Emotionally tired trying to save marriage. Husband insists on keeping lady "friend"

[Wolvesbaned]

I'm emotionally tired. I've been home since 2/11 after being away for 2 weeks. Prior to me leaving, we had only been apart from each other for one day. I was literally driving myself insane and for about 2 days straight all I could do was cry. I needed and asked for help, but he didn't know what to do except talk to me. My husband asked me to leave because he thought it was the only way to "save our relationship" --that night things got drastic and he thought I just don't know how to handle my emotions. I was planning on leaving for my Mom's a day before I actually packed and left, but for my sanity. I've been seeing a therapist since then and she thinks I was experiencing an episode of deep depression.

 

After 4 years of marriage a changed had occured that I've since then agree on: My husband's friendship with girl. He claims it is and was always strickly platonic and he doesn't see her in any other way except as a friend.

 

Two days after I left, I came over to support him as he was getting results for a school he was trying to get into (previously planned). I didn't stay that long and even felt a bit rushed. When I was still at my Mom's I asked him if he had called her that night and he told me the truth. This angered and hurt me because I wasn't "cool" with the friendship then. I remeber saying to him, "I thought it was only about school..." his reply was "it is"

 

The other night as I was looking for pictures I ran across the cel phone bills. I opened it and checked. He had spoken to her for 50 mintues that night. The conversation ended past midnight. We had been trying since I got back and I've been trying to give him trust since then but this really disappointed me. He said he wanted to work things out back then, I thought they only talked about "school related" stuff. Talking for after hours for 50 minutes, no matter how much he blabbered couldn't strickly be "school related".

 

I woke him and asked him about it. I was not emotional whatsoever. Instead of providing a real explanation he was instead "hurt" and "disgusted" that I checked the bill. Since this morning he says he "still needs time to get over what just happened". This happened on Friday night/Saturday early morning.

 

This (Sunday) morning after he left for work, I mentioned my concern about how I did not agree upon the friendhsip then, his reply was something like "I was only against them talking about "our" personal issues back then". Holy crap!

 

I'm trying so hard to learn "trust" but instead of being a man and talking it all out with me I get this. It is just so discouraging. I'm emotionally spent.

[Benedict]

Yeah, I've been there. It hurts. I know I don't have much to add, but stand your ground.

 

Good luck.

[IHaTeMe]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=blue][/color]

 

Oh god, where do I start...

 

I think you need to find out more 'bout this girl & make sure that she is just a friend because as far as am concern when you get MARRIED it's not a "MY FRIEND" type of thing anymore its more like a "OUR FRIEND".

That is your HUSBAND, you should know how far he would go & you been married for 4yrs, I think you should know by now if he is a flirt or whatever.

Instead of going different ways why don't you both talk with someone, You know that is your husband & with the good there is bad times.

 

Another thing that bother me was that he was talking to this girl for 50mins that is a big no! no!, Are you sure they both are not in2 each other you need to find out more 'bout him something is up with that, If I was you I would call that girl & I would go as far as to be her friend.

 

anyways goodluck !! I know being married is very hard but it takes FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, TRUST & time.

 

that is the only way it will work out

 

goodluck

 

 

PS

let me know whats been going on

[Wolvesbaned]

Thanks Benedict and IHaTeMe for your kind response and insight. After reading my post, I realize I was unclear about my "current" frustration. Believe it or not, I've actually accepted the friendship. The fact that I didn't accept it at the time of his "call" is what's bothering me. Him calling her when I was gone, when I was visually going through so much confusion and pain is just plain callous.

 

I've met the girl and she seems decent enough, though young. Most importantly he says he can "call it quits" if anything inappropriate occurs, which includes feelings or even flirty gestures. I believe him. Though I can wholly argue that the 50-minute conversation contradicts this (even though I remember him rambling on and on that night about school & not getting accepted, the wine I brought over may have had something to do with it too). Regardless, it was done and I was hurt.

 

As for the state of the relationship, I am learning to bend and try out the friendship thing myself. I was able to keep male friends while in previous relationships (granted I was never married then), but he thinks there's nothing wrong with it, than why not? He wants the same treatment as he would give me, then we'll see. He's been encouraging me to keep-in-touch with old male friends, so I finally took a step. There's noway I can honestly say I'm trying this out if I'm not doing it myself, right? If this does open a can of worms, then we'll just have to see --I'm tired of predicting.

 

The past few days have been good. I think we've progressed (or I have) to the point where I feel we are secure again (to a certain extent). Even now that we're dealing with this, there has not been hostility, but rather friendly talk that's not forced. This new found ease is probably due to many factors but I think his acceptance into a school (which released some stress) has something to do with it.

 

I learned a few things while I was coping and away: I was not living a healthy lifestyle. I secluded myself from the world, didn't keep in touch with friends or family. I let my world revolve around him, literally. Since then I've found "parts" of my life again. I've reunited with old friends and reconciled with my Mom. I've been keeping busy by taking long walks, taking time to feed the ducks along the way and just plain "getting out of the house". It has really helped. I'm making it a priority to keep it up.

 

After all I've been through (50-minute conversation included) I think for once I am no longer petrified about loosing him. Either the knee-jerk reaction has worn off or for whatever reason or another I'm finally acknowleding that if he does cheat on me, I wouldn't want him anyway. For now I'm trying to "trust" like I've never done before, in fact, trust is something I'm learning. So we'll see

 

BTW, the topic was changed, it was supposed to read only "Tired" - I think someone was nice enough to change it so that it would get more responses.

[tac719]

Congrats! I think your whole perspective on life will change once you learn to trust and that you cannot control everything. If someones gonna cheat there gonna do it anyway. All they have done is determined for you that they are the wrong person to be with.

[SoleMate]

Hmmmmm.....I'm all for married people having friendships. In my mind, those friends would not all be attractive, available, young (!) members of the opposite sex. And those friendships, if they were truly platonic, would occasionally include the spouse in conversation or visits. As in, the friend of my spouse is also my friend. And there would be boundaries about times, places, and how often they meet or talk.

 

Platonic friends are comfortable around the spouse. Non-platonic ones often aren't.

 

Platonic friendships would not require secrecy or lies. Non-platonic ones pretty much always do.

 

If this girl is his only close friend and confidant, then your husband's relationship with her is a threat to the marriage.

[Wolvesbaned]

SoleMate, I'm passing the torch to him, I'll let him defend our marriage. I'll continue my role as a friend and lifelong partner and he promises to keep his priorities in order, meaning "we" are first before anything. Aside from his views on friendship, he is actually pretty conservative, claiming he's aware of boundaries. Frankly, I'm tired of second guessing him and I've done that a lot, even when there was no one else in the picture. But this is his first real (gal) friendship so I'll have to see.

 

As for only having friends that are unattractive, I've never been biased based purely on looks. My husband and I are young ourselves (in our mid twenties), and my comment on his friend being young is that she seems 'younger' than her 23 years -but I wouldn't really know (maybe it was her mannerisms) so it really doesn't say much, I suppose.

 

I am threading into unsteady ground because although I've literally brought up random scenarios of what's "proper" or "improper", we've never done this before and nothing is really concrete except for not tolerating anything inappropriate.

 

I definately have more to say, especially after reading tac719's posts, but I'll save that for after I'm done with my paper (that's due tonight)

 

Thanks for the feedback!

[purpleturtle]

I would confront the girl and find out what she is like.Maybe he is telling her one thing and you another,meaning that there could be more between them than friendship.

I also find it odd that he would talk with her during those hours and for that long.Do some investigating.