MM contacts me

[whichwayisup]

Take control back. Stop being intimate with him. Distance yourself as being the OW, if anything since you don't want to do NC (not sure if either way) keep things simple. Detach, focus on you, your life and let him sort out his stuff.

 

He isn't going to give a time frame because he hasn't thought that far ahead. Let his actions show you. Right now everything is just words and empty promises.

[maravilla]

Take control back. Stop being intimate with him. Distance yourself as being the OW, if anything since you don't want to do NC (not sure if either way) keep things simple. Detach, focus on you, your life and let him sort out his stuff.

 

He isn't going to give a time frame because he hasn't thought that far ahead. Let his actions show you. Right now everything is just words and empty promises.

 

I guess I was feeling like I was missing him and also feeling guilty about not being here for him. But if I think about only myself I know this isn't a good situation for me to be in and it's not likely to end any time soon unless I do take control.

 

It's not fair for him to ask me to wait around on him when he doesn't know what he's doing. I think he does recognize that but he's just hoping that I'll do it. I have to be strong and stand up for what I want because he really takes whatever I give him, and I only have myself to blame for that!

[myname]

You know, when I step outside of my emotions and think clearly, I know you're right.

 

I've gone through so many different emotions today. This morning, I woke up depressed and confused and almost feeling like I was falling apart.

 

Then I started to think back about why I went NC and I thought, I don't want to put my life on hold for him and be the OW who loves and pines for him while he decides what to do about his marriage and keeps me a secret. I know I don't deserve that and my life can't be based on him.

 

So then I seriously started thinking, okay, what if I just step away but not totally walk away? Like, what if I keep him in my life to some extent, talking to him and sometimes seeing him, but not letting my life revolve around him? So that I can have him there for fun and comfort but also live my own life?

 

Well now that I'm trying to think as rationally as possible, I think:

 

#1. That probably won't work because I love him and also because he is very demanding and needy (I know it's probably due to his hard situation and I'm not trying to demean him; just state the facts). If I give him an inch he takes a mile and I keep giving it to him! It's just the nature of our relationship, at least right now. So even if it sounds good idealistically, it probably wouldn't work out, practically.

 

#2. I remember the other reasons I walked away which are that I wanted to start having some integrity. I felt really uncomfortable helping him deceive his wife who thinks there is still hope of reconciliation. It also made me start to lose respect for him because he was telling me one thing and her another, and saying he didn't want to hurt her by filing for divorce, when all along he was slowly hurting her (or me, or both). I just want to live a life of honesty and openness and I hated feeling hidden and ashamed. I would still be doing that if I just saw him occasionally or even talked to him often.

 

So, it looks like I have no choice than to cut him off again. I don't want to but I don't see any other option!

 

I also tried many times to just step away slightly, try getting my life on track but staying in touch with him thinking it could be on a more casual basis and that I could just get some support from him while I was lonely and struggling with recreating some kind of social life for myself and if he decided to do anything all well and good and if not ok. But no, it never worked, he was very needy, always wanting reassurances from me that I was there for him, always holding out the hope to me that he would start doing something to change the situation if I was there for him, always questioning me about what I was doing and feeling and never giving me any timeline, never any specifics.

 

Also I too started to feel crappy about his wife, I started to think how she must be feeling, how unfair and cruel it was on her, I hated worrying about him being found out by her and that whole drama erupting again. I hated feeling like a nasty little secret that was like a sore in his wife's life that kept hurting as long as me and him continued.

 

And I came to the conclusion what else can I do but end it. I'd tried being supportive of him, tried encouraging him, tried to get him to decide what was best for him regardless of whether that was me or not, just wanted him to make a decision. He wouldn't, so I had to. He didn't like it but what he was asking of me (to stay as second option for him) I didn't like either.

 

Good luck with whatever option you decide to take.

[phillyfan]

phillyfan - Not sure why you think he's eyeing a replacement already. He hasn't given me any indication of that sort. At one time he talked about dating but it was in terms of if he and I didn't work out. He has always told me he only wants to be with me, it's just that it's very hard to tell his wife that and get divorced! I know him well and have for better or worse gotten good at reading between the lines of what he says and going with my gut (maybe too much... perhaps I doubt him too much because I've gotten sick of not seeing results) and I feel like if he had an OOW or potential OOW, I would know. I do feel that he loves me very much and wants to be with me (not someone else), but isn't sure if he can actually pull the trigger on divorce.

 

Seriously girl, cmon. Ask a 12 yr old kid whether the man is a liar or not and you get the right answer. He cheats on his wife, he won't leave her for you, this is a dead end. Stop wasting your life, stop making excuses.

[phillyfan]

I guess I was feeling like I was missing him and also feeling guilty about not being here for him. But if I think about only myself I know this isn't a good situation for me to be in and it's not likely to end any time soon unless I do take control.

 

Why do u need to be there for him? Is he very ill/has he just lost a family member or somethin?

[siuys]

Maravilla, sorry to be blunt but you have to cut him off as I can guarantee you you will otherwise be miserable. You won't be able to get on with your life because your every action will depend on what MM is doing or not doing. It will drive you insane. And you will start hating yourself more and more for letting him do it, and putting up with it.

[jwi71]

Well Maravilla...

 

As long as you remain in contact and ALLOW HIM MEANS TO CONTACT YOU this is what you have.

 

Last I wrote to you you seemed at peace with waiting.

 

Then, its NC and its over

 

Now its back on again

 

Or maybe its this awful indecision about what to do concerning him.

 

So let me ask you this:

 

How do you want this A to end? Do you want him for a husband? Is it just sex and companionship? What? What is YOUR goal? (omit ALL other factors - what do YOU want)

 

Now that you have your goal...how do YOU work to get it? Forget everyone else in this, what ACTIONS can YOU take to achieve this goal? In essence, what path must you take to GET to your goal?

 

The only person working FOR you IS YOU. Nobody is going to do it for you. Its time to put on the big girl panties and ACT IN YOUR OWN SELF INTEREST.

 

This meandering back and forth between full on A and NC has got to suck.

 

So...your life...your CHOICE.

 

Choose. And yeah, its THAT simple.

[maravilla]

So let me ask you this:

 

How do you want this A to end? Do you want him for a husband? Is it just sex and companionship? What? What is YOUR goal? (omit ALL other factors - what do YOU want)

 

Now that you have your goal...how do YOU work to get it? Forget everyone else in this, what ACTIONS can YOU take to achieve this goal? In essence, what path must you take to GET to your goal?

 

The only person working FOR you IS YOU. Nobody is going to do it for you. Its time to put on the big girl panties and ACT IN YOUR OWN SELF INTEREST.

 

 

I want to be in a real relationship with him. By that I mean exclusive, out in the open, normal... like all relationships, NOT in an affair with him. Yes I think about marrying him and I would like to, but first we would need to be in a real relationship where we can just introduce each other to friends, go out on a date without having to look over our shoulder to see who might be there, etc.

 

That's why I went NC because I realized I was settling for less than I wanted and it was probably both allowing him to prolong his indecision and making him feel pressure to get divorced. I finally realized there was nothing I could do -- either he was going to get divorced or he wouldn't.

 

So, talking to him and seeing him doesn't go along with my goal not to be in an affair with him. Other than that I'm not sure what specific steps I could take to achieve the goal of being in a real relationship with him.

[maravilla]

I was just talking to him and he said he plans to serve his wife divorce papers after Thanksgiving. I didn't ask him, he just volunteered this information, and I was really confused because just yesterday he was telling me he was making decisions and was seeing if his son felt okay with everything and doing things on his own timeline etc... this is the first time he told me that since we've been back in contact.

 

Before he had been telling me before Thanksgiving (but then when we agreed to a break he started talking about not knowing when he could do it, and not having any kind of timeframe). I said before you told me before Thanksgiving, so I just worry that you'll keep pushing it back... he said he decided to wait until after Thanksgiving because he has family coming in from out of town and they are going to know he's separated and have separate Thanksgivings but he doesn't want them having to deal with him telling them he's getting divorced so he's going to wait until after Thanksgiving. Also, I am going to be out of town with my family for Thanksgiving and he said he doesn't want to do it while I'm away.

 

If I had known he was going to do it right after Thanksgiving then I could have waited it out. I told him this and he said he didn't decide until recently that he was going to do it then.

 

 

Part of me feels really happy that he's actually going to do it but another part of me feels really confused about how he could change his line so fast from 'making decisions' to 'definitely filing right after Thanksgiving.'

[whichwayisup]

Time will tell. Let his actions show you if he actually does file after Thanksgiving.

 

Don't let yourself get too excited. Would hate to hear for your sake that he decided to wait again until after Christmas and New Years.

 

What do you mean, he's discussing this with his son before talking to his wife about leaving and divorcing her? Filing papers?

[maravilla]

What do you mean, he's discussing this with his son before talking to his wife about leaving and divorcing her? Filing papers?

 

I don't know. He said he wants to make sure his son is okay with him getting divorced and he wants to do the best thing for his son. He told me that in my absence he'd been making spending time with his son his top priority.

 

I never understood this b/c clearly his son would want him to stay with his mom. So I guess he just means easing him into the transition? I'm really not sure.

 

Today he mentioned that his son knows he's getting divorced because he's taking him to see the house he wants to rent. I said well renting a house and getting divorced are two different things and your son is probably confused about what it all means and maybe you should talk to him about it? And also talk to the rest of your family members who are coming for Thanksgiving to let them know the deal ahead of time? He said, yes, but then he would have to tell his wife he wants divorced. I said, yes, that's what it would mean. Then he asked me if I thought he should tell his wife before she went on her trip to a relative's for Thanksgiving. I said well I have been of the opinion that he should have told his wife all along. It was a very confusing conversation.

[4321sn]

My advice to you would be to listen and support him but to not get too wrapped up in the drama or details. Be calm...don't get your hopes up because as we all know he may "want" to file right after TG but a million things could change that.

Try to mentally distance yourself from what he is doing with his marriage as much as you can. Believe me, I know very well how difficult it can be but it is healthier for you not to drive yourself crazy...

[Confused4Now]

I don't know. He said he wants to make sure his son is okay with him getting divorced and he wants to do the best thing for his son. He told me that in my absence he'd been making spending time with his son his top priority.

 

I never understood this b/c clearly his son would want him to stay with his mom. So I guess he just means easing him into the transition? I'm really not sure.

 

Today he mentioned that his son knows he's getting divorced because he's taking him to see the house he wants to rent. I said well renting a house and getting divorced are two different things and your son is probably confused about what it all means and maybe you should talk to him about it? And also talk to the rest of your family members who are coming for Thanksgiving to let them know the deal ahead of time? He said, yes, but then he would have to tell his wife he wants divorced. I said, yes, that's what it would mean. Then he asked me if I thought he should tell his wife before she went on her trip to a relative's for Thanksgiving. I said well I have been of the opinion that he should have told his wife all along. It was a very confusing conversation.

Wow....he's testing the waters with his kid. He's also letting you know so you think there is forward progress. Trust me the only way you will see its for real when the papers are filed.

 

Please don't fall for this.....you're going to be so mad at yourself as I was with myself. I was given dates at the beginning of 2010 and was told she'd be ready Easter weekend cause that was her favorite holiday. So guess what we had the biggest fight before the weekend cause she knew she wasn't going to come through.

 

Then she contacted me and told me she was going to find a place an move out by summer well that didn't happen. Then I was told that 90% of her paper work was in at the legal workshop since last year. I called them and was told....when she signed up Sept. '09 they gave her the questionnaire and it was NEVER turned in. I was told they called her like 13 times and finally sent her a email in Sept of this year saying you don't do anything we are closing the file. Well she responded saying can you resend the paper work she got last year and that's the last they heard from her.

 

Today I'm at NC with her as she still pings me giving me status. I don't respond. All I'm saying is stick to your guns until you see paperwork. That starts it all for most divorces and even then there are no guarantees.

 

Focus on you is the only thing I can say. Please be careful...

[fooled once]

whichwayisup and fooledonce,

 

I understand what you are both saying, but I still have hope and I believe him. Am I just beingstupid???

 

4321, no, I haven't dated. I get asked out but I just feel like it would be a waste of my time and the guy's time because my heart is with MM.

 

Does everyone think I'm stupid for believing he loves me and believing what he's telling me? (Granted it's not all what I want to hear but it's not like he says he went back home).

 

Naive, not stupid.

 

Not stupid, just not seeing things from an objective view. Take a break, take a step back, gain perspective, really take time to think about things.

 

Stupid is the wrong word, it's negative and makes one feel bad. You are listening to your heart, your emotions and not your head and gut feelings.

 

Ditto

 

I understand what everyone's saying but this is so hard. I feel like this is a huge set back for me. After I asked him my question about the status of his divorce, he contacted me again and said he has a question for me. He asked me if I think I can get over how we started out and endure the negative stuff and issues we had/have to get through in order to be a real couple. He told me he needs to know my heart is still in this because that's a part of his decision. So I told him that yes I think we can get through it anything and I just want the chance to be in a real relationship with him instead of an affair. He said he's glad we talked because he needed to know I still love him as part of his decision. Since then he's been texting me and he asked me if we could get together this weekend and I feel like I'm going to have to re-break up with him all over again, except I don't even want to because I miss him so much. I mean my head wants to but my heart doesn't.

 

I'm just not sure what to do. He says he feels like he's already getting divorced and he's looking towards our future as a couple instead of on his past being married to his wife. I told him I understand what he means but thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two different things.

 

Now I'm right back where I started, still the other woman, and he's still undecided. I am really mad at myself and really feeling depressed.

 

Yep, you are right back at the OW. He wants to have sex with you this weekend.

 

I think it is horrible of him to tell you - to tell you that HIS decision on whether to divorce or not depends on YOU and whether you will hand hold him throughout it. You will become a target for his wife and his child. How sick of him. How pathetic of him. How cowardly of him.

 

How about HE decides to get a divorce because he is in an unhappy marriage? NOT because he has someone who will baby him and help him out. How about he put up or shut up? How about he make a decision based on what is best for HIM? Nice of him to tangle you up in it and when things go bad during the divorce, you will be blamed by him for "pushing him" and "making him" get a divorce. What a ball-less coward!

 

Yeah, he kept saying this was so hard on him and he's so glad he can still think about a future for us as a couple. He said he wasn't sure there was one... even though when I went NC I told him I just need a break until he figures out what he's going to do! Sometimes I feel he doesn't listen to me even though I always try to explain to him what I'm really thinking and feeling.

 

I feel like he needs me in his life but he doesn't understand that he isn't able to give me all of him so it makes me want none of him until he can.

 

Let me get my teeny tiny violin out for him...poor baby --- so hard for him. He has a wife and a mistress. Poor guy. Yet where is his compassion for YOU for what he is doing TO YOU? Why isn't he concerned about all his flip flopping and how it is hurting you? Oh that's right - because he is a selfish b*astard who is only concerned about himself.!

 

And what happened to him RESPECTING you and NOT being in contact? Oh that's right - it is out the window because it doesn't work FOR HIM. doesn't matter what YOU asked for, he has chosen to IGNORE that.

 

Maravilla, sorry to be blunt but you have to cut him off as I can guarantee you you will otherwise be miserable. You won't be able to get on with your life because your every action will depend on what MM is doing or not doing. It will drive you insane. And you will start hating yourself more and more for letting him do it, and putting up with it.

 

Ditto

 

I was just talking to him and he said he plans to serve his wife divorce papers after Thanksgiving. I didn't ask him, he just volunteered this information, and I was really confused because just yesterday he was telling me he was making decisions and was seeing if his son felt okay with everything and doing things on his own timeline etc... this is the first time he told me that since we've been back in contact.

 

Before he had been telling me before Thanksgiving (but then when we agreed to a break he started talking about not knowing when he could do it, and not having any kind of timeframe). I said before you told me before Thanksgiving, so I just worry that you'll keep pushing it back... he said he decided to wait until after Thanksgiving because he has family coming in from out of town and they are going to know he's separated and have separate Thanksgivings but he doesn't want them having to deal with him telling them he's getting divorced so he's going to wait until after Thanksgiving. Also, I am going to be out of town with my family for Thanksgiving and he said he doesn't want to do it while I'm away.

 

If I had known he was going to do it right after Thanksgiving then I could have waited it out. I told him this and he said he didn't decide until recently that he was going to do it then.

 

 

Part of me feels really happy that he's actually going to do it but another part of me feels really confused about how he could change his line so fast from 'making decisions' to 'definitely filing right after Thanksgiving.'

 

Please do not get your hopes up. IMHO there is no way he is going to file for divorce between thanksgiving and Christmas. Bullcrap. He is so worried about his son and his family and all that --- for Thanksgiving, but not for Christmas? What happened to his big talk about his kids having 2 Thanksgivings? Guess that was A LIE.

 

Once again, you are sitting here waiting and hoping. You are wrapping yourself up in him and his WORDS. NOT HIS ACTIONS. You asked him to not contact you. He ignored it. He says he is going to file after Thanksgiving, but 3-4 weeks before Christmas? Gimme a break. Does he think you are dumb? Or are you falling all over him with "I love you and I want a future for us" so he knows he can continue to play this game with you?

 

If you are SERIOUS about having a "real" relationship with him and NOT being his mistress - tell him to call you after his divorce is final as you don't want to influence his decisions in anyway. Tell him to man up, handle his responsibilities but to stop dragging you down. YOU DESERVE BETTER and it is up to you to realize that and MAKE the changes necessary or you may find yourself waiting, and waiting and waiting......

[maravilla]

What happened to his big talk about his kids having 2 Thanksgivings? Guess that was A LIE.

 

He says they are going to have two Thanksgivings. One at his house and one at their house, and that his wife will be away visiting a relative and it will just be him and the kids part of the time.

 

There is no way for me to know for sure since I'll be out of state and plus at this point it's none of my business but it just sounds weird to me. On the one hand he's saying he's waiting until after Thanksgiving so he doesn't have to worry his family who is coming in to visit about him and his wife getting divorced. (He says they're not coming for Christmas so that's why he's waiting until after Thanksgiving). But on the other hand he says he is staying at his own place and his kids are having two Thanksgivings etc.

 

So then I pointed out that his family would have to know that he is separated. He said they will know that, but they just won't know he's getting divorced yet. Then he said that only his sister and brother know he's separated and only his sister knows about me. And that his sister is going to tell his parents (who live in a neighboring city) that he is separated when she is up there this month before Thanksgiving and see how they react. I said no offense but that sounds very cowardly, shouldn't you be the one, not your sister, to inform your parents that you're separated?

 

I forgot that every time after I talk to him, my head spins!! Nothing makes a whole lot of sense. I just keep thinking of how before he told me he wants to file for divorce before the holidays for sure. Now he says after Thanksgiving. I said, do you get my drift that you could just keep changing the date? He said yes he gets my drift but that won't happen. At one point he told me he is doing things his way on his own time and he is not going to do it earlier just because I want him to. Then at another point in the same conversation he asked me if I thought he should tell his wife before she leaves for her thanksgiving vacation or whatever it is. He tells me he wants my help and support but then he says he needs to do this on his own time and in his own way (which I agree with which is why I went NC.) I am just really confused about what he even wants from me.

[fooled once]

He says they are going to have two Thanksgivings. One at his house and one at their house, and that his wife will be away visiting a relative and it will just be him and the kids part of the time.

 

There is no way for me to know for sure since I'll be out of state and plus at this point it's none of my business but it just sounds weird to me. On the one hand he's saying he's waiting until after Thanksgiving so he doesn't have to worry his family who is coming in to visit about him and his wife getting divorced. (He says they're not coming for Christmas so that's why he's waiting until after Thanksgiving). But on the other hand he says he is staying at his own place and his kids are having two Thanksgivings etc.

 

So then I pointed out that his family would have to know that he is separated. He said they will know that, but they just won't know he's getting divorced yet. Then he said that only his sister and brother know he's separated and only his sister knows about me. And that his sister is going to tell his parents (who live in a neighboring city) that he is separated when she is up there this month before Thanksgiving and see how they react. I said no offense but that sounds very cowardly, shouldn't you be the one, not your sister, to inform your parents that you're separated?

 

I forgot that every time after I talk to him, my head spins!! Nothing makes a whole lot of sense. I just keep thinking of how before he told me he wants to file for divorce before the holidays for sure. Now he says after Thanksgiving. I said, do you get my drift that you could just keep changing the date? He said yes he gets my drift but that won't happen. At one point he told me he is doing things his way on his own time and he is not going to do it earlier just because I want him to. Then at another point in the same conversation he asked me if I thought he should tell his wife before she leaves for her thanksgiving vacation or whatever it is. He tells me he wants my help and support but then he says he needs to do this on his own time and in his own way (which I agree with which is why I went NC.) I am just really confused about what he even wants from me.

 

So why are you continuing to talk to him? What happened to him leaving you alone and respecting your desire for NC?

[Spiritgirl]

I think that you are confused because you have stopped listening to your own intuition and you are in hoping mode again. There is really nothing confusing about this. He is acting like he always has and you are starting to try to believe him again. No judgment here M, I just dont like seeing you sucked back in. Listen to your gut. whats it telling you? This man needs to grow up before he can be a good partner to ANYONE. Sure you can love him, but it doesnt mean you have to be in a relationship with him right now, unless you are okay taking care of him. You sem to be a smart and vibrant young woman who deserves a grown-up for a partner. Love really isnt enough to make a good relationship. Please do yourself a favor and take a step back again before you do anything. That way you will be able to center yourself again and you wll be able to think clearly. Either way, we will support you.

[Spiritgirl]

I forgot that every time after I talk to him, my head spins!!

 

Thats a pretty good indicator for you that talking to him is not such a great thing for you right now!

 

PS - re-read Fooled Once's longer post. Right on the money!

 

Hugs

 

SG

[NearlyThere]

Hi Maravilla

 

I have not been on here for a long while and not posted for longer than that but I can see you are struggling, oh and Hi to anyone that remembers me from ages ago, I technically should change my name now from being nearlythere, to finallyarrived. Strangely enough, today would have been 5 years ago to the day my now xmm and I first ever talked. It all finally ended 4 months ago, there was no big drama, no DDay, no ultimatums. Just finally ended after a very minor argument and I was no longer willing to get back on the rollercoaster again.

 

I can see you are having trouble with NC, I think one of the things I learnt is NC only works when you are truly ready for it, if you aren't then all the toing and froing causes more upset than the affair itself, imo. I couldn't do NC in a cold turkey way, I did mine step by step, it took a few months admittedly with a failed attempt at a break-up inbetween until I was finally ready to call it a day for good.

 

Before I say any more, I would say to you to be wary of the "I'm leaving/filing after Thanksgiving" statement, as for some reason I have noticed a lot of these statements seem to be promised to be done after either Thanksgiving or Xmas or some other major date and very few of them seem to come to fruition. Imo, I think he is just trying to buy himself more time to try to get you back into the whole affair and back where he feels he is the one pulling the strings again. I dont quite know why he should be asking you when he should tell his wife, again, imo, this is just him trying to get you to believe what he is telling you, to get you back on side, he has probably realised this time he has to make an impressive gesture. Of course it is possible he is being truthful, but only you can judge him based on his previous actions. Sorry if I sound negative, but just keep it in mind to protect yourself. You can stay supportive of him if he really needs it and you want to etc and there is no need for you to go NC if you dont want to but equally I would say to keep yourself still one step removed from him and his divorce if it happens and not right back where you were until his words become actions that you can see proof off.

 

What I did was gradually stop living my life around him, he was no longer my main focus. I no longer answered his texts immediately, I was no longer always available and if he was suddenly available but I had other plans I no longer changed mine. I stopped being on IM just hanging around waiting to see if he would be on-line to chat for a while. Now I realise how pathetic and weak these things make me sound but sometimes you dont even realise that you are doing all these things until you take a step back and think about it. This is why I agree with what others are saying, step back and look again at your situation with a clear head.

 

Mine was a one thing at a time process so when the minor argument came along I finally had the strength to walk away, although I didn't know that was going to be the case until it happened. Did the MM realise I was pulling away, yeah sure, but as much as he commented on it he equally knew there was nothing much really he could do, except the one thing he couldn't/wouldn't, so for once the ball was in my court. Yes it was hard doing this, I do still miss talking to him etc but equally I know I will never go back to that situation again and to me that is why NC only works when you are truly ready. It does gradually get easier but healing is a slow process, you can't wipe out memories and feelings with a click of your fingers.

 

This worked for me but everyone is different and everyone needs to find a way that suits them, so I hope you can find your own way to give you the strength that you need to help you.

 

NT.

 

PS - apologies for typos & grammar etc, very late at night here now.

[phillyfan]

What the hell? Why would a guy wait til after Thanksgiving to serve papers, but take his boy to see new houses he rented before it? He's a joker. Its So obvious that he just doesnt want you hasslin him over thanksgiving.

 

Its Clear as daylight that the day after thanksgiving you'll be like, what is up have you done it, he'll be like, no, she begged me to stay/son begged me to stay/blah blah...'so I haven't left'.

[maravilla]

Thanks everyone. Here's the latest development. Last night MM told me that he told his wife. As we talked and I asked more questions it turns out it went down like this. She had seen calls and texts all over the phone bills and asked him if he is still seeing me and if he has feelings for me and he said yes (in the past she has asked but he has said no. She knew of our initial affair but he was telling her we had little to no contact after D-Day.) He told her he was going to lease the longer-term place. Then he left their house and went to the place where he's staying.

 

Okay. So I asked him what this means and he said he thinks she is going to file for divorce and beat him to the punch. I asked him if he was totally sure he wanted to get divorced and he said yes. This morning I called him and he said he feels overwhelmed and needs a few hours to decide what to do. He said he went by her office this morning and she wasn't there and he tried to call her and she didn't answer.

 

I was like umm okay (to myself). I asked him again if he is sure he wants to get divorced and he said do I mean what percentage, like is there one or two percent of him that doesn't want to get divorced? I said look both of us have been waiting for you to really decide what you want to do, act on it, and stick with it. Now is the moment of truth. She's right that if there's any way for you guys to work on the marriage then you cannot be talking to me at all (he'd told me last night she had said that). And for where you and I are at, with being in love and wanting to be together the right way, then there is no more room for waffling about staying married or not. You really need to pick a side and stick with it or you need to tell me, or both of us, or whatever, that you are undecided and you need time to think. He said he knows I'm right but he's not sure what to do so can he just call me later. I said okay.

 

Now I feel like I'm 'winning' him by default. This whole situation is so no-win and I am honestly starting to wish I never gotten involved with him because it's so confusing. I feel like if his wife gives him another chance he will choose her. Which is understandable but why couldn't he have come to that decision on his own and let me know?

 

The timing of everything was strange and my gut tells me that he had been trying to get back with her or at least moving in that direction while we were NC, even though when he broke NC he told me he was moving in the direction of divorce all on his own. I figured that he had been around the house more or maybe even staying there overnight or something and now that we were back in contact he couldn't do that or she was suspicious of him talking to me (at one point he told me that she either saw my name on his phone, or saw me calling him, or something, I didn't understand the specifics of the details or timing in relation to the rest of the conversation, and he said she had wanted to call me and he told her not to.) So I asked him what had happened while we weren't talking, was he trying to make things work with her? He said no but maybe she took it that way because he was spending more time with his son, every single day, and that meant spending more time around her.

 

In my gut I feel that he was trying to make nice with her while we were NC and then when we broke NC she was on high alert and found out and now she is kicking him to the curb. And he is trying to see if I'm still here for him but he's still not even telling me, 'I am filing for divorce today' or anything like that.

 

I really regret ever breaking NC because now I am even more confused than before. It's the moment of truth and he's still undecided. I guess this is what I get for being so stupid!

[spice4life]

Maravilla, I would pull back right now if I were you and let him prove to you that he is going to put his money where his mouth is (pardon the cliche'). As long as he knows that you are focusing on him he is going to keep moving dates and throw things at you to keep you confused. The best thing you can do right now is focus on you and your life. Keep yourself busy with your family, friends and hobbies and let him sort his stuff out. The more you get wrapped up in it the more confused you will be. It is really important that he do this for himself and not for you. If he feels he is doing it for you then he may end up with some resentment down the road if the going gets tough.

 

Pulling back and taking a "we will see" attitude gives you control over your own life instead of letting it hang based on his situation. You have to show him that you are your own person and not dependant upon him for your happiness. This will give him the space he needs (if he's not jerking you around that is) to sort this out in his own way. It is extremely important that he does because you don't want it to come back and haunt your relationship later. If you do this and he is leaving his M for the right reasons (meaning "his" own reasons) then things have a better chance of working out when everything settles down.

 

Divorce is not easy and the toughest part is finally informing the spouse that you want one. Once that happens, a tremendous burden is lifted off the shoulders even though what follows is a rollar coaster ride of its own. Be patient, live your life and watch to see if his "actions" match his words. Don't involve yourself in his divorce, that is between him and his stbxw.

Edited November 12, 2010 by spice4life

[Confused4Now]

Divorce is not easy and the toughest part is finally informing the spouse that you want one. Once that happens, a tremendous burden is lifted off the shoulders even though what follows is a rollar coaster ride of its own. Be patient, live your life and watch to see if his "actions" match his words. Don't involve yourself in his divorce, that is between him and his stbxw.

This is FACT....as a MM who Divorced my xW....it's a true load off your shoulders but then its just beginning the swarm of emotions you have to deal with. I'm almost glad my xMW actually stayed put...cause if she came to me right away. I'd almost say we would have been doomed. Breaking up a family unit was the hardest thing for me to do in my whole life. Divorcing my xW was easy.

[maravilla]

This is FACT....as a MM who Divorced my xW....it's a true load off your shoulders but then its just beginning the swarm of emotions you have to deal with. I'm almost glad my xMW actually stayed put...cause if she came to me right away. I'd almost say we would have been doomed. Breaking up a family unit was the hardest thing for me to do in my whole life. Divorcing my xW was easy.

 

Wow, this sounds a lot like what MM says. That he wants to get divorced but finding the strength to tell his wife is the hardest thing. That he wants to leave his wife for sure, but the hardest thing is the kids and breaking up the family unit. That once his wife found out about me and he told her he is moving into the new place that he felt very relieved.

 

Still he hasn't told her he wants to get divorced. How could he have told her he loves me and is staying out of the house long-term but not take that final step and say he wants to get divorced? Does it mean he's unsure? Or that it's still too hard to tell her and he wants her to be the one to do it?

[BB07]

Still he hasn't told her he wants to get divorced. How could he have told her he loves me and is staying out of the house long-term but not take that final step and say he wants to get divorced? Does it mean he's unsure? Or that it's still too hard to tell her and he wants her to be the one to do it?

 

Maravilla the whys of him doing what he is doing doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What you need to concentrate on is how he is treating you RIGHT NOW and it's not up to your standards is it?

 

Granted anyone ending a marriage, (if that is really what he is doing) is going to have tons of stuff to deal with and they have to grieve it, heal, then move on. To short circuit that process does not allow a person to get emotionally healthy.

 

IMO, your MM is paralyzed with fear because he doesn't really know what or who he wants, so he is trying to keep you hanging on because he is afraid to lose you, but yet he is afraid to let go of the wife either. He is a mess Maravilla and you've got to look out for YOU, he can't and he won't!