Cheating wife dumped by lover...feels like such a fool!

[hallie04]

Hello. My sick story in a nutshell is that I have been unhappily married for 10 years; also lived with my husband for 3 years prior to marriage. When I met my husband it was a rebound situation - I was 19 - and things had just ended with my high school lover who I have been obsessed with even to this day. Seven years ago I met up with the ex-boyfriend and began having phone conversations... which led to some sexual meetings which lasted for a period of two years. Things ended at that time and I met up again with the ex-boyfriend about 5 years ago - and have been seeing him since.

 

He had a live-in girlfriend up until last year, so our meetings were always deliberate and sneaky. Over the last 5 years I have felt that our "friendship/relationship" grew immensely and I myself have become quite attatched to him. He has never held a steady job so is on very shaky ground financially.... Over the past 6 months I felt close enough to him to help pay his monthly bills, purchase groceries, a car, Christmas presents for his child as well as him, and etc...

 

I admit that our relationship has always been mostly sexual... but I always have felt that we were very close friends as well. I always felt that we could tell each other every thing. I love the way he makes me feel.... he makes me feel pretty and sexy (even while struggling with a weight problem). He takes me back to the way I felt when we were so young and carefree... life was not so complicated back then. When I am with him, I can forget about my everyday heartaches with my home life.

 

I have one child and my husband and I own a business together - it would be very difficult to leave without sending alot of people's lives into turmoil. I am not in love with my husband any more - years of mistreatment and being taken for granted by him have turned me completely cold to him - I don't know that I can ever get those necessary feelings back to make this marriage work.

 

The problem is that my best friend and lover has told me that he does not wish to continue like this forever. He would like to be able to go out and do things together in public and says the "hiding" has grown old. While I understand this totally and completely, I am heartbroken that he is willing to just turn his back on me. He says I have been saying I am going to leave my current situation but he knows I never will. I honestly do not know what I will do. I do not think I am "in love" with my lover either, but do know that I do love him with all of my heart and can't begin to imagine my life without him in it.

 

While helping him out financially was my own personal choice, and probably not a smart one I know, I can't help but feel used. He would like to remain friends... I am finding this extremely difficult - he tells me about other women he has seen for dates or about women that call him or approach him etc... and it kills me. I am in such a state of depression and can't seem to dig myelf out this time. For my own sake as well as my child's sake, does anybody have any advice on how to get over this man. He has been an ever presence in my mind, soul, and heart every day of my life since I was 16. (Yes, he was my first.)

 

I am heartbroken and feel like such a loser for letting myself get into this situation.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by hallie04

......I have been unhappily married for 10 years;

 

So why remain in an unhappy marriage, living a lie, screwing around?

 

 

Things ended at that time and I met up again with the ex-boyfriend about 5 years ago - and have been seeing him since. He had a live-in girlfriend up until last year, so our meetings were always deliberate and sneaky.

 

So for the last 5+ years, you've been screwing around on your husband, and he was screwing around on a live-in love. How special. You sound like a perfect pair, no really.

 

He has never held a steady job so is on very shaky ground financially.... Over the past 6 months I felt close enough to him to help pay his monthly bills, purchase groceries, a car, Christmas presents for his child as well as him, and etc...

 

Oh, so he's a L O S E R. A leech, a bum, a lazy dud, a free-loader, a user. Wow, not only do you give him sex, but you give him a free ride. Wow! It's no wonder he's kept you around. Sadly though.....that money you've spent supporting your loser-lover's arse, you could be been putting it toward marriage counselling......or a divorce...or for your child's future education, etc. Does your husband know you've been supporting another man?

 

I admit that our relationship has always been mostly sexual... but I always have felt that we were very close friends as well.

 

Well lady, with friends like you, who needs enemas? I mean...geez, he gets laid AND a car bought for him.

 

 

I love the way he makes me feel.... he makes me feel pretty and sexy (even while struggling with a weight problem).

 

I hate to rain on your parade, but did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason he's so "nice" to you, and says the things that make you feel special, is because you give him sex and free groceries?

 

He takes me back to the way I felt when we were so young and carefree... life was not so complicated back then. When I am with him, I can forget about my everyday heartaches with my home life.

 

Life isn't a fantasy world. You have an obligation as a wife and as a MOTHER. All the time you spend with this leech, you could be spending with your child, or working on your marriage.

 

I have one child and my husband and I own a business together - it would be very difficult to leave without sending alot of people's lives into turmoil.

 

So in other words, your husband's hard work and his share of this business you own together, the money made from it is helping to support Mr Loser? Wow, I'm sure he'd be impressed to find out. And what's with this EXCUSE about it being difficult to leave without sending a lot of people's lives into turmoil. Color me crazy, but considering it must cost you a small fortune to be able to buy Mr Loser a car, pay his bills and buy his groceries, you must have a fair bit of money.......as a result of your business you and hubby own. My guess is that you don't want to do the RIGHT thing, and end your marriage if you're that unhappy, because then you wouldn't have all that $$ to dole out to Mr Loser. Could I be correct?

 

 

 

I am not in love with my husband any more - years of mistreatment and being taken for granted by him have turned me completely cold to him - I don't know that I can ever get those necessary feelings back to make this marriage work.

 

Well you obviously like him enough to be using part of his money to support Freddy Freeloader. And what's this about your husband taking you for granted? SUrely it could't be worse than how Freddy Freeloader takes you for granted, plus gets laid on top of it!

 

Stop living a lie. If youre not happy in your marriage, do you husband a favor and get out...and divorce him, so that he can find someone who doesn't make excuses for cheating......who will not spend the majority of their marriage in an affair with a freeloading loser.

[hallie04]

Thanks Dr. Phil, Oops, I mean "Befuddled" - for the tongue lashing. I agree to all, but never did get in to the details of Prince Charming (husband), so will not take your defense of him to heart.

[befuddled11]

God, some of you newbies crack me up. If you're looking for someone to sugarcoat things and give you warm fuzzies, as opposed to their opinion (which I assumed you were here asking for), then why don't you just say so?

 

Short of your husband threatening to shoot you and your family dead if you leave him, there should be no reason under the sun that you're remaining in an unhappy marriage. None. This affair went on years ago, it stopped for a while, and has been going on for the past 5 years. Hey, if you want to justify it by implying your husband is so wicked, go for it.....but it's really hard to have sympathy for sooooo many of the cheaters who come onto these forums, who whine about their rotten ex, yet remain married to them. I was in a rotten marriage years ago, I didn't stay long, I left. I lived in the truth, not a lie. It wasn't that hard to do.

[jester]

For my own sake as well as my child's sake, does anybody have any advice on how to get over this man. He has been an ever presence in my mind, soul, and heart every day of my life since I was 16. (Yes, he was my first.) I am heartbroken and feel like such a loser for letting myself get into this situation.

 

 

Now, onwards to the question you posed. How to move beyond a guy who has haunted your life for years.

 

First, you can get over him. Time is a great anesthetic. I'd develop other friends and activities to fill the void that your lover's departure has created. Also, I'd adopt a no contact rule. No calls, visits, e-mails, text messages, IMing, letters or tom tom communication. You must exorcise this lad from your life.

 

You'll backslide, I know you will. Bear in mind, however, that the reality of your broken relationship with your ex will never feel as good as it did before. You'll want it to with all your heart but you'll never again have that magic with him. All you will have is the memory of magic; don't confuse the two. The sordid reality of your ex will outweigh the happy memories of your magical moments together.

 

So take a hot shower, play with your child and cry yourself to sleep. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Start a new life, without this ghost haunting you.

 

And once you extinguish your need for your ex, when he's exorcised, then you can decide what to do about your marriage.

 

But that's another Thread.

[hallie04]

Thanks, Jester. I am a smart girl, believe it or not - just haven't made very good life decisions for myself. It is very difficult for me to give up this other man - right or wrong he has been a huge part of my life for a long time. I will do my best to remain strong and avoid all contact with him as you suggested. It is excruciating to imagine my life without him in it.