I am still in love with my husband, now more than ever.

[scaredandalone1223]

My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. The marriage has had some pretty rough moments and I screwed up big time on 2 occassions by putting my friends first. I thought I wanted out, but I DON'T! He moved out two weeks ago, because I told him it was over. He asked if there was anything to do to save it and I said No, so he left. He had left once during the summer but came home. I tried to work on things but with his work schedule we never saw each other and never got a night alone to ourselves during that time. During that 2 weeks I have come to realize I am NOTHING without him. He has developed a text relationship with a friend of a friend. He says they are only friends because he needs someone to talk to. What can I do to make him see how much I love him or now that he has a new emotional support will he just be able to move on by pretending he doesn't need me anymore? WHAT CAN I DO OR IS IT TOO LATE? I did send his new friend a fb message asking if they were just friends or more. I told her how much I loved him and wanted him back and if they were indeed just friends would she become my friend as well. I have never been the jealous type so I do not mind them being friends if that's all it is. I'm just worried that since they are both newly separated it is the perfect storm for a rebound affair. The past 2 weeks have really opened my eyes and heart to how much I LOVE him and NEED him in my life. What can I do to show him I will change. I am willing to drop my closest friends, who he thought I believed were more important than he was. I'm dying inside and with both children also begging for their dad daily I just don't know how to handle things. Suggestions and advice would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!

[You Go Girl]

Alright, calm down now

 

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither would be this new relationship with this texting woman. You have a 13+ year history together.

 

Invite your H over for dinner, telling him that you want to talk to him. Fix his favorite meal of yours. Then after dinner, clear away the dishes and start talking to him.

Tell him that you regret your previous decision. Tell him that you have realized that losing him is not what you want. Tell him you love him, and ask him if there is anything you can do.

Then wait for his reply.

Let us know how it goes.

And time is of the essence...don't wait too long to ask him to come over for dinner, assuming of course, you can cook something! If you can't cook, well do some small act of showing you care.

 

He may want some time to see if you are going to yo-yo on him again. He may want some time to protect his feelings. All that is ok, give him what he needs. He may want months to move back. Who knows...it's a one day at a time type of thing.

What you need to do is be stable. Not frantic. You now know what you want. It is up to you to be confident in that decision, and show that confidence to him.

And he might ask some tough questions. So put on your big girl pants and answer them honestly.

But don't become a frantic desperado. That too could frighten him.

Chin up!

He probably doesn't want to lose a 13 year marriage nor his family either.

And you're going to need to do some self-examination...no more throwing off your man.

You can do this.

[Minnie09]

Good advice from YGG, as always. Couldn't have said it better myself.

One question, though: What in your opinion made your H think that your friends were more important than him and the fam?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

scaredandalone1223 :

 

I can't top what You Go Girl has told you, she pretty much summed it up real good. But I will mention, all though not that honest, if you aren't a real good cook in the kitchen, but you still want to present a good "home cooked" meal feel, why not go to a local restaurant, one that specializes in "take out", maybe like Chinese food, order it up, bring it home, put it on your plates and such and make it look like a home cooked meal.

 

I have done this on maybe like 2-3 occasions, with various ex-girlfriends, they knew it wasn't anything I cooked, but they really liked the thought that went into it!

 

Good luck, and let us know how things went!

[scaredandalone1223]

Thanks everyone. That is pretty much exactly what I had planned and did this evening. I knew he was coming over to help w/ a family school project. I am not the world's best cook, but I have gotten much better over the years, especially with his favs. I spent a good bit of the day writing him a letter. This may sound grade schoolish but I was able to put down everything and have plenty of time to make sure everything I wanted to say was in it. He read it, then we ate and all did the family project together. When he left he said he would not come back today, he was going to stay gone at least until the end of the week. He told me that may not sound like much butit was a huge step from where he was yesterday. He said he was going to put a lot of thought into it. He said he would be back tomorrow to see the children so I told him if he would call me when he left work (he's the boss and they're working on a BIG project so he never knows when he's leaving until he walks out of the door) I would have dinner ready when he got here. He thanked me and let me hug him goodbye.

 

The reason he thought I choose the friends is (bare with me this is LOOONG) because we had a concert/vacation planned with another couple at the beginning of the year. About a month before hand he found out about a major meeting @ his job and would not be able to go. He told me to go ahead. While I had originally really wanted this to be an us trip I was quite excited about having a few days to myself as our day to day life is very hectic. The week before hand his mother cancelled keeping the children for the weekend and he had to work to prepare for the meeting. I tried to call and change the reservations but I had gotten an unbelievable deal on the condo by paying up front and the only way we could change it was to cancel and the others rebook. This would have cost them $500 more. He said nevermind just go. Well the day before he said he wanted me to stay. I had made other childcare arrangements but he didn't want to utilize them. At this point there was no backing out of the condo and since it was a high demand area for our friends to make other arrangements on such short notice was going to be sky high. He wanted them to just cancel too. We didn't and all went. He saw this as a complete break of trust. That when he needed me most I left him. He needed my support for the big meeting coming up and I left him. I was not made aware of this until after the fact though. He never told me in those terms, but he said I should have known. The original trip was 5 of us and it ended up being just us 3. The day we were leaving the couple invited another couple that neither my spouse or I knew. The other couple was able to go and my husband, even though he's still never met them, despises them. I assured him they were a happily married couple, but he says well how do I know that for sure. The second time was when 3 months later I went to another concert with those same 4 people. It was on a Fri., not an overnight stay and the reason I wanted to go was more of an emotional one which he understood. He saw it as I would continue to choose my friends and concerts over him, where that is really NOT the case at all. I happen to not have very many hobbies, I do not really drink, I'm not a big partier but I do love concerts, He on the other hand doesn't like them at all. I ammuch more of an extrovert and he an introvert. This is one of our major marital problems. I thought I would much prefer to be w/ someone who enjoyed doing things and hanging out a little more. I have come to the realization though that I would rather stay home and have my family there than to hang out with friends. Had I have known that one trip, booked months in advance with him originally a part of, would have taken our marriage from the strongest it had ever been to broken in 4 short days I would have NEVER driven out of the driveway. Through all our ups and downs over the years the ONE thing we have always said was our foundation was trust. We had it beyond measure and both had said if it was ever broken that was it. So when I left when he needed me I broke his trust in knowing I would always be ther for him when he needed me. I never meant it that way and he never told me he needed me, but what's done is donr and we have not been able to overcome it.

[hopesndreams]

What do you know about his "friend"?

[iheartboobs]

Sounds like you're both playing games... him with his arbitrary rules changing, and you with losing it and throwing him out telling him it's over.

 

Maybe you should suggest going NC for a few weeks so you can both cool off and gain some perspective. Then maybe sit down and talk to each other about everything.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 8, 2010 by iheartboobs

[scaredandalone1223]

What I know about his 'friend'. He and her met online through a mutual friend. At the beginning of the year while I was gone and he was so upset they started iming and he helped her through that weekend. After I found out & we were trying to work things out he showed me all convos and ended it. He has been gone for two weeks and we pretty much had NC except for the kids. I never lost it and kicked him out, we discussed that things weren't getting better between us and he moved out. He moved in with their mutual friend and after a week the mutual friend suggested he get back in contact with her. She is from the town he is living in, but currently is going through a divorce and lives in a different state. He said they are just friends, she told me after my message she was sorry I was hurting and that it will heal in time. She said she can't speak for his feelings, but they enjoy talking and have a lot in common. She didn't say they were just friends, but she didn't say she wasn't interested either. I made it clear how much I love him and want us to work things out. He is coming back for supper tonight and I baked his favorite cake. I'm taking baby steps, but I'm trying. We had gone to counseling in the past and it worked great. I have an appt. with our therapist tomorrow. He knows this and said he would let me take the 1st shift. So we'll see. As I was typing this he called and said w/ work he may not make it tonight. This makes me sad because I cooked his all time fav. and baked a cake (something I never do so it wqll be a huge surprise). I guess we'll see what happens....

[hopesndreams]

Do you have children?

 

From what I can gather, on a few occasions, you chose going to a concert over spending time with him. How is this a bad thing exactly? There is nothing wrong with spending time apart and having outside interests. It's either that or living in each others pockets. Which one is more healthy?

 

He has left you. He has a "friend". You cannot compete with this woman so don't even bother trying.

 

You have made it clear to him that you love him and want him to come home. That's all he needs to know now. Anything else, as in begging, pleading and baking him cakes is only going to push him away further.

 

Tough love. He knows you love him. Now, it's time to back right off. He needs to miss you, wonder about you and want to be with you instead of his "friend". How can you accomplish this? By doing the exact opposite of what you are doing.

 

This is the 180. Put your recipes and cake pans away. Time to think with your head and not your heart.

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

Personally, I'd go with NC if there are no kids. It would pack more punch. He needs a reality check before things heat up with the "friend", if it hasn't already.

[scaredandalone1223]

Thanks. I will try some of that. We do have 2 children so we can't completely go NC. He didn't even try the cake and didn't take a piece with him when he went to his new place for the night. My main concern with NC is, if there is someone else there and I'm not letting him know how I feel at all won't this push him further away from me and straight to her arms? If he thinks I'm moving on won't that give him more of a reason to pursue her?

[hopesndreams]

Thanks. I will try some of that. We do have 2 children so we can't completely go NC. He didn't even try the cake and didn't take a piece with him when he went to his new place for the night. My main concern with NC is, if there is someone else there and I'm not letting him know how I feel at all won't this push him further away from me and straight to her arms? If he thinks I'm moving on won't that give him more of a reason to pursue her?

 

When you tell him over and over that you love him it only reminds him that he doesn't feel the same about you. That pushes him away further. His head is in the clouds right now and those butterflies are jumping around in his stomach because of his new love interest. What he could possibly be thinking right now is, "She wants to take my fun away!" and like a spoilt child, he will blame you and make you feel guilty for him having his new fun in the first place. Cheaters take no responsibility whatsoever for their actions. It's the cheaters M.O. Quit rewarding him for his bad behaviour and start laying down the law and setting some firm boundaries.

 

Do you want respect? Without respect there is no love. Show him the strong, tough woman you are and not the quivering scared little girl that you are now feeling.

 

You can have that one final time of a sit down discussion of your feelings and how you want the M to proceed. Tell him, calmly, that he comes home and attends MC. He needs to come clean about his "friend" as well. Anything less and you will just be banging your head against a wall.

 

All this will take time. In most cases, lots of time. So, sit back, take care of yourself--eat right, rest---you need to build up your strength in order to ride this rollercoaster from hell.

[You Go Girl]

You can have that one final time of a sit down discussion of your feelings and how you want the M to proceed. Tell him, calmly, that he comes home and attends MC. He needs to come clean about his "friend" as well. Anything less and you will just be banging your head against a wall.

 

.

 

I agree fully with this. I did suggest you made him a good meal, for that ONE conversation in which you revealed to him that you wanted to reconsider your marriage. But only that one time. Not repeated efforts to win him back with food, or anything else.

You have spoken your peace, right? Told him you love him, want the marriage to continue, want to fix what is broken.

Now you back off because you have already said your peace. He knows how you feel, and the ball is in his court.

You can't stop him from talking to that OW. Don't text or call or email her, that was a mistake on your part. It just showed her that you were desperate and that she has an upper hand possibly. Your relationship, your marriage, is not with her, nor about her. She plays no part in your life going forward.

It is entirely up to him to stop that relationship should he decide to try to work on your marriage. You can't control him, nor her, nor control either of their actions.

All you control is you. You have done the right thing to try to rebuild the marriage. Now it is up to him.

I know you feel helpless. So realize that since all you control is you, that you have to do things that help you. Take care of your family, your household.

You might have to sit back and painfully watch him play out his part. You can't control it.

But you can do things to hold together your life with your children. So focus on that. I know it is incredibly difficult, because you want to act on his behaviors. Again, you have to remind yourself that you can't control his actions.

Chin up! Do take care of you and yours. Realize this is the only true power and control that you do have.

[scaredandalone1223]

THANK YOU all SO MUCH! Having someoene to talk to and helpp me through this is a great help as I have never been here before and I'm completely lost. He has always been there for me when the chips were down and helped me through, so to not have him to turn to to help me through the harrdest thing in my life is indescribable. I go to nmy 1st therapy session this morning. He said he will be by this afternoon to see how it went and to drop off grocery money. I have always told him EVERYTHING. Communication has always been the strong point of our marriage. I guess that's why it is so hard to not tell him how I feel because talking about things has always been how we worked through them. I'm not sure if I should tell him how things go today. I know I have a lot to work on. He says he never felt I truly put him first and I must admit being raised an only child these last few weeks of refflection has made me see he was right on many occassions. Our marriage has had problems before, but never gotten this far. For the 1st time I'm waking up to all my faults and willing to put 100% into correcting them. I just hope and pray it's not too little, too late. The kids are also begging him to come home and calling him repeatedly. I have told them they must stop as well. I told them he knows where we stand and from here he must decide. Our oldest has basically stopped doing any work at school. He went from having all A's in the highest class to all failing and is at risk for failing his grade because his grades have dropped SO DRAMATICALLY! My husband knows we want him and need him so I am going to follow y'alls advice and pray he decides to give me one more shot at proving our family & our marriage is my TOP PRIORITY!

[You Go Girl]

Our oldest has basically stopped doing any work at school. He went from having all A's in the highest class to all failing and is at risk for failing his grade because his grades have dropped SO DRAMATICALLY!

 

My husband knows we want him and need him so I am going to follow y'alls advice and pray he decides to give me one more shot at proving our family & our marriage is my TOP PRIORITY!

 

You may have to do a bit of hand holding with your eldest child right now. Sit down and do some homework with him. Help him through this tough time. He's not focusing. By doing some homework with him, he will realize that he is important too, and not just the situation between his parents, and that he shouldn't punish himself with self-sabotage because of what is going on that he can't control. He too can control only one thing--his actions.

Yes, you do go ahead and make your family and marriage your top priority. But it takes two to tango. You make it clear to your H that he also needs to make it his top priority.

The burden isn't all on your shoulders. It's a 50/50 thing.

[Snowflower]

My main concern with NC is, if there is someone else there and I'm not letting him know how I feel at all won't this push him further away from me and straight to her arms? If he thinks I'm moving on won't that give him more of a reason to pursue her?

 

If I were you, I would be very disgusted at his friend who encouraged him to talk to this other woman. Why add more drama and complications to an already complicated situation? She is divorcing and your husband is currently separated. Wow what a friend.

 

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about it at this point and your husband has made the choice to stay in contact with her.

 

As to your question above, I know it seems counter-intuitive to go LC with your husband when she is around. However, it is a decision your husband needs to make whether or not to talk to her or focus on your marriage.

 

As others here have said, focus on yourself and your children. You need to be able to do this because if, g*d forbid, your husband continues this "friendship" with the other woman, you will need to be able to take care of yourself and be there for your kids (I'm not saying that you're not ).

 

As for your eldest child, is there someone he can talk to? I would suggest a school counselor to start--where he can discuss his feelings about what is going on at home and get some help with homework strategies as well. My daughter (she was in middle school) visited her school counselor numerous times during the upheaval in our home. I think it helped her.

 

I know first hand how hard this is...your posts resonate with me deeply. I was in a very similar situation myself two years ago. The best advice I can offer from that painful time is to work to move forward alone. Consider your marriage over (at least for now) because you need the tools and the strength to go forward on your own. I understand that your H has always been your strongest supporter but right now he isn't. You need to find that support elsewhere now.

[scaredandalone1223]

Well he sent me a text to let him know how things went. I called him and told him. Our therapist, who has known our ups and downs for the past 4 years, was not to happy with the friend situation, she said it was a train wreck waiting to happen. She did advise for me to try to work something out for some alone time with him. She suggested a weekend getaway in 2 weeks. I have made childcare arrangements and know he is off that weekend. She said to simpply ask and open the door. Do not try to force him, or bring up how much we enjoyed it last time, or pressure him that this is our chance. Simply open the door and see if he is willing to walk through it. I asked him on the phone and he said he would think about it. He has our only computer w/ him and he did say he would see about dropping it by for me to check out places and rates. He asked how things went, I told him and that was it. The ball is in his court now.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Not repeated efforts to win him back with food, or anything else.

 

Oh come on You Go Girl, are you serious here? Haven't you ever heard of the age old saying......"The way to a mans heart, is through his stomach"!.......lol........just playing.......ok, I'll get serious here, back to the subject at hand!

 

"Carry on"

[hopesndreams]

Well he sent me a text to let him know how things went. I called him and told him. Our therapist, who has known our ups and downs for the past 4 years, was not to happy with the friend situation, she said it was a train wreck waiting to happen. She did advise for me to try to work something out for some alone time with him. She suggested a weekend getaway in 2 weeks. I have made childcare arrangements and know he is off that weekend. She said to simpply ask and open the door. Do not try to force him, or bring up how much we enjoyed it last time, or pressure him that this is our chance. Simply open the door and see if he is willing to walk through it. I asked him on the phone and he said he would think about it. He has our only computer w/ him and he did say he would see about dropping it by for me to check out places and rates. He asked how things went, I told him and that was it. The ball is in his court now.

 

That's right. The ball is in his court now. When you feel the urge to call/text him, DON'T! Take a deep breath--post---read the other stories on here---reread the 180----read about NC----call a friend.

 

Does your family know about what's going on? You have someone to lean on and trust during this time?

 

Also, and this has been pointed out already, DO NOT call his "friend" ever again. She is his "friend" not yours. Go have a look at the OW/OM forum. Their mindset is you are to blame and if you can't love him enough, they sure as h*ll can.

[scaredandalone1223]

I will leave it alone at this point. I have told him how I feel and invited him away for a weekend. That is it on my end. He still says he will be dropping by daily to see the children, but I will make myself scarce at those times. As far as people to lean on I really do not have any. My grandparents adopted me, so their values are pretty old fashioned. He supported you and provided for you, that should be enough. They sided w/ him on the concert issue and still feel I drove him away so it's my bed I should lie in it. I don't have a relationship with my mom and my brother feels the same as my grandparents. My dad says if he's broken my trust then that's pretty much it, but I have a hard road ahead of me. Since he has always been so introverted we really didn't have that many friends. My best friend is the person who set us up and was always very much like a sister to him. They were exteemely close but she was one of the ones who went to the concert too so she's out. He says his 'friend' his more of a replacement for her than for me. She supports me in this but I have a hard time getting advice/ support from her because she has her own hurt from the situation. He has many family members who say he's better off without more and are more than willing to stand by him. The friend he is living with is who put him in contact w/ this new 'friend'. My family has offered to keep the children and pay for our weekend away because they feel we should try to work things out. However, when it comes to me asking for some support to help me move forward without him the answer is NO! I will just have to wait and see what he says. He said it was seriously thinking about everything and he would let me know more this weekend. In the meantime, except when he stops to see the kids I will leave him alone.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

My dad says if he's broken my trust then that's pretty much it!

 

My friend, you just won the Christmas turkey and all the trimmings! Your Father must be a very wise person! For he nailed it! Strange, sometimes within my signature area, I sometimes display something there, that falls in line with what your Father told you.

 

Sometimes I display theses words.....

 

"Remember, without trust, you really don't have anything at all"!

 

My Master within these past several years, shortly after becoming his apprentice clued me in on this fact. For I would bring up old issues I had with my marriage and then divorce, her cheating, dishonesty, the games ect. ect. ect. He let me know it all boiled down to one thing....."trust"! Without trust in any relationship, you really don't have anything at all.....