MM contacts me

[maravilla]

I went NC a week ago and hadn't heard from MM since. Tonight he sent me texts saying he doesn't know the 'Rules of Disengagement' but he had to let me know he was hanging w/ his brother whose g/f is 18 yrs younger than his brother - MM and I have a big age difference- and has the same color eyes and hair as me and she's cool.

 

I wrote back and said please don't text me b/c it's too hard.

 

He then said it's hard on him too and it physically hurts. I said please respect my wishes and either make the hard choices and do what it takes for us to be together for real or leave me alone so I can move on. I said I love him and I'm sorry he's hurting but I cannot be his other woman or his secret anymore and I need him to understand that and respect my wishes.

 

He then said he loves me and will respect my wishes.

 

Wtf. Why did he text me. I think he has a messed up definition of love. I'd been missing him so much and now it just feels ten times worse. I knew he wasn't really going to get divorced. I'm really sad. I will prolly get roasted here for texting him back but honestly I feel I spoke from my heart and repeated what I told him when I went NC and I am not going to change my mind. If he doesn't want me the right way then he is not the guy he claimed to be and I don't want him! It hurts and I'm sad but I am really sure that I'm done being his OW.

[siuys]

Sorry you're hurting, maravilla. I totally understand how you feel, and how you probably felt compelled to text him back. Believe me I have made that mistake more times than I care to remember. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself. It's not worth it. Actions speak louder than words, so he's confirmed for you again he's just into talk. He's not walking the walk, forget him.

 

It hurts now so it's hard to let go but you must simply do so. It's as painful to break up as being with him, but at least there is an end to the pain when you break up.

 

Take care.

[MorningCoffee]

It's ok, it's a slip. We all (nearly all) have done it or may do it. Best just to let it go, and go on. To a brighter tomorrow.

[maravilla]

Thanks for responding, siuys. You know what the stupid thing is? I really feel like sending him a follow-up text asking if this means he's staying married. Ummm hello, me. This clearly means that!! So why would I want to rub it in to myself? What is wrong with me? I'm seriously messed up! Why do I feel like asking him this? I guess I just want final confirmation so I can move on. I doubt he'd even tell me the truth though. He'd just feed me some line.

[carhill]

Change your phone number. Poof. Gone.

 

You're in charge of you.

[siuys]

Don't do it, maravilla. I know EXACTLY how you feel because only earlier today I wanted to text xMM and tell him it's over over. Then i realised i would be opening the channel of communication again. If you send him a text, or contact him, you WILL expect a response. And like you said, why invite more pain? I know how you feel. You must move on. His actions have ALREADY told you. You KNOW the answer. Don't give him the satisfaction to hurt you again! Look inward and ask yourself why you're doing this to yourself. Is it love? or is it clingyness and addictive behaviour? Please don't do it. Forget him. He's not worth it. I love you doesn't mean anything sometimes.

[maravilla]

My friend is getting me an app so I can block him on my phone. I feel like telling him I'm going to block him but he knows how to find me if he's serious about being with me for real. What good would that do though? I don't even know why I feel compelled to tell him this stupid stuff. I guess just to keep in contact with him. One second I feel like telling him to please hurry up and get divorced b/c I miss him and the next second I hate him and I feel like telling his wife everything we did. I am having the craziest thoughts. So I'm just posting here so I don't act on them!

[maravilla]

Don't do it, maravilla. I know EXACTLY how you feel because only earlier today I wanted to text xMM and tell him it's over over. Then i realised i would be opening the channel of communication again. If you send him a text, or contact him, you WILL expect a response. And like you said, why invite more pain? I know how you feel. You must move on. His actions have ALREADY told you. You KNOW the answer. Don't give him the satisfaction to hurt you again! Look inward and ask yourself why you're doing this to yourself. Is it love? or is it clingyness and addictive behaviour? Please don't do it. Forget him. He's not worth it. I love you doesn't mean anything sometimes.

 

Thanks again, siuys. I didn't write him anything back. I know they were stupid thoughts. I know love isn't enough if he can't give me what I need.

 

Thanks!!!!

[East7]

My friend is getting me an app so I can block him on my phone. I feel like telling him I'm going to block him but he knows how to find me if he's serious about being with me for real. What good would that do though? I don't even know why I feel compelled to tell him this stupid stuff. I guess just to keep in contact with him.

 

Does he have your e-mail ? If yes, block the him on phone. It would be hard to deal with an unexpected call, your will have that weird feeling in the stomach and may say things that you'd regret. If he texts he will have "undelivered text" so he will understand.

Better let him e-mail you, so you will have time and choice to answer or not, and what to write as answer.

 

One second I feel like telling him to please hurry up and get divorced b/c I miss him and the next second I hate him and I feel like telling his wife everything we did. I am having the craziest thoughts. So I'm just posting here so I don't act on them!

It is typical of NC. We have all been there. Love and Hate mixed. Just keep NC and DON'T tell him anything.

[myname]

My friend is getting me an app so I can block him on my phone. I feel like telling him I'm going to block him but he knows how to find me if he's serious about being with me for real. What good would that do though? I don't even know why I feel compelled to tell him this stupid stuff. I guess just to keep in contact with him. One second I feel like telling him to please hurry up and get divorced b/c I miss him and the next second I hate him and I feel like telling his wife everything we did. I am having the craziest thoughts. So I'm just posting here so I don't act on them!

 

Gosh, I'm feeling so similar. One minute hating him, the next worrying about how he is. And it's only been like 12 hours since I said don't contact me. So I'm still on a mini emotional rollercoaster of my own making, but it's just all in my head.

[maravilla]

Lisa,

 

I think that was his way of telling me he is not getting divorced or at least not anytime soon.

 

?

 

Because if he were then he would have told me, I'm going forward with this divorce, or something.

 

He only told me that it's hard and that he'll respect my wishes.

 

That's why I'm so mad at him... how can he break NC just to talk to me about his brother's girlfriend who's a lot like me, when he has no plans to really get divorced (I guess)?

 

My head is a mess and I don't know what to do.

 

I really do want to know where his divorce stands but I don't want to seem pathetic... I mean, to me it seems that was his way of telling me something. Either he's back home or he can't go through with the divorce or he's undecided or something. I wish I knew where he stood but at this point if he's not actually divorcing then what does it matter? And if he were, I'm sure he would tell me!

[maravilla]

Going w/ my gut, which is all I have to go on when it comes to him!, I feel like when I told him I need a break for him to decide what he's really going to do and act like it, he took that opportunity to go back home or get back into his W's good graces. Even though he eventually agreed we need a 'break' and told me 'goodbye for now.' He can't be alone, he's told me that, so he couldn't take that time to decide what he really wanted and instead took the default option of his W. He didn't have the balls to tell me that. Then he contacts me for some stupid reason, I guess just to see if it's hard for me and if I still love him, all the while knowing that he can't give me anything because he's back with his W. That's just how it feels to me but I would really like some confirmation and closure so that I can move on for good. Because it was supposed to be a break for him to straighten his stuff out, but if he's staying married then I need to bury that relationship and move on. I want him to tell me his true status and what is really going on. That's all I've wanted from him for a long time, is it so bad of me to want that?

[Confused4Now]

Lisa,

 

I think that was his way of telling me he is not getting divorced or at least not anytime soon.

 

?

 

Because if he were then he would have told me, I'm going forward with this divorce, or something.

 

He only told me that it's hard and that he'll respect my wishes.

 

That's why I'm so mad at him... how can he break NC just to talk to me about his brother's girlfriend who's a lot like me, when he has no plans to really get divorced (I guess)?

 

My head is a mess and I don't know what to do.

 

I really do want to know where his divorce stands but I don't want to seem pathetic... I mean, to me it seems that was his way of telling me something. Either he's back home or he can't go through with the divorce or he's undecided or something. I wish I knew where he stood but at this point if he's not actually divorcing then what does it matter? And if he were, I'm sure he would tell me!

Just remember NO answer is an answer....they will not let you know where they stand cause they can't make a choice/decision. So stay FOCUSED on YOU. Until he can come to your door and hand you the starting of papers it means nothing. For me that was the hardest thing. Once my xW was served it was out there. There is a Divorce going on in my household.

 

Anything other than that is just words meaning nothing.

[maravilla]

Just remember NO answer is an answer....they will not let you know where they stand cause they can't make a choice/decision. So stay FOCUSED on YOU. Until he can come to your door and hand you the starting of papers it means nothing. For me that was the hardest thing. Once my xW was served it was out there. There is a Divorce going on in my household.

 

Anything other than that is just words meaning nothing.

 

This is all very true. I just want to ask him whether he's getting divorced, or not, or whether he's undecided. I don't even think he will tell me the truth though. I don't understand why he has to be such a coward!

[Confused4Now]

This is all very true. I just want to ask him whether he's getting divorced, or not, or whether he's undecided. I don't even think he will tell me the truth though. I don't understand why he has to be such a coward!

Cause he knows the minute he goes down that path...its for real....so much has to happen in a divorce. Once it happens it's harder to play both sides...it really is. It's basically sh_t or get off the pot time.

[maravilla]

No, I don't think that's bad of you at all, in fact from reading these forums it is what most AP want! It just seems that a lot are ok with being in an affair, and waiting it out... from the beginning you said you hated being in the dark and wanted a real relationship. I don't think you are being demanding, especially since he claimed that their marriage was dead even before you were in the picture.

 

I'm honestly not getting what the hold up is. He's moved out of the home, his kids are supposedly ok with the divorce, he has you, he knows you will go to him if he gets a divorce... so why isn't he moving forward? =/

 

Okay, so I asked him. All over text because I don't have the strength to talk talk to him. I said I don't want to send mixed messages about talking and it is best for us to not talk. But I need to clarify something so that I know what to do from here. And I need you to tell me the truth. I said I won't be mad but I just need it so I know how to deal. I asked him, are you getting divorced, or not, or are you undecided?

 

He said he is doing what I asked him to do and making the decision without me. He said he is taking his son to see my out-of-state friend's house tomorrow and he intends to rent it. And that he opened separate accounts on Monday. He said he is going in the direction of a divorce but he cannot tell me he's told his lawyer to file. He now knows he needs to make that decision alone, and he already feels better having proceeded in that direction during this last week, without knowing whether or not I will be in the picture.

 

I feel like he was being totally honest with me for once (well actually I felt that way since I first started telling him we needed to take a break and it was time for him to get off the fence. That's when he started acknowledging that he was in fact on the fence.)

 

I feel like I can handle things as long as he is being honest. Even if he says he has decided to stay married, at least I will know the truth and that will give me closure. I still have hope but I'm trying to focus on myself while he focuses on his marriage. Maybe I shouldn't have re-broken NC but I'm glad I got that clarification because I was thinking he was back with his wife.

[carhill]

Also, once the divorce process has begun, legally and socially, a man, especially a man who has been fence-sitting and living in two worlds, often *feels* he's losing power. Where prior he had the security of being married and the freedom of acting single, he now has real fear of the unknown. BTDT. Hope that helps

[maravilla]

Cause he knows the minute he goes down that path...its for real....so much has to happen in a divorce. Once it happens it's harder to play both sides...it really is. It's basically sh_t or get off the pot time.

 

I do understand Confused4Now that it's a huge decision for him to make and that once he files, it's a lot harder to go back, so he'd better be sure.

 

I feel like I'm doing the best thing possible under the circumstances by giving him space to decide what he really wants to do. My life is kind of in limbo right now but it was in limbo before when I was with him and I didn't even have him like I wanted him anyway. I wasn't comfortable being kept secret and helping him deceive his wife, and hearing him tell me he is getting divorced but then seeing based on his actions that he was undecided. So I think this is for the best under the circumstances and I do understand where he's coming from, that this is a really big decision that can't be made overnight. Thanks for giving me better insight into that perspective.

[myname]

It's the lack of decision and clarity that drove me nuts and ultimately made me decide it was better to stop the contact.

 

I could never understand why he couldn't just say to me, I'm staying married, why he was always telling me how it wasn't working with his wife, that he'd never be able to get the feelings he had for me with her etc, when he steadfastly did nothing to change it. If he could have said I'm staying married I could have moved on from this a long time ago. And like you all I ever asked for was the truth, I told him I would of course accept that outcome if that was what he wanted, but he'd never say it and he'd also never do anything to change the situation in the way I wanted.

 

So in the end what could I do? I said to him over and over the only thing that I couldn't bear him doing was to keep stringing us both along but that's all he seemed to be able to do.

[maravilla]

Also, once the divorce process has begun, legally and socially, a man, especially a man who has been fence-sitting and living in two worlds, often *feels* he's losing power. Where prior he had the security of being married and the freedom of acting single, he now has real fear of the unknown. BTDT. Hope that helps

 

It does help, thanks carhill. It's true that he'd been fence-sitting and that most of the world thought he was married whereas he was acting totally single or like we were in this real relationship when we weren't. I understand that it would be a huge change for him and that he fears the unknown.

[maravilla]

It's the lack of decision and clarity that drove me nuts and ultimately made me decide it was better to stop the contact.

 

I could never understand why he couldn't just say to me, I'm staying married, why he was always telling me how it wasn't working with his wife, that he'd never be able to get the feelings he had for me with her etc, when he steadfastly did nothing to change it. If he could have said I'm staying married I could have moved on from this a long time ago. And like you all I ever asked for was the truth, I told him I would of course accept that outcome if that was what he wanted, but he'd never say it and he'd also never do anything to change the situation in the way I wanted.

 

So in the end what could I do? I said to him over and over the only thing that I couldn't bear him doing was to keep stringing us both along but that's all he seemed to be able to do.

 

I totally feel you, it was exactly the same for me. I don't know why they do this. To me I can handle anything as long as I understand it, and I need honesty to understand it!

 

At least now I understand where MM is at and I feel he's being honest. And I'm not letting it affect me, in that I'm not involving him in my life while he's still undecided. I guess that's why they don't tell us... they know we won't stick around. But with me it's not that I have given up all hope, it's just that I want things to be the right way, or not at all, and I need honesty.

 

It's nice to be able to relate to someone else in this same situation. Good luck to you myname.

[myname]

I totally feel you, it was exactly the same for me. I don't know why they do this. To me I can handle anything as long as I understand it, and I need honesty to understand it!

 

At least now I understand where MM is at and I feel he's being honest. And I'm not letting it affect me, in that I'm not involving him in my life while he's still undecided. I guess that's why they don't tell us... they know we won't stick around. But with me it's not that I have given up all hope, it's just that I want things to be the right way, or not at all, and I need honesty.

 

It's nice to be able to relate to someone else in this same situation. Good luck to you myname.

 

Thanks, I hope things work out well for you. It's good you can keep unaffected by his issues. I always found myself so involved with his issues sometimes I would forget that what I was asking from him really wasn't unreasonable, just to be straight with me and make up his mind, he'd had long enough to do it as well.

 

For me, whenever I still had hope I could not keep up the no contact position and it always just fell back into me getting my hopes dashed as nothing changed. Hope still rears it's ugly head for me now, but it comes and goes with less damage to my self esteem when I don't speak to him or see him.

 

Stay strong, you've done well to get him to be honest with you and to stand firm on how you want things to be.

[siuys]

I think xMM never intended to fence sit. I honestly don't think they know what the hell they are doing. They are attached to the W and family, but they love their A. They're torn, indecisive, swaying left and right. xMM never promised me anything, and I don't believe he lied to me. His actions told me everything I needed to know - he couldn't make up his mind, and was not clear. In the end, after his lease expired, he told me he's moving back home for a couple of days while he looked for another place. I thought, yeah right. I so KNEW it was coming, that once he's moved back in, he will feel all the good family stuff and will wonder what the hell he's doing with me.

 

I actually think if any MMs want to sort themselves out and make a decision, OWs need to be away. They need to do it for themselves, not because of the OWs...

 

I believe some MMs DO want to be straight and honest... it's just they can't make up their mind so even if they are straight with you today, tomorrow is different again!

[phillyfan]

I went NC a week ago and hadn't heard from MM since. Tonight he sent me texts saying he doesn't know the 'Rules of Disengagement' but he had to let me know he was hanging w/ his brother whose g/f is 18 yrs younger than his brother - MM and I have a big age difference- and has the same color eyes and hair as me and she's cool.

 

I wrote back and said please don't text me b/c it's too hard.

 

He then said it's hard on him too and it physically hurts. I said please respect my wishes and either make the hard choices and do what it takes for us to be together for real or leave me alone so I can move on. I said I love him and I'm sorry he's hurting but I cannot be his other woman or his secret anymore and I need him to understand that and respect my wishes.

 

He then said he loves me and will respect my wishes.

 

Wtf. Why did he text me. I think he has a messed up definition of love. I'd been missing him so much and now it just feels ten times worse. I knew he wasn't really going to get divorced. I'm really sad. I will prolly get roasted here for texting him back but honestly I feel I spoke from my heart and repeated what I told him when I went NC and I am not going to change my mind. If he doesn't want me the right way then he is not the guy he claimed to be and I don't want him! It hurts and I'm sad but I am really sure that I'm done being his OW.

 

Man...complete BS. 'Stroke my ego, give me attention even tho I'm married'. Geez what a freakin prize. Serious, this is what women want? An old married dude who lies and sends msgs to mess with their head?! I think he is eying up a replacement already.

[carhill]

I think he is eying up a replacement already.

 

Interesting observation, though I have no opinion as to relevance with the OP's situation.

 

Personally, I have observed this with MW's, especially the ones with established orbiters. When one orbiter becomes a bit too 'difficult' or 'inconvenient', she pushes him back out into space and pulls another orbiter down. She is constantly replenishing the supply of orbiters by appearing sexually available. The methodology works well. No real fear of where her next 'meal' is coming from. Awesome for fence sitting.

 

I'm sure some MM's do the same thing. I wasn't one of them, but must admire the pragmatism of the approach. It works.