MM contacts me

[maravilla]

Maravilla the whys of him doing what he is doing doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What you need to concentrate on is how he is treating you RIGHT NOW and it's not up to your standards is it?

 

Granted anyone ending a marriage, (if that is really what he is doing) is going to have tons of stuff to deal with and they have to grieve it, heal, then move on. To short circuit that process does not allow a person to get emotionally healthy.

 

IMO, your MM is paralyzed with fear because he doesn't really know what or who he wants, so he is trying to keep you hanging on because he is afraid to lose you, but yet he is afraid to let go of the wife either. He is a mess Maravilla and you've got to look out for YOU, he can't and he won't!

 

 

You're right. I feel he wants both of us. He has wanted to pursue being with me while keeping the door open with his wife. From day 1. Still nothing has changed except that when I went NC I was forcing him to choose (and I feel he went running to his wife even though he claims he was moving forward with divorce... the fact that his wife is so upset now that we resumed contact shows me that he did something different in regards to her while we were apart), and now his wife is forcing him to choose. And he doesn't know who to choose. I think he is still trying hard to keep the status quo.

 

Last night he told me he is sure he wants to divorce her even if he and I don't work out. He said he has realized he just cannot go back to her, he is too unhappy being married to her. So why today does he worry that she's not at her office and not answering his call, why does he tell me he needs time to think about what to do? How can he be so sure he is done with her but then not show either of us with actions?

 

This is driving me insane. I am really thinking about going away for the weekend, just myself and my dogs. I want to read, journal, hike, take a bath in a jacuzzi tub. I want to get my mind off of him and get out of here because this is seriously making me insane.

[Shadowburn]

Please end this madness.

He'll go back to his wife. I am sorry, but you're setting yourself up for more pain and nothing else.

[BB07]

You're right. I feel he wants both of us. He has wanted to pursue being with me while keeping the door open with his wife. From day 1.

 

He wants both because he doesn't want to make a choice. Do you want a man who can't make up his mind and stand by his choice, and take the fall out that goes with either?

He wants to do what is the easiest thing for him......and that is not to make a choice but keep things as they are although he knows that time is running out for you and him and for him and the wife. If he doesn't do something PDQ, the choice is going to be made for him and what does that say about him?

 

 

So why today does he worry that she's not at her office and not answering his call, why does he tell me he needs time to think about what to do?

 

I'm glad you mentioned that again because I had forgotten it was in your prior post and I meant to comment on it. A man who is done with his marriage doesn't go running to her office or get upset because she won't take his call.

 

This is driving me insane. I am really thinking about going away for the weekend, just myself and my dogs. I want to read, journal, hike, take a bath in a jacuzzi tub. I want to get my mind off of him and get out of here because this is seriously making me insane.

 

Do that.......remove yourself from HIS drama. Don't tell him........just go. Make him wonder about you and if when you come back he says me and the wife have reconciled, don't let him put it off on you, because he will try.

 

He is a very confused man Maravilla, you can do better than this. You can't fix him or help him figure out what he wants, he is the only one who can so you just have to NOT let him drag you down with him.

Hugs.......

[BB07]

One more thing.......your MM is at least letting you see and is telling you some of the sides of his confusion and cake eating. As painful as it is for you, at least you know. You do have enough information to ACT and you can choose to do something with it.

 

I was not privy to the kind of information you have, I just got slammed with it all at once from the bs.

[maravilla]

Thanks bb07. I think your advice is very sound and you are right that at least I am 'blessed' with seeing his cake-eating and confusion. He is definitely very confused and conflicted even though he won't admit it.

 

Well I just had a very strange conversation with him and everything is clear as mud but there are two things we established: 1) we are not talking again unless he gets divorced and 2) I consider myself SINGLE.

 

Honestly I think what happened is that he was trying to make me the bad guy by saying, 'I know you want to take another break and I understand and I'm fine with that.' He wants me to go away so he can deal with his wife (he called my office phone on his office phone when normally we always use cell phones) but he doesn't have the cojones to say that so he tries to lay it on me.

 

He tried to tell me he is sure he wants divorce but he was listening to his lawyer's advice about how to go about it and making sure his ducks were in a row etc. I said well that plan got ruined so now what is your plan, do you want to get divorced or not? He said he does want to get divorced but he is waiting to hear from his lawyer about whether he should file now or wait (he thinks she is at her attorney's filing now, and his lawyer had told him not to do anything that would make her mad and make her file first... well he sure didn't listen to his lawyer's advice then but now he wants to listen supposedly). He said he is going to do whatever his lawyer says. Really I think this is code for 'I am going to do wait and see what my wife is doing and see if there's any way I can get back to the status quo with her and so I can't tell you what is going to happen but you can't be in the way if I am going to have any chance to make nice with her.'

 

He also tried to tell me that he doesn't want to drag me through this because he wants to have the chance to have a nice future together without me resenting him. I said, I have been a part of this, I am a big part of the reason... we have been preparing for the 'war' so to speak and if this is war, as in, if the divorce is really happening, I do not want to run away, I will be here for you. But if you are not sure that it is happening and undecided about what to do then I need you to tell me the truth because then I do need to get out of the way. It's not fair to me or your wife to stay if you're not sure. Then we were back in the circle of him claiming to be sure he wants divorced but saying he doesn't know the timing because he needs to listen to his lawyer, and he understands that I need a break. So clearly he is saying without saying, yes please go away because I don't know what I want.

 

So I said fine, let's not talk unless you are actually going through the actual process of getting divorced, and then he got all happy and said he feels good about this decision and he is sure it will ensure a better future for us, except then he asked me about how to get stuff we each have of each other's (that I really don't care about at all, he can throw it away and all I have of his after the first time we went NC is a pair of flip flops he forgot to take with him!!), and should he send his handyman to work on my heating system which he was supposed to do tomorrow (I told him no I will call someone else), and then he asked me what my plans were this weekend so he could know to avoid me when he is out. ?!? Call me paranoid but I'm starting to think maybe phillyfan is right and he has another OW (the first night we started talking again he was out with a group of people that includes this woman he had previously told me his friends wanted to hook him up with once they found out he was separated...), or something because why would he ask me that?! He wanted to know if I'm going out of town and I said I don't know and he said, you have your work dinner tonight right? And I said yes and he said, where are you going after that? I said I don't know! He said he will avoid all the places I usually go just to be safe. ?! He asked me if I would let him know if I was going out tonight and tomorrow and where and I said no, if we are not talking we are not talking. Then he asked me if I consider myself single and he said he would take my silence to mean a yes and I was like, well I love you and I don't know what I'm signing up for in terms of a wait so if this is quick then I will still be here but I obviously can't promise I'll be sitting around forever. And then he said okay he will consider me single, as if he were happy about that?, and then he said goodbye, he had to go to a lunch meeting, and told me he loved me and asked me for a kiss over the phone (which he has never done once).

 

It was definitely the most confusing conversation to date and all I know is that it is my last with him. At this point I really feel that he is going to try to get back with his wife and if that doesn't work out he will hope I'm still here for him. Or he will have moved on to someone else. So I am going to stop worrying about him. I really am. I am going to use the app my friend downloaded to my phone and block his texts and calls. I don't like feeling like my life is on hold for him so it's not going to be. I feel bad if he tries to call or text and gets a notice that I've blocked him but honestly what does he expect me to do?? I am going to just move on and live my life. At least talking to him after he broke NC showed me that he is nowhere near ready to be with me for real. That is the one good thing that came out of this whole mess. Now I know exactly what the situation is and I can get out of it.

 

Thanks again bb07 and everyone else.

[BB07]

Ahhh Maravilla, I'm sorry that its turned out this way and it (the pain) will probably get worse before it gets better but it will get better......I promise. We are here for you hon and hugs.

 

Re: your last post. It does sound like he wants to put it off on you and really who wants a man who let's everyone else make his decisions for him. Sounds like he is letting everyone in his life decide for him.......his wife, you, the lawyer. So many of these men are conflict avoiders and without gonads. My xmm was and because he was he became the most disgusting liar I've ever known.

 

I am suspicious of his need to know the places you might be. I'm not buying that he didn't want to run into you, I'm afraid there is more to that story. He has been trying to make himself sound oh so noble and I see and smell a lot of bs in that, don't you?

[maravilla]

Ahhh Maravilla, I'm sorry that its turned out this way and it (the pain) will probably get worse before it gets better but it will get better......I promise. We are here for you hon and hugs.

 

Re: your last post. It does sound like he wants to put it off on you and really who wants a man who let's everyone else make his decisions for him. Sounds like he is letting everyone in his life decide for him.......his wife, you, the lawyer. So many of these men are conflict avoiders and without gonads. My xmm was and because he was he became the most disgusting liar I've ever known.

 

I am suspicious of his need to know the places you might be. I'm not buying that he didn't want to run into you, I'm afraid there is more to that story. He has been trying to make himself sound oh so noble and I see and smell a lot of bs in that, don't you?

 

Yes, he is putting off decisions on everyone else and at least that makes it easier for me. I've realized I need to find my own closure, my own clarity, my own certainty, because he has given me absolutely none. It all depends on me and I have decided that no matter what he does, even if he comes back tonight and says oh please be with me (and if so that means his wife filed papers!!!), I will not do anything for him anymore. In fact I have blocked his call so that can't happen and I'm figuring out how to block his texts. He has made it known that he hasn't chosen me, so I'm not going to choose him even if he asks me to. I have decided I am done with him in this current state and if he is ever available in the future, we'll see, but while he is still married, I am done for good this time.

 

And yes, him wanting to know where I will be is very strange. He wants to act like he's not trying to stalk me or run into me to make me uncomfortable but I think he is hiding something. I don't even care what it is anymore. I am going to go out with my friends and forget about him. There is a guy who works with my friend who asked me out and I turned him down because of stupid MM but if I see him at this work event tonight (we all work in the same field and she and I are going to be there but I'm not sure about him) then I am going to see what happens because he was a cute, nice guy, and single, and I am tired of turning down opportunities because I was waiting around on MM to do something. (I think he was asking me if I consider myself single so that he can consider himself single. Because before when we went NC he said it's not fair if I can date and he can't and I said, um, you're married, and that is what is preventing us from being together, so no you can't date! He still didn't really get it but whatever, I'm not worried about him anymore!)

[maravilla]

Maravilla, that is bizarre!! It is weird how he was persistent about where you were going to be, or if you consider yourself single or not. Honestly, when Philly first brought up another woman I didn't think that was likely as well, but now I'm wondering... Maybe he is suddenly enjoying his new found singledom and deciding he doesn't want to be tied down?

 

Could definitely be that! Maybe I was his exit affair??

 

He has this friend who is dating this woman and the woman has a sister. When he first left home he told me that his friend and that group had mentioned hooking him up with the sister now that he was separated (they knew he had moved out but they didn't know about me).

 

Well on the Tuesday night (two Tuesdays ago) that I went NC, we saw this friend at the restaurant we were at. It was pretty obvious we were together although we didn't come out and tell the friend that.

 

This past Tuesday is when he first contacted me again. We texted back and forth the next day and he said he wanted to see me to tell me in person what was going on. I said okay (probably stupidly, I know) and said we could meet after my meeting that night (Wednesday). He told me his cousin was in town and they were going to be staying at his place where he's staying, so he couldn't see me until Saturday. This was strange because in the past we'd spent all our time together, and he was always wanting to see me, but I thought, well, we hadn't talked for a week. I honestly thought maybe he had gone back home, or maybe he would have his kids spending the night.

 

Well on Wednesday night he texted me most of the night while both of us were out. He was out with a group that included that friend and his girlfriend and her sister. He told me they were trying to hook him up with her but he wasn't interested and would never cheat on me. Then he said the group was headed to his sister's house and he would talk to me later, and he never did. I texted him good night and never heard anything back. On Thursday he texted me at like 4 in the morning saying he got up early to go work out. He said when the group got to his sister's house he wondered over to another room and fell asleep on the couch because he was tired. Then he said he got up at like 3 to go to the restroom and everyone was asleep so he went to his place he's staying at, and then got up early to go to the gym. That morning I had a bunch of texts explaining all of this and I thought it was kind of weird. Yeah he had fallen asleep without saying good night and that was very strange but why all the over-explanation? Then on Thursday he told me again that the sister was interested in him but he nipped that in the bud by falling asleep and then in the morning he sent her a text saying sorry he fell asleep and he hadn't heard back from her so that put the kabash on that. I said why did you apologize to her for falling asleep? And he said his friend had told him he should. And I said, why would your friend tell you to apologize to her if you were making it clear you weren't interested in her like you told me, and since she was there with her sister and sister's boyfriend so it's not like she needed you for anything? He said something like, he was the co-host of the party and his friend thought it was rude for him to fall asleep, or something to that effect.

 

Last night was the second night in a row that he said he would be in touch later (he had suggested trying to meet up after I had dinner with my friend and he went to hear a friend's band play... he said his wife might be there because she got the email invite, and that supposedly is what fueled their whole fight, because she showed up and he rejected her attempts to have him pay attention to her), and then he just disappeared without a word. I had texted him to see if he was having a good night and then I got suspicious and called him and nothing. It was all very strange because in the past he is constantly communicating with me. Well last night is when he told me he told his wife. I honestly didn't believe him at first (and am still not sure if I do!) because it seemed like he was just giving me an excuse for having ignored me all night and he thought that would satisfy me enough to shut me up. But it does seem like he had some kind of convo w/ his wife and the weird thing is he mentioned that she said he just wants to be single and hang out with his single friends and that he's jealous of his friend's life-- the friend that wanted to hook him up with his girlfriend's sister. MM told me he told his wife he is not jealous of his friend, who is set to ask his girlfriend to marry him, but now I think his wife was onto something and there is more to the story than I know!

[maravilla]

This has been a long and strange ride and I'm glad it's finally over. I feel quite stupid for allowing myself to be in this situation and I sure have learned a lot of things I'll never do again! But at least it is over and I can move on!

[BB07]

Maravilla.......I'm glad you are removing yourself from his drama and what you said in your last couple of posts......well listen to your gut. I think he is lying to you about his nights out and I'm sorry but he is wanting to play the field. Now that you've got him pumped up (his ego) he is wanting to see what else might be out there too.

 

He is bad, bad news Maravilla. Three months down the road, he is going to look like some ****e that you stepped in. He is just going to be a greasy spot in your past.

[maravilla]

Maravilla.......I'm glad you are removing yourself from his drama and what you said in your last couple of posts......well listen to your gut. I think he is lying to you about his nights out and I'm sorry but he is wanting to play the field. Now that you've got him pumped up (his ego) he is wanting to see what else might be out there too.

 

He is bad, bad news Maravilla. Three months down the road, he is going to look like some ****e that you stepped in. He is just going to be a greasy spot in your past.

 

He is already starting to look that way! When I think about all that's gone down and write it out here, I'm like, eww. I guess when I went NC he decided to start playing the field. Now that his wife is onto him and me he wants to get rid of me but keep playing the field or else why would he care where I went out to? I really want to see him out LOL and get confirmation of my suspicions. But a bigger part of me just doesn't care.

[BB07]

He is already starting to look that way! When I think about all that's gone down and write it out here, I'm like, eww. I guess when I went NC he decided to start playing the field. Now that his wife is onto him and me he wants to get rid of me but keep playing the field or else why would he care where I went out to? I really want to see him out LOL and get confirmation of my suspicions. But a bigger part of me just doesn't care.

 

I get that you want to know......I do, I went through a similar thing but I fought it and I won, you can do it too. If you found out what you suspect, it would just heap more pain on you and you need to concentrate on yourself, being good to yourself, treating yourself gently and kindly.

[maravilla]

I get that you want to know......I do, I went through a similar thing but I fought it and I won, you can do it too. If you found out what you suspect, it would just heap more pain on you and you need to concentrate on yourself, being good to yourself, treating yourself gently and kindly.

 

Very true. Thanks for all the support. I'm feeling good right now knowing I have closure even if I partly brought the closure on myself, but I'm sure I will start feeling lonely over the weekend. I'm ready to move on though for sure!!

[fooled once]

Thanks everyone. Here's the latest development. Last night MM told me that he told his wife. As we talked and I asked more questions it turns out it went down like this. She had seen calls and texts all over the phone bills and asked him if he is still seeing me and if he has feelings for me and he said yes (in the past she has asked but he has said no. She knew of our initial affair but he was telling her we had little to no contact after D-Day.) He told her he was going to lease the longer-term place. Then he left their house and went to the place where he's staying.

 

Okay. So I asked him what this means and he said he thinks she is going to file for divorce and beat him to the punch. I asked him if he was totally sure he wanted to get divorced and he said yes. This morning I called him and he said he feels overwhelmed and needs a few hours to decide what to do. He said he went by her office this morning and she wasn't there and he tried to call her and she didn't answer.

 

I was like umm okay (to myself). I asked him again if he is sure he wants to get divorced and he said do I mean what percentage, like is there one or two percent of him that doesn't want to get divorced? I said look both of us have been waiting for you to really decide what you want to do, act on it, and stick with it. Now is the moment of truth. She's right that if there's any way for you guys to work on the marriage then you cannot be talking to me at all (he'd told me last night she had said that). And for where you and I are at, with being in love and wanting to be together the right way, then there is no more room for waffling about staying married or not. You really need to pick a side and stick with it or you need to tell me, or both of us, or whatever, that you are undecided and you need time to think. He said he knows I'm right but he's not sure what to do so can he just call me later. I said okay.

 

Now I feel like I'm 'winning' him by default. This whole situation is so no-win and I am honestly starting to wish I never gotten involved with him because it's so confusing. I feel like if his wife gives him another chance he will choose her. Which is understandable but why couldn't he have come to that decision on his own and let me know?

 

The timing of everything was strange and my gut tells me that he had been trying to get back with her or at least moving in that direction while we were NC, even though when he broke NC he told me he was moving in the direction of divorce all on his own. I figured that he had been around the house more or maybe even staying there overnight or something and now that we were back in contact he couldn't do that or she was suspicious of him talking to me (at one point he told me that she either saw my name on his phone, or saw me calling him, or something, I didn't understand the specifics of the details or timing in relation to the rest of the conversation, and he said she had wanted to call me and he told her not to.) So I asked him what had happened while we weren't talking, was he trying to make things work with her? He said no but maybe she took it that way because he was spending more time with his son, every single day, and that meant spending more time around her.

 

In my gut I feel that he was trying to make nice with her while we were NC and then when we broke NC she was on high alert and found out and now she is kicking him to the curb. And he is trying to see if I'm still here for him but he's still not even telling me, 'I am filing for divorce today' or anything like that.

 

I really regret ever breaking NC because now I am even more confused than before. It's the moment of truth and he's still undecided. I guess this is what I get for being so stupid!

 

So according to him, he told his wife about you and SHE may file and HE STILL IS UNDECIDED?

 

That is your answer right there.

 

If you can't see that HUGE RED FLAG right in front of you....

 

and "winning him" by default????? Oh dear......... it isn't a competition!!!!

 

But as he told you, he is STILL undecided.

 

I am not sure how much more he can stick his foot in his mouth and you still have HOPE that he is going to divorce....

 

I agree with the poster who said he is just buying time...and pretty soon, he is going to tell you that he can't do it before Christmas and then there is new years and ..... then she will "beg him" to truly give the marriage another shot....and he will JUST HAVE TO try again...but he wants you to wait and be there for him.

 

[spice4life]

After reading your latest posts maravilla I would like to recant my previous post...some of it anyway. This guy is a confused mess and it sounds like he is trying to cover his tracks with his W. I still stand by my words that he needs to leave for the right reasons and not because of the A.

 

NC is the only way to go in this situation, otherwise he is going to jerk your emotions all over the place until he sorts himself out and makes a decision. You don't have to put up with that and you shouldn't.

 

Enjoy your weekend away and especially that jacuzzi!

Edited November 13, 2010 by spice4life

[Carrot2000]

Maravilla, that is bizarre!! It is weird how he was persistent about where you were going to be, or if you consider yourself single or not. Honestly, when Philly first brought up another woman I didn't think that was likely as well, but now I'm wondering... Maybe he is suddenly enjoying his new found singledom and deciding he doesn't want to be tied down?

 

This is very possible. Attracting a much younger woman boosted his ego; he's feeling virile and desirable now so he wants to play the field and live the single life. If he got one attractive, younger woman to want him, how many others are out there who would be willing to be with him? This is a man who's been married most of his adult life, so it's possible that he doesn't want to get into another serious relationship.

 

The thing is that this guy is like a toddler who's learning to walk; he wants to be independent and explore his surroundings, but also needs to runs back to mom every few minutes to make sure she's still there. MM has been stalling on the divorce because he doesn't want the finality of divorce; what he wants is to play and run around like a single young man and still have a home to go to when he's done. What he describes as "confusion" is actually an unconscious effort to make sure he doesn't lose everything while he's going through this phase.

 

As much as he claims he loves you, Maravilla, he just isn't willing to risk it all for you. It's much easier for him to move out, date around and move back home than to commit to you for the rest of his life.

[newpriorities]

Very true. Thanks for all the support. I'm feeling good right now knowing I have closure even if I partly brought the closure on myself, but I'm sure I will start feeling lonely over the weekend. I'm ready to move on though for sure!!

 

Just finished reading your updates--wow, I hope you are taking care of yourself this weekend and doing what YOU want to do--this guy is really scary!

[BB07]

Maravilla, I hope you are out doing something enjoyable. Check in with an update so we will know how you are.

[maravilla]

Thanks everyone.

 

I stayed in town but I've been having a pretty good weekend so far, just hanging out with my friends a lot so I haven't been lonely! I went for a long jog/walk with my dog today. Tonight I'm going to see a funny movie with a girl friend and I want to take a bath.

 

I feel really going about finally splitting with him and I know it was the right thing to do. I don't know why I was with him. I'm pretty mad at myself for ever being with him but other than that I'm doing well and feeling strong.

[BB07]

Thanks everyone.

 

I stayed in town but I've been having a pretty good weekend so far, just hanging out with my friends a lot so I haven't been lonely! I went for a long jog/walk with my dog today. Tonight I'm going to see a funny movie with a girl friend and I want to take a bath.

 

I feel really going about finally splitting with him and I know it was the right thing to do. I don't know why I was with him. I'm pretty mad at myself for ever being with him but other than that I'm doing well and feeling strong.

 

Very good! The sadness will come and some anger but you are going to be alright.

 

I still have some anger at myself and him at times. It's part of the healing part of it. Not much sadness though and hey that is a great thing. I'm 4 months out from finding out what a POS liar mine was.

[maravilla]

Thanks again bb07. Today I still feel really good about not being in contact with MM (and last Sunday was my hardest day of being NC). So I am feeling good. I think this dragged on for so long that now I'm finally relieved to be done with it and I keep thinking of all his lies (even if of omissions but I'm beginning to realize he straight up lied to me too) and inconsistencies were driving me insane and he was not the right guy for me.

 

I guess one thing that is bothering me is that I imagine him saying to his wife, 'I got rid of maravilla and I never talk to her at all and all I want to do is be with you' when all along he was always the one breaking contact and wanting to be with me even when I kept saying he needed to decide about his marriage and be truthful. I know this shouldn't bother me and it's just another example of how he will tell both of us whatever we want to hear and spin the story in his favor at every turn. He is very selfish and always does whatever covers his butt or works in his favor. I'm beginning to really see this and I'm glad I got out.

[myname]

Thanks again bb07. Today I still feel really good about not being in contact with MM (and last Sunday was my hardest day of being NC). So I am feeling good. I think this dragged on for so long that now I'm finally relieved to be done with it and I keep thinking of all his lies (even if of omissions but I'm beginning to realize he straight up lied to me too) and inconsistencies were driving me insane and he was not the right guy for me.

 

I guess one thing that is bothering me is that I imagine him saying to his wife, 'I got rid of maravilla and I never talk to her at all and all I want to do is be with you' when all along he was always the one breaking contact and wanting to be with me even when I kept saying he needed to decide about his marriage and be truthful. I know this shouldn't bother me and it's just another example of how he will tell both of us whatever we want to hear and spin the story in his favor at every turn. He is very selfish and always does whatever covers his butt or works in his favor. I'm beginning to really see this and I'm glad I got out.

 

I am feeling really bothered by this sort of thought too, and know there's no point, but can't stop it. Really feel cross that now he will be acting as though I never existed, making things up with his wife, telling her I meant nothing, that he won't be in contact with me ever again, that he chose to be with her and told me to get lost and leave him alone, when the truth was if I hadn't told him not to contact me he would've seen me last week, he probably would've arranged to see me sometime this week, he would've been speaking to me on the phone every day, and even though I said no contact it's been him who's still tried to get in touch with me.

 

Agh, I'm so cross sometimes, and sometimes so upset. I hate that I am all alone and he has just turned back to his wife. Not that I know anything of course cos I've not been in touch, but hell if he could keep things ticking along with her when he was seeing me he's surely doing that even better now he hasn't got me.

[maravilla]

I am feeling really bothered by this sort of thought too, and know there's no point, but can't stop it. Really feel cross that now he will be acting as though I never existed, making things up with his wife, telling her I meant nothing, that he won't be in contact with me ever again, that he chose to be with her and told me to get lost and leave him alone, when the truth was if I hadn't told him not to contact me he would've seen me last week, he probably would've arranged to see me sometime this week, he would've been speaking to me on the phone every day, and even though I said no contact it's been him who's still tried to get in touch with me.

 

Agh, I'm so cross sometimes, and sometimes so upset. I hate that I am all alone and he has just turned back to his wife. Not that I know anything of course cos I've not been in touch, but hell if he could keep things ticking along with her when he was seeing me he's surely doing that even better now he hasn't got me.

 

myname,

 

I'm sorry that you too are experiencing these same crappy feelings. But it does help to talk about it with someone who understands and can relate, so thank you for sharing.

 

It's the same with me -- if I had played pliant little OW, standing meekly aside while MM waffled about his marriage, I would still be having an affair with him. In fact, in my case, MM often said he needed me to 'push' him to do things and that once I gave him the 'encouragement' to do things like move out or see an attorney, etc., he always felt he was doing the right thing even though it may have been too hard to go through with on his own accord. So basically if I had kept pressuring him, he may have done even more to leave his marriage and be with me. But the minute I said, 'you need to do this on your own, without me pushing you, for your own reasons, based on your marriage, and not only to be with me,' he balked. So basically it was always a lose-lose situation for me and as soon as I got strong and decided what I wanted and it was that or nothing, MM admitted he couldn't do it (well, he would never admit confusion or weakness, but it was obvious by his actions and his inconsistent words and by finally admitting I was right and we needed a break), and now I'm pretty darn sure he's high-tailing it back to his wife with his tail between his knees.

 

I've finally decided that it doesn't matter what his wife thinks, and, as much as I'm hurting at times, I actually feel bad for her in that she doesn't have the whole truth, and she was in a worse position than I was, going knowingly in, to get hurt. I think what bothers me more is thinking that he is probably painting me in this bad light, or this insignificant light (which he's even admitted in the past he does to her -- to supposedly save hurting her feelings and make the divorce more amicable etc.) I've decided that I deserve more than to be with someone who minimizes my importance in their life, who tells me he has the most incredible feelings for me ever and then tells his wife I meant nothing or maybe just sex because she's in menopause or whatever, or who makes it sound like it was all me pursuing him (he says he doesn't tell her that -- that in fact he tells her he tried to stop talking to me and he's can't, and that he was just as responsible for it all as I was -- but, who knows). I just have to chalk it up to a lesson learned, all smoke and mirrors, and move on. If I dwell on it it is giving him too much importance and dragging me down.

 

I hope my perspective helps you some although I do go back and forth with my own emotions. I'm telling myself logic over emotions and trying to think of it that way, and it usually works! Best wishes to you myname.

[myname]

myname,

 

I'm sorry that you too are experiencing these same crappy feelings. But it does help to talk about it with someone who understands and can relate, so thank you for sharing.

 

It's the same with me -- if I had played pliant little OW, standing meekly aside while MM waffled about his marriage, I would still be having an affair with him. In fact, in my case, MM often said he needed me to 'push' him to do things and that once I gave him the 'encouragement' to do things like move out or see an attorney, etc., he always felt he was doing the right thing even though it may have been too hard to go through with on his own accord. So basically if I had kept pressuring him, he may have done even more to leave his marriage and be with me. But the minute I said, 'you need to do this on your own, without me pushing you, for your own reasons, based on your marriage, and not only to be with me,' he balked. So basically it was always a lose-lose situation for me and as soon as I got strong and decided what I wanted and it was that or nothing, MM admitted he couldn't do it (well, he would never admit confusion or weakness, but it was obvious by his actions and his inconsistent words and by finally admitting I was right and we needed a break), and now I'm pretty darn sure he's high-tailing it back to his wife with his tail between his knees.

 

I've finally decided that it doesn't matter what his wife thinks, and, as much as I'm hurting at times, I actually feel bad for her in that she doesn't have the whole truth, and she was in a worse position than I was, going knowingly in, to get hurt. I think what bothers me more is thinking that he is probably painting me in this bad light, or this insignificant light (which he's even admitted in the past he does to her -- to supposedly save hurting her feelings and make the divorce more amicable etc.) I've decided that I deserve more than to be with someone who minimizes my importance in their life, who tells me he has the most incredible feelings for me ever and then tells his wife I meant nothing or maybe just sex because she's in menopause or whatever, or who makes it sound like it was all me pursuing him (he says he doesn't tell her that -- that in fact he tells her he tried to stop talking to me and he's can't, and that he was just as responsible for it all as I was -- but, who knows). I just have to chalk it up to a lesson learned, all smoke and mirrors, and move on. If I dwell on it it is giving him too much importance and dragging me down.

 

I hope my perspective helps you some although I do go back and forth with my own emotions. I'm telling myself logic over emotions and trying to think of it that way, and it usually works! Best wishes to you myname.

 

My emotions are swinging wildly all over the place at the moment. On the one hand I'm really upset, missing him, missing any form of contact, feeling like it's my fault I've lost him, that I didn't try hard enough, lol. Then again I'm also thinking I could never do enough, whatever I did made no difference, and all I was doing was making myself tired and miserable.

 

Then I start to feel so angry, so angry that he's had to pay no consequences, he's still in his house (that he was so worried about losing), he still has her sharing their household expenses (that he was so worried about not being able to make on his own), he still has her professing her love, showing him affection, providing support. He was always so worried that he would end up with nothing through all this, and look it's turned out it's me who's ended up with nothing, he never worried about that did he? Is he worrying about that now? No, he's just fine, hasn't lost a thing and got out of it all so easy.

 

I'm so bitter about it all, wish I wasn't, wish I could just move on and forget but it's not that easy for me.

[newpriorities]

My emotions are swinging wildly all over the place at the moment. On the one hand I'm really upset, missing him, missing any form of contact, feeling like it's my fault I've lost him, that I didn't try hard enough, lol. Then again I'm also thinking I could never do enough, whatever I did made no difference, and all I was doing was making myself tired and miserable.

 

Then I start to feel so angry, so angry that he's had to pay no consequences, he's still in his house (that he was so worried about losing), he still has her sharing their household expenses (that he was so worried about not being able to make on his own), he still has her professing her love, showing him affection, providing support. He was always so worried that he would end up with nothing through all this, and look it's turned out it's me who's ended up with nothing, he never worried about that did he? Is he worrying about that now? No, he's just fine, hasn't lost a thing and got out of it all so easy.

 

I'm so bitter about it all, wish I wasn't, wish I could just move on and forget but it's not that easy for me.

 

Don't be so sure about that. Whatever led him to have an A in the first place is still there. You have freedom; he doesn't. You have a new day filled with possibilities, he doesn't. Having been in a bad M, let me tell you, it is far worse than being alone. Hang in there and treat yourself to something today!