Friends, but I want more...

[lcsaint22]

So, I have this friend, and as the title of the post suggests, I'd like to be more than friends. I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for as far as advice goes, but here's a little background info on the situation.

 

She and I grew up in the same small/mid-sized town(she's a year younger) but somehow managed to never hold a full conversation all the way through high school. We were never even really aware of each other until my senior year when I was a student assistant during her chemistry class. Again, never really spoke, but she did make quite the impression. Being that I was a shy kid back in those days, I was content with admiring her intellect and frequent defiance of the teacher in that class from afar. Overall my view of her was positive coming out of high school.

 

Flash forward to college, my sophomore year, her freshman year(at different schools). Facebook had just started to get big(back when you still had to have a college email address to register) and I came across her name/picture through a mutual friend. By then, college had pulled me out of my shell a little so I quickly sent her a message introducing myself as that (formally)shy kid that was a student assistant during her chemistry class back in high school. She remembered me, quickly replied and we became "friends."

 

What followed was about 2 or 3 years worth of "Happy Birthday!" "Happy Thanksgiving!" "Merry Christmas!" and "Happy New Year!" You know... Facebook stuff. But somewhere along the line, those obligatory wall posts starting turning into extended conversations. And then those conversations starting happening outside of Facebook, and out of season, so to speak.

 

Turns out, we have tons in common. More than either of us expected. We both expressed regret over not knowing each other better back in high school... and back when we were still in the same geographical region. See by now, I was in grad school, even further away from home, and she was a med student studying abroad. So opportunities to get together were almost nonexistent. But that wasn't enough to stop us from developing a strong friendship despite the distance, and despite the fact that we were both extremely busy most of the time. (Side-note: somewhere along the way she meets her long time and current boyfriend and they are currently in a long distance situation... that will come into play a little later)

 

Seven years after we had both left our hometown for greener pastures, we finally just so happen to be heading back home at the exact same time. Before we had always just missed being home at the same time, or she would be heading back for a particular holiday when I wasn't(or visa-versa). So, of course, we were both excited to finally have an opportunity to see each other after so many years. We decided met up at a local bar to just hang out, have a few beers and enjoy each other's company, in person and not just over the phone for a change. We ended up staying until the bar closed for the night. When they kicked us out we just parked our butts on a bench outside the place and continued the conversation for a couple hours after that.

 

Now, here's where I realize... I'm falling for this woman. In fact, I think I already had well before that. We both head back out of town. At this point (the present) I've just finished school and moved to Boston, while she's in Atlanta. So there's still about a thousand miles between us, but it's a lot closer than before(and in the same country).

 

After seeing each other for the first time in almost a decade we start speaking to each other more frequently. Almost daily for about 3 months. Finally, I dive in heart first and I muster up the courage to tell her exactly how I feel about her. Considering that I knew she was already in a long term relationship, I did so fully expecting to fall flat on my face, potentially losing the best friend I've had in a while. But I felt that no matter how it turned out, it was something I had to do. I had to be honest. I had to risk it.

 

Of course, being the amazing woman that she is, she somehow manged to let me down easy without making me feel utterly devastated, citing the fact that she was already in a committed relationship as being the main reason for rejecting me. She went on to say that our relationship was very important to her and that she appreciated me being there for her when not a lot of people were. That was a month ago. Our relationship has changed, which is to be expected. But even after confessing to her my true feelings, and her rejecting me, we continue to speak daily.

 

In fact, we're actively planning the next time we'll see each other instead of leaving it up to chance encounters in our hometown. She wants me to come visit her in Atlanta, and I've extended the invitation for her to come see me in Boston(which she has accepted). I haven't pressed the "being more than friends" issue beyond letting her know that if I had my way, we would be.

 

The last thing I would want to do is to push her away and I keep telling myself that if it came down to it, I would rather have her as a friend than to not have her in my life at all. But I'm not totally convinced that I'm mature enough to handle that. With every passing moment I want her more and more.

 

Any outside perspective on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

[dreamingoftigers]

If you think she is trustworthy, wait for the relationship to go under.

 

BUt do not put your life on hold. Try to meet other people and move forward. Even if she has you in the back of her head (she shouldn't really) that doesn't do you any good.

[dreamingoftigers]

If you think she is trustworthy, wait for the relationship to go under.

 

BUt do not put your life on hold. Try to meet other people and move forward. Even if she has you in the back of her head (she shouldn't really) that doesn't do you any good.

 

Sorry I sound like it is 1925, BUT having an orgasm with a guy starts a chemical reaction in your brain to find him more trustworthy etc. It actually screws up some of your judgement. Just try to navigate with that in mind.

[paddington bear]

You did a good thing by telling her.

 

I'm guessing either because she is in a LTR or because she really just does see you as a friend and nothing more, that of course she, as you said, let you down gently.

 

The problem is what to do now. I imagine she is continuing to email you in the hopes of proving that despite not wanting you as a boyfriend that she still likes you and isn't going to just drop you just because you have feelings for her. She's trying to be kind to you, but will ultimately, staying in touch with her, will only hurt you further.

 

You have to think of yourself. You cannot just turn those feelings that you have for her off. And if you keep communicating with her daily, this woman, that you cannot have, will stay in your head, preventing you from moving on and finding someone that can and does want you as a boyfriend.

 

My advice would be not to hang around and wait for her relationship to crumble. You could be waiting years and only realise when you are at their wedding that you've wasted your life waiting on something that was never going to happen.

 

I've been friendzoned many times by guys and unrequited love is the most painful thing ever! What I have learned is this:

 

You cannot be friends with someone you are in love with

If you stay in touch all the time, you never move on

 

Email her and say something like:

 

I've been thinking about things since I revealed that I have feelings for you. You've been very sweet about that and I really appreciate that we are still in touch, despite the fact that you don't feel the same way.

 

However, it seems that I'm still pretty hooked on you. So, although I really enjoy having you in my life, I hope you understand that it would be better if we just stopped all contact for a while. You can't be true friends when one half want something more. I need to concentrate on finding a woman who does feel the same about me as I do about her and when I have found her, perhaps we can resume our friendship then

[mrifti]

If you love some one then try to convince him/her. If you want happy life then life each other all the life. Divorce is not end solution of this problem.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry I sound like it is 1925, BUT having an orgasm with a guy starts a chemical reaction in your brain to find him more trustworthy etc. It actually screws up some of your judgement. Just try to navigate with that in mind.

 

This is embarassing, but I did mean to post this to another thread not this one! :o:o:o:o:o:o:o