proves to me that no matter how mature you think a female friend might be, a confession always changes things. Always.

 

sigh. I am so done with confessing.

 

edit: would I look weak if I told her this?

Or should I just drop out of her life with some dignity and not mention how her disrespect hurts me? i.e. not saying bye like she used to before. i know it sounds small, but it's actually huge to me. i mean, who just signs off mid-conversation without saying something about it? i find it annoying and disrespectful. like she is playing with me. "haha, you confessed now i have all the power and now to make sure you don't have any thoughts i'm gonna treat you poorly so you know your place in my life"

 

Stop bashing her...she isn't disrespecting you; she's making an effort not to lead you on because she CARES about your feelings--which is what friends do! If she were playing with you, she would be flirting with you and watching you jump around like a marionette. Is that what you would prefer? Of course not.

 

Give the girl a break. She wasn't responsible for changing the dynamic--you were. She's just trying to remain on good terms with you without feeling guilty about leading you on. Telling her that you find her way of dealing with the situation as somehow wrong will only make the situation more awkward and make you look foolish. Just try to treat her as you do any of your other co-workers. Don't attempt to prove that you don't care (when you do) by being rude.

 

Oh, and as for your current crush, be aware that there is a difference between nonchalance and intentionally ignoring someone. Keep it real, just don't go professing your affection too quickly.

 

Best of luck.

[todreaminblue]

One thing really annoys me about T now that I've confessed and she didn't feel the same way. That I am totally cool with. I understand. You can't make anyone like you.

 

But our friendship has changed completely. Now she talks with me like I am disposable. Meaning, she might hit me up, but she won't say "talk to you later" like she always did pre-confession. Now, she just signs off without saying a peep. I find it disrespectful. Also, I ask her questions sometimes, to hang out or her thoughts on a certain subject, and she'll never answer me.

 

I understand my confessing change the dynamics completely, but I deserve to be respected, too. If she's gonna treat me like I'm some kind of leper that if she gets too close to it might lead me on... then screw her. Seriously.

 

Tired of her disrespect and treating me as a non-friend. After all the things we been through, damn, I thought she would be more mature than this. It once again proves to me that no matter how mature you think a female friend might be, a confession always changes things. Always.

 

sigh. I am so done with confessing.

 

edit: would I look weak if I told her this?

Or should I just drop out of her life with some dignity and not mention how her disrespect hurts me? i.e. not saying bye like she used to before. i know it sounds small, but it's actually huge to me. i mean, who just signs off mid-conversation without saying something about it? i find it annoying and disrespectful. like she is playing with me. "haha, you confessed now i have all the power and now to make sure you don't have any thoughts i'm gonna treat you poorly so you know your place in my life"

 

 

you know i used to joke about making a male friend of mine suffer in the friend zone....i never truly meant it......most guys i have dated were from the friend zone........because i like to get to know a guy first .....i have had domestic violence in my life and other violence so i am a little cautious.........i am actually really soft and i have to protect myself.......so it is real irony when i make a joke of making someone suffer...i never do.......i make it easy for any guy i am with or interested in ...i dont have any exes who have not wanted to keep in contact with me.....and remain friends when we split......

 

 

not all girls would feel or act the way you described.....a revenge thing......it is petty and childish ...its not a woman thing...its a personality thing you describe........treating someoen like crap because they show you their heart......sad in my opinion.......hearts need nurture not annialation....most women take care of hearts ...its inbuilt desire to make others around them feel good........hah.....did you know goodness means peace of god...thought i would share that...best wishes...;0).deb

[Teknoe]

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

G, I wish you the best. I'm glad this thread gave you some things to ponder over.

 

Survivor, yeah, I did end up leaving her alone. In hindsight, my emotions got the better of me. But I never followed through. T and I have not communicated for over a week now. I've held off on sending texts I normally would. I just get the sense we both need a break. Maybe in time we'll reconnect as platonic friends. Maybe not. It is what it is. I've moved on, though.

 

And as for my coworker, right on. Big diff between nonchalance and ignoring. I haven't ignored her. I said good morning to her this past week and another day even dropped by her room to talk with her for a bit as I was passing through.

 

I realized though... I am over this budding coworker crush of mine now. It feels liberating. I tried inviting her out, she didn't follow up or through, so I've moved on and took the hint at face value. Now when I see her at work it's hey it's my coworker. Plus, I realize she is kind of COLD! She doesn't smile much and generally doesn't seem like a team player (often isolated for example).

 

I would like my future girl (whoever she is and wherever she is right now) to be super sweet... an angel. A classy lady. Who hopes, who dreams and who helps. Who smiles.

 

This coworker doesn't appear to be the sort. So in a way, I'm at peace with how it all shook out.

 

For whatever reason, I am meant to be single in this season. I'm now at peace with that. I hope for the future, but in the present have come to enjoy my freedom. Maybe it comes with being 30. Nowadays, I just wanna stay at home, lol. I don't mind a quiet night at home alone. Of course you try to balance it out, but I'm finding so many girls into the latest technology, gadgets, travel, etc. I'm just a super simple basic guy. I could be perfectly content staying at home in my PJs. The older I get, the more I am realizing I need to find someone who reflects that kind of thinking. I can't be going after all these "knockout" girls who happen to like going out etc. Just not my style!

 

I'd like to find a cute homebody of a girl who is into some of the things I am into, and who just likes to connect and has a wealth of 80s/90s random knowledge, haha.

 

I guess nowadays I'm looking slowly more for the heart/personality than the looks. I feel like I always went for personality, but looking back, it's always been personalities WITH good looks.

 

Hmm.

[Teknoe]

Update: T and I are on a break. Dinner was fine, but I didn't progress and I'm sure in her mind she thinks I'm gay, playing games or I just don't know how to man up. Anyway, we're on a funky break (again) and it's probably for the best.

 

A new (old) girl is now back in my life. Ironically, I liked her when I first met her in 2009. She's cute and a bit awkward in big crowds as she is an introvert at heart, which I kinda dig.

 

We've been connecting a bit lately and I just asked her out to coffee Sunday. Gonna have an open and honest discussion with her about our friendship and where it's at. May not necessarily confess, but I want to be honorable and be very wide open with our friendship.

 

Whether she shoots me down (i.e. oh Tek I def. just see you as a good guy friend) or gives me the ole "Yeah, I'm interested" I think this is a convo that needs to happen, for both our sakes but especially for me as a growth step.

 

Looking at this thread, I realize my horrible pattern of settling into the comfy good guy friend zone... never bold enough to step up or when I do, it's months and months later where I've gotten in so deep that the rejection hurts.

 

With this new (old) girl, we've only been connecting for the past 3 weeks or so. I don't want to wait around this time around.

 

I wanna break my bad old habits. So we'll see what happens!

 

 

Wow. Update time:

 

1. T and I had a nice email exchange. She updated me on her life and wow is she going through some major changes, including dumping the ex (again after a reboot try), falling for her male friend, leaving her career profession because of discouragement, working full time elsewhere, etc.

 

It was nice to hear these updates and I wish her well. I know our friendship will never be the same as it was before, but I hope she finds peace and happiness in her life, and that our friendship can slowly reform as time goes on. To a point where, it would be nice if we could hang out again without her feeling all paranoid that I might misinterpret it.

 

2. Now, for me and the girl I quoted above. Let's call her Jane. So in late June I did ask her for clarification, because I thought maybe she was showing signs of interest. She said right away "Can we just stay friends?" and I was relieved to hear that, in some ways.

 

Well, last night I hit her up on gchat. It had been a couple weeks since we last chatted. Asked her how she's doing and she surprises me with this:

 

"Hey, I'm busy working so can't talk now. But how about we chill later tonight? Either at Starbucks, my apt or my jacuzzi?"

 

I was shocked. She's the only Christian girl who would offer a "jacuzzi hang out." Personally, I have not been in a jacuzzi in EONS. I felt nervous, but said what the hell, time to experience something new and put myself out of my comfort zone a little bit.

 

It was nice. We talked in the jacuzzi for 2 hours. It was strictly platonic, so I enjoyed that. I told her I realized some things about myself as I get older:

 

-I've become a lot more introverted in the past 24 months or so. I'm a big homebody. Very basic. Don't need a lot to thrill or entertain or please me. So, realistically, I need a girl with a similar mindset. I won't mesh well with a "jet setter." I need like an old fashioned "mid western gal" who can appreciate a slower lifestyle. Heck, I don't even own a smart phone yet and am probably one of 10 young adults who don't in my entire state.

 

-I'm more honest with myself. I think from now on I'll look more for respect/admiration/compatibility/their heart than their looks. I've been chasing "fantasy crushes," good looking female friends who I had no shot being with. There was a pattern there. Well, I'm sick of going after girls where I project my vision on. I need to start basing my wisdom in reality. This is one of the lessons life has been teaching me since the T episode.

 

-Even if say I'm a bachelor the rest of my life, honestly, I think I could be OK. I just realize I'm different than most other people I know. I don't have a big social circle. I know a lot of people but it's very surface-y. I can count the # of good friends on one hand. I don't know who my best man would be if I were to have a wedding, for example (kinda sad to admit but as of right now it's true). I've severed some "social connections" in the past year that I just didn't feel was clicking. I'm very picky about who I spend my time with. I rather be alone than be "fake chummy" with acquaintances. It's weird? haha. I feel like I've become such a "I go to work I go home and crash" person and honestly I am OK with it. I like waking up on a Saturday morning with no plans and just lounge around, recover from the work week. I find being single suits this kind of lifestyle well.

 

Obviously, I want to hit a healthier balance eventually, but right now, I'm content where I'm at. I've just reached that funky point in my life where I realize I'll never be that guy on FB with family photos, vacation photos up the wazoo and a close knit band of friends waving shot glasses in the air in Cabo. I just like my peace and quiet, and my simple lifestyle. And I've been chasing after girls who live the opposite lifestyle, and want more ambitious active guys. Not that I'm a bum or anything. I work hard and take my career seriously. But after a work day I just crash. I admit I am not very active nor am I overly ambitious. And it seems most girls, at least the ones I have chased, are into those kinds of guys.

 

So now I'm setting my expectations to be more realistic. And now I genuinely want a girl who will get me for me... not a girl who I will have to "put on a show for to impress."

 

I'm a simple, basic, laid back guy. I will need the same in the opposite sex. Looks are getting less and less important to me as well. Now, I'm much more about their heart, disposition and compatibility.

 

Anyway, I know I rambled. Just thought I share in this monster of a thread that I started 3 years ago (!)