Facebook Friends with an Ex?

[Schism]

Rhett, I have been there. A lot of us have. Disconnected, sporadic protective fighting and generally "going through the motions". Thought that was how marriage just "was" until my personal wake up call came and I needed to find answers for myself. I learned it doesn't have to be that way at all.

 

If you can get the both of you into counseling that would be great. Some spouses have to acknowledge a problem exisits for them to consider it, which is why some refuse to go (may indicate failure to them). Last year I read a popular book called "The Five Love Languages" and it helped me to work on reconnecting with my spouse on a deeper level. I want to read "His Needs, Her Needs" next since they deal with the same topic of meeting each other's emotional needs (the real glue to a love relationship). He and I began to utilize some of the information and I can say it really does help. Even he acknowledges the development because he can "feel" it. We're still working on it daily, but it is a far cry form the last 19 years of "status quo".

[Windsurf66]

OP,

 

Your wife said its no big deal to remain in contact with her ex and brush off your concerns, but when she is asked stop contact with the ex over facebook, its such a big deal to her that she cried?

 

U know, there are many other ways to keep in contact besides facebook

[rhett89]

Other than the obvious other places -- email, text, LinkedIn, phone -- what do you think I should be thinking about?

[U2RockZz]

install a key logger or facebook spy or flexi spy pro there are many options available for you to know the actual truth....when you do not get a straight answer....i don't know what is that keeping you from knowing the truth

[rowell2024]

Have you thought that maybe it's really not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be? Maybe there are no words to express the WHY'S in this situation. It's only Facebook.

 

Ah...It's only facebook. That what I thought too....before all this happened to me.

 

Well, I, along with thousands of other wives and husbands whose marriages have been wrecked or seriously threatened by a spouse who friended an old flame on facebook, would have to disagree with that.

 

To the OP: She cried?

 

Well, that in itself speaks volumes about the situation. Why cry if it's only facebook? Perhaps there's more to it than meets the eye.

 

My wife and I had each other's facebook passwords. I mainly had hers because she always wanted for me to scan pictures and upload pictures to her albums, so I thought everything was hunky dory, nothing to be uncomfortable about. Little did I know that after she friended an old flame, she established a secret account under a fake name linked to another email address. It was only by a blind stroke of luck that I stumbled upon everything.

 

So keep in mind that it's extremely easy to set up a new email address and a secret facebook account.

[desertIslandCactus]

Is it possible that she may not know herself why this Facebook friendship is so important? Maybe it's simply a case of nostalgia-she may enjoy looking back on that time in her life (this doesn't mean she wants to repeat it, just that she has some fond memories of that time in her life)

 

she may have been crying because she felt backed into a corner and it frustrated her,maybe she feels that you don't trust her, I really don't know why she got upset...

 

But I wonder why this is such a concern to you...you say that you feel their friendship was completely platonic and that you trust her, which is good. Is your problem more that you don't feel that she respected your wishes than anything else?

 

Am I living in the stone age .. Ok maybe I am.

 

When I was married I only felt the need to communicate with other men on a business basis (shopping), or when the two of us were together with Mutual friends. Anything else would have felt awkward - or a third person in our marriage relationship.

[desertIslandCactus]

Am I living in the stone age .. Ok maybe I am.

 

When I was married I only felt the need to communicate with other men on a business basis (shopping), or when the two of us were together with Mutual friends. Anything else would have felt awkward - or a third person in our marriage relationship.

 

.. and to add, during that period of time I did work some. That again would have been business-associated relationship.

[Smoky Day]

I am particularly interested in hearing from any women here who might be able to shed light on any other reasons that my wife might be interested in maintaining a facebook friendship with an ex. I do not believe there is a physical relationship, and do not believe that she would ever cross that line, no matter what. But there is an emotional side of this that I clearly do not "get" that must be something women can decipher? Thoughts?

 

I haven't read this whole thread yet, but to answer this question alone: I have four exes as Facebook friends. My husband has five, I think. Neither of us has a physical or inappropriate emotional relationship with any of the friended exes, they're just people who meant something to us in the past, who helped shape who we are now, and we recognize them for that and still think highly of them.

 

I am interested in maintaining my, let's face it, pretty shallow FB friendships because I still care about my exes as people and have simple moments of curiosity about their lives. It's a convenient way to maintain some fairly minimal friendly contact, just like with old coworkers and school friends I still think of fondly. I get a harmless voyeurism fix, interesting little glimpses of who they have become/are becoming, and they get the same from me. A couple of them have NOT turned out the way I thought they would at all, it's cool to see. And it's kind of a record of my past, a link to my memories. I have been reminded of many things I had forgotten about myself and different stages of my life, through reconnecting with former friends and lovers on FB.

 

If my husband for whatever reason really wanted me to delete them, I guess I would, out of respect for his feelings--but I would probably resent the mistrust and what I would see as controlling behavior, because it is in my nature to rebel against authority.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

Funny i found this post. I found out by accident that my boyfriend has at least one ex on his facebook. Some virus got into it and sent spam to several people on his friend list, and so he said he had to contact them to apologize. Anyway, the ex was one of them.

 

Might i tell you that my boyfriend CONTINOUSLY questions me as to where I go. If I go out, he wants to know where. If my phone rings, he ALWAYS asks me who it is. If I dont answer my phone when he calls, he has a fit and thinks im out with someone else. He has even taken my phone and read my texts. However, if i EVER question him about anything, he accuses ME of being too jealous, yet i dont do half the stuff he does.

 

When i found out that his ex..possibly more than one..was on his facebook, i asked him why she was still on there. I was just bitter about the strangle hold he has on me. However, in a nutshell he told me that he will NOT delete his ex from his facebook, nor will he friend me once I sign up. I dont have a facebook account, but was planning on signing up.

 

So..his ex girlfriend..and God knows what other women.. can be on his facebook, but me, his current girlfriend, cant. Hows that for ya?

[BlueRidgeMTs]

 

 

I agree, sort of.... read on...

 

 

 

Can you forget her? An ex is someone you once loved, someone who shared your life for some time and I think it's impossible to have no feelings for her/him. That feeling may be love, regret or even homicidal rage but none the less, she/he was part of your life at one time and there will be feelings forever. If there's any reason to remain friends, it may be worthwhile to do so.

 

..

 

 

Are you kidding me?? Thats even MORE reason not to have contact with an ex if you are involved with someone else. Why would that be a good thing to keep contact with someone you once had feelings like that for??? What good could come of that? The person you are with NOW is supposed to be who you turn to. If you dont have kids together, there is no reason to maintain any type of contact other than a 'hey how are ya doing'.. maybe twice a year. ESPESCIALLY if your other half feels uncomfortable with the contact.

 

If people want to live their lives however they want without having to take other peoples feelings into considerastion, then they should stay SINGLE. PLEASE.

[BB07]

Funny i found this post. I found out by accident that my boyfriend has at least one ex on his facebook. Some virus got into it and sent spam to several people on his friend list, and so he said he had to contact them to apologize. Anyway, the ex was one of them.

 

Might i tell you that my boyfriend CONTINOUSLY questions me as to where I go. If I go out, he wants to know where. If my phone rings, he ALWAYS asks me who it is. If I dont answer my phone when he calls, he has a fit and thinks im out with someone else. He has even taken my phone and read my texts. However, if i EVER question him about anything, he accuses ME of being too jealous, yet i dont do half the stuff he does.

 

When i found out that his ex..possibly more than one..was on his facebook, i asked him why she was still on there. I was just bitter about the strangle hold he has on me. However, in a nutshell he told me that he will NOT delete his ex from his facebook, nor will he friend me once I sign up. I dont have a facebook account, but was planning on signing up.

 

So..his ex girlfriend..and God knows what other women.. can be on his facebook, but me, his current girlfriend, cant. Hows that for ya?

 

Why are you tolerating his disrespect for your feelings and why are you letting him get away with hiding things from you?

 

In my experience men who act the way that your b/f is, (the jealousy, the checking up on you) are often the ones who are doing the very thing they are accusing you of.

It's not a healthy relationship.

[Joe Normal]

To be clear, the foundation of the discussion between my W and myself is not whom she can be friends with, but specifically WHY she must remain friends with this person.

 

Has she never just given an answer? Like "because we got on well, and remain friends even though we decided to stop being involved romantically". I don't understand why she hasn't just said something easy like that - unless she feels more than that or has something to hide.

 

So IMO you are right to be suspicious, and she is dumb for not just saying it was a simple friendship.

[The_Middleman]

OK Rhett, I read through four pages of replies and no one has yet to tell you what you need to hear (at least not in the pages I read, so if anyone has already proposed this, sorry for repeating it). Now what I'm suggesting here is not for everyone, because everyone is different and everyone reacts differently. You need to decide if these tactics would work for you, but this is what I would do.

 

 

1. If she hasn't already done so, I'd ask her to delete the whole Facebook account.
   
2. I would ask her never to ever call him again, not to ever e-mail him again and not to see him again unless I was present.
   
3. I wouldn't feel bad if she cries again, if she loves me, she'll get over it. If she doesn't get over it, I have bigger problems than tears.
   
4. I would consider talking to this guy and letting him know that I was uncomfortable with what is going on, maybe he'll be the one to respect my feelings and he'll back off.
   
5. I wouldn't be afraid to check up on the situation with some mild snooping.
   
6. Then I would see a councilor, assuming she is willing to join me. In your case, I'm willing to bet she won't be willing.
   
7. Finally, and I don't say this lightly, if she insists on maintaining the relationship with this so-called ex, I'd consult an attorney. I would do this at least to understand what my rights are and what the law is.
   

Now I know this sounds harsh by today's standards but you are trying to protect your marriage, your family, protecting what is yours. I feel there are no rules when it comes to this, other than ones actions must be within the law. I don't have to go over all the reasons why she is not being honest with you and why your feelings are not off base, there are 6 pages of that. I personally could not sit there without taking some sort of action.

 

I'm married 25 + years with two grown children and I had a similar experience earlier this year when my wife's sister put her in contact with an ex (making a long story short). I don't know what the hell my sister in law was thinking when she did that. I noticed e-mails from/to this guy when my wife asked me to make a change to her MS Outlook. Even though the e-mails were beguine, I got his name and address (the SOB lives in our town). I deleted all the e-mails, deleted his e-mail address and blocked his e-mail address at the ISP. The one mistake that I made was that I didn't tell my wife until until a few days later when she asked me about "things" missing from her e-mail. When I asked her what "things", she was evasive. So I admitted to her what I did and if she wanted to contact him via e-mail I would have to be visibly copied on all e-mails going in and out. At first she was pissed and called her sister to get his information again, but I called my sister in law and let her know that I was not comfortable with her being a "go between" and that she would be interfering in our marriage. To the best of my knowledge, my sister-in-law respected my wishes. After about two weeks of talking it out AND being angry with each other, my wife agreed not to contact him without my involvement. Ultimately, she did not contact him at all after that and as far as I know she has kept our agreement; unless she went totally off-grid about it and I can't tell.

 

Now I'm fully expecting flames on this post, but just like Rhett, I could not live with my wife maintaining a relationship with an ex. All I did was I chose to draw a line and see where I stood. It could have totally backfired on me.

[Melmel]

She's using the brother as an excuse... Makes no sense she would not say that earlier. Now she has that to use against you, now you'll notice that reason being brought up all the time and make you seem horrible. I would forget the reason and just say hey, I'm the guy in your life, there's no reason to be buddy buddy with this other guy, ex or not. It makes you uncomfortable and you should be listened to, you should be her number one.

[Bryanp]

I am just curious but if the roles were reversed do you think your wife woulbe so accepting? I doubt it. Is the ex married? If yes maybe you should have a chat with his wife and see how she feels.