Author Fraggles Posted March 13, 2004 Author Share Posted March 13, 2004 Thanks Fio. Yeah, i know and that info. is filed away. BUT I do have to say that if she ever tries to re-connect (which I am positive she won't...see previous post) I would whip that info out and be waving it in her step-daddys face. I need to protect my marriage. I am in pain too. I will use anything I can to do that. BUT like I said, it won't come to that. Thanks for volunteering! Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 woke up this morning got myself a ...er...piece of emotional integrity Now that is what I call a classic! Still trying to make it fit the tune, though..... Link to post Share on other sites
Cariel Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 What with all this talk of revenge and mafias going on, I thought a 'minder might come in handy: Ladies, if your husband is cheating on you your problem is NOT the OW. The problem is your husband. It is extremely rare for a woman to "set her cap at" a married man. I can't count the number of people I know who have been involved in or hurt by an extramarital affair at one time or another (I do not count myself out of this group) and in EVERY case, the man initiated the contact and pursued the woman. I have always found it interesting that women who catch their husbands in an affair nearly always blame the OW, while men who catch their wives in an affair immediately start wondering WHY their wives would do that, and often realize that they are at least partly to blame. I think we gals might consider taking a page out of the guys' book. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 I think we are all wise to the fact that our spouses have been at equal fault but I think having the OW to direct the anger at helps to work through a reconciliation. My husband came right out and said that the OW had made the offer but it was not her fault that he accepted and that the blame should remain with him. He has expressed that he thinks that she must have sensed that he wanted her to ask. I have no doubt that each of us blames our spouse for what they did, but it is sure alot easier to bash the OW and a lot less hurtful. ThefaithfulWife Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fraggles Posted March 15, 2004 Author Share Posted March 15, 2004 Originally posted by Cariel What with all this talk of revenge and mafias going on, I thought a 'minder might come in handy: Ladies, if your husband is cheating on you your problem is NOT the OW. The problem is your husband. It is extremely rare for a woman to "set her cap at" a married man. I can't count the number of people I know who have been involved in or hurt by an extramarital affair at one time or another (I do not count myself out of this group) and in EVERY case, the man initiated the contact and pursued the woman. I have always found it interesting that women who catch their husbands in an affair nearly always blame the OW, while men who catch their wives in an affair immediately start wondering WHY their wives would do that, and often realize that they are at least partly to blame. I think we gals might consider taking a page out of the guys' book. Ok, as I have stated previously, I am not totally blaming the SOW. My H has taken all of the blame upon himself. Every affair is 50/50. I am the one "giving" her half of the blame. It is extremely rare for a woman to "set her cap at" a married man. Ok then I must be one of those rare situations. My H is, at least, her 2nd married man she has pursued. You cannot tell me she is not "setting her cap" for MM. As I previously posted, when my H ended the affair, her first reponse was, "Oh Great now I have to start over." My interpretation of that, as seen by her past, means she has now got to find another MM to once again "set her cap at." NO ONE person is to blame for an affair. Yes, my main concern is my H's role in it. BUT she deserves 1/2 of the responsibility for responding to a man see KNEW was married. As for the mafia references, have you ever heard of a little thing called fantasy revenge? Of course I would never do anything to her. Again like I previously posted, I AM BETTER THAN THE SOW. I am NOT out to damage people's lives, no matter what the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 In my situation, the OW did "set her cap" as well and it involved Scouting although I blame my ex, and myself somewhat. To the other two members of the LS mafia, I live a good 1,000 miles from you but I have lots of vacation this year and I need a new hobby... LOL - not sure what I'd do when confronted with the situation but somehow it makes me feel a little less powerless to convince an OW that there is a sisterhood of wronged wives out there, we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Just wanted to offer a couple of thoughts-- Congratulations on the survival of your marriage and the hard work you and your husband have done to get past this affair. I think it's great. I think you did the right thing not to tell this girl's parents about the affair, primarily because of hurting her parents (they are innocent) and for the possibility of putting this woman and the son you referred to (also innocent) out of a home. I also wanted to share with you, that in my relationship with a MM, I absolutely did not "set my cap" or anything else for being with a MM. I have read many books on this subject, am in therapy with an expert in this field, and have spent quite a bit of time talking about this issue on LS and with others. The publications and general consensus state or implies that most OW do not set out to break up a marriage - in fact, many are involved with men who either lie about being married or convince them that the marriage is ending - separate of the relationship with the OW. I also wanted to propose the concept that even good people, such as your husband perhaps?, do bad things - such as have affairs when they are married. And likewise, not all OW are evil - they are often good people who have done something beneath themselves and that wronged another person. Namaste. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fraggles Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by kkat Just wanted to offer a couple of thoughts-- Congratulations on the survival of your marriage and the hard work you and your husband have done to get past this affair. I think it's great. I think you did the right thing not to tell this girl's parents about the affair, primarily because of hurting her parents (they are innocent) and for the possibility of putting this woman and the son you referred to (also innocent) out of a home. I also wanted to share with you, that in my relationship with a MM, I absolutely did not "set my cap" or anything else for being with a MM. I have read many books on this subject, am in therapy with an expert in this field, and have spent quite a bit of time talking about this issue on LS and with others. The publications and general consensus state or implies that most OW do not set out to break up a marriage - in fact, many are involved with men who either lie about being married or convince them that the marriage is ending - separate of the relationship with the OW. I also wanted to propose the concept that even good people, such as your husband perhaps?, do bad things - such as have affairs when they are married. And likewise, not all OW are evil - they are often good people who have done something beneath themselves and that wronged another person. Namaste. But how do you explain women that REPEATLY seek married men? She was not lied to - she knew he was married, albeit, he told her we were troubled (which we were) and he might leave me but HE WAS STILL MARRIED AND LIVING AT HOME. I am sorry no one can convince me that she was not out to get what she could from him (i.e. nice person, good benefits for her and her son, etc.) Ok maybe she is not EVIL but she is a sick, sick person. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I can not explain why someone would repeatedly seek relationships with MM, because from my perspective, I don't feel at this point I will seek any relationship with any man, and certainly would never get in a relationship with a MM after the way my heart is broken now. In fact, its to the point of the ridiculous - an ex-coworker of mine - a married guy - asked me to meet him for drinks and I didn't go - because I'm so gunshy. Meanwhile, I later realized he is totally not interested in anything but reconnecting with me as a friend and business associate. Period. Just saying for me, I'd never do it again - for my own self-preservation. I didn't intend it with this man, and I will never do it again. I am trying to stay strong and stay disconnected from him now - and if I get out of this alive I'll stay single for the rest of my life if I have to before I'd be with a MM again. However, one of the books I read said that some women repeatedly play the role of OW because they have such low self-esteem that they feel they don't deserve better. It also said that more common is that the women have a fear of commitment and subconsiously they choose unavailable men. Regardless, I think that by focusing on yourself and your husband, and not the now uninvolved third-party, you will continue to make the marvelous progress you're making. I hope you will be one of those success stories of marriages strengthened by an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fraggles Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by kkat Regardless, I think that by focusing on yourself and your husband, and not the now uninvolved third-party, you will continue to make the marvelous progress you're making. I hope you will be one of those success stories of marriages strengthened by an affair. Yes, my main focus is my H and I. Thank you for your wishes for our success. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by brashgal What an incredible bitch - "now I have to start over" - send me her address, I'll get even for you... Brash... If you are making a list or taking request, I have a "friend" of my H's who wanted me to have thanksgiving with her and her family so I would "see she wasn't out to destroy my marriage" and then turn around later and insinuate my H would be her next husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fraggles Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by GeorgiaSongbird Brash... If you are making a list or taking request, I have a "friend" of my H's who wanted me to have thanksgiving with her and her family so I would "see she wasn't out to destroy my marriage" and then turn around later and insinuate my H would be her next husband... Ok there is someone who definitely needs a visit from the BS mob! Link to post Share on other sites
figuringitout Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Just for the record, I still say that Frags should find a way to share the info. Anyway, this thread has taken an interesting turn in exploring serial cheating. The OM in my wife's affair lives in misery because his ex had an affair on him and eventually married the guy. Do you think that there is a part of people like this that feel better by passing the pain on to another? FiO Link to post Share on other sites
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