Doesn't it make you furious when women get pregnant with OM's child?

[fooled once]

Monogamy and marriage really create more heartbreak than happiness because they so seldom wind up being healthy. Even in the relationships that stay together...how many of them are really happy? To hear most of the people I know talk, relatively few.

 

The only reason that such children have a stigma is because of the atmosphere that adults like YOU put on them. You are either terribly hurt by something that has happened to you, or you feel very high on yourself.

 

I didn't say cheating was okay, but I can't stand it when someone tries to villify a woman because she cheated and got pregnant. Cheating is cheating and it doesn't make someone disgusting. Those actions are no different from roughly half of married women, but the outcome is different when a child results. It obviously is wrong if a woman withholds the true paternity from her partner. But, who are we to judge someone elses life/burdens/mistakes/choices? If one is a religious person, then their faith is very clear about all sins being equal, and about not judging, and about forgiveness. If one isn't religious, then surely they can see the logic in minding their own business. I am quite sure we all have plenty of our own secrets we'd rather not have out in the open. A child conceived in such a manner just makes it hard for the parent(s) to have any privacy in their secret, and it makes such nice fodder for gossip.

 

not sure who you hang around with, but I cannot disagree more strongly with what I bolded of your post. How sad that you don't know monogamous marriage partners.

 

I know plenty and yep, they have very happy marriages.

 

I guess people think marriage = never having a cross word, never disagreeing. I guess all those people in affairyland have wonderful, happy, no lying relationships Then again, those in affairyland don't really have relationships with people that include 'normal' dating scenarios - just lots of texting, sexting, masturbation via webcam and some quick visits to have sex. There isn't openness and honesty - it is secrets and sneaking around.

 

I've been married twice. Neither marriage had any cheating. No guy I ever 'dated' cheated nor did I ever cheat when I was in a relationship. Heck, until I was directed to LS, I had NO IDEA how many people cheat and how many seem to not think cheating is a big deal.

 

What is so wrong with monogamy? what is so wrong with DIVORCE versus cheating? Why is it that so many are such cowards that they won't divorce instead of cheating? Why do so many women - not the ones who enjoy being the mistress - but the ones who want a relationship (a monogamous relationship) accept being the hidden secret? Why do so many not have more respect to let her lover know she is done with the secrecy and she is done with her lover going home and playing house with his wife?

 

----- The below is MY view. The below does NOT mean EVERY affair. The below is not intended as a generalization - I am just too lazy to write out "SOME" in front of every sentence ------

 

As for happiness - look at these boards! Look at the PAIN so many have being the OW. If you can't comprehend why people stay married, because in your view, there is no monogamy and no happiness - what is your explanation for all the sadness and misery for OW who are in an affair? There is very little happiness AND no monogamy. She willingly kisses her lover goodbye while he goes home to his wife. She is only allowed to have contact Monday through Friday when he is at work. We see so many who aren't allowed to contact him on the weekends. We see these women in the depths of hell of depression, sadness, misery and heartache .... yet I don't see you proclaiming that affairs are bad for people the way you are claiming that about marriage.

[debby]

not sure who you hang around with, but I cannot disagree more strongly with what I bolded of your post. How sad that you don't know monogamous marriage partners.

 

I know plenty and yep, they have very happy marriages.

 

I guess people think marriage = never having a cross word, never disagreeing. I guess all those people in affairyland have wonderful, happy, no lying relationships Then again, those in affairyland don't really have relationships with people that include 'normal' dating scenarios - just lots of texting, sexting, masturbation via webcam and some quick visits to have sex. There isn't openness and honesty - it is secrets and sneaking around.

 

I've been married twice. Neither marriage had any cheating. No guy I ever 'dated' cheated nor did I ever cheat when I was in a relationship. Heck, until I was directed to LS, I had NO IDEA how many people cheat and how many seem to not think cheating is a big deal.

 

What is so wrong with monogamy? what is so wrong with DIVORCE versus cheating? Why is it that so many are such cowards that they won't divorce instead of cheating? Why do so many women - not the ones who enjoy being the mistress - but the ones who want a relationship (a monogamous relationship) accept being the hidden secret? Why do so many not have more respect to let her lover know she is done with the secrecy and she is done with her lover going home and playing house with his wife?

 

----- The below is MY view. The below does NOT mean EVERY affair. The below is not intended as a generalization - I am just too lazy to write out "SOME" in front of every sentence ------

 

As for happiness - look at these boards! Look at the PAIN so many have being the OW. If you can't comprehend why people stay married, because in your view, there is no monogamy and no happiness - what is your explanation for all the sadness and misery for OW who are in an affair? There is very little happiness AND no monogamy. She willingly kisses her lover goodbye while he goes home to his wife. She is only allowed to have contact Monday through Friday when he is at work. We see so many who aren't allowed to contact him on the weekends. We see these women in the depths of hell of depression, sadness, misery and heartache .... yet I don't see you proclaiming that affairs are bad for people the way you are claiming that about marriage.

 

Affairs suck, but so many marriages have affairs or cheating as an aspect of them and that is why I have a problem with so many marriages. I believe I am a hopeless romantic at heart. My parents have been married for over 50 years. Would I like to be in that type of situation? yes! It is likely? No. I was married once. I stayed married for 13 years in spite of my ex's repeated affairs and promises of reform. What did I learn from that marriage? Well, I learned that men are superior liars. I also learned that they cheat without remorse. I learned that they are like thieves who are not at all sorry they have stolen, but are very sorry they have been caught.

I have also always had male friends and hung out with a bunch of guys for many many years. I was viewed as "just one of the guys" and was privy to the secrets that they normally wouldn't have revealed around females. All I can say is I have seen enough of how men operate.

 

So do I think all men cheat? No. But I think men are much more vulnerable to cheating than women and research backs it up. I think that most all men are vulnerable to cheating. There are those men who respect their wives and marriages enough to know what situations would make them vulnerable and they avoid those situations. Those men are the exception. I applaud them.

 

I don't really trust my judgment enough after what I have experienced in relationships to feel comfortable that I won't be fooled again. I don't think my heart can take it. Would I like to be pleasantly proven wrong one day. You bet! I am just not sure that can ever happen.

[pureinheart]

I don't find it disgusting so much as just plain sad - the child gets saddled with the 'sins of the parents' for pretty much his/her whole life. The life of a child in a situation like that is never an easy one if the cat comes out of the bag so to speak. People focus so much on what got him/her here that the beauty of his/her individuality and humanity is shoved to the side.

 

LB, I rarely find a post of yours that is not profound in some way, although you have out done yourself...I cried while reading this...this is absolutely beautiful. I just love little people.

 

Desert, how true, your words of such great wisdom touched my Spirit in ways that are not to be explained. You are so precious:)

 

My dear Jennie, I bet you have never regretted your baby...lol...now teen. What would we do without our kids????? Wait till you have grandkids..OMG, totally the best. Your SO was ornery, but the guy has a good heart...and I mean how could you choose any less???? Who cares if the R didn't work, you got a cool kid!

[pureinheart]

You, my friend, are living in fantasy land. Forgive the mother? Never. Embrace the child? My wife and I do. It's her PARENTS who don't, and it's the parents that this thread is about. The OM (her biological father) played the visitation card to destroy my SIL's M because he wanted his lover back. He never wanted anything to do with my niece. The mother, my SIL is embarrassed by her own daughter's existence and took off for parts unknown (and won't be welcomed back, ever). Of the three adults in this mess my poor newly-minted drunk of a BIL, as disappointed in him as I am, is the only one who's had a remotely rational response to the situation. He's reacting the way that most people would.

 

Is it wrong? Yes. Is it humane? No. But is it human? All to sadly yes.

 

THAT is all on my SIL for birthing a child into this situation rather than aborting, or divorcing my BIL when she found herself knocked up by her lover, and in my mind it's on every WW who pulls this sort of stunt. They deserve to be booted out in the street. Their kids don't, regardless of who fathered them. However no man should be asked (or tricked) to pay and pay and pay for the rest of his natural life for the fact that his W couldn't stay off her back around another man. The A itself is bad enough. Add in the W's love child with her AP and you add insult to injury. Add in an extended period of secrecy and you might as well just castrate the poor bastard BH.

 

The sad thing is, my niece loves her father so much it's painful to watch her. She hates her mother and the man who sired her to hell and back. But she loves her father and feels his pain every single day. I think, if anything is going to salvage this situation, it will be my BIL growing a pair to replace the ones his W and her lover cut off, sobering up, and taking back his kids. All of his kids.

 

JAG

 

No, Desert is not living in a fantasy land, and why do you say that she is? Because she is speaking the truth.

 

JAG, this is bad, there is a lot of judgement and hatred. Who cares who fathered who or who didn't...why not rejoice in life period! I bet your niece is precious to you...right...I bet there is nothing you wouldn't do for her...am I right.

 

Forget about the rest of the crap and love her...just love her like you do without the mess.

[pureinheart]

I once was pregnant and didn't know who the father was: my SO or my OM. I considered abortion, but when I told my SO the truth, he convinced me to keep the child. He promised to act as a father whether or not the child was biologically his.

 

He kept his word. He treated our daughter like his from the very moment she was born. After half a year we got confirmation that the child was indeed his.

 

Kudos to him for being strong in a difficult time.

 

Jennie, I can't help myself and have to tell you this cute story:).

 

My first exH swears up and down that my daughter from my second M is his...Jennie, there is no way...there is 2 years difference.

 

He gets things mixed up because he had a bad auto accident when I first met him and drinks quite a bit from the pain sustained from those injuries and has worked physically hard all his life.

 

He'll call looking for my son and my daughter will answer and he'll talk to her for hours...he has always loved her so much, and asks her if she is sure that she is not his and she'll either go along with it or joke and ask for money.

 

It just touches my heart because he has such a good nature towards kids. The man has not a mean or unforgiving bone in his body.

[desertIslandCactus]

Jennie, I can't help myself and have to tell you this cute story:).

 

My first exH swears up and down that my daughter from my second M is his...Jennie, there is no way...there is 2 years difference.

 

He gets things mixed up because he had a bad auto accident when I first met him and drinks quite a bit from the pain sustained from those injuries and has worked physically hard all his life.

 

He'll call looking for my son and my daughter will answer and he'll talk to her for hours...he has always loved her so much, and asks her if she is sure that she is not his and she'll either go along with it or joke and ask for money.

 

It just touches my heart because he has such a good nature towards kids. The man has not a mean or unforgiving bone in his body.

 

That's a nice story Pure.. A child is truly a blessing of God. And your xhusband has the open loving heart that all should have.

[Tsm]

My xMM W has a child with someone else and MM doesnt know. I never told him because it was neva my place, he still doesnt know, im sure he will find out when the time is right, but Not from ME, until then hes the biological dad...

[desertIslandCactus]

My xMM W has a child with someone else and MM doesnt know. I never told him because it was neva my place, he still doesnt know, im sure he will find out when the time is right, but Not from ME, until then hes the biological dad...

 

So you've found out from this thread how hurtful this can be when others - especially the child finds out?

 

I can understand your reasoning for not wishing to disclose, but in the meantime .. what about establishing a trust fund for your child?

[desertIslandCactus]

So you've found out from this thread how hurtful this can be when others - especially the child finds out?

 

I can understand your reasoning for not wishing to disclose, but in the meantime .. what about establishing a trust fund for your child?

 

Scratch that TSM .. I though the child was yours.

[Darth Vader]

My xMM W has a child with someone else and MM doesnt know. I never told him because it was neva my place, he still doesnt know, im sure he will find out when the time is right, but Not from ME, until then hes the biological dad...

 

 

Ok, I gotta ask, How the heck do you know if he doesn't?!

[fooled once]

Affairs suck, but so many marriages have affairs or cheating as an aspect of them and that is why I have a problem with so many marriages. I believe I am a hopeless romantic at heart. My parents have been married for over 50 years. Would I like to be in that type of situation? yes! It is likely? No. I was married once. I stayed married for 13 years in spite of my ex's repeated affairs and promises of reform. What did I learn from that marriage? Well, I learned that men are superior liars. I also learned that they cheat without remorse. I learned that they are like thieves who are not at all sorry they have stolen, but are very sorry they have been caught.

I have also always had male friends and hung out with a bunch of guys for many many years. I was viewed as "just one of the guys" and was privy to the secrets that they normally wouldn't have revealed around females. All I can say is I have seen enough of how men operate.

 

So do I think all men cheat? No. But I think men are much more vulnerable to cheating than women and research backs it up. I think that most all men are vulnerable to cheating. There are those men who respect their wives and marriages enough to know what situations would make them vulnerable and they avoid those situations. Those men are the exception. I applaud them.

 

I don't really trust my judgment enough after what I have experienced in relationships to feel comfortable that I won't be fooled again. I don't think my heart can take it. Would I like to be pleasantly proven wrong one day. You bet! I am just not sure that can ever happen.

 

Debby,

 

There are good guys out there. My exH, although he was an abusive drunk, never cheated. My now H never cheated in his first marriage nor our marriage.

 

My parents have been married almost 50 years.

My inlaws have been married 56 years.

My brother has been married almost 20 years.

 

No cheating in any of those relationships. I am going on 13 years with my honey and no cheating. So there are good ones out there - you just have to pick through all the rotten apples to get one. When you do, it will be wonderful Like you, I am a hopeless romantic at heart (as is my H) ... I wish you lots of love and romance in your future.

[Fieldsofgold]

Good question... lol

 

-in the state of Tennessee it was discussed whether or not to make it a state law to require all newborns to undergo paternity testing.

Anyway it is a bad sign for the society, this discussion itself shows how bad this problem is.

 

 

I often wonder how can a human lie to the face of his/her soulmate about their child's paternity. Even worse they keep the secret for years and years acting normal. Seems either they have split personality disorder or they are professionaly trained liars..

 

I think it's a really bad sign for our society, when killing an innocent, unborn child is seen as an acceptable solution to the embarrassing/inconvenient results of a couple's immorality.

 

Why terminate the baby? If someone has to be terminated to save face, why not terminate the adulterers?

 

Now of course I am not literally serious about that, but if a life has to be sacrificed, why should it be the innocent baby? Killing the baby won't "fix" the REAL problem.

[wicar1]

I think it's a really bad sign for our society, when killing an innocent, unborn child is seen as an acceptable solution to the embarrassing/inconvenient results of a couple's immorality.

 

Why terminate the baby? If someone has to be terminated to save face, why not terminate the adulterers?

 

Now of course I am not literally serious about that, but if a life has to be sacrificed, why should it be the innocent baby? Killing the baby won't "fix" the REAL problem.

 

Yes, I agree killing a baby to save cheating a***** is not acceptable at all. True killing the baby wont fix the problem.

[JAGeezer]

No, Desert is not living in a fantasy land, and why do you say that she is? Because she is speaking the truth.

 

JAG, this is bad, there is a lot of judgement and hatred. Who cares who fathered who or who didn't...why not rejoice in life period! I bet your niece is precious to you...right...I bet there is nothing you wouldn't do for her...am I right.

 

Forget about the rest of the crap and love her...just love her like you do without the mess.

 

(raised eyebrow) You're missing the point. I raised four children, two were my late 1st W's by a previous sperm donor, by myself when my 1st W got herself killed under dubious circumstances some decades back. If you think that I can't cherish my niece and shield her from this crap, you're as blind as Desert is. My kids had no inkling what their mother was or what she'd done until the sperm donor shot his fat drunken mouth off during a family event that I was gullible enough to allow my kids to attend without me.

 

The difference is that my niece isn't a child anymore. She's a young woman. She has two eyes and two ears. She knows right from wrong. She knows whose fault all of this is, she just needs to understand that none of it reflects on her.....and so do her siblings and my BIL. No, my problem with Desert is her insistence that accepting my niece means accepting her mother's behavior without judgment, en toto.

 

Not. Going. To. Happen. On that my W and are agreed. We loved my SIL, both of us, but both of us are zero tolerance on this sort of thing, and our family knows it. My SIL knew it. We both have reason to be. So we will not whitewash what my SIL did for her kids' sake. After all, what she did (what she's STILL doing) is why we're all in this mess. Try to shield them from it as best we can? Yes. Support them as they come to terms with it? Yes. But try to pretend that it didn't happen and that she's still a good person? Not a chance.

 

JAG

[thomasb]

 

Not. Going. To. Happen. On that my W and are agreed. We loved my SIL, both of us, but both of us are zero tolerance on this sort of thing, and our family knows it. My SIL knew it. We both have reason to be. So we will not whitewash what my SIL did for her kids' sake. After all, what she did (what she's STILL doing) is why we're all in this mess. Try to shield them from it as best we can? Yes. Support them as they come to terms with it? Yes. But try to pretend that it didn't happen and that she's still a good person? Not a chance.

 

JAG

 

 

I think there is a special place in heaven reserved for people with good hearts such a yours and your wives'. How you have stepped up and are caring for this child is truly wonderful and inspiring. A very christian, truly great thing to do. I wish we could see more examples of behavior such as yours today!

[Darth Vader]

You, my friend, are living in fantasy land. Forgive the mother? Never. Embrace the child? My wife and I do. It's her PARENTS who don't, and it's the parents that this thread is about. The OM (her biological father) played the visitation card to destroy my SIL's M because he wanted his lover back. He never wanted anything to do with my niece. The mother, my SIL is embarrassed by her own daughter's existence and took off for parts unknown (and won't be welcomed back, ever). Of the three adults in this mess my poor newly-minted drunk of a BIL, as disappointed in him as I am, is the only one who's had a remotely rational response to the situation. He's reacting the way that most people would.

 

Is it wrong? Yes. Is it humane? No. But is it human? All to sadly yes.

 

THAT is all on my SIL for birthing a child into this situation rather than aborting, or divorcing my BIL when she found herself knocked up by her lover, and in my mind it's on every WW who pulls this sort of stunt. They deserve to be booted out in the street. Their kids don't, regardless of who fathered them. However no man should be asked (or tricked) to pay and pay and pay for the rest of his natural life for the fact that his W couldn't stay off her back around another man. The A itself is bad enough. Add in the W's love child with her AP and you add insult to injury. Add in an extended period of secrecy and you might as well just castrate the poor bastard BH.

 

The sad thing is, my niece loves her father so much it's painful to watch her. She hates her mother and the man who sired her to hell and back. But she loves her father and feels his pain every single day. I think, if anything is going to salvage this situation, it will be my BIL growing a pair to replace the ones his W and her lover cut off, sobering up, and taking back his kids. All of his kids.

 

JAG

 

DAMN! Almost brings tears to my eyes! I hope your BIL can see she really loves him, even if he didn't father her. That goes to show you, children ain't stupid! They know more than you think they do! I do hope he wakes up.

[Joe Normal]

The most important thing is that the child is treated fairly and is loved.

 

No, the most important thing is that the cheating slut is shamed publicly, divorced, financially ruined, and ostracised from the community. That is what will dissuade future affairs and the horror of your marital partner having a kid with another person.

[Joe Normal]

Would you rather be protected at birth or have all your resources bled dry because the woman who betrayed you needs support?

 

I think he'd rather make that choice himself than have some nincompoop from the government ORDER him to do it against his will. Maybe he has this idea of living in a free country not a communist dictatorship?

[wicar1]

No, the most important thing is that the cheating slut is shamed publicly, divorced, financially ruined, and ostracised from the community. That is what will dissuade future affairs and the horror of your marital partner having a kid with another person.

 

true.... !!

[Woggle]

I think he'd rather make that choice himself than have some nincompoop from the government ORDER him to do it against his will. Maybe he has this idea of living in a free country not a communist dictatorship?

 

He thinks this is a dictatorship but somehow having his wallet sucked dry for a child that he did not even father does not seem to bother him as much.

[TinaniT]

 

My parents have been married almost 50 years.

My inlaws have been married 56 years.

My brother has been married almost 20 years.

 

No cheating in any of those relationships. I am going on 13 years with my honey and no cheating. So there are good ones out there - you just have to pick through all the rotten apples to get one. When you do, it will be wonderful Like you, I am a hopeless romantic at heart (as is my H) ... I wish you lots of love and romance in your future.

 

Just an aside, you can be close to a relationship and not be in it and never know there was an episode of or ongoing infidelity.

 

And time doesn't guarantee protection.

My love, previously MM, was married over 20 years before cheating with no previous infidelity in his life. She had cheated before then by several years (but as far as we know not for the first 15+ years of marriage), but that wasn't open knowledge and certainly no one they know knows what she did, including family.

 

I only mention this because I think it might be, easier isn't the word, but less lonely, if people realize how many other people have been in their situation.

[woinlove]

Just an aside, you can be close to a relationship and not be in it and never know there was an episode of or ongoing infidelity.

 

And time doesn't guarantee protection.

My love, previously MM, was married over 20 years before cheating with no previous infidelity in his life. She had cheated before then by several years (but as far as we know not for the first 15+ years of marriage), but that wasn't open knowledge and certainly no one they know knows what she did, including family.

 

I only mention this because I think it might be, easier isn't the word, but less lonely, if people realize how many other people have been in their situation.

 

Who do you think is unaware that some people cheat? And who do you think is lonely because of this?

 

Most people are aware that some people cheat. On the other hand, some people almost seem to like to see cheating where there is none. Some people who cheat or get involved with a cheater seem to think that most people cheat. It's a way to rationalize their behavior toward others.