Dude's going to blow it...

[D-Lish]

I've been out with someone I like. 2 Dates, we've clicked, I like him. I want to see more of him.

 

All of a sudden he's saying things that make him appear insecure about himself.

 

I accept that everyone is insecure- but you shouldn't showcase it, because it's not attractive.

 

We made out a bit last date- date #2.

 

I originally liked him because he came off as so confident and funny on our dates. I saw a little bit of self deprecating humour initially- but it's getting a bit overboard.

 

We had a great time Sunday and planned to meet again this Wednesday. He text me this morning to firm up the plans for Wednesday and I didn't text him back right away- I was on the road and when I got to my desintation I was jumping into work stuff right away. I got a second text saying "it's okay if you aren't interested, just let me know".

 

I just loved that he was so confident initially, that's what attracted me to him- that and his awesome humour.

 

I text back- "we are on for Wed, looking forward to it". He immediately text back "ok, good, wasn't sure :-("

 

I immediately felt different about him after this exchange.

[Star Gazer]

Ugh. I sooooo know how that goes.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well that text certainly oozed insecurity... did you ever say how old he was?

[johan]

Sorry to hear that, D. He does care to know where he stands with you. Maybe too much.

[northern_sky]

Wow, I thought I was the only one who pulled those sorts of shenanigans. Yeah, that is a turn off. :/

[northern_sky]

I've been out with someone I like. 2 Dates, we've clicked, I like him. I want to see more of him.

 

All of a sudden he's saying things that make him appear insecure about himself.

 

I accept that everyone is insecure- but you shouldn't showcase it, because it's not attractive.

 

We made out a bit last date- date #2.

 

I originally liked him because he came off as so confident and funny on our dates. I saw a little bit of self deprecating humour initially- but it's getting a bit overboard.

 

We had a great time Sunday and planned to meet again this Wednesday. He text me this morning to firm up the plans for Wednesday and I didn't text him back right away- I was on the road and when I got to my desintation I was jumping into work stuff right away. I got a second text saying "it's okay if you aren't interested, just let me know".

 

I just loved that he was so confident initially, that's what attracted me to him- that and his awesome humour.

 

I text back- "we are on for Wed, looking forward to it". He immediately text back "ok, good, wasn't sure :-("

 

I immediately felt different about him after this exchange.

 

I think he is insecure and he is also probably shocked that you're into him, because as you described him he's a lot less conventionally attractive than you are. He probably can't believe that somebody as hot, funny, smart and cool as you would be into him, and is afraid of messing things up. Of course it's turning into a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Jannah]

It's going on the third date, is it possible you are just looking for things on the surface to sabotage it?

[LittleTiger]

Wow - all I can say is no wonder there are guys on here who are having a hard time dating!

 

He's human D-Lish (and everyone else who's given him the thumbs down). He's not going to be perfect. You like him. Don't judge him as being insecure based on one little text exchange and a few jokes at his own expense.

 

Maybe he's really fallen for you and this is new for him.

 

When you see him next, how about reassuring him that you really like him so he doesn't need to feel insecure. You can even tell him that you don't find self-deprecating humour particularly funny. Boost his ego for him and tell how great you think he is - he might turn out to be a real gem.

 

It is possible that he doesn't have the confidence you apparently need in a man but it's a bit early to tell and you have no idea what's causing his 'insecurity'. Just give him a chance.

[D-Lish]

Ugh. I sooooo know how that goes.

 

It just ruined the excitement I was feeling Star...

 

Well that text certainly oozed insecurity... did you ever say how old he was?

 

35 Paper.

 

 

I think he is insecure and he is also probably shocked that you're into him, because as you described him he's a lot less conventionally attractive than you are. He probably can't believe that somebody as hot, funny, smart and cool as you would be into him, and is afraid of messing things up. Of course it's turning into a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I'll tell you something Northern- I am not as attractive as I am confident. At least in the way I present myself. I'm not actually confident, I just play it like an actor in a role. I often feel like **** about myself- but I don't want a guy I am dating to see that.

 

A lot of the insecurities you post about- I feel them too- a lot. I just drive through them. I drive though them and deal with them on my own time, no matter how bad I feel about myself.

 

I'm 41, In my pics- those long locks? Extensions!

 

I was really into this guy, I still want to find a way to be into this guy.

[Star Gazer]

Don't judge him as being insecure based on one little text exchange and a few jokes at his own expense.

 

Unfortunately, I think it's a pretty fair and accurate conclusion.

 

The biggest sign was the ":(" at the end of his last text message. It would make me cringe to get a message like that.

 

Secure responses?

 

"Sweet!"

"Awesome!"

"Great, I'll pick you up at X."

 

Or even... "Ha, got ahead of myself there. ;)"

 

But not "Wah, I wasn't sure. :("

[D-Lish]

It's going on the third date, is it possible you are just looking for things on the surface to sabotage it?

 

Yes, that is possible J. I'm prone to that.

 

Wow - all I can say is no wonder there are guys on here who are having a hard time dating!

 

He's human D-Lish (and everyone else who's given him the thumbs down). He's not going to be perfect. You like him. Don't judge him as being insecure based on one little text exchange and a few jokes at his own expense.

 

Maybe he's really fallen for you and this is new for him.

 

When you see him next, how about reassuring him that you really like him so he doesn't need to feel insecure. You can even tell him that you don't find self-deprecating humour particularly funny. Boost his ego for him and tell how great you think he is - he might turn out to be a real gem.

 

It is possible that he doesn't have the confidence you apparently need in a man but it's a bit early to tell and you have no idea what's causing his 'insecurity'. Just give him a chance.

 

I am going to see him again on Wed. It just threw a wrench into things when he showed his cards so quickly.

[Star Gazer]

It just ruined the excitement I was feeling Star...

 

I was really into this guy, I still want to find a way to be into this guy.

 

I received emails or texts like the one you received, and literally found myself shaking my fist in the air, screaming, "Whhhyyyyyy!?!??! Arrrggghhh!!!"

 

They just shoot themselves in the foot when they do stuff like this?

 

It's really no different than a girl texting, "Are you seeing anyone else?" or "Am I pretty enough for you?" or "Do you like me?" after the first or second date.

[LittleTiger]

I am going to see him again on Wed. It just threw a wrench into things when he showed his cards so quickly.

 

Like I said, he's human and he's flawed, just the like the rest of us.

 

If you think about, he's actually being more open about who he is than you are. You're 'pretending' to be super-confident, he's just being himself. That suggests honesty and courage to me.

 

Focus on his good points because he's obviously got lots of them. If you look for his faults, you'll find them, because we ALL have lots of those.

 

Have a great time on Wednesday.

[e.clipse]

I am going to see him again on Wed. It just threw a wrench into things when he showed his cards so quickly.

 

it is good you are going to see him again, D. it seems to me that maybe he is just really hooked on you, and that is making him nervous. it doesn't necessarily have to be insecurity, though.

 

give him more of a chance. i hope you have fun on Wednesday!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've been out with someone I like. 2 Dates, we've clicked, I like him. I want to see more of him.

All of a sudden he's saying things that make him appear insecure about himself.

I accept that everyone is insecure- but you shouldn't showcase it, because it's not attractive.

We made out a bit last date- date #2.

I originally liked him because he came off as so confident and funny on our dates. I saw a little bit of self deprecating humour initially- but it's getting a bit overboard.

We had a great time Sunday and planned to meet again this Wednesday. He text me this morning to firm up the plans for Wednesday and I didn't text him back right away- I was on the road and when I got to my desintation I was jumping into work stuff right away. I got a second text saying "it's okay if you aren't interested, just let me know".

I just loved that he was so confident initially, that's what attracted me to him- that and his awesome humour.

I text back- "we are on for Wed, looking forward to it". He immediately text back "ok, good, wasn't sure :-("

I immediately felt different about him after this exchange.

 

Don't be one of those "show no weakness" types.

 

I've dated a few in my time... and I got tired of it really quick. I think it's a clear sign of trying to use someone else to boost your self esteem.

 

Humility in moderation is not a bad trait.

[welikeincrowds]

I'm 41, In my pics

 

BULL****. You look 10 years younger.

 

Normally I'd advocate for giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now that I've thought about it, I'm mad. This guy's behavior is personally insulting to me. 35 years old, and he hasn't figured out how to lead?

 

If you think about, he's actually being more open about who he is than you are.

 

That's an interesting spin. It may be true, but it implies that he's being honest, which he isn't. He's indirectly fishing for validation of his own character. In this behavior he is using D-Lish for his own gains.

 

You know that we're all capable of evil, LittleTiger. Civilization is the collective agreement to promote the good and suppress the bad within us. So many great things have entered this world because of this expression of our will. Meanwhile, this ****ing guy can't pretend to have his **** together for 2 seconds, just to show D-Lish a good time on a date or two. It's like, get over yourself bro. The world was never about how lame you are.

[musemaj11]

So basically you want him to be an actor like you too?

[Untouchable_Fire]

BULL****. You look 10 years younger.

 

Normally I'd advocate for giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now that I've thought about it, I'm mad. This guy's behavior is personally insulting to me. 35 years old, and he hasn't figured out how to lead?

 

Hey... the guy is taking the Hugh Grant approach. No he isn't fishing for compliments. Otherwise he would have worded things differently.

The guy is being open... and it takes more strength to do that than to just fake being confident.

 

What the heck does he have to lead?

 

Agreed... she looks 31

[Stung]

OK, the text reeked--but give him one more chance, D. This guy seems to have a lot of promise, and nobody's perfect. Maybe he just hasn't been dating much recently, maybe he really likes you, is that so bad?

[ReturnToSender]

I have to say, his texts sound like one of a really good friend of mine, I love her dearly, but I could just strangle her sometimes. Shes so down on herself at times. Like she will say I love you! And Ill say I love you too! and she will reply No you dont =-( or, she will be about to do something and I wish her luck, and she will say do you really believe in me? Cause I dont tihnk I can =-(

 

Depending on how I feel, Ill either console her, ignore it, or just agree with her and call it a day. We've known each other long enough that she knows not to take it personally when Im not in the mood for it. I would have a seriously hard time dating a man who was like that though...not to say one cant have moments of weakness or self doubt, thats a part of being human, we all have em. But yeah, if even after a reassuring message the negative tone and sad faces come out, that kills my mood.

[befreckled]

darn. he is a touch too paranoid for me. I look at it like this, when you start out, you send the best representation of yourself. If this is him at his best, I hate to find out how paranoid he REALLY is when he is comfortable.

 

That said, I agree that you could have left an indelible mark and I'd still go out on that date and offer some ego boosts to see how it goes.

[LittleTiger]

That's an interesting spin. It may be true, but it implies that he's being honest, which he isn't. He's indirectly fishing for validation of his own character. In this behavior he is using D-Lish for his own gains.

 

You know that we're all capable of evil, LittleTiger. Civilization is the collective agreement to promote the good and suppress the bad within us. So many great things have entered this world because of this expression of our will. Meanwhile, this ****ing guy can't pretend to have his **** together for 2 seconds, just to show D-Lish a good time on a date or two. It's like, get over yourself bro. The world was never about how lame you are.

 

I have to disagree with you. Yes, in theory, we're all capable of evil but some of us have evolved to a level that we are fully in control of that aspect of ourselves (however - not the topic here).

 

What we're talking about is DATING. Why the h*ll does everybody take it so d*mn seriously!!!

 

There are millions upon millions of people in this world who just want to find a partner to share their lives with and not one single one of us is perfect. Yes, we all have a bad side, but look for the good in people and you will usually find it.

 

You know nothing about this man, other than what D-Lish has told us, and even that is just her perception, it's not fact. He's not fishing for validation of anything - jeesh, poor guy, give him a break - he's fishing for further information about D-Lish's level of interest. As I said before, who knows where his apparent 'insecurity' came from. He's 35 not 16. He has a past, he has demons, he has 'baggage' - just like the rest of us - and he obviously has shown D-Lish a good time, otherwise she wouldn't be going out with him again.

 

I feel real sympathy for anyone out there 'partner hunting' right now. If everybody in the dating world just gave each other a chance and stopped looking for that specimen of perfection that exists only in their own heads, you'd all be so much happier.

[welikeincrowds]

Hey... the guy is taking the Hugh Grant approach. No he isn't fishing for compliments. Otherwise he would have worded things differently.

The guy is being open... and it takes more strength to do that than to just fake being confident.

 

What the heck does he have to lead?

 

Agreed... she looks 31

 

The Hugh Grant approach? Haha, wow. That's a new one. There's a difference between "befuddled" and "i'm not sure if you're even interested in me :( *A SINGLE TEAR*".

 

Which leads me to my next point: I never said fishing for compliments. (I really shouldn't have used the word "fishing.") What I said was validation of character. No balanced person could become despondent by the third date -- with a stranger, no less -- so what was his reason for expressing even a fraction of that emotion? As if to say "I don't know how to read you, but I will take my read of you seriously, and allow it to reflect on me personally, such that I get emotional over it." Get the **** out of here with that frownie face, bro. There is no reason to believe he was doing this to be attractive, or in any way for D-Lish's benefit. One can only conclude that it was for selfish reasons. He was doing it to feel validated.

 

That's how it is. Whether or not that's a big deal at all is where opinion is free to diverge. I'm annoyed, but in all fairness I'd probably try for a third date. I'm also a neurotic, so, you know, don't listen to me.

[runner]

this guy better shape up. i'd lose my hard-on too if i were D-Lish.

[Trinity2]

I've been out with someone I like. 2 Dates, we've clicked, I like him. I want to see more of him.

 

All of a sudden he's saying things that make him appear insecure about himself.

 

I accept that everyone is insecure- but you shouldn't showcase it, because it's not attractive.

 

We made out a bit last date- date #2.

 

I originally liked him because he came off as so confident and funny on our dates. I saw a little bit of self deprecating humour initially- but it's getting a bit overboard.

 

We had a great time Sunday and planned to meet again this Wednesday. He text me this morning to firm up the plans for Wednesday and I didn't text him back right away- I was on the road and when I got to my desintation I was jumping into work stuff right away. I got a second text saying "it's okay if you aren't interested, just let me know".

 

I just loved that he was so confident initially, that's what attracted me to him- that and his awesome humour.

 

I text back- "we are on for Wed, looking forward to it". He immediately text back "ok, good, wasn't sure :-("

 

I immediately felt different about him after this exchange.

 

D- it almost sounds like a game. I know this might sound way out there, although I have had a lot of experience with control freaks. I just can't put it into sensible words to communicate to you that I have heard this before from people with major control issues.

 

I could understand this response if it was a day or so and you didn't respond, but this is over kill.

 

I sincerely believe this is more than simple insecurity. Please take care of yourself and FOLLOW your initial instincts.

Edited November 9, 2010 by Trinity2