Mom driving me nuts

[Sweet79]

I'm in my early 30's now, and I live with my boyfriend and my 10 year old son. I've never been particularly close to my mom. She always accused me of loving my dad more and of being ungrateful. She's a heavy drinker; has been for as long as I can remember. It has gotten worse since my dad passed away over 7 years ago. She has gotten very depressed and although she finally recognizes that she has a drinking problem, she seems to thrive on drama and isn't really trying to help herself.

 

I've come to dread her phone calls. She can call several times a week and always, always has to go on about how depressed she is for half an hour to 45 minutes. I may be mean for saying so but I can't stand it, it's been going on for years. I don't want to be her crutch, and I hate listening to all that negativity. She told me that if she never called me then I would never call her and it is probably true. I told her that she needs to get a hobby, to do some volunteer work, to get out of the house but she doesn't want to hear it. She wants me to call her every three days so she can complain to me about how miserable her life is. I cannot and I will not do that. I can't save her, I have one child to take care of and he's my no.1 priority. If I don't answer her phone calls for a few days, when she does get me on the line then it's all about how I have no heart, no soul, and when I ask her if she's drunk she says "no" and calls me stupid for asking her. She's threatened to kill herself. I finally told her tonight that I had enough and I hung up on her.

 

Am I in the wrong here? I feel horrible for hanging up on her, but in another way she is causing me so much stress I don't know what else to do.

 

Anyway... thanks for reading, any advice is welcome.

xoxoxox

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You are probably in the right, and the toughest part is making yourself confident of that so that you can perhaps then succeed at bringing your relationship/tolerance of your mother to a level with which YOU can be comfortable.

 

I fully understand that you feel some natural loyalty to her, as her daughter, BUT in not treating herSELF very well, she is in turn not treating you well either. Maybe you have enough leverage to mandate that she do some of those things you've suggested or not to bother contacting you again anytime soon.

 

There is indeed some "tough love" in that, but something needs to motivate her to get help for her drinking problem.

[Sweet79]

Thanks, SincereGuy, I appreciate your response.

 

It's been hard for me to dig up the courage to tell her I am sick of the drama tonight. But this is after weeks of her calling every second or third day demanding my immediate attention every time. Telling her I am busy doesn't work, she just is not listening. Sometimes if I don't answer she can let the phone ring 25 times, and she'll then hang up and try again. It makes me want to scream.

 

I feel she's using emotional blackmail at this point and I hate that so much. I agree that what she needs is some tough love. If I have to hang up on her every time she tries to start some drama, I will. Unless she has something positive to say, unless she's doing something to help herself, I don't want to hear it. When I suggest solutions for her she cuts me off and tries to put the blame on me instead. You see, it's not because she never leaves the house that she's depressed; it's not because she drinks; it's because I never call!

 

She did try rehab for a week and a half (she cut it short)... she came back home, bought some beer and then proceeded to call me many times a week to complain about what a torture it was. It's almost like she only went so she'd have one more reason to draw attention to herself. It's very, very frustrating...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It does certainly seem that you're in it for the long haul, my dear!

 

 

Create a plan for yourself and then stick to whatever plan you come up with.

 

 

Be firm and clear with her!

[scatterd]

Hi I am sorry about your mother it sounds like she needs to go back to rehab and then get IC.She will not suceed in her drinking if she does it for emotional reasons so she needs both.Tell her that you can see she is in pain but if she does not get help she will continue to feel bad.Tell her you love her but you cant continue to watch or hear her do this to herself that

she would be so much happier sobber.good luck

[sb129]

I can totally appreciate where you are coming from - my mother has had a few episodes like this since my dad died. She is much better now, but my aunt now does the same thing to my mother- rings her every second night to rant and rave about another aunt.

 

Is it possible for you to check in with your mother during the day? I found that talking to my mother before she had a chance to have a drink helped alot, and then I could always cut the conversation short with having to cook dinner or whatever. The conversations were always much easier during the day.

[sb129]

Interestingly- my mother gets frustrated at my aunts calls, but continues to put up with them...

 

One of the turning points with my mother and I is that someone told her "Your kids don't really want to hear about your problems- they want to tell you about theirs, thats how a parent-child relationship works".

 

She began to see how much I was shouldering. We talked about it, and things have improved alot. Maybe you should write your mother a letter?

 

She sounds like a very unhappy person- but her happiness isn't your responsibility, its hers. She hasn't realised that yet.