Am I doing the right thing?

[Rap17]

At this point, you should be trying to get out a bit more and find something a little more positive to focus on. If you are alone a lot with the old laptop, you are going to end up on her profile.

 

Yeah I know, and Im really trying. My friends are quite busy but I do manage to talk or meet up with one nearly every single day. Its weekend though, and I have no plans which make it very hard. Its like everything is gray and meaningless without her. Ive tried watching a movie, reading, TV etc., but I just flat out lose focus after 20-30 mins. I cant find enjoyment in anything at the moment, not even small hobbies that I liked to pass time with when we were together.

 

I talked to our mutual friend today. He had been talking to her at Uni yesterday, in the bar, and it seems shes still very sad and still putting up a facade. Told him the same stuff she told me, she wants to be alone, hasnt seen anyone else or been with anyone else after she broke up with me, dont know if in time she will come crawling back to me etc, that she needs therapy. One thing though, she told him that there was one issue she had never told me or her family about, and my friend told me she went distant in her eyes when she said it. Seems like theres something from the past that she have never let out, like shes experienced something horrible, Im fearing abuse of some kind. I once had a girlfriend who had been raped, and she told me everything that happened, hope its not the case here.

 

I told him that I had found it that shes sleeping at another guys place at the moment and he was really surprised and sympathetic with me. Told me I need to move on and that shes feeling how Im feeling. Keeping her self busy all the time, partying etc, so she doesnt sit at home alone, then it all comes back to her mind. So, the ******* shes seeing definantly seems like hes a rebound/escape object. She also told my friend that she has never felt as strongly for anyone as she did for me, and even though shes not in love with me anymore, she still cares deeply and have feelings for me.

 

I cant believe myself. After all this, I still wanna reach out and help her through this. Shes an emotional mess and I so want to reach out and tell her its going to be alright, that Im there for her sigh. I guess NC is the best thing, but it just seems so wrong, also the fact that everything Ill do will make things worse. It just doesnt make any sense in my ind.

[Rap17]

Update.

 

Been talking to a mutual friend whos also a former drug addict, (also at Uni, been clean for a year), and a very good friend of mine who also works with psychiatric patients. Theyve been there for me through all of this, and from their own experience with her and their past, and from what Ive told them about the relationship, they confirmed me in my suspicions that she might have a mild manner of Borderline Personality Disorder. Ive been reading a ton on the subject for the past week, and although Im not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination, there are so many similarities to the situation.

 

The realisation of this made me break down and cry. Despite everything thats happened, I feel so sorry for her. I truly do. Its not her fault, shes just had a rough upbringing. It still doesnt take away the angry feelings of betrayal and rejection that I have because of her behaviour, but I care so deeply for her, and knowing I can do nothing to help her is heartbreaking in itself. Its possible that she now sees me in a negative light because of fear of abandonment, and thinks that I let her down, but I also know now that Ive done nothing wrong. This relationship was doomed from the beginning, the moment I "slipped", meaning whenever I did something she would percieve as me letting her down, a downward spiral would occur that spelled the death of the relationship.

 

Good thing is, even though shes been projecting a lot of the guilt on me, she knows deep down that its a lie. Thats why shes begun to realise she needs to see a therapist and that theres something broken inside her, but I fear she will run from the problem instead of facing it, I know her. Thats could be why shes sleeping with the other guy, partying all the time etc. She told my friend that being alone with her thoughts hurt too much so she kept busy, so she wouldnt have to face the guilt and hurt. So at least I can find peace in the fact that Ive somehow made her come to the realisation that she hurt someone who didnt deserve it, just by being the boyfriend I was. Guess, somehow, I indirectly helped her after all, even though I still wound up being a victim in all of this.

 

Perhaps she wont resent me long term then, I can always hope. My good friend made me realise something important. When she has treated me like this, and Im the victim of it, then why am I the one sitting in doors, shattered emotionally and trying to stay out of sight? And why is she the one partying, having fun and trying to act like nothing is wrong?

 

The roles have been completely reversed. In reality, she should be in MY position, and I should be in hers. Im thankful he made me realise this, because suddenly it all made sense, in a split second I began looking forward instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Everyone here that responded to my posts, you are completely right. The best thing is to let go, ignore the pain if she sees me and act like Im cool with it, then let it out when Im out of her sight. Time to become strong and confident again and then who knows, if she seeks out professional help then perhaps she will come to me again in the future, realising the mistake she made.

 

Its out of my hands now, and only she can change herself, I truly hope she decides to do this, for her own sake. I will probably always love this woman, but I have to look out for myself now.

[bl22]

Hey Rap

 

I am going threough the EXACT same thing as you here. Except Im a month and half into no contact. I was in your position at 2 weeks NC and its just horrible.

 

Best advice i can give besides going NC is start going to the gym. Preferably with a friend or relative. Start working on yourself, and treating yourself with respect, eat right. Dont go down the other route.

 

Think of it this way, she will never in a milion years want to be with a depressed guy who can barely even get out of bed nvm do anything themselves....and neither will anyone else.

Work on being the best possible you, treat yourself buy new clothes, work on some new music (im a musician also) and the gym is the best helper, i know exactly how your feeling here. I stil have my bad days but its getting better and i know in time she (and yours) will REGRET doing this. But not if you become a depressed guy who doesnt eat properly cause nobdoy wants that.

[Rap17]

Hey Rap

 

I am going threough the EXACT same thing as you here. Except Im a month and half into no contact. I was in your position at 2 weeks NC and its just horrible.

 

Best advice i can give besides going NC is start going to the gym. Preferably with a friend or relative. Start working on yourself, and treating yourself with respect, eat right. Dont go down the other route.

 

Think of it this way, she will never in a milion years want to be with a depressed guy who can barely even get out of bed nvm do anything themselves....and neither will anyone else.

Work on being the best possible you, treat yourself buy new clothes, work on some new music (im a musician also) and the gym is the best helper, i know exactly how your feeling here. I stil have my bad days but its getting better and i know in time she (and yours) will REGRET doing this. But not if you become a depressed guy who doesnt eat properly cause nobdoy wants that.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, and yeah Ive begun doing some of the things you suggested. Started swimming again once or twice a week in the morning. Usually swim a couple of kilometers and under water its very peaceful and its like you clear your mind and think more rationally, while working out at the same time. Also begun buying new clothes and been going to the practice room once or twice, just to get some aggression out through music, (Im a drummer).

 

Bl22, did your ex show signs of BPD as well?

[bl22]

Yeah she did, about 2 weeks before we broke up she went to see a doctor about possible bipolar, at the time i was a little confused cause she never shown any signs of it around me, when we was together we had fun, she'd have moods but nothing i considered bipolar just regular stuff.

 

Unfortunately, I tried to help her and she didnt listen, just listened to her 'friend' ...the person she left me for. god knows what he was saying to her.

 

I just hope their relationship, whatever itis, breaks down fast because it was started through deceit and betrayal and she knows that and so does he.

[Rap17]

Yeah she did, about 2 weeks before we broke up she went to see a doctor about possible bipolar, at the time i was a little confused cause she never shown any signs of it around me, when we was together we had fun, she'd have moods but nothing i considered bipolar just regular stuff.

 

Unfortunately, I tried to help her and she didnt listen, just listened to her 'friend' ...the person she left me for. god knows what he was saying to her.

 

I just hope their relationship, whatever itis, breaks down fast because it was started through deceit and betrayal and she knows that and so does he.

 

I see, but yeah we shouldnt worry about it too much, even though it causes pain like nothing else. Think of it this way. While shes out having a blast and with the new guy shes doing the exact thing thats not gonna fix her issues. Its a way to cope, probably because she cant handle the pain, just like my ex, so she runs from it. The guy whos with my ex probably has said all sorts of crap about me, just to win her over. You know the old saying "In love and war...". Funny thing though is that I would NEVER try and win another guys girlfriend over to my side, my morals simply forbid it. Ive had those opportunities more than once, and I always turn it down. Last time was with my ex actually, and I never even looked at her in a romantic way until she decided that her relationship had to end. Even then, it took her weeks just to make me look her way as more than a friend, and still it was probably too soon anyway.

 

Rebound guys waiting in the shadows, striking during a relationship when youre unaware, thats bad. In my case, the rebound guy KNEW me and pretended like there was nothing going on, THOSE guys I truly loathe with all my heart. It was only through friends that I learned of him making passes at her etc.

 

Trust me mate, (and this has proven to be true all my life), Karma´s a bitch, and it ALWAYS comes back to bite them in the ass later.

[Rap17]

Day 15 of NC.

 

Started out rough and I still dont sleep very well. Her words keep going through my mind, her telling our mutual friend this friday that she hadnt been with anyone since she broke up, and me knowing that she has been sleeping at the other guys place.

 

If only we didnt go to the same Uni. I know Ill probably see her tomorrow, wearing her happy facade, and knowing the fact that she is acting it out.

 

Tomorrow is gonna be my first day of "playing it cool", like Im doing fine. I still question how it could come to this, and I miss her a lot.

 

I wonder how long this pain will last, if shes thinking of me, if she misses me. I hear that many LS´ers who go NC usually gets a message or a phonecall within a months time. Its only been two weeks for me, but already I have this sneaking suspicion that I wont hear from her at all. Its gonna be some rough holidays, I hope I can cope.

[SeriousBob12]

Hey Rap, read through your posts and hang in there dude!

 

Trust me, you'll make it through this it seems like there is no hope in sight but with each day that passes you will get stronger.

 

Just be warned it will probably take a few weeks, if not months.

 

But you HAVE TO STOP CHECKING HER FACEBOOK! FB is the most dangerous thing, post breakup. Delete her right now, untag photos you're in, and block her. She has to be non-existent to you on fb, TRUST ME.

 

My ex and I broke up in the summer, and after about 4 months of NC she just recently sent me a msg on fb. That msg reopened a chapter that I thought was pretty much closed and for the following week I felt pretty down. Thankfully it's passing, but even that one pointless msg made me start to think of her, and us, and how much I enjoyed us etc...I put FB up there with running into them at the bummer scale. Stop subjecting yourself to such agony!!!!

 

Anything you find on it will just be dangerous. I remember before I deleted my ex, I saw this guy posting on her wall a lot and they were engaging in passively flirty chats through the comments you can leave...Instantly red flags started going off, but I tried to excuse them for ex-bf paranoia and said to myself "it hasn't been a month yet, no way"

Well that same guy, ended up being her new and current bf...Does knowing this make me feel better? Nope not at all, in fact I should have NEVER creeped her profile post breakup and just let it be. Ignorance is bliss my friend, and ignorance begins right after "we're over" anything else after that you don't need to know. Do realize that about 99% of anything you find out through fb or your mutual friends is going to be irrelevant or hurtful. Who cares if she is hurting, what matters more is that you are. Who cares if she hasn't been with anyone for now....it's only a matter of time until she is with someone, and then what happens when you find that out? Like I said you have about a 1% chance that what you do find out will be good.

 

Stop talking to friends about her, stop the facebooking and everything else. She's a part of your life that is no more. I'm telling you this because you're just setting yourself up for more hurt down the road.

 

I really feel for you man, it's a hard thing to get through but you have to start looking at it objectively. It's over for now and probably for a while/ever. It's only a matter of time before you find out something you don't want to know. She's going to either start banging some dude, or dating someone. Either way, you'll be devestated when you find this out. The best thing you can do is prepare for it, since it's inevitable.

 

You may be only so fortunate to be over her or have someone else in your life when this happens, or you won't be. My ex was able to dump me coldly, leave me hanging, and then get with a new guy just over a month later (that she's still with). Trust me bro, when I got that call from a mutual friend informing me of the news, it felt like what marginal progress I made in that months time was for nothing. I felt like I was dumped all over again. Thus the sleepless nights, the crying, the hearing her voice in my head, betrayal, remembering how awesome her boobs looked (lol), etc...etc...only got WORSE! That's when I started to do NC the right way. None of this waiting for an email or creeping her fb profile or any of that, and excusing it with "well we're not having direct contact!!"

 

Aside from the msg I got 2 weeks ago, I hadn't looked at her fb profile in months, and had NC with her at all. Now it sucks you two go to the same uni and have classes together, but you have got to start looking at her as just another person (as hard as it is).

 

I know the situation you're in now sucks, but if you aren't smart about it trust me it can actually get much worse. What you're going through right now will pale in comparison to how much worse it can get...Trust me dude don't let yourself venture into that territory.

 

Hang in there dude!

[ocatherine]

Hang in there dude!

 

One of the few threads that I read in it's entirety. Personally, I found him as an inspiration and was disappointed on the days in which he obviously was having a very difficult time and was desperate (looking for support and no one responded)... made me wish that I had been here for him (although who would want to be in a position that brought us all here). Anyway, like a good book or your favorite series on TV, can't wait to hear how he is doing.

[Rap17]

Theres true wisdom in your words my friend, and I know youre absolutely right. FB is an absolute atrocity at this point in time, I simply cant stop login in from time to time to see if shes been online, (Is she there now? Ah, her being there after 9 PM she just got home from work, she didnt come online last night? Where was she? Out partying with that other guy? etc. etc). Its insanely painful and borderline obsessive, but I need to see this through. I know, Im probably delluding myself, but after telling several of my friends that she need to be alone at the moment, but might come crawling back to me in the future when shes figured her issues out, since she still cares a lot for me and never felt so strongly about anyone, Im put in a position where my hope, (dumb, I know), is still alive.

 

Even though its painful, Im gonna stick to my plan. We had a loose deadline, about us (maybe) meeting up a month or so after NC and talking about things again. I have a strong feeling that she hasnt forgotten that, and that she might be counting on me to break the silence in less than two weeks when the time is up. Well, Im not going to. She told my friend shes out doing stuff all the time because when shes alone she feels the pain and thinks about what shes done to me. I want to see how stubborn she is, because her silence will tell me all I will need to know about her feelings toward me.

 

If I havent heard from her by then, Im going to delete her from FB, and then she can feel free to wonder what happened and why I didnt call her up like I talked about. Its time for her to chase me if she ever regrets her decision, but I need to be a man of my word and wait it out, cause then she cant place guilt on me for being a dealbreaker. She has shown signs that she wants justification for dumping me, but I wont let her have that.

 

I think I can survive another 13 days. For her its "tick tock tick tock..."

[Rap17]

One of the few threads that I read in it's entirety. Personally, I found him as an inspiration and was disappointed on the days in which he obviously was having a very difficult time and was desperate (looking for support and no one responded)... made me wish that I had been here for him (although who would want to be in a position that brought us all here). Anyway, like a good book or your favorite series on TV, can't wait to hear how he is doing.

 

Thank you ocatherine, means a lot to me

 

I will keep updating this thread through the process of NC, and Im thankful to anyone here who follows my posts. Its nice to know that people genuinly has an interest in my situation, and this place is full of truly wonderful and caring people. Its become some kind of therapy for me to be honest

[Rap17]

Day 16 of NC.

 

Today has been a strange day. I failed to get out of bed this morning and go to Uni. I couldnt fall asleep last night and ended up with only 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up, so I simply slept in. Been thinking about things a lot today, and I realise that my fear of seeing my ex, (though still there a little bit), has been replaced by the fear of meeting the guy shes sleeping with. Noone knows about her seeing him except myself and a couple of friends, its all a big secret. Seeing him, it will only be obvious to me and not many else, and Im not sure I can keep my cool if hes in the vicinity. I know, its about her. But hes the guy that has undermined my relationship. I even tried to tell her several times during our relationship that he was out to win her over and that I had a problem with her hanging out with him during meetings at Uni, parties etc. She always brushed it off with "Cmon, hes just that guy. Just work related friends, nothing else".

 

But in my gut I knew, somehow I always knew, hard to explain. Well, he succeeded, and its tearing me apart.

 

Tonight I went with a friend to another guys house where we watched UFC together, just five guys watching martial arts and having a laugh. Been a while since I had my laust laugh, practically cant remember anymore. Felt good, just guys hanging out, drinking coffee and commenting on the matches while telling jokes. Made me feel a little bit better, although from time to time she popped into my thoughts. The pain is now primarily focused on the thought of them being together, and the fact that she betrayed my trust so visciously. Im also quite sure shes trying to keep her time with him a secret, cause a lot of people at Uni will look down on her if it is revealed at this time. Several people there knows how Ive felt about him, and if she reveals it, it will show how heartless shes been. Makes me see how selfish shes been, how unworthy she is of me. I wish I was able to just stop having feelings for her, cause she truly doesnt deserve neither the emotional investment, nor the attention.

 

One thing keeps coming back to me, that she told me several times and she told my friend this friday, after she told him she had never felt as strongly for anyone as she did towards me. One single line that keeps popping into my head.

 

"After some time by myself I might come crawling back to you/him, or I might not"

 

I need some perspective on this, I really do. Because I cant figure out what it means, why would she say that, instead of just telling him that we would never be together again? Can anyone decipher this for me? Im probably not being rational, but its haunting me, every day, every waking hour.

 

Could she be confused? In doubt? Trying to let me hang as an option? Trying to look better in peoples eyes?

 

Some perspective would be most welcome. Thank you.

[SeriousBob12]

Hey Rap, glad to hear you're still kicking the NC.

 

The "other guy" is an awful, awful, AWFUL thought to deal with.

I had the unfortunate experience of pouring my heart out to my ex and really grasping at ANYTHING to salvage us. I really thought it might work...She left me hanging and I found out a week later she was dating someone else.

 

The thought of them being together and doing it just ate away at me for a few months. Heck it still bugs me a bit...

 

A huge step in helping me move forward (and trust me I'm not completely there) was accepting what someone mentioned earlier...I didn't truly like her, I liked who I thought she was.

 

You can't play the "what she said" card, you'll just put your mind in a whirlwind of confusion.

 

3 weeks before my ex dumped me, her mother and kid sister came in from out of state for her birthday in which we all went out to dinner to celebrate. It was my first time meeting them and to add to my already charming personality I had bought both mom and the sister gifts. I really wanted to make a great impression, since I knew it was important to her. The dinner went great, and I couldn't wait to see them again (little did I know I never would get that chance). Afterward she told me "I hope you realize how important you are to have met them...It's one thing to meet my mom, but to meet my sister you have to be really be special to me, it really says a lot." I was flattered, as none of her other exes aside from one she was with for years, had gotten such a privilege...

 

2 weeks before we broke up, we were at her house laying on her bed just making out. It was that time of the month so no sex, just cuddling and enjoying each others company. I looked at her and said "It's too early for the L word, but I hope it's okay to say I'm totally falling for you." She looked me in the eyes and said "It's okay to say that because it's happening to me with you, and more" in which she passionately kissed me.

We then got in a flirtatious quarrel with pinching and tickling on who liked the other more....she always swore that there was no way I could like her as much as she was into me...

 

2 weeks later she dumped me. A month after that she had a new guy...

 

Like you, those moments just kept playing through in my head. She must care! She said that stuff! I have to be important! etc...etc...

 

Bro, don't do that to yourself man, try your hardest not to dwell on that. Try your hardest to look at the present and go with it. If she said it, so be it but it's one thing to let words speak and another to let actions. If anything to say she might come crawling back or might not, already would be enough for me. If she wants to be with you, she should be 100% sold on the idea. Clearly with a statement like that she's having doubts...Those are her issues, not yours.

 

Stay strong dude, we're here for you. You're doing a remarkable job and really strike me as a fantastic person. All this BS aside you will come out ahead, just make sure you stay true to yourself my friend.

[Rap17]

SeriousBob12: Words cannot express how much I appreciate your comments in here mate, every time it feels like a bandaid to my shattered ego, reading your replies. Thank you so much.

 

Yeah I know, if shes comitted to get me back her actions will reflect it. Its just so confusing to me, and on top of that she still has some stuff at my place. I made her aware of that fact when she broke up with me, but she hasnt reacted on it at all. Hasnt been by to collect the stuff. Sure, its not like she has a wardrobe here, theres some perfume, a straightning iron and minor other stuff.

 

I have boxed up all her stuff so its out of sight, and Im glad I did. Im still reminded of her constantly, but with those things out of the way its less painful. I even put away the letters she has written me, cute messages etc. I always kept those because they felt good to read, her telling me how much she loved me and that I meant the world to her. Before she broke up with me she discovered that I kept them, and I wasnt trying to hide them at all. Didnt mind that she knew how much I appreciated her words and feelings.

 

To me, its the feeling of her not being able to let go completely, what her words also imply to me. But maybe Im in denial, maybe Im trying to rationalise it all. Its the confusion of her telling me how great I am, (even during the breakup), and then at the same time discarding me for someone else, without my knowledge.

 

Is she trying to make it easy on her own suffering by being FWB with someone else?, (an easy victim, albeit still an a******). Is she not contacting me at all because she doesnt care about me like she said she did? Its all the contradictions that keep spinning in my mind. One moment Im calm and collected and accepting the whole mess, the next Im questioning everything, trying to make sense of it all and doubting myself and her words.

 

Its ironic really, because her words describing me as being the greatest boyfriend she ever had etc, those are the exact words that make me doubt that I ever was. I know this probably stems from my own self esteem issues, but going through this breakup process, I also know that its unavoidable that my self esteem takes a huge blow to the head.

 

Then theres the whole NC thing. In the past, her ex, (the guy before me, they were together for four years), got depressed after she broke up with him and he moved to a different city, far away from her. As far as she told me, she never really contacted him again, although I think she kept tabs on him a little bit cause she did mention something about him having a new girlfriend at some point. Im guessing she was checking his status on FB or something. From what she told me, he was a bit of a loser, not giving her enough attention etc. I know she has abandonment issues like I wrote in an earlier post, with her mom being a chronic gambler, and her feeling guilt for moving away from her mom, and a sense of not being a good enough daughter because her mom couldnt seem to overcome her illness for her. She told me time and again that her om would sometimes contact her through FB and other online places, but that she would ignore it and not respond, since shes in contact with her moms sister, and she told her that she was still sick. She always said she wouldnt make contact with her mom until she wasnt sick anymore.

 

Something dreadful must have happened back then, relating to her mother. The night she broke up with me she told me in tears that I wouldnt understand, that only her ex understood, since he witnessed something happen at that time. She wouldnt tell me what, (kinda like I didnt have that priveledge anymore), but obviously it wasnt pleasant. Sometimes at night she would break down crying in bed, and I would ask her if it was related to her mom and her past, and she would confirm this but never really told me any specifics. I would hold her, tell her that it wasnt her fault that her mom was sick, and that I knew she was strong enough to beat this and that I would help her through it.

 

She always seemed to calm down after this, being thankful that I was there for her, and that everything was going to be ok. When these things happened I would tell her that she could always come to me and talk about it and I would listen and support her. Looking back, I can see she did bring it up superficiall a couple of times, but she never opened up fully. I think it has to do with her trust issues, confirmed to me when she told me during the breakup that she didnt trust anyone but herself.

 

So, regarding me and the NC. I fear that she will treat me as she did with her mom and her ex. Run away from me, not contact me at all, and see me as yet another person who abandoned her and let her down. See how it makes sense with the new guy? Hes been pursuing her, and now hes the object of her affection. During our talk apx 2½ weeks ago, she told me that she was tired of being dependant on men, that she needed to be herself and not in a relationship, and what does she do? Secretly, goes to the new guy who was ready to jump into the fray in a moments notice.

 

Aandonment issues, trust issues, imagining me seeing other women even though she knew I wasnt, acting on impulse by cheating, telling me when guys would hit on her at parties, no self esteem - a bit overweight, and she has a skin condition, (psoriasis on her arms and legs), but these things were never a problem for me at all. Shes a very beautiful woman and during our relationship she has lost 12 pounds of weight, she told me she only needed to lose 12 more pounds to reach the "optimal" weight compared to her height, so she was definantly trying to improve her self esteem issues. Also, she has always gotten many compliments on her eyes, theyre truly beautiful. In the last few months she started using contact lenses with different colors. She told me during our talk that she was sick of people focusing on her eyes and not on her other features, and I told her that using contact lenses would have the opposite effect, since it would draw attention to her eyes instead of the opposite. Since then I havent seen her using the lenses at all.

 

Add also the fact of her being jealous when I was speaking to other women at parties, (no I didnt flirt at all, made no attempt to hide the fact that I was in a happy relationship), and that she would sometimes bring up the subject of the woman I was seeing before I met her, kinda like she felt threatened by her. She even did this during our talk those few weeks ago.

 

Another thing that comes to mind was how she handled stress. She could suddenly hastily leave the room when we worked in group projects, being angry like a child, then starting to cry about it when I was alone with her after. I just comforted her, in my own mind shrugging it off as an emotional response due to the stress, but looking back her behaviour was a little, well, out of place somehow.

 

Many memories has begun to pop up in my mind, little things she said, her telling me she loved me, litteraly weeks into our relationship. It all seems a little desperate. Especially the self esteem thing, thinking of how much energy I spent on reassuring her that she was beautiful, that I loved her, that she was my world. It was never quite enough, and she seemed to always crave more attention than I could possibly give. That was one of the things I felt guilty about when she broke up with me. Didnt I give her enough attention? Didnt I make her feel valued enough? Well, my answer today is, yes I did.

 

A friend of mine pointed out a very important fact, made me see things in a different light. He told me to look at her FB page and pay attention to how many profile pictures she has posted, of her looking her best, posing for the camera and looking absolutely georgous. I mean, she has perhaps close to a hundred of those pics, and always made sure she was only tagged in pictures where she looks great. He told me that he could tell that she was insecure, due to the fact that he used to do this kind of thing himself when he felt the same in the past. When I discovered this I was like "What the hell!?"

 

So you see, the NC to me feels like Im agreeing with her that she made the right decision by dumping me. It feels like she wants me to do this, to not contact her and "dissapear" from her life, because thats what the others did in her mind. And thats where its important to me that she now senses something is wrong with her, because I truly believe that she has doubts about seeing me in that light, because Im not like that. Its like she woke up from a slumber and can sense somethings "off". But more than likely, she will just continue running away from people who "abandons" her, like jumping into the fray with the new guy.

 

See, she cannot handle being alone or independant no matter what she says she wants, she needs the attention. When I was with her and I was stressed out, I lost a lot of my sexual drive. There could be breaks in our sex life because I simply didnt have the energy. She would start crying, telling me that she needed the sex, cause it made her feel like she was appreciated, like sex was a tool to confirmate that she was worth something. In these instances I would explain to her that I just needed to get my energy back, that I truly loved her, but that it was wrong of me to have sex with her all the time if I didnt have the urge, cause then I would just be doing it for her sake, not my own, (if that makes any sense).

 

Its funny, cause when I got better my sex drive returned and our sexlife went back to normal, then soon after she dumped me.

 

So, what Im getting at besides just ranting is that NC feels like a curse to me. It feels like Im proving to her that I wasnt "better" than the others, that shes justified in her decision. I know NC is for me, and I do view it as a self help tool now, but ofc the hope is still there. Im determined to keep it this way, and I can in no way make contact until/if she decides to contact me first, and should that happen Im not even sure if Ill respond, or if I do, how my response should be.

 

Youre all right. She made the decision to dump me, I cant convince her otherwise, its up to her now. But NC feels like Im digging my own grave, agreeing with her that shes justified in the breakup, that Im just like all the "others", confirming to her what she said during our talk, that "all men are *******s", that they only want one thing, even though she said I was different. I guess by this time she would start to miss me if she still has feelings for me like she claims, but I have no idea. Its been 17 days of NC now.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Rap17

[Rap17]

Oh ****, just went on Facebook and she was online and wrote me in the chat window:

 

"Hi xxxxxx. Been a long time since I saw you so havent had the opportunity to say hi and ask you how you are doing... thinking of you, and Im worried about you. Someone told me you havent been to Uni much..."

 

I didnt respond, just left it there. Holy crap, dont know what to do about this. Help needed.

 

She has plenty of opportunity to say hi, she has my phonenumber and knows where I live. Im not caving into this FB BS.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Rap17

[Rap17]

Aaaand she logged off after having waited for 10 mins.

 

Omg that was intense. Feels like I had my first victory here...

 

What do you think, was I wrong in not responding to her?

[coltsfan1]

you made the RIGHT decision!! do not speak to her, you don't have to be rude, just don't be nice either.. She was fishing for a response, she has reached out to you but in a weak way.. Now you need to go to school and be a man, no woman wants to be with a mope.. Get your swagger back and you will atract other females or maybe even her.. Becareful if she comes back quickly, a person can't change over night!!

[SeriousBob12]

Hey man, glad to help dude! I went through all this back in the summer and if it wasn't for advice from friends and posts I read here, I probably would have gone insane. I realized then that if i could help others with their problems I would.

 

She has given you a lot of information dude. I swear our ex's are very similar.

Mine had told me about ex-bf's of hers that she just forgot about. Once she dumped them (there had only been 2) it was see ya later. I used to joke with her that she was a heartbreaker and I better watch out....how right I was lol.

 

If she chooses to "forget" you that isn't your fault. That's something she chose to do, she might say it was you that abandoned her but that is a flat out lie. Think of all you've done for this girl! Think of how known you've made your feelings! Think of how much respect you've shown her! Think of the times you were there and supported her! Even now you haven't freaked on her or tried to make her feel low. You've handled yourself quite well, and much better than most do.

For her to abandon you would be just following what she has done in the past (and has told you about), and unfortunately would just be following out her personality type.

 

This is not something you should blame on yourself at all. You're worried about her because you care a lot about her, which shows a lot of the kind person you are. Down the road when you start to get over her and the relationship I'm sure you'll think back to all that you did for her, and realize that it wasn't you that abandoned her at all. You were the one that made the effort! if she wants to look at your NC period in which SHE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE as abandonment well that's a pretty obscure thinking on her behalf.

 

If she forgets about you, how do you know making an effort would change anything? You have to remind yourself that she ended it with you. It could be even worse if you try to get back into her life and she shoots you down, think of how awful you will feel!

 

You have to start putting yourself first dude. She made her choice, it shouldn't be up to you to feel the burden or consequence of leaving her in the dust, because of it.

 

Do you know for sure that she's secretly with this other guy, or is it speculation still?

[Rap17]

you made the RIGHT decision!! do not speak to her, you don't have to be rude, just don't be nice either.. She was fishing for a response, she has reached out to you but in a weak way.. Now you need to go to school and be a man, no woman wants to be with a mope.. Get your swagger back and you will atract other females or maybe even her.. Becareful if she comes back quickly, a person can't change over night!!

 

Thanks man, I really needed the assurance. After not responding and her login off, I felt so much in control, for the first time in months. It was like I kept my dignity and self respect by not writing her back. I know it will only be temporary, but damn that felt good! Funny thing is, I have been to Uni most days, but remember, I have done my best to avoid her. So yeah, I skipped a couple of classes because I didnt get any sleep, but I have been attending most of them. Shes not aware that Ive been dodging her at all.

[Rap17]

Hey man, glad to help dude! I went through all this back in the summer and if it wasn't for advice from friends and posts I read here, I probably would have gone insane. I realized then that if i could help others with their problems I would.

 

She has given you a lot of information dude. I swear our ex's are very similar.

Mine had told me about ex-bf's of hers that she just forgot about. Once she dumped them (there had only been 2) it was see ya later. I used to joke with her that she was a heartbreaker and I better watch out....how right I was lol.

 

If she chooses to "forget" you that isn't your fault. That's something she chose to do, she might say it was you that abandoned her but that is a flat out lie. Think of all you've done for this girl! Think of how known you've made your feelings! Think of how much respect you've shown her! Think of the times you were there and supported her! Even now you haven't freaked on her or tried to make her feel low. You've handled yourself quite well, and much better than most do.

For her to abandon you would be just following what she has done in the past (and has told you about), and unfortunately would just be following out her personality type.

 

This is not something you should blame on yourself at all. You're worried about her because you care a lot about her, which shows a lot of the kind person you are. Down the road when you start to get over her and the relationship I'm sure you'll think back to all that you did for her, and realize that it wasn't you that abandoned her at all. You were the one that made the effort! if she wants to look at your NC period in which SHE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE as abandonment well that's a pretty obscure thinking on her behalf.

 

If she forgets about you, how do you know making an effort would change anything? You have to remind yourself that she ended it with you. It could be even worse if you try to get back into her life and she shoots you down, think of how awful you will feel!

 

You have to start putting yourself first dude. She made her choice, it shouldn't be up to you to feel the burden or consequence of leaving her in the dust, because of it.

 

Do you know for sure that she's secretly with this other guy, or is it speculation still?

 

 

Yeah youre right Bob, why should I be the one carrying the burden. I dont have any hard evidence that shes with the guy but she told my friend this friday she hasnt been with or seen anyone else since the breakup, but last week another friend of mine discovered her chatting with the other guy, on msn, via texts or whatever. She was telling him that she had the "sleepover shakes" or something to that extent. He had told her that it might be too late at night to come around, then she had replied that she was sad cause now she had to spend another night alone. Then he obliged her and told her to come by to sleep at his place. From what Ive told they were using a lot of smileys and crap as well. Remember, this happened before friday, so Im certain shes been lying her teeth off. And also, this is the guy whos been pursuing her ever since they met, and whom I found out she was talking to in secret this summer, and later as well. If you read my earlier posts you might remember that I actually HEARD them talking about our relationship, and he was talking crap about me.

 

So no, I cant be certain that she slept with him, but my gut and all signs point to the fact that they have indeed done so. Hes always where she is, same parties, same gatherings etc etc. All the red flags are showing.

 

Btw, what do you think of her contacting me? Did I do the right thing and ignore it?

[SeriousBob12]

As Colt said, she just wanted a response. Of all the mediums of communication she chose FB? LAME.

 

My two cents?

 

She's a bit ashamed. She most likely knows that you know something is going on, and she chose the lease confrontational method of getting in touch with you...FB. Text on a screen is good mask, no voice and you have time to think and plan your responses. You can also just close it at any time. She probably wanted the assurance that you aren't mad or upset so that she doesn't feel bad. I won't lie dude, I haven't bought for one second that she's nearly as upset or down about the breakup as people have told you. It just doesn't strike me as logical. She constantly switches from upset about you, to spending nights at this dudes house and going to parties/bars with him? Maybe I'm a jaded F|_|c|<, but that's just me.

 

 

If your gut is telling you something is up, then there is a good chance there is. You seem to me like a rational person who wouldn't just jump to conclusions, and our guts are notorious for being right...And...well the variables kind of speak for themselves.

 

We know this guy wants her. Seems more than coincidence that she just happens to be spending the nights at a guys place that wants her...

I mean if you ask me, her sleeping at any guys place is a big deal, let alone his. I'm friends with a ton of girls, and I don't sleep at their place for just sleep purposes except for parties where I'm drunk, road trips, or cottages/camping. I mean a few times in college, good girlfriends would sometimes pass out on my bed while watching a movie with me, but again we were super close. Never would we think of taking our friendship further and we knew this. I don't think they would have fallen asleep otherwise.

 

Never, ever, have I arranged a sleep over on a casual night, unless it's been for more than just sleeping (sorry man, have to be honest though). The winkies and flirtatious chatting just adds icing on the cake.

 

That just doesn't seem like what casual friends do. I don't get the indication that they're AMAZING BFF's or anything like that.

 

I feel for you man. Like I said earlier in a post, I think you really have to stop with FB and inquiring about her. It's only going to make things worse and trust me, you think knowing will make you better off but it doesn't. Ignorance is truly bliss.

 

To think....you were sitting here worried about her abandonment issues and caring about her. The line has been drawn my friend. You are now to worry about you and only you.

 

Don't be an jerk to her, but she definitely shouldn't matter from now on. Even if you feel she does (which lets face it you do, which is fine) don't show it.

 

Ever hear the term "out of sight, out of mind?" you have to start applying it. FB, friends telling you bits, subjecting yourself to the curious thoughts of her, it's all going to be damaging and really hold you back from getting over her. I don't think there is anything you're going to find out at this point that will make you feel better, just worse. Even say if you do find out nothing is going on between them, you're right back to where you were hoping that you two can get back together...It's a vicious cycle that doesn't help you progress.

 

If she comes back, that's amazing bro, but assume the worst my friend.

 

Hang in there my friend and keep doing you.

Edited November 24, 2010 by SeriousBob12

[Rap17]

Man, I think youre right. That gut feeling, I could sense it from the moment I saw him the first time, chatting friendly with her in the Uni bar. That afternoon, and this was in april or may I think, I walked home with my friend, (the mutual one), and we talked about our relationships like we usually did. Hes quite younger than me, and I always sensed that he looked up to me in a way, I guess maybe its because Im calm and collected, confident and have somewhat experience with women, (and look at me now...).

 

I told him that I was jealous, that I felt jealous at the sight of them together. He was completely surprised and laughed, he said that I had to tell her, because she had mentioned that I never seemed jealous, kinda like she wanted me to. Why should I? I trusted her, no reason to feel alarmed, but that afternoon I did. But I didnt tell her. Why? Because she was always jealous when I talked to other women, I didnt want to stoop down to that level. I didnt have anything to worry about right?

 

That right there, the gut feeling, I wish I had trusted it back then. Sitting here reading the responses, I took myself by surprise all of the sudden. You know what I thought of? "Man, shes actually disgusting for what shes done. What a whore" Seriously, where did that come from? But I think I know.

 

Im finally starting to lose respect for her. I think the illusion is slowly beginning to crumble. Its at times like this that I feel my inner strength returning. Mind you, I might be a wreck again tomorrow, but I can sense something is changing. For the first time I actually felt the urge to just go to FB and remove her as a friend. Not because of the unbearable pain, but because I got the sense that she isnt worthy. A 22 year old confused girl, with a possible high functioning borderline personality disorder, cheating on me, then discarding me for a backstabbing guy with ulterior motives, and trying to get away with it so she doesnt look bad...

 

Im a great guy, I treat my women with respect and dignity. Im caring and have a good heart. I never really raise my voice, I negotiate peacefully. I listen to what they have to say, I never try to hold them back if they want to do stuff in their own time. I might not be rich, and I might not look like Brad Pitt, but Im better than being treated like this. Youre totally right about her contacting me on FB, thats so weak its almost laughable.

 

But no, Im gonna keep up the FB thing until my deadline is up. Dont ask why, I know its torture. But its kinda like I have to do this, to remind myself of the pain and how bad she is treating me. If I can survive the next 12 days like this, I can survive anything. If that is the ticket to replace my affection with contempt, then Id rather go through with it than take the easy way out. Like I said, Im a man of my word, and I keep promises to myself as well.

 

I feel like Im taking my first baby steps towards acceptance in this process. I know Ill regress to earlier stages before this is over, but I feel more collected at the moment.

[SeriousBob12]

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you bro, it's not an easy place and my heart goes out to you. What I went through in the summer, i wouldn't want to wish onto anyone.

 

It's okay to feel angry, sad, confused, content all at different times. It's a part of dealing with the emotional chaos that is a breakup.

 

I went through 2 months of getting almost no sleep, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, no focus, utter discontent for everything, and just not being myself. I would go to the gym just because for that 2 hours I had to focus on lifting weights and it was my mental vacation, but as soon as I left it would be back to dwelling on it. Many times I wished I could workout 24 hours a day, just to not be plagued by it.

 

The night I found out she as with someone else was the worst. I still remember it as if it happened yesterday....

 

I went out for my best girlfriend's b-day (she's like a sister), and was doing my best to try and be myself, but all my close friends could tell I was a bummed out wreck. I had a few beers and got a buzz on and you know by the end of the night I felt alright...As me and the same girlfriend and her fiance were walking to there car to drive me home, she gave me a heart to heart and said to cheer up, I'm one of the best guys she knows, and not to let her bring me down and what not. This same girl was friends with her on fb even though they only met once...She told me that she had checked her fb profile and there was no new guy and not to worry and if it's meant to be it will happen. She also said since I deleted her, she could be my personal creeper and just to ask, which I got a laugh out of and in my drunken/buzzed state said "fine creep now!" in which she laughed and said "You got it!" and whipped out her iphone. I really expected it to be harmless and for curiosity sake I asked "well since you're creeping for me, keep an eye out for xxxxxx (the guy I was suspicious about and was flirty with her on her wall before I deleted her) she was then like "xxxxxx (his name) ?" and I was like yeah. Her tone changed and the smile was gone and she responded with "Ohh..." and I was like "what?", in which she was like "nothing...don't worry" I knew it wasn't nothing so I said "what is it, tell me?" and she was like "I'm not sure if I want too" in which I was like "you have too, you can't do that" and her fiance was like "you have too, he needs to see that." I was expecting a flirty gesture, a picture of them tagged, nothing could have prepared me for it...she then handed me the phone with the update that she was in a new relationship with guy xxxxxxx. My heart just sunk, here I was drunk at 2am having to take this in. The two of them stayed with me for a bit (I was seriously almost in tears) but they had to get back to relieve their babysitter...here I was at 3:30am sitting on my porch, drunk chain-smoking, with a completely shattered heart. I called one of my bestfriends and woke him and he talked to me for 45 mins, but nothing he could say would change it. God bless the support he gave me though, I needed it. I barely slept at all that night and when I woke up, how I wanted it to just be a bad dream, a very bad dream...but reality obviously punched me in the face. The following 2 months were just agonizing. All I could think about was how happy she was and how miserable I was.

 

We've all been through our fair share of crap my friend. Unfortunately this is yours, but you will pull through this. It sounds like she really missed out a great guy and she's too immature at 22 to realize it. This is something she's going to have to deal with, you'll pull through and come out a better person. I'm still shocked at how well you've conducted yourself, to say you're mature is almost an under statement my friend.

 

Things might get worse, I know it was like breakup round 3 when I had to accept that it was really over. Like you and so many others I had hope and was delusional. I wanted to believe he was a rebound and wouldn't last, maybe just a friend and they did the relationship thing for giggles (pathetic I know), I thought of so many obscure ways to deny it internally, but deep down I knew it was over.

 

Don't think of them doing it to spite you. I don't think that's the case at all, even though it might feel like that. This was just how things happen. If you can accept that this is something out of your control you'll feel a bit better. From everything you told us, you were nothing but a fantastic boyfriend, it was her that decided to end it for her reasons. If they're laughing at you behind your back. F@c|< them, you don't need people like that in your life anyways. You're better than that, and you'll progress to a new level of awesomeness after this.

 

Don't rush yourself or start being hard on yourself for not getting over it when you think you should. Take advantage of your friends and call in any support you can. As time passes less and less it will bug you, and when you can start waking up and not instantly be thinking of her, it's a truly amazing thing. You'll be amazed that you got through it! You strike me as someone who has kept true to himself. I like many others begged and pleaded to get her back, which made me feel like a fool once the guy was in the picture. You still have your composure and your dignity, the one thing she could have robbed you of but you didn't let her. Hats off my friend.

 

If you feel like you need to go the 12 days, then go for it bro. You know yourself better than we do. I would say that after the 12 days though, start considering cutting ties. If not deleting her, hide all her updates from your feed and do your best not to pull up her profile (I struggled with that which is why I deleted her). As always dude, LS is here full of support and advice.

 

Stay strong my friend.

[Rap17]

Thanks SeriuosBob, but I guess I did go the pleading/begging/panic route in the first two weeks after the breakup, I just managed to avoid texting her and calling her alot. Im sure the few times I did beg to get her back hasnt helped me at all, but at least she wrote me on FB last night like I mentioned, so I havent dissapeared from her thoughts completely. Yeah, shes beginning to wonder about me and what Im doing, Im sure of it, but she will have to out in REAL effort to get in contact with me again, not that FB nonsense just to polish her ego.

 

So, its day 18 of NC.

 

Im glad I didnt write her back and left her hanging last night. My heart is telling me otherwise, like "what if it was my last chance!? what if she is now angry at me and wont contact me again because shes stubborn?? (she is), have I ruined everything??". But my brain is telling me that I did exactly what I needed to do. Make her wonder, make her feel like shes not the most important person in my life, make her experience that Im not there like I used to be, not at the moment anyway. Its time for her to guess whats going on. I told her almost three weeks ago that I would leave her alone for now, accepting that she needs "space" and "time to find herself", to be "independent". So, lets see if she can manage, but judging by the new "secret" guy she cant.

 

Its been a quiet day, seen a friend and been talking some more. But gotta admit that her message last night, formal as it might have been, has put my thought process into overdrive. I guess her intention might have been to see if I was still here, to make me aware of her presence or something else. Unfortunatly, it worked very well for her. I hope my silence made her think the opposite, but I cannot know. Maybe she thinks she now has another justification for dumping me, since I didnt respond.

 

Man, NC is tough but Im stubborn as well. Been through different stages just in one day. Depression, anger. Been reading a lot of old posts in the forum. Just after the breakup, when I first came here, I avoided the "Move on" posts, ignored the NC threads with the message that NC is to heal, not to get her back. Not anymore. Im realising that its the way it has to be. I have to reclaim "me" in order to heal, and then if Im lucky, it will be the only chance Ill have to reclaim her.

 

I have been totally honest with myself today. She can meet all the guys her age she wants, she can go for guys that are more handsome than me, guys that are more fun than me, guys that share more of the same interests. But one thing Im truly beginning to realise is, that she can never ever meet another guy with my heart. Theres only one of me, and whenever shes with a guy, be it the douchebag shes sleeping with or any other, there will be times when she will be reminded just how good I was to her. They are not me, they dont share the same qualities as me. Im unique in the way I approached her and loved her, and I did alot of those things right. That can never be replaced by anyone. She can even tell them or try to convince them to do the same stuff, like how I used to caress her hair when she was lying next to me, the way I smiled and looked her in the eyes, the way Id comfort her when she was feeling sad etc.

 

Only one person in the world can truly do that what I did. Yep, you guessed it, me.

 

Those 3 weeks ago when I talked to her for hours, I told her "You have to realise what it is youre letting go", and she immediatly broke down and cried in my arms. Thats wasnt coincidence.

 

Its strange. Im slooowly beginning to see all this in a different light. Like, I havent really lost her in a sense, but more like shes losing me. Day by day, hour by hour.

 

I think Im getting stronger.

[Fufu]

I seriously think it's fine you did not reply her..

 

What I usually feel is, dumpers contact dumpee most likely is because they felt guilty breaking up with us and trying to show us concern as a "FRIEND". Remember, we don't need their lowly concern after they chose to forgo us so easily.

 

If dumpers truly want us back, let them do the chasing.

 

We can talk about being friends after we find our own complete closure.

 

Happy to hear that you are going stronger