working through the speration...

[Crimson107]

My wife and I have been separated hard sine August. I live in another state 16 hours away. Wife has 1 kid and have 3 with me. I was collecting unemployment since last Oct. but found a job when I moved back to home town after 3 months of looking.

 

Needless to say, Money can't buy love but it sure can do some damage to take it away. We will be married 14 years in Dec. but it will probably be the last. It hurts so much that I want it to work out but I am too broke and stupid to know how to get it right.

 

She felt neglected or suffocated for the past year and a half. However, she can be pretty cruel and insensitive about it too. I am passive and she is aggressive. Good to start a relationship but hard to keep it maintained. We both love our four kids. Heck we even love each other. She doesn't want me to give up a job since I looked for long time but ironically is giving up hers to be back here with her kids.

 

We moved away from hometown so she could pursue her dream to teach. Sadly, I had good intentions to give up my job then. But as we separated to make the first move, I entered into a stupid physical affair do a major blow to what could have been a successful move for our family and marriage.

 

We struggled for the next 4 years, I think my affair cursed me with repos, foreclosure and the only work I could get was sales or contract work. I think I brought it all on myself but only God can know for sure. We almost had one good year after successful MC and employment was steady.

 

However, it didn't last. A layoff took place and it it all went down hill. I keep thinking i have reached bottom. My parents buy groceries every other week for the 4 of us here. I don't own a car cause they either get taken or died a major non-fixable repair. The apartment is cramped and I can't really even take wife and other child back even if they wanted 2 come back. I feel like a country song for sure.

 

I am a mess and can't stop begging my wife that I want to fix things but don't feel like I can come up with any reasons for her to want to come back. She is coming back mostly to be with her kids again. Half our family doesn't even want to be back home cause the weather is much nicer in the other place.

 

So much is wrong that the marriage doesn't have much of chance. It will only take the hand of God because we have both done everything wrong that you can do to a marriage.

 

Just don't know how to get over it, I am crying to all the sad songs on the radio. Hate that arguing with my teen and it feels like arguing with the soon to be ex. I really just hate life right now and don't see that light everyone talks about. Somedays, I can shake the funk but there isn't enough of them to feel progress.

 

I don't know if I am making enough since for anyone to comment on but I am feeling a little better just to collect thoughts. I want so much to work things out but I am trapped by being broke and broken. I am determined to stay responsible and loving my kids. My 2 youngest are really lifting me up. But when they get smart like the 2 older ones, I hope I am finally in a better place.

 

I am trying hard not to make promises to my wife that I can't keep. She gives me info that she cares to inspire me into hope but then lets me know she will just go back to doubting. Its setting in that her needs are too unrealistic for me. As much as I want to be superman, I am surrounded by Krpytonite.

 

Wife is moving back next month even though she can't afford it (especially at Chirstmas time). I am going to help by working and borrowing any thing I can, to get them here. She is torn between her job she is great at doing and her kids which she is a good mom. She's making the choice of her kids which is commendable but I know it will bring on some martyrdom. But she built resentment when she had to be the breadwinner for a couple years. Really just cant win for losing.

 

If anyone can decipher this, I could use some advice or a good shoulder. I am getting some small counseling by my pastor. He's down to earth guy and makes God very real to me since I want to cuss at God and doubt him too. Man this sucks...

[You Go Girl]

Look at it this way--when you've hit bottom there only one way to go--up.

 

I think the thing to do now is just simply take care of everybody's feelings. "First do no harm"--the doctor's mantra.

 

So if you do no wrong in the future--things can't get worse. Watch yourself. Zero temper reactions to anything. Everybody in your family is hurt and confused, including you. People are fragile, including you. So be gentle and kind. That type of thing will get you through it all.

 

Christmas is going to be tough. How about instead of expensive presents, you focus on doing things that bring your family together? Decorating the tree together, without drama or arguments. Baking cookies, whatever! Just doing things together without being destructive. Kindness. Charity. Gentleness. Compassion. Show it and expect it, especially in how the kids treat each other.

You can do this. Start now, today, being the rock of steadiness that will hold your family together. Lead by example.

[Crimson107]

Christmas is going to be tough. How about instead of expensive presents, you focus on doing things that bring your family together? Decorating the tree together, without drama or arguments. Baking cookies, whatever! Just doing things together without being destructive. Kindness. Charity. Gentleness. Compassion. Show it and expect it, especially in how the kids treat each other.

You can do this. Start now, today, being the rock of steadiness that will hold your family together. Lead by example.

 

Boy you are not kidding that Christmas is going to be rough. My youngest helped me the most yesterday (7). She wanted to write a sentence back and forth telling each other why we love each other. It was very heart warming. Somedays are better then others. I can't want to let things go with my wife but we just don't see eye to eye and argue more then anything. I want to do her right but I don't want to continue to be a door mat either

[Crimson107]

She is leaving her job that pays double what I make now. Money has always been a major sore spot for us. I apparently only think about it to deny her and she thinks that is always the last thing to worry about.