Am I doing the right thing?

[Rap17]

OK I suggest just give her the time she needs. Also I think it's going to take her longer because you kinda made her feel guilty from taking this break. Sometime's people just need space and you need to give that to them. I was the same way awhile ago I didn't want to take a break I thought we could fix thing's on our own told her I would change.

 

Well we didn't take that break and now we have been broken up for 8 months and she doesn't even talk to me. And had I just said I can see you need some time apart I will give that to you. I would have had time to miss her and realize alot as well as her and we would still be together. Plus she would have respected me more for it.

 

So what I suggest to you is give her a letter saying. " After the last couple days I have had time to think and I realize now you just want some time and I just want you to know I respect that and you have no reason to feel guilty or upset about this at all. I want you to take all the time that you need because I know in the end if we do get back together then our relationship will be stronger for it and I know that this is the right thing to do. I know that I said we should get together in a month but I don't think we should put a time on thing's because if we rush back into thing's without figuring everything out then it will never be healed. I also want you to know that if you have any problem or anything you want to talk about I am here for you when ever you need me and I will not take it wrong or push anything on you. I love you and I can see now that we really need this and I don't want you to worry about anything except your self for as long as you need" Not perfect just a rough draft. Word things a bit differently if you want but dont forget the meaning.

 

What this does is it allows her to take this time apart with respect for you and with no guilt which will only make thing's worse. And in turn the guilt you are causing so she will remember that and will have hard feelings towards you. If you just say this it will also give her the mind set that your ok with this and are kind of over some of it and are ready to move forward and she will know this and be afraid that she could lose you which will speed thing's up a bit. I swear this is what she needs to hear you made her feel guilty and time apart is never a bad thing if your meant to be. I promise she will respect you more if you send this. Also don't tell a girl that you are hurting for this it makes them feel bad and guilty and the only reason they will come back is because they feel bad and will not last because they hold it against you. I promise you if I had this site or advice when we were dating thing's would be awsome it has helped alot

 

Also stop over thinking everything man when me and my ex broke up she always smiled and laughed but inside we were both devastated it mean's nothing. When you are infront of people you don't want to be a downer. Also I just went to the bar inside I was having a ****ty time but on the outsside I was smiling and laughing talking to everyone. It's good to do because EXs over think it and think your moving on don't over think it it means nothing. She's is not going to show you she is down.

 

Wow man thanks for that reply, really appreciate it. I kinda see what youre getting at, but I get the feeling that sending another letter will just invoke yet another indifferent response from her, which Im not sure I can handle. Like a lot of people here has said, its about self respect. Its not pride on my part, just a need to not get into the grinder more than I already am. I think yet another message from me will push her further away and she will start to resent me is she doesnt already. During our last talk this saturday, yes I suggested to meet up in a months time, but she wouldnt make any promises, so I kinda dont feel comitted to that one myself. She knows exactly how I feel for her and I know she still loves me, she just wont put it into the exact words and give me hope, because that means she will feel obligated towards me. She said she might come crawling back, but for now she didnt want to be in any relationship at all. I know thats something she says to keep me hanging, which is not a great position for me to be in, but I think thats exactly where NC can prove to be very useful.

 

Btw, could you perhaps explain in greater detail how I made her feel guilty about her decision? I think Im missing something here and I need to understand it from anothers perspective to see things more clearly. See, I already told her I respect her decision and that were not together anymore, (which Im definantly not ok with, but hey), and that I would leave her alone for her to figure things out. I dont feel obligated to meeting her in a month either, but I did ask her to tell me when she has decided on what to do. Maybe it will be too late if she figures out she wants to get back together, maybe not. I just know that right now she doesnt want to be in a relationship and want to be independent, meanwhile I will leave her alone and not contact her at all.

 

Im told Im a great guy with a good heart, and Im always kind to people. She knows this and shes told me numerous times that this is one of the main reasons why she loves me. Im actually kind of getting mad and pissed off because she cheated one me for selfish reasons, because I was stressed out for a long period of time. Her ego is beginning to shine through, and although she does need time to work on herself, its becoming more and more obvious that she has tried to pin the guilt shes feeling on me, to either lash back at me or because she cant live with what she did to me.

 

Well, Im tired of feeling like a living punching bag. Youre right, Im over thinking things and torturing myself. Im worth so much more than this goddamn pain and anguish.

Edited November 11, 2010 by Rap17

[brown03]

Because you went to her and said this is killing me or something. Which makes her feel bad for doing this but she need's this andis intitled to it. All im saying is if I would have had the knownledge I had now we wouldn't have broken up but we did and I did everything you did and now she is gone probably forever.

And if she is saying she feel's guilty about it then that is something you need to make her feel better about. Don't want to send a letter fine but get it to her somehow. Because yeah you might have said it but a girl can tell when you are serious.

 

I told my EX that I agreed with the break up and I know that I needed to change and that I wouldn't want her back yet because I know it would work out the same.

 

Even thou she didn't come back from that it had her up all night. And she texted me saying how much she missed me and how she wanted to come spend the night. Now had she not been at her grandma's she probably would have came but in my case I have the family and friends against me in my situation so I don't even know where to start.

 

But I have had her say that I am way to good with word's when I am trying and this was when we were laughing about it she has not cut all contact between us. And when I gave her mail she didn't even ask me about anything or talk just got her stuff and left.

[Rap17]

Because you went to her and said this is killing me or something. Which makes her feel bad for doing this but she need's this andis intitled to it. All im saying is if I would have had the knownledge I had now we wouldn't have broken up but we did and I did everything you did and now she is gone probably forever.

And if she is saying she feel's guilty about it then that is something you need to make her feel better about. Don't want to send a letter fine but get it to her somehow. Because yeah you might have said it but a girl can tell when you are serious.

 

I told my EX that I agreed with the break up and I know that I needed to change and that I wouldn't want her back yet because I know it would work out the same.

 

Even thou she didn't come back from that it had her up all night. And she texted me saying how much she missed me and how she wanted to come spend the night. Now had she not been at her grandma's she probably would have came but in my case I have the family and friends against me in my situation so I don't even know where to start.

 

But I have had her say that I am way to good with word's when I am trying and this was when we were laughing about it she has not cut all contact between us. And when I gave her mail she didn't even ask me about anything or talk just got her stuff and left.

 

Well, I did forgive her for the cheating and in a very calm and mature manner. And I really meant it and told her in a sincere way, so bringing it up again would be like beating a dead horse. As for me arguing with her when we were drunk, I phoned her saturday and appologized and told her that its was my emotions getting the better of me. During that phone call we could talk rationally and calmly, even though she was dissapointed that I reacted like I did. But thing is, I wont appologize anymore for how I feel for her, important thing is just that she knows and that she doesnt see me as some vengeful bad guy, cause I havent been behaving that way. I truly feel that NC is way better at the moment, cause it will give her time to reflect on things that was said, or escape, whatever she chooses to do. I did write a letter, I did meet with her and talk for hours in person in a mature manner, I did mess up this friday, and I did phone her and appologized and let her know that I would give her space and time.

 

It feels like everything else I would do now would just be a step backwards. Maybe Im not being rational, but I know she loves me and is hurting as well, and now the ball is in her court. If theres going to be any chance of her missing me, I cant be around her at all, not even in writing.

 

Like I said, I have made it clear I respect her decision and I understand what shes going through, that I will oblige and give her the space, that I still love her and want to be with her and that Ive given her an opening should she rethink her decision. I dont know if theres anything else I can do. But its just that, an opening. I never told her that I would be available forever and be waiting on the sideline forever.

[Rap17]

Day 5 of NC.

 

Been a bit better today. Day off from Uni, woke up and felt miserable for apx 5 mins, then my feelings turned to anger and contempt.

 

Been thinking about her a lot, but after having reflected on whats transpired Im beginning to see sides of her that I dont like very much at all. She loves me and shes treating me like this? Ive always loved her unconditionally, and even though Ive been dealing with stress and during this period not been as emotionally "present" as she would have liked, Ive never hid or been in doubt of the feelings I have for her. If she were to be in a mood one day and needed me to be there for her I have always been there, always. What she did to me there are no excuses for, and no, its not my fault.

 

Can you believe that when we first started dating I told her that one condition to be with me was that if you cheat on me its over? I made that very clear from the beginning, and when it finally happened I caved in and forgave her for it. I never thought she would cheat, ever, its was just a principle of mine Ive always had.

 

Its like I cannot even recognize myself anymore when thinking back on it, but I know its because what I feel is unconditional love. And she makes me feel this way for having so much love to give?

 

Is this love to her, the love that she proclaimed so often and so fondly? Acting on impulse and overstepping the one boundry that was sacred to me? I beginning to understand why she feels shes not good enough for me anymore, that she cant let go of the guilt. I never, ever deserved this treatment from her. Im beginning to see why NC is a good thing, how when we distance ourselves we see things more clearly and change our perspective.

 

Im now fully determined that she will have to initiate contact with me if she ever wants to work this out. For the first time in weeks I feel no need to write her or call her up, and Ive even managed to stay clear of her profile on FB today, even though the damn mural is in the way.

 

Acting on impulse is the worst excuse Ive ever heard, its like "I cant help it". Is it impulsive to invite another guy over to her place? Lying about it so I wouldnt find out?

 

Beginning to see the light, although tomorrow I could be in hell again. Im too good for this.

[Rap17]

Day 6 and 7 of NC.

 

Had a friend come over last night and we made some dinner and got drunk. Talked about the breakup, hes having problems with his love life as well and was comforting getting to talk about some of the issues and how Im feeling at the moment.

 

Today Im feeling like crap. Hungover and I miss her so much. I believe she went to a party last night and hasnt been on Facebook. Im imagining she has been with some other guy and its driving me nuts. Yeah, I might be over thinking everything but I have this strange gut feeling that something is up.

 

Im beginning to have strong urges to call her again, to talk to her, just to hear her voice. Although Im only a week into NC Im already starting to ponder why she isnt texting me or trying to get in contact with me. I cant believe this is happening and I keep imagining that she doesnt want anything to do with me and that shes moved on, although I know thats not rational at all.

 

The woman I was seeing before my ex has written me, asking me to go to the art museum with her. Shes in a relationship and I believe its a good one, but her wanting to be friends with me now after not having spoken in practically two years is confusing to me. Its nice with the attention, but why contact me now? Odd having a gorgeous women giving me attention and not really feeling like I care at all, all I can think of is my ex and how I wish she would call me, and how powerless I am because I know the right thing to do, is to do nothing. I wonder if shes thinking about me, or if she has deleted me from memory already.

 

Its going to be a long day, (and night). I feel like crap. Strangely, I feel like Im more in contact with my inner self than Ive been in a long time, like Im levelheaded despite the awful pain. Dont know if that makes any sense.

Edited November 13, 2010 by Rap17

[dreamingoftigers]

Moving through these strong emotions is going to teach you a lot about yourself in a very short time. You also have a chance to view your relationship from the outside and figure out if it is worth pursuing. I would say that the up and down things she is doing would say that she is not healthy emotionally. She needs to deal with the mother issues before she can get into a relationship. What is convincing you that accepting this treatment is okay?

[Rap17]

Moving through these strong emotions is going to teach you a lot about yourself in a very short time. You also have a chance to view your relationship from the outside and figure out if it is worth pursuing. I would say that the up and down things she is doing would say that she is not healthy emotionally. She needs to deal with the mother issues before she can get into a relationship. What is convincing you that accepting this treatment is okay?

 

 

Thanks for the reply, really means a lot. I can see how she has to figure out the issues she has with her past, but before NC, (two weeks after the breakup), she was walking around, smiling and happy like everything was ok. Now, from having faced her and talked to her I know that its all a facade, that shes hurting badly, so I had some closure on that issue. But now I learn that shes out partying and drinking pretty much every weekend, and to me thats not dealing with her past at all. Like I stated earlier, she has a history of running from her problems, and I feel thats what shes doing right now, running from me and the very issues she should be trying to solve.

 

I love her unconditionally and it hurts that she doesnt want me around to work through the stuff shes struggling with. You right, I dont deserve what shes put me through, but I know her. Shes a good, loving person with a big heart, shes just been through a lot compared to others at her age, (22). And now, Im just standing here and staring, helpless thats she might repeat the same pattern of running away and not dealing with her emotions, just burying them deep down.

 

Its killing me and I want to reach out to her and be there for her, but I simply cant offer a friendship because the second shes with someone else Im dead. NC is insanely hard, I feel like shes slipping away even though I know she cares for me. She has abandonment issues, what if she feels like Im abandoning her? Then Ill be truly lost.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the reply, really means a lot. I can see how she has to figure out the issues she has with her past, but before NC, (two weeks after the breakup), she was walking around, smiling and happy like everything was ok. Now, from having faced her and talked to her I know that its all a facade, that shes hurting badly, so I had some closure on that issue. But now I learn that shes out partying and drinking pretty much every weekend, and to me thats not dealing with her past at all. Like I stated earlier, she has a history of running from her problems, and I feel thats what shes doing right now, running from me and the very issues she should be trying to solve.

 

I love her unconditionally and it hurts that she doesnt want me around to work through the stuff shes struggling with. You right, I dont deserve what shes put me through, but I know her. Shes a good, loving person with a big heart, shes just been through a lot compared to others at her age, (22). And now, Im just standing here and staring, helpless thats she might repeat the same pattern of running away and not dealing with her emotions, just burying them deep down.

 

Its killing me and I want to reach out to her and be there for her, but I simply cant offer a friendship because the second shes with someone else Im dead. NC is insanely hard, I feel like shes slipping away even though I know she cares for me. She has abandonment issues, what if she feels like Im abandoning her? Then Ill be truly lost.

 

A lot of people say that they want to work on their issues then realize that they don't know how or what their actual issues are. Then they end up running away from them.

 

Sometimes you need an excellent counselor to even begin to chip through some of this stuff. Sometimes it is even hard to find the resources to start chipping away at your issues.

 

Have you taken a look at your own yet? Something got you into an unhealthy relationship.

[Rap17]

A lot of people say that they want to work on their issues then realize that they don't know how or what their actual issues are. Then they end up running away from them.

 

Sometimes you need an excellent counselor to even begin to chip through some of this stuff. Sometimes it is even hard to find the resources to start chipping away at your issues.

 

Have you taken a look at your own yet? Something got you into an unhealthy relationship.

 

She knows where her issues stems from, she told me a lot of stuff she hasnt told anyone else, not even her family. Basically its because her mom is a gambler and shes feeling guilt because she decided to move away from her mom and in with her father when she was younger, but also guilt because she cant make her mom well. On top of that I know she resents her mother because she wont "get well" for her daughter, shes never brought this up but its obvious. On top of that shes been in unhealthy relationships with guys who just wanted her body, and shes been growing dependant on being with a man. Last week when we spoke she said that all men are a******* even though she admitted that I was different from the others she had been with, that Ive always been good to her.

 

My own issue is that Ive been stressed out for a long time and was getting much better, and then she dumped me. When I was under a lot of stress I lost a bit of confidence, didnt have much energy and grew a bit distant, which I blame myself for even though I know Its not really my fault. During this time she must have felt that I was losing feelings for her or that I wasnt attentive enough, but she didnt come out and told me more than a couple of times, because she was afraid to stress me any further. But Ive always been there for her, regardless of my state of mind. When she brought up these issues in our relationship I listened, held her and explained what I was going through. That I just needed to cut down on the workload and relax for a while, and then everything would be fine.

 

I did cut down, the stress began to dissapear and I got better. And then she broke up with me, explaining she had been with another guy and that she wasnt good enough for me, that I was wonderful but she needed space to find herself etc. I mean, why dump me if she loves me and understand what Ive been going through. Arent you supposed to have patience with your loved one and be there through rough times? Its almost as if Im feeling guilty for having been stressed out and having been a bit depressed because of it.

[Rap17]

Day 8 of NC.

 

Miserable day with ups and downs. This afternoon I was beginning to feel a bit better, clear headed and alright with the NC, only to go full circle and desperatly wanting to reach out to her again.

 

When Im in a bad mood Facebook becomes a big problem. I need my account there cause I have several people contacting me, also asking how Im doing etc, which is a nice thing to have at the moment. But I have a serious hard time not checking her profile every so often, just to see if shes been online, a small glimpse etc. Its mind numbingly hard.

 

I wonder when this gets any better. Today it feels like my world is crumbling once again, and I miss her like mad.

 

Been a quiet day and Ive had no succes with getting my mind off things.

[Rap17]

Day 9 of NC.

 

Started the day off deeply depressed and felt like crap. Then a friend sent me a text and we chatted a bit back and forth, her offering support and being nice. Talked about meeting for a cup of coffee which made me feel a bit better. Another friend came over for half an hour, needed to borrow a couple of cd´s and we talked. Hes a mutual friend and he hasnt been talking to her, actually hes been mad at her for what she did to me but the feeling of resentment was passing, he hasnt seen her much this last week at all. He has been determined to speak to her for some time, but was afraid that their own friendship would be jeopardized. I told him that he shouldnt talk to her on my behalf or for my sake, that it was up to him to decide what he needed to do or not, and he told me hes gonna speak to her this friday at the party at Uni.

 

Im a bit worried that this isnt gonna make my situation any better, but I cant control what others choose to do. I know he has my back and that he is probably going to hear her side of the story, since she has told him that she would be happy to explain to him what was going on. I dread this. The fear of getting to know if she doesnt have feelings for me anymore, despite what she says. But then again, maybe it will give me a sense of closure or perhaps insight. I asked him not to talk about me unless she asked about me, I dont want to be a part of this and I prefer she knows as little as possible about what Im doing and how Im feeling. But its probably gonna be obvious that Im not feeling too great.

 

I know people on LS talk about not speaking to mutual friends about the relationship, so if you have anything to add to this let me know.

 

Anyways, after this Im sitting here by myself on this lonely night, thinking about whats happened but oddly enough beginning to feel stronger. Still listening to sappy love songs but theyre not as gut wrenching as they used to be and once in a while loggin onto FB. Shes been online a couple of times Ive logged on, but Ive tried to just ignore her presence. I figure she shouldnt have the power to decide for me where I should be and what I should be doing, and Im not even inclined to throw her a message in the chat window. Is being online when shes there a break of NC?

 

The feeling of HAVING to log on FB to see what shes up to is beginning to fade a little as well. Its like Im beginning to see things more clearly, like the fog is slowly lifting from my mind. I have no idea if its because Im past the dreaded 8th day of NC, (been hearing this before and mine was awful), or because its just a passing thing and Im gonna feel like crap again tomorrow.

 

I feel happy having such great friends who support me in these stressful times, and to anyone out there; Good friends are one of the things that will get you through this, just dont drive them insane with how awful youre feeling, I almost did. And these forums are a godsend. Fantastic people here and a wealth of information to make everything a little easier.

 

Miss her, love her, but tonight Im feeling stronger.

 

Thanks for reading and let me know what you think.

[Rap17]

On day 11 of NC, just a little update and a recap:

 

My girlfriend broke up with me after 1½ years, we were friends for half a year prior to the relationship. We had been having some problems for a couple of months because she felt I wasnt attentive enough to her needs and we both kinda took eachother for granted, the reason being that shes not good at verbally communicating what she wanted, and me being stressed out and a bit depressed because of outside influences, work, studies etc. I was always open to how I felt however, and whenever she showed signs that she was not happy Id talk to her about it, and encourage her that I just needed to take my time a bit and things would pick up, and they did.

 

I went to her place one evening and she broke down and told me she wanted a break, that she needed space and time to find herself and figure her issues out, (she has issues of trust and abandonment - her mother is a gambler and my ex left her several years ago, and I believe shes still feeling guilty about it).

 

I was shocked, never saw it coming, told her that to me there was o such thing as a break. That she would have to be honest and tell me if she wanted to be with me or not. She broke up, I was crushed. A week went by, I initiated contact, sent her flowers and a letter, which resluted in us meeting up for a talk just before she was about to make the breakup official. We talked things through and agreed on what should be better in the future. then she broke down again and told me she had kissed with another guy while I had been stressed out and working. After a few days thinking about it, I forgave her and decided to try again, she seemed happy and the following two weeks I did whatever I could to break old habbits, seeing her family and being there for her when possible, (when she wasnt busy working etc.). Not too clingy, but full of initiative and love.

 

At the end of those two weeks she broke up again, completely devastated. She told me she needed to figure herself out, that I was great and she still had feelings for me, but that she needed professional help and that I couldnt help her with the issues. "Youre too good for me, I feel guilty for cheating on you, Im not good for you" etc etc. Crash and burn, I was left a wreck. We exchanged keys, although she still has some stuff at my appartment, and she hasnt mentioned picking it up yet.

This all happened 1 month ago.

 

The two weeks after I avoided going into panic mode, but I did do some classis misteps. Firstly, I texted her asking who she had cheated on me with, because as it turned out I needed to know if it was a guy I knew personally. She got mad but I got my answer which a mutual friend confirmed, it wasnt anyone I had met. I just stopped by her place with a handwritten letter when she wasnt home, telling her I respected her decision but I wanted her and I was there for her, and I was going to change some things about myself, and what I figured went wrong in the relationship etc. She answered on FB, (ugh), a couple days later. Cold, formal answer. "Thanks, dont know what to say, hope youre alright, Im fine" kind of thing, just a short message. This is what happened the first week.

 

We both attend Uni and study work with children and young people. Were both trained in reading bodylanguages, which makes this even harder. When I would see her she would be happy and contet, like everything was fine. Well, this drove me nuts and I felt powerless, so one day in the second week after the breakup I went to her and told her that I needed to talk to her and in an open manner. She smiled and agreed, In the evening I went to her place and we talked for 4 hours. She started out cold, then opened up, cried, grew cold again, all over the place. But I sensed I was reaching her and I held her in my arms. We talked eveything through, that she needed her space to figure things out, and she admitted that she still loved me, but she never put it into words, I just asked her and she responded "yes I do". She had to stop herself from time to time because she sometimes spoke like we were still together, and sometimes that we wasnt. Things went a bit flirty but we agreed that it probably wasnt a good idea for me to stay, although I could tell she wanted to very clearly from the way she looked at me. I had a hard time leaving, but I kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye.

 

Two days passed, I went top the bar at Uni and she was there, (this was friday two weeks ago). I sat at a table and talked to a friend and some women I hadnt met before and tried to have a good time. My ex saked me if I wanted to join her outside for a smoke and I did. We just small talked but I couldnt help looking at her like a love fool, and I knew she could tell. Went back to the table for an hour, went outside again for another smoke and suddenly she was standing behind me in the doorway. Seemed like she was checking the girl out I was talking to. My attention went to my ex but we didnt really talk much. Later that afternoon I was beginning to get drunk, I asked my ex to go outside and I broke down crying, "why cant you be with me when I know you love me? I know you need to figure things out but..." etc. She got mad and turned around to walk away, I grabbed her and insisted that she listened to me, (Not in a harsh way, and not tightly, but still must have been awful for her). Did this a bunch of times then she went inside. We talked 10 mins later, same thing happened, she got so mad at me and said that it was over and that I could go talk to the blonde women at my table and go get my "revenge on her". I was totally shocked she would say this. She has trust iossues, but Ive never flirted with anyone, or even hinted at looking at other women. I was just trying to have a bit of fun, small talking, nothing else. I cried, got a bit mad and told her "Fine, then I wont bother you anymore", then went home.

 

On my trip home I texted her and tried to phone her, but didnt help. Then she phoned me up when I got home, told me that she was drunk, that she was crying and that we could talk the day after.

 

I phoned her after I woke up, and we talked, and this I feel to me is the most crucial part of this mess. I sincerely appologized and told her that I was drunk, couldnt control my emotions and that the alcohol got the better of me, that I in the heat of the moment forgot the long talk we had earlier and that I just missed her. She told me she was dissapointed and that my actions had decreased the odds of her and I getting back together. I told again that I respected her wanting time and space, and told her that I was willing to wait for her, but if I were to do that she would have to tell me what she was doing to get better. She said she was talking to friends and thinking about therapy, but I could tell she was confused. She told me, (and I believe this is key), that whenever she looked at me, she was of two minds. On one hand she wanted to go back to me and work things out, on the other hand she felt guilty for cheating on me and couldnt forgive herself for it. I told her that I would leave her alone for the time being and giver her space. I suggested that perhaps we could meet in 3-4 weeks time and talk again, and she told me "maybe", but that she wouldnt promise anything. I then asked her to let me know when she had reached a decision, and she agreed. I told her I love her and Id miss her, she didnt respond. Then we said goodbye.

 

Now been in NC for 11 days, have managed to avoid her at Uni, Weve only had two classes together, (which I skipped to avoid her), and we havent got anymore classes together this year. I have avoided her at Uni until now, not texted her, but checked Facebook from time to time. She changed her status and profile picture, looking very happy, and acting like everything was fine. Shes going to a lot of parties, and although she has very low self esteem, (shes a very pretty woman), guys are flocking around her, like vultures.

 

I have avoided updating my own status, just acted like Ive dissapeared. Havent heard a word from her, no text, no mail, no calls, nothing. Its hard and I feel depressed. I desperatley want to do something but I know I might push her further away, although being in NC makes me nervous since she might feel like Im letting her down, (remember she has abandonment issues, even though its her who usually runs away from problems).

 

Im 34 shes 22, and before you think Im an old dirty bastard, hear me out. This was the very thing that worried me before we started dating, the age issue. I asked friends, both my and her age, family and so on, and all agreed that age was not a worry at all, if we loved eachother we should go for it, and she was so into me so I made the jump and it was truly awesome. So much in love and I could tell she adored me. When we got together she had been in a bad relationship a couple of months earlier, and I guess I was her rebound guy in a way, which then led to a 1½ year relationship. Her family likes me so no problems there either.

 

If youve been reading this thread you might see that Im getting a clearer perspective on things, but this thing is damn hard. Knowing a lot of single guys want her, that I bet shes enjoying the attention and that I have no idea is shes working through stuff or just happy cause she left me. Dont even know if she misses me. We had talked about moving together after Uni, having children when we were ready, (and she really wants to, she brought it up), and planning a future. But taking it one step at a time.

 

I truly need some perspective on this thing, I would love to hear what you LS´ers could add that might be helpful. I love her with all my heart and I want to do the right thing, and yes, my self esteem has taken a bit of a knock down the ladder.

 

Any advice would be so appreciated. From my heart, thank you.

[Rap17]

Anyone?

[JOYTOME]

Hi Rap17,

 

I'm really sorry about this distressing and confusing predicament you've found yourself in. I just want to assure you that it will get better! And by better I mean you will be very happy once again.

 

It's impossible to tell with 100percent accuracy what the outcome of NC and you keeping your distance will be...we are limited in our knowledge of other people. However, I will say that NC is the best way to go for now. You need time to regain composure, to become a little bit less emotional towards her and to become stronger! This is definitely attractive to the dumpers and it's a win-win situation.

 

Also, you're worrying so anxiously about what your ex thinks and how she feels etc; it's impossible for you to do everything contemporaneously. You can't give her space (which she's requested for) whislt initiating contact with her (because you're worried about her abandonment issues). You're trying to be a superman and you're not being fair to yourself.

 

Be rest assured that the best thing you can do now is to refrain from contacing her and giving her time to deal with her issues. A part of me thinks it might be a good idea to send her an occasional, casual message...but the problem is a cold or indifferent response will cause you to further analyse and dissect her response (if any) thus taking you back to square one.

 

I just want to assure you that it will be well! If she isn't the one for you, someone else will replace her and reciprocate your unconditional love. Your ex even cheated on you...not to sound pious or anything but I don't think it's a valid excuse to cheat simply because my boyfriend is going through some issues (especially if he has tried to reassure me and make me feel better about his distance etc)

 

Personally, I feel you're too good and too mature for her level of immaturity. At 22, many women don't know what they actually want! Cliche but true...I just want to implore you to keep being strong and to also take it a day at a time, never worrying about what tomorrow brings because guess what? You're thinking so negatively imagining the worst BUT life may throw a pleasant surprise at you tomorrow :-)

 

Such is the beauty of life... Take it a day at a time. Take good care of yourself and remember that you've been nothing but loving, supportive, devoted and caring to this girl, you don't deserve to suffer and you musnt let grief overwhelm you! *hugs*

[Rap17]

Thanks so much for the reply, exactly what I needed to hear and what I think my brain has been trying to tell me as well. Sadly, the heart can disagree quite a bit.

 

Some developments though. Tonight I have gotten reason to believe shes on the rebound with a guy she had been discussing our relationship with, who also attends Uni and they attend the same classes. Basically what happened in july was that we were going to a concert, but I canceled going with her and her girlfriend because I was feeling ill. She went, and texted me me around 2 AM that she was on her way to my place, so I stayed up for her. An hour passed and I got worried, so I phoned her up and she took the phone, but noone answered. What happened was she meant to switch it off, but accidentally pushed the answer button, then placed it in her pocket. What followed was me listening in on a conversation for 15 mins, hearing things she wouldnt want me to hear.

 

She was crying and talking to this guy from Uni, who had made a pass at her earlier at a party. They were speaking about our relationship and how she wasnt happy, but that the problem wasnt me at all, but herself. (I was truly shocked to hear this, never saw it coming, shes good at keeping things to herself). Then this guy says something like "Maybe you arent with the right guy", and I quickly hung up. I was totally shocked and devastated. What the hell was going on?

 

Then she came to my door, I opened and she could see on my expression that I wasnt happy and I told her what I had heard. She slept at my place that night, but I totally distanced myself from her that night, and told her not to contact me until I had figured this out, cause I needed to think about it.

 

She wrote me a letter and sent me flowers, she was heartbroken. Then three days later I called her up and told her that I wanted to be with her, but that she couldnt talk about us to that guy, (I know what he wants), but she had to come to me with our problems or if that was difficult for her, then at least talk to one of her girlfriends about it, not some guy who might have a crush on her. She agreed of course, but looking back I think this is where she started to pull herself away a little.

 

I was so pissed at the guy but I didnt confront him. I did after she broke up with me, for my own self respect, cause I couldnt get it out of my head. To me, he had planted a seed in her mind, and I wanted him to know that I knew, so he would never do it again. Basically I felt he pissed on my territory and wanted him to know. I have always had a gut feeling about this guy, since they do a lot of work together at Uni and something just didnt feel right with him. He would never make eye contact with me, like he couldnt.

 

So, tonight a friend of mine tells me she has been texting with him, and he had suspicions theyve been having sleepovers after the breakup. Who knows if sex was involved, but definantly sleepovers. I now fully believe that the guy she had been cheating on me with is this guy, even though she said it was someone I didnt know. It just makes so much sense now, and I cant believe I didnt listen to my instincts.

 

I´m now certain hes the rebound guy, and has been putting himself in that position for a long time. God Im mad as hell! And worse of all, when I had the long talk with her after the breakup, I mentioned that I had spoken to him about what happened during the summer, and immediatly her expression went to a troubled state. I think theres definantly more to the story than I know now.

 

Goddamnit! I feel like such a fool! If this is the case, then she did the EXACT same thing when she left her former ex boyfriend. Difference was, I was her friend and didnt allow her to make passes at me while they were together, and actually I wasnt hitting on her at all.

 

Right now Im hearbroken beyond belief, but also I have some sense of control back. Doing this to me, sleeping with my worst enemy, thats not love. Thats vengeance, or something worse. I dont deserve this, and she doesnt deserve me. NC will be MUCH easier from now on, Im sure of it!

[Rap17]

just wanna add, After Ive found out about her Im feeling like a human T-Rex. God it feels good, relief! Sure, it still hurts but this was all I needed to know to regain my inner strength and self-confidence. To know that Im truly not guilty, that shes the one with huge emotional issues, and with little conscience.

 

Ive gone from feeling like an emotional wreck, to feeling like a man again! And just in the span of two hours!

 

Screw that ****! Time to heal and date again! Just wanted to share my joy with all you beautiful people

 

I now know what she meant when she said she wasnt good enough for me. She just lost all the power she had over me.

 

Thank you LS!

[forestofcheem]

been reading your story. be strong. trust me the best thing to do is keep busy and go nc. glad you're feeling better about it!

[Rap17]

been reading your story. be strong. trust me the best thing to do is keep busy and go nc. glad you're feeling better about it!

 

Thanks. Yeah it hurts like hell but now its clear that Ive been betrayed and lied to for months. Shes not the person I thought she was, and after having read about Borderline disorder and way shes made me feel during this breakup, she kinda fits the bill in many ways. Huge emotional issues, and now shes repeating the pattern she told me she was gonna change. What a huge joke.

 

Only regret is feeling Ive wasted 1½ years of my life, loving her unconditionally, and then she shows her true self. Still love her, but my love is better spent on someone who truly appreciates me, than someone who just throws me away like Im garbage, then makes me feel guilty about it.

[forestofcheem]

the way i see it is that it's not a waste if you learn something from it. at the other end you'll be a stronger person even if it really hurts right now

[Rap17]

the way i see it is that it's not a waste if you learn something from it. at the other end you'll be a stronger person even if it really hurts right now

 

Thanks for the encouragement, really appreciate it.

 

The hole in my chest is still there, I can feel it, but instead of just pain its been filled with pain and rage. Yeah sure, he can be "just" the rebound guy because she cant handle being alone, and trust me she would have had no problems seducing him. That a****** has been undermining me all the way. But ofc, shes the primary one to blame.

 

How can any human being be this cold? This is beyond cruel. Sure, throw me to the curb, I take you back. Throw me in the gutter, I forgive you. Run me over with your car, I fight for you. Run me over with a tank, I go into panic mode, fight for you, then give you what you want, space.

 

Now she dropped a goddamn nuclear bomb on top of me just to be sure theres only atoms left, and ofc its supposed to be secret.

 

Thing is, Im picking up whats left of me and now Im radioactive!

 

And worst of all, I still love her! But Ill never be able to trust her again, can never forgive her for this.

 

How can anyone be this way? I never hurt her, never yelled at her, never tried to make her change for me. I trusted her with all my heart and she completely obliterates me for it.

[JOYTOME]

Hey Rap17,

 

Anger (within reasonable boundaries of course) is actually a very good emotion to work with during a time like this... I'm also glad that you've realised that a lot of the problems lie with her, and not you...

 

Trust me, sometimes people unwittingly discard the people/things that really are the best for them and later on recognise this problem and harbour regretful thoughts and sentiments.

 

Sometimes your moods will alternate between different emotions...you might feel very weak and depressed tomorrow, and feel confident the day after and then get so angry when you're reflecting on everything you did for her and how effortlessly callous she was etc. But be assured that this is a normal part of the grieving process and with each day that passes know that you're getting better even though it may not be immediately apparent.

 

I've been through some terrible break ups...sometimes all the love, care, commitment and the likes isn't enough to sustain a relationship where one party has serious issue (whether its infidelity or esteem issues or an inability to commit). You did your best...the ball was in her court- it was totally beyond your control. I reiterate, you're too good for her. This may come across as harsh but some women deserve to be with arse holes who will batter them emotionally and treat them like crap. You says she was involved in a terrible relationship yet it seems she can't appreciate the opposite of what she claims she detested (ie a loving rship vs an abusive one)

 

Anyway please carry on with NC as difficult as it may be sometimes. She has lost out on a good thing, but you DEFINITELY haven't! You're in love with who you thought she was not who she IS. You're lucky that you got to see the true side to her after 1.5years of a rship and not 6years.

[andyohyeah]

been reading your guys thread and I wanted to say that you guys aren't really following the no contact rule very well. STAY AWAY from facebook. Its the worst part of a break up. Don't delete them just don't pull up their profile, take the high road. I know you might get drunk and think its a great idea... but have a buddy change your pw for a month or two... it can only help. when I always am going through a breakup I try to remind myself of my self-worth, there is always something better out there... it just sucks that you have to go through all this. good luck hope this helps!

[Rap17]

Hey Rap17,

 

Anger (within reasonable boundaries of course) is actually a very good emotion to work with during a time like this... I'm also glad that you've realised that a lot of the problems lie with her, and not you...

 

Trust me, sometimes people unwittingly discard the people/things that really are the best for them and later on recognise this problem and harbour regretful thoughts and sentiments.

 

Sometimes your moods will alternate between different emotions...you might feel very weak and depressed tomorrow, and feel confident the day after and then get so angry when you're reflecting on everything you did for her and how effortlessly callous she was etc. But be assured that this is a normal part of the grieving process and with each day that passes know that you're getting better even though it may not be immediately apparent.

 

I've been through some terrible break ups...sometimes all the love, care, commitment and the likes isn't enough to sustain a relationship where one party has serious issue (whether its infidelity or esteem issues or an inability to commit). You did your best...the ball was in her court- it was totally beyond your control. I reiterate, you're too good for her. This may come across as harsh but some women deserve to be with arse holes who will batter them emotionally and treat them like crap. You says she was involved in a terrible relationship yet it seems she can't appreciate the opposite of what she claims she detested (ie a loving rship vs an abusive one)

 

Anyway please carry on with NC as difficult as it may be sometimes. She has lost out on a good thing, but you DEFINITELY haven't! You're in love with who you thought she was not who she IS. You're lucky that you got to see the true side to her after 1.5years of a rship and not 6years.

 

 

Thank you so much mate. I know youre right and I know I have to think this way, and at the moment I feel like shes ruined my life. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant focus on much else than what has transpired and her together with the scumbag in her bed.

 

Ive reflected on whats happened the last 3-4 months regarding that guy, and Im beginning to see the signs, or red flags if you will, that I wasnt aware of before. Im beginning to suspect her of having secret relations with him for longer than I thought, there have definantly been situations that now seem odd and out of place. Im wondering how long hes been talking crap about me behind my back, to her. When I busted her the talking to him that late night during the summer, she came out and told me that she imagined that I was with other women when I was out playing concerts, (Im a musician). That she knew she was messed up, but that she still imagined those things. Trust me, I have never ever even considered doing anything remotely like that.

 

But you see, that definantly makes it obvious that shes had severe trust issues, and shes also been behaving jealous from time to time, with me just talking to, or mentioning other women she has percieved to be "better" or "superior" to her, because of her self esteem issues, (huge one).

 

So ofc, she didnt lie when she told me she didnt trust anyone, but in reality its herself she cant trust, its just projection, all of it. And with that goddamn guy talking to her when I didnt know, whispering stuff in her ear, who knows what he has said about me. But her not being trustful of me especially, (odd since I was her boyfriend and never gave her reason not to), she will probably have trusted him more than me.

 

Now Im sitting here, a helpless insomniac, realising that Ive been played for a fool for a long time. Manipulation, deceit, lies. Im told Im an intelligent guy, but in the end I never saw it coming. What hurts almost as much is that I was too blind to see it. A friend told me that he had been with my ex and the other guy at a party, during our relationship. The guy had gotten drunk and she had gotten mad at him. Supposedly he had yelled "Im gonna kick his f****** ass!" and then left. And my ex had gotten mad at him or something. And now I realise he was talking about me.

 

Im at loss, dont know what to say. If I made mistakes or behaved badly, I wouldnt have any problems saying it here on LS, and Im not in any sort of denial. Its like the two of them just agreed on making me a whole other person that I am. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

 

Its the 14th day of NC, two weeks and not feeling much better. The rage is still there, but has toned down a little, replaced by hopelessnes. Im beginning to understand that she will not contact me and break NC, perhaps she will never speak to me again, even if we attend the same Uni. Its horrifying, and despite all I still love her. Crazy isnt it?

 

Our mutual friend texted me that he had finally spoken with her tonight, so I will get the story tomorrow. The final verdict, got a bad feeling about it. Met up with the woman who wrote me on Facebook, after the breakup. The one I was seeing before my ex. We went to the artmuseum and had lunch together and talked a lot. Shes the same age as me, (34), and I told her the whole story, and also told her that I was suspecting my ex for having borderline personality disorder. When I had explained the whole thing she looked at me in astonishment and said that it sounded just like herself, especially in her younger days. And gotta admit, if my ex has the symptoms, I would not in any way be surprised that this woman has had it full blown, cause she fits the bill PERFECTLY!

 

Right there she then confessed to me that she was convinced Im her soulmate!? She appologized for the way she treated me back then, was a FWB relationship that lasted for a couple of months. But it was alright, and she isnt out to get me back or anything. Shes in a good relationship with another guy, and even though she felt I was her soulmate, she also felt that you didnt need to be lovers to connect that way. Just be friends, and well, I thought it was a nice gesture. I like talking to her, I harbor no feelings whatsoever for her, and even though shes very attractive, I have no desire to be with her at all. It was all very honest and funny how life treats you sometimes. Had some closure after two years with this one.

 

So, that brightened my day a bit, but still, this is going to be a long healing process. Im beginning to understand that I am attracting women with either BPD or related issues, and I know I have the "knight in shining armor to the rescue" complex. I dont think I can change that, but I predict Im going to be more weary of women in the future.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Rap17]

been reading your guys thread and I wanted to say that you guys aren't really following the no contact rule very well. STAY AWAY from facebook. Its the worst part of a break up. Don't delete them just don't pull up their profile, take the high road. I know you might get drunk and think its a great idea... but have a buddy change your pw for a month or two... it can only help. when I always am going through a breakup I try to remind myself of my self-worth, there is always something better out there... it just sucks that you have to go through all this. good luck hope this helps!

 

Yeah thanks mate, but its really really hard, especially when youre alone at the laptop, on these silent nights. Im getting a bit better at it, but shes only a click away. And I cant bring myself to block or delete her. Remember, she doesnt know that I know shes banging that guy, I dont think anyone is really supposed to know, so I have to act like Im clueless. She is definantly aware though, that if I ever should find out Ill kick her out of my life forever. So Im waiting for her to either make a misstep, or make it official. Then Ill remove her from FB forever.

 

Also, the point where we talked about meeting up again, (she couldnt promise anything), is in two weeks time. Im keeping NC and will see if she contacts me, wondering why Im not setting up that meeting at that point. If she doesnt, Ill gladly delete her and shell get the message. If she does, Im gonna bury her, then delete her. She doesnt know that I know about him and her, so she thinks shes in control of me now. I just want the small satisfaction of knowing that she will begin to wonder why shes losing that control. Im not usually a vengeful or mean spirited guy, this is just something I need to do for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

At this point, you should be trying to get out a bit more and find something a little more positive to focus on. If you are alone a lot with the old laptop, you are going to end up on her profile.