to tony, re: fred, or anyone else who has an opinion.

[wilma]

tony, first of all my b'f's name if not fred, nor is my wilma, but i thought they went well together. my b'f "fred" showed me his post so now i would like the chance to defend myself, so here goes. sorry if this gets long. first of all i was not abused, my mom did drink while i was young until i was about 15 when i got pregnant then she stayed home all the time and her and i grew close but my sisters and brothers hated each other for as long as i can remember, altho i do remember some fun and closeness when we were little then puberty set in and that was that. my dad was never around, he denied i was his so i never got the chance to have one but my mom had various boyfriends that i remember, some good, some drunks, i never seen her get abused either. yet all the guys i chose were drunks, abusive or both, mostly both. if i didn't see this why did i pick this up? my b'f isnt as great as he has portrayed him self to be. he has given me ultimatums about changing and counseling, so i did both. i get no recognition from him for my efforts, he barely acknowledges that i have changed. i told him changing is mostly internal first then later you will see it outwardly, he don't believe me. if he knew half the crap that i have controlled instead of opening my big mouth and saying things about other women, his work, jealousy,his drinking and so on, he would be shocked to see that i have gained alot of control. i do so much inward thinking that at times my head spins. when i am about to say something about another women for example or about his family or job, i bite my tonuge until i think it through then i speak or drop it, if i can't justify my thoughts and i know they are warped i let them go. don't get me wrong, i don't always do this, but if he knew how many times a day i do this he'd be pleased with my progress. of course all he sees are the times that i do ask, accuse, manipulate, complain, etc. i try so hard tho. i can't afford counseling anymore as i lost my insurance when my daughter turned 18. now the down side of all of this is he has not been that supportive. he keeps accusing me of trying to control him when i'm not, he thinks i'm jealous just because i ask something about another women, when in fact i'm not, he has me pegged so bad that he don't see any good in me any more. when we met i tried to tell him that i wasn't looking for a relationship that i know how i am in one and that i didn't want to be in one. he persisted tony, not me, i gave in and went for it. regrets? at times,yes, but not always. so he knew what he was in for now he is complaining? i knew i was better off alone and that i would only hurt who i was with. he is a good man, i think the world of him, he has done me no favors tho by being with me. he drinks too, not so much as when we first met, cause i told him, i didn't want to cramp his life style and tell him what to do, that i didn't like his drinking so much. he offered to slow down, now he only drinks when we go out, and i still dont' like it, but most of the time i don't say anything, sometimes i get in my moods and say something. sometimes he tells me where to go, (hell) he blows up at me and tells me to leave him alone and he don't know if he wants to continue this relationship with me cause of the way i am. he failed to tell you these things didnt' he? i never beg him to stay, i did once, but never again, will i stoop that low to beg a man to be with me. however that was my breaking point and the next day i set up an appointment for counseling, that was last winter sometime. he is not an angel by any means, he is not supportive, patient or very understanding unless he has had a few beers to "relax" with. all in all tho he is good to me. he is stable and reliable, something i'm not use to and adjusting to him has been difficult, but well worth it if our relationship ended today, i could walk away smarter, more knowledgeable about myself and life and what i want, and would probably not be satisfied with a chaotic man again. in some ways he does provide that chaoticness that he mentioned, just because he is easy to win over and he does alot to try to make me happy. i know this is sick to say, but he is easy to manipulate. this is not a positive point i want to make here but just to say that i am aware that i have done that and don't make it a habit any more. i have learned to be very skillful in manipulation, guilt, getting my own way and playing games. i am not proud! anyway, i think i said all i can say, sorry this was so long. i felt i had to defend myself tho. i want to continue counseling. reading your post made me cry, why? maybe cause inside i know i hurt, i hurt for the little girl who feels so neglected, who still wants her mother, even tho her mother is long gone, but still "needs" her. at times i want so bad to share things with someone but my daugter is all i have. i try to share things with the b'f but he is not interested in hearing about my wacky dream i had last night, or the antics of someone at work, etc. he listens with one ear, no eyes no real attention, there but not there. my cat listens better then he does, so does my dog and he is deaf, maybe "fred" is deaf too. so i'd like to hear your side of this now. any suggestions on what kind of counselor to look for? the one i had was so-so, but i felt it didn't do too much good. i cried everytime i seen him tho and i heard that that is a good sign. p.s. my sisters don't seem affected by anything that happened in our childhoods, while i seem to be the only one who is like i am, really no one else in my family is anything like me, they think if our dad wanted to see us he would of, so piss on him, that is what they say. i don't agree, i think he didn't know about us at all and that the guy who my mom says is our dad isn't, and that our real dad don't know we ever existed. i truely believe that. i am in my 40's. and you are never to old to learn. thank you for listening, and reading if you got this far it is a miracle, cause i would of quit by now. thank you. wilma

[Tony T]

You seem to have a lot of insight on your life, where you've been and where you would like to go. I think you will get there...but you have to do the work.