An Update From Me...Very Low And Need Support

[whichwayisup]

Totally, we were a brilliant match in my opinion - and then our 'relationship' was cruelly cut short by him so if I never see him again I will always be wondering what could have been. How we would have got on together as an official couple in proper day to day life situations, and making it public. So sad that I will probably never know. Although perhaps we were not as great as I keep romanticising, he has caused me so much grief since.

Focus on this, it's the key here.

 

And, you need to just make peace and accept that because of that ring on his finger, he cannot be yours. He has life built with someone else and that isn't going to change. I know it hurts you my sweets - I hate that you feel lonely and alone right now, but just know once you accept things as they are with your exMM, stop romanticizing and fantasizing what 'could have been' your heart will heal.

 

Baby steps.

[whichwayisup]

As jj33 has said to me in previous threads, the problem is not that he is married, it's that he is a nasty, selfish person. I did not even see this side to him until he abandoned me the first time with no remorse. Perhaps this side of his personality was always there even during our friendship, but I did not pick up on subtle clues.

 

So he is a d!ckhead-ahole. No doubts about it. It's who he is, his natural state so to speak. seems he has to "try" be someone else so his a-holish ways don't come out! I know it's not funny but I hope it made you smile.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

So he is a d!ckhead-ahole. No doubts about it. It's who he is, his natural state so to speak. seems he has to "try" be someone else so his a-holish ways don't come out! I know it's not funny but I hope it made you smile.

 

It did!

 

So, I know deep down what he is, you all know what he is, all of the friends/family who know about him think he is has screwed me over worse than they have seen anyone do to anyone!

 

But...do you think his wife knows what he is???

 

Does HE know what he is?!?!

 

Does he wake up in cold sweats at night thinking about the damage he has done?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

And, you need to just make peace and accept that because of that ring on his finger, he cannot be yours. He has life built with someone else and that isn't going to change. I know it hurts you my sweets - I hate that you feel lonely and alone right now, but just know once you accept things as they are with your exMM, stop romanticizing and fantasizing what 'could have been' your heart will heal.

 

He may have a ring on his finger but he obviously doesn't take his marriage vows seriously at all. He's taking his wife for an absolute fool, and has cruelly toyed with me for years. Who knows what else he has been up to.

 

When he DOES contact me on the odd occasion, he always tells me the same old same old - that he is unhappy in his marriage but needs to find the willpower to leave.

 

So at BEST, he is disrespecting his wife and kids to even be contacting me.

[whichwayisup]

It did!

 

Good. I advise you to call him that or make up some nickname for him.

So, I know deep down what he is, you all know what he is, all of the friends/family who know about him think he is has screwed me over worse than they have seen anyone do to anyone!

 

It just will take time. Your mind knows what's what, your heart and soul just needs to catch up. You will work through this and come out wiser and stronger! Don't you worry!!

 

But...do you think his wife knows what he is???

 

Honestly, who cares? You shouldn't care. You're trying to be free of him, so what she knows or doesn't know about him doesn't matter..At all!

 

Does HE know what he is?!?!

 

Again, who cares? It just doesn't matter at the end of the day.

 

Does he wake up in cold sweats at night thinking about the damage he has done?

 

My guess is no. He's too selfish and self absorbed to care. If he does have any guilt or anything along those lines, I can bet you he pushes those thoughts and feelings OUT of his mind immediately so he doesn't have to deal with them.

 

Most who are a-holes, KNOW they are aholes. And they don't really care.

[fooled once]

 

I am not saying I don't like his family by any means, what I am saying is that I have a strong personality and can see them trying to take over. I just know from how they were when I met them, plus the things my fiance has told me, that they are very close knit. Which as you pointed out, is the opposite of what I am used to.

 

From my point of view it is a little strange to still have a room at your parents house, my parents pretty much told me I would be forced out by the time I was 16, when this didn't happen they made it clear I was an unwelcome guest. I couldn't wait to leave. And when I did they turned my old bedroom into a library!

 

FO, you are a very kind lady to keep a room available for your son if he ever needed it.

 

I also find it weird that he has lived in that house since he was born, I have been moved around and still feel nostalgic for the big house I grew up in just outside London. We moved when I was 15 and I have never even been back to the area. My parents chose to move us to a rural but very deprived area 'for a better way of life'. I was bullied and/or excluded by all the locals for being 'too posh'. I fit in with those people even less than the people I grew up around. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. Then at 24 I moved away from the area to somewhere bang in the middle of there and London to be with my then fiance, that relationship failed soon after moving in together as he turned very controlling and emotionally abusive. So I left him but stayed in this area where I am isolated. I guess I feel kind of jealous in a way that he has has that stability, the solid foundation I never had. Oh and he is in the reserves therefore only has one major mission every 5 years or so, he is not full time military, sorry if I have given that impression.

 

When I am a new mother (assuming I will move out there) all I will have is unwanted support from people who I have nothing in common with, and who have very different views on parenting to me.

 

I agree, it is unfair on him, I am desperate to meet him asap to have the talk but wont see him until June next year so I have hit a wall. There is not much more I can do right now.

 

I know you have my best interests at heart, you do write me long posts every time and I know you wouldn't waste your time if you didn't care. I just wish I knew how to stop being so infatuated with xMM. I would like to explore the reasons I still love him despite what he has done over the last couple of years or more. I think SadInTexas hit the nail on the head, as did NoIDidnt when they mentioned abandonment issues.

 

I will think of something to do over the holidays, now I am not actually working the possibilites are endless. Maybe I could do something for charity? My doctor actually thinks I am too depressed to function in a work situation right now, will see how I am in a week or 2 then may apply to work as a Christmas temp in a store.

 

Thank you for realizing I am just concerned about you.

 

Your upbringing is very tragic and sad. It makes me sad that you were treated so poorly by your parents. It hurts to think of any child growing up in such an unloving and toxic house.

 

One of the best things for a new mother, IMHO, is having someone around who knows about parenting, raising babies, etc. Helpful hints, from a loving caring person, should be welcoming. None of us are perfect raising kids - goodness knows they do not come with an instruction booklet! It is hard, it is exhausting, it is tiring and it is maddening at times. My son was very wanted and welcomed, but let me tell you, I was a nervous wreck! I was so glad to have my mom nearby (and trust me, I raised him completely different than I was raised - my mom had to adjust to how *I* wanted him raised). So instead of thinking in negative terms regarding his family - please try to think positively. He may be trying to let you know that you will have loving, caring people around -- not intrusive, mean, toxic people. Again, I am not trying to talk you into marrying him, I am just trying to tell you a different way than you are thinking AND how you were raised. I know without a doubt, when you become a mom, you will be nothing like your parents!!!! If I could, I would easily welcome my son to move back home - I was depressed for a year when he moved out at 18. My friends/family tried to assure me this was how it was to be - I had taught him how to fly and he was ready to fly. I just wasn't ready to let go and it crushed me It has been 3 years and I can still feel the pain of it if I let myself. I have ensured my son knows I am always here for him - at 21 or 51 (if I am still alive)!!

 

I think a lot of your past is what keeps you rooted in the MM....and I agree with the abandonment theories.

 

I wish you much happiness in the future. Please keep doing things that will bring you out of the depression. Don't let it take you down. Keep fighting. You are a strong woman. I also wonder if you are scared to let go of the MM? Maybe really look into that.

 

GOOD LUCK!! ((hugs))

[OWoman]

I am not saying I don't like his family by any means, what I am saying is that I have a strong personality and can see them trying to take over. I just know from how they were when I met them, plus the things my fiance has told me, that they are very close knit. Which as you pointed out, is the opposite of what I am used to.

 

From my point of view it is a little strange to still have a room at your parents house, my parents pretty much told me I would be forced out by the time I was 16, when this didn't happen they made it clear I was an unwelcome guest. I couldn't wait to leave. And when I did they turned my old bedroom into a library!

 

I also find it weird that he has lived in that house since he was born, I have been moved around and still feel nostalgic for the big house I grew up in just outside London. We moved when I was 15 and I have never even been back to the area. My parents chose to move us to a rural but very deprived area 'for a better way of life'. I was bullied and/or excluded by all the locals for being 'too posh'. I fit in with those people even less than the people I grew up around. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. Then at 24 I moved away from the area to somewhere bang in the middle of there and London to be with my then fiance, that relationship failed soon after moving in together as he turned very controlling and emotionally abusive. So I left him but stayed in this area where I am isolated. I guess I feel kind of jealous in a way that he has has that stability, the solid foundation I never had. Oh and he is in the reserves therefore only has one major mission every 5 years or so, he is not full time military, sorry if I have given that impression.

 

When I am a new mother (assuming I will move out there) all I will have is unwanted support from people who I have nothing in common with, and who have very different views on parenting to me.

 

HB I can relate to this...

 

Having come from a family that was not at all close, I found the closeness of my xH's family stifling and pathological. I resented the way they swarmed around me when I'd just given birth - I'd done my research, knew how and what I wanted to do, had discussed it all with my then-H and so really resented a flock of well-meaning busy-bodies descending on me giving me unsolicited advice and well-intentioned "help" that got in the way when all I wanted was space - time alone for my then-H and I and my stepkids to bond with the new baby, to get used to how it was going to change our lives and to get on with things. My then-H knew that - but he felt that I'd soon warm to their well-meaning helpfulness, and so it was up to me to send them packing (they put it down to "hormones"... ) but it did make me realise with blinding clarity that my xH and I were simply way too different in values ever really to see eye-to-eye, and that our M was simply not sustainable. I kept up the cheerful pretence for a while, but the nagging truth ultimately dragged me into depression, and I had to admit to myself that I simply could not will myself to be something I wasn't. They meant it well - but it simply wasn't me, and it wasn't for me.

 

You do not need to apologise for yourself, your background or your preferences based on that. It makes you who you are, and if being swallowed up in someone else's close-knit family feels smothering to you - you're entitled to feel that, however well-intentioned that family may be. It's neither a judgment on them, nor on you, to admit that it's not the way you feel comfortable doing things. Your choice is as valid as theirs - and for you, it's more valid. There is no one right way of making it through life - we each need to find what works best for us.

 

On the MM vs fiance thing: given your background, I wonder if your fiance wasn't too "easy" for you? That he loves you without messing you around, that he's prepared to move so quickly (in deference to your abandonment issues) etc... rather than making you earn his love, the way the MM (like your family of origin) does. The testing, pulling the rug beneath your feet, letting you in a little and then shutting you out in the rain... You relate to that in your MM because that is what you knew as a child, it's familiar (even if you recognise it as unhealthy) and as a child that was your pattern for "love", so that's what you recognise as "love" now, subconsciously. Your MM fits because he resonates, while your fiance seems less intense, more constant - not at all the pattern you're used to.

 

I'm not sure what counselling, or how much, you're getting (on the NHS?) but if it's some kind of CBT it might help to pattern in some new ways of understanding what love is, so that you're not stuck with a lasting vulnerability to the toxic relating of your MM and his ilk, and nor do you settle for the imperfect fit of your fiance and his ilk - but rather, you can find someone who loves you, that you can love fully, whose love builds you up rather than breaking you down.

 

(((hugs)))

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

 

Thank you for realizing I am just concerned about you.

 

Your upbringing is very tragic and sad. It makes me sad that you were treated so poorly by your parents. It hurts to think of any child growing up in such an unloving and toxic house.

Yes it still haunts me, although I am so much more confident than I was as a teenager. At that time, the abuse was all I knew so I 100% thought I must deserve that treatment and must be an awful person if my own parents don't even love me. I am lucky to be the person I am today considering what a terrible upbringing I had in terms of emotional/physical abuse. I know of several people who, like me, were rejected by their family and they turned to very hard drugs and messed their lives up. My addiction seems to have been the MM for the last 2/3 years!

 

One of the best things for a new mother, IMHO, is having someone around who knows about parenting, raising babies, etc. Helpful hints, from a loving caring person, should be welcoming.

But I don't want this from HIS family who I don't know very well, I wish I had my OWN family nearby when I have kids so that they can be there if I need them to be. However, although my relationship has 'improved' with my parents (by that I mean seldom any abuse anymore but that is due to me living away and hardly seeing them anyway therefore less opportunity) they still just do not care enough and never visit me here and also never call me to check I am ok despite being fully aware I am suffering with depression. They are by no means as supportive as they should be to my sisters either, however they are treated more favourably than me ie. they get a few crumbs from my parents occasionally but I get absolutely nothing at all.

 

None of us are perfect raising kids - goodness knows they do not come with an instruction booklet! It is hard, it is exhausting, it is tiring and it is maddening at times. My son was very wanted and welcomed, but let me tell you, I was a nervous wreck! I was so glad to have my mom nearby (and trust me, I raised him completely different than I was raised - my mom had to adjust to how *I* wanted him raised).

You are very lucky that you had the support you needed when your son was born. Do you think you would have felt differently about welcoming support if your own family were thousands of miles away and it was just your partners parents offering support? I guess it depends how well you clicked with them and how well you knew them of course.

 

 

So instead of thinking in negative terms regarding his family - please try to think positively. He may be trying to let you know that you will have loving, caring people around -- not intrusive, mean, toxic people. Again, I am not trying to talk you into marrying him, I am just trying to tell you a different way than you are thinking AND how you were raised. I know without a doubt, when you become a mom, you will be nothing like your parents!!!!

No I will certainly not subject my kids to abuse like I had to be.

If I could, I would easily welcome my son to move back home - I was depressed for a year when he moved out at 18. My friends/family tried to assure me this was how it was to be - I had taught him how to fly and he was ready to fly. I just wasn't ready to let go and it crushed me It has been 3 years and I can still feel the pain of it if I let myself. I have ensured my son knows I am always here for him - at 21 or 51 (if I am still alive)!!

Aww that is really sweet that you have such a good relationship with your son! He is a lucky boy to have such a caring mother. I didn't realise just how upsetting it can be when they fly the nest.

 

I wish you much happiness in the future. Please keep doing things that will bring you out of the depression. Don't let it take you down. Keep fighting. You are a strong woman.

It just feels like the hardest thing in the world right now, I really want to feel better, last night I went for a drink with friends for a couple of hours and for those 2 hours I actually had a good laugh and felt happy! Today I have been out and done grocery shopping but just felt so melancholic all day, I am wondering if it may have something to do with the fact that it is MM's birthday today and I cannot be there or even send him an email to wish him a happy birthday because as much as I want to, I have some pride left. He does not deserve me to remember that it's even his birthday today cos you can bet money that he won't remember mine on Sunday and even if he did, he wont be calling me up wishing me many happy returns.

 

I also wonder if you are scared to let go of the MM? Maybe really look into that.

Interesting point, I wonder why I would be scared to let go of the MM though? In case one day he really does leave for me and it's too late?

GOOD LUCK!! ((hugs))

Thanks so much, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support and posts to me on here, it does help - even if I do not always take the advice!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

HB I can relate to this...

 

Having come from a family that was not at all close, I found the closeness of my xH's family stifling and pathological. I resented the way they swarmed around me when I'd just given birth - I'd done my research, knew how and what I wanted to do, had discussed it all with my then-H and so really resented a flock of well-meaning busy-bodies descending on me giving me unsolicited advice and well-intentioned "help" that got in the way when all I wanted was space - time alone for my then-H and I and my stepkids to bond with the new baby, to get used to how it was going to change our lives and to get on with things. My then-H knew that - but he felt that I'd soon warm to their well-meaning helpfulness, and so it was up to me to send them packing (they put it down to "hormones"... ) but it did make me realise with blinding clarity that my xH and I were simply way too different in values ever really to see eye-to-eye, and that our M was simply not sustainable. I kept up the cheerful pretence for a while, but the nagging truth ultimately dragged me into depression, and I had to admit to myself that I simply could not will myself to be something I wasn't. They meant it well - but it simply wasn't me, and it wasn't for me.

So glad you can see EXACTLY what I mean, as you are from a similar background to me I can totally understand how you found it suffocating and unhelpful even though they had good intentions. I can picture this exact same thing happening to me if I go out there to live with my fiance. It has to be the only possible outcome - if I do not know anyone else in the area, it is rural and very remote plus my own family and friends are the other side of the world, it will end up happening for sure. It wont work as I am a very opinionated and strong minded kind of person. I also have very particular views on parenting that I doubt they will agree with and I do not want to be questioned. I am very alternative and will be one of those crunchy granola mothers which so many people raise eyebrows at. But I will never allow anyone try and make me deviate from my core beliefs, because of how strongly I feel I just know it will cause loads of friction.

That reminds me, another thing MM and I had in common - he was very crunchy and believed in all the natural living. I miss having him to talk to regarding that, sometimes I will find an interesting article that I wish I could discuss with him and he's not there.

 

You do not need to apologise for yourself, your background or your preferences based on that. It makes you who you are, and if being swallowed up in someone else's close-knit family feels smothering to you - you're entitled to feel that, however well-intentioned that family may be. It's neither a judgment on them, nor on you, to admit that it's not the way you feel comfortable doing things. Your choice is as valid as theirs - and for you, it's more valid. There is no one right way of making it through life - we each need to find what works best for us.

I have not even told my fiance the details of what my family are actually like, he just would not understand whatsoever based on what his family are like. I tried telling him a few snippets of information and he kind of grasps the fact that we are dysfunctional but it's one of those things, unless you have actually been through it how would you really understand what it is like to grow up in that environment?!?! It's like me trying to imagine and understand why they are the way they are.

 

On the MM vs fiance thing: given your background, I wonder if your fiance wasn't too "easy" for you? That he loves you without messing you around, that he's prepared to move so quickly (in deference to your abandonment issues) etc... rather than making you earn his love, the way the MM (like your family of origin) does.

Yes is feels a little strange to me and unappealing if I'm honest - that there has been no challenge with my fiance in terms of 'earning' his love - he just does and I don't even have to try! That is alien to me!

The testing, pulling the rug beneath your feet, letting you in a little and then shutting you out in the rain... You relate to that in your MM because that is what you knew as a child, it's familiar (even if you recognise it as unhealthy) and as a child that was your pattern for "love", so that's what you recognise as "love" now, subconsciously. Your MM fits because he resonates, while your fiance seems less intense, more constant - not at all the pattern you're used to.

Yes totally, when I have a long think about it, the pattern is the same - like punishment/reward. Having to earn someone's love and it feeling unrequited. Very sad.

 

I'm not sure what counselling, or how much, you're getting (on the NHS?) but if it's some kind of CBT it might help to pattern in some new ways of understanding what love is, so that you're not stuck with a lasting vulnerability to the toxic relating of your MM and his ilk, and nor do you settle for the imperfect fit of your fiance and his ilk - but rather, you can find someone who loves you, that you can love fully, whose love builds you up rather than breaking you down.

(((hugs)))

I did see a therapist but the last time I went just felt she no longer understood me, going to try seeing someone else I think. Will have to be NHS as private is not something I can afford right now even though it would do me good.

Thanks for all your posts OW, I really appreciate the support.

[Ellin]

 

On the MM vs fiance thing: given your background, I wonder if your fiance wasn't too "easy" for you? That he loves you without messing you around, that he's prepared to move so quickly (in deference to your abandonment issues) etc... rather than making you earn his love, the way the MM (like your family of origin) does. The testing, pulling the rug beneath your feet, letting you in a little and then shutting you out in the rain... You relate to that in your MM because that is what you knew as a child, it's familiar (even if you recognise it as unhealthy) and as a child that was your pattern for "love", so that's what you recognise as "love" now, subconsciously. Your MM fits because he resonates, while your fiance seems less intense, more constant - not at all the pattern you're used to.

 

 

Amazing insight, OWoman. This sounds like something I should save and re-read and think about. I the way you've put it into words very helpful and I hope it will help Heartbroken find some peace.

[fooled once]

But I don't want this from HIS family who I don't know very well, I wish I had my OWN family nearby when I have kids so that they can be there if I need them to be. However, although my relationship has 'improved' with my parents (by that I mean seldom any abuse anymore but that is due to me living away and hardly seeing them anyway therefore less opportunity) they still just do not care enough and never visit me here and also never call me to check I am ok despite being fully aware I am suffering with depression. They are by no means as supportive as they should be to my sisters either, however they are treated more favourably than me ie. they get a few crumbs from my parents occasionally but I get absolutely nothing at all.

 

You are very lucky that you had the support you needed when your son was born. Do you think you would have felt differently about welcoming support if your own family were thousands of miles away and it was just your partners parents offering support? I guess it depends how well you clicked with them and how well you knew them of course.

 

No I will certainly not subject my kids to abuse like I had to be.

 

Aww that is really sweet that you have such a good relationship with your son! He is a lucky boy to have such a caring mother. I didn't realise just how upsetting it can be when they fly the nest.

 

It just feels like the hardest thing in the world right now, I really want to feel better, last night I went for a drink with friends for a couple of hours and for those 2 hours I actually had a good laugh and felt happy! Today I have been out and done grocery shopping but just felt so melancholic all day, I am wondering if it may have something to do with the fact that it is MM's birthday today and I cannot be there or even send him an email to wish him a happy birthday because as much as I want to, I have some pride left. He does not deserve me to remember that it's even his birthday today cos you can bet money that he won't remember mine on Sunday and even if he did, he wont be calling me up wishing me many happy returns.

 

Interesting point, I wonder why I would be scared to let go of the MM though? In case one day he really does leave for me and it's too late?

 

Thanks so much, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support and posts to me on here, it does help - even if I do not always take the advice!

 

Actually, I would have welcomed my inlaws to even visit (and they lived 5 miles away) or show any interest in their first grandson. They didn't -- to either.

 

And I KNEW my inlaws, where as you rarely know these people. Again, not trying to talk you into anything. And I chuckled when I read this from you

 

I can picture this exact same thing happening to me if I go out there to live with my fiance. It has to be the only possible outcome - if I do not know anyone else in the area, it is rural and very remote plus my own family and friends are the other side of the world, it will end up happening for sure. It wont work as I am a very opinionated and strong minded kind of person. I also have very particular views on parenting that I doubt they will agree with and I do not want to be questioned. I am very alternative and will be one of those crunchy granola mothers which so many people raise eyebrows at. But I will never allow anyone try and make me deviate from my core beliefs, because of how strongly I feel I just know it will cause loads of friction.

 

:laugh:

 

You must have missed how VOCAL I am and opinionated! Trust me, I know how to be polite and yet at the same time, dismissive. If you marry someone, you will have to learn to deal with their family .... because it is THEIR family. You shouldn't decide you dislike people, dislike their ways or traditions or any of that stuff right away with family. I can't image how my ex (or my current H) would feel if I was constantly belittling or complaining about HIS family. I know my own family have its issues (as does EVERY family) and it would hurt me greatly if he was bitching about them all the time. There is nothing wrong with doing things YOUR way; but there isn't anything wrong with listening to others view because who knows, maybe they do know something and maybe the advice could be helpful. I just hate to see you already so dismissive of these people who you don't really now. I mean, you have already decided that they will disagree with your parenting, that they will try to suffocate you, that you won't like them, that they will not have their own lives and will be at your home all the time, etc. Because of this alone, it is best if you don't marry the fiance because you have already have it in your mind how they are You are judging them based on .... remote area? Close knit family? Anyway, enough of that. I see your mind is set

 

Regarding the strong core beliefs....since you opened it up, don't you have strong beliefs about being a mistress? Don't you have strong beliefs on how others should treat you? Why do you allow such crappy behavior from this MM?

 

 

HB I can relate to this...

 

I have not even told my fiance the details of what my family are actually like, he just would not understand whatsoever based on what his family are like. I tried telling him a few snippets of information and he kind of grasps the fact that we are dysfunctional but it's one of those things, unless you have actually been through it how would you really understand what it is like to grow up in that environment?!?! It's like me trying to imagine and understand why they are the way they are.

I completely disagree. I think you should tell him because it will give him more of an insite into you. But I guess at this point, it doesn't matter since more than likely, the wedding is off way.

Yes is feels a little strange to me and unappealing if I'm honest - that there has been no challenge with my fiance in terms of 'earning' his love - he just does and I don't even have to try! That is alien to me!

 

Yes totally, when I have a long think about it, the pattern is the same - like punishment/reward. Having to earn someone's love and it feeling unrequited. Very sad.

 

I did see a therapist but the last time I went just felt she no longer understood me, going to try seeing someone else I think. Will have to be NHS as private is not something I can afford right now even though it would do me good.

 

Wow. This explains things more. It is unappealing to have someone love you without having to prove yourself, but more exciting to have someone crap on you time and time again and know that you are nothing to them.

 

Okay, I have to bow out of this thread now.

 

I wish you the best and I do want to add, I think it is kinder to the fiance to tell him sooner rather than later that the wedding is off, especially if his family/him are making plans for it. Not fair to bring it up at the last minute. Send him an email pouring it all out, that way he can either choose to respond or not.

 

Good luck.

[pureinheart]

I'm asking a serious question and I don't mean to be a smart azz.......but after what you've said here about xmm (which makes him sound like a real dickhead btw) what is it about him that makes you love him???

 

I'm asking because maybe it will help you.......and I'll explain more later.

 

Bold...:lmao: That was the name I used for exDM, a term of endearment:lmao:....

 

I know this question was directed at HB, although I got asked the same thing...we were like best friends of a love/hate relationship...

 

Now I'll check out HB's answer.

[pureinheart]

I hope you can climb out of the depression and the sadness. Sounds silly, but maybe working part time at a store during the holidays will bring you some cheer? Maybe helping others will bring you some happiness? I see you as the kind of person who DOES want to help others and being around all the holiday cheer might help you? I wish you the best of luck and I hope the new year brings you closure on the MM. I really do!

 

Have you ever worked retail during the holidays? Not fun, the public is hard to deal with on a normal basis, but the holidays is worse.

 

Do the volunteer work, it makes you feel better.

[blinded_27]

^ VERY TRUE.

 

Try rescuing a pet on death row. That's what I'm doing this weekend!!!!!!!! You will have saved a life AND found a companion that loves you back unconditionally

[desertIslandCactus]

Have you ever worked retail during the holidays? Not fun, the public is hard to deal with on a normal basis, but the holidays is worse.

 

Do the volunteer work, it makes you feel better.

 

I agree .. that so-called 'holiday cheer' isn't reserved for all. I remember my mother telling me at Christmas season she was in the grocery store .. Song was playing: "I'll be home for Christmas" .. when she had just lost my father.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

I am just so scared of making the wrong choice.

 

To me the most important thing in life was to get married and have kids. I do not want to be alone. I am frightened of finishing with my fiance then regretting it later, or never getting the chance to marry someone suitable again. Yet I feel I had a deeper conection with xMM. But even if I wanted to be with xMM and have a future with him, I can't. I have no control over that. No matter how much I want him, it is all on his terms and I do not have a say in the matter. Unless of course he actually propositioned me again in the future.

 

I am grateful that I have lost my job in a warped kind of way, it feel like my boss has set me free. I will now have enough time on my hands to try and figure out what I should do, without the pressure of having to hold down a job that I was too depressed to function and perform well at.

 

You are free, possibly more free than you think.

 

Concentrate on you at this time rather than the future with one of the two men.

 

Strive to get a job and environment that you can live with for the sake of your everyday mental health and income.

 

You should not think in terms of marrying either man. You have a future, and decisions should only be made - with certainty, with your heart.

[U2RockZz]

easy...do the human thing.....do not marry your fiance ,do not ruin his life...

[Mimolicious]

I hate to say this but.... WE TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!!

You have been battling with this a$$wipe forever now! AGH!

 

I am sorry that you are going through all of this but most that you lost your job. Sound like you may be dealing with depression. See a doctor!

[Mimolicious]

Have you ever worked retail during the holidays? Not fun, the public is hard to deal with on a normal basis, but the holidays is worse.

 

Do the volunteer work, it makes you feel better.

 

Why look at it in such a negative light? What about the holiday gig being super busy, that you wont have time to dwell on your MM and all the drama in your life?! Besides, who knows who you can meet. Possibilities are endless.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey guys,

 

I know this thread is getting a tad old but I thought I would just give you all a quick update.

 

Well I have made a decision that I will probably have to finish with the fiance. We are just incompatible in so many ways plus it is unfair on both of us to continue with this dead end online 'relationship', the last straw was when he didn't send me anything for my birthday. Neither did MM but then I wasn't expecting him to. OK so fiance is in Iraq but only the other day he was posting rugs and other bits back to his hometown in USA so not being able to get to a post office was no excuse. I have not even been able to bring myself to talk to him online since Friday.

 

I am pretty much full time in bed with the depression now. It really is spiralling and there is just not adequate support around me. My family are still excluding me, even more so since I have come down with bad depression. I am sleeping pretty much all day and night. I just can't see a way out. Seems everything is ending, my relationship with fiance, my job, plus I do not know where my next step is with regards to moving to a new town. I know I cannot stay here though, there is just nothing here for me. I feel angry and bitter, also cannot stop crying - it is so unfair that while I am in this state my family are deliberately excluding me and all out having a good time. Oh and of course xMM is nowhere to be seen. He is also getting on with the life he has built with his wife, contacting me randomly to stir up my emotions and fishing to see if I still love him seems to be enough for him. I feel sick to my stomach about EVERYTHING.

[BB07]

I get that you are having a hard time and I've been there but there comes a time when you've got to pick your butt up off the floor and do whatever it takes to fix it. If that means therapy, then go get it. If it means.........and this you absolutely need to do. CUT xmm OFF, block him, remove the ways he can contact you. You are allowing him to take you down and it's up to you to stop it, no one else can do it for you.

 

Get the help you need and be proactive with XMM.

 

Hugs..........

[Woman In Blue]

Heartbroken, nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

You've been given a prescription for your depression but you CHOOSE not to take it as it doesnt fit into your 'all natural' lifestyle. Well, God helps those who help themselves. If you CHOOSE to lay around in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself and not taking the pills you were prescribed, then you have no one to BLAME but yourself.

 

I guess that "new alternative" and/or "holistic" way of life you practice isn't working so good for you, is it? Depression is usually caused by a chemical imabalance in the brain. You can eat all the tree bark, seaweed, soy and tofu you want - it isn't going to magically cure that chemical imbalance and you're proving that every day laying in bed from morning til night. Maybe you should rethink your 'all natural' approach - cause it ain't working for you.

 

And no, I wasn't going to post yet another cloyingly patronizing piece of fluff, patting you on the back and babying you. You've gotten more than enough of that in this thread.

 

Enough wallowing, already. Be a damned adult and take your medicine.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heartbroken, nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

You've been given a prescription for your depression but you CHOOSE not to take it as it doesnt fit into your 'all natural' lifestyle. Well, God helps those who help themselves. If you CHOOSE to lay around in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself and not taking the pills you were prescribed, then you have no one to BLAME but yourself.

 

I guess that "new alternative" and/or "holistic" way of life you practice isn't working so good for you, is it? Depression is usually caused by a chemical imabalance in the brain. You can eat all the tree bark, seaweed, soy and tofu you want - it isn't going to magically cure that chemical imbalance and you're proving that every day laying in bed from morning til night. Maybe you should rethink your 'all natural' approach - cause it ain't working for you.

 

And no, I wasn't going to post yet another cloyingly patronizing piece of fluff, patting you on the back and babying you. You've gotten more than enough of that in this thread.

 

Enough wallowing, already. Be a damned adult and take your medicine.

 

It is not that I don't want to help myself. Of course I want things to change. The reason I have so many reservations about taking the Prozac is because my Mother has been addicted to them for decades, when she tried to come off them in the past when I was little she used to go psycho - smashing the house up hysterically and being physically violent towards me. I really cannot bear the thought of ending up like that.

 

Having said that I have not tried a herbal alternative to an anti depressant - I'm sure there must be something out there though.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I get that you are having a hard time and I've been there but there comes a time when you've got to pick your butt up off the floor and do whatever it takes to fix it. If that means therapy, then go get it. If it means.........and this you absolutely need to do. CUT xmm OFF, block him, remove the ways he can contact you. You are allowing him to take you down and it's up to you to stop it, no one else can do it for you.

 

Get the help you need and be proactive with XMM.

 

Hugs..........

 

The problem is not just xMM though. It is mainly the severe hurt from being repeatedly excluded by my family. I cannot change that, I cannot make them love me, care about me, be nice to me and include me.

 

Right now I am extra vulnerable for when xMM may call again, if he does I will just ignore him - or answer and give him hell. After all what happened last year with him dropping out of contact for 15 months after promising me a life with him in Rio, he STILL has the audacity to not call when he says he will. You would think he'd try hard to be extra nice to me after all the pain he has put me though.

[jthorne]

It is not that I don't want to help myself. Of course I want things to change. The reason I have so many reservations about taking the Prozac is because my Mother has been addicted to them for decades, when she tried to come off them in the past when I was little she used to go psycho - smashing the house up hysterically and being physically violent towards me. I really cannot bear the thought of ending up like that.

 

Having said that I have not tried a herbal alternative to an anti depressant - I'm sure there must be something out there though.

FTR, I am very anti-antidepressant. There is no pill on the face of the earth that is going to make things better for you. Not one. YOU have to do it. That being said, if you can't get out of bed, if a pill will help give you that push to do something for yourself, then you must at least try it.

 

What happened to your mum may not necessarily happen to you. It's my understanding that when one wishes to stop taking antidepressants, one must do it slowly, not cold turkey. Quitting cold turkey is what causes what you have described, from what I've read and heard from others. Again, you can not look at it as a quick fix. It's a long process. If your mum had problems with depression, then you may have the same biochemistry that makes you susceptible to it as well.

The problem is not just xMM though. It is mainly the severe hurt from being repeatedly excluded by my family. I cannot change that, I cannot make them love me, care about me, be nice to me and include me.

 

Right now I am extra vulnerable for when xMM may call again, if he does I will just ignore him - or answer and give him hell. After all what happened last year with him dropping out of contact for 15 months after promising me a life with him in Rio, he STILL has the audacity to not call when he says he will. You would think he'd try hard to be extra nice to me after all the pain he has put me though.

In regards to your family, you can do things to show them that you are trying to improve yourself. You can get out of bed, start the Prozac, continue your couseling, get a job, work on you. There's a reason they are not including you. It's most likely because you will not deal with your issues and those issues cause you to behave in a way they can not condone. So you fix you, and they will come around.

 

Hopefully, if you start the hard work on yourself, things with xMM will be clearer. Contact with him, or even wished contact with him is the last thing you need right now.

 

You are at a turning point. You can take one turn and start on a brighter path, or you can continue your current course and be miserable. What you are doing now obviously isn't working.

 

So it's up to you to make that choice to believe in yourself and do the work to make things better.