5 days after a phenomenal date and no contact?!!

[cestmoi]

I am a little embarrassed to be here, but I am over-analyzing a dating situation to death. I could use some feedback. . .

 

I had a first date last week that went absolutely swimmingly! Beyond the chemistry, we share tons of interests, have similar professional backgrounds, and our personalities instantly meshed. The whole night was so effortless that it was slightly unnerving! (In a very good way.)

 

So it was a good date, but I did make a couple of mistakes. For one, I let the night go on too long. He is incredibly polite and left it up to me to end the night. I was caught up in the conversation and didn't realize this for quite awhile. The other stupid thing I did - while high on that "zsa zsa zsu" (to quote SJP) - was text him afterwards to say thanks. Not a big deal, but he didn't get back to me.

 

There was crazy chemistry that I know went both ways, but I haven't heard from him after five days! We are both adults and have very demanding careers, but I'm not sure what to do. (Example of his chaos: he just moved here, is beginning a business, and was in DC last weekend.) Normally - if I hadn't made these minor mistakes - I would send a breezy email to say hello. But now, I fear coming across as needy.

 

It is a tough balance: I want to continue seeing him but do not want to scare him off. I am thinking of giving him another couple days to get in touch and then sending a very brief email. Does this sound about right? Or should I totally leave it up to him to get in touch? (My fear is, with his new business, this may fall to the bottom of his to-do list.)

 

I know the chemistry was mutual - I guess this is making me impatient. Any ideas?

[sugarmomma]

I don't understand why you're still interested in this guy and he hasn't even had the courtesy to return your text or see how you are.

 

I would let him get in contact. Please see this as a red flag that his interest level is very low.

[cestmoi]

I don't understand why you're still interested in this guy and he hasn't even had the courtesy to return your text or see how you are.

 

I would let him get in contact. Please see this as a red flag that his interest level is very low.

 

Thanks for the thought. I know this is standard advice when it comes to lack of communication, but this seems like an exceptional situation. He just moved here, is beginning his own business, has to travel for clients, and is a slight workaholic. In other words, his priority is his professional life right now.

 

When we left, he promised that - despite the schedule - he would make time for me. My concern is staying on his radar without being needy. Honestly, I don't think there is a solution!

[reservoirdog1]

If I'd been on a date that I thought had crazy chemistry, and five days went by with no communication -- especially in response to a follow-up text from me -- I'd draw the inevitable conclusion: they're not interested.

 

Sorry to say, but it's true. If a guy goes on a first date with a girl and digs her, he'll typically play it cool for a bit, so as not to appear too eager. But where SHE contacts HIM first after the date, problem solved -- he doesn't have to worry about appearing too eager. It's the perfect opening for him to continue the interaction.

 

Worked for me and my GF... first date, I was pretty sure it went great but wasn't TOTALLY sure. Was overanalyzing this the next morning, when I suddenly got a text from her telling me she had a fantastic time. I took a few victory laps around the kitchen, and then texted back. That was almost five months ago, and we've been together ever since.

 

But here, you've given him that opening and he hasn't taken it. NEXT.

[befreckled]

When we left, he promised that - despite the schedule - he would make time for me.

Um. You said it. He hasn't even made a time to reply in 5 days. He has had five whole days.

 

Look, it takes less than 30 seconds to send over a reply or to check in. Even if he is insanely busy, it could have been a "hello" while grabbing a bite to eat or a sip to drink. You can't get him out of your mind and for you the chemistry was almost electric. If that were indeed the case as well for him, he would have you on his mind too even if it was for a nano second before bedtime. I'd love for you to be the exception but it's much kinder assuming the rule is in place.

 

There are 24hours in a day, and it takes 30 seconds to reply. That's all I'm saying.

[Tim The Enchanter]

 

So it was a good date, but I did make a couple of mistakes. For one, I let the night go on too long. He is incredibly polite and left it up to me to end the night. I was caught up in the conversation and didn't realize this for quite awhile. The other stupid thing I did - while high on that "zsa zsa zsu" (to quote SJP) - was text him afterwards to say thanks. Not a big deal, but he didn't get back to me.

 

 

Urgh. Those are NOT mistakes. If you're having a good time, you're having a good time. Let's say he genuinely was interested: do you think it would have made the slightest difference that your date went on for a long time, or that you texted him afterwards? Of course it wouldn't have.

 

The most likely reason for him not contacting you is that he's not interested. Another likely possibility is that, like you, he's been reading books or websites that provide dating "advice" that tells you to be aloof when dating. For example, Doc Love on AskMen.com tells guys to wait five to eight days to call after a date. Perhaps this guy is playing by that game?

 

Anyway, it's all very silly.

[cestmoi]

Urgh. Those are NOT mistakes. If you're having a good time, you're having a good time. Let's say he genuinely was interested: do you think it would have made the slightest difference that your date went on for a long time, or that you texted him afterwards? Of course it wouldn't have.

 

The most likely reason for him not contacting you is that he's not interested. Another likely possibility is that, like you, he's been reading books or websites that provide dating "advice" that tells you to be aloof when dating. For example, Doc Love on AskMen.com tells guys to wait five to eight days to call after a date. Perhaps this guy is playing by that game?

 

Anyway, it's all very silly.

 

Thank you to everyone for all of your advice!!!

 

I know, the whole situation is very grim when it is spelled out like this. I think I came to the same conclusion as everyone else after I reread what I had written.

 

I think I am going to send him an extremely brief email and make it clear that the ball is in his court. He is just coming out of a long term relationship. . . maybe that is to blame?? But after the email, that will be enough giving him the benefit of the doubt, and time to move on!

 

Seriously, thanks very much for all of the advice. As much as I hate hearing it, it is better than living in a fantasy world!

[reservoirdog1]

For what it's worth, I wouldn't send him an email. Firstly, he knows the ball's in his court and has chosen not to respond. Secondly, if he doesn't respond to it, you'll feel even worse. Why go there? Salvage your self-esteem and let it go. Next!

[ReturnToSender]

Im with reservoirdog on this.. Youve already texted him with no response, an email with no response would just make it worse on you. We all make time for the things we want..if he was as thrilled about the date as you are, he would not let it fall to the bottom of his priorities and forget you....so dont worry that its the case or having to remind him youre waiting to hear from him.

 

There could be any number of reasons he hasnt gotten back to you, may have nothing to do with you personally at all. Hes completely well aware of it that he didnt reply to your last message so its not fair to yourself to nudge him with an email reminding him of that. Just ride it out, wait and see... Keep in mind that if this is his idea of making time for you, is this the sort of relationship youd really be happy with?

[kiss_andmakeup]

Please don't send him an e-mail. The ball is already in his court, and not only does he know it, he is either taking the utmost advantage of it, or he doesn't care.

 

I am leaning towards the latter. Even if he were just doing the typical "don't-be-too-responsivle-or-interested" thing, 5 days without even a response to your text is way over the top. And I simply don't buy that he's too "busy," as another poster said sending a text takes 30 seconds, no one is EVER too busy for that, especially someone who is romantically interested.

 

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the only thing you can do if you really want to stay on his radar is to NOT contact him again. You already sent the text...that went un-answered...so you need to go on with your life. Date other people. If he comes back around, then great (personally I'm not sure whether I'd even be interested if he NC'd me for 5 days). If not, no skin off your nose.

 

Just to reiterate: please, please don't send him an e-mail. You'll only appear desperate.

[cestmoi]

Very good points. I will not email him.

 

My fear is that the text may have been lost. This used to happen to me with an ex-boyfriend every so often. (I would get texts 3 weeks after they had been originally sent!) But, this is very unlikely, and I'll put it out of my mind.

 

It is time to move on and refocus my energy elsewhere. If this is how things are going to be with him, I am glad we saw each other only the one time!

 

Thank you to everyone for the advice. I'll be sure to update you if something positive comes out of this mess.

[carhill]

Presuming he has your contact information, he knows how to contact you.

 

Also, from what I've read on LS, dating in NYC is a nightmare, so batten down the hatches and secure the mast. It's rough seas ahead. Lots of distractions in a fast-moving, aggressive and transitory social culture. Good luck

[cestmoi]

Presuming he has your contact information, he knows how to contact you.

 

Also, from what I've read on LS, dating in NYC is a nightmare, so batten down the hatches and secure the mast. It's rough seas ahead. Lots of distractions in a fast-moving, aggressive and transitory social culture. Good luck

 

Yeah, dating in NY is rough. Finding a genuine connection and chemistry is incredibly rare despite the quantity of people out there.

 

But, time to forget about this one . . . onwards and upwards!!

[Desejo47]

LOL- this sounds very similar to what just happened to me! WHAT THE FUDGE!!!(see my post) We had an amazing first date...and I texted AND emailed a Thank You for a great time thing. No response. Then the next night I called and left a message! Then emailed AGAIN! I thought he was in an accident or something- because prior the date, he ALWAYS either contacted me first or responded back right away. I was kind of freaking- what did I do wrong! I confided in a guy friend and he said I need to totally back off- that I am going to come across as clingy or needy- and I am NOT that! Its just that this is the first guy in a string of about 10 that I actually like and have chemistry with! Guess I was over excited. So I did back off...totally. Low and behold, got a call. Not a long one, but one that asked me out to dinner for next weekend. I accepted (ofcoarse!) and then he said he would call me at the end of the week to sure things up. The END OF THE WEEK???? I want to talk to him every day! ugh!!! So, ok...I have silently waited and gone on with my life. Guess what. A little hello email from him Monday. And then on Tuesday. And then again today and todays email said he would call me tonight. I always respond to the emails, but nothing to intense...just a little flirty but very casually. I feel like I am playing a stupid game, that at age 47 all this stupid stuff should not be happening...but, I guess thats how it is. I am learning something new with each date I go on....who knows, maybe in a year or so i will know what the heck I am doing!! LOL

[alexlakeman]

I've done what he's done, had a great first date, made out, night went on till late...all the time knowing I would not call her for a 2nd date; but I was there , had company so made the best of it. In my case I debated on here whether to text her the next day that I didn't want to take it further, finally texted her & she texted me a slightly nasty/sarcastic response; so maybe that's what he's trying to avoid. That could be his reasoning for not calling.

 

OR

 

He could be swamped, that of calling or texting, but since too many days have passed, he figured " F it, not calling unless she does". What I've personally done in a case like yours that I am the one that is doing the pursueing, just send him an email this Friday "thought I'd say hi and hope you have a good wknd". Now if he doesn't respond toi that second email / text you have your answer.

 

Some people just don't call or text . I went out with a woman 2 weeks ago and thought the same thing "we had a fantastic time, closed down one bar, went to the next and closed that one down. The next day I waited to c who would text first and I gave in & texted her, but she's not too much into me since she hasn't made an effort to respond to my text msg yesterday, so F it. He might be in the same spot she's at, doesn't care either way

 

Gd luck

[curlygirl40]

Hmmmm

 

I'm a little conflicted on my reply. My gut is saying 'forget about him!', loud and clear. He's obviously not interested.

 

But this is something that I wonder. He's a busy guy. What if 5 or 6 days goes by w/o him being in contact, then he wants to contact her but he's afraid that she will be annoyed with him for not contacting her earlier in the week, then he's also thinking 'and hmmm, she hasn't contacted me either, maybe she's not interested', so then he just says 'f it'.

 

What would be the harm on Friday of her sending a quick e-mail or text and just say 'hey there, how is your week going?' or 'have a great weekend'?

 

Then she has initiated contact AND he knows she's not bitter or angry with him. She's not being needy since by that point it's like 7 days (if I'm counting correctly) since she's initiated any contact at all.

 

How is that needy when a girl goes a week w/o contacting someone, and when she does it's just to say 'hi'?

 

She's not saying "Are you mad at me? Why didn't you contact me? Do you not like me? Is it something I did? Are you not interested in me?"

 

All of those things that make the receiver of that message say 'UG!!'.

 

I'm 40 and recently divorced, haven't been in the dating world for 20 years and trying to navigage myself, so I'm just wondering what your responses will be.

 

I tend to agree that the OP should move on, but yet at the same time I wonder how much harm there really is in sending a 'hi' text or e-mail a week later.

 

I guess the harm is he doesn't respond and she feels worse. But the upside is if he is sitting there afraid to contact her once he realizes how long it's been then he might return volley.

 

As a side note I had a great friend say to me 'what you need to do is put the ball in the air - or several balls in the air - then go find something else to do while you wait for it to come down. If you put a ball in the air and then stand there with your hands open waiting for it to fall back down, you'll drive yourself crazy'.

 

Wanted to share that little gem because it gets me through being nutty. Sometimes.

[curlygirl40]

Oh, and IMO if you do call, e-mail or text DO NOT, under any circumstances, say anything like 'the ball is in your court, why didn't you contact me', etc., etc. Just make it light and breezy.

[Twos Company]

I can totally understand your confusion at the way this has so far panned out,Im in a similiar situation as I went on a first date last weekend which went really well and ended with him kissing me, he texted me first that eve and it was apparent that he liked me from what he said. Texted back and forth all eve and ended the eve with a goodnight text but now its 3 days later and havnt heard a thing. I want him to get in touch...just feels better that way somehow as Ive learnt that men who are interested LIKE AND ENJOY being the pursuer...its the natural way of things.

I have a thread about another situation with a guy who Ive known for 18 mths but have yet to meet in real life due to his fading in and fading out.

 

I would say you've done enough now to show your interest, and as other posters have said, a non reply to an email after an unanswered text would be bad for your self esteem, why give yourself that kind of beating?

He knows where you are...let him come to you, hard n all as it is to sit it out.

[bac]

I have no idea why but similar situations happen to me very often.

If a guy was really good at either planning an amazing date or performing during sex, he woud lose a lot of interest, if he felt that he was great.

Those guys put a lot of effort in what they do and they see it as the end goal for some unknown psychological reason.

 

I can understand it about sex.Guys want to prove their manhood to themselves. Therefore, if he sees that a girl is totally happy, there is nothing to prove for him anymore.

 

It is harder to figure out about the amazing dates which are carefully planned, expensive and also guy's behavior is very attentive, involved and sweet. First, those guys want to make a girl like and want them. Then, when they are sure that a girl wants them badly, they get emotional satisfaction by rejecting her for no reason.

Possibly, they have a strong fear of rejection themselves, so, on the one hand, the fear makes them be so great to prevent their own rejection, and, on the other hand, they feel pleasant emotional relief rejecting girls because the other possible alternative is to be rejected themselves.

[cestmoi]

Thank you to everyone for all of the responses! There is so much to think about here. . . I wholeheartedly agree that, given that he was traveling last weekend, he could have lost track of time, and not been in touch.

 

The one thing that continues to bother me was the look on his face when he said that he would "make time" for me. He looked incredibly vulnerable and embarrassed for just a second. If that hadn't happened, I could let the whole thing go.

 

Anyway, despite the kind advice of people earlier in the day, I am going to mull over sending a quick, breezy email on Friday or Saturday. What "AlexLakeMan" wrote really resonates. I would like to avoid this situation!

 

I think I would be pulling my hair out without all of this advice today. Thanks everyone!!

[Kamille]

I never realized thank you texts warranted a response. As such, I don't understand why people say he's rude for not responding to the text.

[daphne]

c'est,

 

I personally think it's a really bad idea to contact him again. The ball is in his court. Unless you like pursuing a guy that is lukewarm about you.

[cestmoi]

I've done what he's done, had a great first date, made out, night went on till late...all the time knowing I would not call her for a 2nd date; but I was there , had company so made the best of it. In my case I debated on here whether to text her the next day that I didn't want to take it further, finally texted her & she texted me a slightly nasty/sarcastic response; so maybe that's what he's trying to avoid. That could be his reasoning for not calling.

 

OR

 

He could be swamped, that of calling or texting, but since too many days have passed, he figured " F it, not calling unless she does". What I've personally done in a case like yours that I am the one that is doing the pursueing, just send him an email this Friday "thought I'd say hi and hope you have a good wknd". Now if he doesn't respond toi that second email / text you have your answer.

 

Some people just don't call or text . I went out with a woman 2 weeks ago and thought the same thing "we had a fantastic time, closed down one bar, went to the next and closed that one down. The next day I waited to c who would text first and I gave in & texted her, but she's not too much into me since she hasn't made an effort to respond to my text msg yesterday, so F it. He might be in the same spot she's at, doesn't care either way

 

Gd luck

 

Thank you for suggesting this - I think you may be on to something here. We kept the night tame and didn't make out or anything. In retrospect, thank goodness. . . that would make everything much more confusing.

 

I like the suggestion of just saying hello in a couple of days. At least then I will know for sure one way or another. Thanks again for your perspective.

[GivenUp0083]

I doesn't matter what you THINK you had for chemistry, the fact is he hasn't called. Stop worrying about it, go out with someone else. People like him aren't worth your time and worry. This sorta thing happens to me all....the....time.

 

Example: Met a good friend of my roommates out at a bar. She seemed nice and really flirty with me. Niether of us were drunk, just out with friends. She talks about how she's heard of me but we've never met, yada yada. I whip out my phone, thought about asking her for her number but changed my mind. She asks if me if it's an iphone, she has one too (yay!) and she's all like hey what's your number. So I give it to her, and she calls my phone right away so that I "have it". I had to help my roommate get a cab because he was too drunk, texted her that I left to take him home since he was so drunk and that it was nice meeting her. She says "nice meeting you too, hope we hang out again soon!".

 

Did any of that mean anything? **** no. She never called me back when I called a few days later to see if she wanted to hang out. So don't read into things, they mean nothing, if he likes you, you will spend time together, otherwise it's not worth thinking about.

[befreckled]

I doesn't matter what you THINK you had for chemistry, the fact is he hasn't called. Stop worrying about it, go out with someone else. People like him aren't worth your time and worry. This sorta thing happens to me all....the....time.

 

Agreed. The silence should be a good enough response. The fact is men and women communicate differently. With men, it's easy, I like you, I want to see you again. I'll make sure you don't forget that. With women, it's oh I had a great time, oh now I'll wait 3 days before I look desperate, oh let me just text. Pah!

 

I say cut your losses and just don't dwell on it. It's one date.