An Update From Me...Very Low And Need Support

[bestplayer]

I'm asking a serious question and I don't mean to be a smart azz.......but after what you've said here about xmm (which makes him sound like a real dickhead btw) what is it about him that makes you love him???

 

I'm asking because maybe it will help you.......and I'll explain more later.

 

completely agree . Despite knowing that you are engaged , your xmm who is much older than you , wants to keep you around for some change .

Would you mind using your brain , at least sometimes ?

[OWoman]

(((((hugs))))) xHBx

 

Please start taking the Prozac... it takes a while to kick in, so putting it off isn't doing yourself any favours. I'm not a big supporter of drugs either, but I've seen too many friends suffer unaided through depression - not always making it - and Prozac does really seem to help, if only for the relief you need to be able to start making the kind of changes and choices you need to make to let you feel in charge of your life again.

 

I know the weather in the UK is awful right now, but if you can tear yourself out of your warm home to go for a walk out in the crisp autumn air, you'll find the exercise helps too. And, if you're feeling really horrible, then walking uphill against a stormwind can really help too.

 

Beyond that - I agree with the others. Don't make any decisions under pressure. It's your life, and your right to live it as you choose. You know your xMM has nothing to offer you - aside from the occasional broken promise - and you have only to reread your old threads here to know how awful you felt each time he toyed with you and discarded you on a whim. It may have felt like a solid connection at one time, but the intensity of the addiction (still not out of your system after all this time!) does support the suggestions of "grooming" (whether conscious, or simply co-dependent - either way, very unhealthy for you!)

 

You worry about M and kids... Those of us who M young and had kids with the "wrong" person will tell you it's far better not to, than to do it with the wrong person and then have to undo it (the M - I don't think you can undo kids?) especially with others dependent on you. If you do decide to M, make sure it's to the right person. Rushing into anything won't give you that assurance - wait until your heart and your head are giving you a clear message one way or another. If your fiance is the loving guy you describe, he'll understand your need not to rush things.

 

Take care of yourself!

[harmfulsweetz]

Are you sure you really need to be in a relationship right now? It sounds like your head is all over the place, and you need to sort that out before you can even think about someone else. I'm not saying that to be cruel or anything, just realistic.

 

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place *hugs* but I don't think you're helping matters by placing unnecessary strain on yourself. Be honest-you have a lot to deal with emotionally right now-LDR, depression, loss of job, (all of which will work out in the end as they are supposed to)-you don't need to be toying with this man anymore. What I mean is-don't add this on top of everything else.

 

You still love him, which to me, means that perhaps you ought to reconsider your engagement. You need to get yourself emotionally stable for such a commitment to someone, which you aren't.

 

I think you need to go with your gut on this one. Do you think if you reinstate yourself in your xMM's life he will one day leave his wife for you? Just don't hurt yourself in this, and don't be led on by him.

[whichwayisup]

Great post GEL and I'd like to add one more thing if I may.

 

People that really love you will have your best interest at heart, they will not hurt you over and over again. Also.........when you feel a deep and good love for someone it will be for the good qualities they possess, not for how they make you feel.

 

I agree here..

 

What you feel/felt for MM you won't feel that intensity for anybody else. Each love is different and can't be compared. The affair dynamic is different, the whole thing about it isn't like love between two single people (u know what I mean, right?) The A ended, but because he is married. Nt because of fighting, or him being an ahole, or treating you poorly, so you don'tknow if you two were truly a good fit, outside of the affair dynamic, testing love out in the world together, as a couple, no affair.

 

Heartbroken, please seek help for your depression; you don't want to make any major life decisions until you get your mood stabilized. Once you begin to feel better you'll be able to operate from a position of strength and make decisions about work and your relationship with a sense of clarity, not fear. Take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place.

 

 

talk therapy! CBT will help you cope.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey guys just want to thank you all very much for the support over the last 24 hours, every post has been helpful and much appreciated. I have just got in from a long bike ride home in the cold and rain (yes I actually went out today!!!), going to take a nice long hot shower then will be back to reply to you all individually.

[Eeyore79]

You still love him, which to me, means that perhaps you ought to reconsider your engagement. You need to get yourself emotionally stable for such a commitment to someone, which you aren't.

 

I have to agree with this. If you're still in love with xMM, how can you be 100% in love with and committed to your fiance? And if you're having feelings for anyone other than your fiance, you really shouldn't be marrying him. He deserves to marry a woman who loves only him.

[fooled once]

Fooled Once - Yes I remember you saying once before about your Father, it must have been very tough on you and the rest of your family - especially because communication options were limited back then.

 

My fiance is military police, so never on the front line and he has reassured me that his job is low risk, and that Iraq itself is pretty safe right now. I do take my hat off to him for doing what he does, I really don't know how he copes.

 

I hope you can understand that I really do not feel I can break off the engagement right now. He has enough going on out there without drama from me added to the equation, it would also be so nasty of me to do it over IM - I am definitely a face to face kinda person. Not only that but I am worried about making a decision I will regret. OK so I have cold feet right now but if fiance was here with me I can't help thinking things would be different and I wouldn't even be having these doubts. If I break up with him and regret it a year or so down the line, going back will not be an option. It is not like moving to a new city or chosing a job - if the wrong choice is made in those circumstances then you can move on or go back. With something like this, if it's over then it's over, no return.

 

He actually seems oblivious to my unhappiness though. He is still always talking about the future so nothing seems to have changed on his part.

 

Minnie - Yes I cannot even believe that 2 years on, and not even having seen him in that time, I still love him as much as ever. I would love to know why too!!! Makes me think that if my feeling are this strong then it has to have been real love, right? I think he was my soulmate. Pity I obviously wasn't his. It feels so gut wrenching to love someone and not only not have them available to you, but knowing they have built the life with someone else that you desire to have with them. Whilst making empty promises and cruelly abandoning you. That is just so painful, the most painful thing I have ever been through. My first few threads on here from a couple of years back will vouch for that!

 

I can honestly say that my fiance was not a rebound, I got with him over a year after last seeing MM so it was technically plenty of time to have moved on a little, and people kept telling me to start dating to help me get over him. When I met my fiance I was totally swept away in a whirlwind romance, yes a part of me still loved MM but he had gone to the back of my mind as opposed to being at the forefront pretty much 24/7. As time has gone on, particularly since fiance went to Iraq in June, I have increasingly missed the amazingly intense connection I shared with MM.

 

Heart ((hug)) Please read what I bolded. NO NO NO - just because you feel this 'intense' love does not make it real love.

 

How can you love someone who has crapped all over you time and time again? He only contacts you sporadically at best - he went almost 2 years without contacting you after "offering" you to go spend time with him and be his mistress while his wife and kids were in another country. You waited and waited and waited for him to recontact you and he never did!

 

For whatever reason, you are holding onto a FRIENDSHIP you felt - it wasn't love from HIM. He was using you, manipulating you. He saw how vulnerable you were and took advantage of it. LOVE doesn't hurt like he has hurt you. You are clinging to a fantasy, not reality. He doesn't love you. He wants sex from you. He wants to cheat on his wife. He isn't offering you anything - NOTHING. Hell, he can't even CONTACT you when he says he is. Please please please --- stop romanticizing what you think you HAD with him.

 

Love is being there day in and day out.

Love is wanting the BEST for your partner

Love is giving up for your partner

Love is supportive and caring

Love is making compromises for each other.

Love is giving to your partner

Love is NOT selfish

Love is NOT cruel

Love is NOT hurtful (not that at times you can't be hurt by the person you love, but that is not the same as being HURTFUL.)

 

This MM is a liar, a jerk and not someone who looks out for anyone but HIMSELF. He doesn't care about you as a PERSON. He sees you as a warm body and he KNOWS you are still all caught up in him and he exploits that. He gives you just enough to get you on the hook and then lets you flounder and wonder.

 

PLEASE stop allowing him to control you! You don't want to be a mistress - you want to be a wife, a mother, a partner. You will NOT get that with him.

 

(((((hugs))))) xHBx

 

Please start taking the Prozac... it takes a while to kick in, so putting it off isn't doing yourself any favours. ....I've seen too many friends suffer unaided through depression - not always making it - and Prozac does really seem to help, if only for the relief you need to be able to start making the kind of changes and choices you need to make to let you feel in charge of your life again.

 

Beyond that - I agree with the others. Don't make any decisions under pressure. It's your life, and your right to live it as you choose. You know your xMM has nothing to offer you - aside from the occasional broken promise - and you have only to reread your old threads here to know how awful you felt each time he toyed with you and discarded you on a whim. It may have felt like a solid connection at one time, but the intensity of the addiction (still not out of your system after all this time!) does support the suggestions of "grooming" (whether conscious, or simply co-dependent - either way, very unhealthy for you!)

 

You worry about M and kids... Those of us who M young and had kids with the "wrong" person will tell you it's far better not to, than to do it with the wrong person and then have to undo it (the M - I don't think you can undo kids?) especially with others dependent on you. If you do decide to M, make sure it's to the right person. Rushing into anything won't give you that assurance - wait until your heart and your head are giving you a clear message one way or another. If your fiance is the loving guy you describe, he'll understand your need not to rush things.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

I agree.

 

I also married young and had a son at 24. While I am no longer with his father, I do not regret my marriage or my son. I had to go through that to get to the place I am today.

 

I do not believe YOU need to continue to be at the MM's beck and call.

 

You were much more confident in your love for your fiance PRIOR to the MM contacting you months ago. Ever since then, your love for your fiance has been slipping and you are questioning it all. You were so excited about making a chance, a move to the US. Now, you are deciding his family will control you and make decisions for you. I think you are just so used to dysfunction that you have no idea what 'normal' families are like. I also don't think your fiance would let anyone control him and tell him how to live his life.

 

I know you are desperate for love. I think many of us have felt that at all times. But I don't believe and would bet my salary for the rest of my life that your future is NOT with the MM. Is it with the fiance? I have no idea. Time will tell. But you cannot - CANNOT - marry him if you have love in your heart for the MM. That isn't fair to your fiance.

 

Good luck!

[GreenEyedLady]

At this point, the fiancee does not matter.

 

Let's focus on Heartbroken. SHE deserves to marry the love of her life. Take the fiancee out of the equation. What is fair or not is neither here nor there.

 

Heartbroken, I hope you're doing better. Keep posting and focus on YOU!

 

((HUGS))

[NoIDidn't]

Heartbroken

 

You mention that you took a long bike ride in a post and were going to take a long bath. Keep doing these. Especially the bike rides, at least three hours worth a week for a month or so. You may still need to take an antidepressant, but you might find some relief and clarity with those activities.

 

Regarding xMM and the fiance, I can't help but think they are symptoms of the same fear. I think the fear of being alone and not having a husband and children one day is just scratching the surface. Not trying to diagnose you, as I am not a doctor, just food for thought. You mention your sister cutting you out of her celebration. Sounds like abandonment, and a feeling you are well-acquainted with given the things you have posted in the past.

 

Having a husband and children won't ever solve feelings of abandonment or actual abandonment - not that this is the cause of your feelings, just a possibility. Consider looking up abandonment and see if it resonates with you.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heartbroken,

 

Fear is paralyzing. It keeps you from doing ANYTHING. Let me tell you my story.

 

I was probably much like you. I wanted to be married and have kids as my family married young and forever.

 

I married at 23. I had two babies with a man I should NEVER have married. Fear kept me married to him. And then I decided that I would be successful, man or not. I finished my master's degree and I left him with a 2 year old and 4 year old.

 

And I do not regret leaving him and embarking on the rest of my life.

 

Fear does no good. Life will go on. No matter what choice you make. The funny thing about life is that when enough time passes, everything is forgotten. So live your life so you do not forget what is important.

 

Your life is not defined by your marital status or number of children or even number of years married. Your life is defined THE WAY YOU DEFINE IT.

 

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just listen to that still small voice inside you. Right now it seems like if you don't marry him your life MAY be ruined. Nothing is ever fully ruined. It is what you make it.

 

When you love a man and he loves you, it will happen and be right. You will not have doubts. You will know. If you have any doubts, don't do it. It's not right for you. And having been through a traumatic first marriage, be sure. It is not easy to divorce and when you have kids it's difficult to see them hurt and know that you are a part in that hurt even if it's removed.

 

GEL

 

Hi again GEL,

 

Yes I know that to marry the wrong person just for the sake of getting married would be a nightmare. I am a relatively young 28 and about to turn 29 on Sunday, and already alot of my friends and aquaintances who are EVEN YOUNGER THAN ME are divorced and/or stuck with kids and a single Mother. It seems a common mistake to make!

 

I think women are under alot of pressure to meet the right man and have kids young because of the 'fertility dropping after 35' issue. To me having a family and getting married has always been my ultimate goal, even from a very young age I never saw myself as having a career, I guess I perhaps wanted to just follow in my Mothers footsteps and be a housewife.

 

However I have seen her and my Father go through hell, when I was young we may have had everything materially - a massive house just outside London, fancy cars etc and my Mum didn't even work or anything. However I/we also suffered SEVERE psychological/emotional and physical abuse. I remember living in fear of my Father coming in drunk and wondering which one of us he would beat to a pulp that day. I coped with so much name callling, screaming, shouting, hitting, blaming, manipulating, kicking, being forced to stand outside the front of the house in the cold/rain due to being 'such an awful child' with my Dad threatening violence if I dared come back in. Urgh it was awful. Some of the time my parents would be ok though, but with my Dad's alcoholism and my Mums severe depression and addiction to Prozac made us very dysfunctional and their mood changed from one day to the next.

 

I almost DID make a terrible mistake, I was engaged to a man 5 years ago who became abusive - no violence but very controlling and verbally abusive, also he denied me any sex or physical affection. It was the hardest thing in the world to leave him as I had never stood on my own two feet financially and I was also scared I would not meet anyone else, but finally did in November '06 with the support of a friend. So I moved away from him into the house I am still living, in a roommate situation which is how I met the MM when he started renting a room in this house a few months later too.

 

The thing is, I think my current fiance DOES love me, which makes me so sad because although that part is right, I just feel we are chalk and cheese and cannot see myself fitting into his close knit, intimate family.

 

I would really love to give things a go with xMM as I have never been able to stop feeling the way I do about him no matter what, yet do not feel I could cheat on my fiance, also he has once again dropped off the radar so I seriously doubt whether he has any intention of ever being with me seriously. Would be interesting to see what would happen if the s*** hit the fan and for whatever reason, his marriage DID fail - would he come knocking on my door wanting to be with me? Or does he have several contacts worldwide who he keeps on the side 'just in case' he ever needs female company on a business trip, he gets bored, or for a safety net for if he did ever break up with his wife? Will never know.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Great post GEL and I'd like to add one more thing if I may.

 

People that really love you will have your best interest at heart, they will not hurt you over and over again. Also.........when you feel a deep and good love for someone it will be for the good qualities they possess, not for how they make you feel.

 

Surely, the way they make you feel has to be important too?

 

I am not sure I understand this, please may you elaborate on the reasons why? Thanks

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

completely agree . Despite knowing that you are engaged , your xmm who is much older than you , wants to keep you around for some change .

Would you mind using your brain , at least sometimes ?

 

Yes, MM seems to have no qualms about persuing me despite the fact that I am engaged. When he told me in July this year that because I am engaged he will leave me alone and let me just get on with my life, it must have just been part of his game, to make me want him more. And it worked. I would use my brain, only I am very depressed right now therefore my brain is a bit broken and I cannot think straight!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

(((((hugs))))) xHBx

 

Please start taking the Prozac... it takes a while to kick in, so putting it off isn't doing yourself any favours. I'm not a big supporter of drugs either, but I've seen too many friends suffer unaided through depression - not always making it - and Prozac does really seem to help, if only for the relief you need to be able to start making the kind of changes and choices you need to make to let you feel in charge of your life again.

 

I know the weather in the UK is awful right now, but if you can tear yourself out of your warm home to go for a walk out in the crisp autumn air, you'll find the exercise helps too. And, if you're feeling really horrible, then walking uphill against a stormwind can really help too.

 

Beyond that - I agree with the others. Don't make any decisions under pressure. It's your life, and your right to live it as you choose. You know your xMM has nothing to offer you - aside from the occasional broken promise - and you have only to reread your old threads here to know how awful you felt each time he toyed with you and discarded you on a whim. It may have felt like a solid connection at one time, but the intensity of the addiction (still not out of your system after all this time!) does support the suggestions of "grooming" (whether conscious, or simply co-dependent - either way, very unhealthy for you!)

 

You worry about M and kids... Those of us who M young and had kids with the "wrong" person will tell you it's far better not to, than to do it with the wrong person and then have to undo it (the M - I don't think you can undo kids?) especially with others dependent on you. If you do decide to M, make sure it's to the right person. Rushing into anything won't give you that assurance - wait until your heart and your head are giving you a clear message one way or another. If your fiance is the loving guy you describe, he'll understand your need not to rush things.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

It is just a little scary being prescribed Prozac as my Mum has been addicted to the stuff for decades and is like a zombie I do not want to end up like her in that respect. I tried another brand of anti depressent back when I was 18 and was put off because it gave me night terrors and made me feel 'out of it' during the day. I stopped after 2 weeks.

 

I probably get enough exercise anyway without trying as I cycle everywhere, every time I go out. I know I could be doing even more as when I am on top form I work out for about 10 hours per week, I really want to start getting back into it. I just have no energy right now though. I hate to admit it but today I have slept on and off until 4pm.

 

As I said to GEL a couple of posts ago, to marry and have kids was the most important thing to me. I do not have a career and am not interested in having one. I want to be a wife and mother. Just seems impossible for me to find the right person and it feel right. It would be my dream for it to happen with xMM but it is unlikely given his behaviour.

 

I want to have kids, lots of them, so will need to start having them soon in case I cannot have them when I am in my late 30's. It is so much pressure, it really is. Why couldn't I just have met my perfect match 10 years ago and started having them when my fertility was at its peak? So depressing.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Are you sure you really need to be in a relationship right now? It sounds like your head is all over the place, and you need to sort that out before you can even think about someone else. I'm not saying that to be cruel or anything, just realistic.

 

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place *hugs* but I don't think you're helping matters by placing unnecessary strain on yourself. Be honest-you have a lot to deal with emotionally right now-LDR, depression, loss of job, (all of which will work out in the end as they are supposed to)-you don't need to be toying with this man anymore. What I mean is-don't add this on top of everything else.

 

You still love him, which to me, means that perhaps you ought to reconsider your engagement. You need to get yourself emotionally stable for such a commitment to someone, which you aren't.

 

I think you need to go with your gut on this one. Do you think if you reinstate yourself in your xMM's life he will one day leave his wife for you? Just don't hurt yourself in this, and don't be led on by him.

 

Hi there and thanks for the support.

 

I do not know what the MM's intentions are, he is a liar and holds information back from me. Time will tell.

 

But you are right, I cannot get married whilst I am still feeling this way. Hopefully, if things go right with my fiance and we still decide we want to marry upon his return from Iraq in June - he will maybe agree to take things a little slower. Feel absolutely terrible about that as I was the one who wanted to rush things when we first met, probably for fear he would change his mind about me and abandon me.

[BB07]

I did elaborate on it heartbroken, maybe you missed it, here is my prior post.

 

People that really love you will have your best interest at heart, they will not hurt you over and over again. Also.........when you feel a deep and good love for someone it will be for the good qualities they possess, not for how they make you feel.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I did elaborate on it heartbroken, maybe you missed it, here is my prior post.

 

Ahh yes I see it now, sorry I just didn't take it in when I read it first time! Thanks.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm not a psychologist but from what you've said it seems to me that you were going through a difficult time in your life and he (MM) "took you away" so to speak from those bad feelings. It's akin to trauma bonding.

 

There's solid psychology behind that dynamic. It would explain why you still feel the way you do about him despite his obvious lack of consideration for you.

 

Like BB pointed out, the reasons you love him all pertain to how he made you feel at that point in your life. If you look at him now (described by your posts of the last year or so), there's nothing that's redeeming about him at all...yet, you can't really see that like we can.

 

There's usually a deeper root to this type of situation stemming back to prior abuse. Have you considered counseling to help you work through this? There's something else at play here and I don't think it has anything to do with love for this man. From the way he's treated you aside from the beginning, there's nothing to love about him.

 

Yes he did help me through some very hard times, he was a very good friend to me at one point, when he abandoned me my whole world fell apart. I had never felt pain like it. I think becase of that, and the lack of closure is the reason I cannot stop 'loving' him.

 

I do have a history of abuse going back to early childhood which I went into a little in a post replying to GEL. It is very sad that I went through what I did, and the same patterns are repeating themselves during adulthood.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heart ((hug)) Please read what I bolded. NO NO NO - just because you feel this 'intense' love does not make it real love.

 

How can you love someone who has crapped all over you time and time again? He only contacts you sporadically at best - he went almost 2 years without contacting you after "offering" you to go spend time with him and be his mistress while his wife and kids were in another country. You waited and waited and waited for him to recontact you and he never did!

 

For whatever reason, you are holding onto a FRIENDSHIP you felt - it wasn't love from HIM. He was using you, manipulating you. He saw how vulnerable you were and took advantage of it. LOVE doesn't hurt like he has hurt you. You are clinging to a fantasy, not reality. He doesn't love you. He wants sex from you. He wants to cheat on his wife. He isn't offering you anything - NOTHING. Hell, he can't even CONTACT you when he says he is. Please please please --- stop romanticizing what you think you HAD with him.

 

Love is being there day in and day out.

Love is wanting the BEST for your partner

Love is giving up for your partner

Love is supportive and caring

Love is making compromises for each other.

Love is giving to your partner

Love is NOT selfish

Love is NOT cruel

Love is NOT hurtful (not that at times you can't be hurt by the person you love, but that is not the same as being HURTFUL.)

 

This MM is a liar, a jerk and not someone who looks out for anyone but HIMSELF. He doesn't care about you as a PERSON. He sees you as a warm body and he KNOWS you are still all caught up in him and he exploits that. He gives you just enough to get you on the hook and then lets you flounder and wonder.

 

PLEASE stop allowing him to control you! You don't want to be a mistress - you want to be a wife, a mother, a partner. You will NOT get that with him.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

I also married young and had a son at 24. While I am no longer with his father, I do not regret my marriage or my son. I had to go through that to get to the place I am today.

 

I do not believe YOU need to continue to be at the MM's beck and call.

 

You were much more confident in your love for your fiance PRIOR to the MM contacting you months ago. Ever since then, your love for your fiance has been slipping and you are questioning it all. You were so excited about making a chance, a move to the US. Now, you are deciding his family will control you and make decisions for you. I think you are just so used to dysfunction that you have no idea what 'normal' families are like. I also don't think your fiance would let anyone control him and tell him how to live his life.

 

I know you are desperate for love. I think many of us have felt that at all times. But I don't believe and would bet my salary for the rest of my life that your future is NOT with the MM. Is it with the fiance? I have no idea. Time will tell. But you cannot - CANNOT - marry him if you have love in your heart for the MM. That isn't fair to your fiance.

 

Good luck!

 

Well I was actually having doubts about my fiance before MM got back into contact, he just made it worse. But I was scared by his friends and family long before MM got back in touch. When I went to the States to visit, he still has a room in his parents house even though he is 39. Trust me when I say this - they are too close knit for my liking, and they all live within about a 3 mile radius of each other.

 

My fiances plan is to build us a house on the land he has inherited which is just up the road from them all. So I can just imagine what will happen - I will move over there to be with him, and be forced to mix with them all on a regular basis. He is close to them and is always doing favours for his parents, I have images of his Mother always knocking on our door to give us her homemade apple pie. Coming round uninvited when we decide to have a quiet night together. And I will have to go to all the social events with him which is too much for me and I dont feel I could do it. I went to an event when he took me to his hometown and I felt like a fish out of water, it was awful. They were nice, dont get me wrong, but just not my type of people. Just all over me and I hate strangers touching me.

 

I can just imagine what it will be like when we have kids too - his family will just all take over. I cannot think of anything worse than being stuck in a place where I do not fit in, with a young baby and everyone trying to invade.

 

Makes me angry in a way, that my fiance seems to think that I will just drop everything here and automatically fit in with his life and what he wants to do.

 

Yet, as I have said before - I cannot discuss any of these fears or my cold feet with him now as it is inappropriate with him being away and only having IM for communication. It has got the the point where I am avoiding being onlineas talking to him is such a strain when I am unable to discuss what I REALLY want to talk about, and his small talk and generic one word answers to everything are just frustrating. I feel like an absolute b**** but just don't know the best way to handle all this. It is too much. With all the issues I am facing right now and battling depression, I just want to make it all stop.

[Star_Bright]

Hi heartbroken, there is more to life than being a wife and mother. You need to care about yourself and your own needs first so that you can be a happy, whole person who can *then* be a good wife and mother. What are you interests all to yourself? Bike-riding? Awesome. Bike ride lots! What else?

 

The most important relationship you can ever have is with yourself! I'm just in the process of discovering that now. I need to find out who I am as a person and love myself as a person before I can even think about being anyone else's partner, or mother. Because I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy.

 

And I'm sure you know that if your goal is to be a wife and mother, your MM is not good partnership material! He's a cheating husband! You can do better. Move on and love yourself until you can find a good man. Maybe it will be your current fiance, maybe someone else, but my opinion is that at this point it's too early to tell because first you have to spend some time alone, learning to love yourself. Good luck girl.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I agree here..

 

What you feel/felt for MM you won't feel that intensity for anybody else. Each love is different and can't be compared. The affair dynamic is different, the whole thing about it isn't like love between two single people (u know what I mean, right?) The A ended, but because he is married. Nt because of fighting, or him being an ahole, or treating you poorly, so you don'tknow if you two were truly a good fit, outside of the affair dynamic, testing love out in the world together, as a couple, no affair.

 

Totally, we were a brilliant match in my opinion - and then our 'relationship' was cruelly cut short by him so if I never see him again I will always be wondering what could have been. How we would have got on together as an official couple in proper day to day life situations, and making it public. So sad that I will probably never know. Although perhaps we were not as great as I keep romanticising, he has caused me so much grief since.

 

As jj33 has said to me in previous threads, the problem is not that he is married, it's that he is a nasty, selfish person. I did not even see this side to him until he abandoned me the first time with no remorse. Perhaps this side of his personality was always there even during our friendship, but I did not pick up on subtle clues.

 

But yes I see what you are saying in that there was no arguing, fighting etc between us. It's not like we ever 'broke up' on bad terms. The main reason it ended is because he is married, but the actual problem is that he is a bad man

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heartbroken

 

You mention that you took a long bike ride in a post and were going to take a long bath. Keep doing these. Especially the bike rides, at least three hours worth a week for a month or so. You may still need to take an antidepressant, but you might find some relief and clarity with those activities.

 

Regarding xMM and the fiance, I can't help but think they are symptoms of the same fear. I think the fear of being alone and not having a husband and children one day is just scratching the surface. Not trying to diagnose you, as I am not a doctor, just food for thought. You mention your sister cutting you out of her celebration. Sounds like abandonment, and a feeling you are well-acquainted with given the things you have posted in the past.

 

Having a husband and children won't ever solve feelings of abandonment or actual abandonment - not that this is the cause of your feelings, just a possibility. Consider looking up abandonment and see if it resonates with you.

 

Please take care of yourself.

 

Thanks for the support NID.

 

I always cycle, and not just by choice - it is how I travel around everywhere so I am getting plenty of exercise as a bonus. Although I am feeling very out of shape right now as I am used to doing intense aerobic/weight training/kickboxing and toning sessions which I have not done for months. I need to get back on it as soon as get enough energy and motivation back.

 

Yes I am VERY familiar with terrible feelings of abandonment. It keeps happening to me and I don't know why. It is emotional agony going through abandonment. Bad enough that I have PLENTY going on right now with the depression and what is happening with xMM and my cold feet about fiance, plus losing my job and being in this town on my own away from alot of friends and all my family etc. But to have not only no support from my relatives, but actual ABUSE thrown at me via text and on Facebook by one of my sisters. All the while none of the others are calling/texting or emailing me to say they are thinking of me and whether I am doing ok. I feel not only hurt, but severe anger towards them for not caring. I even warned my sister that I cannot handle any more emotional turmoil right now as I have enough going on, and that I want to be her friend and move on from whatever I did to upset her. And she still, STILL either ignores me or writes MORE abuse back at me. I really cannot take it, I just can't right now.

 

If anyone reading this understands how this feels it would be good to talk about it. I just feel so alone. And to make matters worse, my sisters and their boyfriends are all in a clique and stick up for one another when one of them falls out with me. I am the underdog, the easy target as I have no team on my side, EVER. Talk about kicking someone when they are down, and kicking them where it hurts.

 

They must be bitter, twisted bullies who are unhappy with their own lives, else why would they get pleasure from my tears and pain?

 

Soooooo unbelievably cruel of them all, to isolate me like this, I feel my blood boiling as I write.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hi heartbroken, there is more to life than being a wife and mother. You need to care about yourself and your own needs first so that you can be a happy, whole person who can *then* be a good wife and mother. What are you interests all to yourself? Bike-riding? Awesome. Bike ride lots! What else?

 

I have alot of interests, I love my own company (when I am not depressed of course!)

 

Love bike riding and am doing plenty of that right now. I love general keeping fit and eating well but due to how I feel those areas have been neglected. Wish I could lose a few pounds right now, all the lack of exercise and comfort eating has caught up with me very quickly.

 

I love music, wanted to be a house music DJ over a decade back but was deterred by people putting me down saying it was pointless and that I would never do it. Would still love persue that if I could. I also had ideas about learning to be a percussionist, even now I am laughed at and told I would not be suitable.

 

Love animals but living in a communal house and no pets allowed. Could really do with a lovely snuggly cat right now to fuss over and keep me company.

 

Love reading, but was very busy until recently with working hard and being busy so never get to fit a good book in anymore. With this time I have off work there is no excuse, once I start feeling a little better I will start to focus more on what I enjoy.

[fooled once]

At this point, the fiancee does not matter.

 

Let's focus on Heartbroken. SHE deserves to marry the love of her life. Take the fiancee out of the equation. What is fair or not is neither here nor there.

 

Heartbroken, I hope you're doing better. Keep posting and focus on YOU!

 

((HUGS))

 

He does matter. Maybe not to you, but to her, he does. She stated before how she loves him and she got engaged to him. So sooner or later, he will need to be told she is breaking the engagement. Her "love of her life" is a married scumbag. I hardly think he is what she should hold out for. He has hurt her, used her and disregarded her.

 

Heartbroken

 

You mention that you took a long bike ride in a post and were going to take a long bath. Keep doing these. Especially the bike rides, at least three hours worth a week for a month or so. You may still need to take an antidepressant, but you might find some relief and clarity with those activities.

 

Regarding xMM and the fiance, I can't help but think they are symptoms of the same fear. I think the fear of being alone and not having a husband and children one day is just scratching the surface. Not trying to diagnose you, as I am not a doctor, just food for thought. You mention your sister cutting you out of her celebration. Sounds like abandonment, and a feeling you are well-acquainted with given the things you have posted in the past.

 

Having a husband and children won't ever solve feelings of abandonment or actual abandonment - not that this is the cause of your feelings, just a possibility. Consider looking up abandonment and see if it resonates with you.

 

Please take care of yourself.

 

Good post!

 

I would really love to give things a go with xMM as I have never been able to stop feeling the way I do about him no matter what, yet do not feel I could cheat on my fiance, also he has once again dropped off the radar so I seriously doubt whether he has any intention of ever being with me seriously. Would be interesting to see what would happen if the s*** hit the fan and for whatever reason, his marriage DID fail - would he come knocking on my door wanting to be with me? Or does he have several contacts worldwide who he keeps on the side 'just in case' he ever needs female company on a business trip, he gets bored, or for a safety net for if he did ever break up with his wife? Will never know.

 

This is what scares me so bad about you. You will wait and wait and see if one day this as* leaves and you will happily take him back. He will use you until he finds someone else...and you will be broken hearted again.

 

 

Well I was actually having doubts about my fiance before MM got back into contact, he just made it worse. But I was scared by his friends and family long before MM got back in touch. When I went to the States to visit, he still has a room in his parents house even though he is 39. Trust me when I say this - they are too close knit for my liking, and they all live within about a 3 mile radius of each other.

 

My fiances plan is to build us a house on the land he has inherited which is just up the road from them all. So I can just imagine what will happen - I will move over there to be with him, and be forced to mix with them all on a regular basis. He is close to them and is always doing favours for his parents, I have images of his Mother always knocking on our door to give us her homemade apple pie. Coming round uninvited when we decide to have a quiet night together. And I will have to go to all the social events with him which is too much for me and I dont feel I could do it. I went to an event when he took me to his hometown and I felt like a fish out of water, it was awful. They were nice, dont get me wrong, but just not my type of people. Just all over me and I hate strangers touching me.

 

I can just imagine what it will be like when we have kids too - his family will just all take over. I cannot think of anything worse than being stuck in a place where I do not fit in, with a young baby and everyone trying to invade.

 

Makes me angry in a way, that my fiance seems to think that I will just drop everything here and automatically fit in with his life and what he wants to do.

 

Yet, as I have said before - I cannot discuss any of these fears or my cold feet with him now as it is inappropriate with him being away and only having IM for communication. It has got the the point where I am avoiding being onlineas talking to him is such a strain when I am unable to discuss what I REALLY want to talk about, and his small talk and generic one word answers to everything are just frustrating. I feel like an absolute b**** but just don't know the best way to handle all this. It is too much. With all the issues I am facing right now and battling depression, I just want to make it all stop.

 

See, IMHO, you don't know his family yet have already decided you don't like them. My son will ALWAYS have a room at my home - no matter how old he is. I have a room at my parents home for when I go visit - this is a place they have moved to prior to my remarriage. IMHO, kids are always welcome back at home.

 

The fiance did what MANY military people do - they give up their own place since they are deployed or moving around. It is really sad you have discarded these people who you don't know and are making assumptions about how they will be. Many people don't move far from their parents - until my parents moved away after retiring, I was 3 miles from them. I loved it as I loved having the help around when my son was young and I was a new mother. They never acted like you are suggesting your fiance's family acts. You are just not accustomed to a close knit family and actually, it can be pretty cool. I wish I lived closer to my nieces and nephews. But the way you grew up was in abuse, intolerance and avoidance and have no love. You are just scared of the unknown.

 

By NO means am I saying stay with the fiance - actually, I think it would be wrong of you to do so because you are IN LOVE with someone else. I think it is sad that you will not let go of the MM. I think your fiance deserves someone who only loves him and wants to build a life and a family with him. That isn't you.

 

I am nto trying to hurt you - I wouldn't be responding here if I didn't care. I have followed your story since I first came to LS and lurked. I think you deserve far better than the pittance you tolerate and accept from the MM and I truly see you alone in the future because you refuse to let go of this guy. You will wait and wait to see if he calls, to see if he wants to see you. I don't see him divorcing because he is a COWARD and cowards always take the easy way out. He has dumped you time and time again yet you keep wanting more. This is, IMHO, because of how you grew up with little love and little acceptance. So you are feeling the same way about the MM - you want attention from him - even negative attention - because in your mind, that might mean he cares. He doesn't. People who love someone do NOT treat them this way Heart ((hugs))

 

I hope you can climb out of the depression and the sadness. Sounds silly, but maybe working part time at a store during the holidays will bring you some cheer? Maybe helping others will bring you some happiness? I see you as the kind of person who DOES want to help others and being around all the holiday cheer might help you? I wish you the best of luck and I hope the new year brings you closure on the MM. I really do!

[GreenEyedLady]

He does matter. Maybe not to you, but to her, he does. She stated before how she loves him and she got engaged to him. So sooner or later, he will need to be told she is breaking the engagement. Her "love of her life" is a married scumbag. I hardly think he is what she should hold out for. He has hurt her, used her and disregarded her.

 

You know what they say about ASSUMING...

 

I didn't mean the love of her life was XMM.

 

Everyone deserves to marry the love of their life. For the record, I don't think XMM or her fiancee are the love of her life or she wouldn't be so conflicted.

 

So pull your claws back in, because you don't like what I said you completely misinterpreted what I meant.

 

And that is for Heartbroken to eventually marry the love of her life who she has probably not met yet.

 

GEL

Edited November 10, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

He does matter. Maybe not to you, but to her, he does. She stated before how she loves him and she got engaged to him. So sooner or later, he will need to be told she is breaking the engagement. Her "love of her life" is a married scumbag. I hardly think he is what she should hold out for. He has hurt her, used her and disregarded her.

 

This is what scares me so bad about you. You will wait and wait and see if one day this as* leaves and you will happily take him back. He will use you until he finds someone else...and you will be broken hearted again.

 

See, IMHO, you don't know his family yet have already decided you don't like them. My son will ALWAYS have a room at my home - no matter how old he is. I have a room at my parents home for when I go visit - this is a place they have moved to prior to my remarriage. IMHO, kids are always welcome back at home.

 

The fiance did what MANY military people do - they give up their own place since they are deployed or moving around. It is really sad you have discarded these people who you don't know and are making assumptions about how they will be. Many people don't move far from their parents - until my parents moved away after retiring, I was 3 miles from them. I loved it as I loved having the help around when my son was young and I was a new mother. They never acted like you are suggesting your fiance's family acts. You are just not accustomed to a close knit family and actually, it can be pretty cool. I wish I lived closer to my nieces and nephews. But the way you grew up was in abuse, intolerance and avoidance and have no love. You are just scared of the unknown.

I am not saying I don't like his family by any means, what I am saying is that I have a strong personality and can see them trying to take over. I just know from how they were when I met them, plus the things my fiance has told me, that they are very close knit. Which as you pointed out, is the opposite of what I am used to.

From my point of view it is a little strange to still have a room at your parents house, my parents pretty much told me I would be forced out by the time I was 16, when this didn't happen they made it clear I was an unwelcome guest. I couldn't wait to leave. And when I did they turned my old bedroom into a library!

FO, you are a very kind lady to keep a room available for your son if he ever needed it.

I also find it weird that he has lived in that house since he was born, I have been moved around and still feel nostalgic for the big house I grew up in just outside London. We moved when I was 15 and I have never even been back to the area. My parents chose to move us to a rural but very deprived area 'for a better way of life'. I was bullied and/or excluded by all the locals for being 'too posh'. I fit in with those people even less than the people I grew up around. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. Then at 24 I moved away from the area to somewhere bang in the middle of there and London to be with my then fiance, that relationship failed soon after moving in together as he turned very controlling and emotionally abusive. So I left him but stayed in this area where I am isolated. I guess I feel kind of jealous in a way that he has has that stability, the solid foundation I never had. Oh and he is in the reserves therefore only has one major mission every 5 years or so, he is not full time military, sorry if I have given that impression.

When I am a new mother (assuming I will move out there) all I will have is unwanted support from people who I have nothing in common with, and who have very different views on parenting to me.

 

 

 

 

By NO means am I saying stay with the fiance - actually, I think it would be wrong of you to do so because you are IN LOVE with someone else. I think it is sad that you will not let go of the MM. I think your fiance deserves someone who only loves him and wants to build a life and a family with him. That isn't you.

I agree, it is unfair on him, I am desperate to meet him asap to have the talk but wont see him until June next year so I have hit a wall. There is not much more I can do right now.

 

I am nto trying to hurt you - I wouldn't be responding here if I didn't care. I have followed your story since I first came to LS and lurked. I think you deserve far better than the pittance you tolerate and accept from the MM and I truly see you alone in the future because you refuse to let go of this guy. You will wait and wait to see if he calls, to see if he wants to see you. I don't see him divorcing because he is a COWARD and cowards always take the easy way out. He has dumped you time and time again yet you keep wanting more. This is, IMHO, because of how you grew up with little love and little acceptance. So you are feeling the same way about the MM - you want attention from him - even negative attention - because in your mind, that might mean he cares. He doesn't. People who love someone do NOT treat them this way Heart ((hugs))

I know you have my best interests at heart, you do write me long posts every time and I know you wouldn't waste your time if you didn't care. I just wish I knew how to stop being so infatuated with xMM. I would like to explore the reasons I still love him despite what he has done over the last couple of years or more. I think SadInTexas hit the nail on the head, as did NoIDidnt when they mentioned abandonment issues.

 

 

I hope you can climb out of the depression and the sadness. Sounds silly, but maybe working part time at a store during the holidays will bring you some cheer? Maybe helping others will bring you some happiness? I see you as the kind of person who DOES want to help others and being around all the holiday cheer might help you? I wish you the best of luck and I hope the new year brings you closure on the MM. I really do!

I will think of something to do over the holidays, now I am not actually working the possibilites are endless. Maybe I could do something for charity? My doctor actually thinks I am too depressed to function in a work situation right now, will see how I am in a week or 2 then may apply to work as a Christmas temp in a store.