Am I doing the right thing?

[imyuinny]

I just read and my god... it reminded me so much of my ex. Does this BPD affects men too? I've just got out from one of the most psychological intense relationship and I'm trying to recover and the traits are so similar! I still care for my ex and knowing this hurts. After reading your posts about it, what your going through is pretty much what's happening to me. The cruelty and coldness, from the abandonment issues, plus my ex has this thing of cutting himself which I could never figure out even though I tried to stop him. I've asked him to go therapy but he wouldn't.

 

Read my posts here and lemme know what you think...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t265245/

 

I can safely say that in that retrospect that I don't have BPD. About the NC, as long as you know your comfortable with talking to her and can handle the emotions, I think it really doesn't matter whether there is dignity or not in this case. But on the other hand, it may be better for you not to make the first initiative. The ball is on her court, not yours.

[Rap17]

I just read and my god... it reminded me so much of my ex. Does this BPD affects men too? I've just got out from one of the most psychological intense relationship and I'm trying to recover and the traits are so similar! I still care for my ex and knowing this hurts. After reading your posts about it, what your going through is pretty much what's happening to me. The cruelty and coldness, from the abandonment issues, plus my ex has this thing of cutting himself which I could never figure out even though I tried to stop him. I've asked him to go therapy but he wouldn't.

 

Read my posts here and lemme know what you think...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t265245/

 

I can safely say that in that retrospect that I don't have BPD. About the NC, as long as you know your comfortable with talking to her and can handle the emotions, I think it really doesn't matter whether there is dignity or not in this case. But on the other hand, it may be better for you not to make the first initiative. The ball is on her court, not yours.

 

 

Well, Im no expert on personality disorders, but atm Im working as a social with people who have some of these disorders, including a couple of BPD´s with schizofrenic behaviour, so Ive been gaining some more insight recently. Thing to remember is that we all carry symptoms of some, or all of the disorders, its part of being human. To some however, the symptoms are so severe that they begin to affect behaviour and life in a big way. In my limited experience, if your ex has a tendancy to cut himself, its a big red flag. Some of the BPD´s I work with have cut themselves in the past, to cope with their self image issues.

 

Be warned though. Only a trained professional can diagnose BPD, and many times, (which might be in my case too), its the "horoscope effect" thats playing tricks on us. What I mean by that is, often times when you read your horoscope it usually fits exactly on your situation, same with a thing like BPD. Again, its because we all carry a lot of the symptoms to a lesser degree. In the case of my ex though, she has a lot of BDP symptoms, but Im not sure its nearly enough to regard her as such, thats also why Ive been talking about suspecting her of having mild BPD only. On the other hand, when were emotional, desperate and heartbroken, we tend to seek answers in any way we can, if there has not been closure. My ex does truly feel guilt and remorse, (perhaps in a selfish way, perhaps not), something which BPD´s arent known to do. So, Im beginning to believe she doesnt have it, although rest assured she has issues of abandonment, self worth, amongst others, along with great insecurity.

 

You know all the wishy washiness, all the excuses. "I need to find myself", "I dont know who I am", "youre too good for me" and all that crap. Well, in my situation I think it actually might be true somewhat, although Im fully aware that she first and foremost broke up with me because she lost faith in what we had and that I could change, therefore losing romantic feelings for me.

 

I think what someone posted in this thread is dead on. A woman in her early twenties, young and a bit naive, and hasnt been outside a relationship practically her entire adult life, has no clue what she wants or who she really is. Add to that the issues she has and you cant win, unless communication is really good.

 

And yeah I think youre right about the NC. I need to keep letting her having the initiative, its for the best. Will just keep up the nonchalant and positive attitude when I meet her at Uni, and then hope that she will contact me again. I have a feeling she will, we really split on good terms this past wednesday. But also, her realising I still have feelings for her might keep her from contacting me at all. Like I told her wednesday, Im responsible for my feelings, and youre responsible for yours. I cant make her feel differently romantically, I can only try to make her feel safe around me and then just work to become a better "me".

 

And I am feeling much better. Im still a bit thin, my diet and sleep patterns have been a mess for months now. But Ive begun eating healthy food again, and sticking with a regular, daily diet. Fixed up my place and Im going out with friends a lot, when Im not busy with work. The color is returning to my cheeks so to speak.

 

Yesterday, I stopped and looked in the mirror and I was surprised. Im not back to my old self physically yet, will take a month or two. But for the first time since forever I took a look at myself, and truly believed that Im actually not a bad looking guy. I just need a bit of work Thats not to sound arrogant, but it made me happy. Not because of how I look, but how I percieve myself. It means my confidence is returning in a big way, and trust me, when Im confident theres nothing I cant do if I really want it. I have always had a winners mentality, (which can also be a curse at times), but right now its exactly where I need to be mentally.

[Rap17]

Hey all, no update this time but I think I need some advice.

 

So, our mutual friend wants me to come to the bar at Uni this friday, and its all good. I want to go and just have fun. He told me my ex will be going as well, (already knew this from our class group on facebook), and I think I can handle it just fine. Our last meetup went alright, and Im getting used to this nonchalant approach, although I still want her. Thankfully, Ive said my peace and she knows how I feel about her, which oddly enough puts me in a position thats more easy to handle. No games, no faking it, I can just be myself and not initiate contact with her.

 

Heres the problem though.

 

For those of you who have read the entire thread and know about the "other guy". Im positive hes gonna be there, theres no doubt in my mind he will. And while I cant know for certain that my ex has, or is involved with him, heres the kicker. While I have forgiven her for having cheated on me with another guy, I have in no way forgiven the "other guy" for anything at all, and theres no chance in hell Im ever going to. As far as Im concerned he participated in destroying the relationship for his own selfish reasons.

 

Now, something I havent told you since I didnt think it would matter, but now it kinda does in the context. Three weeks ago I went to the Uni bar with the mutual friend, and while my ex wasnt there, the other guy was. Prior to this I didnt care about him at all anymore, my view of him was that he was a scumbag that didnt deserve any attention or emotional response from me in the slightest. Then we get there and we go through the doorway, my friend goes first so hes blocking my view. Someone says hi to him, and when I enter its the other guy standing there. When he saw me I took him completely by surprise, and instantly I felt this huge anger build up inside me. Im sure he could tell from the way I looked at him that I dont think highly of him. In the bar we sat down in some couches and a girl from our class came over, the one who the other guy supposedly has feelings for. Well, he stood in the bar the entire time we were there, looking over his shoulder at us once in a while. My friend laughed and remarked that he believed he was too scared to come and sit with us, and on the inside this made me feel so good. Dont get me wrong I would never hurt a fly, but this guy, I get extremely angry when I see him. I seriously loathe him with all of my being.

 

Regarding this friday, my friend told me that if the other guy would be there, that we would just sit in the other side of the room and ignore him completely. And if it was too much we could go to my friends place to drink some beers, where my ex is invited too. He told me that there was no way the other guy could come along, (I dont know if my ex would approve since she regards him so highly), since Im a friend and hes there for me, backing me all the way. This made me feel good since my ex thinks highly of our mutual friend too, she actually mentioned last wednesday that she does, strictly in a platonic way mind you.

 

So my question is, do I go? I really want to, but Im afraid my nights going to be ruined if I see the other guy, and especially if I see him socializing with my ex. I get this feeling in my stomach, wanting to punch his lights out.

 

Understand, that going to the same bar as my ex is not what I consider breaking NC at this point. We can both be there without me interacting with her, except for saying a quick hello and give her a smile. Also understand, that I would never make a scene or do something stupid, but Im doubting what would be the best course of action here. One part of me is telling me to just be strong and not let him affect my mood, since in my mind he doesnt deserve the attention. Another part of me harbors so much resentment for this guy that the sight of him might make me so pissed off I wont have any fun. One things for sure, I dont want to drop the nonchalance, not for myself and not infront of my ex either, but if he wants to come sit with us Im definantly gonna tell him hes not welcome, no matter if my ex is there or not.

 

What do you guys think? I dont want this guy to have any power over me whatsoever, and ironically I could be put in a position where I can show everyone, including my ex, that he doesnt. Im truly believe Im the better man and I want to be in control. But man, I really, truly hate his guts. Funny. Last wednesday my ex told me that she felt so guilty for having hurt me, and that Im such a good person.

 

When thinking of that guy I dont feel like a good or honorable person at all. I just want to break his damn neck, (not litteraly).

[Rap17]

Sorry if I seem a bit impatient or not grateful, cause thats truly not the case. LS has done wonders for me over these past months. But I could really use some perspective on how to handle tomorrow evening, Its getting close :/

[Rap17]

Hmm, sitting here at late hours and reading a bit and something just occured to me. My ex has not been initiating contact with me after we broke up, only once on facebook and then a couple of times through mutual firends, who all advised her to leave me alone since I was hurting. The few meetups weve had, including wednesday, she has always brought up the fact that she feels guilty for treating me the way she did. Ive invited her to my msn friends list, even made her aware that I would, but she hasnt accepted, even after last week. When weve spoken in person over the months post breakup, shes either been upset with me or crying, and me ending up comforting her. She even told me some months ago that she cant look at me the same way again, that she feels it will take a long time for her to forgive herself, if ever. Whenever she hasnt cried in my presence, which she did wednesday as well, shes always had this facade and things have been weird. At Uni shes basically been ignoring me for weeks.

 

Now I guess the first thought that comes to mind is "yeah shes doing all that to ease her guilt, to get off cheap" and so on. Then it hit me.

 

It hurts my ex seeing me. Shes hurting bad whenever Im around. My presence truly makes her feel guilty, so shes running away. But last wednesday she told me she had needed for me to be there post breakup, (even though Ive only been a phonecall away), and shed some tears over it. Im sure it wasnt to make me feel guilty, but she mentioned that she was afraid I was angry at her, that I hated her or something. But still said she cared a lot for me.

 

Sigh, why on earth would she be so adamant in avoiding me if she has no feelings for me at all? Someone has mentioned that she seems confused, which I guess is true. But I mean, her behaving like this after four months? I dont know, somethings not right. She said that she felt bad, that she never hurt anyone as deeply as she did me, and that Im such a good person. After having forgiven her for kissing another guy, why still all this guilt? It doesnt make sense to me. I gather that either theres something shes has not told me, or perhaps that she still does harbor feelings for me in some twisted way.

 

It could also just be a sign that NC/LC has worked and its taken an emotional toll on her. I mean seriously, why sit there and cry in my arms if she strictly has platonic feelings in the mix?

 

Haha man, one meetup and the brain goes into overdrive again. Dont worry though, Im ok. Ive decided to go to the bar tomorrow and try to have fun, although its confirmed that the other guy is going to be there, (I knew he would, he always is). Man Im just confused right now. How can she be so emotional around me, and then the next minute act like she doesnt give me a second thought.

 

Is this normal? Is it normal for the dumper to hurt when with the dumpee, four months after the breakup?

Edited February 24, 2011 by Rap17

[Rap17]

Damn, Im on a roll tonight. Gotta write this stuff down. I appologize for ranting

 

So, the situation.

 

We had an amazing and loving relationship. Then I slowly succumb to stress and begin to close myself off. She begins to feel like I dont appreciate her like I used to. Sex starts to dwindle although were still together a lot. So, after months pass she starts to talk to other people about how shes having a hard time, not mentioning it to me at all. In fact, she begins to feel stressed as well. Coincidently, I overhear her talking to this other guy, a guy who validates her because he wants to get in her pants, even though she naivly just thinks he wants to be her friend. And he suggest that Im not the right guy for her. I confront her with it, set a boundary, and things turn for the better, or so I thought.

 

The following couple of months I begin to relieve myself of the stress, by taking on less responsibilites, not going out as much and cutting down on my work load. This ends with my ex and me not being in the same exams group, even though she wanted to. I asked her if it was ok, she said yes. But unknown to me, her stress has not dissapeared, and now she starts distancing herself from me. I figure, hey no problem, exams will be over in a few weeks then well be together like in the old days. Im getting better and all will be well, we still exchange "I love you´s", kissing and all that.

 

Then she asks for a break. I dont accept and asks her to either break up or not, and she does. A week passes and were back together, after a long talk where she admits shes cheated on me oncewith another guy whom Ive not met. That shes having issues and perhaps she needs professional help. I forgive her, we get back together for two weeks and I do all I can to correct what problems my stress have caused. But she ends up breaking up with me again, comes as a complete shock. Says she doesnt feel the same way.

 

All the begging, pleading, sending, sending letters etc. happens. I can tell shes still attracted to me, but I cant win her over. So I stop and go into LC. After a month we talk, and she brings up her issues. Childhood/teen family issues causing her to have no self worth, fears of abandonment and feelings of not being good enough. Signs of her messing around with another guy, seemingly the one who spoke to her earlier. Im shellshocked but I dont confront her with what I suspect, she will deny anything.

 

Some talks and arguments later and we get to last wednesday, four months post breakup, only been in LC, with 3-4 weeks in between contact. I validate her, telling her that I now understand why she hurt in the relationship, and that I can see, with the issues she has, how it could affect her that way. See, I understood that she felt I abandoned her and didnt appreciate her, but also that I still feel like I didnt do anything wrong, since I never had those intentions, and it was all just in her mind.

 

She agrees with me. She tells me that she can see Ive returned to my former self, (the guy she fell in love with), that its her issues that caused her to cheat and percieve things the way she did, and that shes become aware of it. That she cares a lot for me and seemingly wants my friendship. I tell her I still have feelings, but that I want to start fresh with her, as friends.

 

Heres the thing though. She broke up with me because I wasnt strong enough to be there for her, (her words), and so she fell out of love. But since then, shes realised that it wasnt me at all, but her own issues that caused her to be hurt and behave like she did. Now she recognizes that Im back to my old self, that Im the guy she loved beyond anything. She has lost a bit of respect for me because of how I behaved post breakup, but thats all she really blames me for, (or at least thats what it seems like). She still has the issues, but shes seemingly trying to work on herself.

 

So, how on earth can it be that she doesnt want to give the relationship another shot? Its like some kind of conspiracy, Roswell aliens and all that stuff.

 

-Things are not what they used to be, youre not the same guy you used to be

 

-nice guys tell me youre not it for me

 

-Im hurting so I break up with you, I have issues from my past

 

-I blame you for not being there enough and for not paying attention to what I need, even though I didnt tell you about it

 

-But oh, I have those issues so Ill have to look into those

 

-Ive realised that you werent to blame after all, it was me all along because of my issues

 

-Ah, youre back to being the guy I fell in love with, but I dont want a relationship with you anymore

 

 

Can anyone tell me how this makes any sense? Im almost sitting here laughing out loud because its so ironic. Shes getting loads of attention from guys now, (remember, good for her lack of self worth), so much so that she even complains about it. Guess I wasnt so special afterall huh?

 

I dont mean to sound bitter or upset, Im really not. But when I break it down like this, it almost seems silly.

[Rap17]

Update and well, may very well be the last one I make. I dont know, but it seems that after this friday there wont be much else to post here.

 

I messed up.

 

I went to the Uni bar friday and the first thing I saw upon entering the room was my ex playing pool with the "other guy". She was laughing and he seemed to be flirting with her. Great start. She didnt even see me. I went to the table where my other classmates and friends were, I sat down and our mutual friend tells me that theyve been making fun of the other guy behind his back. It seems that noone at the table could stomach him, and all they wanted was for him to leave. They let me know this, and while I didnt feel like talking about him, I must admit it made me feel a bit better knowing I wasnt the only one who doesnt like him.

 

So, I talked to people, had some beers and had fun. Tried not to let the other guy bother me. A guy was there whom I hadnt seen for months, he motioned me to follow him outside and we talked. Havent spoken to him since before the breakup, and he asked how I was and that he was surprised what had happened. Then he mentioned the other guy and said he couldnt stand him. I told him that I felt the same way, and that I felt he had interferred with our relationship and I resented him for it. He asked if he had flirted with my ex, and I said I wasnt sure. He then told me what this guy is like, that he has no social skills and is a pain in the ass, hitting on girls in distress and all that. I already knew this, still it surprised me that practically noone but my ex liked the guy. Also, it was quite satisfying that it seemed I was right about him all along.

 

So, the evening went along and we had a great time, I just acted calmly and nonchalant and got a buzz from the beers. Just hanging with the guys and being myself and all that.

 

So, for those of you who have read my posts these past weeks you know that my ex came to my place last week and we talked. She said she still cared for me and insinuated that she had missed me being around. I also told her I still have feelings for her, but that I just wanted for us to start over, a fresh start as friends or whatever. We agreed on taking the exams together in a group in half a year and it was a good night. We broke the ice a bit, and even though she was surprised I wasnt completely over her, it was still alright. No expectations, just said what I needed to say, took my part of the responsibility for the breakup and it was nice.

 

So how did she act in the bar? Well, she avoided me somewhat. I didnt go to her, didnt pressure anything, but when we made eye contact she just looked away and didnt come over to say hi. This bothered me a whole lot, since things were supposed to be somewhat normal after our last meetup, at least in my mind. Then at one point I stood in the bar, talking to the guy I mentioned before, and then something caught my attention. The "other guy" went to the bathroom, then 1 mins later my ex left her seat and went out the door as well. I asked him if he noticed and he said yes. I thought about it for a second, then I said "I need to know". He nodded, and I went out the door. I was determined to see if they were together, and for those who have read this entire thread you know why that is.

 

So, I went up to the bathrooms, and to my surprise my ex leaves the toilet just when I got there. She wasnt with him, he went somewhere else, she just needed to go bathroom. So, Im standing there and she is in a hurry to go past me and back to the bar, seemingly trying to avoid me again. So I said hi, she smiled and said hi back. Then I repeated "Erm HI", she turned around, came close to me and gave me a big hug. I told her I liked how she smelled, and she said it must be her new perfume. I told her I liked it, she smiled then headed back to the bar.

 

So, I was relieved. Contact for the night made in a good fashion, and they werent standing around making out or something like that. So I guess they werent together after all, still they spent a lot of time together at the bar and stuff, and I hated every second of it. There was no way I could be sure, it just felt out of place. Anyways, my ex didnt come over to speak to me, and I didnt want to go speak to her. I was there just to have fun, and I didnt want to appear needy. Still, it bothered me. Starting over on good terms, and then she couldnt even approach me.

 

So, at one point our mutual friend comes over and tells me that he had just spoken to her, and he told her that it wasnt right that her and I wasnt speaking together like normal people, that he just wanted ro all of us to have fun. He was drunk, and I told him that he didnt have to tell her those things. But he said that she told him that she did really want to speak to me and have fun with me in the bar, so he mentioned that it was all good. Still, she didnt approach me, didnt talk to me, didnt back her words up with anything.

 

So, I messed up. At 1 am the bar was closing down and most people had left. I was really drunk and then I saw her standing all alone, helping with closing down the place. I approached her and told her that I needed to talk with her, that I wanted to ask her something. She agreed, we sat down and then I said:

 

"xxxx I have been told some stuff from other people, heard stuff. I have also seens some things myself, so I want to ask you about it in person, instead of believing rumors and gossip." Yes? "Have you been with the other guy?". I told her what people had told me, what they had seen, some indications that they had been together, and I told her I just needed to know. She told me no and then she started asking about who had said what etc. I told her what I had heard and seen, (minus the faceook thing ofc), and she made it clear that there were nothing between them and there never was, that they were just good friends and so on. Then she started to ask me about who said what, and whom I had been speaking to. Honeslt I dont remember much of what was said here, but I didnt say it in a bad way. Thing is, this question has been eating me up for four months now, and it was time to get it out of the way. I remember her saying something about how she was glad that I came to her and asked her directly.

 

Then I told her I had something else I wanted to say, and from here things went completely crazy. I still dont know what the hell happened, but I guess I must have made a mistake. I told her how it was weird for me that she was still trying to avoid me, after we talked last week. That it was weird that she wouldnt initiate any contact with me, when all I really wanted was just for us to be normal around eachother, and I also said what our mutual friend said. That if she wanted to talk to me, and she said she cared for me, then why not just do it? Why still avoid me, or ignore me? Why couldnt she just back her words up with actions, instead of saying one thing and then doing another? I told her it was confusing to me and something to that extent. I guess I kinda went off on a rant, not an angry one, but I wa a bit frustrated and I just wanted to understand if it was hard for her to be around me still.

 

Then I turn around and our mutual friend is sitting on the table, he had heard most of the conversation, hadnt noticed him until then. He wanted for me to come to this other bar, but I told him that he could go on, Id catch up. I just wanted to finish the conversation with my ex. Then I saw the look on his face, and he looked worried and it really surprised me. Then I turned my head and looked at my ex. She was at the boiling point, she was sitting there staring at the floor, ready to explode. So, I tried to continue the conversation but then she said in an angry tone that she didnt want to talk anymore. I tried to calm her down, then all hell broke lose. She stood up and hurried out of the room, knocking off chairs from left to right on her way out. Everyone that was left in the bar just froze and looked in awe at what transpired.

 

I was completely shell shocked. But yeah I was very drunk and my emotions got the best of me. I asked our mutual friend today what I had said to upset her so much, and he said he didnt know. But that I had appeared like I was pressuring her a bit, and had looked needy. A drunken fool so to speak, and yeah I feel so damn stupid. But this isnt the end of it Im afraid.

 

So, I follow my friend and another mate outside, I told them how shocked I was. Then I sat myself on a bench, and I just cried. This wasnt the reaction I expected from her at all, I really just wanted to be honest with her and ask her these things in person, instead of playing the guessing game nad letting it tear me up on the inside. In hindsight I can now see that the best thing I could have done was to do nothing at all, but I guess I couldnt control myself when drunk. I never had this problem before, but with her its different sigh.

 

So, they wanted me to follow them. Then I said no, I have to speak to her one final time. I dont think its right she should be so angry about this, so Im going to find her and try to repair this somehow. So I went into the bar again, and she was there, getting her things and getting ready to leave. I approached her, and then she did something so disrespectful that I find it odd that I even kept up with it. She looked me in the eyes and gave me the middle finger. I tried to reason with her in a calm manner, but she walked hastily around with me at her side and kept turning to face me when I would speak to her, each time giving me the finger like I was complete trash. I ignored it and was insistant. When she left the bar I followed, still trying to talk to her, then it appeared she cooled down after I tried to explain why I asked her those things. No ill will, no hurtful intentions etc.

 

So, we spoke. And she was very cold. It was raining and I was standing there, looking like a drowned puppy, all soaked and feeling like crap. I tried to act like calmly and not desperate, but I think it was too late. I didnt want to play games, and thats also the reason I asked her those things. I just wanted honesty, nothing more.

 

So we spoke about the other guy, and she told me he had problems and she had been his friend, and that he had helped her too. I told her that it bothered me that she had said that she had needed me to be around after the breakup, said she card and all that, and then not acted upon it. I was just a phonecall away, why was it so hard? That I had taken all the initiative, and all I wanted was just for her to reach out to me for once. She explained that it was too difficult because feelings were involved between her and me. I said sure, I have feelings in the mix, but I still just wanted a fresh start. I asked if there was feelings for her too, and I got a vague answer. I honestly cant recall if she said yes or no, I dont think she gave me a real answer anyways, just some wishy washy response. She told me she had lost a lot of respect for me after the text I sent her at the christmas party back in december, where I told her how I had told our mutual friend about her having cheated on me, and that it had been part of her reason for breaking up with me, the guilt thing. So I guess she still harbors resentment from the past, even though weve talked it through numerous times, and she understood I had told her out of respect, not out of ill intent.

 

When I mentioned the thing about wanting her to take some intitiative towards me, as a friend ofc, she replied that she did. That she went to my place last week. I responded that it was still me intitiating the contact, so it had still been me. She said how she had been happy about our meetup, and that she had been thinking about calling me one of these days, but that now things were different because of our conversation this night. She said that I wasnt myself around her, that she was changing andthat I had been arrogant when I asked to talk to her back at the bar. Arrogant? Maybe I appeared that way because I was drunk, maybe I was cocky, I dont know. But I have never been in an arrogant state of mind with her at all, but if that was her perception of me it was really hurtful. Sigh, I was just trying to do the right thing, for me and for our relations with eachother. I was just trying to make things normal, so we could be in the same room without the distancing. Regardless of my feelings, just as friends, as two people who genuinly care for eachother, even if I have stronger feelings than she does.

 

So, I said "xxxx, its hard for me to hear you say that you care for me deeply, then the next minute you try to avoid me, making me feel like you dont care much at all. How do you expect me to react?" She said she didnt expect anything. Then I said "Ok then. Then just help me here, just be honest with me and tell me like it is. If its because you dont care about me anymore just say it, just tell it to me straight, I just want to know. If you dont care for me anymore, just tell me" At this point Im quite sure I had puppy eyes and appeared like a pathetic guy.

 

She seemed surprised for a second, then she stared coldly into my eyes and said:

 

"I dont care for you anymore".

 

She jumped on her bike and said "We will see how it will be in half a year", I turned around and walked home.

 

 

Four months post breakup and I go and do something stupid like this. I had been going so well about things, had taken some risks and tried to bridge the gap between us. Then I get drunk and pressure her, acting needy and smothering, then give her some kind of ultimatum. Im such a fool and Im embarassed. There was no need for her to cause a scene in the bar or giving me the finger straight to my face. Thats so childish Its unbelievable, even though I was a drunken idiot. If anyone else had acted that way towards me Id have been pissed off, but I didnt get angry when she did it. I dont know, its like my boundaries become non exsistent in her presence. Shes so angry with me now and I guess Ive destroyed everything. Ofc, that didnt prevent me from phoning her three times today, the third time leaving her a message asking her to call me back when she got it.

 

She hasnt called or responded in any way.

 

Im sitting here, sober and full of regret. I havent cried today, I havent been overly depressed. I just have this empty feeling inside. Sigh, I pressured her into saying she doesnt care about me, and maybe its the truth now. And just last week I was holding her in my arms while she was crying and I finally made her feel somewhat safe with me again. Now, shes has shut me out completely. I dont know, I try to follow my heart, be honest with her and just say it like it is. And every time I do it ends up with her resenting me even more. Last night, the person I hold most dear in this world gave me the finger, looked at me like I was worthless to her, and told me she doesnt respect me.

 

And Im left feeling numb.

 

 

-Rap

[Downtown]

Rap, as I've said before, her 180 degree turns in the space of 15 seconds sure sounds like black-white thinking to me. Moreover, it is absurd that she cheated on you and then expressed such outrage over your being so bold as to talk about it with your close friend -- trying to make you look like the one who had betrayed your relationship with her. And what the h*ll is all her talk about having "issues" and never telling you specifically what those issues are? My view, as before, is that you are so much better off without her -- and that you should work on your codependency to avoid getting snared with another woman like her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude I can tell that you have done a ton of introspective work on yourself! Yes you still have co-dependency issues, I can tell because I have them too. It's like trying to figure out who we are by the reactions of the people closest to us. What you did really wasn't that bad at all, seriously. You asked her a basic question after she has been mind-****ing you for months.

 

The problem with being co-dependent and defining ourselves by other people's actions us that if they treat us badly or do something bad, we feel bad or like we are bad. Her rejecting you makes you feel like you did something wrong or are something wrong, whether or not have or been something wrong.

 

Really really try to build your self-esteem by knowing that you went above and beyond for someone who's behaviors are NOT a reflection of you in any way.

 

I have just had to learn this lesson the hard way.

[Rap17]

Rap, as I've said before, her 180 degree turns in the space of 15 seconds sure sounds like black-white thinking to me. Moreover, it is absurd that she cheated on you and then expressed such outrage over your being so bold as to talk about it with your close friend -- trying to make you look like the one who had betrayed your relationship with her. And what the h*ll is all her talk about having "issues" and never telling you specifically what those issues are? My view, as before, is that you are so much better off without her -- and that you should work on your codependency to avoid getting snared with another woman like her.

 

Thats true Downtown, but I think in this case I just didnt notice that she was turning red because I was so drunk. I dont know if she turned around that quickly. But something else came to my attention today. My friend was there when I broke down outside, then the "other guy" passed us and threw a remark. I couldnt remember since its all been a haze, but apparently he passed us, saw that I was miserable, then turned to my friend and said "someone here could use more drinks". It was directed at me, and apparently I told him he was an ******* and told him to get lost. Thats not like me at all, but I do loathe the guy.

 

The reason she blew up over me telling my friend about the cheating is because hes a mutual friend, weve done most of our exams together as a group, her, our mutual friend and me. Remember she has little confidence in herself, so shes worried sick what other people think of her. Still, her reaction was incredibly childish, and she excused it with being drunk as well. One thing is acting dumb because youre drunk, another is to throw a scene. But shes always been a drama queen, thats what our mutual friend told me. Ive seen it at times but never this bad, and never directed towards me in this way. But yeah, youre right in that she does try to pin blame on me for my missteps, even though theyre not that bad when I think about it. She reacts that way when Im honest and trying to set boundaries, but because I was so drunk I put too much pressure on her. Thats not excusing her behaviour, its just admitting that my timing is horrible at times. So, Im not going near her anymore when Ive had too much alcohol.

 

Her issues, from her own mouth, is that of her ex ex boyfriend treating her badly during her teens, and some stuff I dont know about in detail with the boyfriend that came before me. Also, she has the mother/father issues, fear of abandonment, no self esteem and lack of confidence. Most of all shes worried sick what rumors are around about her,and what people think of her.

 

And Im workiing on it mate. Doing much better, and my confidence is definantly improving. But I still have a soft spot for her, I do love her, and that all came out when I had too much to drink. Disregarding this incident I have had much more control over myself than I had several months ago.

[Rap17]

Dude I can tell that you have done a ton of introspective work on yourself! Yes you still have co-dependency issues, I can tell because I have them too. It's like trying to figure out who we are by the reactions of the people closest to us. What you did really wasn't that bad at all, seriously. You asked her a basic question after she has been mind-****ing you for months.

 

The problem with being co-dependent and defining ourselves by other people's actions us that if they treat us badly or do something bad, we feel bad or like we are bad. Her rejecting you makes you feel like you did something wrong or are something wrong, whether or not have or been something wrong.

 

Really really try to build your self-esteem by knowing that you went above and beyond for someone who's behaviors are NOT a reflection of you in any way.

 

I have just had to learn this lesson the hard way.

 

Im getting to a point where Im not letting define myself anymore in a big way, but she somehow has the power to make me feel that way when Im weak. Im aware I havent done much wrong, and shes aware of it too. But I guess thats why she keeps bringing up the couple of times where I used poor judgement and blow them out of proportion. Its because theres nothing else to really blame me for, shes realised this because shes become more aware of her own personal issues and her own flaws. But I also will admit when I dont think before I act, and thats happened a couple of times now. But never meant in a harmful way, and Ive never abused her verbally or given her hell. Objectivly, the question I asked, and apparently pressured her with, was for my own sanity. I had to know, and frankly Im still not sure shes telling the truth. But now, at least I have put myself in a spot where she knows it will have consequences for our future work together, if she indeed is lying. She will lose me if shes fooling around with that guy, and she knows I will lose all the respect I have left for her if shes lying about it, and it becomes official at one point.

 

So, either shes telling the truth and that theyve just become really close friends, (which I loathe as well, since hes replaced me in that role also). Or shes hiding it from me and everyone else at Uni, since she knows what people will think and how I will react to it. See, we do have an agreement that we will work on exams together when were back from the field, in 5 months. But if shes lying I will simply never be involved with her in any way again, she will become nothing to me. Reason is, that it will confirm the suspicions I had ever since the breakup and what lead up to it, which will mean she has been lying for half a year or more.

 

I might be codependant, but even I have limits. And if shes lying about it I will regard it as the ultimate betrayal. You know what the worst thing is though? If shes lying, everything Ive suspected, seen, heard from rumors etc.,

 

It will all make sense. All of it. Thats the scary part. I dont know if its my fears talking or if my gut feeling is right. I dont know what to trust. So, I had my answer and Ill regard it as the truth. Should she suddenly officially be with him, then I know shes been lying all along, it wont just be a "oh it happened several months later" thing. No way thats possible.

 

Yeah, my self esteem has taken a huge hit, but Im still much better than two months ago. Im embarassed of how I handled this, should never have asked her about these things when drunk, I lost control and for that I feel like a fool. But had I been sober, my questions and concerncs would have been the same. Id just have been able to present them more delicatly.

 

Still, it doesnt excuse her behaviour. And for the first time Ive actually realised that Im starting to lose a lot of respect for her. I might have lost control again for a couple of hours, but I feel like I have more of my power back as well. Setting boundaries actually feels good, I just wish I could have done it under better conditions.

 

Also, surprisingly, I have a small update on the situation. Will post it later tonight, or tomorrow.

[Rap17]

So, the update.

 

As expected she didnt return my calls saturday. I talked to a very good friend, one Ive been leaning on through all of this. He told me to wait for a response for a full day, and if none came, then write her a short mail, (no more than five lines or so), and tell her that I regretted how things ended up friday night. Nonchalant but caring. Then he told me that it had to be my final step, that if she didnt respond then no matter what Id had to let go of her completely, cause he believed she would start to resent me.

 

So, I thought about what to write sunday, then came to the conclusion that writing a short message was out of the question. It would be too easy for her to hide behind a screen somewhere. I then made a choice. I thought about what my friend had told me, then I figured that I would give her one last call, only one, and if no response then I would stay away for good. No more calls, no more intiative, no more contact unless unavoidable, such as the few days we go back to Uni in march and later in may.

 

So I called her up. She responded.

 

I kept calm and was polite, and I started of by asking why she got so upset when we spoke, and how the situation had been for her. She told me she had felt pressured and that she was very dissapointed in me, that she got very upset and then had gone to the restroom and broke down crying. She told me it had been very uncomfortable. She also said that she hadnt responded to my calls saturday because she was too upset to talk to me. I told her that if she had phoned me or picked up in an upset state, that Id probably just suggest we talk some other time when things had cooled down, then hung up. She told me she was still upset about it, but that she had cooled down somewhat.

 

We talked back and forth. I appologized for my drunken approach, but told her that the questions I asked her was still legit, and that Id have asked her even if sober. I also told her that I felt she had overreacted, and that I it wasnt alright just giving me the finger like that. She didnt appologize but she did say that she reacted that particular way because she too was drunk. Its very hard to get her to admit mistakes at this point, she has too much ego in the way I think. Still, I made it clear that I didnt like how she reacted as well.

 

Then she mentioned she still had a hard time, that the relation between us was hard since I still had feelings for her. Her distancing from me friday night, not talking to me, was just because she didnt really have anything to talk to me about (Yeah right, but who cares). She told me about some guy hitting on her in the bar, and she suggested that maybe it had bothered me. I told her that I didnt even notice it, that it was none of my buisness, that my problem was with the "other guy". She then told me that it wasnt my buisness what she did in her private life, even though she still seemed like nothing was going on with him. Again I agreed and told her that I knew, but that it was different with the other guy cause he had ties back into our relationship, and it would make a big difference to me (Big mistake). She replied, "what difference?". I quickly recouperated and said, "Because it would make me upset". I know, not the greatest reply, but at least I didnt throw any dirt. Seems like she got it by her reply. She also said that they had grown close friends, and that it had been hard on her during our relationship because I had been jealous when he had been around, so it had been hard for her to talk to him, since I didnt like it. (I didnt bite, didnt respond to this, although I think what she said is unbelievable. If youve read my story youll know why).

 

Then she told me that she had a hard time understanding how I could still have feelings for her and she seemed pretty flattered by it, and I told her that I couldnt just turn off the switch. but that I was in a happier place and that I was moving on. I told her that I meant it when I had said that I didnt want to get back into the relationship with her, that if for some mystical reason we had the opportunity to get back together again, that it would have to be a new relationship, starting from scratch. She told me she wanted to start over again, just like when we met. As friends, (thats how we started back then). At this point it seemed her mood improved a little bit. She said that she just wished I could be happy and find someone else, a pause, then "erm...someone else whos like me" then she giggled a little bit. I didnt respond to this, what on earth was I going to say? I kinda went into disbelief for a second when she said that, and not in a very good way. But I kept my cool and we continued to talk calmly.

 

Then she started talking about having trouble with a female friend, how her friend had gotten a boyfriend now and then she didnt have enough time for her. I listened, then told her that I meant no disrespect, but my view was that my ex would sometimes let things get to her too much, that maybe her friend was just busy with her new relationship, that it had nothing to do with my ex. That things arent always so black and white. She said that maybe I was right, that she would have to see how it would develop, but that she would have to confront her friend about it if things didnt change.

 

I cut the convo short and told her I had to go, (I actually did), but that I meant what I had said when drunk, that I wanted for her to take some initiative towards me sometimes, just come to me and say hi for once, or invite me over for a cup of coffee if she liked. I also told her that I didnt expect it to be tomorrow, next week or sometime soon. She insinuated that it was a possibility, but she responded with "it would depend on many things".

 

I dont what those "things" are, I didnt ask. Didnt inquire about it.

 

Then this tuesday, it was time to go back at Uni for a couple of classes. She was there, and we had a lecture in the auditorium. The other guy was there too, and when he passed me he looked like a deer in headlights. I just ignored him completely.

 

In the break I went for coffe, and I bumped into my ex at the cantina. She was just infront of me in the line and I didnt notice until it was too late. Anyway, she poured me a cup of coffee and handed it over. We small talked, just exchanged a few comments, then went back to the auditorium. On our way there we met a classmate, the one I have been sparring with for the field studies. She praised me right in front of my ex, telling me how she could tell from what my councellor had said at a meeting we were at, that I was doing unbeliavably well in the field and that it seemed like my councellor had been ecstatic to have me there. My ex stopped and listened to this and stayed silent. I cant tell you guys how great it felt to have a, actually very beautiful woman, praising me like that in front of her. And on top of this someone that my ex respects a lot for her abilities, shes top of the class.

 

At some point we were divided into groups of three, had to discuss some small assignment. After that my group went back to the auditorium. We were the only ones there, but we talked for 15 mins or so, had a great discussion going about the subject matter. During the discussion, my ex entered together with her group. I overheard that they asked her if she was going home now. She replied she was but that she just had to pack her things first, her laptop etc.

 

So, my ex went to her seat while her group left. But instead of packing her stuff, she began to sit at her laptop and read mail etc, and she sat there for quite a while, like she was waiting for something. I then noticed at the top of the stairs, the door to the projector room was open and inside it was pitch black. At some point I could swear I heard sounds coming from the room, like someone was in there. My group broke up and before I left I said goodbye to my ex, she said bye but paid little attention to me.

 

When I left the auditorium she was all alone, and I swear it was like she was waiting for something. Then I remembered what happened in january. That I had bumped into her and the other guy at Uni, and when they had noticed me he had quickly remarked that she should go to the auditorium since he had "something he wanted her to see". It all seemed very awkward, and she had been surprised by what he said, while still smiling and following him around like a dog on a leash.

 

I guess you can see where Im going. Call me paranoid or dellusional, but my gut tells me he was in that room. Theres a window with shudders, so you can easily see if someone is coming from far away.

 

My gut also tells me, that the "things" she mentioned is another guy, perhaps shes waiting to see how things develop if there is one. Worst of all, my gut tells me that shes secretly seeing this "other guy", because then everything would make sense. Her still having huge issues of guilt, her telling me she has never hurt anyone like she hurt me, (telling me this four months post breakup and still crying about it), how she acts when theyre around eachother, and how they seat themselves apart when they see me there. How she can be open and honest with me when were alone, then distance herself from me and ignore me when hes around. How she has doubts about me, how she wont make any initiative even though she tells me she still cares a lot for me. All this might just be me seeing things that arent there, or specualting too much. But one thing is for certain, that if she is with him, then she knows I will lose all respect for her, that I will never speak to her again, and that I will know she has been lying for months pre breakup and the months following after. Remember, she has low self esteem. This would also explain why she is so worried about what people are saying about her, the rumors thats going around and all that. I also know that she desperatly wants to be in my group for the exams, so if my fears are true then she has a choice to make.

 

On my way home tuesday I walked home with our mutual friend and we went for a cup of coffee. I told him that I appreciated how he had been my friend in all of this and then I said that I knew he was tired of hearing my rants, but that I had to tell him one last thing if he cared to listen. He agreed.

 

I told him of my experience that day, about the convo sunday, about my fears and the other guy. My friend told me that he didnt think they were together, but that if it was true then he understood how I was feeling.

 

I then told him that I was going to move on. That she told me theyre just friends so thats the explanation I will stick by for now, but that I had my doubts if she was telling the truth. That I still loved her, but that right now I had no hope, and we would see what would happen 5-6 months for now when me and my ex will study for exams together. I also told him that if they are together, then I will never work with her again. Finally I told him that I was going into no contact, and would only reply to her if she initiated it first. That I was going to lay off facebook so I wouldnt be able to see her pictures, updates etc, and that I didnt want to discuss her anymore. Only requests I had was that he told me if she got a boyfriend, and that he would not tell her any of this.

 

He promised me not to, and I know I can trust this guy. Hes had my back all along. Ive also been there during his breakup these past months, so we have a lot of trust built up.

 

When I got home I went to her profile on facebook one final time. New pic, shes looking gorgeous. I sat there and stared at it for 5 mins, thoughts and memories passing through my brain. Despite everything, I knew I still loved this woman. Not much respect left, but I still love her.

 

Then in my thoughts I said goodbye.

 

Havent talked of her since, havent had the slightest urge to look at her profile or facebook in general.

 

Class party the 26nd of march. Not going.

 

Small pre party at her appartment with our class the week after. Not going.

 

Back to Uni for a couple of days late march as well. Have to go, sucks.

 

Total NC from now on, and will only respond to any truly meaningful contact she initiates. I dont trust her anymore, I dont respect her much anymore. And frankly, I am actually starting to respect myself so much more than I have in a long time. The few mistakes Ive made have never been with bad intentions, only with care and love. And Im damn proud of myself for having the ability to feel so strongly about someone, and be open about it, something which many cant or wont.

 

Will have to see what happens in 5-6 months, if I dont hear from her.

 

But the most important aspect of all of this, also regarding the codependancy. It took a beating to get to this state of mind but thing is I learned something valuable, which is, I love her so much, but I love myself more. Its time to heal for good.

 

Incredibly long post and I appologize, thanks to anyone who had the patience to read it all.

 

 

Much love.

 

-Rap

Edited March 3, 2011 by Rap17

[Rap17]

Id just like to add that this marks the end of a chapter in the breakup process for me. Ill update this thread from time to time when something new comes up, but will probably be weeks in between since Im now on full NC.

 

Still, it would be wonderful to hear what you people who are familiar with my story, or decides to read it, have to say about it. Ill ofc keep replying to anyone who posts here. Id especially like to hear what you think of recent events, or the last page or two of this thread.

 

Thanks to everyone who has contributed. I can honestly say that I wouldnt have come this far if it hadnt been for these wonderful forums, or the lovely people posting in them.

 

Thank you LS.

[Rap17]

Ah just found out. The pre party at her place is not nexy month, its on the 11th of march, she just invited me. I saw it since I checked my mail and it updates what messages I get on facebook sigh. DEFINANTLY not going, and fortunatly I have to work that night.

[Rap17]

Just a small update. Doing much better. The times when Im in contact with her, I back to square one, but only for a day or so, then my brain takes over again. Definantly an improvement.

 

Since my last update I havent been in contact with her, I dont even go on FB anymore. I have meade measurements so that, if I do have to read an important message on FB I havent got her in my status updates, so I wont "bump" into her online unless its a message from her.

 

No contact is really the way to go. Im in a much better mood, dont think of her all the time, although I have a moment or two everyday where she comes to mind and I go low for maybe half an hour or so.

 

I just wish that we didnt have those three days of classes together at Uni in late march sigh. I really dont want to see her, or hear anything about her. Going cold turkey feels so much better than the alternative. The thoughts I have of her when I think of her is mostly on the subject of "the other guy" and her. To be honest I still dont truly believe that they havent had, or have, a thing going on. I guess it means that I really dont trust her anymore.

 

Confidence, self respect and self esteem returning in a big way, and my field studies are going exceptionally well. Good to have my mind on other things, and prove to myself that I dont need her in my life.

 

One thing that came to mind though. In retrospect, the week she broke up with me, we visited her family. His father really liked me, and he asked in jest when we were going to get married, like he definantly saw that in our future. Around that time I had also found an appartment we could check out, since we had talked alot about moving in together, which was a subject she brought up to begin with.

 

Right after this, she wanted a break/broke up and so forth. Beginning to think she was a commitment phobe on top of everything else, but I dont know. She was in another relationship for 4 years before me, where they lived together for a couple of years. Just thoughts that came to mind.

 

If in doubt, go NC. It really, really helps.

[Rap17]

Not many responses, but I guess theres not much to comment on at the moment heh. Still, want to share some thoughts as they come to mind, helps posting and getting it out of the system.

 

So today I heard this beautiful tune, and the feelings it invoked somehow reminded of how I felt about her when we were together. It made me think of what had become between us, and I reflected on this.

 

During the breakup, after the various "mistakes" I supposedly made, she mentioned how she felt about it and towards me after the fact. She mentioned several times she was dissapointed in me/my behaviour, and its easy to tell she lost confidence and trust in me. Thats her problem, her issue, has really nothing to do with me and thats what I believe now.

 

Then, sitting here and listening to that tune and experiencing those emotions, I suddenly shed a tear. What I felt was so real, honest and pure that it overwhelmed me, and then I felt this great sadness. I realised what a shame it was that she lost faith in my appreciation for her and what we had together. How so you may ask. Because I realise that those emotions I was experiencing...

 

 

...that was exactly how I felt about her the whole time.

 

 

Still in NC and going strong, no FB visits or anything like that. Its going rather well, but I guess these "hickups" will surface once in a while.

 

The tune is "Her Hands Were Leaves" by Alexi Murdoch.

 

 

-Rap

[dreamingoftigers]

The hiccups will get further and further apart until one day you'll go "hey that's weird, I haven't thought about those emotions in awhile."

[Rap17]

The hiccups will get further and further apart until one day you'll go "hey that's weird, I haven't thought about those emotions in awhile."

 

Funny thing, this is what Im starting to experience. Its a comfort that I have somewhat shifted the polarity and all the focus is on myself now. Didnt take me more than a couple of days after our last encounter to get to a state of mind where I dont think about her constantly, and that I dont worry what she thinks of me much.

 

Like I mentioned, I have lost a lot of respect for her, and rightly so. I think about her everyday, but not every min like I used to. And when these hiccups occur, my thoughts center on my dissapointment in her and her actions. I mean, shes just been so selfish and incredibly immature. I cant blame her, shes 22, still I wont have anyone treat me like this again if I can help it.

 

I really dont want to be near her at all, I now fully understand why NC is preached so much. I dont know, its like she shifted from being the object of my desire, into something...toxic, in a way. In her presence I feel uncomfortable and become insecure, at least on the inside. Right now I just wish I never saw or heard from her again, although thats impossible unfortunatly since were in the same class. The promise I made about doing the exams with her after the summer, I really dont want to do that either anymore. Its just win/win for her I think.

 

Incredible how I have let my feelings cloud my judgement through this. Perhaps this is truly the first steps into the acceptance stage, perhaps I have already been there for a while. What do you think?

Edited March 10, 2011 by Rap17

[Rap17]

Sigh, update.

 

So, after 2½ weeks of NC I got a text from her, which quite frankly took me by surprise.

 

"Hi sweetie. I hope your studies in the field are still going well And btw, just wanted to hear if you still intend to pay back the money you owe me? Hugs"

 

I borrowed some money before the breakup to pay a bill, since I had several gigs that got canceled. I told her Id pay her back when I had them. But I havent had any concerts in a while, so I havent been able to pay her back yet, although Ive always fully intended to do so. Im a man of my word. Honestly I hadnt thought about it for a while, guess this thing will keep me connected to her somewhat sigh, until I can pay her back.

 

Odd how she sounds all nice and sweet here right? My gut is telling me, and from the text it might be obvious, that shes just playing the sweet thing on me to get her money back, the other stuff is just filler. This month were getting tax returns, but shes always earning too much in her spare time, so she usually has to pay back money to the state, since shes still a student and theres a limit to how much you can earn.

 

This happened last year as well, and she went into total stress mode, she had to pay a lot of money back.

 

Anyone wants to share their point of view? Ofc Ill pay her back, but Im not able to atm, and might not be in a couple of months.

 

Sigh, getting that text and seeing her name made my heart skip a beat, and NC had been going so well. I think I will let her sweat for a day, then respond.

 

Any suggestions?

[Rap17]

Would really appreciate a response to my last post, forgive me for bumping it.

[Rap17]

So, first day back at Uni. Gonna be there the next two days, then head back to the field come thursday.

 

Let me just say that NC is a godsend. I have a minor update I will post later, (Im in a bit of a hurry), but stuff was way different between my ex and myself today.

 

Trust me, if you have doubts go NC and never look back. The effect will surprise you.

[Rap17]

So, the minor update I was talking about.

 

Went to class and she was already there. During the three hours we were there she acted so different from before. She was making eye contact, laughing quietly when I did one of my little quirks, (I walk funny, dont ask), and whenever she would pass me she would give me this big smile. She kinda acted like she used to when we were dating, hard to explain.

 

I kept my cool throughout. Entered class with a swagger and my head held high. Didnt pay attention to her much, just behaved like she was just another class mate. Didnt initiate any contact, like striking up a conversation or saying hi. At one point I was talking to our mutual friend, who was sitting beside her, a couple of chairs away from me. I looked him in the eye, but since she was behind him she thought I was looking at her, so she turned her head towards me several times and smiled at me, behaving all positive and light.

 

I didnt respond to any of this. The few times I looked her in the eye in passing I just smiled a little and said nothing. Totally nonchalant attitude from my side, but funny thing is, it didnt really feel like I acted that way anymore.

 

At one point the girl sitting next to her asked me if I would come to the Uni bar tomorrow, for cake and coffee. Apparently its been planned for a while but I didnt know about it, (no facebook peeking). I dont have plans for tomorrow afternoon but I told her that I had to work after class. When I said this, my ex was totally surprised and got this worried look on her face, like she didnt expect it.

 

I dont know, Ive come a long ways and Ive kind of lost a lot of respect for my ex. When I saw her I still felt a bit of a sting in my gut, but no way near the level its been earlier. Also, although shes very pretty, I looked at her with different eyes. It was like she has lost something, somehow I dont find her as attractive anymore as I used to. Dont get me wrong, I still love her, but something has changed inside of me. When I walked home tomorrow I felt so empowered, so in control. It feels like the power stance has changed completely, like I feel like the prize and shes lost out on something amazing. Hard to explain, but thats how I feel. I even smiled and laughed with my class mates today, something Ive had a seriously hard time doing when shes been around in the past, post breakup.

 

I dont know if all of this is what people refer to when youre letting go. That perhaps somehow she can sense it, and that she has taken my suffering for granted and is acting so positive around me, smiling etc. On our way home, our mutual friend told me that she had even asked about me, (I was almost late for class). I think Im letting go. I have no problem letting her have the initiative now, I dont have any big urges to contact her anymore. I still have my low days, and I think about her every day, but I feel much much better. NC really works.

 

Would be nice to hear some thoughts on this, if people havent given up on me completely

 

Thanks.

 

 

-Rap

 

 

EDIT: Btw, regarding the money I owe her. I texted her back after a day and reminded her that I had told her she would get the money when I had them. Kept it brief and positive. No drama, just a few sentences. So I dont think thats the reason for her acting happy around me.

[Rap17]

Day 2 at Uni, and back to the same old pattern apparently.

 

Played it nonchalant throughout the day, just like yesterday. Things turned back to old patterns. The few times I made eye contact with her she turned her head and avoided looking me in the eyes. No smiles, no contact with me at all, although at one time she passed my seat, I tried to make eye contact and smile a little. She responded by smiling a little bit, but didnt look me in the eyes at all.

 

She was talking to our mutual friend in class and seemed cheerful enough, and out the corner of my eye I could tell she was paying attention to me, but when I would turn to my friend, (which was in the same direction as her), she would look away like she never watched me in the first place.

 

I have to admit it made me feel a bit anxious, although I tried my best not to show it, and I think I hid it well.

 

I have no idea why shes switching on and off like this, also since Im behaving pretty much the same in both situations. Is this hot/cold behaviour?

 

Man, I just wish someone would give me some insight into this. Final day at Uni tomorrow before heading out to the field studies again, and after today Im kinda dreading that class tomorrow.

 

Anyone have any comments? I could really do with some insight and perspective here.

[dreamingoftigers]

She always was hot and cold.

 

You need to find a new focus

 

Have you thought of trying to date someone else yet?

[Rap17]

She always was hot and cold.

 

You need to find a new focus

 

Have you thought of trying to date someone else yet?

 

 

You think so?

 

Well, Im trying to focus on work and its really been good for me. Then we go to Uni and I have to be in the same room as her, and even though I keep my cool it still ends up affecting me in some way. Its almost like shes testing me to see if she still has me. NC has been so good for me, and then I have to sit in class for three days sigh. Any insight into hot and cold behaviour? I must admit I havent got a clue about it and how to respond to it.

 

And well, since I still have lingering feelings for my ex I have problems even thinking about dating other women. My confidence has definantly been on the rise, but I dont truly feel ready for something like that yet. And Im the kind of guy who doesnt date other women when my heart still belongs to someone else, it wouldnt be fair.

 

And thank you so much for the reply. Theyre unfortunatly hard to come by these days :/

 

 

Btw, just wanted to add something. Maybe Im being irrational, but yesterday when she was all smiling at me and stuff, I came to Uni with so much confidence and felt so strong, and her reaction towards me gave me an even bigger confidence boost. I felt so empowered when I got home, like I had control. But then, I started thinking about her, practically the whole day, and it ended up with me not being able to sleep very well because I kept thinking about how she behaved. So today, I got to Uni with a little bit of anxiousnes in my chest. I still felt like I kept my cool and didnt give anything away, but perhaps she could somehow sense it? Its like, strong and confident one day: very positive reaction from her. A little bit less the next day, (and tired): Avoidant and indifferent behaviour towards me. Could I be on to something here?

Edited March 22, 2011 by Rap17