BS has new info on OW

[Fraggles]

I am a BS. FWH and I are currently in recovery. We are 6 mos. from dday #1 and almost 3 mos. from dday #2 (revealed it was a PA also). There has been no contact with OW since discovery. FWH and I spent the better part of two days talking about the affair b/c I am going thru a rough period right now.

 

Anyway, found out some new info on the OW. She is single so I never had a H to reveal the A to...but FWH tells me yesterday of a conversation he and OW had during the A.

 

OW lives with her mom and Step-D. She does not have the money to live on her own. She has also dated at least one married man in the past (could be her son's father ? She had to leave the city that he was living in and came here to live w/ mom)

 

During the A the OW tells FWH that he cannot in ANY WAY let on about their relationship in front of step-dad. He told her when she moved in that if she got involved with a MM again, he'd kick her out.

 

SOOOOOOOO....what in the world do I do with this information??? Revenge of course kicks in and I want to knock on that door and say to mom and step-d, "Guess what your lovely daughter has done"

 

God this is hard...part of me is trying to rationalize telling them b/c of the practice of total exposure of the A according to Marriage Builders principles. I know Solemate is familiar with the website, not sure how much of the principles she knows about. Total expossure of the A breaks the secrecy therefore makes it harder for it to a) continue or b) start up again. Am I just justifying revenge? And how wrong is it? Why shouldn't her life get "disrupted" like mine did?!? And is it too late now? almost 6 months after the A?

 

Oh, and I don't know if this acronym was ever posted but when H told me that she dated a MM before I said oh She is a serial OW. H says guess that would make her a SOW. SOW!!!!!!! Oh I love it!! Yep, a big fat dirty mommy pig!! Needless to say I now refer to her as the SOW instead of OW.

 

Hope to get some input! Thanks!

[befuddled11]

Sorry, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's not familiar with all these abbreviated terms and acronyms....can you explain them please:

 

1) H

2) BS

3) FWH

4) what's DDay#1 and DDay#2?

 

I guess I understand the jist of your post.....it's whether you should rat on the OW to her parents. Well if you have any concern whatsover that she's going to try and make contact with her husband again, I say go for it. Though.....if you did, and she made contact with your husband to inform him you ratted her out, that might just stir up a whole new can of worms.....causing them to communicate again. You know? I guess you could always write an anonymous letter....not identifying who you are....just explaining how their affair devastated you and your marriage......I mean, chances are she IS a serial OW...?

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by befuddled11

1) H - husband

2) BS - betrayed spouse

3) FWH - former wayward husband

4) what's DDay#1 and DDay#2?

 

Dday = Discovery day - the day I discovered the affair.

Dday #1 - initial discovery and H said it was just an EA (emotional affair) no sex.

Dday #2 - 3 mos later finally got him to admit to the PA (physical affair) they had sexual encounters on several occasions and intercourse once 2 wks. before Dday #1.

 

I guess I understand the jist of your post.....it's whether you should rat on the OW to her parents. Well if you have any concern whatsover that she's going to try and make contact with her husband again, I say go for it. Though.....if you did, and she made contact with your husband to inform him you ratted her out, that might just stir up a whole new can of worms.....causing them to communicate again. You know? I guess you could always write an anonymous letter....not identifying who you are....just explaining how their affair devastated you and your marriage......I mean, chances are she IS a serial OW...?

 

Well, her contacting him is a concern to me. As far as her contacting him to let him know I ratted her out - I would be sure that she knows that he already knows (and I will tell him if I do anything) so don't try contacting him.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Hey Fraggles!

 

Well, I don't have any advise on this either way.. This is a slippery slope..

 

On one hand, telling gets the A exposed completely - and I do understand this concept. And you get the extra added attraction of getting to reek a little havoc in SOW's ( at that) life.

 

but on the other hand, do you want to reek havoc? Will it make you feel better or will it make you feel small later? The other thing is .. How many other peeps do you want to know about the A? I don’t remember how many you’ve told.. But if you tell the step dad .. That’s 2 more (step dad and mom) and how ever many other peeps they tell.. Remember they will be explaining why they kicked her out.

 

What does your H say? Will you give him any input on this decision?

 

I don't envy you on this one, girl.. I had to decide if I should rat to the H of my H's "friend" ...I decided not to..but I have to admit sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong decision ...

 

Good luck and let me know what happens!

[Fraggles]

Hi GSB,

 

Yes I see both points of view.

 

I'm not sure who knows in the "neighborhood" or the scout group. H seems to think that the pack leader knows (his wife is good friends w/ the SOW )

and god knows who else among the scout moms. Another thought was to warn the other moms (which I thought of before) b/c she seems to be a serial cheater and they may want to keep an eye on her.

 

Most of it is the revenge factor. God it would be sweet justice if this b*tch ends up on the street b/c she can't keep away from men with wedding rings!

 

I guess I need to really think how I will feel about it later (sweet revenge vs. bitter b*tch).

 

Not sure how H feels. I said in passing how sweet it would be to inform parents but he made no comment. The last time I asked his advice on me contacting the SOW he was adament against it - of course this was when he was still covering up the PA! So if he adamantly objects to informing the parents, maybe there is still more I do not know and he is afraid the SOW will contact and tell me (she was the one who told me of the PA)

 

God I hate this. Thanks for your input and support GSB!!

 

Frags

[jenny]

hello fraggles,

 

i went back and checked the <removed> website, and i could not find anything exactly on point about exposure of the OW. i do think what they mean about exposure, from what i read, is the exposure within the relationship -that is, your husband must tell you every painful detail so that the air is clear. since you do not have a relationship with the SOW, i'm not sure that the principle of exposure applies to her.

 

i'm actually not against revenge, but i am a fan of productive revenge. i think that telling this girl's parents will have a number of negative consequences, and not enough positive ones. here's how i see the balance; let me know what you think.

 

pros of telling girl's parents:

 

1. girl looks bad, troubled. if her parents are humane, they will want to help her - she, is, after all, flesh and blood and that runs deep. they may also ensure she does not continue this affair, but, again, my understanding of the website is that it is primarily your husband's responsibility to ensure that this no longer happens. as far as he is concerned, she simply no longer exists except as a bad memory.

 

2. it's dramatic, and, if we're honest here, fun. but not fun enough. this fun does not equal the pain that you will cause to the girl's parents - you can't want to hurt anyone for no reason other than their child is making very poor decision. i implore you to really think how they will feel.

 

negatives:

 

1. you lose your moral positioning. at this point, you really are the victim. if you tell them, you have done something very unkind, on purpose, and you can no longer claim moral highground. where you are now can be a very powerful leverage tool - don't lose it over a fleeting pleasure.

 

2. it keeps her in your thoughts and in your life. she is not good enough to be in either place. let her destructive choices take her far away from you and your attempts to rebuild love and trust. it's also conunterproductive to your recovery.

 

3. it's a weak response. i don't mean this in a negative way -but you recognize this yourself. where you are is so strong, and so admirable. the most infuriating response you can give to someone, in a lot of ways, is to forgive them and feel sorry for them. revenge, i think, is a very natural instinct, but it should be tempered with strength and civility.

 

here is how i see this playing out:

 

A. you tell her parents. maybe they freak out at her; or, more likely, they look at you askance and freak out at her later. many phone calls are exchanged, she tries to get in touch with your husband, people around town are gossiping and it's all very dramatic. you think about it a lot, bring it up in therapy, your husband is just embarrased and ashamed. maybe she gets kicked out, becomes more desperate, tries to get revenge of her on you. it takes about a year or two to settle down and peace/restoration of the relationship to get back on track.

 

B. you decide not to tell them - to focus on your anger at your husband and fixing what you have. after a couple of years of therapy, you start to be in love with him again, and you begin to have a calm, faithful household that flourishes. meanwhile, she continues to make bad choices, and is now living with <insert jerk> who cheats on her and while she gains weight, she begins to understand the hurt she has caused. while you are gardening one day, she passes by, bloated and seven steps behind her new skidmark of a man, juggling kids and groceries. you smile. maybe wave, just to be a bitch and chuckle to yourself. she's beneath you and you both know it.

 

this is just a thought. i don't give a damn about the girl - i think it would be destructive to YOU to indulge this impulse. take your revenge later, in that smile.

[moimeme]

I don't believe that the principle of full exposure means 'betrayed wife rats everyone out'. Any 'exposure' is for the betrayer to conduct. It is meant, I suspect, to be like AA's requirement to contact people one has hurt and make amends. It is work for the betrayer to do to enforce the nature of his act, not a treat for the betrayed to perform in spiteful glee.

 

No matter how bad you feel now, getting down in the muck with the SOW won't make you feel one iota better.

[Fraggles]

OK, thanks! And that is not being said sarcastically.

 

I needed a 2x4 to the head with this. My instinct for revenge was running high and I knew all along that exposing her to her parents would be everything everyone described.

 

I AM BETTER THAN THE SOW. I am NOT out to damage people's lives, no matter what the situation.

 

In terms of our recovery, there has been no contact from either end, hubby is remorseful, guilty, embarrassed, and has done EVERYTHING for me to make US work for the past 3 mos.

 

So I guess taking and running with this would be nothing less than a cheap-shot, a low blow, etc. to not only her but others (incl. her son) and you know what, IAM BETTER THAN THAT!

 

Thanks again. It's just hard sometimes with all these feeling, reactions, anger, pain etc running around inside...but ultimately I want my marriage to work and this is not a good path to go.

 

If not for this and MB to vent, I'd go CRAZY!!!!! LOL

[moimeme]

I AM BETTER THAN THE SOW. I am NOT out to damage people's lives, no matter what the situation.

 

(CHEERS!)

 

You GO, girl!

[figuringitout]

Freedom of speech. Avoid slander and it can be the most fun you can have legally.

 

Not the Jesus thing to do, but I could live with myself.

 

fio

[Fedup&givingup]

I realize and can identify with the kind of tremendous pain you must be feeling.

 

HOWever, I would not have anything to do with this...leave it alone. I see you seeking the revenge on this other woman to displace the feelings away from your HUSBAND. I don't give a crap about any of the women my husband has been with. I wouldn't go after them maliciously in ANY way, because it is the cheater that broke the promise to Y-O-U.

 

It would make you feel better temporarily, but it won't take away the pain that your husband has caused you.

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by Fedup&givingup

I realize and can identify with the kind of tremendous pain you must be feeling.

 

HOWever, I would not have anything to do with this...leave it alone. I see you seeking the revenge on this other woman to displace the feelings away from your HUSBAND. I don't give a crap about any of the women my husband has been with. I wouldn't go after them maliciously in ANY way, because it is the cheater that broke the promise to Y-O-U.

 

It would make you feel better temporarily, but it won't take away the pain that your husband has caused you.

 

 

I am not displacing feelings away from my H. Lord knows, he has seen my rath, hurt, pain, etc. I believe every relationship is 50/50, incl. affairs. If she hadn't been so "willing" to date a married man, I believe that he would not have looked further.

 

Anyway, like I said, I filed that info. and will not use it unless she makes attempts to contact him again. Which....after my conversation with H this past weekend, I don't think she will....

 

He was recalling their last conversation for me. I was afraid of her reaction to him breaking it off. Was she really emotionally involved? Did she beg him to stay w/ her? Talk our marriage down so he would leave me?

 

He said her very first reaction when he said, "It's over. I love my wife and want ot make my marriage work," she replied "Oh Great. Now I have to start over!"

 

He was not her first married man. She is a serial OW. Seeking a stable good guy (like my H) who is vunerable in their marriage to swoop down and take over. She thought my H was fine pickins'. Her son was a product of a MM and she had to leave the city she was in b/c of it.

 

What a loser. My revenge is that I have my H and she is once again on the hunt for another man. My H now realizes how "played" he was. I have no fear of a) him trying to return to her after realizing what a fool she made him or b) her trying to get back with him b/c he is no longer easy pickins.

 

Nothing will "take away" the pain. I will process it and it will become a scar on my marriage instead of a wound. My H is tending to that wound every day and it will heal. What does not kill me will make me stronger!

[brashgal]

What an incredible bitch - "now I have to start over" - send me her address, I'll get even for you...

[reasontosigh]

heh heh....brashgal soprano to the rescue!

 

(hmmm.... NE USA... I might be close enough to Fraggles to be a part of this posse! )

[Fraggles]

(hmmm.... NE USA... I might be close enough to Fraggles to be a part of this posse! )

 

 

We figured we are both in Philly a while ago ! Hmmmm......this is tempting LOL!

Now is brashgirl close enough??

[reasontosigh]

Ah, yes....that's right! (I need to keep a note on my monitor of who the locals are around here )

 

Maybe when the three of us are done, we could take a lil side trip to Canada and put the fear of.....God?......Tony Soprano?.......us? yeah, that's it! US!!! ....into jenny's ex-roomie!

[TheFaithfulWife]

I hate to say that I did exact a small amount of revenge, I let all the wives of the male scout leaders know that this woman was a threat to their men and their lives.

I felt that this woman was involved in scouting not for her son but because she thought it was a pick up place for men who had involvment in their sons lives.

 

I sent an e mail to all the women and men in our district, this was early on in my discovery and I also exposed my husbands infidelity and made it known that I thought he was lacking in proper leadership qualities.

 

Both of them are still in scouting but are now aware that they will forever be watched for any signs of immorality. My husband no longer attends functions where this woman will be without either my kids or me watching.

 

And I must say there is a measure of satisfaction I get when I see women who go stand next to their husband whenever they see them conversing with that OW.

One thing I never did though was to expose her to her own children, I felt that they did not need the knowledge that their mother was a cheap easy lay.

 

The Faithful wife

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife

I hate to say that I did exact a small amount of revenge, I let all the wives of the male scout leaders know that this woman was a threat to their men and their lives.

I felt that this woman was involved in scouting not for her son but because she thought it was a pick up place for men who had involvment in their sons lives.

 

I sent an e mail to all the women and men in our district, this was early on in my discovery and I also exposed my husbands infidelity and made it known that I thought he was lacking in proper leadership qualities.

 

 

The Faithful wife

 

 

TFW

 

I wanted so bad to contact all of the wives about her when I first found out. The problem was, they knew her well (I believe two of them knew of the A) and they did not know me at all. I never went to many meetings or anything - left this as a Father-Son thing - kept hand-off (stupid!!) Now it's way too late...it's been 6 months since discovery and since H and S left the troop. I'd only end up looking like a nasty bitter bitch and , ya know what, thats the SOW's thing, not mine.

 

I guess I just replay it in my mind and have to be satisfied with what I could imagine would happen. *sigh*

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by reasontosigh

Ah, yes....that's right! (I need to keep a note on my monitor of who the locals are around here )

 

Maybe when the three of us are done, we could take a lil side trip to Canada and put the fear of.....God?......Tony Soprano?.......us? yeah, that's it! US!!! ....into jenny's ex-roomie!

 

 

Where in canada? I have a friend in Ottawa - if it's there I can visit her too after we finish the job! LOL

[reasontosigh]

Hmmmm...I don't know, but here's the scoop on that situation!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t34400/

[jenny]

lol! thanks so much reasontosigh and fraggles - this is the first time i've giggled today, and normally, i'm quite a giggler. a loveshack mafia would indeed be something to see

 

fraggles, please don't regret not getting revenge. it really only hurts you in the end, and now you can walk away thinking: damn, i'm lucky to be the kind of person who does not need (immediate) revenge. you emerged with your dignity and your life intact, and that's pretty cool and unusual. i can guarantee you your sOW will trip herself up eventually.

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by jenny

lol! thanks so much reasontosigh and fraggles - this is the first time i've giggled today, and normally, i'm quite a giggler. a loveshack mafia would indeed be something to see

 

fraggles, please don't regret not getting revenge. it really only hurts you in the end, and now you can walk away thinking: damn, i'm lucky to be the kind of person who does not need (immediate) revenge. you emerged with your dignity and your life intact, and that's pretty cool and unusual. i can guarantee you your sOW will trip herself up eventually.

 

 

jenny,

i know. i really don't regret it. i know i am the only one between the 3 of us that came out of this whole thing with dignity.

 

now your roommate is another story - i don't care about dignity in that situation...LOL So who is getting the cement??

[TheFaithfulWife]

Hmm a loveshack mafia hit team, sounds like a winner to me:laugh:

sign me up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a small disclaimer: I in no way am affiliated with a loveshack mafia if such hits should occur and are discovered by the law.

The FaithfulWife

[jenny]

Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife

Just a small disclaimer: I in no way am affiliated with a loveshack mafia if such hits should occur and are discovered by the law.

The FaithfulWife

 

 

ROFL!

 

woke up this morning

got myself a ...er...piece of emotional integrity

[figuringitout]

Frags -

 

Don't allow yourself to be brought down by the OW. Take the high road and keep this information to yourself until you die. She is probalby hurting on the inside. That is why she does what she does. Do not add to her pain.

 

 

 

Sign me up as another volunteer to do it for you. Please.

 

FiO