Understanding the mindset of a cheater: To all x-cheaters. What made you stop?

[fun2bewith]

What made you realize, you would never do it again...and you have never done it again after that?

[Nemicron]

with all do respect. I dont belive this. once a cheater always a cheater. I'll never trust anything otherwise.

 

 

 

What made you realize, you would never do it again...and you have never done it again after that?

[fun2bewith]

with all do respect. I dont belive this. once a cheater always a cheater. I'll never trust anything otherwise.

 

 

I do feel you! I am angry at my x and I saw your post on you ex and it was terrible to read...Felt very sorry for you man! But you kind of inpired a lot of people, to think you could actually be strong enough and tought it out...I was also thinking about revenge...The best revenge is your success. I just want to see if there is anybody out there that believe they did change and that what impact was needed for them to change...or why they cheated in the first place?

[Nemicron]

I hate telling everyone what happened to me. I end up feeling like I'm dirty or something. But again I didn't do anything to deserve what my ex did to me. But cheating isn't the answer. I think if your really that unhappy. Then friggin leave. All cheating does is end up being nothing but heart ache and other crap. So whats the point. So in telling my story maybe it will inspire someone out there to realize that guys like me have been through hell and back maybe they will stop being stupid and grow up. And I think the excuse well I'm only in my 20's isn't an excuse. Dont hook up with anyone then if you can't keep your legs closed. And I dont give a flying rats @ss. You can't accidentally cheat. Thats BS. Either you were to weak and not grow up. Or you are. its only black and white when it comes to that. There is NO excuse for that.

 

 

 

I do feel you! I am angry at my x and I saw your post on you ex and it was terrible to read...Felt very sorry for you man! But you kind of inpired a lot of people, to think you could actually be strong enough and tought it out...I was also thinking about revenge...The best revenge is your success. I just want to see if there is anybody out there that believe they did change and that what impact was needed for them to change...or why they cheated in the first place?

[fun2bewith]

I hate telling everyone what happened to me. I end up feeling like I'm dirty or something. But again I didn't do anything to deserve what my ex did to me. But cheating isn't the answer. I think if your really that unhappy. Then friggin leave. All cheating does is end up being nothing but heart ache and other crap. So whats the point. So in telling my story maybe it will inspire someone out there to realize that guys like me have been through hell and back maybe they will stop being stupid and grow up. And I think the excuse well I'm only in my 20's isn't an excuse. Dont hook up with anyone then if you can't keep your legs closed. And I dont give a flying rats @ss. You can't accidentally cheat. Thats BS. Either you were to weak and not grow up. Or you are. its only black and white when it comes to that. There is NO excuse for that.

 

In 2003, I dated a girl that cheated on me with 3 guys and girl...I took revenge...I made sure her life was hell, I made sure she suffered all emotional pain and it felt good! but everytime I took revenge I was happy for 2 -3 days and then I wanted revenge again...I could never quench the thirst for revenge...I got super depressed and ended up in psycologial treatment program...I wanted kill, I felt like I was going to kill her and all the others...but after that I made sure that I could not ever do that again to myself...I decided to cut my losses and "leave the casino" and focused all my attention on what I loved doing...I became a semi-celeb in my hometown and my success drove her up the wall...She begged me to take her back...but I was immune against her influence... Cause you see "you control you, nobody else contols you" So you have the power to be great both evil and good... But if you can do evil and the end result benifits everybody including her then go for it...

[Nemicron]

well put. I would like to make my ex's life hell like she did to me for 3-4 years. But in the end I think your right it wouldn't serve any purpose.

 

 

In 2003, I dated a girl that cheated on me with 3 guys and girl...I took revenge...I made sure her life was hell, I made sure she suffered all emotional pain and it felt good! but everytime I took revenge I was happy for 2 -3 days and then I wanted revenge again...I could never quench the thirst for revenge...I got super depressed and ended up in psycologial treatment program...I wanted kill, I felt like I was going to kill her and all the others...but after that I made sure that I could not ever do that again to myself...I decided to cut my losses and "leave the casino" and focused all my attention on what I loved doing...I became a semi-celeb in my hometown and my success drove her up the wall...She begged me to take her back...but I was immune against her influence... Cause you see "you control you, nobody else contols you" So you have the power to be great both evil and good... But if you can do evil and the end result benifits everybody including her then go for it...

[Sivok]

Revenge never really felt that good to me. My most recent ex was cheating on a bf with me apparently, so I made her life hell. I destroyed her relationship with the guy, and I exposed everything she was/did to her family. She ended up attempting suicide and staying in a hospital for a week.

 

With my ex before that, I spewed so much built up hurtful venom that she got ****faced drunk, decided to drive, and got into an accident - placing her in the hospital for 3 weeks.

 

It felt amazing at that moment. Completely ripping their lives apart after the pain they caused me. Realistically, all I did was cause somebody else pain - it did nothing to improve my own grieving... If anything, I just made it worse.

[davisc123]

I could create havoc in my ex's life quite easily, but it's important to keep the moral high ground.

 

I was close to her family and yet she didn't have it in her to tell them she cheated on me. And she asked me not to tell them.

 

I wanted them to know the real reason, and it still hurts that she is now with OM and her brother has met him and is none the wiser. He is just her new boyfriend to them. And soon he will meet all of her family.

 

Not many people know the full story. But what purpose would it serve to muscle in, I'm hoping that karma does it for me.

[YellowShark]

with all do respect. I dont belive this. once a cheater always a cheater. I'll never trust anything otherwise.

 

IMHO once a cheater not always a cheater. But twice a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Some people do learn from their mistakes. Sadly other people are just broken inside and toxic, therefore they make the same mistakes over and over.

 

It's the people who make the same mistakes over and over that cannot ever be trusted.

 

I was close to her family and yet she didn't have it in her to tell them she cheated on me. And she asked me not to tell them.

 

Same here. Her family thinks I - the faithful partner - is the bad guy in the split. When in fact, she was the one who cheated on me... twice! Go figure. Makes me so sad to think her family feels ill will towards me because they have not been given the truth by my EX.

Edited November 9, 2010 by YellowShark

[gabby898]

What made you realize, you would never do it again...and you have never done it again after that?

 

I was young and stupid. I kinda cheated on him with a guy I used to fancy 3 years ago.

With everyone telling me that my relationship will not work and everyone being against my relationship and me seeing my relationship ending and feeling like I want to end it, I cheated on him...

 

The guy was horrible. which made me realise how badly I wanted my bf and that I should appreciate him more.

 

Never again because it felt BAD and WRONG. Thoughts of my bf would pop up in my head everytime I was with that guy. I still feel bad about it and always will probably...

[Cee]

I've cheated on most of my exes. It was like a compulsion to me to hurt someone before they hurt me. I know it's terrible.

 

I know I had a problem so I stopped being in relationships. I haven't cheated on anyone in 6 years because I've been single.

 

I don't think I'd cheat again because I got therapy for the underlying problem. The reasons for cheating aren't present anymore. But who knows. I don't know if I'm trustworthy or not.

[2sure]

I wasnt the cheater...I was OW to MM a number of years ago. A few times. I stopped initially because it dawned on me that MM was inept and selfish if he was cheating on his wife. That became unattractive, soon followed by my WTF am I doing moment, quickly followed by I'm better than this.

 

Sadly, it was not until I remarried and my H cheated on me that I understood I was as cheezy when I was OW as the MM were.

[Eeyore79]

I disagree with the people who took revenge on their exes. Two wrongs don't make a right; you're still a bad person if you hurt someone, even if they hurt you first. Just because someone breaks up with you, that doesn't give you the right to act like a complete dick.

 

I could quite easily have taken revenge on my ex when I found out he had another gf throughout our entire five month relationship. I was extremely angry about him making me into the OW without me even knowing. I could have contacted his other gf and told her everything, sent her naked photos of him and photos of the two of us together. But that would just be spiteful; I chose to take the moral high ground and just cut all contact with him and let it go, because I refused to sink to his level.

[wicar1]

with all do respect. I dont belive this. once a cheater always a cheater. I'll never trust anything otherwise.

 

 

once a cheater always a cheater- 100% true

[USCGAviator]

I cheated in HS but thats what its all about. Married for 10 years and only lusted with my eyes. Never ever would have cheated on my spouse.

 

Now dating around these days I go with the no BS attitude. If I'm gonna start seeing another person I tell the current one that we shouldn't see each other.

Honesty actually works wow

[Pleco]

once a cheater always a cheater- 100% true

No. Even one instance of someone cheating only once and then stopping disproves this statement.

 

Myself included. I got stupid one night and let myself get too intoxicated on a drug. I was very young and dumb. Apparently I cheated on my bf at the time. I barely remember it.

 

I can't say for sure that I'll never cheat again because I'm still pretty young and you never know what could happen, but I'm 99% sure I'll never do it again. And I'm sure there are people out there who have cheated once and then lived out their lives having never cheated again.

 

I hate sweeping generalizations.

[Pencil]

In most instances, people who cheat are cowards, not all, I mean there are exceptions to every rule, like teenage ignorance and the like.

But generally after the age of 18 or so, if you're cheating on purpose, it's usually a sign that there's something wrong in the primary relationship and you're looking for fulfillment somewhere else.

Taking the high ground means being honest with yourself first, and admitting that there's a problem. Then if you have some courage, you go to your partner and talk these things out TOGETHER. If the relationship gets worse and can't be salvaged, then it's time to mutually let go with at least some semblance of dignity.

 

Unfortunately, most cheaters are cowards. Rather than have those difficult conversations, it's just easier to find something on the side, a quick fix to make yourself feel better and never mind the damage it does to other people. It's a form of selfishness.

 

I remember in my first year at university, I had a long term boyfriend of 2 years. We were having major problems and I found myself falling for someone else very fast. We still had not broken up and I was really starting to feel guilty about these other feelings which were developing for this other person (no, we never really connected). I realized the relationship was breaking down. I gave it another 6 months after which point we had that talk and ended things mutually. I didn't hook up with the other guy but I learned that when things are going bad, the other side of the fence looks great but that doesn't mean you need to just go off and jump over.

 

It takes work to solve problems together. I think the mature and honest thing to do is acknowledge the fact and then decide what to do. The problem in our quick-fix society is that no one wants to do that kind of work anymore.

[cerridwen]

What Pencil pointed out about cowardice is so true. In my ex's case, he was cowardly AND lazy AND a cheater since his teens.

 

My ex-bf finally admitted to me, after numerous cyber-transgressions, that he was a serial cheater. The problem, he said, began before me and he felt he couldn't be trusted in the future so I should not be in a relationship with him.

 

What irks me most is he has resigned himself to having a cheating problem rather than trying to overcome it. Through many conversations near the end, we pinpointed some of the sources of the problem. But rather than do the tough therapeutic work that maybe painful in that it dredges up stuff, he decided to be the "hero" and just let me go instead. Obviously, he'll always be a cheater unless he resolves his issues and develops some character.

[Kendrick]

Well, I haven't cheated nor been cheated on, that I know of! However, my mother was cheated on by my dad, not once but numerous times. I remember she asked him if he cheated because of her, was it something she did or didn't do. He told her no, it wasn't her and nothing she had done. So she asked him, then WHY did you? he said, "I don't know." That was years ago. He didn't know then why and to this day he doesn't know why. IMO, I think people do know why, but maybe they just don't want to say why.

[wicar1]

No. Even one instance of someone cheating only once and then stopping disproves this statement.

 

Myself included. I got stupid one night and let myself get too intoxicated on a drug. I was very young and dumb. Apparently I cheated on my bf at the time. I barely remember it.

 

I can't say for sure that I'll never cheat again because I'm still pretty young and you never know what could happen, but I'm 99% sure I'll never do it again. And I'm sure there are people out there who have cheated once and then lived out their lives having never cheated again.

 

I hate sweeping generalizations.

 

No offense,

 

- I got stupid one night and let myself get too intoxicated on a drug.

I donno about drugs, never used them. Anyway once you take drugs what happens? Does it arouse sexual feelings? Does it make you have sex with anyone regardless of who they are?

 

- I can't say for sure that I'll never cheat again because I'm still pretty young and you never know what could happen

So you agree that you could cheat in the future. Being young does not mean you can cheat. I dont intend to say you WILL cheat, what I say is in my eyes the chances of you cheating again are 99%. you ve done it once and it's not a big deal for you to do it again.

[phillyfan]

Guess I grew up, stopped bein selfish. We all get tempted sure but its only the immature kids out there that follow thru, cause they think they r entitled to have whateva they want right there in the moment. Its immature, growin up, bein less selfish, and havin self control and some morals, thats what did it for me. I used to think that being a playa was cool and then realized it is pretty dumb, actually...

[phillyfan]

What Pencil pointed out about cowardice is so true. In my ex's case, he was cowardly AND lazy AND a cheater since his teens.

 

My ex-bf finally admitted to me, after numerous cyber-transgressions, that he was a serial cheater. The problem, he said, began before me and he felt he couldn't be trusted in the future so I should not be in a relationship with him.

 

What irks me most is he has resigned himself to having a cheating problem rather than trying to overcome it. Through many conversations near the end, we pinpointed some of the sources of the problem. But rather than do the tough therapeutic work that maybe painful in that it dredges up stuff, he decided to be the "hero" and just let me go instead. Obviously, he'll always be a cheater unless he resolves his issues and develops some character.

 

LOL tough therapeutic work my azz, the guy loves chasin tail, so he chases tail. He has no problems, he knows what he likes and hes out there gettin it. Dont commit the poor guy to therapy just cause he doesnt fit with what you think he shud be.

 

He sounds like a jackazz tho.

[cerridwen]

LOL tough therapeutic work my azz, the guy loves chasin tail, so he chases tail. He has no problems, he knows what he likes and hes out there gettin it. Dont commit the poor guy to therapy just cause he doesnt fit with what you think he shud be.

 

He sounds like a jackazz tho.

 

You must know him...or at least you write like you do.

 

Yes, tough therapeutic work.

He's told me over and over how he's hated his life for awhile, hates being angry, hates distrusting women, hates resenting his mother, hates wanting a relationship because he's seen every relationship close to him fail. He acknowledges he has a cheating problem, he knows where it comes from, yet he decides to take a woe-is-me/shrug shoulders/defeatist (and selfish) approach.

 

Where you and I agree is that he's a jackass.

 

But thanks for your simplified perspective.

Edited November 21, 2010 by cerridwen

[karnak]

 

Unfortunately, most cheaters are cowards. Rather than have those difficult conversations, it's just easier to find something on the side, a quick fix to make yourself feel better and never mind the damage it does to other people. It's a form of selfishness.

 

(...)

 

. I didn't hook up with the other guy but I learned that when things are going bad, the other side of the fence looks great but that doesn't mean you need to just go off and jump over.

 

(...)

 

It takes work to solve problems together. I think the mature and honest thing to do is acknowledge the fact and then decide what to do. The problem in our quick-fix society is that no one wants to do that kind of work anymore.

 

AMEN.

 

People like you keep saying the truth here in LS. Unfortunately, most people think listening to the truth is too much work.

[carhill]

It was situational and out of character historically and a healthy dose of counseling and an expensive divorce put that genie or whatever it was back in the bottle. Even during the very vulnerable period of divorcing, I've resisted the call of the OM a couple of times, seeing clearly the changes that the unhealthy experiences of infidelity and its cost have wrought. IMO, part of the process was finishing unfinished business (see my journals) and, with that resolved, the 'desire' is gone.

 

In retrospect, the main motivator of having an EA versus a divorce was the fear of losing my financial ability (in a divorce) to care for my terminally ill mother (now deceased) and the EA was a coping mechanism until I could get to a point of resolution. I had all the difficult confrontations prior and the EA was proactively disclosed. There were no secrets.

 

Today, I'd just divorce or leave. No ambiguity and no hesitation. Bye bye