Take two step forwards and ten steps back

[Not the love ace]

Some of you may remember the drama I went through when I wrote this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247834/

 

Since then, I actually improved and became a lot happier and for a moment felt like I had felt alive and felt good about myself. I found out who my real friends are, and even went to a club with them and managed to get a few girls numbers which made me feel EXTREMELY good about myself. I started doing my routine exercise and and hitting the gym hard and just felt like I had a purpose. I stopped caring about the friends and people that dropped me and felt like the best thing to do was to be successful.

 

However, 2 days ago everything just hit the fan again. For the past week I've let myself go and went on a crash diet and feel like crap again. I just feel like everything I do in life is for nothing, it amounts to nothing. I just seriously feel like I'm meant to be a miserable soul in this world and that's something I DO NOT want to be. It just seems like no matter what positive things I do or try to do it doesn't amount to anything.

 

I'm tired of lying to myself and saying that there's a purpose in my life, that there's a reason I'm leaving because I seriously feel there's no reason for me to live. I much rather die than live miserably. I much rather die than not be noticed, or appreciated. Everything in my life just seems super freaking temporary and I'm tired of it.

 

I KNOW I deserve much better things in my life- and that's something I never say. I never say I deserve anything and I always try to be humble but I guess in order to feel good about yourself and in order to get what you want in life you just have to recognize and tell yourself that you deserve much better in life.

 

I deserve much more recognition, much more love, much more respect, much more attention. I simply deserve much finer things in life. I feel like I'm a good person, a respectable person and I'm tired of not getting the SIMPLE things I want in life like love, respect, friends, recognition.

 

I work my butt off and that doesn't pay off besides financially. I kill myself at the gym and I'm a fairly handsome looking guy but that never pays off. I dress better than anyone I know, that doesn't pay off. I'm super nice and respectful to all people, that doesn't pay off. I'm one of the easiest people to get along with in this WORLD and that doesn't pay off. NOTHING I do pays off but everyone (it seems) in this world gets it so easily.

 

Only the negative things or people in life want my attention-Bills, dept collectors, taxes, druggies/alcoholics, weird homosexual men etc. I just don't understand my life. It seems like I'm just on here to suffer. It makes friggin sense. I was raped at 8 years old and molested till I was 15 and physically abused since I was out the womb and I can go on about all the crap I had to fight through in life but that's irrelevant because only negative stuff in life seems to want me.

 

If you were to meet me, you wouldn't know I have issues. If you were to meet me, you would think I'm the most optimistic person in the world-and I can be..when I'm around people. When I'm alone, I'M ALONE. I just feel so invisible in life sometimes and the only way I can get what I want is if I stay on top of people or things and bug the crap of them or become ruthless to obtain what I want.

 

I swear, I just want to go to sleep and drift off to another world and not wake up. I count the blessing in my life that I do have and I'm thankful for the basic necessities that I have in life (food, clothes, home, health, family) but at the same time I just feel like I have no purpose in life and nothing to live for since its just no good. I just don't feel needed, wanted, loved....Sorry for the rave and tangent.

[Not the love ace]

I'm tired of being so patient and caring. Whenever someone needs my help in anyway, I'm THERE. Even complete strangers who've needed my help (emotionally, needed someone to talk to) I was there. I'm just tired of being there and not getting what I simply want.

[Surrealist]

Gee with the exception of what you experienced as a youngster and your current crash dieting, I could of penned those words mate and everything you said is the exact same here as well. I feel exactly the same as you, and undertake the same activities and receive the same treatment in life - the only time Im every approached is when someone wants something or they want my money, as you described. How old are you if you dont mnid me asking? If you're typically a nice fella and like to help people, it seems people will seek to take advantage of you (you generally speaking, because I identify). Sometimes people like us have to learn to say "NO!" If not, people will continue to walk over us, give someone else that promotion even though our work is superior and more productive, and in the end, we're left with little to no resources to cope, and this can lead to emotional and mental, and perhaps, physical burnout. It also doesn't help us with dating either, if that is relevant to you, I don't know if you're in a relationship or not? I feel you there though because I can identify with just about all of your post there with those couple of exceptions.

[Not the love ace]

Gee with the exception of what you experienced as a youngster and your current crash dieting, I could of penned those words mate and everything you said is the exact same here as well. I feel exactly the same as you, and undertake the same activities and receive the same treatment in life - the only time Im every approached is when someone wants something or they want my money, as you described. How old are you if you dont mnid me asking? If you're typically a nice fella and like to help people, it seems people will seek to take advantage of you (you generally speaking, because I identify). Sometimes people like us have to learn to say "NO!" If not, people will continue to walk over us, give someone else that promotion even though our work is superior and more productive, and in the end, we're left with little to no resources to cope, and this can lead to emotional and mental, and perhaps, physical burnout. It also doesn't help us with dating either, if that is relevant to you, I don't know if you're in a relationship or not? I feel you there though because I can identify with just about all of your post there with those couple of exceptions.

 

I'm 24 years of age. You're right, people definitely have taken advantage of me and it seems like people only need me when its for money or for help. I never seemed needed for anything else. It just bothers me because it seems like all the people who I know in life who DON'T put out, get everything and me, I do everything that I'm supposed to do in life to get what I want-is FUTILE because I never get what I deserve.

 

Another thing is, when I do say no then everyone flee's from me. Then I'm, not important.

 

I seriously just want to drop dead. I don't have the guts to kill myself and I feel its just not the right thing to do but I just don't know how I can go on in life and feel meaningless.

 

I know people who aren't nearly as social as me, I know people who aren't nearly as open as me, who aren't nearly as outgoing as me, who aren't nearly as fun as me and some who don't even make as much money as I do but they have PLENTY of friends and people always flock to them, they're phone always rings and they always get some sort of attention.

 

On the other hand, I put myself out there and no one cares. And like I said, if I don't put myself out there, I lose because appreciation, respect, love, attention, money, friends, a better social and finer things in life aren't going to drop at my front door and I don't expect it too. I don't care what people say but NICE GUYS ALWAYS FINISH LAST.

[worlybear]

May I make a suggestion? You are obviously a very caring person and you sound very supportive of all the people around you.

You are so good at being supportive ,others may not realise that you need support yourself!

Maybe you need to let people know that everything is not always fine. Open up a little and let people see that you're not some kind of super-human -step back a little and see if that helps.:bunny:

[Fmrbrknhrt22]

Not the love ace, you sound like you have a lot to offer. You're around my age(im 23) and I feel a lot of the same feelings you do. I feel like im caring, good looking, work hard, have the right attitude, etc., but at the end of the day feel like I just come home alone and empty handed sometimes.

 

But, I think the fact of the matter is that nothing stays the same in life. Keep doing what you're doing and things will turn around. You sound like you are doing all the right things to set yourself up for a happy and productive life, but I think you are being incredibly hard on yourself. You should give yourself a pat on the back for being able to keep your head up day in and day out despite the unfortunate circumstances you dealt with as a child and adolescent which no one should have to go through.

 

And I can promise you all the people who you think have it easy and whose phones are always ringing are probably struggling in their own ways you arent aware of. I would challenge you to try and find things that engage your sympathies, join clubs/organizations where you feel you can share that caring spirit you have and you'll find people out there who are like minded and can connect with. I would also say what the last poster said and open yourself up to the world around you. Express your concerns with the people who you care about and I'm sure at least some of them will be willing to listen.

 

Its a long process and there will be days where you'll wonder, "why bother?" But in my short lived life, I've found that if you keep going out there and making an effort, you can find what it is you're looking for if you are persistent and can be able to shrug the bad days off and move forward.

[Not the love ace]

May I make a suggestion? You are obviously a very caring person and you sound very supportive of all the people around you.

You are so good at being supportive ,others may not realise that you need support yourself!

Maybe you need to let people know that everything is not always fine. Open up a little and let people see that you're not some kind of super-human -step back a little and see if that helps.:bunny:

 

I've been told this before and I can see where it makes sense. I just don't know how to open up to people and I feel that if I go around telling people about my issues then I'm just throwing a pity-party for myself. I don't want people treating me like I'm a special needs person.