Am I doing the right thing?

[GoingInsane]

Oh and just one more thing Rap, don't go to the party. You're doing it for all the wrong reasons, put yourself first. It will really hurt seeing her there, you won't be able to maintain NC (trying to get someone's eye contact is breaking it) and it will give you new information to process which will just drive you crazy again. Please don't go - but DO arrange something nice to do that night instead. Cinema, football match, go visit a friend who lives a little away from the area.

 

You say you won't tell her why you're late because that gives you some power. She doesn't care! You already told her you might not make it because you have other plans - did she ask you what those plans are? No. I know this sounds really cruel and I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling (read my past threads, I was exactly the same), but you need to forget about her - she just doesn't care, she's already moved on. Please do all that you can to do the same. Get back to the gym, read a book, visit friends and don't talk about her. I bought an excellent book which really helped me - Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott. It sat unread for a few weeks after I first bought it while I obsessed and drove myself insane trying to work out how my relationship with different. When I finally picked it up, it helped so much. Please try it.

[Rap17]

Goinginsane, thanks so much for that detailed reply.

 

I think whats driving me up the wall is not knowing. See, Ive felt in my gut and seen vague evidence that they are together, wheter it be FWB or a secret relationship. Yeah she denied the fact to a mutual friend just before christmas, and he told me she acted disgusted just by the thought of being with him, that they were just friendly with eachother since they attend a lot of classes at Uni together. Shes always felt sorry for the guy since he doesnt have many friends, so shes always made excuses for him, which drove me nuts I gotta admit.

 

Friday, when I spoke to another mutual friend, he told me that he had been talking to her a couple of days ago. Hes in the midst of a breakup as well and she asked him about how he was doing. Then she recommended that he didnt get into another relationship so soon after his breakup, if the opportunity presented itself, (its been one month for him). I dont know what that indicates, that she doesnt want a relationship herself, or if its all just to cover up the fact that shes seeing the other guy.

 

I just hate not knowing. I hate that she can state that she still cares about me and wants to be on friendly terms, but then doesnt take any action to show it. Maybe youre right, maybe she truly doesnt care, then why say so? Guilt? Trying not to get caught?

 

See not knowing whats going on, well then there can be two outcomes. One, shes lying again and that would put me in a position to just pity her, move on and realise that shes way beneath me, that I can just take her off the pedestal and let her rot. The other outcome is that shes being honest, that they are truly just good friends, and that I read too much into the whole thing. It would at least give me peace of mind, even though either outcome would still hurt.

 

Another fact is that Ive actually been talking to this guy before the breakup, on occasion. He was secretly in contact with her during the relationship, (besides the non secretive contact at Uni), and I cant tell you how much that makes me hate his guts. Im fully aware that she allowed him to since I "wasnt around enough", still its something I would NEVER do to another guy, EVER. He knew me, had conversations with me. What a ****ing assclown.

 

Also, this guy doesnt hold a candle to me. Its like the ultimate insult. I might be down and a wreck now, but when Im in my prime theres no way he would even have a chance. Im not being arrogant, but Im angry and I truly believe this to be true. So, yeah I feel guilty, a lot. You see, I wasnt in my prime in the last part of the relationship. I was weak, stressed, depressed, and became needy and clingy. Also, I didnt validate her enough, or were intimate enough with her. I got a bit distant because I wasnt feeling well, and I tried to explain to her so many times that I had a hard time, that I still loved her with all of my heart, and that I just needed a bit of time to get back on my feet. So I started taking the right steps, while STILL being there for her as a boyfriend. Just cut down on going out, stopped in a band, took some measures. And I slowly got better, and it was beginning to show. Less stress, more affection and trust me when I say I was always very loving around her, even when In my energy depleted state. But I STILL feel guilty for having been in that state, which I believe ultimatly led to her wanting a break/breakup.

 

I lost myself and in turn lost her. No excuses for what she did, I know. Still, I cant shake the feeling of the breakup being my fault. Its killing me, despite her actions. Shes immature, shes naive and shes impulsive. But I still love her.

 

Youre right, Im so angry. I dont want to lose, especially not to that guy. Our mutual friend told me that if it turned out to be true, that I had to remember that hes "nothing" a nobody. Well, imagine how it feels to be replaced by a nobody, by a guy who wouldnt have a chance in hell to compete with me had I been in a better state. Its like Im getting motivated to better myself and become my old me, just to do the same thing to him that he did to me. I just dont want her to forget about me, and I want her to see me improve myself. But see, if hes in the picture as a romantic interest and I cannot truly know, it gets me stuck somehow.

 

Had I had suspicions of any other guy, this would probably be somewhat easier.

 

Perhaps youre right about not attending the party. I just dont want to show weakness anymore. I want to be strong in her presence, I want her to realise what she lost, for me. But yeah, I cant predict everything she will say or do, if she will ignore me and having fun doing it. Im sure she wont pay me much attention since our class mates are around. If she can avoid eye contact and ignore me in class, would it be any different at the party? not likely, despite her texting me back, seemingly happy that I might show up.

 

A friend told me yesterday that maybe I should be doing LC in the coming months. Maybe I should text her once every month or so, light heartedly, you know, the nonchalant approach and all that. Sigh, I just want to know whats going on. I just want certainty. Not knowing is what keeps me pining away.

 

My heart tells me I can win her back, if I get my act together and become strong again. I know, words of a heartbroken fool, but its a gut thing. But as a lot of people suggests in other posts, if your ex is on the rebound you have to stay the hell away. I just want to know so I can act accordingly. Signs are there, but noone knows. Noones saying anything. I forgave her for making out with another guy, a guy I did not know, a guy I didnt have any relations with at all. I did it because she showed that she felt remorse and was heartbroken about it. But if it was indeed this other guy, if they were doing stuff behind my back, if theyre doing stuff now. Then she has pulled the worst possible stunt she could have ever done.

 

I just need guidance. I just need to gain some confidence again and do whats right. I want to fight for her when Im ready, which I wont be in months. Everyone will tell me to go NC, and I have been doing that for periods of time, but its insanely hard when we attend Uni, and I dont want to show weakness anymore, I dont want to show she gets to me.

 

I just dont know what to do, I really dont. I truly believe you can reattract an ex down the line, if you better yourself, and Im motivated for that. But having read so many threads, LC, NC, all sorts of stuff. Its gotten me confused and anxious. I just need the best course of action, and not knowing if shes seeing him in secret or not makes it that much harder.

 

Its a horrible situation and something I wouldnt wish for anyone to endure. Am I seeing things? Am I overanalyzing stuff? Am I right? The uncertainty is absolutely eating me up inside, and as long as shes telling the world that theres nothing going on I dont know what to think.

[GoingInsane]

rap17, believe me, everything you are going through and thinking, I did exactly the same for 3.5 months after my split.

 

You say you just want to know the truth - no you don't. And you'll never get the full truth, just half versions of it. You will make excuses for her, try to convince yourself that its not true or blame yourself. Knowing the truth won't help at all. I'll tell you my story. I thought my ex was having an affair, she denied and denied. When we split she blamed me. She talked to a mutual friend about how she hated hurting me, but still denied the affair. We became good friends, between Christmas and New Year she contacted me 3 times. When her dog died she came to me for support. When she was struggling at work, she came to me. She initiated it. I felt in my gut something was wrong and did something I'm not proud of - hacked into her FB. I saw a message from her to a friend, it said "I have a new lover. I was dating C (me) and had an affair with J (colleague I suspected all along) so me and C split. Now I'm kind of with J but we have to keep it a secret". I read that and was angry, upset, hurt. I went over and over things in my mind and what did I do? I convinced myself that she was over exagerating the relationship. Told myself she might have even been making it up to make her life look more exciting.

 

I told her I knew and asked her not to deny it, not to lie any more. She played dumb. I never contacted her again. But still I would reflect on what I read - what does "kind of seeing" mean? Was it really an affair or just flirting? I panicked that she would know I hacked into her account and would hate me for it. I felt guilty. I felt sorry for her thinking she would be beating herself up about what she had done. But she never contacted me to try and explain. So I doubt she felt any guilt.

 

That's an example of why you really don't need to know for closure. It doesn't matter. You're not together anymore, you won't believe what you don't want to hear. Like you I blamed myself, she had the affair because I was stressed, not showing enough affection, taking her for granted. But think of this. If your ex (while you were still together) was showing signs of stress, was unhappy, not acting her usual self, what would you do? Would you try and find out what was wrong? Would you try to help her through it? Or would you start looking for attention and affection from elsewhere? I know what I'd do. Our exes chose the other path - they abandoned us in our hour of need. We didn't push them away, they were so selfish they couldn't put us first for once. Its a testament to the type of guy you are that you feel bad, that you want to take the responsibility for the BU away from her because you don't want her to hurt. But she doesn't need, want or deserve that any more. So you need to give yourself a break and some love instead.

 

You say you don't want to show weakness, that's why you want to go to the party. But who are you showing strength to if you go? Make plans to do something YOU really want to do. Going to the party is a sign of weakness, be strong for yourself and have a good time doing something that won't hurt, won't make you feel like crap, won't drive you up the wall. By chosing something that will cause you pain, you're telling your inner self that you don't really matter.

 

Please look into the book I mentioned, I really think it can help. Hang in there, it does get better - but only when you accept that she has moved on and that you're the most important person in your life.

[Rap17]

Goinginsane, thanks mate. You have truly said what I needed to hear.

 

After my last post I phoned a classmate from Uni. Hes a 40 year old guy with a bit more experience in these matters than me, and hes aware that somethings been going on. Hes the one that has seen them driving to Uni together in the morning, seen them being very friendly and a bit flirting.

 

Its like I saw the light. For the first time in all of these months I now understand what needs to happen. I dont like it, I dont want to ignore my feelings, I want to fight for her. But he convinced me of something, that I had a choice. He said from what he´d seen and what Ive been telling him, that he was absolutely 100% positive that they had something going on, even though she denies it. My choice was to either believe that to be true, or believe that it wasnt, due to "lack of clear evidence". Instead of being uncertain, choose a path and accept it. Dont respect it, just accept it.

 

Thats the first time Ive taken her off the pedestal, it just happened an hour ago. And youre right, Im still too affected to go to the party, so I arranged to go out for drinks with a friend instead on saturday.

 

By accepting this to be 100% true I can now see that shes not good for me. What shes done is beyond loathsome and weak, and I deserve better. Im heartbroken and I love her, but shes also the source of my pain. Going to the party will just bring more pain, my brain will overanalyze everything shell do or say, and I wont be able to show true indifference. Just a glimmer of sadness in my eyes, just for a split second, and Im toast.

 

I have gone from believing shes the only one who can make the pain stop, to accept that shes the one whos making me hurt. And for my own sanity I cannot take it anymore. Well, Im actually hurting myself, she isnt, but I cannot trust myself around her because Im not healed yet.

 

So, Ive pondered on LC, maybe contacting her in a month or so etc. but its not going to happen, even though I really really want to. So, In choosing to believe that shes with the other guy, I have no hope for reconciliation at this time. Her mind is elsewhere and she doesnt give a crap about me. Thats not someone I want relations with. Im tired of the grief, the guilt, the pain. Its unbearable and I need to make a stand for myself.

 

I have to see her two days at Uni in the following week, attending class together. It will probably be one of the toughest situations I will ever face. After that Im home free and it will be roughly a month before Ill have to see her again.

 

So, heres what Im going to be focusing on:

 

 

1: Take one day at a time.

 

2: Focus on my studies and try to make the most of it.

 

3: Diet. Gonna start eating regularly and healthy again, get back some of that lost weight and rebuilt my attractivenes.

 

4: Start working out again, two times a week. Get more energy and look it.

 

5: Continue to go out with friends and ask them not to bring up the subject of her and her life.

 

6: NC!!! Just gotta survive this week then Im free of her presence for the time being. I wont give her any attention, she doesnt deserve me after whats shes done. Should she make contact in any fashion I will think very carefully before deciding to return it. But Im not going to expect it, not with her being with the other guy. I will have to ignore my heart.

 

Its time to do things for me and my future. I cant change her mind, I cant wish her to come back, I have to kill the hope to truly move on. Time to show the world that I can manage on my own and attract someone else down the line.

 

I know I carry the hope for reconciliation but I have to ignore it. Have to let it go. What happens happens, noone can predict the future. And besides, I havent been truly NC for more than 3 weeks at a time, its time to change that. Just a major bummer Ill have to see her at Uni once in while these next six months.

[GoingInsane]

I was so pleased to read your post Rap. Well done for coming to that decision and you sound strong and determined to stick with it. Don't worry about seeing her at uni (my ex and her new lover both work with me!), as long as you don't go out of your way to talk to her or look for eye contact, then you're maintaining NC.

 

You'll have some ups and downs for the next couple of weeks, you'll convince yourself you're wrong, you'll go over things in your head again - but don't let that put you off track. Accept it will happen, but if you start obsessing too much, just say: Stop! It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. This worked for me.

 

Good luck mate.

[Rap17]

I was so pleased to read your post Rap. Well done for coming to that decision and you sound strong and determined to stick with it. Don't worry about seeing her at uni (my ex and her new lover both work with me!), as long as you don't go out of your way to talk to her or look for eye contact, then you're maintaining NC.

 

You'll have some ups and downs for the next couple of weeks, you'll convince yourself you're wrong, you'll go over things in your head again - but don't let that put you off track. Accept it will happen, but if you start obsessing too much, just say: Stop! It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. This worked for me.

 

Good luck mate.

 

 

Thanks mate. Believe me I dont feel very strong at all, but the determination is definantly there. Theres only one way and thats up. Choice is either to stay on the bottom or get to the surface. Im forcing myself to, its a matter of survival, even though its counter intuitive.

 

The hardest part in seeing her at Uni is that she looks so indifferent about the whole thing. Just this cold expression on her face, unless someone speaks to her in person. Its like being hit by a baseball bat over and over again, but I only have to endure a couple of days of this.

[z00m25]

best of luck to you buddy. im going through a breakup myself and it def helps knowing im not the only one in the world that feels this pain. i know exactly how you feel.

[Rap17]

best of luck to you buddy. im going through a breakup myself and it def helps knowing im not the only one in the world that feels this pain. i know exactly how you feel.

 

 

Feel free to post your story if you want to mate. I truly hope your breakup isnt as bad as mine. Its been 3 months for me now, and Im only just starting to accept that the love of my life has betrayed me more profoundly than I would have ever thought was possible. And worse, she got away with it.

[Rap17]

@Goinginsane: I reread your posts and would just like to comment on something. You mentioned:

 

"But think of this. If your ex (while you were still together) was showing signs of stress, was unhappy, not acting her usual self, what would you do? Would you try and find out what was wrong? Would you try to help her through it? Or would you start looking for attention and affection from elsewhere? I know what I'd do. Our exes chose the other path - they abandoned us in our hour of need. We didn't push them away, they were so selfish they couldn't put us first for once."

 

See, thats where my guilt stems from. When I think back on the relationship, Im beginning to see that she wasnt happy this summer, taking a lot of extra hours and responsibility at Uni and work, going out way more often. She even told me several times that she needed more intimacy, that she didnt felt appreciated like I mentioned.

 

In my state of mind I understood that she had the issues of her past and that they may have been a contributor to how she was feeling. I didnt fully understand that she was feeling like she did because of me. Like she wrote me at christmas time. "You werent strong enough to be there for me when I needed you". It makes me feel bad because it makes me believe that I abandoned her in HER hour of need, and that in turn made me lose her. But I was oblivious to that fact because I was stressed out, which had nothing to do with her at all. I have regrets because she believed I didnt appreciate her anymore, when the truth is I loved her and thought we would always be together.

 

Ironically, Im feeling guilty because I was stressed and depressed, and it made her turn away. See how crazy that is? Losing your girlfriend because of whats basically a misinterpretation, or what she chose to believe, since to her there could be no other explanation, no matter how hard I tried to convince her. All the while she was talking to the other guy behind my back, him convincing her that she was right.

 

Oh, and I have a confession to make. I lied about one thing in this entire thread, and Im not proud of that fact. But the guilt has been so huge I broke down crying after I had done the deed and I felt so horrible. The thing about someone mentioning her chatting with the other guy, talking about sleeping together etc. Well, sigh, it was me. I broke into her FB account as well, I discovered I still had her password and after not having slept for three days, (this was back in november, two weeks after the breakup), I logged in in desperation and saw an open chatwindow with those messages. Have never done it since, will never do it again. It made everything 100 times worse.

 

Im sorry for not having been honest about this fact, but now you know. After I read that, thats when it started to become unbearable to attend Uni. Thats what ultimately made me fall into depression. I hope you can accept my appology.

[GoingInsane]

Hey Rap17. You don't need to apologise to us. As you know I did the same (crikey, I kept doing it for a while) and although it was wrong, we were both desperate. Because we wanted contact of some sort or to find out the truth. I'm not making excuses, neither of us should have done it, but we did so we need to draw a line under it and learn from it and never do it again. It doesn't matter. Please don't stress about that.

 

I do know what you mean about the guilt, my ex also said to me that she was upset at the lack of intimacy and that I was taking her for granted. But she still (and your ex as well) decided to pull away from us and seek comfort from someone else. If you had felt a bit neglected, would you have looked for thrills and support from elsewhere? Sure, our actions might have upset our exes, but if they really loved and respected us, they would have tried a bit harder to talk and sort things with us rather than going elsewhere. I think you need to let go of that guilt. And if you can't, then learn from it, make a promise to yourself that you won't do the same again in future relationships, then draw a line under it and move on. You can't change the past - and I still believe that our exes made a choice.

[Rap17]

Hey Rap17. You don't need to apologise to us. As you know I did the same (crikey, I kept doing it for a while) and although it was wrong, we were both desperate. Because we wanted contact of some sort or to find out the truth. I'm not making excuses, neither of us should have done it, but we did so we need to draw a line under it and learn from it and never do it again. It doesn't matter. Please don't stress about that.

 

I do know what you mean about the guilt, my ex also said to me that she was upset at the lack of intimacy and that I was taking her for granted. But she still (and your ex as well) decided to pull away from us and seek comfort from someone else. If you had felt a bit neglected, would you have looked for thrills and support from elsewhere? Sure, our actions might have upset our exes, but if they really loved and respected us, they would have tried a bit harder to talk and sort things with us rather than going elsewhere. I think you need to let go of that guilt. And if you can't, then learn from it, make a promise to yourself that you won't do the same again in future relationships, then draw a line under it and move on. You can't change the past - and I still believe that our exes made a choice.

 

 

Thanks mate for the encouragement. I want to add something though.

 

She told me several times "I just miss the old you" and "Youre so hard to talk to". When she said these things I didnt understand what she meant. Inside I felt like I was the same person, the same guy that she fell in love with in the beginning. And truth be told I was and still am. But in the state I was in I was a bit distant, not as open as I used to be. I was in a shell.

Every time I would calmly and lovingly try to explain to her that I was still the same guy, that my feelings hadnt changed, but that I just needed for her to be a bit patient so I could get out on the other side and get my energy back. I knew this, because I had suffered from depression in the past and I knew how to deal with the stress, (My mother had cancer for several years before passing away, which took a huge toll on me back then). All I needed was affection, patience, and for her to trust that I was doing the right thing.

 

But she saw me in a different light. And because I was this way for quite a while, slowly picking myself up, I think she didnt believe I could change back. Remember, her mom is a compulsive gambler and she hasnt had contact with her in her adult years. She would tell me once in a while that her mom would be trying to reach out to her, but she would ignore it since she didnt want anything to do with her until she got "cured". Would make sense she saw me that way too wouldnt it, because of her past experiences, but I cannot know for sure ofc.

 

I can accept that she would talk to her friends about her having a rough time through this, thats alright, even though I wish she would have opened up to me more and made it more clear to me. Remember, I truly thought she understood what I was going through, even though shes only 22 years old. Perhaps I was a bit naive.

 

What I cannot accept is that she chose to turn to the very guy that would do anything to win her heart, because he was "there when I couldnt be", and he was a "friend" in need. At that time I honestly believe she didnt see him as more than a friend, and it just felt good to be validated by someone when I wasnt around. Remember, she has low self esteem. but I knew what he was doing, I knew what he wanted, I could just sense it. Its a guy thing. And when I told her I wasnt happy about it and I wanted to know when he was around, she did the opposite.

 

And also, I know what this guy is about. Hes the kind of guy that doesnt has many friends, not many people like him, and my ex took pity on him. Hes the kind of guy that hook up with girls who are feeling lost, confused, or having a hard time. Because he cant get strong woman.

 

Thats not me being mean, thats just how it is, plenty of people have told me so. And thats the guy I lost her to. So yeah Goinginsane, Im angry. Im angry at her but I also feel sorry for her. But that guy, I seriously just hate his guts. I almost feel like he manipulated her, and in her naive mind she fell for it. Then she made the choice of doom, and here I am. Crushed.

[Rap17]

Thanks the heavens, the two classes I have this week is canceled, I dont have to go to Uni at all. One single class monday, then we go to work in the field. Im thinking about maybe calling in sick monday, I really dont want any contact with her at the moment. Well, I do, but its not good for me.

 

also, have finally mustered up the willpower to not look at her facebook profile for two days, even though I havent defriended her. I think Im slooooowly stepping into the acceptance stage of the breakup. I really hope I am.

[GoingInsane]

Well done Rap. I've had a bit of a setback the past two days. I'm trying to figure out why and what I can change so I might take a short break from LS. I think you're doing the right thing avoiding her for now whilst your emotions are so strong. Hope it will start to get better for you soon.

[heartshaped]

This guy she's with- I know exactly the type. They manipulate weak minded women [no offense to your ex] into thinking that their boyfriend is mistreating them, doesn't love them, etc. Then, when the relationship is over they pounce on the woman pretty much seconds later and convinces her that they are good for her because they care about her and were there for her. It's sickening really. I pity her.

[Rap17]

This guy she's with- I know exactly the type. They manipulate weak minded women [no offense to your ex] into thinking that their boyfriend is mistreating them, doesn't love them, etc. Then, when the relationship is over they pounce on the woman pretty much seconds later and convinces her that they are good for her because they care about her and were there for her. It's sickening really. I pity her.

 

 

Exactly. Thats reality from my point of view. Just the thought of it is like twisting a knife in my heart, over and over and over...

[Rap17]

Well done Rap. I've had a bit of a setback the past two days. I'm trying to figure out why and what I can change so I might take a short break from LS. I think you're doing the right thing avoiding her for now whilst your emotions are so strong. Hope it will start to get better for you soon.

 

Mate, I hope it isnt too bad for you. Youre welcome to post anything in this thread regarding your own situation if you like. I truly appreciate the advice youve given me so far, its been such a tremendous help to me. I wish you all the best

[GoingInsane]

Mate, I hope it isnt too bad for you. Youre welcome to post anything in this thread regarding your own situation if you like. I truly appreciate the advice youve given me so far, its been such a tremendous help to me. I wish you all the best

 

Cheers Rap. I think maybe I'm trying to rush things myself, thinking I'm over it when I'm not. I found out a load of new information last night - she finally admitted the affair to a mutual friend and has admitted they've started seeing each other again now, but this info just brought more questions, more doubt about the details she shared and more guilt on me. Like you I feel guilty (my advice was a case of do as I say, not as I do!). I feel like I pushed her into the arms of someone else through my actions. Our mutual friend told her that I'm fine, getting on with things and have moved on. I feel guilty that she now thinks I'm okay when a) I'm not and b) it upset her. By all accounts the new relationship is pretty fraught, my ex is miserable (I think she's being used by the affair guy) and she's upset that she has "lost her best friend" (me). She made these decisions and choices, so why do I feel sorry for her?

 

Arghh - its bloody hard.

[guitarxkid]

Just read through your entire thread and situation.

 

I've been going through a similar situation and going to school with my ex kills me inside. Knowing what she does, seeing her interested in other guys, having hunches about her with other guys, seeing her happy and having fun HURTS.

 

It seems like you have a hope inside your heart and correct me if I'm wrong, that even though you know inside your brain that what she did hurt you and you've been hurting and its not fair and you should move on, if she came back to you and said the things you wanted to hear you would go right back into it.

 

Just because you're still at that strong emotional stage that I'm at where even little things that show evidence of her being happy without you and her moving on tear you up on the insides.

 

I, too, have strong boosts of confidence at times and within an hour I can be right back to completely depressed and missing her.

 

Basically to sum up my story is me and my ex have been best friends for years and were together for about a year. We were in love, talked about ridiculous things like going to college together and getting married (still in high school, young I know). We were really good together, and we are so much alike in the sense that I can completely be myself with her and being with her just brings out the better me.

 

I made a big mistake during the duration of our relationship in the sense that I never really told her when I didn't like something she was doing and kinda let her walk all over me. I did this because I was afraid we would end up fighting and break up. I just wanted to be with her because, well, I was in love with her.

 

Basically, she ended things because she "felt guilty because of something she said to another guy", but we were still together for months after that. It was almost perfect, when I left for a 10 day trip where I could not really contact her. About halfway through the trip, she called and ended things with me for no apparent reason except that all of a suddon she wanted to be single.

 

This devastated me. I was away from home, away from her, out in the middle of nowhere with my family and couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

I came back, and heard that she had hooked up with another guy from work. This hurt me so much. She quickly apologized though and like you, I let it go.

 

After this we were kinda on and off but I made mistakes and begged and was obviously the desperate one. We still talked every day and I wish so much that I had known about NC from this site and had the people on this site to talk to because I was hurting A LOT.

 

Anyways, its been six months since then (the more official ending of things after she hooked up with that guy from work) At one point, I could say that I was over her and was talking and hooking up with another girl. My ex got SO jealous and cried to me and said all this bull**** like she couldn't stop thinking about me and she just wanted to be with me. I fell for it, and it backfired. This got all my feelings back and of course, she changed her mind on me and went back to leading me on and of course didn't feel the same.

 

From then on, we were still on and off, me still being the vulnerable one. About 3 weeks ago, at a party I ****ed up and was at a party that she was at and was really drunk and called her some bad things because I was just so mad she was showing a lot of other boys attention and not me. In this very depressed state mixed with alcohol, I know I started talking about suicide to her (obviously a horrible mistake, first because its not how I felt and also because I should'nt have put that on her, or on anyone).

 

After that we both agreed we couldn't talk to each other anymore. I reluctantly agreed and that's when I started reading things on here about NC. Since then, I haven't tried by any means of contacting her but she has called me twice, once to ask how I was doing (and to tell me she didn't want to go to prom with me anymore which had been the plan and tore me up inside) and the other time to laugh at a couple of pictures of my friends.

 

This leads up to now. I see her often at school, no classes with her luckily, but today I was in a review session with her and of course we were very friendly with each other but I decided I couldn't let that get the best of me. Since our breakup, its been 6 months of me begging and being the vulnerable one and its been a couple weeks of NC except those calls from her.

 

Sorry, I just meant to summarize my story but ended up needing to get all that out again.

 

Idk if you're still reading, but basically I've been through kinda the same thing and I've felt a lot of what you're feeling/felt. I still miss her so much and love her, I can't change that, but I'm trhying to stay positive and stay NC.

 

It's hard, I know, but we'll get through it in the end.

 

Sorry for that rant of text that probably doesn't make sense but it kinda just flowed from my fingers of my attempt to summarize my story with my ex. God I still miss her so much...

[Rap17]

Just read through your entire thread and situation.

 

I've been going through a similar situation and going to school with my ex kills me inside. Knowing what she does, seeing her interested in other guys, having hunches about her with other guys, seeing her happy and having fun HURTS.

 

It seems like you have a hope inside your heart and correct me if I'm wrong, that even though you know inside your brain that what she did hurt you and you've been hurting and its not fair and you should move on, if she came back to you and said the things you wanted to hear you would go right back into it.

 

Just because you're still at that strong emotional stage that I'm at where even little things that show evidence of her being happy without you and her moving on tear you up on the insides.

 

I, too, have strong boosts of confidence at times and within an hour I can be right back to completely depressed and missing her.

 

Basically to sum up my story is me and my ex have been best friends for years and were together for about a year. We were in love, talked about ridiculous things like going to college together and getting married (still in high school, young I know). We were really good together, and we are so much alike in the sense that I can completely be myself with her and being with her just brings out the better me.

 

I made a big mistake during the duration of our relationship in the sense that I never really told her when I didn't like something she was doing and kinda let her walk all over me. I did this because I was afraid we would end up fighting and break up. I just wanted to be with her because, well, I was in love with her.

 

Basically, she ended things because she "felt guilty because of something she said to another guy", but we were still together for months after that. It was almost perfect, when I left for a 10 day trip where I could not really contact her. About halfway through the trip, she called and ended things with me for no apparent reason except that all of a suddon she wanted to be single.

 

This devastated me. I was away from home, away from her, out in the middle of nowhere with my family and couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

I came back, and heard that she had hooked up with another guy from work. This hurt me so much. She quickly apologized though and like you, I let it go.

 

After this we were kinda on and off but I made mistakes and begged and was obviously the desperate one. We still talked every day and I wish so much that I had known about NC from this site and had the people on this site to talk to because I was hurting A LOT.

 

Anyways, its been six months since then (the more official ending of things after she hooked up with that guy from work) At one point, I could say that I was over her and was talking and hooking up with another girl. My ex got SO jealous and cried to me and said all this bull**** like she couldn't stop thinking about me and she just wanted to be with me. I fell for it, and it backfired. This got all my feelings back and of course, she changed her mind on me and went back to leading me on and of course didn't feel the same.

 

From then on, we were still on and off, me still being the vulnerable one. About 3 weeks ago, at a party I ****ed up and was at a party that she was at and was really drunk and called her some bad things because I was just so mad she was showing a lot of other boys attention and not me. In this very depressed state mixed with alcohol, I know I started talking about suicide to her (obviously a horrible mistake, first because its not how I felt and also because I should'nt have put that on her, or on anyone).

 

After that we both agreed we couldn't talk to each other anymore. I reluctantly agreed and that's when I started reading things on here about NC. Since then, I haven't tried by any means of contacting her but she has called me twice, once to ask how I was doing (and to tell me she didn't want to go to prom with me anymore which had been the plan and tore me up inside) and the other time to laugh at a couple of pictures of my friends.

 

This leads up to now. I see her often at school, no classes with her luckily, but today I was in a review session with her and of course we were very friendly with each other but I decided I couldn't let that get the best of me. Since our breakup, its been 6 months of me begging and being the vulnerable one and its been a couple weeks of NC except those calls from her.

 

Sorry, I just meant to summarize my story but ended up needing to get all that out again.

 

Idk if you're still reading, but basically I've been through kinda the same thing and I've felt a lot of what you're feeling/felt. I still miss her so much and love her, I can't change that, but I'm trhying to stay positive and stay NC.

 

It's hard, I know, but we'll get through it in the end.

 

Sorry for that rant of text that probably doesn't make sense but it kinda just flowed from my fingers of my attempt to summarize my story with my ex. God I still miss her so much...

 

Thanks for sharing your story mate, I wish you all the luck in the world. Its so tough but youll work through it and become a stronger person, I know it.

[Rap17]

Really tough day for me today, really really tough. I keep going over in my head whats transpired. The uncertainty is driving me insane, even though my gut has already told me the reality of the situation.

 

3 months since the breakup, all the usual excuses and I fought for her. Cried, begged, tried to reason and all that stuff. She confirmed to me that she still loved me after the breakup, but she needed to find herself and all that jazz.

 

Then, all the signs of her leaving me for another guy, the guy I knew wanted to jump her, and I knew this almost half a year before she ended it. Noone´s saying anything, noone knows, only suspects that its going on. Shes been lying to mutual friends, acting like theyre not together, although signs has been obvious for others as well.

 

I trusted this woman with all of my heart, shes the greatest love of my life. I just KNOW that shes waiting to make it official until she has completely distanced herself from me, we hardly talk anymore and Im in NC. Then it will seem like they hooked up months after the breakup, but in reality theyve secretly been doing this for probably 4 months. Maybe longer. And I know for certain theyve been talking to eachother behind my back for almost half a year before the breakup.

 

Its eating me up inside, even though Ive accepted that is going on. I HATE that theyre getting away with it and that I cant confront her with it since I cannot prove it. I would look like the bitter ex boyfriend, making up stories and looking like a desperate fool.

 

I simply cannot fathom how a person you gave your all to, your entire heart, would lie to me like this, betray me like this, and then not at least have the courtesy to admit what shes done. That way, at least I would have had the opportunity to move on faster and leave her in the dust.

 

But no, she puts on the victim facade. Like shes a fantastic person with no ill morals, no skeletons in the closet. How the hell can anyone be so selfish and devoid of empathy for the one whos been her lover for almost two years? How can she even live with herself?

 

And here I am, just waiting for the dreaded news, while I try to move on as well as I can. The news could be tomorrow, it could be in a month, it could be in half a year, when shes certain I wont confront her with it, since by then she will have made herself a stranger to me.

 

Right now, I could demolish a goddamn building with my bare hands. Knowing, but not being "supposed to know" with no evidence of the fact, its like a nightmare come true. And ofcourse, if I confront her with it now it will all be denied, just like shes denied it to others.

 

Imagine standing in front of the person you trust the most, the person you love deeper than anyone, the person you´d never bring harm to, the person you´d never willingly let down. Then, with a smile, she pulls a gun on you, shoots you in the stomach in a non lethal area, then proceeds to walk away while you bleed to death. Then you know how Im feeling today.

[Rap17]

Update. Seems like every day something happens that turn things upside down.

 

As I stated earlier, I chose to accept that my ex and the other guy were together, even though I couldnt prove it, as a means to move on with my life. All the signs were there.

 

But I failed. I had to know. It was the unknown that got me stuck in the first place. It has driven me into painful territory again the past few days, so I knew I had to take action, to get some much needed peace. So, I made a choice.

 

Theres a girl in my class, a girl I spoke briefly to when my ex asked for a break back in october. She was very honest with me, and was willing to listen and give me advice, even though I dont see her privately. She knows my ex as well, and they attend meetings together at Uni, but they dont meet much in private either. I needed a neutral person to confide in and to get answers from, and this girl was my best bet. Shes the only one Ive been talking to who hasnt chosen a side, but shes around my ex and the other guy at Uni, so there was a good chance she would know whats going on. Shes also fairly close with one of my ex´s friends, and she has no reason to lie to me at all. Shes even the one who asked if I would like to come to the party, despite everything.

 

So today I phoned her up. I asked her to keep what would be said between us, and for her to be open and honest with me, and I would do the same. She agreed without trouble at all, so I asked if they were together and explained to her why I suspected it, what I had seen, heard and so on. Her answer surprised me.

 

She made it clear that she fully understood why I was having those suspicions from what I told her, and that she understood why I needed to know, that I had been having a rough couple of months and she understood I needed to make peace with the situation. Then without a doubt in her mind, with no doubts and great conviction, she said the words "No, theres no way at all theyre together".

 

I asked her how she could be so sure and she told me in detail how she had been talking to both my ex, the guy and several of their mutual friends at Uni. She said that my ex really didnt like him much, and certainly not beyond mere friendship. That yes, they had been spending time together but not as a couple or anything like that, but as friends. She told me that the reason my ex was ignoring me was because she sensed that she was still having a rough time with the breakup. But most importantly, the other guy is in love with someone else at Uni. Someone who´s not my ex. When I asked her who it was she said that she had promised him not to tell anyone, so apparently it is someone I know, but I should rest assured that it wasnt my ex.

 

I told her a bit more details, told her they´d been seen driving on bikes together in the mornings, headed for Uni. She said she knew, but it wasnt what it looked like. That they live close to eachother and go the same route, so they would meet up and chat while riding their bikes. I told her about the messages I had seen and so on, and she understood where I was coming from, but that I should know that there was no way that they are together. So I asked her if my ex was seeing someone else and she told me she wasnt, but that it was obvious that some guys was showing interest. Also, she explained that they worked together on the last project this december, simply because they were following the same course, and only three people from that course had the same specialisation. My ex, the other guy and some random third guy.

 

She made it absolutely clear that I had nothing to worry about, and that there wasnt anything between them. Trust me, she has no reason to lie about this, shes not close to either of us, just a neutral person who gave me the offer to come and talk to her when my ex broke up with me, which I then later did.

 

I was completely floored by all of this. Of course, I still think back on the messages I saw on FB, and I wouldnt be surprised that she used him at the time because she couldnt handle being alone, but I cant know what happened then. I will never know.

 

Also, I felt relief and at peace. A feeling I havent felt for months. It was like the veil had been lifted. I thanked her deeply, I was so greatful. It was like she saved my life.

 

So, I saw a friend tonight and told him about it, and he was happy for me. Happy that I finally had found some closure, that I was in a better place, even though Im still heartbroken.

 

After the visit I came home and went on Facebook. Poked around a bit and decided to look at the profile of an old ex fling, someone I was dating for a couple of months, years back, and whom I later played in a band with. Shes a singer/songwriter writing her own music and I found that shes releasing a new album this year. Went to her artist page and happened on a couple of songs from the upcoming album and had a listen. There was this beautiful and eerie song about a breakup she had been through, a chorus with the words:

 

"I know that its over when its over and I..., I see that its been coming for a while. Im scared and I cant tell you where were going but I..., I feel something´s coming our way..."

 

Somehow, it spoke to me, to something inside me. I went to the piano while the song was playing, learned the chords and lyrics by ear, and then started playing along.

 

Right there and then, I just broke down completely. I cried and couldnt stop, just let it all out. I havent been crying like that for months, it was like the shell just popped. All the shame, all the worries, all the pain, all the suspicions, all the guilt, all the blame, all the bad thoughts I had been thinking about her. Everything just got released to the sound of that beautiful music. And for the first time I saw everything so clearly, faced reality.

 

My ex isnt a horrible person, shes just flawed. My ex didnt leave me for another guy, my ex fell out of love with me. And the guilt shes been feeling, the shame, having a hard time forgiving herself. It was all true. I know this now because for the first time I understood something about myself, something profound.

 

For the first time I understood that Im a good guy, and that I have a good heart, and she knew this to be true. That its not my fault, that Im not to blame, that I shouldnt feel ashamed for myself, that I should forgive myself and her. I let go of all my anger and I just felt love for her, pure and unconditional love. And right now, just typing this, Im crying my eyes out.

 

 

For the first time in many many months, I felt like my old self again.

Edited January 28, 2011 by Rap17

[Rap17]

Sigh, so after the info I recieved yesterday Im getting the urge to contact her again. Seems like everything is backwards now. Im not back at day 1, but suddenly Im starting to miss her a lot again. Its like I let go of all my resentments and anger and just want to reach out to her. Ive now fully realised my part in the breakup, and I have this urge to tell her that she was right and that Im sorry for my part in it.

 

But thats never a good idea is it? I mean, is there any way of telling an ex that you miss them and understand what they thought youd never get?

 

Hearing that shes not completely over the breakup herself, Im beginning to feel like I should act soon, or miss the window of opportunity. But is that just my heart talking? Is there any way to do this that doesnt make you look like a weak person?

 

Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated. I mean, if theres a possibility she still has feelings for me in some way, wouldnt it be silly not to reach out in a mature way? Im quite sure she will never do it herself, since shes one stubborn woman. And also, since I know her, I have a feeling that she wont take the initiative like I wish she would, because shes scared of getting hurt by being reminded of what she did to me, in my presence.

 

Some words she spoke early in the breakup is playing over and over in my head. "When I see you, on one hand I want to get back together so much, but on the other hand it pains me to see you, because I cant forgive myself for the hurt I caused you by my actions"

 

This could be anything, wishy washines, letting me off easy and all that. But another thing, when we argued at christmas time, she said something else. She insinuated that I hadnt forgiven her even though I told her I did. Like she didnt trust me enough to believe it was true. This implies heavy guilt on her part. And I know that people preach not to take that guilt away from her. But what if its the only possible solution?

 

I dont know guys, and please, if Im not making any sense talk me out of doing anything. I just wonder if this could be the time to do something different, weve been broken up for a bit over 3 months now. If she still has a hard time with me being around, it has to have a reason right?

 

Let me know what you think, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

-Rap17

 

 

*EDIT* My friend just told me that a guy has asked her out and she calmly denied the request. She explained to the guy that she wasnt ready for dating, since she wasnt over the breakup yet.

 

Gah, what to do...

Edited January 28, 2011 by Rap17

[GoingInsane]

I personally wouldn't contact her. She KNOWS you miss her and would do anything for a second chance, you don't need to tell her that, yet she hasn't initiated any contact with you. Friends could be genuinely telling you things they believe to be true (as mine did), but they don't know 100% whats going on - only what she tells them.

 

I knew when I read your post 2 nights ago that you'd go back to wanting to contact her again. I did the same. A friend of mine said to me "how mnay times does she need to tell you its over?". I think the same might apply to you (sorry mate).

 

Stick with NC. Spend some time making yourself feel better - gym, out with friends, a new hobby. Find something to give your mind some respite from thinking about her (I've been sorting out my CD collection and putting stuff onto my iPod - takes ages, takes some concentration, stops me thinking). She will only say the same thing if you try to contact her again now - if she's missing you, then great. Let her miss you some more.

You can't force her into wanting you back - she needs the space and time to come to that decision herself.

[Rap17]

I personally wouldn't contact her. She KNOWS you miss her and would do anything for a second chance, you don't need to tell her that, yet she hasn't initiated any contact with you. Friends could be genuinely telling you things they believe to be true (as mine did), but they don't know 100% whats going on - only what she tells them.

 

I knew when I read your post 2 nights ago that you'd go back to wanting to contact her again. I did the same. A friend of mine said to me "how mnay times does she need to tell you its over?". I think the same might apply to you (sorry mate).

 

Stick with NC. Spend some time making yourself feel better - gym, out with friends, a new hobby. Find something to give your mind some respite from thinking about her (I've been sorting out my CD collection and putting stuff onto my iPod - takes ages, takes some concentration, stops me thinking). She will only say the same thing if you try to contact her again now - if she's missing you, then great. Let her miss you some more.

You can't force her into wanting you back - she needs the space and time to come to that decision herself.

 

 

Thanks for your reply mate and hope youre doing better.

 

Well, since Ive realised what part I played in this breakup, its become clear to me what she felt was lacking. I had to sit down and ask myself, not how she could be unfaithful to me, (trust me, spent loads of time on this), but what caused her to take the step, what she was lacking from the relationship, and put her in such a state of mind, lacking validation so badly that she made the choice to act on impulse.

 

I dont blame myself any longer, I know I was stressed and its what caused the problems from my side, but Im alright. I dont kick myself anymore for this, its just life. Ive found peace with it.

 

What Ive found is that from her perspective, (not mine but lets be realistic), I was neglecting her, didnt listen to her enough and tried to understand how she was feeling, and I honestly believe that she felt like I was leaving her. She didnt feel good enough, didnt feel loved, and I know she wanted me to show these things. She felt let down, felt like I took her for granted. I became needy and weak in her eyes.

 

So, when she asked for a break I went into shock mode, but I did succeed in writing her a mail detailing my true feelings for her. She came back for two weeks and admitted to the cheating, (I wasnt aware at all). After having asked a lot of questions she expressed that it didnt mean anything, that it was a one time thing, kissing a guy she didnt have feelings for. She felt horrible for having done it, so I forgave her after having thought about it a couple of days.

 

Then I went into clingy mode, was smothering her to some degree, tried to show her that I could be different. But I wasnt ready, cause truth be told I hadnt changed. After she broke it off, she told a mutual friend that she did it because she felt I was being too clingy, that it was too late for that and she wished I had been stronger through those last few weeks. She needed security and a firm hand, I was desperate and didnt have my emotions in check, (and who can blame me, I think many of us has been there).

 

It ended with her talking about getting into therapy and that she couldnt forgive herself, that she wasnt in love with me anymore, but still cared for me deeply, (same old song). Im beginning to believe she felt I would never validate her, that I wouldnt change back into a strong person, that she saw no future together anymore because of this. And truth be told, and not making excuses here, she does need a strong man, a guy who could take the initiative and keep her safe.

 

Now, Im ok with all of this, Im not angry or bitter anymore. Truth be told, Im really beginning to find some inner peace. No excuses for her cheating, be it emotionally or physically, but Ive come to terms with it. No matter how hard I dwell on it, I will never be able to change what happened. And I have to take responsibility for my part in the breakup, not the cheating part, but for her pulling away.

 

So, with that being said, her perception of me could is likely to be the guy who let her down, the guy who was weak, the guy she lost faith in, the guy who couldnt make her feel safe and loved. To her, Im also the guy she let down, because she betrayed my trust, she overstepped my boundaries and she feels this intense guilt because I know she loved me very much. She always wanted everyone to like her, shes so insecure about herself because of her past and honestly I cant blame her. I feel sorry for her to be honest. She told me so herself remember, "I want to be an angel". Might sound freaky to some of you, but in truth its just the words of a very very insecure person with a low self image. And I gotta admit, one of the things I loved most about her was her vulnerability. Not because it made me feel stronger, (hello codependence), but because it was very honest and it showed her heart.

 

So, thats why Im doubting things like you suggested I would Goinginsane. How do I show her that Ive learned these things? How do I communicate to an insecure person, a woman who lost faith in me and thought that I didnt care about her anymore, that I actually understand her feelings and the pain I unwillingly caused her, by staying out of sight, not reaching out to her or having any contact with her whatsoever? How do I show her that I have forgiven her? Not to bring her back, I know now that its not possible to force her to come back to me, but to finally let her know that I understand what she was trying to express to me in the final chapter of our relationship, but just couldnt?

 

Wouldnt complete NC be counter productive, when only communication could make these things clear to her?

 

If the breakup is still on her mind, then truly she would still have some lingering feelings for me. At least I know that before the problems arose, we had a very loving and trusting relationship. I dont know, from what I hear it seems she has a hard time letting go as well, but is determined to do so because of how she views me.

 

I hope my post doesnt come off as desperate. I feel like setting things straight, to also have a chance to validate her feelings. I have been selfish and paranoid through this breakup, and with good reason. But I just dont feel that way anymore. Not going to the party, and despite the lingering urge to call her, I can easily keep myself from doing it. I just want to do whats right, and Im really doubting what the best course of action.

 

Do you believe that in my case its better to distance myself further with silence and continue NC? Or could it have some merit talking to her about this? Bottom line, if lack of clear communication was the primary cause of the problems that followed, isnt it at least worth it to show her that I get it and her? Ofc, I also realise that this would be bringing up the past again, a thought Im not fond of.

 

Sigh, I just want to show her my newfound clarity. Some guides on LS mention that in order to have any hope of reconciliation in the future you should at least realise what caused the relationship to fall apart in the first place. I believe I have found the answers.

[Rap17]

Ah well, another update.

 

Might be hard to believe but I feel a LOT better these days. Im really starting to focus on myself and not so much what she thinks and does. Ofc I still miss her, but Im truly beginning to find some well deserved peace.

 

I took the advice given here and didnt go to the party last night, and man that was the best decision Ive made in a while. Ended up going out with a friend and had a blast. Got a new girls phonenumber, not interested in the slightest, but still feels good getting some attention from the opposite sex again A classmate at the party wrote once in a while and asked if we should meet up at a bar, but I lied a little bit and told him I wasnt in the area. Reason was that I figured my ex would join him and my other classmates at that place, and whole point of my evening was not to think of her and bump into her.

 

I called him up today and asked how the party went, if he had a good time and so forth. Then I got a minor setback. He told me he went to the bar, but that my ex didnt go with them, but stayed at the flat where the party was, with some other classmates. Surprised me a bit since shes all about going out these days.

 

He said that they had spoken briefly, and that she was very sad and upset. She talked to another girl at the party, another classmate, and had said how she felt really bad about herself, that she was having some mental problems and things apparently werent so great. He told me it seemed from what she said to the other girl that she didnt want to come to the bar since she was afraid she was gonna meet me there. Like she couldnt handle it. Apparently she was drunk and was crying about something. No idea if it had anything to do with me, but from what he told me I was somewhat part of the equation.

 

That set me back a bit since it tucks at my heartstrings when shes sad, and I felt this sudden urge to reach out to her again, to comfort her. So I went back and forth in my mind wheter to text her, but in the end I decided not to. What good would it do?

 

Im going to Uni tomorrow, last class before the field study begins. If I bump into her I might say hi and ask her how shes doing, nonchalantly of course.

 

Just seems that the breakup is still taking its toll on her, thats what my classmate told me from what he overheard last night. And its been more than 3 months since the breakup. Really makes me wonder if I should do anything.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Seems my situation has changed somewhat and Im actually in control, or at least has some power back. I can easily control myself now and not contact her, but I really do wonder if this is a situation where reaching out, (not in a pushy way, and no relationship talk), would be a better course of action.

 

Let me know what you think, you wonderful people

Edited January 30, 2011 by Rap17