Well.. that's over. LDRs suck. The whole story makes me want to dry heave.

[durkadurka]

Hey guys,

 

First and foremost, I want to sympathize with everyone who's involved in a long distance relationship. It requires an element of truthfulness, and purity of heart that most people just don't have. I wish success for all of you.

 

This is the background of my fantastic relationship that got flushed down the LDR tube.

 

In Feb 2008, I met a fantastic girl who was in my country for University. We dated for a little while, before she dumped me and went to Stanford for a summer program. She promptly found another guy to entertain her, she ignored all my calls and I didn't hear from her for nearly 4 months. The guy worked for Goldman Sachs, and flew her to Europe at the end of that summer. How I felt then was almost as bad as how I felt now.

 

I found out that when I first met her in Feb 2008, she was still dating a guy LDR, and had relations with other men during that time. I don't know what their arrangement was.

 

When she came back into town, after some debate, we started dating again fairly seriously. In April 2009, she graduated, and decided to stay in the city I lived in. She did it for me, and only for me, but only under certain terms and conditions (I had to get an apartment that she could live in with me). What a giant mistake. While I loved the girl I was with, pressure was continually mounting on me. In May 2009, I met her parents for the first time, it did not go very well. In July, my ex set a 'deadline' for me to get my ass in gear, and plan for a future where we could move closer to her family.

 

She also decided that when she was house sitting for some friends, she did not want to pay rent. This was for significant portions of the year. This created the first of many fractures of in our relationship. This whole scenario was unreasonable, and in hindsight, unfair. Plans are something that should be made together. Instead, what happened was she made staying in the city with me as unpalatable as possible. She did not look for a 'serious' job, and didn't try to go out and meet new people.

 

Our first summer after moving in together, I tried to make it the best that I could, despite some serious financial problems on my part. But, ultimately, she had no friends in my city, and didn't try to make any. The end result was that I quit my night job, so that I could be with her in the evenings, and I found a job during the day.

 

She continued to work as a nanny, a lonely job, where she didn't meet anyone and she was getting lonely and depressed. It bothered me every day because I didn't want to see her sad, EVER. I tried to encourage her to look for another job, but it was like talking to a wall. She wasn't being challenged, and she wasn't going to be happy here. It was a recipe for disaster.

 

I started to get resentful, I didn't get to spend time with my friends because I spent all my time with her. So when I did get the opportunity to go out and have a drink with some friends, I didn't want to bring my ex with me.

 

One night in August 2009, my friend stepped off of a plane returning from med school in Australia, she found out her grandmother had died suddenly. Being a very old friend of hers, she called me for support. I stepped out to grab a coffee with her, and within 15 minutes had several phone calls interrogating me where I was, and who I was with. It was brutal.

 

Obviously you guys can all see where this is going.

 

Quitting my night job meant reducing my school load. This was not helping me in my ability to finish school, and be able to move with my ex. The problem was, between her, work, and the limited classes I was taking, I had my hands full. My ex would not sleep alone and became extremely clingy when house sitting, sometimes I would spend 2-3 days in a row and would have to go to work over and over wearing the same clothes.

 

I would gladly have slept over if I didn't have to leave the house every morning before the maid arrived.

 

She would house sit for periods of 2-3 months at a time. In the last year that we were together, she spent 8 out of 12 months house sitting.

 

In November 2009, she suggested that she was going to leave me and move somewhere else.

 

The prospect of moving away together became extremely grim. Her parents, who were always a metaphorical 10,000 pound weight around her ankles, were in serious financial trouble (again). On our flight down to Hawaii for Christmas 2009, after several weeks of arguing, the flood gates finally opened. She cried the entire flight down, she hated herself for being up here and being on a flight to her boyfriend's place in Hawaii while her family was suffering.

 

I realized then, that I was going to have to fit my life around hers. The problem is she couldn't figure out if she was going to apply to law school, or move to Europe. The problem is, I started to question the virtues of moving for her when she couldn't even be bothered to try and make life comfortable up here for herself? It was far easier for her to be here, and she enjoyed an amazing lifestyle up in my city.

 

Ultimately, this choice was made for her.

 

From there, things got even worse. In February, she completely ignored my birthday. Though, I can't blame her, for her previous birthday, I couldn't really give her anything because I couldn't scratch 2 nickels to my name.

 

In March 2010, I tried to fly her and her family to the Napa Valley to go wine tasting. I tried to politely offer to pay for her parents flight, delicately wording stuff because I know finances were a ticklish subject for them. I had hit a personal financial milestone and I wanted to treat my baby to a special birthday, because she deserved it. Instead, her parents politely declined because they told me it was inappropriate considering my ex was planning on leaving.

 

Talk about killing a guys heart.

 

She uninvited me from her birthday tea she was having with all of her girlfriends. I ended up taking her to a 5 star resort in the mountains and buying her a $100 dollar bottle of Champagne for her birthday (no sparkling wine crap here!)

 

Obviously, as things went on I started to withdraw further and further and further into myself. I loved my girlfriend but I didn't see a way out. She had just loaned her parents $5,000.

 

Then suddenly out of no whereshe applies for a job! Finally! Wooo! It involves 6 months of international travel and pays $75,000 a year. Fantastic, right? No.

 

The interview process is nearly 1.5 months long, and during that time, she flies home for her brother's high school graduation. Her parents drop a massive bomb on her. Anna, your dad's company is closing, he's going to lose his job. We're going to have to declare bankruptcy. But Jim (the owner of the company) is willing to sell it to you for $100,000 and you can save us!

 

She interview process dragged on and on and she never got an answer. I started to lose resolve and ultimately it boiled over. We needed a break. She was going to move home and try and save her family. She said she wasn't sure she wanted a long distances relationship.

 

Being the best guy I could be, I compiled a photo album of everything that we did from the beginning of our relationship to the end. I threw a surprise going away part for 20 of her friends, employers, and my family.

 

Typing that makes me want to cry.

 

I digress.

 

 

LONG DISTANCE BEGINS

 

When she moved home, I embarked on a path of trying to improve myself, rebuild friendships. But maybe the best part was that my ex MISSED me, she called every day, told me how much she wanted to see me, that she wished I was with her. She even asked if I still wanted to get married.

 

I joined a volleyball team and tried to make some friends.

 

Meanwhile, she was facebook messaging my brother telling him how much she missed him, and my family, and wanted them to come down and visit.

 

Eventually in July, she asked me to come down and visit. I literally walked right over to the computer while she was on the phone, and booked a flight down to see her right then and there. I visited for 10 days which might have been one of the funnest trips I've ever had. I took her to all of her favorite restaurants, made up with her parents and took them out for dinner, and helped her work on relaunching this business.

 

One night, we were sitting on a roof top bar, and she was asking why I was so quiet. I told her that I was thinking about us, and how much I cared about her. How much I loved her and how much I missed her. But that we each have so many issues right now (her business reclamation project was FAR from certain) and I couldn't afford to move down for school without being certain this is where she was going to stay. I told her that I wanted to be with her, and wanted to be that man she had a magnetic attraction to again. But that I didn't know what to do.

 

Despite that, I offered to move down, not once, but twice to help her with her business proposal. She also asked if I would come down to help her look for an apartment.

 

She didn't say anything, not even a word. The only small thing she said was that 'maybe I came town with some wrong expectations'. She still said that she was happy to not be dating anyone for the first time in 7 years.

 

So, I shut my mouth. Before I left, I wrote a 3 page note outlining what I thought about her, the future, and everything else, and how gracious of a host she was.

 

I left at the end of July.

 

In the beginning of August, she called me telling me the business plan was falling apart and that she had to explain to her parents how to claim for unemployment benefits. That's when it started to end. She asked me to sell all of her stuff she left up here, books, furniture, anything she left behind.

 

Being the stalwart guy that I was, I started selling them right away.

 

I got my mom to call her because my ex always loved talking to my mom, as she exudes a confidence most people don't have.

 

Then she stopped calling.

 

3 weeks later I find out she's seeing someone. My insides wanted to ****ing die. The guy is 12 years her senior, ugly as ****, and he owns a ****ing dog park.

 

She's called me 3-4 times since then, each time nothing good has come out of it. She's called to 'check in' and make sure that I'm doing okay. Ultimately, I can't remember the last time talking to her made me 'happy' and I won't be doing that again.

 

She's had 5 different reasons for why she broke up with me

1) She didn't see a future.

2) We have different goals

3) I didn't want to talk about stuff when I went to visit her

4) I didn't say the things when I talked to her

5) I had 2 years to make the right decisions and I didn't.

 

Apparently, it's all my fault.

 

She's told me how miserable she's realized she was with me.

 

I still have the money she wanted for all the items I sold, apparently, she's so interested in forgetting about me she can turn away $500 dollars.

 

I can't believe this ****. This girl is all about her, if you fit her interests at the time, she'll work for it. But the second her desires change.. game over man.

 

3 months later and this business thing is still up in the air, I think I made the right decision to 'wait and see' before I make a move down ther. If she couldn't understand that quitting my high paying job for something that is completely unknown at the moment then she has lost sight of what made her like me to start off with. My logic and common sense.

 

I can't say one way or another whether the distance makes this easier or worse, one thing is for certain is that I feel I was victim of the 'out of sight out of mind' mentality.

 

I'm off to the yacht club, **** this noise.

Edited November 7, 2010 by durkadurka

[Banega100]

uhhhh. i feel for you. I think you did stupid things like try and fit your life around her, when she was unwilling to do the same. Spending all that money on her too. And the notes and the photo album...

 

It'l get better in time thought bro. She seems like a bitch to you if that makes things any easier...

[folieadeux]

Long distance or not, this relationship would have never worked. I know it’s hard now but trust me, you deserve so much better and in time you will hopefully be able to realize that. This girl did nothing but turn your life upside down for years yet you continued to pursue her. My heart goes out to you because I really wonder what makes someone tolerate such behavior.

 

I know there’s two sides to every story, but I believe you did a good job of painting the picture equally. She is as selfish as it comes and I hope you will be more careful when choosing your next relationship and not let someone dictate your life and walk all over you.

[durkadurka]

Long distance or not, this relationship would have never worked. I know it’s hard now but trust me, you deserve so much better and in time you will hopefully be able to realize that. This girl did nothing but turn your life upside down for years yet you continued to pursue her. My heart goes out to you because I really wonder what makes someone tolerate such behavior.

 

I know there’s two sides to every story, but I believe you did a good job of painting the picture equally. She is as selfish as it comes and I hope you will be more careful when choosing your next relationship and not let someone dictate your life and walk all over you.

 

 

There are some things I left out that I should add.

 

Last summer (2009) I had a slight gambling problem. I lost a few thousand dollars. When my ex wasn't going to fulfill her obligations, and wasn't happy I turned to one of the worst vices in the world in order to try and make some extra money to pay our rent and try and make her happy.

 

September 2009: I joined a rec co-ed soccer team without telling my ex. I was being smothered and didn't see my FRIENDS at all. Most of the people were friends from elementary school who I ended up spending my first 2 years of university with.

 

I joined without telling her, and told her I didn't want her to come and watch because I just wanted some space.

 

October 2009: I went to a Halloween party with some friends and didn't invite my ex. I had invited my ex to the venue we were going to (it was a student bar) for the 2 years previous we had been together. She hated it, and even during the honey moon stage of our relationship, would not set foot in there.

 

November 11, 2009: I went to an alumni event at my old high school, Remembrance Day (for WW2 which is A VERY important event for my family), I drank a little bit and was invited to play in the alumni soccer game.

 

I called to ask my ex if I could play (I was supposed to meet her for lunch) and she flipped out. I even asked her if she wanted to come and watch. No dice.

 

 

 

 

I am not without blame here. There are one or two other things.

[durkadurka]

Last march I was writig my university applications she was out partying. When I met up with her some guy was all over her.

 

When we came back from Hawaii the morning she ot back she yelled at me for no reason.

 

When we were at my uncles 50th birthday she stole a bunch of booze. Then when she was sleeping she puked all over me!!

[folieadeux]

All of the things you updated this post with still don’t change anything (for me at least). She was very controlling of you to the point where you weren’t free to do quite reasonable things in life that made you happy and keep in regular contact with your friends. That is not a normal relationship by any stretch of the imagination. She wanted to totally devoid you of activities that made you happy and expected you to do everything on her terms.Your reaction of not wanting her to be around is more than understandable. I wouldn’t want to hear her bitching either after all of this. Chalk this one up to experience and run for the hills.

[Nemicron]

Dude I feel for you. But I gotta be blunt. it sounds like you were in a seriously abusive relationship. I know it hurts now But I'd serious think the pain will be over with. SOON

[Nemicron]

And thats how I've seen that 90% of women are actually. Totally shallow and selfish

[durkadurka]

Well... she called me tonight.

 

Apparently the girl doesn't grasp the idea of I never want to talk to you again.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for that, how would you feel if I said 90% of men are totally shallow and selfish, sweeping generalisations are irrational.

Maybe you should look in different places for your women, maybe you're just looking in shallow places like clubs or pubs, if that's the case you're unlikely to find someone with some depth to them.

 

 

And thats how I've seen that 90% of women are actually. Totally shallow and selfish

[Idalis]

I agree with everyone else. There was no "R" in the LDR it was all about her and you failed to assert your needs from the beginning.

All you can do is move on.

[durkadurka]

I should follow up, the girl called me last night. Left a voicemail saying she had been thinking about me, that she's been so busy, and that she wanted to chat about something I sent her a few weeks ago.

 

To text her to set up a time she could call me.

 

I didn't respond.

 

She then texted me that the companies I encouraged her to save to help her parents, she finally put an offer in on them.

[112233]

Hey guys,

 

First and foremost, I want to sympathize with everyone who's involved in a long distance relationship. It requires an element of truthfulness, and purity of heart that most people just don't have. I wish success for all of you.

 

This is the background of my fantastic relationship that got flushed down the LDR tube.

 

In Feb 2008, I met a fantastic girl who was in my country for University. We dated for a little while, before she dumped me and went to Stanford for a summer program. She promptly found another guy to entertain her, she ignored all my calls and I didn't hear from her for nearly 4 months. The guy worked for Goldman Sachs, and flew her to Europe at the end of that summer. How I felt then was almost as bad as how I felt now.

 

 

The fact that there's more story after this is all your own fault. Sorry but has to be said.

[durkadurka]

The fact that there's more story after this is all your own fault. Sorry but has to be said.

 

It's true.

[112233]

It's true.

 

I know

 

But you know better and will never make this particular mistake again right? Right?

[durkadurka]

I know

 

But you know better and will never make this particular mistake again right? Right?

 

Yeah, but right now I'm dealing with the immediate implications of the fact she's moved on to something way better that I was partly responsible for.

[112233]

Yeah, but right now I'm dealing with the immediate implications of the fact she's moved on to something way better that I was partly responsible for.

 

Implications shmiplications. It's over. Go find something else to do with your wiener. Seriously, if I sound harsh well, maybe you need a kick in the ass.