I want to stop being a selfish, spoilt b*itch

[HeyThereGirl]

I am 22 and have never been in a long term relationship. I am not an only child (in fact, I'm a triplet with three other siblings), but was always quite spoilt by my mother and pretty much got whatever I wanted. I have been seeing this wonderful guy for about 3 months now, and I'm finding that my selfish habits are starting to get in the way of our relationship. I've never had to share my life, and being emotionally involved with this man has really brought out my petulance. I throw tantrums (not stomping of the foot or anything, but you know what I mean) when something doesn't go my way with him, and have trouble accepting the fact that some of his decisions don't prioritise me. Like when he has to work late and we can't go out, or when we're at a function and he has to network more than spend time with me.

 

Here's the latest example: Last night I was over at his place and we were drinking and having heaps of fun. Then after a petting session he said he felt really tired and basically felt asleep mid-conversation. I was wide awake and didn't know what to do. We had planned on me staying over, but at that point I started getting really angry that he found me so boring he just fell asleep while we were talking about something important. I also thought it was rude that he had left me alone in an unfamiliar environment; when I have guests I make sure they feel comfortable and certainly would not go to bed before they did. I cleaned up the area, putting our rubbish away etc, hoping it was just a nap but half an hour later he was still passed out. So i woke him up and asked if he wanted to go to bed. As he ambled into the bedroom I spat the dummy, asking why he couldn't even stay awake for me, if he cared less that I felt weird and uncomfortable. I even told him was sexually frustrated and was hoping to sleep with him, but 'obviously thats not going to happen'. God. He told me I was overreacting (true) and to just 'try to go to sleep'. This made me even more mad and if I hadn't been over the limit I would have driven home. I got to sleep about 2 hours later, then woke up 2 hours before him. He knew I was awake in the morning but continued to sleep in, something I found to be extremely rude again. I am an energetic person and don't understand this need to sleep. But I didn't want to f*ck things up more than I had so I pretended to forget about it. Apart from him joking to me when he got up about being so petulant the night before, that was all that was said.

 

The major problem is that at the time (and even in retrospect, to be honest), I feel like my outbursts are justified. I wish I was more easy going but I can't help but react when things don't go my way. I know that he finds this a turn off and sees me as immature and I desperately want to change. For me, as well as for him. Please help me!

[yes]

it sounds to me like you need to learn to be a lil more self-sufficient.

 

if he's talking to others at a function, do the same! have fun meeting new people, entertain yourself, don't necessarily wait for him.

 

if he's tired and fell asleep, just watch TV, read a book, look through his CDs, etc. i'd also make a comment about him falling asleep on me, but not until the morning. oh, and i think i'd go home after a lil while, leaving him a note.

 

and so forth. make sure you can be happy on your own, without him entertaining you. he'll be much more happy to let you lean on him if he knows you can stand up on your own, if you get my metaphor.

 

btw, i'm an only child and i was also very used to being constantly attended to. then something changed, i don't even know when, and now i can happily spend tons of time by myself. in fact, i need more space than most people do, i think. so don't worry, you can change that aspect of yourself.

 

that's my view.

 

good luck,

-yes

[moimeme]

I require of myself that I be reasonable. The first step on that path is to recognize that others are different from you and therefore deserve leeway to be who they are. Perhaps YOU don't need a lot of sleep. Others need more sleep than you.

 

Understand this point: the way you are, no matter how much you like you, is not necessarily the way all humans should be and you need to lose that notion.

 

the fact that some of his decisions don't prioritise me

 

Oh, my. Because you are the most wonderful person ever and so deserve adoration? You already know you need to get over yourself, and this is a good example. People, including your mate, will have other priorities sometimes and you need to be - wait for it - reasonable about that.

 

he has to network

This is something important for him to do. Is it - here we go again - reasonable to demand that he drop this necessity to make little you happy?

 

but I can't help but react when things don't go my way

 

Now really, is this - yet again - reasonable? If there are TWO people involved and TWO people have their own ideas and wishes, how can any reasonable human demand HER way at the expense of the other's. Would you want someone in your life who demanded his way all the time?

 

Kids think the world revolves around them. It is a task of maturing to turn one's concerns outward to others rather than wanting everything for oneself. Only child or not, you are no longer a child, so stop thinking like one. If you need more information on how your thought patterns can make you miserable, read some Albert Ellis.

The thought that 'everything should be as I want it to be' is definitely one which will lead to misery throughout your life.

[NatoPMT]

you sound exactly like i used to be. i cant tell you how similar your actions and motivations are to things i have done. the massive, massive difference is that i would never in a million years written about it so honestly and openly, even on an anon forum. id have had to have embelished it somehow to engineer some sort of empathy from other posters.

 

i have no idea what that means if anything.

 

i hope this is different for you as your honesty would imply to me that you are able to start taking some control over your behaviour, but the only way i could get over myself was to have my heart broken.

 

but oo it was worth it. i did do a bit myself, and every time i feel it welling up now i stop it happening by not acting on it. at first i had to physically remove myself from the situation to stop myself throwing a hissy fit, now i am able to just dismiss the thought to get annoyed if i havent got my own way etc etc. i told myself to start behaving or id lose other people i care about and i just stopped myself. i havent had a tantrum for over 7 months now. makes me sound like a tantrum addict.

 

i kept thinking i could get away with it, or people wouldnt really notice how bad i was - then someone REALLY noticed and dumped me. served me right too.

 

BB