let me play a violin for the cheater

[confusedinkansas]

CIK, as a former "OM", I think your problem isn't that you cheated as much as the fact that you haven't completely "come clean", about it to your Husband. You are still keeping secrets from him, and to the vast majority of BS posters, that is the inexcusable part.

 

And unless my situation changes, it's my decision to not say anything about what happened after I was initially 'found out'.

But this is what I'm talking about. I am commenting on someone elses thread & MY personal infidelity is still an issue. It's almost like I'm not permitted an opinion because of my WAY past. It will still be brought up. Still will be beaten down - even though no one knows the whole story before, during or after.

I guess it's just the nature of the beast......so to speak. AKA: LS

[Spark1111]

Dexter, Im really sorry that your wife was a jerk and hurt you. I think what you went through sucks. However, there comes a time to forgive and move on. You seem to go out of your way to chastise and berate any and all OW on this board, even when you dont know the whole story. Does that make you feel better? It seems like you are on some sort of mission to cut down any woman that you can who seemingly has done what your wife did to you. That in my opinion is no way to heal. And by the way, once a cheater always a cheater is so not true. My aunt and uncle met during their awful marriages and they have been together 25 years and are still in love.

Good luck to you. I know you will just respond defensively to this post, but hopefully, when the time is right, you will TRULY start to heal.

 

I don't know Spirit girl.

 

Dexter doesnt bother me. I find his ability to have ownership and conviction in his opinions somewhat refreshing.

 

He goes out of his way to remind EVERYONE, not just OW/OM, but WS and BS the same point: There is an innocent unaware person being victimized in your "Love" affair--the BS.

 

And no matter how you slice it, he is right. You cannot argue the one point Dexter reminds everyone of.

 

He is an unapologetic BS, and I'm okay with that.

 

Doesn't mean he hasn't healed or moved on.

[ladydesigner]

Very true! - As long as you're not posting here.

Because there is 0 tolerance & 0 "forgiveness" or trying to see the other side of the coin here. Which is why when I've personally tried to post here on OTHER issues besides the infidelity....I'm still stricken down. The infidelity ALWAYS comes up, like it's the reason for EVERYTHING in my life this many years later. Which isn't true.

 

 

 

Stealing to survive is still a choice. Stealing is just as wrong.

 

Yes adultry is selfish. Very selfish. And, I know that many here don't want to hear "Reasoning or Rationalization" because they think that the adulterer is making an "EXCUSE" for what they did - As for life & death.....Depends on who you ask. For some, the affair did help them survive a bad time in a marriage. (Whether it's right or wrong)

 

Yes this is very true for me. I do not think my M would have survived had I not had my RA, wrong or not. I would not be M today I was ready to leave and my RA woke me up. It's horrible but true and it is what it is. My H is a different person now, I'm a different person now. We were two people who definitely lost our way in our M, but are making our way back. No M is perfect and I'm not sure if any M is affair proof.

[desertIslandCactus]

CIK, as a former "OM", I think your problem isn't that you cheated as much as the fact that you haven't completely "come clean", about it to your Husband. You are still keeping secrets from him, and to the vast majority of BS posters, that is the inexcusable part.

 

Keeping secrets is not the inexcusable part. Following through with a pre-existing sin, is inexcusable. i.e. Cheating, to breaking up a marriage, to making an adulterous marriage.

[Spiritgirl]

I don't know Spirit girl.

 

Dexter doesnt bother me. I find his ability to have ownership and conviction in his opinions somewhat refreshing.

 

He goes out of his way to remind EVERYONE, not just OW/OM, but WS and BS the same point: There is an innocent unaware person being victimized in your "Love" affair--the BS.

 

And no matter how you slice it, he is right. You cannot argue the one point Dexter reminds everyone of.

 

He is an unapologetic BS, and I'm okay with that.

 

Doesn't mean he hasn't healed or moved on.

 

I appreciate your thoughts Spark. I think having conviction and reminding others of consequences is one thing, however there are ways to do this. I dont sense any compassion or empathy in his posts. When you have truly forgiven, you are able to talk your truth without harsh judgment or anger. Im not at all opposed to reality checks on this site, its the way they are delivered. There are many FBS on this site who have wonderful insight, and their responses seem to be coming from a different place, whether their replies are stern or otherwise.

[thomasb]

Not always true. My disdain and disgust for cheating is astronomical... and 12 years ago I was the WS. My opinion of infidelity is very close to Dexters' and I'm on the other end. It is called 'buyers remorse'.

[YellowShark]

Yes this is very true for me. I do not think my M would have survived had I not had my RA, wrong or not. I would not be M today I was ready to leave and my RA woke me up. It's horrible but true and it is what it is. My H is a different person now, I'm a different person now. We were two people who definitely lost our way in our M, but are making our way back. No M is perfect and I'm not sure if any M is affair proof.

 

I am picking up what you're putting down. Glad it worked out for you two.

 

But how did you feel initially when you found out about your husband's affair? On D-Day? Before your RA. That is what I am referring to with my posts. Think of all those conscious choices your husband had to make in order for him to cheat on you. While I can process your situation worked out like it did, and that's wonderful news, most of the time I would say a marriage doesn't benefit from an affair. It is harmful to it. And that's no state secret to anyone who is married.

 

I guess that is why I personally have a hard time lending support to cheaters, they didn't "trip and fall into her vagina" or "accidently bum-dial/sext the OM 30 times last week!" They knew *exactly* what they were doing - (which is, in essence, a hostile act against their unsuspecting emotional and financial partner, the BS.) An example of this hostility I speak of can be illustrated by your "revenge" affair.

 

I guess other people are just more forgiving than me regarding infidelity. Which is something that I can absolutely live with.

Edited November 11, 2010 by YellowShark
spelling

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, Im really sorry that your wife was a jerk and hurt you. I think what you went through sucks. However, there comes a time to forgive and move on. You seem to go out of your way to chastise and berate any and all OW on this board, even when you dont know the whole story.

 

first of all, the "move on" can be said to everyone on this board and then hence there wouldn't be anyone here.

 

second, the only part of the story I need to know is if the OW/OM knew the person they were bedding down is married.

 

If they were lied to and didn't know the marital status of the person they are with, thats a different matter.

 

and nice try with saying "OW" as if I don't apply the same to OM as well...which I do, many times over.

 

 

Does that make you feel better? It seems like you are on some sort of mission to cut down any woman that you can who seemingly has done what your wife did to you.

 

if they continue on a path where they don't care about who they hurt in the process, yes. Too many people here don't give a crap who they hurt and can't seem to take criticism or the cold hard truth about things.

 

 

That in my opinion is no way to heal. And by the way, once a cheater always a cheater is so not true.

 

yes, it is. even if someone doesn't actually ever physically cheat again, its in their character and the desire to mess around with new people doesn't go away, they just supress their actions. hence...still a cheater

 

 

 

Good luck to you. I know you will just respond defensively to this post.

 

well if you knew that, then it indicates your real motive for posting it now doesn't it?

[confusedinkansas]

yes, it is. even if someone doesn't actually ever physically cheat again, its in their character and the desire to mess around with new people doesn't go away, they just supress their actions. hence...still a cheater

 

Ok so what you're saying then is that EVERYONE is a cheater but you & others that don't cheat just surpress your actions better than the rest of us? Cuz that's what it sounds like you're saying...........

 

That would mean we're all murderers but many just never cross that line & actually perform the act.

We're all thief's but many never cross that line. We're all drug addicts but many never cross that line.......??????????

 

No - but then again..... This is a matter that you & I - & you & many others will never see eye to eye on.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok so what you're saying then is that EVERYONE is a cheater, but you & others that don't cheat just surpress your actions better than the rest of us? Cuz that's what it sounds like you're saying...........

 

nope because not everyone has the desire to mess around. some of us like committment.

 

a cheater pines for it

[confusedinkansas]

nope because not everyone has the desire to mess around. some of us like committment.

 

a cheater pines for it

 

I can't speak for anyone else here......But I sure don't!!

Kinda think there are many here that feel the same way I do.

[ladydesigner]

I am picking up what you're putting down. Glad it worked out for you two.

 

But how did you feel initially when you found out about your husband's affair? On D-Day? Before your RA. That is what I am referring to with my posts. Think of all those conscious choices your husband had to make in order for him to cheat on you. While I can process your situation worked out like it did, and that's wonderful news, most of the time I would say a marriage doesn't benefit from an affair. It is harmful to it. And that's no state secret to anyone who is married.

 

I guess that is why I personally have a hard time lending support to cheaters, they didn't "trip and fall into her vagina" or "accidently bum-dial/sext the OM 30 times last week!" They knew *exactly* what they were doing - (which is, in essence, a hostile act against their unsuspecting emotional and financial partner, the BS.) An example of this hostility I speak of can be illustrated by your "revenge" affair.

 

I guess other people are just more forgiving than me regarding infidelity. Which is something that I can absolutely live with.

 

I initially felt like I knew his A would happen. We were having a lot of sexual hangups at the time (him wanting more and me wanting less and the cycle just got vicious). We had just had 2 kids, a death in the family, a lot of other info I cannot explain here due to TMI but I had A LOT of resentment. I also was doing ALL of the parenting and most of the financial support. I guess he needed an ego boost. So I was not surprised by his A. I felt angry and like my self-esteem had been shattered. I hated my H.

 

Oh yes hostile it was. I'm not by any means saying what I did was right. It was downright wrong and went against everything I believed in. I strongly felt like I needed to even the score. I should have delt with my emotional turmoil in counseling. Very bad decisions made on my part.

[Spiritgirl]

Dexter:

"yes, it is. even if someone doesn't actually ever physically cheat again, its in their character and the desire to mess around with new people doesn't go away, they just supress their actions. hence...still a cheater"

 

Well its impressive that you can read the minds of EVERY person who has ever cheated. People cheat for many different reasons and under many different circumstances. You may want to be a bit more careful with your generalizations. Especially when you dont even know the people you are saying these things about. When you come from a place of speaking your truth without harsh judgments, THEN you can truly make a difference in others lives.

[michaelhopes]

Thank goodness for Dexter and a few others like him......

Otherwise this forum would dissolve into a politically correct ,morally relative, steaming pile of dung.....

[desertIslandCactus]

Dexter:

"yes, it is. even if someone doesn't actually ever physically cheat again, its in their character and the desire to mess around with new people doesn't go away, they just supress their actions. hence...still a cheater"

 

Well its impressive that you can read the minds of EVERY person who has ever cheated. People cheat for many different reasons and under many different circumstances. You may want to be a bit more careful with your generalizations. Especially when you dont even know the people you are saying these things about. When you come from a place of speaking your truth without harsh judgments, THEN you can truly make a difference in others lives.

 

Actually if you are speaking of Marital infidelity/adultery then the reasons or circumstances for cheating are of no importance.

 

Sin is sin.

[confusedinkansas]

Actually if you are speaking of Marital infidelity/adultery then the reasons or circumstances for cheating are of no importance. Sin is sin.

 

This is very true, however, everything in life has a reason.

The thief steals because he has no money. (But Dex, has sympathy for the thief because he has no money........I personally don't have sympathy for a thief. Go to work everyday like I do)

A drug addict/alcoholic uses because ______ (I'm guessing can't cope with reality--Don't first hand know this answer) The sun comes up every day because that's the way God intended it to. We go to work, because we have obligations we need to meet........Etc...Etc....Etc....

All REASONS

 

Those of us who have cheated Have A Reason.

 

You who haven't cheated look at our reasoning as an EXCUSE. The reality is there's a Reason for everything. Obviously, our reasoning is of no importance to those that are the BS HERE in LS. (Although, I'd like to think that every single BS here KNOWS the reason why their significant other cheated - whether you think it's relevant or not - I highly doubt you think it's irrelivant)

[Snowflower]

 

You who haven't cheated look at our reasoning as an EXCUSE. The reality is there's a Reason for everything. Obviously, our reasoning is of no importance to those that are the BS HERE in LS. (Although, I'd like to think that every single BS here KNOWS the reason why their significant other cheated - whether you think it's relevant or not - I highly doubt you think it's irrelivant)

 

I get what you're saying. And agree with you to a point.

 

I have always believed that there is an EXPLANATION for everything. It doesn't EXCUSE anything and it isn't the same thing. Explanation does not equal excuse in my book.

 

I needed to understand WHY my husband did what he did. That was me. For some people, the fact that their spouse was unfaithful was enough. No explanation/reason was needed for them. I get that and respect it.

 

For me, and only for me, I needed to understand why. I needed this for my own healing.

 

However, not everyone sees the difference.

[desertIslandCactus]

This is very true, however, everything in life has a reason.

The thief steals because he has no money. (But Dex, has sympathy for the thief because he has no money........I personally don't have sympathy for a thief. Go to work everyday like I do)

A drug addict/alcoholic uses because ______ (I'm guessing can't cope with reality--Don't first hand know this answer) The sun comes up every day because that's the way God intended it to. We go to work, because we have obligations we need to meet........Etc...Etc....Etc....

All REASONS

 

Those of us who have cheated Have A Reason.

 

You who haven't cheated look at our reasoning as an EXCUSE. The reality is there's a Reason for everything. Obviously, our reasoning is of no importance to those that are the BS HERE in LS. (Although, I'd like to think that every single BS here KNOWS the reason why their significant other cheated - whether you think it's relevant or not - I highly doubt you think it's irrelivant)

 

I was a BS and then many years later in an ER. So in the confusion between both .. I had to go to God's Word, in order to speak truth.

 

The thief who took $50,000. of my valuables from my storage .. Obviously thought he needed My possessions more than I did .. No matter what his reasoning .. still: Sin is Sin..

[YellowShark]

I needed to understand WHY my husband did what he did. That was me. For some people, the fact that their spouse was unfaithful was enough. No explanation/reason was needed for them. I get that and respect it.

 

I fall into that category. I really don't care why my EX cheated, there is NOTHING she could say to defend what is in-defensible. Simply the fact is she did it, chose to be with another man who was married with a pregnant wife at home was all the information I needed to know.

 

(Hell, anything she would say about the affair would just be blamescaping and gaslighting anyways... )

[Snowflower]

I fall into that category. I really don't care why my EX cheated, there is NOTHING she could say to defend what is in-defensible. Simply the fact is she did it, chose to be with another man who was married with a pregnant wife at home was all the information I needed to know.

 

(Hell, anything she would say about the affair would just be blamescaping and gaslighting anyways... )

 

Yep, that's pretty disgusting that your EX would be with someone who had a pregnant wife. I guess it kind of blows that whole "my MM doesn't have sex with his W" theory out of the water!

 

And sometimes, there is no "WHY" that will ever be enough of an explanation. Sometimes it is just too horrific.

[donnamaybe]

Apparently we're supposed to contat Merriam-Webster and Funk and Wagnell's and let them know to strike the word "excuse" from their dictionaries.

[YellowShark]

Apparently we're supposed to contat Merriam-Webster and Funk and Wagnell's and let them know to strike the word "excuse" from their dictionaries.

 

Not at all.

 

It's just there is no excuse for cheating on your financial and emotional partner. When you cheat you make your bed willfully and consciously. Therefore you have to eventually sleep in it.. there are no excuses for throwing your unsuspecting spouse under a bus.

 

IMHO the only excuse that is reasonable to me is "I cheated, and I did it because I failed to act with integrity and maturity."

[2sure]

Excuse, Reason...of course someone who cheats, steals, lies, or does anything that will hurt themselves or others has a reason or excuse...its all justification. Its required. But "reason" implies that its a good excuse, as if it HAD to be done.

[Snowflower]

Not at all.

 

 

IMHO the only excuse that is reasonable to me is "I cheated, and I did it because I failed to act with integrity and maturity."

 

And some people do come to this conclusion. They realized they failed and seek to make it right.

 

Many cheaters don't do this but there are a lot that do.

 

What should be done with the ones who realize the error of their ways?

[donnamaybe]

Not at all.

 

It's just there is no excuse for cheating on your financial and emotional partner. When you cheat you make your bed willfully and consciously. Therefore you have to eventually sleep in it.. there are no excuses for throwing your unsuspecting spouse under a bus.

 

IMHO the only excuse that is reasonable to me is "I cheated, and I did it because I failed to act with integrity and maturity."

But remember - they're not "excuses." They're "reasons."